people say really sh*t

LegacyUser

I am in my late 30s and have never had a girlfriend.(been sogged thats about it) . Couple of reasons for this. I was bullied during my teens and into my early 20s. i became a sort of hermit in that time and was suicidal. i found it hard to talk to others and even having a conversation was a nightmare for me. i never really went through that period of discoing and assumed everyone else was sh*gging away.
My parents were over protective and didnt realise that i was depressed they were glad i wasnt out drinking or getting into trouble( i wqasnt getting into trouble they were just pessimistic) my parents depite being over protective were very hard to talk even at times to a conversation. when i became depressed i became withdrawn but they didnt notice so i got no guidance or support from them. because of this i think i found it hard to talk to others i kept everything bottled up. i never really let my anger and just took sh1t from people. i think i needed counselling even when i was 12 or 13
i find it hard to talk to people and do a lot of contact onlin in different forums. when i do make a friend i can bee to clingy
Another reason is i have never had a girlfiend is because i had a condition caleed phimosis and thouught i needed a circumcision turns out i didnt just had to stretching excersises. it took me ten years to get this sorted
When i got older and girls took an interest i didnt respond because i knew they would cop on about my lack of experience and was afraid thet laugh at me or tell my friends
Because i never had a girlfriend people thought i was gay.

However recently making remarks to that make seem more sinister. AND people i known for years dont talk to me anymore. recently someone in the pub called me a nonce. i didnt know what the word meant until i looked it.

I feel its a matter of time before i am attacked, barred from pubs, publicly rebuked, get called names in the street or something painted on my house.

What should i do? please post this

Miss Fluff

deeply worried wrote: »

What should i do?

Take control. You're almost 40 and due to pretty sh1t circumstances you've become a victim. First off the bullies. Then of your own depression. Then of a physical issue. All in all you've had a hard time.

The good news is that your life is within your own capacity to change it and all that has to come from you. Nobody is going to come along and say that they can suddenly magic wand your life better hon. So there is an element of you deciding whether you are happy to continue wearing the victim hat or you want to live the rest of your life with you in charge. I get that I am over-simplifying it here but I hope you get where I am coming from.

I don't know if you suffer from depression or not so maybe you do need some medical advice as to whether that is the underlying issue.

Do you work however? Do you play sports? What are your social outlets at the moment? If this is confined to online then maybe a Boards Beers or actual realtime events to meet people (whom you have already struck up a rapport online with) would be a good step. Unfortunately nobody is going to come knocking on your door to enrich your life but I bet you'd find no end of people out there happy to extend the hand of friendship if you put yourself out there

kjl

Sorry, but where did you go from being a virgin to being gay to being a pedophile?

I think you seem to seriously put way to much emphasis on what people think of you. I would say I am fairly confident person. I like you used to get bullied a little at school, but I never let it get to me. I build up very thick skin and just learned to not care what nah-say's say about me.

You need to just get out there and start talking to people, the first thing I would recommend is going to something like toastmasters and learn to be able to express your opinion. From your post you seem to have an very external locus of control, you blame everyone for everything. Well I got news for you, the only person in control of your life is you and you need to take control and go out and be the best person you can be.

So forget about the idiots, forget about self pity and go and be who you are.

I will tell you one last thing, girls don't care about experience and will certainly not laugh you out of the bed. The first time with anyone is rarely not awkward, but spending more time with someone and you quickly learn what they like as well as them learning what you like.

Hope it all works out for you.

IrishEyes19

I agree with the above poster, but I think you should also start counselling again, you clearly arent happy with yourself right now and I think you are harsher on yourself than anyone else is on you. so it might benefit you to just talk to someone about it.

Overheal

It sounds like you don't even like or love yourself. If you don't like you, how are others supposed to like you? You need to work on you. Before you can build relationships with others you need to fix the relationship with yourself, to be honest.

mikemac

There is no magic answer here OP but a lot of hard work and it's you who has to do the work.

Plenty of us got bullied but if this is still with you have given them control.

You have to work on yourself and as said if you don't like yourself why would the people you meet?
If you don't do it now and get out of your comfort zone in five years time you can come back and read this thread and you'll be the same.

Maybe it's overused advice but hit the gym and get into top shape.
And toastmasters is a superb organization, most every town in Ireland has a club. It's get easier every time and in no time you'll be cracking jokes.

I'm a bit lost on where you went from a quiet guy to believing you were heading to be public enemy number one in your town

LegacyUser

when i was younger(teenager or early 20s i think) i walked past a house i heard a knock turned around and a couple of young kids were mooning me. i didnt know what else to do so just laughed after that they (the young kids) would give me a hard time and say things like "did you enjoy that?"

then i fell out with someone who thought i did something and i think he is behind it to a degree

I also got fed up with people reffering to me as gay and over reacted a couple of times

Also i have depressed for years and i might have ocd so maybe that makes me a bit strange

LegacyUser

deeply worried,, wrote: »

when i was younger(teenager or early 20s i think) i walked past a house i heard a knock turned around and a couple of young kids were mooning me. i didnt know what else to do so just laughed after that they (the young kids) would give me a hard time and say things like "did you enjoy that?"

This kid is now grown up and someone hinted he has been say ing bad things about me

I just dont know to react if someone says something in the pub or on the street

Overheal

Don't react then.

poozers

go travel and see the world!!! if you have no commitments here, why stay here??? (im not suggesting you "run away from your problems") but why not give yourself a break, get out into the world and meet people from all walks of life and it may put your own problems into prospective...


OP you dont seem to be taking anyones advice here on board! i know this can be a place to rant and get things off your chest, but at the same time, people will stop listening if you keep talking about the little events that happened in your life, and focussing on those bad times! what i mean is you need to listen to other people...if your trying to help yourself with your problems...let other people help you too!! do some breathing and relaxation excersises... i also suffer from anxiety and stress to the point of nearly fainting...so i started doing these excersises recently too, and can feel a change in a week! i do them every night and can see results already!

LegacyUser

poozers wrote: »

go travel and see the world!!! if you have no commitments here, why stay here??? (im not suggesting you "run away from your problems") but why not give yourself a break, get out into the world and meet people from all walks of life and it may put your own problems into prospective...


OP you dont seem to be taking anyones advice here on board! i know this can be a place to rant and get things off your chest, but at the same time, people will stop listening if you keep talking about the little events that happened in your life, and focussing on those bad times! what i mean is you need to listen to other people...if your trying to help yourself with your problems...let other people help you too!! do some breathing and relaxation excersises... i also suffer from anxiety and stress to the point of nearly fainting...so i started doing these excersises recently too, and can feel a change in a week! i do them every night and can see results already!

I am taking peoples advice on board. i dont think i worded the original too well. i have several personal issues lack of confidence self esteem, bullying, ocd? but this ltest thing puts everything on a different level.
if i leave town happens? i have "something to hide"? if i stay i am wondering will this escalate?

Overheal

..deeply worried.. wrote: »

I am taking peoples advice on board. i dont think i worded the original too well. i have several personal issues lack of confidence self esteem, bullying, ocd? but this ltest thing puts everything on a different level.
if i leave town happens? i have "something to hide"? if i stay i am wondering will this escalate?

Do what you want to do, knowing that you don't have any reasonable control over the free will of others. All the good it will do you to try and contemplate one of an infinite series of possibilities that may occur as a result of your actions, all of which are still dependent on the free will of others.

And stop labeling yourself. It's Self-Actualization. Keep saying you have low self esteem, you've been bullied and you have no confidence and - surprise - you will never have esteem, or confidence, and you will always be a victim. Stop treating yourself like that.

poozers

If you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to worry about! so if you were to leave town and go travel to help rebuild you as a person... you're biggest worry is the locals thinking you have "something to hide ???- not bein harsh OP but thats absolutely ridiculous!!!

anyone could tell you to stop caring about what people think of you till their face turn blue...i NEVER believe anyone when they tell me they dont care what people think of them! i think its nearly impossible to not care what someone thinks of you, but it is possible to not be so sensitive to it!! its a matter of not letting it control your life!! its up to YOU to make a difference... take a few risks in life, experience everything around you, worry bout what you think of yourself rather than anyone else!!!

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies.

I know i have a couple of personal issues but this latest is troubling. Is it possible i could get attacked or beaten up?

LegacyUser

ok so what i do if someone calls me a 'nonce'? isnt ignoring it a bad idea? should i hit the person?
should i tell my family this is happening?
i know i should to a counsellor but i find it hard to open up in general and this is something that would be even harder to mention

Overheal

worried,... wrote: »

thanks for the replies.

I know i have a couple of personal issues but this latest is troubling. Is it possible i could get attacked or beaten up?

It's possible a bird could **** not only on the left shoulder of your nice jacket, but on the right just half an hour later, when you're in France.

That was interesting...

Anything is probable. The difference is leaving in fear of the possibility, or not.

..worried.. wrote: »

ok so what i do if someone calls me a 'nonce'? isnt ignoring it a bad idea? should i hit the person?
should i tell my family this is happening?
i know i should to a counsellor but i find it hard to open up in general and this is something that would be even harder to mention

Why should you care if someone calls you a nonce? And why would you hit them for it? Are you afraid of being attacked or not? You realise attacking someone will give them the right to attack back?

Shouldnt waste your time caring what meaningless people say or think.

theg81der

You need a girlfriend, I know everyone else will thing this is a simplistic answer but I believe it would help you, to have a person to share your life with, someone who`s got your back. Its not to late. You said girls showed interest so you must be reasonable attractive, if thats the case your just a gem for some girl. They won`t laugh at you or be disappointed by your lack of experience, they may even find it endearing, be honest you have nothing to hide you, should be proud. I can see from your posts you have some issues mainly I`d say that you take everything far to seriously - life is suppose to be fun you know! I`m telling you there is so many fabulous single women out there who are looking for a guy just like you and a lot of them are virgins too - I actually have a very atttractive friend in her 20`s she`s a virgin, waiting till marriage nothing wrong with it at all.

Moomoo1

Overheal wrote: »

Why should you care if someone calls you a nonce?

presumably because he would be in physical danger if enough people believed this story?

Overheal

You need a girlfriend

A stable person shouldn't "need" another person. It's a lovely thing to have, yes. But if you're dysfunctional without a better half, you should work on that first.

dr gonzo

To be honest, i agree with one of the suggestions above. If its within your means i think you should get the hell out of there OP. To a certain extent it is true that youre running away from your problems but its sounds like your environment is eating away at you. Head off, head anywhere, it certainly wont solve all your problems but it might remove some of the obstacles preventing you from being comfortable in your own skin.

As for being a virgin in your 30's, it doesnt matter. You cant roll back time but more importantly i think it bothers you more then it might bother a potential girlfriend so try and put it our of your mind and learn to be comfortable with yourself and before long you'll be surrounded by people who actually care about you.

LegacyUser

ok its me again. I didnt head off anywhere still in town. The guy that called me a ponce is up chatting to me and in his own way aplogising. For a while i didnt talk to him. but he is being friendly to me now should i chat back

A neighbour of mine who i have known for about 10 years has suddenly started ignoring me. even when we are in the pub with mutual friends. should i ask her about it or just ignore it? people are going to start to notice and ask why

Distorted

You actually come across as quite an interesting, thoughtful person. But I agree with the posters who say take control of your own life. You sound like you are a passenger, very passive, with no control over your destiny. You worry about how people percieve you, but make little effort to fit in. This shows a lack of empathy for the thoughts and feelings of others, probably because you are too busy overthinking and worrying about yourself. For example, if I have a party, I worry that my guests are happy, have someone to talk to, have enough to eat and drink, etc - not about what they are thinking about me. I put their needs first.

While I sympathise with you to a certain extent, it sounds as if you have a stable, kind upbringing and no major obstacles to overcome in life. There are people from far less advantageous backgrounds than you who seize the one life they have with both hands and make as much as they can of it.

Its rather hard but not impossible at age 40 to change the habits of a lifetime, but it certainly can be done. I think you will find the rewards of socialising with people far outweigh the effort and risk of rejection. And to be honest, anyone who rejects your attempts at socialisation is not worth wasting time worrying about anyway. But you might be surprised how welcoming people are if you just go down the pub, join the local sports team or go travelling, and take an interest in people and their lives. And you need the confidence to stand up to the namecallers and look them in the eye and make them feel like the stupid ones.

Maybe you should a few Cognitive Behavioural Therapy sessions, to help you perceive how you come across to others. As for not having a girlfriend, what you describe is no excuse for not dating. You simply haven't made the effort.

I post on this thread because I know someone of 31 who is probably heading the same way as you. He used to be exceptionally good looking, has great parents, an excellent education, a good job and talent at sports. But he is the most anti-social person possible as he rebufs nearly all attempts at friendship and can be rude. While being shy as a young man can even be a little charming, once you get older, there is a danger of it coming across as odd.

Zen65

worried?! wrote: »

A neighbour of mine who i have known for about 10 years has suddenly started ignoring me. even when we are in the pub with mutual friends. should i ask her about it or just ignore it? people are going to start to notice and ask why

Op, you share this planet with 7 billion other people. They all have their own trials and tribulations in life and they (mostly) try to get by while maintaining civil relations with all those around them. For each of us there are probably just one or two enduring friendships which are close enough for us to really know what they are thinking.

I'm guessing your neighbour is not such a person. She is not ignoring you, she simply has nothing to say to you at that point in time, and you are not close enough as friends to be able to discuss issues that are held in her "inner world" of thoughts. Asking her to explain why she is ignoring you would probably come across as a bolt out of the blue, and she's most likely to think it was an ill-judged question on your part.

Rather than ask her such a question, simply maintain a friendly disposition towards her; smile or nod when she looks at you, but don't force a conversation unless you have something of substance to say to her. Do however by all means make small talk; it's what good neighbours do.

Your posts here suggest a high level of self-indulgence. You discuss the world and its people only in terms of how they view you. This suggests a lack of empathy on your part which is most likely to be at the heart of why you have reached your present age without having a relationship. Relationships require that you think of other people as fully rounded and equal beings who have their own wants, needs, and insecurities.

I'd echo the suggestion of previous posters here that you seek counselling, as well as actively try to get involved in activities that get you out of your own head for a while. I don't mean "out-of-your-head" in a drugged-up way, I mean for you to genuinely try to see the world from the perspective of another person, without focussing on how they view you.

The suggestion that you should respond physically to any taunts that others may make towards you is so wrong, so messed-up in its logic as to defy proper description. Each of us takes a certain amount of the slings-and-arrows from our fellow humans, whether that be direct insults, rudeness in queues while shopping, road rage, or simply being ignored - but we learn to cope by mostly ignoring it. We focus on the more pleasant exchanges we have with people (which for the most part is at least equal in measure if not greater than the negative experiences) and we get on with our lives, sharing our compassion and empathy as best we can. You seem to focus only on the negative exchanges and in doing so you seem to have missed all the positive exchanges that must have taken place. You evaluate your own parents in terms of their failings but you seem (in your post) to have missed how much they must have loved you to care as they did.

Op, wake up to the positive experiences all around you. The more you see them the more they will feed your own positive behaviour. The more positive your behaviour becomes the more people react positively to you, and this ultimately leads to a greater sense of self-fulfilment but also a greater empathy towards the people with whom you share the planet. It is your actions, rather than you, that people perceive. You have full control over your actions, so seize control now and shape your own destiny.


Be at peace,


Z

Distorted

Zen65 wrote: »

Your posts here suggest a high level of self-indulgence. You discuss the world and its people only in terms of how they view you. This suggests a lack of empathy on your part which is most likely to be at the heart of why you have reached your present age without having a relationship. Relationships require that you think of other people as fully rounded and equal beings who have their own wants, needs, and insecurities.

Op, wake up to the positive experiences all around you. The more you see them the more they will feed your own positive behaviour. The more positive your behaviour becomes the more people react positively to you, and this ultimately leads to a greater sense of self-fulfilment but also a greater empathy towards the people with whom you share the planet. It is your actions, rather than you, that people perceive. You have full control over your actions, so seize control now and shape your own destiny.

Really good post Zen_65, especially the paragraphs I have quoted. I hope the OP can take this in, as it must be difficult if you have got used to the habit of being a rather isolated person. There is no obligation on him to be a social animal, but it does seem to be making him unhappy.

OP, you will find that you get out of people what you put in. You cannot expect kind treatment and friendship if you provide nothing in return. Rather than criticise people, a more successful strategy might be to think of yourself in terms of what you can offer others from time to time. I don't mean material goods or physical help, but perhaps a kind word or a listening ear occasionally.

curlzy

If you hear that again I really would go to the Gardai OP, being labelled as a pedophile is very very serious. So yeah if you hear someone say something like that again I would say "I've had enough of those lies and I'm reporting you to the gaurds, the accusations you're making are very serious" and then I'd walk away. However, if you are as shy as you say you are then that mightn't be possible. I really would go to the guards though, this is the type of rumour that could get way out of hand if it goes on. At the end of the day you're constitutionally entitled to your good name and people spreading lies are denying you of that right (I studied slander/libel/defamation in college). This isn't something you should ignore because it may just escalate. Honestly OP I really really really think you should get into councelling because your problems are too deep to sort out on an internet forum. Remember this though: Things will improve with a bit of effort. So go and find a councellor.

The very best of luck OP

qwertytlk

Hi,
iv read all your posts in this thread and to be honest im half wondering is this some kind of a wind up? For example you say someone is calling you a name and you wonder should you hit them? Well at 31 years of age i would have thought you would know thats not the way to go about sorting your problems!
As for this person who is ccalling you names, what are they calling you, is it a nonce or a ponce? I ask because they are two very different things and the latter refers to a paedophile. Being called anything that refers to this is wrong and it is slander. I would nip this in the bud immeadiatley. What age is the person who is saying this? If they are quite young, is there a chance they may not be fully aware of the meaning of the word? Therefore if this is the case and its a youth saying this to you, the next time they say it i would ask them if they know what it means. If they do, then i would tell them that by calling you this name they are ruining your reputation and the allegations they are making are serious and if they dont stop you will be forced to go to the police.

And op, if you do this and the name calling continues i would go to the police because to label someone as a 'nonce' is extreemly serious and damaging to ones reputation and its not on.


In regard to your other issues i would seek counselling as from what you have said, i think you would benifit from talking to a professional about your problems. As another poster said, they are too big to be solved on an internet chat forum.
Best of luck

Ickle Magoo

qwertytlk, please assume the OP is in earnest and refer to this sticky regarding what to do if you think it is a suspect/troll thread.

Many thanks.

qwertytlk

Ickle magoo.. Sorry. I worded it wrong. Or didnt explain properly. What i wasa trying to get at was the fact that some of the stuff op was saying just seemed 'way out there'...almost as if it was a wind up-but not. Either way im sorry, wont happen again.

LegacyUser

sorry for the lat reply but i dont have regular internet access

curlzy wrote: »

If you hear that again I really would go to the Gardai OP, being labelled as a pedophile is very very serious. So yeah if you hear someone say something like that again I would say "I've had enough of those lies and I'm reporting you to the gaurds, the accusations you're making are very serious" and then I'd walk away. However, if you are as shy as you say you are then that mightn't be possible. I really would go to the guards though, this is the type of rumour that could get way out of hand if it goes on. At the end of the day you're constitutionally entitled to your good name and people spreading lies are denying you of that right (I studied slander/libel/defamation in college). This isn't something you should ignore because it may just escalate.

If i go to the guards though wouldnt i be bringing attention onto myself? could it make things worse?

LegacyUser

Zen65 wrote: »

Op, you share this planet with 7 billion other people. They all have their own trials and tribulations in life and they (mostly) try to get by while maintaining civil relations with all those around them. For each of us there are probably just one or two enduring friendships which are close enough for us to really know what they are thinking.

I'm guessing your neighbour is not such a person. She is not ignoring you, she simply has nothing to say to you at that point in time, and you are not close enough as friends to be able to discuss issues that are held in her "inner world" of thoughts. Asking her to explain why she is ignoring you would probably come across as a bolt out of the blue, and she's most likely to think it was an ill-judged question on your part.

Thee neighbour has a couple of kids because of the rumours i thought people were saying about about i tended to avoid her place but about 2 or 3 times after the pub i ended up there.

This neighbour has stopped speaking to me. If i meet her in the pub she blanks me. if i meet her in the street she crosses the road to avoid me. She does this in front of other people who will notice after a while. a few times i could hear mentioning my name to other people(it was obvious she was talking about me) or rwefusing to go to partys i was at. When i asked a mutual friend why this was happening he wouldnt tell me and became nervous but in a roundabout/vague way he said she needed to worry about her kids

...However recently i have found out that she has fallen out with a family member(of mine) This falling out seems to have been nasty as she has fallen out with other siblings over this. she has also sent an ominous text. I feel she is using me to attack said family member and really feel hate towards her.

....Then she send me a text saying that there is a lot bad shht going around and that i am welcome to call over to her house to hear her story!! How do i respomnd to this person?

qwertytlk

Id respond by going over to the neighbour and seeing what' she has to say, at least she sounds like she will be straight with you and that way you can find out exactly what's going on and what the rumors are. You can also give your side of the story..
In regard to going to the police about the rumors and abuse/slander, well no this won't bring attention to you. If you have nothing to hide and are not involved in any of these awful things people are trying to say you are then in my opinion it would be a normal reasonable thing to do, to take action on the situation and get it sorted. Because if you are innocent and have no involvement in anything of an ill nature the garda will be able to clear you and then people will have nothing to say about you anymore. In my honest opinion, going to the garda would be the actions of an innocent man with nothin to hide who just wants his life back. As i have to presume thats what you are, then this is what you should do. So stop giving these bullies power by walking around worried and letting them spread lies about you and do something constructive about it,
also as i said in my previous reply, i think you would benefit greatly from some counselling.
Good luck. And please do something about this situation before it gets totally out of control and un manageable, go to the garda.

LegacyUser

qwertytlk wrote: »

Id respond by going over to the neighbour and seeing what' she has to say, at least she sounds like she will be straight with you and that way you can find out exactly what's going on and what the rumors are. You can also give your side of the story..
In regard to going to the police about the rumors and abuse/slander, well no this won't bring attention to you. If you have nothing to hide and are not involved in any of these awful things people are trying to say you are then in my opinion it would be a normal reasonable thing to do, to take action on the situation and get it sorted. Because if you are innocent and have no involvement in anything of an ill nature the garda will be able to clear you and then people will have nothing to say about you anymore. In my honest opinion, going to the garda would be the actions of an innocent man with nothin to hide who just wants his life back. As i have to presume thats what you are, then this is what you should do. So stop giving these bullies power by walking around worried and letting them spread lies about you and do something constructive about it,
also as i said in my previous reply, i think you would benefit greatly from some counselling.
Good luck. And please do something about this situation before it gets totally out of control and un manageable, go to the garda.

thanks for the reply. i am not sure if i shopuld go near her. she sent my sibling a threatening message and might have indirectly caused him to be attacked

Sorry for these replys they do seem a bit far out bit i have literally no one else to talk to. i am getting counselling at the moment but would find it hard to to open up

wingsof daun

I think 1 of the biggest problems for you and others like you is that Fear is holding you back and it is stopping you from improving your situation. I don't think you deserve all the nonsense you are getting. There is a fear of public humiliation and unimaginable embarassement and that one's reputation might be destroyed forever. Self belief is important here, being genuine to others and ourselves while understanding other peoples actions and accepting that their actions might hurt us but that is simply a reflection of their faults in their character and we must overcome whatever they may fire at us in terms of violence and insult. In many ways the way these people act is so futile and miserable, they are really resorting to such low things that anyone with a sense of humanity and decency/morals would not go to such lows.