His mother wants me to pay for her holiday

LegacyUser

Hi All

My partner's mother wants me to pay for her holiday? I've said no because I haven't been on a holiday in 3 years and if I'm paying for anyone to go on holidays its myself

They are making me feel like a complete bitch....

just want to get some opinions.

Kevin Duffy

moremoney wrote: »

Hi All

My partner's mother wants me to pay for her holiday? I've said no because I haven't been on a holiday in 3 years and if I'm paying for anyone to go on holidays its myself

They are making me feel like a complete bitch....

just want to get some opinions.

On what basis? Is it chipping in with others, or are you supposed to foot the bill yourself?

How are they "making me feel like a complete bitch"?

LegacyUser

moremoney wrote: »

My partner's mother wants me to pay for her holiday?

How in god's name did it get to the point where your partner's mother expects you to pay for her holiday??????????? Answer that before you look for any more advice!

LegacyUser

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

On what basis? Is it chipping in with others, or are you supposed to foot the bill yourself?

How are they "making me feel like a complete bitch"?

She is heading off on holiday and she wants me to pay..... She can't afford it herself... Im not going on the holiday. I haven't had one in 3 years...

First, it was subtle hints about the holiday and paying for it and then she just came out and asked.....

I just feel that if I'm paying for any holiday, it will be one for myself and my partner.

If you haven't got the money to go on holidays... you don't go..... because even if I did pay ... where does the spending money come from?....... Id probably be hit for that tooo!

booboo88

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

On what basis? Is it chipping in with others, or are you supposed to foot the bill yourself?

How are they "making me feel like a complete bitch"?

second this, kinda need more info.

does seem wierd his mother wants you to pay for her hols, my own mother wouldnt even expect that from me

Kevin Duffy

moremoney wrote: »

She is heading off on holiday and she wants me to pay..... She can't afford it herself... Im not going on the holiday. I haven't had one in 3 years...

First, it was subtle hints about the holiday and paying for it and then she just came out and asked.....

I just feel that if I'm paying for any holiday, it will be one for myself and my partner.

If you haven't got the money to go on holidays... you don't go..... because even if I did pay ... where does the spending money come from?....... Id probably be hit for that tooo!

Sounds bizzare. I'd be asking why that was expected of me, though I'd be pretty sure I'd be saying no, regardless of the answer.

Still, presumably the people around you making you feel like a bitch for it are really the greater problem. How does that manifest itself?

booboo88

moremoney wrote: »

She is heading off on holiday and she wants me to pay..... She can't afford it herself... Im not going on the holiday. I haven't had one in 3 years...

First, it was subtle hints about the holiday and paying for it and then she just came out and asked.....

I just feel that if I'm paying for any holiday, it will be one for myself and my partner.

If you haven't got the money to go on holidays... you don't go..... because even if I did pay ... where does the spending money come from?....... Id probably be hit for that tooo!

if only people of ireland used this logic, i have ppl ringin me in work to set up arrangments, to which if theyre late with an installment they get a letter.
had a woman today saying she was on holidays for 2 weeks and thats why its not paid.
like you ive not had a holiday in a few years.
wats ur partners feeling on this? his mother is extremely selfish, you dont owe her anything. say no and stick with it, she wants a holiday that bad save up

Sarn

It definitely sounds bizarre. I assume you don't owe her any money or anything like that? Maybe if it was to celebrate a big birthday, 50th, 60th then I can understand chipping in as a gift. Otherwise, putting money towards your own long overdue holiday first seems perfectly reasonable.

LegacyUser

Well part of the reason is I received a settlement recently and my partner told his mam............... that's when this started....

Daisy M

moremoney wrote: »

Hi All

My partner's mother wants me to pay for her holiday? I've said no because I haven't been on a holiday in 3 years and if I'm paying for anyone to go on holidays its myself

They are making me feel like a complete bitch....

just want to get some opinions.

Who is making you feel like a complete bitch? If your partner is putting you under pressure to pay for his mothers holiday then you have to ask yourself what you are letting yourself in for. Tbh this sounds like such an off the wall request I wonder if this is a genuine post.My apologies if you are genuine but I find it hard to believe any normal person would expect their sons partner to fund their hoilday.

booboo88

you should read your own post back..... you recieved a settlement, its in no way her entitlement.

Sardonicat

If you want to get some opinions/advice you will need to post in one coherent post exactly what the issue is.

LegacyUser

hi moremoney, i recently got a settlement as well, and all of my family and dh family as well as half the town, knew about the case as it was for a big car crash and it was going on a few years,

anyway i have had a few people relatives and friends mention how strapped for cash and broke they are sense the settlement,

now i do feel sorry for them but i was out of work for several years and am only working part time now so that money is mine and my dh's for our mortgage and for family holiday as in my dh and kids, and thats it,

we were extremely carefull when i was out of work, and i mean tight isnt the word for how carefull we were, so now when people are coming to me looking for handouts i sympatise and say its awful isnt it, we found it very tuff too when i was on the sick for those few years, and then i change the subject, dh is in agreement with me that that money is ours and isnt for bailing anyone out or squandering.

to be honest if my dh suggested that i spent what money i got on a holiday for his mam after what i went through, a good kick up the arse followed by divorce papers is what he would get, and if it is your boyfriend that is putting the pressure on you, well you need to seriously think about why your with him.

I'm as confused as everybody else is - are you paying for the whole holiday or chipping in with others?

premierlass

Is it possible that the family see you as a soft touch, so that when you come into something good (as they see it) they feel entitled to a part of it because they expect it of you? If this is the case, stop caring so much what they think. They are not entitled to demand goods and services from you.

Say no and stick to it. Be clear and blunt.

If asked why, say what you've said here; that you haven't been on a holiday in years yourself.

LegacyUser

Wow, just wow I would be hoping your boyfriend isn't behind this and isn't working in tandem with his mother trying to scrounge money off of you for a holiday foe his mother, that really is mad and outrageous. If it was me I would be outraged, what right does she have asking you to pay for her holiday? does she take you for a fool or what??

Toots

His mother sounds like a freeloading stingy wagon if you ask me. If she wants a holiday let her pay for it herself. That money (I'm assuming) is some sort of compensation for something bad that happened to you, so you're fully entitled to spend it as you wish, ON YOURSELF! I can't understand why she thinks she has some sort of a right to a free holiday out of it. What does your partner have to say about this. If I were you I'd be telling him to have a little chat with his mother and tell her to leave you alone. Is he taking her side in this?

Taltos

I would actually read your OH the riot act and tell him to sort it pronto...
If she says anything to you afterwards tell her to cop on and don't discuss it further. She is NOT immediate family and to be honest are you really sure you would ever want her to be.
This is the thin edge, my brother never stood up to his now mum in-law and 20 yrs later he is still paying for her, latest is she wants him to pay her mortgage, don't go down that route.
Your OH needs to cop on big time.

LegacyUser

beenthere2 wrote: »

hi moremoney, i recently got a settlement as well, and all of my family and dh family as well as half the town, knew about the case as it was for a big car crash and it was going on a few years,

anyway i have had a few people relatives and friends mention how strapped for cash and broke they are sense the settlement,

now i do feel sorry for them but i was out of work for several years and am only working part time now so that money is mine and my dh's for our mortgage and for family holiday as in my dh and kids, and thats it,

we were extremely carefull when i was out of work, and i mean tight isnt the word for how carefull we were, so now when people are coming to me looking for handouts i sympatise and say its awful isnt it, we found it very tuff too when i was on the sick for those few years, and then i change the subject, dh is in agreement with me that that money is ours and isnt for bailing anyone out or squandering.

to be honest if my dh suggested that i spent what money i got on a holiday for his mam after what i went through, a good kick up the arse followed by divorce papers is what he would get, and if it is your boyfriend that is putting the pressure on you, well you need to seriously think about why your with him.

that's exactly it.... she is strapped for cash... so therefore I think it she shouldn't be booking holidays... i don't get it..... No fool would come and pay for my holiday.......I'm sitting down and I'm seriously questioning what the F@@K Im doing with him.... She has his b@lls well and trully tucked away in her handbag!!

I just had to post the question because I was beginning to think I was the unreasonable...

It took 2 years for my court case to come round and I went through hell in the mean time.... now they just want to blow it all.....

LegacyUser

Toots* wrote: »

His mother sounds like a freeloading stingy wagon if you ask me. If she wants a holiday let her pay for it herself. That money (I'm assuming) is some sort of compensation for something bad that happened to you, so you're fully entitled to spend it as you wish, ON YOURSELF! I can't understand why she thinks she has some sort of a right to a free holiday out of it. What does your partner have to say about this. If I were you I'd be telling him to have a little chat with his mother and tell her to leave you alone. Is he taking her side in this?

When I was ignoring her subtle(NOT) hints , she then started texting and ringing him asking about it.... putting him under immense pressure....

We have been under immense pressure financially the last year so the settlement was a God send....

So then she text me 2 days ago just coming out and asking will I pay for it.. Saying she didn't want to fall out with me.. I told her that the money had been put away out of my reach for that very reason, that I didn't want to be dipping into it. Its for my college fees next year. THEN, she started forwarding my texts onto my boyfriend?!!! LIKE WHAT THE F@@k!!!Ah I've had enough of it... Its really taken the good out of the money.

Pandora2

I've met a few of these freeloaders down throught the years Waste of Oxygen if you ask me:rolleyes:

I have never had very much, brought up 2 kids alone, always worked and thankfully I have no debt but, I was recently made redundant and it took a while for the lump sum to come through...I owed my M-in-Law...€200 and when I paid it back I doubled it:D She is a Senior Citizen and I would never have asked but, it was a matter I could not leave on the long finger:( I thought a couple of hundred was about a weeks pension, and I considered it generous and warranted. She is always buying little things for me and the kids (22 & 15) Grandchildren she did not have until a couple of years ago!! Lovely Lady:D

In the last 2 years of my Mum's life I paid for her home help, she was on disability, and every week she asked me could she start paying for it herself as it was a burdeon on me, bless her:) Best money I ever spent:)

So, coming from that perspective I would tell Your partners Mum you are saving it for a rainy day and give her an umbrella saying, "Now that's you sorted!!!":D

Beruthiel

OP
Firstly, I'd have given my b/f a mighty ear full for tell anyone, including his mother how much you got.
Secondly, who the fuk does she think she is coming to you begging for money?

This is YOUR money and you will do with it whatever the hell you want.
Anyone, and I mean anyone who thinks they can come to you for a hand out should be told the back the fuk off.

Now you didn't start this.
His mother has put you in this very awkward position. This mess is her making.
You tried being nice about it, now it's time for the gloves to come off.
Tell her straight. The money is ear marked and if she cannot afford a holiday, then she shouldn't be going on one.
Stick to your guns OP.
If your b/f doesn't like your decision, tell him take a walk.
It's what I would do were I put in the same position.

seamus

moremoney wrote: »

Its for my college fees next year.

That's it then.

"I can't afford it, I don't have my money".

"What about your settlement?"

"I've already used it to pay for my college fees".

And say no more than that. You don't have to justify yourself. The kind of people who would ask you to pay for their holiday out of your money are the kind of people who will try asking a few times. Just keep saying no. Keep repeating it. Don't get into the whys and hows and whats.

Just. Say. No.

They will likely tell you that you're being mean or unreasonable, but just tell them that you're happy being mean & unreasonable.

You're not, by the way. They are.

And tbh, if your boyfriend is putting pressure on you to give money to his mother, then I'd strongly reconsider your relationship. What will it be like if you end up married, or even tied by an accidental child? How often will she be coming to the pair of you looking for hand-outs and your boyfriend reaching into your collective pockets?

Even if you were married, this would be a ridiculous request. Get her out of a hole, fix her roof, or something. But pay for a holiday? Eh, tell her to cop onto herself.

I am a friend

moremoney wrote: »

So then she text me 2 days ago just coming out and asking will I pay for it.. Saying she didn't want to fall out with me.. I told her that the money had been put away out of my reach for that very reason, that I didn't want to be dipping into it. Its for my college fees next year. THEN, she started forwarding my texts onto my boyfriend?!!! LIKE WHAT THE F@@k!!!Ah I've had enough of it... Its really taken the good out of the money.

I am actually sitting stunned here...

What is your BF doing in all of this? Is he part of the scheme? Put that money awya for a year so you cant be worn down... I would seriously worry about being involved in a family like this. Thats woman is a piece of work and if her son isnt standing up to her I would run like the wind... Total nut jobs.

IrishEyes19

if she really cant afford it herself, why cant her son or other children chip in. She sounds like a user. times are finananically bad enough without that carry on. Was there even any mention of possibly paying back.

squonk

That's outrageous! I'm pretty independent and I consider my money to be my money. You received a settlement so you went through some hardship and are entitled to what you got. When I have money I'm generous with it if I reckon somebody needs something but I'm not with people asking for it. I wouldn't ask for money myself unless I was dying. if they do ask for it and it's because of some ahrdship they are going through and they really have nowhere else to turn, then absolutely fine. If I can help, that's good. NOT FOR GOING ON A FEKIN HOLIDAY THOUGH!!!!

Bottom line here is she's a greedy selfish wagon to even suggest you pay for anything for her. You're not even engaged to her son. Her son, a nice piece of work by the sounds of it, seems to be doing nothing at all to deflect this.

Seriously, OP, why are you still with him? This isn't going to be the last of requests like this and, at the very least, even if you live in poverty all the days of your life from here on in, in your BF's family's eyes, you'll be the mean bitch that didn't stump up the money for their poor, sainted mother to go on holidays that time, cos, god love her, she needed it badly.

Seriously OP, if he's not standing up to the mark now in the relatively early days, it ain't gonna get better. I'd be strongly thinking about moving on and leaving them all to it if I was you.

Beruthiel

It's the absolute gall of her asking in the first place that has me gobsmacked. Who does that?!

LegacyUser

squonk wrote: »

That's outrageous! I'm pretty independent and I consider my money to be my money. You received a settlement so you went through some hardship and are entitled to what you got. When I have money I'm generous with it if I reckon somebody needs something but I'm not with people asking for it. I wouldn't ask for money myself unless I was dying. if they do ask for it and it's because of some ahrdship they are going through and they really have nowhere else to turn, then absolutely fine. If I can help, that's good. NOT FOR GOING ON A FEKIN HOLIDAY THOUGH!!!!

Bottom line here is she's a greedy selfish wagon to even suggest you pay for anything for her. You're not even engaged to her son. Her son, a nice piece of work by the sounds of it, seems to be doing nothing at all to deflect this.

Seriously, OP, why are you still with him? This isn't going to be the last of requests like this and, at the very least, even if you live in poverty all the days of your life from here on in, in your BF's family's eyes, you'll be the mean bitch that didn't stump up the money for their poor, sainted mother to go on holidays that time, cos, god love her, she needed it badly.

Seriously OP, if he's not standing up to the mark now in the relatively early days, it ain't gonna get better. I'd be strongly thinking about moving on and leaving them all to it if I was you.

I know I'm sitting here strongly considering packing my bags this second.. I've seriously had enough... might head off on holidays myself...

I am a friend

Op you do need a holiday and you do not need this crap from a family that is not your own - seriously...

LegacyUser

Jeez, girl, walk.

No, run for the hills. That BF and his mother will only entertain you while you have the money. They are both septic for you.

Go to college and don't have the Psycho two, Bates and his mother, in your life.

LegacyUser

'No' is a complete sentance.

Red flag that she has his balls in a handbag. If I were you I'd tell him to man the fcuk up and tell his Mother to desist or I'd give him his marching orders.

Miss Fluff

moremoney wrote: »

So then she text me 2 days ago just coming out and asking will I pay for it.. Saying she didn't want to fall out with me..

:eek: Didn't want to fall out with you? What kind of thundering gee-bag is she? I'm actually rendered speechless. I'd also be seriously questioning your relationship with your boyfriend. How he has not put a stop to this immediately and is not puce with shame and remorse at being part of such a KNACKER family is beyond me. How very dare he tell her how much you were paid. The fact that she think it is ok to ask you would suggest she ran it past him first. I wouldn't be paying for his holiday either. Except maybe to that resort called Dumpsville.

Jesus, some people.....

Blazer

moremoney wrote: »

I know I'm sitting here strongly considering packing my bags this second.. I've seriously had enough... might head off on holidays myself...

damn straight you should in fairness...but how do you get on with your bf in general??

Tar.Aldarion

what a bitch, and your bf is not standing up for you etc?
I'd be a split second telling my mother to **** off, what kind of guy is your bf

Sephiroth_dude

moremoney wrote: »

I know I'm sitting here strongly considering packing my bags this second.. I've seriously had enough... might head off on holidays myself...

Do! too hell with the two of them,go off and enjoy yourself,you sound like you could do with one tbh.

Zebra3

OP,

Never mind the mother, your boyfriend sounds horrendous.

Dump him.

Two birds, one stone.

tinkerbell

I'd seriously be reconsidering your relationship with your other half if he thinks it is reasonable for his mother to ask this of you. This is just shocking :eek:

Chucky the tree

I'd definitely be out of there. Your boyfriend seems like a spineless coward if he's simply sitting by and letting his mother act like this, imagine what it will be like when you guys are married.

Victor

Two ideas:

1. Set up a new bank account, that only you know about. Ask the bank to hold the statements in branch or get a private post box. Get a cheque book on you current account. Calculate what you have spent on medical bills. Write cheque (to yourself) for that amount and lodge that cheque to the private account. However, mark the counterfoil in the cheque book as "car repair", "credit card bill", "bank loan", etc. Do this with each of the series of costs you have. Whittle away the settlement as it shows on your normal bank account (all the while it builds up in the private account). Pre-pay some bills (load €500 into your ESB bill, assuming its private to you). Suddenly the €20,000 you have is only €5,000. Show her you bank statement and cheque book and ask her how you can afford to go to college if you pay for her holiday. Burn the cheque book.

2. Find the price of a week in Gorey: http://www.discoverireland.ie Add €20-60 for the train fare. www.irishrail.ie Add €20 in spending money. Live in her place for the week and use all her food / drink.


PS Once upon a time I received a settlement. I told some friends and family. Not a single person asked for a penny and my mother even tried to refuse the cheque I gave her to repay her for money she gave me to cover medical bills.

nicechick!

moremoney wrote: »

Well part of the reason is I received a settlement recently and my partner told his mam............... that's when this started....

she sounds like a right old witch how dare she to put the onus on you to pay for her LIFESTYLE HABITS no doubt loaded with emotional blackmail tut tut shame on her for treating you this way don't give in whatever you

spinandscribble

This is crazy. You shouldn't even need to justify where the money's going. It's not her sons, it's not her's, she's no claim on it.

I know a lot of people say on this forum the advice is all too often 'dump him' but I think in this situation it's deserved. He's your bf, not fiancé, not your husband. His mothers there to stay and she already is putting pressure on you like this? He's not only allowing but encouraging it?

Go on a holiday with a friend but dump him beforehand.

Sardonicat

OP

That money is for your education. The fact that your bf is pressuring you to give something as important as that up to pay for his mother's holiday proves that his values and priorities are very different to yours.

It's time to leave him to it. Send him a postcard from your holiday and a few photos of your graduation ceremony.

lace

WOW OP. I seriously can't believe the cheek of your bf and his mother. :eek:

I agree with what other posters here have said - you should definitely put some of that money away for a few years so you know people won't bother you for it.

I know she's putting a lot of pressure on him and he doesn't want to fall out with the only mother he's got, but your boyfriend needs to stand up to this absolute WAGON!

If he's in on this with her then how long is it going to be before he's asking you for money too (and probably bleeding it back to her)?

If you stay with this guy how do you feel about him telling his mother all your private business or allowing her to interfere with your relationship?

It's a difficult situation to be in but you seem to be doing pretty well at the moment If this guy and his family are so bad you're better off without them!

Distorted

What a shameless bunch of freeloaders! And you mentioned that friends and family of yours have been dropping hints too! I can't fathom people like this. They will push and push without shame in the hope that you will give in. If you don't, they have lost nothing (except their pride and self respect, which they probably didn't have that much of in the first place).

Maybe they think because it was a settlement and not due to work, the money is somehow less yours and more to be shared out?

Honestly OP, I would simply tell the graspy greedy woman quite sharply that you have no intention of giving her any money and that you have no time for freeloaders. Stand up for yourself - your boyfriend (brought up in a family which sees no shame in behaving in this manner) certainly isn't going to.

She has gone beyond the realms of politeness.

squonk

I just want to add that if it was my brother's girlfriend who got a settlement and my mam was looking to get a holiday for herself out of it, aside from my brother, but the rest of us all would be ganging up on my mam telling her she couldn't do that and had no right to even ask. Now, my mam would never, ever do that so it's all hypothetical. It illustrates the difference though. If the rest of the family are ganging up on you instead of the mother, it's an awfully ugly situation and I'd really have sever doubts over the lot of them. I wouldn't be bothering with them because it's not what I'd expect from my family and not what I'd put up with from anybody else.

Infact, unless we were engaged or married or going out a very long time, I'd consider a settlement my girlfriend got to be her business. If she wanted to tell me about it or the amount then that's fine and it's her choice but I wouldn't expect it. I wouldn't then even mention it to anybody else as it's still her business and her deciding to tell me would be, as I see it, a sign of the trust she had in me. I wouldn't want to ever abuse that. On the other side of the coin, if she was telling everybody about it she'd be getting plenty of hassle from me to shut up and not be so free, just because I'd know she'd be a target for freeloaders and I'd want to protect her.

I just give my viewpoint from my own personal perspective as a guy but I think a lot of lads would have similar views. In my eyes your boyfriend is a right scumbag. Frankly he makes me sick. I'd really hope you consider giving this fella his marching orders because there are a lot of guys out there who would treat you a lot better.

beagle001

Put the money needed for college aside,if you have any cash left over just book a solo holiday and don't even tell anyone till it's booked and paid for.
Then let them all know you are off on a hol to do sone soul searching and leave it at that.
You mother in law sounds like a free loader bigtime,ignore her requests.

Stench Blossoms

This is shocking.

Like another poster said, if it was my mother looking for my partner to pay for a holiday I'd tell her to take a hike.

Poor Uncle Tom

OP do you have any real family around you that you can use as a sounding board (mam, dad, sister, brother) once you talk it through with someone who really loves you, you'll get a perspective of the whole issue. Where you are now is toxic for you, get out of there.

LegacyUser

Ok, UPDATE - She's on to my BF bawling and crying all day yesterday because she had the deposit down but it had to be paid by 4pm yesterday... He's told her that I didn't want to pay for her holiday... still the guilt trips still keep coming to his phone.... So he told her to fook off and turned off his phone.

I LOST it with him..... Told him to grow a pair or move out. Told him I'm booking a holiday and he aint invited...

I've been with him 5 years.... this has never happened before and we've always had a great relationship bar the normal ups and downs

Leitrim lass

OP, You've never mentioned what your partner is saying about all this.
Is he also putting pressure on you to pay for his mothers holiday or is he mortified but not standing up to her?
How long have you been with him by the way?
And did he show much interest in the case and money for the last two years?

You shouldn't have to explain that you are paying off next next years collage fees.
I wouldn't be justifying or explaining the reasons for not giving her my money. By doing so you giving her a psychological advantage if you know what I mean.

If your partner has access to your bank details change them and have them send to a PO box instead.