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Bullying, has it affected you now as an adult?
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20-07-2011 11:34pm#1
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Was bullied a small bit, but only up as far as JC. Made a few more friends then, and any lads who used to bully became mates to see 'em.
Got mugged when I was younger if that counts. Still see yer man around town and everytime I see him I wanna bounce his head off the wall a few times. The lads know to keep me moving whenever we see him
Other than that, I'm quite docile.
Sure as hell didn't make me any 'stronger' or 'thick skinned' anyway. I could do without wanting to cave someones head in everytime I see them.0 -
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Going unreg for this
This has been on my mind recently, bullying in school has had a major affect on my adult life. I was bullied from about 3rd class in primary school right up until the end of college. Maybe it was because I was overweight, or shy, or had glasses, or had nerdy interests, or didn't like sport, or did well enough in class, or didn't cause teachers any trouble, but for whatever reason I was an easy target.
There was a little bit of physical abuse but it was mainly mental abuse, calling me names, staying stuff about me, mocking me, every single day, in school, at break, on the school bus, hell on earth. I genuinely believe I've blocked a lot of it out but I remember being swung around by the arm, slapped in the face, threatened that I was going to have a banger thrown at me (I hate Halloween), being called gay and having dirty sexual jokes made about me and my brother and cousins (turns out I am gay - that didn't help), people making fun of the way I pronounced certain words, everyone in the class voting me as class rep because they knew I didn't want to be, stealing my drink from my bag (until I put salt in it one day
), being tricked into wearing in my casual clothes on a fake "non-uniform" day, a guy sitting behind me in leaving cert year *rolleyes* constantly pushing his desk forward so it would dig into my back, etc. etc.
My brother and his friends were (and still are) my best friends in school, and they got bullied a lot too, but they were a year ahead so I was all alone in my class. There was even a teacher who used to single people out and mock them if they answered a question wrong. I used to dread his classes because I got so nervous I was bound to make a mistake, and ended up being humiliated by him in front of all my bullies.
Looking back I am so furious at how I was treated, why I didn't fight back, say anything to them, tell someone, but I was so shy, so innocent and so naive, I just didn't understand why people were being so cruel and always thought it would stop. Now that I'm older I have a hard time trusting people or opening up, have serious social anxiety issues which are affecting my work (can't make phone calls, too afraid to speak up in meetings) and am very wary of other peoples intentions. It caused issues coming out as gay and with making new friends in college. Despite what people say, being bullied didn't make me stronger, just made my weaknesses worse and shattered my self confidence.
At least now I have a great, understanding OH, still have my best friends from school and was recently referred to a therapist so I'm determined that bullying isn't going to rule the rest of my life.0 -
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Fairly hefty bullying went on from primary school to 3rd year in secondary school. Both psychological and physical. Guy in primary used to bully me because I'd get work done quicker than him, tried to get it sorted but was let down by the school and some teachers. The dude also had an older brother and turned the older classes against me. Was labelled a "rat" for a long time. Secondary I just had the misfortune of sitting beside the biggest scumbag in the year on the first day.
The effects it has had on me? If I see someone getting harassed or bullied I will be right over like a flash standing up for them. It's down to the fact that no one ever helped me when I was in need and felt very alone. Don't want others to go through the same thing I did and feel they've no one on their side.
Nothing really phases me I suppose due to the torture I went through as a young kid / teen. I'd be quite moral as a result also as I don't ever want to be like those who put me through the stress I was under.
Obviously I'd rather have not went through it but we can't change the past There were moments in my life where I'd be anxious and afraid of meeting new people and for a long while I let people walk all over me. Only because I wanted them to like me and not be mean. Learned the hard way though ha ha.
I think it's down to the individual and their personality how they cope with it. For me I wouldn't like to say it made me a better person as it was such a negative and traumatising experience. However, it has ultimately shaped me whether I like it or not.0 -
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This sounds like me, I'm 15 and I'm not really bullied but pretty much mocked daily in school. I have a speech impediment where I can't really sat my "R's" and my "SH" sound properly. I dread having to read a section of a book to the class and if I have to read something to the board I pretend not being able to see it. I kind of got over this but I'm really sick of it. I went three months without talking in ANY of my classes. That included putting up my hand. I get called the usual "gay" for keeping on music and not playing sports. Kind of pathetic but how do I get over it for 3rd year? I really am annoyed of these **** in my school! >_<
Sorry to hear about that man, i had exactly the same thing when I was younger...i was not able to pronounce my R's....they always came out as W's.
Lads in school would always make me try and say stuff like "Brown bread and rabbit stew" and retarded **** like that. Eventually i lost the plot on day and lamped a chap in the teeth with a soccer boot.
I'd love to say it solved everything but it really didn't...**** just got worse. As such, i'd advise you to keep your cool.
Speech Therapy eventually sorted out my enunciation problems though, but by then it had been established for too long and the bullying continued. I'd always end up in scraps and fighting people but never got any relief. I think it made me feel better at the time, a little, but man the ****storms that used to come with it.
It's probably not what you want to hear but keep the head down and (despite the biological contradiction) your chin up.
For me things took a bit of a turn in secondary school, despite some of the lads i went to primary school with going there as well. I eventually figured my best course of action was just to try and be funny. People would be giving me **** and i'd just mock them back in a cheeky enough manner, getting laughs out of the rest of the people in my class and kind of turning the tide a little bit and just kind of showing them they couldn't get to me as much as they hoped and i was clever enough to get them worse if they wanted it. That kind of worked.
Any chance you could maybe get some Speech Therapy? It really did solve the impediment for me.0 -
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Yes it has in a positive way
had a pretty tough time in school secondary school and early to middle adult hood these days I wouldnt say so to the point were i wouldnt go to school get out of the car... or get on a bus id just walk home... I did not want to be there ...
I think what bullying has taught me is that I can read people so so so well...
because of it facial expressions any one cornered of bye fore bigger people you know when a slaps coming... .. so yeah im gonna say in some ways its been a positive thing thast come from somthing very negitive.
I've done the hole theripy thing which helped a lot...
But I feel the most important the fact I chooose who I want in my life and who I dont.
I think other then that I speak my mind have no reservations about telling some one how it is...
I think bullying can well you gotta flip a coin resent a bunch of ****ing morons whos lives suck (thank you facebook ) or mine which is quite peacfull uncomplicated and no pressure from any one this is what i like:)
It happened i got over it theres way better things ahead of me and well you the way i see it ive got bigger challanges in my life
Like writing a thesis can i report a college for making me do this ?:pac:
Why i see it is yesterdays history tomorows a mystory0 -
i grew up on a fairly crap estate were bullying was the norm especially from the older generation,i remember getting a smoke put out on the back of my hand when i was about 5 and my father going absolutely mental over it, to make matters worse i was sent to school in town and was always the poor kid from the crap estate who could'nt afford nike air and all the latest clothes/toys/trends so got stick over that which was nearly worse than physical bullying.
things changed a bit when i hit secondary, i was heavily into punk rock and was seen as a bit of a loose cannon/unpredictable and in a weird way i was kinda respected for it.
did it effect me later in life?
i would say yes, in that im a more guarded person and stick up for the underdog, its funny because most of the people i hang around with have been bullied when they were younger.i still see some of the people i went to school with and their still the same spoilt,pretentious a**holes as they were back then
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I got bullied from 2nd to 6th class,i was all ways a small lad and not very into soccer or any sports which was looked on as kind of weird ,all-ways the last to get picked and the likes of that,went to secondary school and i taught to my self new start and the likes so actuality turned into a bit of bully myself,there was all ways a group of lads who came from better class family's and i had it in my head they were looking down there noses at me and talking behind my back so i would bully them every chance i got,would all ways go for the biggest of them just to try and prove i was hard in some way.
I am ashamed to this day over what i did and have since apologised to the lads i bullied and they were very forgiving which made it worse in a way,i still talk and have a few pints with them every couple of months.
But to this day if i think any one is trying to take the piss or get one up on me i can get very confrontational and i think the bulling had that effect on me
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Only when I moved over to Ireland at about the age of 8.
Moving from Sheffield, to Knocknaheeny here in Cork didn't go well for me at all.
Before then I'd never really encountered people hating others due to where they were from, in this case the fact I had an English accent was enough to get my head pounded in on a daily basis (i think I still have the scars on the back of my head actually), and on top of that my own parents are gay, which wasn't the cause of much bullying, more remarks and comments about not having a father.
Even in secondary school I got it quite a lot, mental and physical, but frankly I probably deserved a lot of it, and gave as good as I got.
I was a sarcastic, evil, wind-up merchant who was shagging half the girls in my year, so often their boyfriends would get pissed at me and want revenge, it was one big circle really
I don't think bullying had a huge affect on me, even as a small child I didn't care much what others thought or said, and I still don't.
If someone wanted to call me a cóck smoking ******, I did't care, because their opinion means sweet sod all to me, and it shouldn't to anyone else.
edit: apologies for the grammar, hard to type with my two year old son beating me with a power ranger :P0 -
Logical Fallacy wrote: »Sorry to hear about that man, i had exactly the same thing when I was younger...i was not able to pronounce my R's....they always came out as W's.
Lads in school would always make me try and say stuff like "Brown bread and rabbit stew" and retarded **** like that. Eventually i lost the plot on day and lamped a chap in the teeth with a soccer boot. I'd love to say it solved everything but it really didn't...**** just got worse. As such, i'd advise you to keep your cool.
Speech Therapy eventually sorted out my enunciation problems though, but by then it had been established for too long and the bullying continued. I'd always end up in scraps and fighting people but never got any relief. I think it made me feel better at the time, a little, but man the ****storms that used to come with it.
It's probably not what you want to hear but keep the head down and (despite the biological contradiction) your chin up.
For me things took a bit of a turn in secondary school, despite some of the lads i went to primary school with going there as well. I eventually figured my best course of action was just to try and be funny. People would be giving me **** and i'd just mock them back in a cheeky enough manner, getting laughs out of the rest of the people in my class and kind of turning the tide a little bit and just kind of showing them they couldn't get to me as much as they hoped and i was clever enough to get them worse if they wanted it. That kind of worked.
Any chance you could maybe get some Speech Therapy? It really did solve the impediment for me.
I had speech therapy when I was younger but it didn't help much. Umm, my friends say I can be kinda funny and I'm good with witty replies and all but when the people are a few inches taller, play sports and you're skinny and small I think you should really just back down. I'm getting over it but in first year I went through a rough patch, cried for no reason etc. Not telling a teacher. Be leaving the school in a few years and won't consider looking back. My Father went to the same school and said that because it was a sports school, (Made you drop another sport if you showed any skill in Hurling) that anyone who played Hurling didn't do as well in later years. Thanks to all of ye for the replies anyway. I have friends in my year and the year above so I'm not really a loner but when you're in your base class of 30 and have one friend, it's not fun...0 -
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Yes, I was bullied, yes it affected me.
I don't do well with criticism. I either back into a corner hoping no-one will notice me if I've messed up or if it's with the group of friends I've had for the past 17 years I'll slag myself off, with a level of self deprecation that they wouldn't go near.
Fortunately, they know the background, and make sure that if there is slagging that it stays at a level where we are all taking lumps out of each other!!
I was 16 when the bullying started, I was a successful student, successful at sports, and hung around with the 'trendy' crowd, that bunch of people in your school that everyone likes, not too nerdy but smart, not too (robbing an americanism here) 'Jock' but good at sports, the group that while they were not the centre of attention, cos the hardcore rockers might be beating 7 shades out of the hardcore ravers, but the group that both rockers and ravers chatted to on friendly terms. Going into 3rd year a new lad had come to the school and joined in with our group. For whatever reason he took a dislike to me and started what i can only describe as a campaign to turn my friends against me, friends who i had known for 7 years at that stage. In 5th year it came to a stage where i was totally ostracised by the entire 60+ people in my year. My so called best friend called me to his house one day to tell me that if he wanted to keep his friendship with the rest of the group that we hung around with (6 lads) that i couldn't be his friend anymore. This was in November of 5th year.
I ended up repeating 5th year (I joke with the lads I'm friendly with now that i instigated the 4th year program in our old school) and got in with a group of lads who I have been friendly with since then. Was best man/groomsman at their weddings etc.
But I have to say that what i went through still affects me today. I'm single, find it incredibly difficult to trust people, and in an environment outside my comfort zone you'll find me propping up a wall in the farthest corner from the bright lights and centres of attention.
I did get revenge of a kind though.
As the years have gone by and I changed from a school going kid to a professional worker bee to a worker bee supervisor to a management type bee I never forgave or forgot that core group group of people who turned me into a social pariah.
So imagine my delight a number of years ago when we were interviewing people for positions at work when one of them turned up. The look on their face when they realised it was me was priceless to say the least. Recently I came across another one one night when i was out for a few pints. He started telling me how hard he was finding it on the dole etc. Really enjoyed telling him about my new car. Karma is a bitch, but I love her!0 -
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I'll freely admit that i was suicidal. It didn't help that i kept it all in, and didn't tell anyone. My parents just thought i was going through a hard time with school, as in the actual learning bit. I was doing 7 honours subjects, so when i stopped going out on a weekend night or even during the weekend days i blamed the schoolwork, and locked myself away in my bedroom. The fact that my schoolwork was suffering and a reasonably smart kid dropped from B average to scraping D's seemed to back this up. I turned from a normal teenager with all the usual teenager tantrums and angst, mixed in with all the usual teenager sunshine and success on the athletics track, to a chap who had a dirty great big black thundercloud following him around, and no interest in anything. I gave up the running, gave up anything that I had been good at.
My time consisted of getting up in the morning, pretending that i was a normal kid going out to school for another day, walk there alone, with classmates totally ignoring me, and other students in the school doing the point and giggle thing that kids are so cruel at but so good at. Coming home in the evening would mean more of the same. After school I'd go up to my room where I would lie on my bed staring at the ceiling, sometimes having a bit of a cry. I'd come down for dinner, have the usual over dinner conversations, all the while putting a face on, help with the clean up then go up to my room to do homework and study. At about 10:30/11:00 each night my parents would go to bed, then i went down stairs to watch Star Trek which was on Sky One at 11 pm in those days. Weekends were helping Dad and Mam out around the house as opposed to going out.
Eventually after 6 months of this I snapped. I can't remember how or why it came about, but I DO remember taking a swing at my Dad and my older brother laying me out flat on my back. I then went to take the two of them on in a physical full on fight. At one stage my Dad actually had his hands on my throat similar to Homer Simpson before he realised what he was doing.... and burst out crying. That set me off. I just broke down and (feck it I have tears in my eyes here tying this!!) all i can remember saying is I have no friends, I have no friends over and over again.
My parents felt very guilty that they hadn't noticed what had happened, and why 6 people had stopped calling to the door regularly. Mam was on the parents association of the school and pulled strings about the repeating 5th year thing, the School Counsellor got involved and got the teachers to stop bollocking me out of it in class, and suddenly i realised that despite all the psychological bullying that 60 people had put me through i was still there, and by jesus i wasn't gonna let them beat me. April and May went by in a blur as I decided i was actually gonna study properly and get a good college place and get the hell out of my ****hole of a town and become a success and rub everyones noses in it.
Before the Leaving started for the class ahead of us I was called down to the school and 'Offered' (by which it was strongly suggested that i take the chance) of repeating 5th year. I took it. Ended up with a decent Leaving cert which has resulted 17 years later in a good job, with my own house.... in my ****hole of a town. And i deliberately bought here because the lads who i got friendly with at the second swing of 5th year, have all bought around the area.
Would I change anything? Yes and no.
No, because I'm happy enough with who i am today, and my experiences over a period of 2 1/2 years of my life, while horrible, have helped mould the person typing this out.
Yes, because I wish i had spoken out sooner, maybe I'd find it easier to trust people now. I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that i'll never marry or have kids, even though i'd love to, purely because any relationship i get into gets hijacked by a fear of being rejected again by people i choose to be part of my life, so after at most 2 years (my longest relationship to date) I get itchy feet and get my rejection in first.
All i can suggest to anyone who is being bullied is to say it to someone. It's a horrible thing to have happen to you, you don't deserve it, but trying to carry the weight of something like that on relatively young shoulders is hard.......and if you tell someone it doesn't have to be.
I am a regular poster on the site, as is one of the core group of people who perpetrated the psychological bullying, that's why I'm posting anonymously. Even today, 17/18 years later I don't want those people to know how badly they hurt me.
Don't feel as if you have to go through it alone. Being bullied is nothing to be ashamed of, and I'm well aware of the irony of me typing that line straight after typing the one above it!!
Whatever else you take from my meandering memories of something that I keep buried, take this, being bullied, being suicidal, being totally depressed can be helped by uttering one little 4 letter word.. Help.0 -
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l never added how it affected me
I think I definitely became driven, get the leaving cert, get through in college, get my job, promotion, professional exams etc.
What it didn't help me with is I've become very cold and withdrawn. Someone told me I was aloof, it's not true at all! Just I never open up and rarely trust anyone. Very sensitive to criticism and get defensive. Need to work on all this
Due to the wonders of facebook I can see what some of those runts are up to and as expected, same village, same pub, dead end jobs or dole (not judging anyone on the dole) and tbh, in twenty years time they'll still be there.
The best revenge is living well!
I suppose the other thing is bullying doesn't stop when you leave school, there are asshole team leaders and bosses at it too.
In work I did have an attitude of work of being terrified of offending anyone so not took a strong view on anything. And also "eager to please", if I help everyone therefore they will like me......
It's bollocks, I was wrong. Eager to please doesn't get people to like you, it means you get zero respect and become a doormat and get lumbered with the donkey work. And one team leader sure know how to roar and humiliate me, me being an easy target but he did to others too.
Gave as good as I got one evening and starting speaking up more and yeah, not everyone likes me but I can't worry over that, I'm paid to do work and I do my best at it0 -
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I think all those ordeals, big or small, count as bullying really; for me, I know what I had to deal with from people wasn't all that bad, but it was still bullying, and due to my past anxiety issues, it had a much bigger effect on me than it would have others.
So ya, don't feel your experiences are any less worth posting the effect the bullying has on you, is more significant a factor than the severity of the bullying itself. 0 -
Hey guys, regular poster going unreg for this.
Moved from Scotland when i was 8. Primary school was pretty uneventful, we had a very close knit class pretty much, couple of altercations here and there, but nothing that would'nt be solved by the end of the day. Secondary school however, was another matter entirely. Started lightly with teasing and put downs from those I hung around with, then into 2nd year that continued, whilst at the same time the scumbag gang in the class started on me. The main ring leader was in the boxing club, did not stand a chance. Himself and his lackeys beat the living crap out of me pretty much every day, spat on me everytime they passed by me or sat near me, beaten until I was bawling crying and could'nt handle the pain of it.
I grew up in a loving tightly knit family, always surrounded by love and support, so that kind of violence and pure hatred I could not get my head around nor understand it at all. It was torture. It all came to a head, when one day, when our lazy ass teacher had been 20 minutes late for class, that entire 20 minutes was spent with them punching & kicking me, and to finish it off, one of them came up and did this real massive gobby spit all over my hair. This of course had all them scummers laughing in amusement, and looks of pity from those who did'nt partake. Looking back on it a part of me died that day, the shame and humilitaion was something Ill never forget. Even thinking of it now, nearly 20 years later, im shaking & can remember vividly how degrading it felt. However I finally got the courage to tell one of the teachers about it, and those involved were punished, but it was hardly a deterrant. They were up to their same thing a forthnight later. However, soon after this, most of them left after the junior cert, so after that, it was just back to to put downs and being made feel worthless for 5th and 6th year. Although, that seemed like a holiday in comparison to what went on before. All of secondary school was pretty much a write off, self esteem down in the drain, did'nt do as well as I could have in the leaving. I pretty much just felt completely worthless.
I wish I could say that it was the making of me, but the reality is, it broke me. Always have been afraid of my own shadow, non existing self worth, anxiety prone, paranoid & cant take any kind of confrontation. If anybody remotely raises their voice or gestures their hands in any kind of angry fashion, immediately I just get the shakes, feel blood rushing to my head, like pins and needles all through my body. I never speak up, becuase really I dont want to interact with anybody, I find it very tough. When im talking to people I dont actually want them to like me, id just prefer if they did'nt even acknowledge me. It goes through phases, where it can be really unbareably bad but then tapers off to just about manageable. Ive never been able to forge any kind of relationship with any women down through the years. This is mainly due to the fact that any kind of rejection would just kill off any of the little self esteem I had left, so as a survival mechanism, I just decided to cut that completely out of my life and not even try pursue it. The way I see it is, I would not want to drag somebody into the woe of living with my insecurities, its no kind of life for any lady to have being stuck with somebody like that, I certanly would not want any of my sisters go out with somebody like me. So at 35 im single and never even been near the opposite sex. I must add, im not some woman fearing type, in fact, not even my closest friends (male and female) know about this, & I think ive been able to fool them quite well down through the years. If the situation requires it, I can be Mr. Social, but its a tough ask & something that in recent times has gotten harder to do. In the past 2 years my mental health has deteriorated quite a lot, anxiety, scared to go outside have all been amped up tenfold. Unfortunitely a few fruitless journeys to cash hungry psychotherapists (not calling them all that, but the ones ive been to certanly had euro signs in their eyes with little regard for the fact I was not just a wallet).
To answer the OP's question, I would say yes, it has unfortunitely affected me as an adult. The combination of anxiety, low self worth & depression stays with me to this day unfortunitely. Every now and again ill get sheer bursts of extreme anger (directed at myself), that just come from nowhere. Often I can sleep very well at night thinking about it all. However, I do remain hopeful that I can pull myself out of it.
Fair play to those previous posters who belted seven shades of crap out of their tormenters, had I any muscle on me I would have done the same
Apologies if this is too long or should be in personal issues, however, it felt good to offload some of that.0 -
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