Some advice wanted

Son_of_Belial

I'll try to keep this as short and sweet as I can. My girlfriend of ten months and I broke up on Friday after an almighty row. I won't go into the details of it but it was enough to leave us both pretty sure that the damage was terminal.

On Saturday I went out on the lash with some friends to try and drown my sorrows etc. (as you do.) During the course of the night I picked up a random girl and brought her home. It was pretty clear to us both that the arrangement was just sex. I dropped her home from my apartment the next morning all's peachy. My reasons for that are completely different from why I'm putting up this thread, I definitely do love my ex, and sleeping with someone else only underlined how much I miss her and can't imagine being with someone else for the foreseeable.

So here's the point of all this: My ex and I are now tentatively considering working through our issues and seeing if we can fix things. Should I come clean about the one-night-stand, have everything out on the table and risk breaking her heart again, really hurting her and scuttling any chance of us reconciling? Should I keep my mouth shut about it, draw a line under it and try to move on? The chances of my friends ever telling her are virtually nil. Any input from people would be really appreciated.

LegacyUser

I know it seems like not telling her would be the easiest way out, and the way that causes the least hurt. I get that you want to avoid hurting her in any way. But she deserves to know the truth if she's getting back into a relationship with you. She deserves to have all the facts and then make her decision.

If it was me and I somehow found out later down the line, it would cause irreparable damage - not just to the relationship, but to my sense of trust in other people. It would destroy me.

I'd rather know now, be upset and then make a decision, rather than be deceived. Tell her the truth, it's only fair.

squonk

OP I'd say nothing. It depends on what you want but I can't see your OH taking you back if you finished with her on Friday and slept with someone else Saturday. Honesty is always a good thing but in this case it's going to cause nothing but trouble.

The downside for you is that if you do get back with your girlfriend and things develop then you're going to have to live with this forever and the issue becomes whether you think you'll be able to do that.

I am a friend

I am torn on this one... How would she take it? Is she logical or would she be very very hurt by it?

Son_of_Belial

I am a friend wrote: »

I am torn on this one... How would she take it? Is she logical or would she be very very hurt by it?

She'd be gutted. I know it mustn't seem like it since yes I did have a one-night-stand only the day after we broke up but I love her a great deal. I don't want to lose her and certainly don't want to hurt her any more than she already is. Part of me says "You weren't together, it's not her business" but if I tell her she'll get the wrong idea and think I don't care for her. I was an emotional wreck on Saturday night and fairly drunk, I was thinking with a completely different part of my anatomy than my heart/brain. I made it worse too because she rang me to talk and asked me straight out if I had been with anyone that night. The inflection in her tone when she asked the question told me all I needed about how much an admission would break her, so I was a coward and lied to her. Now not only do I risk losing her forever with honesty, but I risk doing it for lying to her too. I want to be honest with her, but she's as much in love with me as I am in her, I couldn't hurt her all over again. I can forget it because it meant nothing to me, but she wouldn't see it that way.

rbag

I think you should come clean... because if you say nothing now and it comes out at a later date, there may not be anyway back from it then.

butterfly84

If you really mean what you say in that you love her and she would never find out,then I wouldnt tell her.

If I was your GF I wouldnt want to know (If I would definitely not find out otherwise).She will be constantly thinking about it and may not trust you to go out without her.

She would probably be devasted is she found out and might not forgive it whether or not you were together,that is the risk you take.

LegacyUser

I don't think you should tell her, sometimes you have to go through these things to find out what you have. You now know who you do want to be with.

Son_of_Belial

I know my friends would never say anything, so the issue isn't whether she'll find out herself or not. I'm just unsure as to whether I should be honest and tell her (which would completely break her, even if there is no chance of us getting back together). There's a case to be made for honesty, but there's also a case to be made for not saying anything at all and following the old saying "what she doesn't know won't hurt her"...

I am a friend

If your friends know you have to tell her...

Son_of_Belial

I am a friend wrote: »

If your friends know you have to tell her...

Any other day I'd agree but (how do I put this delicately)... They're my friends, not hers. They've never liked her.

rbag

I think you have to tell her. Really. There is a chance she may understand after the row etc. But if you say nothing now it's so dishonest. Start with a clean slate and all that.

Wompa1

Well it's easy to judge...because obviously it wasn't obviously terminal or you wouldn't be talking about working through things now.

I'm afraid the we were broken up thing won't fly, it was way too soon afterwards for her to be understanding about it. If you really love her and want her back the only way is to not tell her. But can you live with the guilt of knowing?

nicechick!

Son_of_Belial wrote: »

I'll try to keep this as short and sweet as I can. My girlfriend of ten months and I broke up on Friday after an almighty row. I won't go into the details of it but it was enough to leave us both pretty sure that the damage was terminal.

On Saturday I went out on the lash with some friends to try and drown my sorrows etc. (as you do.) During the course of the night I picked up a random girl and brought her home. It was pretty clear to us both that the arrangement was just sex. I dropped her home from my apartment the next morning all's peachy. My reasons for that are completely different from why I'm putting up this thread, I definitely do love my ex, and sleeping with someone else only underlined how much I miss her and can't imagine being with someone else for the foreseeable.

So here's the point of all this: My ex and I are now tentatively considering working through our issues and seeing if we can fix things. Should I come clean about the one-night-stand, have everything out on the table and risk breaking her heart again, really hurting her and scuttling any chance of us reconciling? Should I keep my mouth shut about it, draw a line under it and try to move on? The chances of my friends ever telling her are virtually nil. Any input from people would be really appreciated.

Don't tell her

I am a friend

Son_of_Belial wrote: »

Any other day I'd agree but (how do I put this delicately)... They're my friends, not hers. They've never liked her.

Why are you with someone your friends dont like?

More reason then to tell her - it will come out some night they are bitching about her.

nicechick!

Son_of_Belial wrote: »

Any other day I'd agree but (how do I put this delicately)... They're my friends, not hers. They've never liked her.

hmm right I wouldn't tell her but seeing as you've mentioned your friends don't actually like her! surely they may be capable are actually letting it slip so to speak also its likely they don't have much regard for her feelings or have any loyalty towards her as such.

Son_of_Belial

Trust me on this, my friends wouldn't let it slip and have never bitched about her to her face. They're nice to her and try to be friendly towards her for my sake because they know I love her. That's not really the issue here though. The issue is whether I should tell her or not, knowing that there's almost no chance of her ever finding out about Saturday night outside of my telling her. It's a toss up between being honest and starting on a clean slate or totally ripping her heart out and really hurting her. I have never cheated on anyone in my life and am not going to start now, so there's no danger there. I'm still a bit confused. Interesting though how the girls in this thread mostly seem to be like "Don't tell her"...

I am a friend

Tell her. Its going to come out...

Son_of_Belial

nicechick! wrote: »

hmm right I wouldn't tell her but seeing as you've mentioned your friends don't actually like her! surely they may be capable are actually letting it slip so to speak also its likely they don't have much regard for her feelings or have any loyalty towards her as such.

Honestly, they are very loyal to me. They'd never tell her. It's true they'd like to see the back of her, but they wouldn't do or say anything which would hurt me either. Savvy? I'm beginning to lean towards your advice nicechick!

nicechick!

Son_of_Belial wrote: »

Trust me on this, my friends wouldn't let it slip and have never bitched about her to her face. They're nice to her and try to be friendly towards her for my sake because they know I love her. That's not really the issue here though. The issue is whether I should tell her or not, knowing that there's almost no chance of her ever finding out about Saturday night outside of my telling her. It's a toss up between being honest and starting on a clean slate or totally ripping her heart out and really hurting her. I have never cheated on anyone in my life and am not going to start now, so there's no danger there. I'm still a bit confused. Interesting though how the girls in this thread mostly seem to be like "Don't tell her"...

Ok if I were faced with this! I think I'd hate you more for telling me why? You wouldn't get the chance to make this relationship work as I would question your emotional attachment to me as you felt complied to sleep with another girl immediately after the break up i.e ''you went on the lash with the boys & shagged another girl'' does not suggest you were upset! whereas your girlfriend was likely to be with a friend/friends in tears, distraught, upset facing the fact that the relationship could be over by telling her it will be a real blow to her self esteem she will now be faced with doubts towards you i.e what happens the next time you have an argument & go on the lash with the boys! it will create a big trust issue

Don't tell her move on move forward and forget!

Son_of_Belial

OK, that's swung it... I don't want her thinking I'm not upset, 'cos believe me I am. I'm gonna keep my mouth shut and get on with it.

nicechick!

Son_of_Belial wrote: »

Honestly, they are very loyal to me. They'd never tell her. It's true they'd like to see the back of her, but they wouldn't do or say anything which would hurt me either. Savvy? I'm beginning to lean towards your advice nicechick!

Did you ever see the episode of the show friends

this reminds me of the whole Ross & Rachel thing and the whole ''we were on a break theme'' check it out


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsvsRZhNVp4

Son_of_Belial

Lol that wasn't lost on me!

seenitall

nicechick! wrote: »

You wouldn't get the chance to make this relationship work as I would question your emotional attachment to me as you felt complied to sleep with another girl immediately after the break up i.e ''you went on the lash with the boys & shagged another girl'' does not suggest you were upset! whereas your girlfriend was likely to be with a friend/friends in tears, distraught, upset facing the fact that the relationship could be over by telling her it will be a real blow to her self esteem she will now be faced with doubts towards you i.e what happens the next time you have an argument & go on the lash with the boys! it will create a big trust issue

Which is all the more reason to tell her, of course.

If I were your ex who was thinking of getting back together with you, I'd want to know, OP, and how! I'd want to have the chance to reconsider the whole thing in light of this new information, and I would most probably not get back with you/someone like you.

tl;dr:

If you want to do right by your ex, tell her you went to bed with someone else the next day after the break-up.

If you want to get her back, don't tell her the above. Keep quiet. Just don't pull the old "It will rip her heart out" chestnut. Let's face it, if you didn't want her back, it wouldn't be such an issue for you. It is to your benefit to keep shtum, not hers. Not being in the full possession of the facts is actually to her detriment, so at least don't try and pretend otherwise!

nicechick!

Son_of_Belial wrote: »

Lol that wasn't lost on me!

Good luck!

nicechick!

seenitall wrote: »

Which is all the more reason to tell her, of course.

If I were your ex who was thinking of getting back together with you, I'd want to know, OP, and how! I'd want to have the chance to reconsider the whole thing in light of this new information, and I would most probably not get back with you/someone like you.

tl;dr:

If you want to do right by your ex, tell her you went to bed with someone else the next day after the break-up.

If you want to get her back, don't tell her the above. Keep quiet. Just don't pull the old "It will rip her heart out" chestnut. Let's face it, if you didn't want her back, it wouldn't be such an issue for you. It is to your benefit to keep shtum, not hers. Not being in the full possession of the facts is actually to her detriment, so at least don't try and pretend otherwise!

All the more drive to empower him to making this relationship work, why would you create more drama, upset after a stupid mindless mistake in which he regrets. (I assume this isn't the normal behaviour on his part)

King of Kings

don't tell - there is no need and it won't help anybody

seenitall

nicechick! wrote: »

All the more drive to empower him to making this relationship work, why would you create more drama, upset after a stupid mindless mistake in which he regrets. (I assume this isn't the normal behaviour on his part)

To paraphrase Ross (but in the opposite context, pretty much ): Because THEY ARE ON THE BREAK!!! (break-up in this case)

If ever there was a time for drama, the final showdown, the ugly truth and all that shyte, the broken-up time is the time to do it.

As for his "empowerment", in this case it will be at the expense of hers (being kept ignorant of relevant facts is being disempowered). There is no getting around that.

Son_of_Belial

nicechick! wrote: »

seenitall wrote: »

Which is all the more reason to tell her, of course.

If I were your ex who was thinking of getting back together with you, I'd want to know, OP, and how! I'd want to have the chance to reconsider the whole thing in light of this new information, and I would most probably not get back with you/someone like you.

tl;dr:

If you want to do right by your ex, tell her you went to bed with someone else the next day after the break-up.

If you want to get her back, don't tell her the above. Keep quiet. Just don't pull the old "It will rip her heart out" chestnut. Let's face it, if you didn't want her back, it wouldn't be such an issue for you. It is to your benefit to keep shtum, not hers. Not being in the full possession of the facts is actually to her detriment, so at least don't try and pretend otherwise!

All the more drive to empower him to making this relationship work, why would you create more drama, upset after a stupid mindless mistake in which he regrets. (I assume this isn't the normal behaviour on his part)

I can assure you it's not.

LegacyUser

Upset? Yeah you must have been really upset to go out and stick your dick in another girl.....

If you really see your future with this girl, think about this down the line. There's really no grey area here - you slept with someone else the day after you 'broke up'. If you get married, have kids, etc. etc., and in 20 years' time SOMEHOW it comes out... (maybe one of your friends will have drunkenly told their wives/girlfriends and they'll drunkenly tell your girlfriend/wife)

Yes it's all hypothetical at the moment, but it's possible. If other people know, then she might know some day too.

You are being very dishonest by not coming clean with her. The guilt of keeping something so huge to myself would be very hard to deal with.

Kevin Duffy

I don't think your question should be tell versus don't tell, I think your question should be that if you had a row and split up and your first response was to get into bed with someone else, are you being honest about your feelings. If you're truly in love with someone, you wouldn't have done that.

greenprincess

Hum..... this is a really hard one. Here is a question to ask yourself....If you were to get married could you do it with her not knowing? I really dont know what I'd do though, because if I was your girlfriend I would NOT want to know. Tough call just go with your gut

AnnyHallsal

Your girlfriend should be the one to decide if she wants to be with you even though you've done this. By withholding this information you're presenting a different self, the kind of man who doesn't do this kind of thing.

I'd write an email/letter explaining everything, that it was a meaningless mistake, instantly regretted. If you try to talk about it in person you might not get the opportunity to say everything you need to.

LegacyUser

Son_of_Belial wrote: »

Any other day I'd agree but (how do I put this delicately)... They're my friends, not hers. They've never liked her.

Hmmmm this makes me worried, if they dont like her, so you not think they would manipulate a situation so that she may find out indirectly?

Personally, I was in this situation before. I was going out with a guy for nearly a year and we broke up over a blazing row like you did. He said he needed his space and I needed mine. In the end we were back together in a week. I had asked him if he had been with anyone - he said no, i told him I had kissed someone else in that week.

10 months later, one of my friends found out that he had in face slept with one of her mutual friends. That was that. Trust gone immediately, I felt betrayed and I felt there would be no moving on as I was then questionning every other night he was out on his own with his mates.

In short, I would tell her now. Yes she will be hurt, but make sure you explain that it was 'nothing' and take resposibility for it. Stand up and be a man. Yes she may decide to walk at this point....and if so she may have the time and space to reflect on this, as will you. The break up was still very raw and once she and you have space you may be able to weigh up the pros and cons of what led to this.

Be honest with yourself and her Vs self consumed with guilt....you say you are emotional with drink, who is to day this wont come out in the future following another argument. She will respect your honesty more in the long run. Without honesty and trust a relationship is doomed. If it is meant to be, you will both work through it.

Miss Fluff

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

I don't think your question should be tell versus don't tell, I think your question should be that if you had a row and split up and your first response was to get into bed with someone else, are you being honest about your feelings. If you're truly in love with someone, you wouldn't have done that.

+1, couldn't agree more. I'd really question how serious you are about the girl if, hours after this row that you deemed to have caused irreperable damage, you then go and shag some randomer. You can't have been that devastated.

On another note, if you're thinking of yourself, then you do need to tell her. The truth will come out, of that I have no doubt. Because if your friends don't like her then one of them will make absolutely sure to let her know at some stage. They will delight in doing so, regardless of their loyalty to you.

Tell her and let her decide. It's that or face WWIII when she does find out. Which she will.

LegacyUser

If you want to tell her because you know for absolute certain that she'd want to know, tell her. But if you just want to tell her to salve your conscience, then don't tell her.

Silly thing to do by the way.

Chinafoot

Son_of_Belial wrote: »

Honestly, they are very loyal to me. They'd never tell her. It's true they'd like to see the back of her, but they wouldn't do or say anything which would hurt me either. Savvy? I'm beginning to lean towards your advice nicechick!

So, so naiive. You really think that your mates who would "like to see the back of her" and bitch about her behind her back (but not to her face, so thats ok then :rolleyes:) won't ever let this slip because they're loyal to you? If they were loyal to you they wouldn't ever badmouth your girlfriend. The fact that they're nice to her face doesn't make them loyal.

All it will take is for one of your mates to be on a night out in her company, too many drinks taken, his dislike for your girlfriend brought to the fore and then boom. "Yeah well, Son of Belial shagged some randomer the day after you split. What do ya think of that?"

Kevin Duffy hit the nail on the head. But you're clearly just looking for validation of a decision you've already made so I've no doubt you'll choose to ignore it.

Moomoo1

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

I don't think your question should be tell versus don't tell, I think your question should be that if you had a row and split up and your first response was to get into bed with someone else, are you being honest about your feelings. If you're truly in love with someone, you wouldn't have done that.

I don't think it's so shocking to do what he did - when someone like that is no longer there that leaves a void, and some people would resort to something like that to fill this void.

He has to tell her... would be horrible not to.

Wowbagger

Personally, I would tell her, before one of your friends "lets it slip accidentally".

I agree with Chinafoot if they were your friends they wouldn't bad mouth her to you. They may never tell, but what if they do? and they do it after you are married? assuming you and her manage to get around the issue.

Best of luck.

gargleblaster

Son_of_Belial wrote: »

Trust me on this, my friends wouldn't let it slip and have never bitched about her to her face. They're nice to her and try to be friendly towards her for my sake because they know I love her. That's not really the issue here though. The issue is whether I should tell her or not, knowing that there's almost no chance of her ever finding out about Saturday night outside of my telling her. It's a toss up between being honest and starting on a clean slate or totally ripping her heart out and really hurting her. I have never cheated on anyone in my life and am not going to start now, so there's no danger there. I'm still a bit confused. Interesting though how the girls in this thread mostly seem to be like "Don't tell her"...

"Almost." Exactly.

You can tell her now, and deal with her on an honest and fair level, and risk possibly losing her. Or, you can gamble, keep her in the dark about yourself, and hope to god she never finds out. Because if she does, that will not only rip her heart out, but also ruin her ability to trust you and end the relationship once and for all.

Then again, you've already lied to her once, right? So you might have already compromised your chances with her further than you did the night after you broke up with her, when you chose to sleep with someone else. You'll be forced to admit you already lied to her about sleeping around, so it would seem you've pretty much already made your choice.

Chinafoot

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I don't think it's so shocking to do what he did - when someone like that is no longer there that leaves a void, and some people would resort to something like that to fill this void.

A void? 24 hours (note, hours. Not days or weeks) after they split and he needs to fill a void? He said himself it was purely a sexual thing that meant nothing to him. Justifying his behaviour like its some sort of need he can't control is such a cop out.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

He has to tell her... would be horrible not to.

For once I agree with you.

Moomoo1

Chinafoot wrote: »

A void? 24 hours (note, hours. Not days or weeks) after they split and he needs to fill a void? He said himself it was purely a sexual thing that meant nothing to him. Justifying his behaviour like its some sort of need he can't control is such a cop out.

24 hours is a bit quick, but from what I understood, they were broken up with no mention of reconciliation.

thecookingapple

24 hrs, days, weeks, months.

It makes no difference, you where single, she was single and there is no need to confess anything, if she asks then you have a moral dilemma, but unless she asks then its really none of her business.

AnnyHallsal

thecookingapple wrote: »

24 hrs, days, weeks, months.

It makes no difference, you where single, she was single and there is no need to confess anything, if she asks then you have a moral dilemma, but unless she asks then its really none of her business.

She asked already. He lied.

booboo88

Son_of_Belial wrote: »

Any other day I'd agree but (how do I put this delicately)... They're my friends, not hers. They've never liked her.

For this very reason you should tell her, a drunken argument down the line??
I can see it all spilling out

booboo88

Moomoo1 wrote: »

24 hours is a bit quick, but from what I understood, they were broken up with no mention of reconciliation.

usually when you break up there is no mention of reconciliation......
oh yea lets break up but get back to together next week....
personally he doesnt truly love her if he can just meet a random stranger and have sex, but contemplate not telling her

Son_of_Belial

booboo88 wrote: »

usually when you break up there is no mention of reconciliation......
oh yea lets break up but get back to together next week....
personally he doesnt truly love her if he can just meet a random stranger and have sex, but contemplate not telling her

The reconciliation part came completely out of left-field, I never saw it coming. I've read all of your posts and I'm pretty sure now that I've made my decision.

Contrary to what most of you think, I do love her, and I am mature enough at this stage to know what that is. If I didn't love her this wouldn't be bothering me and I'd never have posted this thread.

I'll see her and make it clear that we're not working and keep it closed off. At the same time I'm going to stick with the lie already told and not tell her. There really is no point in twisting the knife.

Obviously it's not the outcome I'd envisaged but I've made my bed, I suppose I should go and lie in it.

Moomoo1

if I've understood you right, you will stay broken up just so that you don't have to face the whole situation about having to tell her?

on top of that you will lie about the real reasons for why don't want to get back together?

and you say you love this person? Why not just be honest with her and let her decide what she wants to do? It will be better for both of you in the long run.

Son_of_Belial

So we patched things up after our fight, got back together, all was going great, then she found out about this. I'm not quite sure how but she either read this thread (unlikely) or a message I had sent friends on my Facebook (I think she got in to those on my phone). She says no one told her. Anyway - it's all damage control right now, she's totally devastated. Amazingly she hasn't dumped me... Working through this. Interflora have already been deployed. It's a mess...

booboo88

Son_of_Belial wrote: »

So we patched things up after our fight, got back together, all was going great, then she found out about this. I'm not quite sure how but she either read this thread (unlikely) or a message I had sent friends on my Facebook (I think she got in to those on my phone). She says no one told her. Anyway - it's all damage control right now, she's totally devastated. Amazingly she hasn't dumped me... Working through this. Interflora have already been deployed. It's a mess...

what did you expect?? really? im amazed she hasnt dumped you either, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me :rolleyes:

Esoteric_

If you love her so much and whatever else, why would you have been talking to your mates on facebook about some random girl you shagged, in private messages or otherwise? Surely you'd have kept quiet and tried to forget it happened?