Me. Him. His ex. 3 in relationship??

LegacyUser

This is going to sound like so many other threads here but I need advice.

I'm 26. My bf is 28. His ex is 26.

My bf and I are going out 2 years.

He and his ex were together about 4 years.

She is from the UK and met him when she was on a trip to Ireland. She moved to Ireland to be with him.

She is an extremely high maintenance girl. (I'm not badmouthing her, I'm being as neutral as possible here). She is very loud and likes attention a lot. The first time I met her she jumped on a table in a quiet bar singing, and later the same night flashed her boobs at randomers while queuing for a nightclub.

He's a very quiet guy, extremely laid back and calm guy, never panics or gets excited about anything.

My bf broke up with her because he got fed up with how high maintenance she was, she would keep texting him until he answered and he couldn't take calls while working, so she kept falling out with him over this. He ended the relationship twice but she told him she would change. She didn't.
He then stopped calling her and cheated with another girl. He told his ex he was cheating, I think he was using this to end the relationship, but she was willing to work past it. He told her in no uncertain terms it was over but she wanted friendship. She couldn't handle not being with him so she moved back home to the UK.

I was friends with him for severals years and knew about this at the time, he told me the details, we weren't planning to get together later. He was young at the time, he had never had another girlfriend, and I found her to be incredibly hard work to be around so I sympathised with him. I do not believe he is a cheater by nature, he was deeply unhappy and the relationship was long over to him when she finally got the message.

Time passed, he and I went travelling as part of a group to Australia, fell for each other, got together. Returned to Ireland. All has been good.

He lives at home due to working in the family business which is based in their home. There are several spare rooms in his home, his parents are old-fashioned and don't approve of bed sharing, which I fully respect.

Where possible my bf comes and stays at mine but that's quite a bit away so we stay at his a lot, in separate rooms.

Four months ago, his ex returned to Ireland. She had no-one to come for except her friendship with him. She had occasionally texted him over the time we've been together and we discussed it. He felt he had no reason to fight with her, she had been a part of their group for years, he had done the bad deed, she hadn't done any wrong, so he seemed to be happy enough to be friends. I had no issue with this, I have no right to tell him who he can be friends with. He told me he had zero romantic interest in her but told me he didn't know how she felt as she can be very full on, but it didn't matter as he wasn't interested.

His ex quickly realised that moving back to rural Ireland with no money was more difficult than she planned. She couldn't afford a deposit on a flat. So she moved into my bf's homeplace. His whole family love her and had no issue, she took one of the spare bedrooms until she had money together to pay a deposit. He saw nothing wrong with it as they're simply friends now.

I felt awkward visiting him during those two months, almost like a stranger in his home as she was taking the place over, all of her stuff everywhere, cooking all meals for my bf, etc. He paid no heed as he was busy working.

My friends thought this was insane, I felt insane going away working for the week and leaving him sitting there with his ex watching TV. But I guess that's just my insecurity.

It all began to get to me when I realised how 'at home' she was in the house.

The bedroom she was staying in was all the way down the hall from the shower and on two separate occasions I happened to pass her in the hallway as she walked naked from the bathroom to the bedroom, while adjusting the towel on her head.
Now he lives in the house with his parents and young brother. His brother was in the house at the time, she knew I was there, and she didn't bat an eye as I walked right past her. Later, as I returned down the hall I couldn't help but notice her bedroom door wide open as she stood there naked, picking out what she'd wear (She previously modelled very revealing clothing for my bf and I while we tried to watch TV).

I mentioned this to my bf, I was not happy at the thought of her daily showers involving her walking around naked in front of him, and he told me she was always just very confident in her body and sees nothing with nudity, that it's just the way she is. I asked if she's been walking around in front of him but he said he hadn't noticed her do that.

On the second occasion she roughly pulled a towel around herself when my bf's dad came in, he was extremely embarrassed, didn't know where to look, he's an elderly man and very old fashioned. She barely covered herself even when she used the towel. I felt she was enjoying revealing her body.

This is just one incident.

Even if she wasn't my bf's ex, she is not someone I would be friends with as I'm a quiet person and she is just non-stop talking, my bf described her as 'headwrecking' to be in a relationship with and I don't doubt that for a moment.

She eventually found her own place and I was delighted thinking things would be back to normal.

But STILL she is always visiting him when I am not there.

They did not know I would be visiting on Friday evening, I popped up to surprise my bf but I came into the kitchen to find her preparing the most amazing meal, she'd put hours into it, and there she was getting to serve him.

She was discussing something private with him when I entered and I found it really uncomfortable. She was perfectly normal and friendly with me, she offered me some food but I felt ill, I couldn't eat. He sees nothing wrong with it again. I am now on the verge of ending things but I need unbiased opinions.

Is this something I need to get over? Are they genuinely just friends now??

I can probably add far more detail but it'll make this too long.

She is always there if we socialise with his friends. She texts him several times daily just to chat. She calls him if he doesn't quickly reply. He has no problem with this though. He says he would never be in a relationship with her again but she's fine as a friend. He's the kind of guy who wouldn't argue or dislike anyone. She texts him asking how his day was (he's shown me this) and general chit-chat.

She probably sees him more than I do.

She gave him a camera worth 800 euro as a birthday present. It was her old camera, and she gave it as a thank you for the accommodation, but I felt that surely she could have sold her camera and used the money to get a flat sooner. I didn't comment, but it just showed up my shabby little 100 euro birthday gift.

She refers to him as 'my boy' in front of me, him, all of our friends.. One mutual friend told me it's just a figure of speech, but I feel like she's rubbing it in my face.

She's stayed there overnight several times since getting a flat when she's been socialising with him, nights I wasn't there. Now, there is no bed sharing if his parents are there, but they have been away on occasion so who knows what happened..

I just don't know what to think. I don't want to lay down rules of who he can and can't talk to. His mother told me the girl he cheated with dumped him because the ex kept calling and texting him and she couldn't handle it.

Is it me overreacting, being jealous? How would others feel about this?

Thanks.

IrishEyes19

well first of all I think you should reconsider your thoughts "he's not a cheater by nature," you do it once, you do it again in many cases." Not all of course :rolleyes:

Secondly "she's very comfortable with her body," is not a viable excuse for an ex girlfriend to walking around his apartment naked. :rolleyes: Dear god girl, stop pointing fingers at the ex and take in the whole picture. It takes two to tango. If the guy is so commited, he should be ending this silliness with this girl and telling her where to go. Please open your eyes and see he is blame too just as much as she is.

He sounds like a headwrecker, probably loves the attention from two women and you sound decent. get out now.

LegacyUser

Just to be clear, on both of these occasions where I witnessed the nude walking, he was not even there, he was working. And it's not even his apartment, it's his family home, where his family live!

She seems to be a huge attention seeker, and I know people will try and say that it's not all her here, but she's definitely the bigger part of it.

I just feel so disappointed having to end what was a wonderful relationship before she moved back to Ireland.

I know if I put my foot down and say "Ban her from your life", he will, but I guess I just didn't feel I had reason to do stop my bf having 'friends' up to now, what I'm mostly wondering is where is the line with a friend.

Are there people out there who can have a great close relationship with an ex without the past coming into it, without someone harbouring feelings? I don't believe there is, and I feel his ex is still madly in love with him, but if he doesn't feel the same, does this make it okay?

It's hard to explain his actions in this without knowing the guy in question, but I honestly believe deep down that she could jump on him (and she probably would) and he'd push her away, but it still disturbs me all the same.

I'm planning to end it with him this week, but it's breaking my heart to have to do that after happy times. We were planning to get married next summer, all going well in between.

dixiefly

WOW.

Your boyfriend either craves attention or is extremely naive to expect that not to effect you. I think that you do need to give him an ultimatum that he must cut ties completely with her. There seems to be no half measures with her. Of course she is trying t undermine you and try to show herself in a good light - like offering you some of the meal she cooked on HER terms.

I cannot believe he took her back in like that. I am not sure how strongly you have voiced your problems with her being around so much but you need to spell it out clearly and give him the opportunity to put you first and not leave you wondering all of the time.

Make it clear that you are not happy with this and that you are prepared to walk if it continues.

Esoteric_

Seriously what are you doing still with him? She walks around naked, LIVED with him, texts him every day, calls him constantly, socialises with him all the time, sees him more than you do, calls him her boy (and he ALLOWS it!), and STILL stays over in his house despite having her own place!

Open your eyes, girl. NOBODY is that stupid and blind. He's allowing her to do all of these things and he obviously has no respect for you or your relationship.

LegacyUser

dixiefly wrote: »

WOW.

Your boyfriend either craves attention or is extremely naive to expect that not to effect you. I think that you do need to give him an ultimatum that he must cut ties completely with her. There seems to be no half measures with her. Of course she is trying t undermine you and try to show herself in a good light - like offering you some of the meal she cooked on HER terms.

I cannot believe he took her back in like that. I am not sure how strongly you have voiced your problems with her being around so much but you need to spell it out clearly and give him the opportunity to put you first and not leave you wondering all of the time.

Make it clear that you are not happy with this and that you are prepared to walk if it continues.

To be honest, I probably haven't voiced much, because I didn't want to be THAT woman who controls their man and tells them who they can and can't talk to, but it's not really looking like I have much choice, is it?

I hate confrontations and fighting, I guess I was hoping now that she's not living in his house that she would be less a part of his life, I did discuss that with him lightly, and he agreed she needed to find her own life and leave him alone. Like me, he isn't one for confrontations, but I know he didn't see anything wrong with her cooking a dinner for him, he sees things in a very simple light, 'I'm hungry. A friend cooks food. I eat food'. That's all he will see in what happened, where I read into it, I think this woman is trying to 'win' him back by cooking her way to his heart. She pretends to embrace the country housewife life, the farmer's wife role, always making jokes about that as she grew up in a UK city environment, and her 'cute' flirty ways win over everyone else. My bf's parents invited her to stay at their home, it wasn't my bf's doing, he told me about it at the time and admitted it wasn't ideal, but more because he didn't want her around wrecking his head all of the time, rather than seeing how I may be affected.

I'm more than prepared to walk. Honestly, I'm wondering if maybe it's even too late. While I don't know that he's done anything other than have a clingy ex, it's really got to me and cast a dark cloud on our relationship, in my mind. He thinks everything is fine.

booboo88

i couldnt be this calm, shes strolling around in the nip?????????? but she knew full well to wrap a towel around her when his dad walked in?
i think she knows and your bf knows what shes doing, an ex is an ex for a reason, why move back to ireland? and more importantly why does your boyfriend offer his place to stay? im sorry op but its time to wake up

you deserve sooo much better, than to feel like a third wheel in your own relationship

Miss Fluff

faye454 wrote: »

Four months ago, his ex returned to Ireland. She had no-one to come for except her friendship with him.

:eek: I smell a rat here. She can't have upped her life, moved countries and moved in with him without quite a bit of encouragement from your BF. I'd be giving ultimatums if I were you although tbh you mightn't like which road he chooses to travel. I don't believe he cheated yet "isn't the cheating type". The whole thing just stinks.

And as for this:

I asked if she's been walking around in front of him but he said he hadn't noticed her do that.

Really? Hadn't "noticed"?:rolleyes: I very much doubt that...

ManOfMystery

The problem here is not the girl - it's your BF.

He's showing a complete disregard for your relationship by allowing himself to be put in compromising situations with his ex. You can say he's too calm, too easygoing, whatever - that wouldn't fly with me. There comes a point when he really should draw a line in the sand, say to himself "I am in a relationship, and I cannot have my ex living with me or walking around naked". It is TOTALLY inappropriate. I have a gf and wouldn't consider for one minute having an ex living with me, or texting me all day long, or any of the other things this girl gets up to - I would have enough respect for my gf to make sure an ex is made aware that she's crossing a line.

As said, he's either attention seeking or else he seriously needs to grow a set and tell his ex to wise up.

Either way, your bf's complacency is going to ruin your relationship.

LegacyUser

She moved back to Ireland completely of her own doing, her own choice, and my bf agreed at that time that he was the only connection she had to the place, she had made friends while she was here but not very close ones, she knew he was in a relationship, etc, and the reason I know there was no communication is we were both in Australia again for a few months running up to the date before she arrived (we were sharing one phone, we did the outback, there was no communication), she arranged her own arrival and was in direct contact with his parents who see no bad in her at all, they are very old fashioned sweet country people and were delighted to see her come back as she's so helpful around the house. That hurt me also, but that's another story.

Kevin Duffy

I'd to read that twice and I'm still not sure what the hell your bf and his family are thinking. If one of my exes arrived from England and my family took them in, I'd be giving it...ooohhh....about an hour before I'd be saying what are ye at??

In this situation, you hardly think they found her wandering with nowhere to go, no? She knocked on the door, gave a sob story and asked could she stay there, yes? Hats off to her, she has a plan and the neck to match it.

I'd suggest you have a word with him to tell him and his family this is just not on. If they don't like it, don't hang around, none of them have any respect for you. I know you don't want to be controlling or to be seen that way, but this is way beyond the boundaries of normal friendship.

LegacyUser

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

I'd to read that twice and I'm still not sure what the hell your bf and his family are thinking. If one of my exes arrived from England and my family took them in, I'd be giving it...ooohhh....about an hour before I'd be saying what are ye at??

In this situation, you hardly think they found her wandering with nowhere to go, no? She knocked on the door, gave a sob story and asked could she stay there, yes? Hats off to her, she has a plan and the neck to match it.

I'd suggest you have a word with him to tell him and his family this is just not on. If they don't like it, don't hang around, none of them have any respect for you. I know you don't want to be controlling or to be seen that way, but this is way beyond the boundaries of normal friendship.

She gave a sob story about her family in the UK not loving her, about his family being the best parents she ever had, etc. They welcomed her with open arms in the best Christianly way they could (they're very devout Catholics). Whatever about talking to my probably-ex boyfriend, I have no right to tell his parents who they can or can't have in their home.

I feel this is beyond the boundaries of normal friendship also, I was just curious if others would agree or if I was overreacting, as so many people here protest that it is fine for exes to be friends.

I've chosen not to continue contact with my exes, I have no interest in them now and don't want to be friends, so this situation is a first for me.

Thanks.

Zebra3

You've been incredibly patient.

Tell him to get rid of her and never speak to her again or you're gone for good.

You say you're quiet and not into confrontations, well, for you're own good you're gonna have to be in this case or you're gonna be walked on for the rest of this relationship.

hewlett

faye454 wrote: »

Just to be clear, on both of these occasions where I witnessed the nude walking, he was not even there, he was working. And it's not even his apartment, it's his family home, where his family live!

She seems to be a huge attention seeker, and I know people will try and say that it's not all her here, but she's definitely the bigger part of it.

I just feel so disappointed having to end what was a wonderful relationship before she moved back to Ireland.

I know if I put my foot down and say "Ban her from your life", he will, but I guess I just didn't feel I had reason to do stop my bf having 'friends' up to now, what I'm mostly wondering is where is the line with a friend.

Are there people out there who can have a great close relationship with an ex without the past coming into it, without someone harbouring feelings? I don't believe there is, and I feel his ex is still madly in love with him, but if he doesn't feel the same, does this make it okay?

It's hard to explain his actions in this without knowing the guy in question, but I honestly believe deep down that she could jump on him (and she probably would) and he'd push her away, but it still disturbs me all the same.

I'm planning to end it with him this week, but it's breaking my heart to have to do that after happy times. We were planning to get married next summer, all going well in between.

If you believe that he will "Ban her" from his life if you tell him to, then tell him to.

Instead you are planning to end this week. This guy doesn't sound like a great catch to me but you had a happy relationship with him up until the return of this girl, so he must have something going for him.

It seems to me that you are not being honest with him with regard to how upsetting this is for you. Tell him the truth, it's either you or her (and don't accept half measures).

If he cuts her off, you can hopefully get back to the way it was. If not, well maybe he's not the guy you thought he was but at least you will know and won't be left wondering about the 'what ifs'.

Give him the ultimatum, you and your relationship deserve it.

Elle Collins

OP, you are being treated llike an irrelevence in your partners life by both your partner AND his parents, regardless whether you want to accept that or not. I think it's time you asked yourself why you are tolerating this level of contempt for yourself.

Personally I wouldn't hang around for that and if you do you can expect more of the same. In my experience of life, if a person is considered an irrelevence by another person or group of people that is not expressed in one way: it goes on to be expressed in a variety of ways - and the person on the receiving end has nobody to blame but themselves as they accepted that treatment in the first place, as you are doing now.

Personally speaking I think the way you are being treated is a disgrace, but please just remember that we teach people how to treat us and we do that usually by non-verbal cues about what we're prepared to accept.

I am a friend

Well, I used to go out with a foreign guy and stayed with his mother for a while til I found a place. I would still talk to her a lot and we exchange birthday presents. We are very close, aside from him, and I know she thinks the world of me… I don’t consider that my relationship with her would impact on any new relationship as she is now my friend and I would actually consider her family…

I do think the ex has a plan, I also think the BF is pretending to be innocent but at the end of the day the parents can like who they want….

The fault here is with the BF and there is no point blaming the ex. He needs to sort this, not her…

Elle Collins

I am a friend wrote: »

I do think the ex has a plan, I also think the BF is pretending to be innocent but at the end of the day the parents can like who they want….

Even when she's walking around their house butt naked?

My eldest is heading for his twenties and I can tell you there's no way I'd put any girl he was going out with through the disrespect of having to tolerate an ex of his walking around my house in her nip! :eek:

I am a friend

Elle Collins wrote: »

Even when she's walking around their house butt naked?

My eldest is heading for his twenties and I can tell you there's no way I'd put any girl he was going out with through the disrespect of having to tolerate an ex of his walking around my house in her nip! :eek:

Yep and you have a different mindset to his parents. They obviously dont know she walks around naked as she covers herself when she sees them...

Elle Collins

I am a friend wrote: »

Yep and you have a different mindset to his parents. They obviously dont know she walks around naked as she covers herself when she sees them...

You must have missed the bit about his dad walking in on her in the nip, her having to pull the towel around her and him looking obviously mortified.

I am a friend

Elle Collins wrote: »

You must have missed the bit about his dad walking in on her in the nip, her having to pull the towel around her and him looking obviously mortified.

No I read it and took from it that she covered up.

Elle Collins

I am a friend wrote: »

No I read it and took from it that she covered up.

Would you say either situation is something the OP should be comfortable with?

I am a friend

Elle Collins wrote: »

Would you say either situation is something the OP should be comfortable with?

You are going off on a tangent here... We were talking about his family.

tbh

Hi OP - the situation is completely unacceptable and I'm surprised your boyfriend expects you to put up with it. I honestly think you shouldn't try to change either the boyfriend or his ex - if I were you, I'd give a simple ultimatum - "I'm not prepared to put up with this any longer, unless she moves out and you start treating me with respect, we're done".
I think, unfortunately, that you should be prepared for the worst on this - your boyfriend either likes having the ex around, or he's very insensitive or spineless. I just can't believe that someone who genuinely loves someone would expect them to tolerate that kind of crap. Good luck.

Elle Collins

I am a friend wrote: »

You are going off on a tangent here... We were talking about his family.

A tangent? I know we were talking about his family. I would not be comfortable to have an ex of my partners walking in the nip around his mothers house and I don't know many women who would! I don't get what's not to understand here.

LittleBook

Whatever about how appropriate her staying there was and how she conducted herself there, she's left the parent's house.

These are your problems:

faye454 wrote: »

she is always visiting him when I am not there.
[she] prepared the most amazing meal, she'd put hours into it, and there she was getting to serve him.
She was discussing something private with him when I entered and I found it really uncomfortable.
She is always there if we socialise with his friends.
She texts him several times daily just to chat.
She calls him if he doesn't quickly reply.
She texts him asking how his day was (he's shown me this) and general chit-chat.
She probably sees him more than I do.
She gave him a camera worth 800 euro as a birthday present.
She refers to him as 'my boy' in front of me, him, all of our friends.
She's stayed there overnight several times since getting a flat when she's been socialising with him, nights I wasn't there

One or two of these things on it's own (apart from the staying at his place) wouldn't be too bad but the whole lot combined AND the little sleepovers is ridiculous. There is no way I'd put up with that.

Having said that, small things like this can build up and up and up and it's only when you look at them like this (hindsight is a wonderful thing) you can see it for how inappropriate it is.

You haven't really pulled him up on any of this because you've been so afraid of being "THAT woman".

So, sit down, tell him exactly how you feel, make a list if you want. If he still can't see what's going on, then you can call it a day.

LegacyUser

LittleBook wrote: »

Whatever about how appropriate her staying there was and how she conducted herself there, she's left the parent's house.

These are your problems:



One or two of these things on it's own (apart from the staying at his place) wouldn't be too bad but the whole lot combined AND the little sleepovers is ridiculous. There is no way I'd put up with that.

Having said that, small things like this can build up and up and up and it's only when you look at them like this (hindsight is a wonderful thing) you can see it for how inappropriate it is.

You haven't really pulled him up on any of this because you've been so afraid of being "THAT woman".

So, sit down, tell him exactly how you feel, make a list if you want. If he still can't see what's going on, then you can call it a day.

Thanks to you all for your replies.

I think the above makes most sense to me.

She is gone from his parents house so there's little I can do about that now. 90% of her still visiting the home is because the parents invite her over, they are extremely over-protective of their kids and like food to be provided for him while he works so he doesn't have to leave the shop to make dinner and close up while he eats. I've seen her repeatedly volunteer herself to cook for him (to his parents) and next day she arrives with all of the food without warning and starts cooking.
His parents see this as fantastic, so helpful, and have commented how lovely it is that everyone gets along, they see zero reason why exes should be cut off I guess, and never suspect her of being troublesome. She's the poor girl away from her own country with no family or friends other than them.

She only works a couple of hours a week at night so she's free while I'm working. Of course my bf is totally capable of fending for himself and I'm not saying he's innocent in all of this, but I've seen the above arranged behind his back, without him knowing a thing, many times.

He doesn't always reply to her texts. He rarely answers her calls as he doesn't take calls while working, and she bombards him, while I have been there she has arrived at the shop to see why he hasn't answered her, and she'll ask right in front of me.

And while I haven't spoken to him much about this, he has promised me that he would NEVER get with her again under any circumstances. That's what's confusing me. So many similar threads here have come up with the conclusion that exes can be friends if there is no chance of something happening, and all parties are expected to live happily with that, but I'm finding it more than difficult.

I think she was trying her best to wind me up with the naked walking around thing. Same goes for the night she was flashing her boobs. She has a nice figure, she's size zero where I'm a size 12, and she seems to be extremely competitive on that front, always mentioning buying tiny new bikinis. I'm not the kind of girl that goes around showing off loads of skin, I'm happy in my figure as I am, I don't like short skirts and boob tubes but she'll start talking about how all girls should dress like that when I'm around, trying to get me to comment.

Another reason he didn't want to be in a relationship with her was she had an eating disorder but seemed to crave the attention from talking about it, and telling anyone who would listen to get attention.

I expect everyone will say I'm placing all of the blame on her here, I'm not, but I know my bf and I know what I've seen first hand and she is definitely doing the majority of the running here.

He probably could be described as a bit insensitive at times, he's 100% a man's man and not one for drama or hassle. I often have had to explain things to him from a woman's POV in the past.

LegacyUser

The problem isn't who to blame it is the fact that you are going to break up with him without really telling him you have an issue with all of this.
If it is such a great relationship fight for it. She obviously wants you to walk away and that is just what you are planning to do...so she'll be delighted

Taltos

OP - your BF is enabling this behaviour.
That makes him just as guilty as her.

He might have no intentions - but if that is the case - then he is using this girl. Stringing her alone with the hope that someday you will be gone and they can all play happy families.

That is wrong in so many ways.

He can simply end all this - all he has to do is when he comes home to the meal - just leave - head out to you or elsewhere. And that is just the start.

Maybe she is lonely - but to be blunt - she chose to leave home. She chose to involve herself in the family of an EX. He and his family are permitting this. Someone needs to stop it.

To me the way he has been using her or disrespecting you is a deal-breaker. I migbt be prepared to give one more chance - but if this is a sign of his respect for other people - well I wouldn't be hanging around too much longer...

Esoteric_

One of my boyfriend's "best friends" was doing similar to what you've described, although not nearly to the extent that your bf's ex has been. My bf's friend (I'll call her Sarah) would flirt with him in front of me, talk about all the slutty clothes she'd bought, ALWAYS try to out-dress me (like one night we had a party, she asked was it casual or dressy, we told her that we were all in t-shirts and jeans, she arrives in a TINY miniskirt and really low cut top and heels), commented on how much smaller than me she was (she's an 8, I'm a 14), told him all about the porn she loves, called me a freak for telling her not to be talking to my boyfriend about porn, called me a freak for lots of different things, told him to dump me, told him I was weird because I wanted a few hours to myself when I was at home one night, and that SHE'D never do that, basically all the kind of things your bf's ex is saying around you. She would also arrive unannounced at his house, expect to stay over, cuddle him, that sort of thing.

This isn't nearly as bad as what your bf's ex is doing, but I got sick of this behaviour and the way my boyfriend just accepted it, knowing it upset me. Eventually, he called her out on it because I told him that if he didn't call her out on it and at least try to sort it out so that we could all get along, he'd have to choose between us. In the end, she cut contact with him because she couldn't deal with the fact that he called her out on her ****.

This girl is clearly desperate and extremely insecure. Her true colours will become clear to your boyfriend in time but you should not have to sit back and wait for it to happen. I'm not one for ultimatums, but you kind of have to give him one at this stage. She's undermining you and your relationship and trying to make you look bad. Your boyfriend won't have picked up on sly comments and such (let's face it, only us girls pick up on those bitchy comments disguised as chit-chat that other girls do), but he has to listen to you and believe you if you two are going to last.

premierlass

faye454 wrote: »

She is gone from his parents house so there's little I can do about that now. 90% of her still visiting the home is because the parents invite her over, they are extremely over-protective of their kids and like food to be provided for him while he works so he doesn't have to leave the shop to make dinner and close up while he eats. I've seen her repeatedly volunteer herself to cook for him (to his parents) and next day she arrives with all of the food without warning and starts cooking.
His parents see this as fantastic, so helpful, and have commented how lovely it is that everyone gets along, they see zero reason why exes should be cut off I guess, and never suspect her of being troublesome. She's the poor girl away from her own country with no family or friends other than them.

She only works a couple of hours a week at night so she's free while I'm working. Of course my bf is totally capable of fending for himself and I'm not saying he's innocent in all of this, but I've seen the above arranged behind his back, without him knowing a thing, many times.

This is your boyfriend's responsibility. He has to tell his parents that if they want to spend time with his ex, they do it on their own time and don't involve him. This is something you can ask him to do straight out, and I think if he doesn't, and doesn't stand firm on it, you will know where you stand.

The fact is, everyone isn't getting along. The ex is covertly (and sometimes overtly) aggressive towards you, the parents are helping this, the boyfriend, at best, is doing nothing to stop it because it suits him in some way (i.e. her makiing dinner for him makes his life easier, maybe he likes the attention). She spends almost as much time with him as you do? That's nonsense. If her behaviour was bad enough to break up with her, how can he rationalise spending time with her? It's time for him to cut the cord and prove himself. This is causing you stress; that should be enough.

LegacyUser

You are making far too many excuses for your boyfriend here. What it comes down to is this: if he loves you and respects you, he will understand that having his ex-girlfriend around regularly is hurtful to you, and is making you uncomfortable. And he should be doing anything in his power to avoid that.

If that means explaining to his parents that he doesn't want them to contact her anymore, or pander to her stories, so be it. It doesn't matter how religious or Good Samaritan-like they are. He needs to man the hell up and put his foot down. He's a grown man, for God's sake! I would be absolutely furious if I was in your situation. I think I'd actually say it to the ex too - who the hell does she think she is, walking naked around a house that is not her own?

I find the whole thing very, very strange. You're talking about marrying this guy next year, but you're willing to just walk away from it because you're afraid of upsetting him by giving him an ultimatum about the relationship? Sounds like he needs to have a little shock and realise that he's in serious danger of losing you because of this self-obsessed moron of an ex. Do you suffer from low self-esteem in general? I understand how you don't want to tell your BF who he can and can't be friends with, but I think the rules blur slightly when that friend is an ex who just won't go away.

Grow a backbone, OP! And then show your BF how to do the same.

tinkerbell

Your boyfriend is the problem here, like others have said - he's enabling her behaviour. And at this stage it's gotten to the point where he has to let go - he has to choose - you or her. Your boyfriend needs to talk to his parents and tell them that she is an EX and that he is not comfortable with her coming over anymore because she is acting inappropriately and that they should respect his feelings because he is their son, their family, she is not family.

I would not put up with that crap from anyone, OP. Tell your boyfriend he has to sort this out otherwise it'll be the end of your relationship I'm afraid.

gypsy_rose

This is absolutely crazy.

Marriage is on the cards for you and you're going to let this weirdo take it away from you? I know you say you don't like the thought of being someone who tries to control your partner, but this is an extra extreme case, I really can't believe this is going on. If I were you, I would meet up with my partner in private as soon as possible and read out to them what you wrote in the original post and see his reaction. There must be something seriously wrong with him to not have seen how this affects you, but sometimes people are strange about their parents.

Tell him if he keeps in any contact with her you'll walk. You really do not need to put up with this sh it, he's your partner, not hers. There's being friends with an ex, (the occasional email, perhaps meeting up with mutual friends,) but this thing is way, way out of line, and if he thinks it's OK you'll be well to be rid of him, no one in the world would think this is normal or OK.

And feel free to tell her to shove it as well, cheeky cow.

missgroovy21

I dont think i could tolerate what you have done!!!! My boyfriends ex is round alot too but not in the same....her i can handle!!!! i agree with the other posts it takes 2 to tango.....and i agree with the fact of why she up rooted herself....why would she have done that wiythout encouragement???

Talk to him!!!! dont acuse just talk but the more angry and defensive he gets the more your answer is clear

Good luck

Neyite

You need to get your boyfriend to think about it from your shoes. Would he be happy if an ex of yours moved in with your folks, walked around with his lad hanging out, buying you expensive gifts, flirting and maybe popping over to do a great job on the DIY? For best effect, pick an ex that is the best looking or that he likes the least.

He needs to let his parents know that if she continues to hang around then it could jepordise your relationship and possible marriage plans.

booboo88

I am a friend wrote: »

No I read it and took from it that she covered up.

why would she cover up in front of his father? and not in front of op?

I am a friend

booboo88 wrote: »

why would she cover up in front of his father? and not in front of op?

Cos she did....

booboo88

I am a friend wrote: »

Cos she did....

but clearly she knows what shes doing.
if shes that "comfortable with nudity" why cover up?

Bottle_of_Smoke

So this guy has a girlfriend who loves him willing to put up with a live-in former model who provides fancy meals in between parading herself naked around his house. The girl who also showers him with attention 24/7. He must feel like a rock star.

How you put up with that situation until she moved out is utterly beyond me and really provides a context for the current status. I would have felt physically ill from that

When you say you didn't want to be "that girl" - The term "that girl" in respect to a controlling girlfriend refers to things like calling him day and night/ checking his phone/not letting him see friends.

It wouldn't apply to restricting contact with attractive ex girlfriends who walk around naked in his house.

"I didn't notice her doing that" - that's a politician answer. If she didn't do it in front of him he'd just say no. He doesn't say that because she'd be the type to talk about being comfortable being naked in front of him to you.

He has to move out. Either with you or with mates. Though I'd bet my kidneys she'll stop going to his family's house so much if he does.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for your advice.

Those of you who said I was making too many excuses for him, you were probably right. If he had loved me he wouldn't have treated me like that and not taken into account my feelings.

I ended the relationship last night. He was shocked, thought it came from out of the blue, didn't seem to see anything whatsoever wrong with the situation and thought it was acceptable for them to continue as friends. He'll probably remain friends with her now. He called me after I left crying on the phone which is a huge response for him as he's not that kind of guy, but for me I need to keep going now and not talk to him. That's not to say I'm not absolutely heartbroken. I've had to take today off work after sitting up all night crying. I've deleted his number from my phone and luckily he got a new number recently that I haven't learned off so that might stop me from calling him, if he tries calling me I'll look into blocking his number as otherwise I won't be able to get past the heartache.

I'm hoping to try and keep busy today and take my mind off things but I'm not sure that'll be easy.

I think I'm still in shock, we were talking about our wedding and it's just a big shock to the system, family and friends are going to be totally shocked, I've told some close family, kinda dreading everyone else hearing.

Anyway, thanks guys for all of your help. Hopefully this will get easier as the days pass!!

tbh

today is the first day of the rest of your life Although it's hard to believe now, there will be point in the future where you will realise that you made the right decision yesterday - no matter how you look at it, and no matter how it ends up, things could not have continued the way they were. When you reach that point, you'll realise how none of it could have happened without you first making that step yesterday - it takes guts and self-belief, and you should be proud of yourself.

LegacyUser

faye454 wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for your advice.

Those of you who said I was making too many excuses for him, you were probably right. If he had loved me he wouldn't have treated me like that and not taken into account my feelings.

I ended the relationship last night. He was shocked, thought it came from out of the blue, didn't seem to see anything whatsoever wrong with the situation and thought it was acceptable for them to continue as friends. He'll probably remain friends with her now. He called me after I left crying on the phone which is a huge response for him as he's not that kind of guy, but for me I need to keep going now and not talk to him. That's not to say I'm not absolutely heartbroken. I've had to take today off work after sitting up all night crying. I've deleted his number from my phone and luckily he got a new number recently that I haven't learned off so that might stop me from calling him, if he tries calling me I'll look into blocking his number as otherwise I won't be able to get past the heartache.

I'm hoping to try and keep busy today and take my mind off things but I'm not sure that'll be easy.

I think I'm still in shock, we were talking about our wedding and it's just a big shock to the system, family and friends are going to be totally shocked, I've told some close family, kinda dreading everyone else hearing.

Anyway, thanks guys for all of your help. Hopefully this will get easier as the days pass!!

Was it that he had thought their friendship was acceptable before you decided to dump him, or did he say that he still thinks their friendship is acceptable even when you explained you wanted to end relationship because of it?

If you told him how much everything was upsetting you, and he still said fcuk it, I think our friendship is acceptable, then yes, you are 100% in the right for dumping such an ass.

However, you said he is completely shocked and felt this came out of the blue. I'm wondering if maybe you reacted rashly? Did you ever sit down and discuss every single issue even smaller ones, that you had with the ex, like you did in this thread?
I know you mentioned the walking about naked thing to him, and that he had told you he would never cheat with her or have any interest in her, but did you tell him about the other smaller stuff annoying you?
Such as her cooking him dinners, her expensive christmas present, her constantly visiting him, her constant ringing and texting?
These little things would drive me crazy if I had to experience them, but I, like yourself would probably be afraid of being labelled 'jealous' or 'insecure' for bringing just one of them up if I was in that situation. I would have to explain that it was a combination of things, and not just one single incident/thing.
All these 'little' things can build up, and you would have every right to feel angry about them.
I just hope that you did explain everything in detail, and exactly how it all made you feel, because it would seem a shame to end a very serious relationship that was nearly at marriage stage, all because of lack of communication or giving your boyfriend a chance to fix things.

I don't think he's completely innocent and clueless, he probably knew some of these things were definitely crossing the line, but if you didn't express how strongly you felt about it for fear of looking like 'that kind of woman',he might have just let it slide. You said yourself he hates confrontation, so letting it slide would have been an easy option for him.

If you HAVE previously told him every single thing that was bothering you, and made it very clear how serious you were, and he just refused to do anything about it, then fair play for getting rid of him. You deserve someone who will treat you with more respect, than someone who would just ignore and dismiss your feelings.

I am a friend

Yep you really should be proud of yourself.... You deserve to be treated well and made no1 and if he sees nothing wrong with it now, he never will.... Mind yourself.

LegacyUser

gfknhipurvy wrote: »

Was it that he had thought their friendship was acceptable before you decided to dump him, or did he say that he still thinks their friendship is acceptable even when you explained you wanted to end relationship because of it?

If you told him how much everything was upsetting you, and he still said fcuk it, I think our friendship is acceptable, then yes, you are 100% in the right for dumping such an ass.

However, you said he is completely shocked and felt this came out of the blue. I'm wondering if maybe you reacted rashly? Did you ever sit down and discuss every single issue even smaller ones, that you had with the ex, like you did in this thread?
I know you mentioned the walking about naked thing to him, and that he had told you he would never cheat with her or have any interest in her, but did you tell him about the other smaller stuff annoying you?
Such as her cooking him dinners, her expensive christmas present, her constantly visiting him, her constant ringing and texting?
These little things would drive me crazy if I had to experience them, but I, like yourself would probably be afraid of being labelled 'jealous' or 'insecure' for bringing just one of them up if I was in that situation. I would have to explain that it was a combination of things, and not just one single incident/thing.
All these 'little' things can build up, and you would have every right to feel angry about them.
I just hope that you did explain everything in detail, and exactly how it all made you feel, because it would seem a shame to end a very serious relationship that was nearly at marriage stage, all because of lack of communication or giving your boyfriend a chance to fix things.

I don't think he's completely innocent and clueless, he probably knew some of these things were definitely crossing the line, but if you didn't express how strongly you felt about it for fear of looking like 'that kind of woman',he might have just let it slide. You said yourself he hates confrontation, so letting it slide would have been an easy option for him.

If you HAVE previously told him every single thing that was bothering you, and made it very clear how serious you were, and he just refused to do anything about it, then fair play for getting rid of him. You deserve someone who will treat you with more respect, than someone who would just ignore and dismiss your feelings.

He thought their friendship was acceptable up until now, he saw nothing wrong with what had happened up until last night. And didn't understand that it was upsetting me.

He didn't say anything about the future of their friendship and I don't want to know about that as it's no longer my problem and will only upset me if I think about it.

To be honest, I didn't really make much of any of the little things and that is my fault and I have learned from this, I didn't realise how bad it was until I put it all together and read it back to myself here, and saw others' reactions to what I accepted, I didn't realise how messed up my relationship was until people here pointed it out to me.

I did discuss these things with him last night but I went in there with ending the relationship in my mind and I didn't have it in my at that point to listen to anymore bull about this situation.

I deserve a man who doesn't have his ex in his life, someone who knows when I'm upset and tells the ex where to go. I have learned from this, I will never again enter a relationship where a man keeps in touch with exes, it's just not for me.

I'm absolutely heartbroken at this time, cried all day and all night. Hoping this begins to get easier soon. Turned my phone off so I don't have to hear from him or other people who are shocked to hear we've split. Everyone thought we were soul mates and perfect for each other and it's hard hearing that now, it'd be nearly easy if I knew he cheated with her so I could blame him for destroying the relationship in one stupid incident.

LegacyUser

I just can't personally understand how you can finish it with someone who was practically your fiance, without ever explaining to him exactly how upset you are, or giving him a chance to sort it out. Fair enough you have told him now how you feel, but you waited until you were dumping him to say how you feel. I realise you're angry and hurt, but ending it so abruptly when you say he didn't even know how upset you were, just doesn't make sense to me. If you had such a happy relationship beforehand, and were even planning on getting married next year, do you not think he would have manned up and put a stop to the ex troubles if you had given him a chance to, now that he knows how seriously you feel about it? He couldn't have known how serious you were before if you never even told him.

Yes he shouldn't have had to be told, he should have known what was unacceptable and he probably even did to some extent with some of the things, but if he is a bit spineless and hates confrontation, and he didn't think you were that pissed off, he just let it continue because he probably never for a second thought you would leave him over this.
If he had been told, maybe he would have acted differently?

At the end of the day though, you know him better than anyone here as none of us have ever met either of you. So maybe you know that he is the type who would never change or stand up for you to his ex or parents?Did he say last night that he would put a stop to it all? If he didn't then you are better gone from him.
Or maybe you just feel too hurt by all that has happened so far, and are unable to move on from it even if he did change things.
Completely your decision and judgement to make, and I am sure this must have been a very heartbreaking and difficult decision for you to make.
You will know best yourself about whether you feel it was the right decision.

There's not much advice I can give you to cheer you up, only the well known that it will get better with time and to keep yourself busy.
Gather your friends around for support too. Hope you feel better soon, and that things get better for you. Best of Luck.

ladygirl

gfknhipurvy wrote: »

I just can't personally understand how you can finish it with someone who was practically your fiance, without ever explaining to him exactly how upset you are, or giving him a chance to sort it out. Fair enough you have told him now how you feel, but you waited until you were dumping him to say how you feel. I realise you're angry and hurt, but ending it so abruptly when you say he didn't even know how upset you were, just doesn't make sense to me. If you had such a happy relationship beforehand, and were even planning on getting married next year, do you not think he would have manned up and put a stop to the ex troubles if you had given him a chance to, now that he knows how seriously you feel about it? He couldn't have known how serious you were before if you never even told him.

Yes he shouldn't have had to be told, he should have known what was unacceptable and he probably even did to some extent with some of the things, but if he is a bit spineless and hates confrontation, and he didn't think you were that pissed off, he just let it continue because he probably never for a second thought you would leave him over this.
If he had been told, maybe he would have acted differently?

At the end of the day though, you know him better than anyone here as none of us have ever met either of you. So maybe you know that he is the type who would never change or stand up for you to his ex or parents?Did he say last night that he would put a stop to it all? If he didn't then you are better gone from him.
Or maybe you just feel too hurt by all that has happened so far, and are unable to move on from it even if he did change things.
Completely your decision and judgement to make, and I am sure this must have been a very heartbreaking and difficult decision for you to make.
You will know best yourself about whether you feel it was the right decision.

There's not much advice I can give you to cheer you up, only the well known that it will get better with time and to keep yourself busy.
Gather your friends around for support too. Hope you feel better soon, and that things get better for you. Best of Luck.

+1 to the above post..
I think you have been extreemely patient in all this OP however I feel maybe if you had brought the severity of this to his attention sooner that it might have not come to this.

What did he say when you broke up with him?? Did he want to still remain friends with this girl - or did he feel that your feelings were more important?

I think everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves and when you were so happy in this relationship all along I think he needs to be given the chance. You are giving this girl exactly what she wants!!!!

I was in similar situation, explained to him what upset me - gave him an oppurtunity to change (he did for a while but went back to his old ways) so I ended the relationship.. At least when I walked away I knew I did everything possible to make it work.. I would be afraid that you might have the "what ifs" hanging over you..

Now if its a thing that he is unable to see anything wrong with the situation then I do believe that you were 100% right to break up with him.



Very best of luck to you in whatever you choose to do next. xxx

Neyite

If he wants his girlfriend back, he tells the ex to sling her hook, and gets her out of his parents house, then go back and tell the OP that he wants her back. Simples.

She did the right thing. Giving ultimatims to him about the ex would mean doing the same to his parents, which would not have gone well for her. She is fully preparing to move on and thats the right thing to do.

OP, I hope you are ok. It does get better, I promise.

Pyr0

Like a few others posters here, I'm quite shocked that you've dumped someone who you would consider fiancee material without fully explaining how serious the situation is for you. Yeah of course, he should have realised without having to be told but sadly, not everyone is able to see things equally. It doesn't mean that he'd tell you to leave it out if you brought it up with him, I'm sure he'd see what you're on about and try change it once its highlighted how important issue it is to you.

I personally think you should sit the man down, talk everything out THEN decide what you want to do after its all been laid out.