would you forgive or dump?

murreemurree

Ok I don't want any depends on the situation if's or buts here..
in fact no need to comment i just want everyone to vote honestly in the poll..

the question is: if your girlfriend/boyfriend kissed another person i.e. cheated on you, would you dump her/him or stay with her/him?

(in my opinion it doesnt make a difference if they are sober or drunk or whatever as if it happened it happened) (also bear in mind your partner kisses the person back and i'm talking a proper kiss with tongues, not a peck)

MitchKoobski

Yeah but tbh you're here to discuss answers, not get people just to vote on a poll.

Circumstances matter entirely, so a poll won't give you an answer you're looking for.

murreemurree

MitchKoobski wrote: »

Yeah but tbh you're here to discuss answers, not get people just to vote on a poll.

Circumstances matter entirely, so a poll won't give you an answer you're looking for.

how exactly do circumstances matter? fact is fact

zenno

I voted, and I would say Goodbye in a split of a second without hesitation and would never associate with her again. life can be painful enough itself without the need for this.

efb

threesome ftw!

MrStuffins

efb wrote: »

threesome ftw!

An interesting point here (and on the subject of circumstances)... would it be different if the person she kissed was another girl?

efb

MrStuffins wrote: »

An interesting point here (and on the subject of circumstances)... would it be different if the person she kissed was another girl?

I presumed he was kissing another guy

If he went off with a girl, I'd dumped his confused ass!

myflipflops

Dump without thinking.

I'm pretty much a confirmed singleton at this point but I guess trust is the most important thing in a relationship and this would be a destrcution of that truts.

Wibbs

murreemurree wrote: »

how exactly do circumstances matter? fact is fact

Of course circumstances matter. EG two couples. The first relationship is a year old, all apparently loved up, few or no arguments everything apparently going great. One night one of the partners snogs the face off a stranger. Second relationship is going for 8 years, sex has been on the backburner for a while. Quite a few arguments going on. They're no longer putting the effort in, or one isn't. One night one of the partners snogs the face off a stranger. The end result is the same, the path to it quite different. I'd condone neither, but I could at least understand the latter. Take it further. A snog or sex? I think most would agree sex is of a magnitude higher a "crime". Few such questions are so rigidly black and white. IMHO thinking of them as such makes for a harder life IME.

My answer(and you aint gonna like it ) is it depends entirely on the circumstances surrounding the event. Myself, I've forgiven in the past when I really shouldn't have. She was just a very self centred needy person and that guff just came out again in other ways down the line. I've not forgiven in the past and in retrospect I should have as I had a large part to play in getting it to that point. Though as a working rule I'd generally go with scrape them off and out of my life. Even if I chose to forgive, they'd have to fight and fight hard for that trust again.

Maguined

It is more complicated than simply stating "fact is fact" however even with circumstances included I can only predict myself dumping someone in most situations.

Even if you take the example of a troubled relationship with a lot of tension, ultimately this person reacted badly to such a negative situation and instead of focusing on trying to repair and reconcile the relationship they ended up liking the attention of someone fresh and new and cheated as a result of it.

Also even if you do go down the route of forgiving someone and trying to move on it will have forever poisoned the relationship, it will always be on the back of your mind and you will be insecure about it and this will make you act negatively towards your girlfriend which she will start to resent as while it is possible to forgive it is much harder to forget. To me it seems it would be better to separate and start fresh with someone else that you won't have such negative history tainting the future.

I will readily admit that some couples probably do get past a cheating offence and can genuinely forgive it, forget it and move on successfully, it would just not be worth the risk to me, there are plenty of nice people who don't cheat out there so would go find one.

Nulty

I agree. In many cases within a relatively steady relationship (1 year plus), if one partner kisses another person at least some blame can be attributed to the other partner. Whether it's a lack of attention, revenge for some insult or wrong-doing, or something else. Rarely would a partner of that nature kiss someone else. If they did it for no other apparent reason other than an attraction to another person then it's a fairly dumpable offence.

mikemac

Just to throw in my point, drink is never ever an excuse.
But so often used as one in Ireland

Drink makes you do stupid things but another way to look at it is drink lowers your inhibitions and you do what you wanted to do but wouldn't when you are reserved and sensible

Maguined

Nulty wrote: »

I agree. In many cases within a relatively steady relationship (1 year plus), if one partner kisses another person at least some blame can be attributed to the other partner. Whether it's a lack of attention, revenge for some insult or wrong-doing, or something else. Rarely would a partner of that nature kiss someone else. If they did it for no other apparent reason other than an attraction to another person then it's a fairly dumpable offence.

Blame? There is no blame, if your partner is not treating you as you want to be treated then you sit them down and talk to them about it, if they continue the behaviour you are unhappy with then you break up with them.

Everyone is responsible for their own actions, you cannot blame another human being for how you act.

Malari

I wouldn't expect forgiveness if it was me that did the kissing, but I don't know what I would do myself if faced with this. I can't see me getting over it easily.

TouchingVirus

Initial gut reaction: Dump, no forgiveness

But I agree with Wibbs and Maguined - sometimes your gut reaction isn't right, doesn't mean you have to be a walkover about it.

Maple

I've had an ex cheat on me and I stayed with him, I regret doing so because it was always in the back of my mind afterwards. At the time there were mitigating factors that I used so that I was able to resolve it within my head and I loved him very much and wanted our relationship to continue, but fundamentally I don't think I ever got past it, despite him trying his hardest to have me forget. I just felt that what we had was tainted, that it wasn't the important thing I'd felt it to be.

I do think that it's not always black and white and that relationships can recover from a partner's cheating and grow and be much stronger, but it really is situation dependent.

jacko

dumpsville without question. Any kind of relationship you have, or would hope to have has to be built 100% on the trust of your partner and their trust in you.

as for the 'gut reaction isn't right', 'depends on circumstances' arguments, sorry I don't agree with that. If someone could even contemplate cheating in the first place then is the relationship working or even worth keeping. Once a cheater, always a cheater

emmabee

Absolutely toss that tosser immediately. If not for the unfaithful factor, for the fact that there is something missing in the R'ship for someone to feel the need to do it in the first place. Find someone with everything you need!

Dravokivich

If someone was to cheat on me, I'd be questioning why they were with me, if they were getting all over someone else.

There was a girl I went out with nearly 10 or so years ago. She started leaning towards a mate of mine and kinda going out with him as well. She asked me to talk about it and decide what "we" should do. Told her plain and simple that it was her choice to make. Never spoke with her again after she did. Don't know weither or not I would of forgiven her if she choose differently. But it's something I'd want to discuss or understand before making up my mind.

JamJamJamJam

If it was an ongoing/regular thing with another guy I guess, with regret, I'd end it. But I'd probably forgive her if it was a once-off thing on a night out, say. Don't get me wrong, I hate the whole idea of cheating. It's a horrible and completely inconsiderate thing to do. But at the same time I can sort of understand how, in the heat of the moment, one thing leads to another very quickly, and before you know it you're doing something you'd never, ever do if you'd thought about it previously.

Like murder and manslaughter :pac:

Misticles

hhmm, I don't know if I could.

As much as I would love the person, it would always be in the back of my mind and I would probably throw it back at them one time or another - most likey during a fight or something.

I would likle to say I could be the person who can forgive and move on. Maybe I could, if they could prove that they are sorry and they want me and nobody else.

To lose trust is a big thing, its even bigger to try and get it back.

replica

myflipflops wrote: »

Dump without thinking.

I'm pretty much a confirmed singleton at this point but I guess trust is the most important thing in a relationship and this would be a destrcution of that truts.

I would agree that trust is the number 1 issue and for me if my wife/gf/partner kissed or slept with another guy I could never forgive her. I know I would try, but I know I couldn't so as opposed to dumping her I would just end the relationship and that would be that.

newbee22

I voted wouldn't forgive, once a cheater always a cheater!!

vicecreamsundae

Nulty wrote: »

I agree. In many cases within a relatively steady relationship (1 year plus), if one partner kisses another person at least some blame can be attributed to the other partner. Whether it's a lack of attention, revenge for some insult or wrong-doing, or something else. Rarely would a partner of that nature kiss someone else. If they did it for no other apparent reason other than an attraction to another person then it's a fairly dumpable offence.

i so completely disagree! i don't think the partner is at allll to blame! if there are issues, talk about them, sort them, but don't just go off with someone else.. If a boyfriend kissed someone else and then tried to blame me for it I would be speechless!! people have to take responsibility for their actions. i think the longer you are together, the more heartbreaking it is for your partner if you kiss someone else, and it's altogether a MORE dumpable offence than if you were a newish couple even though the decision and the breakup are harder, that's for sure.

but cheating because things are not perfect with your partner? that's absolutely no excuse for me.

HellFireClub

TouchingVirus wrote: »

Initial gut reaction: Dump, no forgiveness

But I agree with Wibbs and Maguined - sometimes your gut reaction isn't right, doesn't mean you have to be a walkover about it.

I'd argue the opposite, which is that your gut feeling is usually never wrong. It's the times you don't go with your gut feeling that you end up in the manure business I think...

py2006

newbee22 wrote: »

I voted wouldn't forgive, once a cheater always a cheater!!

I never liked that statement!

I have never been cheated on (that I know of) and I have never cheated on anybody. But if I was I am not sure I could forgive.

Having said all that, I don't believe that because somebody has done a bad thing they are going to do it repeatedly throughout their lives. I once stole a pencil as a kid from a newsagents, I didn't go on to be a serial thief.

Bobby42

Had an ex that kissed one of her ex boyfriends while we were going out. I was really hurt but I cared about her a lot at the time so I forgave her. A few months later she got with someone else and then dumped me. So if this happened to me again I think I'd lean towards dumping her.

foxyboxer

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You!!

py2006

foxyboxer wrote: »

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You!!

Showing your age there!

newbee22

py2006 wrote: »

I never liked that statement!

I have never been cheated on (that I know of) and I have never cheated on anybody. But if I was I am not sure I could forgive.

Having said all that, I don't believe that because somebody has done a bad thing they are going to do it repeatedly throughout their lives. I once stole a pencil as a kid from a newsagents, I didn't go on to be a serial thief.

I just seem to attract the cheaters!!:o:rolleyes:

py2006

newbee22 wrote: »

I just seem to attract the cheaters!!:o:rolleyes:

I think its a case of the girls going for the 'bad guy' then realising their mistake later down the road! Give a nice guy a chance!

newbee22

The nice guys don't like me!!!!!!:o

Lippy C

I forgave an ex but we broke up eventually the trust was gone he broke my little heart but that was a very long time ago. If I meet someone and it happens again I would finish it straight away, but im sure there are enough of you nice guys out there somewhere;)

xoxyx

I'd find it very hard to get over somebody I loved kissing another person.

BUT, people are complicated. Forget quantum physics - people are the most difficult things to understand - ever!

Unfortunately, I think that people cheat more than we realise. Affairs are different, but a snog in a bar can happen all too easily. You may be in the most secure relationship in the world, but God only knows what else is going on in your life, and, a hot girl, or guy, coming on to you might give you a lift that will take you away from your troubles for a while.

I have never cheated on my partner, and I don't think I ever will - because I know I've found the guy I want and I can't look at anybody else. I think he feels the same way. However, nobody can know anybody else inside out.

If I found out that my boyfriend snogged some girl on a drunken night out I'd be heartbroken, but I wouldn't say that it was the end. It would be different if he was hooking up with somebody on a regular basis. But, one kiss, one time. It's a betrayal of trust, but I don't think it spells the end of a relationship.

There are way too many layers to people for anything to be black and white.

Lippy C

xoxyx...yes your words are very true,shocking how many people are having affairs :eek:

minidazzler

Too many factors to take into account for a decision to be black and white.

Abi

Dravokivich wrote: »

If someone was to cheat on me, I'd be questioning why they were with me, if they were getting all over someone else.

There was a girl I went out with nearly 10 or so years ago. She started leaning towards a mate of mine and kinda going out with him as well. She asked me to talk about it and decide what "we" should do. Told her plain and simple that it was her choice to make. Never spoke with her again after she did. Don't know weither or not I would of forgiven her if she choose differently. But it's something I'd want to discuss or understand before making up my mind.

I have to say, you were very lenient Drav. Was it an extremely casual arrangement between you? Jesus, I'd never treat a guy like that. From an outsider pov Drav, you dodged a bullet there. You deserve a lot better than her!


OP, I know you said 'no depends', but the reality is it would matter to some, and not others.

For me, it would be the end. Kissing can be more intimate than sex itself, and thats where the bond lies for me. Kiss someone else and the trust is gone as far as I'm concerned. This sounds kinda pathetic, but if someone else kissed me while I'm in a relationship (definitely not reciprocating!) I'd start crying. It happened to me in a past relationship, and even though I know I didn't do anything wrong, I kept blaming myself for being in that situation at all. I was only chatting away to the guy, but he obviously took things up the wrong way, and I felt like I'd been unfaithful. Took me a while to get over that one.

Dravokivich

Abi wrote: »

I have to say, you were very lenient Drav. Was it an extremely casual arrangement between you? Jesus, I'd never treat a guy like that. From an outsider pov Drav, you dodged a bullet there. You deserve a lot better than her!

Lenient, maybe but then again that was the first I've ever had to deal with something like that so I thought it'd be best to remain calm and cool. I heard from another friend she got really upset because of that. I knew they had started hanging out more often but that didn't concern me at the time. It wasn't until shortly before she wanted to talk to me about it that I'd known of it.

Hasn't really been a bother to me since, this is the most I've thought of it in almost 10 years ;P

Howard the Duck

If they came clean about it straight away and were truly sorry then i could probably forgive it if i loved them a lot.

If i feel like there is the possibility of me kissing someone else when i am seeing someone then i will finish that relationship, and that's why i'm single right now

Hyperbullet

Dumped without a second thought, and I wouldn't feel a damn bit bad about it.

Snowie

As many of said situation would be my first port of call ie have we bees. An item for long how was she feeling about I who the little rat was who kissed my girl and was she sober and did she want to....

Depending on her answers I draw conclusion but I wouldn't but I would expect a free pass of pussy and blow jobs every morning and for her to learn to enjoy watchin stargate and for her stop watching soaps if I had a gr that is.....

But really down to one thing do I love her do I see a future ?

BarackPyjama

Dumped without a second thought. Life's too short.

py2006

I think its far to easy to say dump straight away when your not in that situation.

If you really care for somebody it may not be that easy to just get up and walk away and never see them again. Although, that is probably what should be done.

Hyperbullet

py2006 wrote: »

I think its far to easy to say dump straight away when your not in that situation.

If you really care for somebody it may not be that easy to just get up and walk away and never see them again. Although, that is probably what should be done.

Unfortunately been in that situation and I can honestly say that if it happened again I'd dump the woman in question. Made the mistake of trying to get on with things after it happened before but a betrayal of trust is one of the hardest things to mend.

That's just me though, other lads may want to work on things. I just don't waste my time on untrustworthy people.

G86

It really does depend on the circumstance. If it was a serious relationship, and I really loved the person, then I might try to get past it. But trying doesn't necessarily mean it'll work, once the trust is gone you're pretty much screwed imo, and it's very hard to build it back up.

Malari

Hyperbullet wrote: »

Unfortunately been in that situation and I can honestly say that if it happened again I'd dump the woman in question. Made the mistake of trying to get on with things after it happened before but a betrayal of trust is one of the hardest things to mend.

That's just me though, other lads may want to work on things. I just don't waste my time on untrustworthy people.

I think py2006 is just saying that people who claim "dump immediately, no questions" are not perhaps thinking of a long-term, living with someone relationship.

In my relationships in the past, yeah, I would have said goodbye pretty quickly and not looked back. In my current relationship, we have built a life together, joint possessions - from cars to cats! - and it's not something you can walk away from overnight.

Having said that, I don't think I could ever fully trust again, but I would need a discussion. I would need to understand what happened. And I would need a LOT of time to get over that amount of betrayal.

Jason Fly

I'm not Christ and neither suffer from Alzheimer, so I don't forgive nor forget

MagicMarker

While I think kissing is a forgiveable offense, I think I'd find it pretty hard to move on after it. The trust would be completely gone, plus I'm quite a proud person and don't think I could look at myself in the mirror if I were to accept such blatant betrayal.

LegacyUser

What if it was another girl she kissed?

mars411

If the guy was out for the night and kissed another girl I would forgive him. Im a complete softe and I just can't help it. But if he slept with another girl, well then!!!! Would also depends if i knew the girl or not.

Azureus

I genuinely dont think you can say unless it happens. In theory-walk away dont forgive-life is **** hard already,who needs that kinda betrayal from someone who supposedly loves you!
But its not always that easy-circumstance matters masssively whether you pretend it doesnt or not!