wife doesn't want me to have any contact with my sister

doubletrouble?

hi all this is bugging me big time.
a few years back our mom died, family fought and went their own ways, a real nasty one.recently my little sister has gotten back on contact with me and wants to make peace. she says she has learned from her mistakes and wants the past to stay in the past.only thing is my wife and wants me to have nothing to do with my sis. chatting on the phone yes ,saying she never wants me to see my sister again.my sis put me through hell and my wife had to pick up the pieces.at the end she'll always be my sister. my wife is expecting and i dont want to have her stressed out , i dont want her upset,but yet those years are one to long to keep this fight going. my head is wrecked over this.i've used to be very close to my sister yet i love my wife dearly.

dellas1979

You should defo have a relationship with your sister.

I know your wife might feel a little betrayed/that feeling because as you said, she picked up the pieces - you need to remind her how grateful you are for that, but if you can get past what happened, she should too.

flutterflye

I can definitely see it from your wife's point of view.
She has seen the hurt your family has caused you, probably felt your hurt alongside you, and it probably had an affect on your relationship, home life, and other areas in your life.
And you have possibly moved on a bit, and maybe nolonger has such an impact on your life?
(Sorry! A whole load of presumptions made here on my part!)

Anyway, so now your sister has come back, and your wife is terrified that it will reopen old wounds, and cause you all that pain she thought was in the past.

I get all that.
But the fact of the matter is it is not her decision.

Yes, it will affect her if things don't work out, so in that way she is involved.
But all she can do is be there for you, advise you, and support your decisions.

If you feel that you want to restore a relationship with your sister, that is ultimately your decision, a decision that your wife needs to respect.

Your wife (and your kids if you have any) does not need to play an active role in the relationship between you and your sister if she does not want to.
As in, she does not need to meet up with her and play happy families.

She doesn't even have to hear about it if she really doesn't want to, although I would hope that she would want to, seeing as it is important to you.

But I think that you are going to have to somehow sit her down and calmly get her to see that while you are aware of her wishes, understand her fears, and understand that it indirectly affects her too,
you have known your sister since she was born, grew up together, share many memories, and it means a lot to you to try and work at building up that relationship again.

This is what I would say in your shoes.
Take it only as what it is- advice from a stranger on the internet!

Explain that you truly appreciate how she was there with you and for you when times got tough, and while you recognise that her intentions are to prevent you from unnecessary pain, you feel that it is unfair of her to stand in the way of your chance to make amends with your little sister.
And it is most unfair for her to try and dictate the terms of your contact.

Explain that you know that it very well may all come crumbling down at your feet, and if it does, so be it, it you would rather take the risk than to never know.

Let her know that you are going to go against her better judgement in this case as it is highly important to you, and it would mean a lot to you if she can support you in your decision.

premierlass

If possible I would postpone any confrontations on the subject until the baby is born so as to lessen the stress in your household. A little time may also help your sister demonstrate her good faith.

pencilsharp

She's your sister, its your decision. Your wife should stand by you.

metrovelvet

Its not uncommon for this kind of crap to happen in bereavements. Has you wife ever lost a parent? Has she any empathy for that?

Yes she picked up the pieces, but that does not entitle her to dictate who you can and cant have a relationship within your family. IF this is something you want to do, to make peace than you have to honour that.

You dont want to die never having spoken to your sister again do you?

Life goes by very fast, its later than you think and this opportunity may not be there forever.

sambuka41

I guess it really depends on the reasons why you fell out with your sister. I know she is your family but that doesn't mean you have to put up with crap from them. You are in the process of forming a new family, with a child. That needs to be your priority. You need to provide a stable home for your child the same way your parents did for you. If there is a chance your sister will disrupt that then I can see her reluctance.

If the fallout was related to the bereavement and your sister doesn't bring a lot of baggage then maybe speak to your wife about it and say its important to have a relationship with her.

Its not clear cut as wife Vs sister, only you know whats happened in the past and what might happen again in the future. Your wife may be acting protectively towards you and the baby.

wasper

doubletrouble? wrote: »

hi all this is bugging me big time.
a few years back our mom died, family fought and went their own ways, a real nasty one.recently my little sister has gotten back on contact with me and wants to make peace. she says she has learned from her mistakes and wants the past to stay in the past.only thing is my wife and wants me to have nothing to do with my sis. chatting on the phone yes ,saying she never wants me to see my sister again.my sis put me through hell and my wife had to pick up the pieces.at the end she'll always be my sister. my wife is expecting and i dont want to have her stressed out , i dont want her upset,but yet those years are one to long to keep this fight going. my head is wrecked over this.i've used to be very close to my sister yet i love my wife dearly.

Your wife has no right to order you from seeing your sister. If she doesn't like it she can always leave the house when your sister visits. As one contributor said that you are grateful to wife for helping you pick the pieces but to go through life with this festering hatred & resentment is not healthy for all parties.
Make your peace & take it slowly. Good luck with the future

Gilda Fortune

I think you should ask your sister to write a letter to your wife explaining the mistakes she made and apologising. then see how your wife feels.
i imagine your wife is only worried you wil get hurt again and she is pregnant and doesnt need the stress.
but i do think people deserve second chances esp family, depending on the enormity of what originally happened of course.

Ickle Magoo

I don't think it's reasonable for your wife to banish you from moving on from conflicts and repairing damaged relationships - certainly not with your own family. However, if your wife was nothing but supportive and felt the full brunt of the conflict as it happens then perhaps putting her needs and stress levels at this time before your own or your families wishes to reacquaint would be the best compromise...

I think premierlass gives some sage advice:

premierlass wrote: »

If possible I would postpone any confrontations on the subject until the baby is born so as to lessen the stress in your household. A little time may also help your sister demonstrate her good faith.

All the best. :cool:

I am a friend

Well if you do start a relationship again with your sister then ensure you don't go running to your wife if / when the relationship breaks down again.

trio

at the end she'll always be my sister

Yes, and at the end your wife will always be your wife. She is always going to be the one to pick up the pieces. And she is, or should be, just as important as this sister. She is your family too.

Since your sister did put you through Hell, I'd be very wary if I were you. Talk on the phone by all means - but be circumspect and don't rush into a new intimacy with her.

You have all the time in the world. There's no hurry. If, after a while of speaking on the phone, and once the baby is born, and everything is on an even and undramatic keel for a length of time - then your wife may have softened considerably towards her.

But I would do as she asks for the next while. Phone only - your wife is priority during this time, and whilst you have a newborn.

Kevin Duffy

This is a completely unreasonable demand from your wife. If you give in to it, you will spend your time wondering how your sister is doing, regretting the decision and eventually resenting your wife's interference.

Your relationship with your sister can be managed and controlled in very easy, practical ways.

In some families in these circumstances, the chance to rebuild never comes and people die with huge regrets and holes in their hearts left by missing people, don't be one of them.

metrovelvet

premierlass wrote: »

If possible I would postpone any confrontations on the subject until the baby is born so as to lessen the stress in your household. A little time may also help your sister demonstrate her good faith.

The stress in the household will increase dramatically once the baby is born .

When your baby is born you will start thinking about your deceased parent. Your baby may even remind you of the deceased parent too. It will be very bitter sweet, but you will feel like a total curd if you had the opportunity to make ammends with your sister and you turned it down. The opportunity may not come again. YOur baby is already down a grandmother, dont make her be down an aunt too. They need all the people and family they can get. Dont lose sight of that.

Your wife will always find an excuse why its not a good time. Presuming you are having your baby Christenend she also wont want to invite your sister, she will also not want the baby to see his/her aunt.

Bereavement does crazy **** to people. Most normal people understand this. Most people are not normal when they are in the throes of grief.

kayos

I have to comment on this one as I've seen this from a child's view and a fighting sibling view.

My siblings and I grew up without knowledge of an uncle due to a family dispute and only found out about him when our grandfather died. Does your wife really want your child not to know about their aunt? An aunt who will dote on them and be a big part of their lives? As a child I found it strange why I never knew that uncle. When I asked about him I was told not to ask. I'm in my 30's and I can still count on my hands the number of times I've seen him. To this day its still a very strange feeling any time we meet but he is family and I do try to make the effort.

On the other side of the coin I had a bust up with my sister at one stage ending up in us not speaking for a couple of years. She made the initial contact to try and get things back on track and the reason was she was expecting her first child. She didn't want us to be at conflict any more and the driving reason was she saw that family was important and even more so when she was expecting her own child. We've honestly never looked back we're back to how we were bother and sister and very good and close friends.

I know I would be hurt beyond repair if I was cut out of my nieces life. She brings smiles to my wife and I's faces every time we think of her and more so when we get to spend time with her. They grow up so fast and if my sister had not made the effort and if my wife didn't support me giving it a go I would have missed out on something that from both sides of the story just can not be put 100% right again.

borderlinemeath

While your wife has your best interests at heart at the end of the day it isn't her sister, it's yours.

Unfortunately in life you cannot choose your family, and as many posters have said bereavement does strange things to a family. We had a big rift in our family when our father died 25 years ago and to this day there is still a frostiness between certain sisters and one brother. We literally only all get together for funerals, as there have been 5 family weddings where the whole family weren't present due to the friction. Also one marriage break up has it's roots in the problem as well.

I would love nothing better than to have all my family in one room happily getting along and if my partner thought it would stress me out then he would say so but he most certainly give me an ultimatum. He knows that it's my family and however fcuked up they are - they're still family. And I would have the same respect for his. (and that's a story for another day)

doubletrouble?

sambuka41 wrote: »

I guess it really depends on the reasons why you fell out with your sister. I know she is your family but that doesn't mean you have to put up with crap from them. You are in the process of forming a new family, with a child. That needs to be your priority. You need to provide a stable home for your child the same way your parents did for you. If there is a chance your sister will disrupt that then I can see her reluctance.

If the fallout was related to the bereavement and your sister doesn't bring a lot of baggage then maybe speak to your wife about it and say its important to have a relationship with her.

Its not clear cut as wife Vs sister, only you know whats happened in the past and what might happen again in the future. Your wife may be acting protectively towards you and the baby.

i'll try and explain what happened. it'll make alot of things clearer plus it'll probably divide alot of you on this subject.
when our mom died there was 3 of us. me ,younger bro and sis. plus mom a had home help ,there was also no will. sis automatically thought she'd be entitled to the house. myself and younger bro agreed to give sis a vast majority of the share of the house as she's a slow learner. now how we fell out was this home help became personally involved and turned my sis against all of us incl her now ex B.F. lies and more lies were said. as i said in my opening post it really got nasty and alot of hurtful things were said. i nearly had a nervous breakdown over the whole lot and thats where my wife had to pick up the pieces. for many years my feelings were " she made her bed so she can go lie in it". but when thinking logically part of the reason for this bust up is she was easily led by this home help.
now with my sis after getting in contact again neither my wife nor her family believe my sis has any good intentions. they're all afraid she'll do this all over again. while she has a learning disabilty shes great at playing mind games. shes can play the adult or innocent child when it suits her.
i know she did me alot of wrong but at the end of the day she's basically the only immediate family i have left besides my wife of course whom i adore. just in case some ask of my bro. he's out of the equation.i know this may sound harsh but as far as i'm concerend with him he doesn't exist.

premierlass

That's a tough one alright.

Yes, it is your decision, but I definitely see your wife's point on this. For the time being, I would consider restricting how and where you see your sister, for example, not at your house.

I would say give it some time of phone contact before you decide to meet her. I honestly don't think it can hurt to be cautious.

LegacyUser

From what you describe there is also a possibility your sister may have a personality disorder. Maybe your wife's gut instinct is right, pregnant women usually have very good intuition about what is good for their family or not. This sister might have heard that you were going to have a child and suddenly reappear in your life after all this time with the intent of becoming enmeshed in the child's life. Learning difficulty or not, if she is able to play people, and use her disability as an excuse for selfish behaviour, then there might be a personality disorder involved. Look up NPD.

Kevin Duffy

doubletrouble? wrote: »

i'll try and explain what happened. it'll make alot of things clearer plus it'll probably divide alot of you on this subject.
when our mom died there was 3 of us. me ,younger bro and sis. plus mom a had home help ,there was also no will. sis automatically thought she'd be entitled to the house. myself and younger bro agreed to give sis a vast majority of the share of the house as she's a slow learner. now how we fell out was this home help became personally involved and turned my sis against all of us incl her now ex B.F. lies and more lies were said. as i said in my opening post it really got nasty and alot of hurtful things were said. i nearly had a nervous breakdown over the whole lot and thats where my wife had to pick up the pieces. for many years my feelings were " she made her bed so she can go lie in it". but when thinking logically part of the reason for this bust up is she was easily led by this home help.
now with my sis after getting in contact again neither my wife nor her family believe my sis has any good intentions. they're all afraid she'll do this all over again. while she has a learning disabilty shes great at playing mind games. shes can play the adult or innocent child when it suits her.
i know she did me alot of wrong but at the end of the day she's basically the only immediate family i have left besides my wife of course whom i adore. just in case some ask of my bro. he's out of the equation.i know this may sound harsh but as far as i'm concerend with him he doesn't exist.

Nothing about this would change my mind about what I said earlier in the thread. In fact, given your relationship with your brother, it would strengthen my opinion that you should be making a relationship with your sister and your wife should respect that whether she likes it or not.

metrovelvet

doubletrouble? wrote: »

i'll try and explain what happened. it'll make alot of things clearer plus it'll probably divide alot of you on this subject.
when our mom died there was 3 of us. me ,younger bro and sis. plus mom a had home help ,there was also no will. sis automatically thought she'd be entitled to the house. myself and younger bro agreed to give sis a vast majority of the share of the house as she's a slow learner. now how we fell out was this home help became personally involved and turned my sis against all of us incl her now ex B.F. lies and more lies were said. as i said in my opening post it really got nasty and alot of hurtful things were said. i nearly had a nervous breakdown over the whole lot and thats where my wife had to pick up the pieces. for many years my feelings were " she made her bed so she can go lie in it". but when thinking logically part of the reason for this bust up is she was easily led by this home help.
now with my sis after getting in contact again neither my wife nor her family believe my sis has any good intentions. they're all afraid she'll do this all over again. while she has a learning disabilty shes great at playing mind games. shes can play the adult or innocent child when it suits her.
i know she did me alot of wrong but at the end of the day she's basically the only immediate family i have left besides my wife of course whom i adore. just in case some ask of my bro. he's out of the equation.i know this may sound harsh but as far as i'm concerend with him he doesn't exist.

What exactly did she do wrong to you?

What did your brother do?

Why cant you resolve this?

Nothing you say here changes my mind.

Elle Collins

wasper wrote: »

Your wife has no right to order you from seeing your sister. If she doesn't like it she can always leave the house when your sister visits.

LOL to the advice above! That's just ridiculous - the sister behaves like an out and out kunt and the wife is invited to leave her own home when the sister calls round!! Yeah right!!!

OP, whether you know it or not, you're skating on thin ice here with your wife. I'd probably walk out on a husband who tried to impose his sister on me again after the sort of personal hell she introduced into your wifes life. If your wife does not leave (and from what you've said she most likely won't) she will resent you bitterly for wilfully forcing her to deal with your sisters toxic influence in your lives again.

Family are all well and good until they are causing nervous bloody breakdowns! I really don't think you have a full awareness of how you are damaging your marriage irreparably here, and I think you need to realise that and think about it.

Kevin Duffy

Elle Collins wrote: »

LOL to the advice above! That's just ridiculous - the sister behaves like an out and out kunt and the wife is invited to leave her own home when the sister calls round!! Yeah right!!!

OP, whether you know it or not, you're skating on thin ice here with your wife. I'd probably walk out on a husband who tried to impose his sister on me again after the sort of personal hell she introduced into your wifes life. If your wife does not leave (and from what you've said she most likely won't) she will resent you bitterly for wilfully forcing her to deal with your sisters toxic influence in your lives again.

Family are all well and good until they are causing nervous bloody breakdowns! I really don't think you have a full awareness of how you are damaging your marriage irreparably here, and I think you need to realise that and think about it.

What in the OP's postings do you base this hysterical hyperbole on?

metrovelvet

Elle Collins wrote: »

LOL to the advice above! That's just ridiculous - the sister behaves like an out and out kunt and the wife is invited to leave her own home when the sister calls round!! Yeah right!!!

OP, whether you know it or not, you're skating on thin ice here with your wife. I'd probably walk out on a husband who tried to impose his sister on me again after the sort of personal hell she introduced into your wifes life. If your wife does not leave (and from what you've said she most likely won't) she will resent you bitterly for wilfully forcing her to deal with your sisters toxic influence in your lives again.

Family are all well and good until they are causing nervous bloody breakdowns! I really don't think you have a full awareness of how you are damaging your marriage irreparably here, and I think you need to realise that and think about it.

A marriage in which either or both of the parties do not know how to forgive is on pretty thin ice anyway.

greengirl31

Family rifts are always difficult ... And I know I can say anything I want about any of them but God help anyone else I hear badmouthing any of them :-)

From what you say your wife has every reason to be concerned and not want your sister back in your life. This is a happy time for you and your family and she obviously doesn't want your sister to ruin this. That said, I don't think ultimatums are the way to go in any situation.

You say your sister is good at the mind games so I'd be very wary of this ... I know she may be special needs but from the sounds of things she plays to this when she wants to. I know there was a 3rd party involved at the time but things were said that can't be unsaid and you said yourself you nearly had a nervous breakdown.

If I were you, I'd have a long chat with your wife about why you want to re-build your relationship with your sister. Don't be confrontational and LISTEN to why she's so against it ... She is your wife and she's about to have your child so she's your immediate family now and she's the one you should be most concerned.

If you do decide to have some form of contact, I'd keep it to the minimum. Chat on the phone, exchange emails. I know life's too short to carry grudges but once bitten twice shy ...

Also, and it may not be relevant, but why are you so willing to forgive your sister but your brother is dead to you. In my experience, that type of attitude is never good for you.

Good luck though, to you and your family ...

sambuka41

doubletrouble? wrote: »

i nearly had a nervous breakdown over the whole lot and thats where my wife had to pick up the pieces. for many years my feelings were " she made her bed so she can go lie in it". but when thinking logically part of the reason for this bust up is she was easily led by this home help.

It does sound like an awful situation, but don't be so quick to blame it all on the home help. Do yo think that maybe the fact that your wife is pregnant and your about to start your own family, that you are thinking about your sister more? Would you still be so forgiving if you weren't about to have a baby?

As greengirl31 said, I'd go slow. talk to your wife firstly about it all. I can understand how she would be concerned about the possibility of this happening again. She is not being unreasonable in what shes said, she sounds scared. She will needyou for the next couple of months and first year of baby's life more than ever, and she is probably afraid that if your sister is back on the scene that she won't be able to look after you and a baby. (not being harsh, you said yourself it got very bad last time)Family are capable of hurting us FAR more than friends, so thread very carefully.

Think of your child and what you want to expose them to. If your sister is capable of being a positive influence in their lives then by all means get back in touch, just because she is technically the aunt doesn't mean she HAS to be in his/her life. If she is not going to help or be positive then cut her out. Basically there is more than you or your wife to be considered here.

Good Luck

flutterflye

Oh, I've just read this thread again.
I didn't notice before that your wife is pregnant at the moment.

Do you think that the pregnancy is impacting her irrational demands?

Pregnant women can be so full of emotions, and can behave somewhat unreasonably due to their worries, fears, or just general hormonal fluctuations.

To be honest, in my opinion your baby is the most important thing here.
I don't think you should cause your wife any undue stress at the moment as it could cause problems for the baby.

Your wife's demands are completely unreasonable, but if you cannot get this through to her calmly, maybe leave it alone for a while.

She seems okay with telephone contact, so maybe just try and just maintain contact this way for the time being.

It is not fair at all, and not a nice position to be in, but that baby is the priority here, and if you have to put up with your wife controlling your relationship with your sister for a while, then so be it.

Can you put your feelings down into words maybe?
As in write your wife a letter thanking her for being there for you, reassuring her that you are here for her and that you will make sure you don't fall apart again if things go wrong with your sister.
Just expressing your feelings, without blaming her or making her out to be 'bad'.
And say that you are writing to her to ask one final time, that she consider supporting your desire to reconcile with your sister.
Saying at the end that her and the baby are your priority, so if after reading your letter, she still feels the same way, then you won't mention the matter again, or even think about it again, until after the baby is born.

Just an idea.
If you feel that given her such a letter would in itself cause alot of stress and friction, then best to just leave it.

Elle Collins

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

What in the OP's postings do you base this hysterical hyperbole on?

There is no "hysterical hyperbole" in my post. FYI I am basing my opinion on the position of the OP's wife:

"i nearly had a nervous breakdown over the whole lot and thats where my wife had to pick up the pieces."

Elle Collins

metrovelvet wrote: »

A marriage in which either or both of the parties do not know how to forgive is on pretty thin ice anyway.

Very true.

I think forgiveness for a mistake is one thing though, most of us are inclined to forgive in those circumstances. Forgiveness for a decision made despite our having begged and pleaded against it, I think that is another thing.

I guess it boils down to how much crap a person is prepared to be put through. From what the OP describes there's no way I'd be forced back to deal with round two and a man who tried to force me to, with emotional blackmail or whatever else, would be putting our relationship on thin ice, and I wouldn't hang around for a man who thought so little of our relationship or my mental health. The quickest way to put an end to any relationship is to prioritise your partner last.

metrovelvet

Yes but who is doing the emotional blackmail here? Who is putting their partner last? Isnt saying 'have anything to do with your sister and I'll leave you" falling into both those categories?

It's common knowledge that the most stressfull events in life are 1. divorce 2. bereavement 3. moving home, in that order.

It is quite forgiveable to go off the rails in either circumstance.

The OP pointed directly to the loss of their mother as the context for this. He didnt say this happenned before this event and now this girl wants to make ammends. She is devious and says horrible things?

Well...if I had a dime....

Sure his wife doesnt want to pick up the pieces. No one does, but that's life..that is what you do for friends and family when they take a leap and fall off a cliff.

It is up to OP to set his boundaries with his sister and to protect himself. A lot of people dont like their inlaws but they deal with it for th sake of the whole family.

Kevin Duffy

Elle Collins wrote: »

There is no "hysterical hyperbole" in my post. FYI I am basing my opinion on the position of the OP's wife:

"i nearly had a nervous breakdown over the whole lot and thats where my wife had to pick up the pieces."

I beg to differ in the hystercial hyperbole - you used 8 very strong phrases in three short paragraphs, including calling his sister abusive names and predicting irreperable damage to his marriage and I think you're doing the OP a gross disservice with it. He's trying to make a difficult decision and looking for advice, not people cranking up the pressure.

Calhoun

Elle Collins wrote: »

Very true.

I think forgiveness for a mistake is one thing though, most of us are inclined to forgive in those circumstances. Forgiveness for a decision made despite our having begged and pleaded against it, I think that is another thing.

I guess it boils down to how much crap a person is prepared to be put through. From what the OP describes there's no way I'd be forced back to deal with round two and a man who tried to force me to, with emotional blackmail or whatever else, would be putting our relationship on thin ice, and I wouldn't hang around for a man who thought so little of our relationship or my mental health. The quickest way to put an end to any relationship is to prioritise your partner last.

Couldn't agree more and have gone through exactly this experience with my own parents, family issues amongst siblings and my dad's own family were put last. It had a lasting effect which eventually led to them splitting up.

I would thread carefully if i was the OP, i dont buy the argument that shes family as he has his own now which is priority.

Ickle Magoo

Elle Collins infracted for inappropriate language.

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner.

If you have an issue with a post or poster, please use the report function rather than dragging the thread off-topic.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

Elle Collins

metrovelvet wrote: »

Yes but who is doing the emotional blackmail here? Who is putting their partner last? Isnt saying 'have anything to do with your sister and I'll leave you" falling into both those categories?

I see where you're coming from here, but I'm coming to my conclusions based on the assumption (I may be wrong) that the OP's wife is a reasonable person who was driven to her wits end by the behaviour of her SIL. People are continually saying here that the wife's demand is unreasonable, but sometimes when the behaviour you've been presented with is off-the-scale in its unreasonable nature the only fitting response is an unreasonable one to match.

Saying you never want your partner to have any dealings with a family member again is an extremely strong position to take, not one I have ever considered in my life, and I can only imagine a woman would take that line if she had been mentally traumatised by her SIL's behaviour. From what the OP has described I don't have trouble believing that she was. In my view, she has a right to insist that she never be exposed to that again, and she has a right to expect her husband will respect that. In fact she has a right to expect that her husband would make efforts to block that ever happening again, with no prompting from her.

I think in the wife's shoes I would insist that the sister never be brought anywhere near me, as opposed to being shut out of the husbands life altogether. Perhaps the OP could work with his wife on a compromise of that sort. I would not blame his wife though if she found that option unworkable given that it was the SIL's treatment of her husband that caused all the hassle to begin with.

Elle Collins

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

I beg to differ in the hystercial hyperbole - you used 8 very strong phrases in three short paragraphs, including calling his sister abusive names and predicting irreperable damage to his marriage and I think you're doing the OP a gross disservice with it. He's trying to make a difficult decision and looking for advice, not people cranking up the pressure.

Maybe we have different ideas about what constitutes very strong phrases. Also, I don't think there has been nearly enough imput here that points out the need for the OP to consider his marriage in all this.

premierlass

There is dissention following a bereavement. That can be got past. There are also people in families who you must cut off or hold at arms length so you can prevent you and your own family being caught up in and perpetrating toxic behaviours. As the saying goes, past is prologue, and the only way to distinguish toxic from troubled-yet-remorseful is to be very cautious and be prepared (and demonstrate that you are prepared) to cut off communication again.

Phone calls, email and (possibly) the occasional visit outside the house sound like a good compromise. Importantly, they also show you are prepared to protect your family. Time is the only thing that will sort the question. If your sister is a manipulator, she will eventually show her true colours. If not, she will prove herself to be genuine.

Kevin Duffy wrote:

hysterical hyperbole

I completely disagree with this. Everyone is drawing their own interpretation from the OP, I disagree that Elle Collins posts have been any different in this repect.