Single Mothers

Mommylove22

I am single mum of a baby girl, Alexus. My partner and I did not continue a relationship after my beautiful baby was born over a year ago, and so far I have been completely on my own.

I thought I would begin a thread for any single mums who would be interested in having a support group or who are in a similar situation as myself, and for anyone wanting to discuss the joys of being a mum.

Justask

WEll done you

Being a single mum is not easy but its the most rewarding thing in the world..

You can turn around at every special event you little one is involved in and say 'I did that, on my own'

Im one of those mums that everyone hates I go on all the time about how proud I am of my son and how wonderful he is and I make no appoligies for it.

If you set up something let me know.
But stay here for support about things. I find it great.

Again Well done you

Fittle

Might be setting the cat amongst the pigeons here but I find there is very little joy in parenting alone! Yes, I find tremendous joy in parenting - and I adore my son more than I ever imagined I could - but the challenges and the struggles are doubled, because we are doing it alone, without support from their other parent.
In the early years, I found it the most unrewarding and boring of jobs - I was lonelier than I had ever been in my whole life, despite the fact that I had lived alone for long periods of my life (before I had him)...even though I had this other human being in my home with me.
Even now, 9 years later, there are days when I am just fed up doing this on my own - and yet, I love this boy more than life itself - so I find I am in constant conflict with myself - loving this child so much that I would die for him, and hating the situation we (I) find myself in.

I never bought into that 'I get all the cuddles while his dad gets none' to be honest - I think it's an excuse we tell ourselves. Every child deserves two parents to love them and there is little reward in knowing that your childs father (or other parent) doesn't love him the way you do.

I would love a support group that revolved around honesty - not negativity, nor moaning - but just being honest with each other about the challenges we face ever minute, as people who are parenting alone. The responsibility of every aspect of their lives that can't be shared with another person - the juggling of childcare when it is only you who has to arrange everything - a group that would offer practical support around other issues also.

Perhaps I'm in a bad mood today and I apologise OP, if this was not the response you wanted - but I just wanted to be honest and admit that there are few joys to parenting when you are doing it alone - for me anyway!

Justask

Fittle wrote: »

Might be setting the cat amongst the pigeons here but I find there is very little joy in parenting alone! Yes, I find tremendous joy in parenting - and I adore my son more than I ever imagined I could - but the challenges and the struggles are doubled, because we are doing it alone, without support from their other parent.
In the early years, I found it the most unrewarding and boring of jobs - I was lonelier than I had ever been in my whole life, despite the fact that I had lived alone for long periods of my life (before I had him)...even though I had this other human being in my home with me.
Even now, 9 years later, there are days when I am just fed up doing this on my own - and yet, I love this boy more than life itself - so I find I am in constant conflict with myself - loving this child so much that I would die for him, and hating the situation we (I) find myself in.

I never bought into that 'I get all the cuddles while his dad gets none' to be honest - I think it's an excuse we tell ourselves. Every child deserves two parents to love them and there is little reward in knowing that your childs father (or other parent) doesn't love him the way you do.

I would love a support group that revolved around honesty - not negativity, nor moaning - but just being honest with each other about the challenges we face ever minute, as people who are parenting alone. The responsibility of every aspect of their lives that can't be shared with another person - the juggling of childcare when it is only you who has to arrange everything - a group that would offer practical support around other issues also.

Perhaps I'm in a bad mood today and I apologise OP, if this was not the response you wanted - but I just wanted to be honest and admit that there are few joys to parenting when you are doing it alone - for me anyway!

Hey Fittle.
I found your post so honest and maybe a little sad.
Every child does deserve 2 parent to love them of course, but not all parents want to love the child... I have never asked or begged my sons father for aa thing least of all to love his son.
He is the adult and if he can decide to turn his back on his own flesh and blood tbh hes not a parent in my eyes!
I think a very important thing is when your on your own with a chld to make sure you get a break from them.

But as for there are few joys to parenting! I totally disagree sorry.

We should set up some sort of mum group. Most Mother groups like that are for mums and toddlers and mine is way past toddler

RedXIV

^^^^^ with regards to Fittle's post above, and forgive me if I sound blasé, but why not start one? seriously?

Find a community hall or something, or even start it out of someone's house first and then invite people to join it? I know technically my girlfriend isn't a single mom but she too gets annoyed being at home all day, and I'm sure would welcome a haven where women could even just sit down and have a cup of tea with another adult.

Again, I really don't want to come across as flippant but most of what you need to organise could be done online, and if you're in on your own in the evening, you should be able to do this?

P.S. I think single mom's are fantastic. my girlfriend was a single mom when I met her and I always was impressed by her independance

Morag

Gingerbread Ireland used to run support groups for lone parents, I know someone who used to facilitate them. Gingerbread merged into http://onefamily.ie and they have help and support for those who are parenting alone.

Fittle

Justask wrote: »

But as for there are few joys to parenting! I totally disagree sorry.

If you re-read my post, you will see that I said there are few joys to parenting when you are doing it alone.

Of course there are joys to parenting - I smile at my lad every day and am thankful everyday that I have him - I sometimes wonder where life might have brought me if it weren't for him.

Of course my post is a little sad. How can it not be sad that a person who created this child with you, doesn't give a toss about them? How can you not look at your child and feel that they deserve the love of a father, and a mother? Of course it's sad.

That's not to say I am sad every day - far from it. Nor would my lad have a clue I even feel like this. But I never bought into this joys of parenting alone - there are few joys when you're doing it solo - unless of course someone can point some out to me?

Fittle

Sharrow wrote: »

Gingerbread Ireland used to run support groups for lone parents, I know someone who used to facilitate them. Gingerbread merged into http://onefamily.ie and they have help and support for those who are parenting alone.

They are a great organisation Sharrow, I agree.

Justask

Fittle wrote: »

If you re-read my post, you will see that I said there are few joys to parenting when you are doing it alone.

Of course there are joys to parenting - I smile at my lad every day and am thankful everyday that I have him - I sometimes wonder where life might have brought me if it weren't for him.

Of course my post is a little sad. How can it not be sad that a person who created this child with you, doesn't give a toss about them? How can you not look at your child and feel that they deserve the love of a father, and a mother? Of course it's sad.

That's not to say I am sad every day - far from it. Nor would my lad have a clue I even feel like this. But I never bought into this joys of parenting alone - there are few joys when you're doing it solo - unless of course someone can point some out to me?

My mistake sorry

Cavehill Red

Fittle wrote: »

They are a great organisation Sharrow, I agree.

Great for single mums. For single dads, not quite so much.
Roll on the day there's a single fathers representative organisation funded to the hilt by the taxpayer.
Actually, scratch that, Just equity in law would be nice.
Anyhow, on-topic, single mums seeking support should find they get a great hearing from the above mentioned organisation.

Justask

In an ideal world there would of course be a mum and dad in a childs life.

This is not an ideal world obviously.

I suppose im different from some parent but I enjoy been on my own with my child, maybe i've got used to it cos im doing it so long. And I will make no apoloies for it.

im not saying single mums/dads have a walk in the park, no parent does.


But of course that just my opinion.

Fittle

Justask wrote: »

I suppose im different from some parent but I enjoy been on my own with my child, maybe i've got used to it cos im doing it so long. And I will make no apoloies for it.

I've read some of your posts, and you do seem quite upbeat in general. I've been doing it for 9yrs now and I'm also well used to it - can't say I enjoy doing it alone though. What do you enjoy about parenting alone exactly?

Justask

Fittle wrote: »

I've read some of your posts, and you do seem quite upbeat in general. I've been doing it for 9yrs now and I'm also well used to it - can't say I enjoy doing it alone though. What do you enjoy about parenting alone exactly?

Thats a hard question to answer directly.

I enjoy when people tell me im doing a good job, thats hes a great funny kid and brillant company.

Our days out, our meals together. The things he says.

Dont get me wrong when he has his room in a state and has his kevin and perry moment I could dance on him.

I suppose I am really lucky that he has never given me a oz of trouble, maybe if he was giving me trouble i'd be different.

I just love being a mum.
Im not sure that answered you

Dodd

I'm not mum but I did bring up my son from age 6.
What helped a lot was getting interested in the stuff he was interested in.
I had no interest in rugby but when he did then I learned the players names
and watched it with him.
I played the computer games with him when I had time and I read the instructions as I knew he wouldn't have.:)

Anyway he is all grown up now and we still watch soccer and rugby matches
together.

Fittle

I do all of that - he is football mad and we've started to go to our local sports club on a sunday to watch a Man U game (they do a nice carvery too:))...I bring him to the Aviva for matches etc. I've realised that my life is dictated by him for now, and will be, for another few years. He's very lucky in that I love football myself, having grown up in a house full of older brothers;) My lad is also a dote, never gives me an ounce of bother and I would have ten of him, if I could.

Still doesn't take away from the fact that I'd rather not be doing it alone - and that for his sake, he had a father in his life who loved him in the same way that I do.
What you are talking about Justask is parenting - every parent enjoys those things - it's parenting alone that's somewhat different.

Justask

Fittle wrote: »

What you are talking about Justask is parenting - every parent enjoys those things - it's parenting alone that's somewhat different.

Yea your right

I just love been a mum, I suppose thats the best answer I can give

Sorry im not great at putting words together

greengirl31

I think parenting is hard - Full stop!! It doesn't matter if you're doing it alone or you're partner because both situations has different challenges. I am the only single parent among my friends and I've seen the struggles they go through - Like the resentment that sets in cause hubby doesn't do enough around the house, Doesn't play with the kids, "can't" go to the parent teacher meeting etc etc etc ... The mother in ANY household takes the lead when it comes to parenting I think.
However, I love being a Mum. My little is only 3 and we have great fun together!! we go to the park, on our little adventures and when she turns around at bed time and tells me she had fun with me today, my heart melts! Don't get me wrong, the nights she's kicking off I could throttle her but I honestly don't know how having her dad around at times like that would make things better cause It'd be grating on my nerves anyway !!

hacked

If you're setting up some sort of support group, I'd be really interested. I am a single mother to a 15 year old girl. My fiancèe and i split while i was in the first trimester and I have done it alone from the start.

I love being a mommy, my little girl is a complete joy in my life, but it can be tough and rather isolating by times. I wouldn't change it for the world, my daughter is the best part of me and I just love spending time with the little odd ball. It would be nice to meet others like me though, sometimes it can be really hard to talk to my friends or my boyfriend about how i feel because they ust can't understand.

chirogirl

Hi,

I'm about to be a single mum to be. My baby is due to born in July. The Father of the baby doesn't want to be involved in the childs upbringing etc. I've accepted this and feel I have moved on. I've been looking online for single parent support groups, but there appears to be little out there.

Morag

I'd suggest that you get in touch with http://onefamily.ie and ask.

Fittle

There are many organisations out there who support single mothers, particularly during pregnancy. You should also try http://www.treoir.ie/ who can provide you with very practical information around maternity benefit, your options should you decide not to return to work etc. You should also contact your local community centre - I found a huge amount going on at local level that I had no idea about. Where do you live?

bulmersgal

I've been a single mum since I was 6 weeks pregnant, my daughter is going to be 15 months soon.

I can see both the pro's and con's of being a single mum, sometimes i'd love somebody there to help with the day to day, somebody to get opinions of when there sick as you are never sure if your over or under acting. Or when i go out not having to worry about organising babysitters.

On the other hand i'd have 2 babys to look after if I was still with my ex, I wouldn't of gotten any help on the things listed above as he would of been out cheating on me. So i'm better off without him.

I love my freedom, I love having my daughter all to myself, I love how strong i've had to become since I found out I was pregnant.

As much as I love my life at the moment, I do however hope to fall in love and have a bigger family at some stage. Also I don't think i'd love my life if I didn't get such great support from family and friends.

I would be very interested in support group or even just people to meet during week for tea and chat. If anybody is interested in meeting during the week i'm free most days besides thursday.

hacked

haha i just made a huge typo! 15 month old! not year old!

Bulmers...i remember you from the prengnancy forum days Wherebouts do you live again? Would love to meet up with the girls sometime, they are the same age!

bulmersgal

Hi Hacked yeah I remember you to from pregnancy days god that feels so long ago now. I would love to meet up. I live in Celbridge but have car so can drive wherever. I'm free most days during the week, but we should be nice for girls to play together. Even though Elisha will prob spend the whole time running around like i've given her 2 red bulls beforehand

lolli

I have much respect for you Ladies that are doing it alone. Well done girls!

Oh and ye are very welcome to come to Wexford

we'llallhavetea_old

Fittle wrote: »

If you re-read my post, you will see that I said there are few joys to parenting when you are doing it alone.

Of course there are joys to parenting - I smile at my lad every day and am thankful everyday that I have him - I sometimes wonder where life might have brought me if it weren't for him.

Of course my post is a little sad. How can it not be sad that a person who created this child with you, doesn't give a toss about them? How can you not look at your child and feel that they deserve the love of a father, and a mother? Of course it's sad.

That's not to say I am sad every day - far from it. Nor would my lad have a clue I even feel like this. But I never bought into this joys of parenting alone - there are few joys when you're doing it solo - unless of course someone can point some out to me?

with all due respect fittle, nothing is quite so black and white. everyones situation is different. i for one am glad i am a single parent as the other alternative (to still have my ex in our lives) would be devastatingly bad.
of course you can say parenting alone is harder but certainly not in my case.

metrovelvet

Parenting alone is hard. Parenting alone with a hostile other parent who doesnt parent but wants to destoy you is even harder. I would take option A.

Fittle it could be a lot worse.

Personally I would not be interested in a support groups for single mothers, but that is because I get tired of the category and I dont want it consuming all parts of my identity.

TheMilkyPirate

greengirl31 wrote: »

I think parenting is hard - Full stop!! It doesn't matter if you're doing it alone or you're partner because both situations has different challenges. I am the only single parent among my friends and I've seen the struggles they go through - Like the resentment that sets in cause hubby doesn't do enough around the house, Doesn't play with the kids, "can't" go to the parent teacher meeting etc etc etc ... The mother in ANY household takes the lead when it comes to parenting I think.
However, I love being a Mum. My little is only 3 and we have great fun together!! we go to the park, on our little adventures and when she turns around at bed time and tells me she had fun with me today, my heart melts! Don't get me wrong, the nights she's kicking off I could throttle her but I honestly don't know how having her dad around at times like that would make things better cause It'd be grating on my nerves anyway !!

That's a bit unfair and not necessarly true.

ash23

This "who has it harder" thing bugs me.

It's not what support groups are about. it's not competition as to who has it harder. Parenting is hard. Parenting alone is hard. Parenting with a hostile ex is hard. Parenting with a co=parent is hard.
Each has it's own issues and problems and there is nothing worse than where someone comes and says they are struggling or finding it hard or not liking it and someone else tells them they find it easy or that they are wrong to feel that way.
Everyone has their own likes and dislikes and preferences and personal situations.

This is why I always hated single parenting groups as I always found them full of people just looking to win the "who has it worst" competition.
In fact, I quite dislike the idea of a parenting group specifically for single parents. I find it ironic that many complain of feeling out of place in a regular mother and toddler group and then go on to set up a support group which excludes people in relationships.

metrovelvet wrote: »

Parenting alone is hard. Parenting alone with a hostile other parent who doesnt parent but wants to destoy you is even harder. I would take option A.

You've never experienced option A so how can you say it's better or worse or that you'd prefer it?

Fittle

metrovelvet wrote: »

Fittle it could be a lot worse.

It could also be alot better. Our children could be growing up knowing and being loved by their absent parent, as well as the one who is present.

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

This "who has it harder" thing bugs me.

It's not what support groups are about. it's not competition as to who has it harder. Parenting is hard. Parenting alone is hard. Parenting with a hostile ex is hard. Parenting with a co=parent is hard.
Each has it's own issues and problems and there is nothing worse than where someone comes and says they are struggling or finding it hard or not liking it and someone else tells them they find it easy or that they are wrong to feel that way.
Everyone has their own likes and dislikes and preferences and personal situations.

This is why I always hated single parenting groups as I always found them full of people just looking to win the "who has it worst" competition.
In fact, I quite dislike the idea of a parenting group specifically for single parents. I find it ironic that many complain of feeling out of place in a regular mother and toddler group and then go on to set up a support group which excludes people in relationships.


You've never experienced option A so how can you say it's better or worse or that you'd prefer it?

I dont lik the idea of a particularised terminology. Married mothers are just mothers,but unwed mothers, the mothers of children out of wedlock get a deviant terminology, and I'm not going to validate it by ghettosing myself into a 'support' group for a particularised group.

Yes, I get that people crave and need empathy, it is the huge step to moving forward, to getting through things, just to hear an understanding voice, but the thing is, there is no guarantee you will get this from these groups when everyone is starved for the same human need, like ash says, it can turn into a sufferring competitition, because everyone is starved for the same thing. So I'd rather go to a shrink myself rather than seek nourishment from other starved individuals.

metrovelvet

Fittle wrote: »

It could also be alot better. Our children could be growing up knowing and being loved by their absent parent, as well as the one who is present.

You are absolutely right, it could be and it should be. But it isnt. Why pipe dream? It sucks, its not right, its an injustice, totally with you on all of it.

The only way out of the abyss of this is to look at what you do have, what your child has and to come to accept it.

It violates all we grow up with, all we have learned that a parent doesnt always love their children. It seems monstrous and abhorrent because its such an anethema to most of our values, but the truth is you cant make one person love another, even if they are family. And instead of feeling deprived about it, the only choice I feel I have is to move through it, accept it, and count my blessings. That is the only way out for me. Otherwise, I could sink in it.

ash23

metrovelvet wrote: »

I dont lik the idea of a particularised terminology. Married mothers are just mothers,but unwed mothers, the mothers of children out of wedlock get a deviant terminology, and I'm not going to validate it by ghettosing myself into a 'support' group for a particularised group.

Yes, I get that people crave and need empathy, it is the huge step to moving forward, to getting through things, just to hear an understanding voice, but the thing is, there is no guarantee you will get this from these groups when everyone is starved for the same human need, like ash says, it can turn into a sufferring competitition, because everyone is starved for the same thing. So I'd rather go to a shrink myself rather than seek nourishment from other starved individuals.

But you do it too. You might not realise it but you did it in your last post, telling fittle she doesn't have it as hard as you do.
I wouldn't think to tell someone who has a co-parent that they have it easier, nor would I think to tell someone who is married that they have it easier.
They do in certain aspects but not in others.

we'llallhavetea_old

Fittle wrote: »

It could also be alot better. Our children could be growing up knowing and being loved by their absent parent, as well as the one who is present.

its all a bit fantastical sounding to me.

yes, my child could be growing up with her mammy and her father, but that would be a much worse situation than the current one.

the reality of it is that my ex was not a good parent or person, so i look at it from a realistic pov. i'm not one to get swept up in fantasies where he is a good parent and how things could have been different because it does no good.

i'm not having a go fittle btw, i dont know your current situation, maybe the father of your child was/is a good man and you would be better off with him still in your life.

Fittle

metrovelvet wrote: »

You are absolutely right, it could be and it should be. But it isnt. Why pipe dream?

I'm not dreaming at all. My dreaming days were over years ago.

I just also think this 'it could be worse' lark is another excuse we tell ourselves to get past the pain.

I agree with ash about the parenting groups - I have found supports through school and friends I have made there over the years. I think to join a Parenting Alone Group would be to victimise ourselves (and by default, our kids).

I do understand the OP's first post though - I felt exactly the same when my child was tiny - but I think, as they got older, we realise alot of our 'woes' are the woes of all parents, and not just those who are parenting alone.

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

But you do it too. You might not realise it but you did it in your last post, telling fittle she doesn't have it as hard as you do.
I wouldn't think to tell someone who has a co-parent that they have it easier, nor would I think to tell someone who is married that they have it easier.
They do in certain aspects but not in others.

Where did I tell her that? I never told her I had it harder than she had. I just said it could be worse, which it can. You could have a child with cancer for example.

I dont mean to demean or devalue someone's experiences by saying those things, it's just something I focus on.

RachaelVO

Gotta say, reading through this thread, I don't envy any single parent out there. I have two (2 and 4), and they are the absolute light of my life, but I'm glad I have my hubby at the end of the day! I am with them the majority of the time, but at least towards the end of the day I can have an adult conversation!

I think the idea of a boards single parents group is a great one, we all need a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on, a decent cuppa and every once in a while a chocolate biccie to go with it. Not to mention the fact that it's just good to have someone to natter with!

greengirl31

baraca wrote: »

That's a bit unfair and not necessarly true.

It was a general statement and it is my opinion. I have often found that the mother will take care about the littler things that Dad would not really think about ... They support each other but find the the mother usually takes the lead ... I'm not saying it as a bad thing I just think it's the way it is !!

But I know that is not true in all cases but I've found it to be true in the majority ....

Fittle

we'llallhavetea wrote: »

its all a bit fantastical sounding to me.

yes, my child could be growing up with her mammy and her father, but that would be a much worse situation than the current one.

the reality of it is that my ex was not a good parent or person, so i look at it from a realistic pov. i'm not one to get swept up in fantasies where he is a good parent and how things could have been different because it does no good.

i'm not having a go fittle btw, i dont know your current situation, maybe the father of your child was/is a good man and you would be better off with him still in your life.

I know you're not having a go;)

And I know my posts might be coming across as a bit 'woe is me' - which isn't my intention at all!! I 100% agree that in my own case, my child is who is is because of me - I know all the good stuff, I really do. But I think we often try to get ourselves through the hardship by coming up with these expressions....and I think particularly when the kids are tiny, it's difficult not to wallow in the sadness of having a child who's other parent doesn't love them (I'm referring to the OP here).

One of my best friends has a husband, two children, three homes, a fabulous job and 3 cars (don't ask!). And hand on heart, I would not swap my life with hers for one second. Her husband is the most un-supportive idiot of a man I have ever had the displeasure to know - he has no interest in his children, expects a round of applause if he so much as buys them a McD's etc. So I know life could be worse, as I see it every day in her life.

I don't know what I'm trying to say....anyway, sorry OP - I don't know if you got much support for your single mothers support group

ash23

metrovelvet wrote: »

Where did I tell her that? I never told her I had it harder than she had. I just said it could be worse, which it can. You could have a child with cancer for example.

I dont mean to demean or devalue someone's experiences by saying those things, it's just something I focus on.

Parenting alone is hard. Parenting alone with a hostile other parent who doesnt parent but wants to destoy you is even harder. I would take option A.

You said given the choice between what you have and what she has, you'd choose what she has, ergo you have it worse.Thats very dismissive of what Fittle was saying about how she feels about being a single parent. I don't think it's fair to dismiss someone saying how they feel with a "could be worse". if goes against the whole idea of a "support" group.

metrovelvet

Fittle wrote: »

I know you're not having a go;)

And I know my posts might be coming across as a bit 'woe is me' - which isn't my intention at all!! I 100% agree that in my own case, my child is who is is because of me - I know all the good stuff, I really do. But I think we often try to get ourselves through the hardship by coming up with these expressions....and I think particularly when the kids are tiny, it's difficult not to wallow in the sadness of having a child who's other parent doesn't love them (I'm referring to the OP here).

One of my best friends has a husband, two children, three homes, a fabulous job and 3 cars (don't ask!). And hand on heart, I would not swap my life with hers for one second. Her husband is the most un-supportive idiot of a man I have ever had the displeasure to know - he has no interest in his children, expects a round of applause if he so much as buys them a McD's etc. So I know life could be worse, as I see it every day in her life.

I don't know what I'm trying to say....anyway, sorry OP - I don't know if you got much support for your single mothers support group

I know what you are trying to say - and yes other people's woes certainly do not fill the bog void left by an absent parent. There is no doubt about that. You dont sound woe is me at all, and there is nothing wrong with acknowedging that the whole thing is not right, because it isn't right.

But, then what do we do with that? I feel that with all of that, I have no choice but to find a creative solution to it, to find the luminosity in it-whereever it may be- and weave it together into something that will be good for my son. What other choice is there?

we'llallhavetea_old

Fittle wrote: »

I know you're not having a go;)

And I know my posts might be coming across as a bit 'woe is me' - which isn't my intention at all!! I 100% agree that in my own case, my child is who is is because of me - I know all the good stuff, I really do. But I think we often try to get ourselves through the hardship by coming up with these expressions....and I think particularly when the kids are tiny, it's difficult not to wallow in the sadness of having a child who's other parent doesn't love them (I'm referring to the OP here).

One of my best friends has a husband, two children, three homes, a fabulous job and 3 cars (don't ask!). And hand on heart, I would not swap my life with hers for one second. Her husband is the most un-supportive idiot of a man I have ever had the displeasure to know - he has no interest in his children, expects a round of applause if he so much as buys them a McD's etc. So I know life could be worse, as I see it every day in her life.

I don't know what I'm trying to say....anyway, sorry OP - I don't know if you got much support for your single mothers support group

you see i never seen it as a hardship at the time, looking back i can see that i didnt really have much of a life for myself and would never have another child and go back to that but tbh, i just didnt find it that difficult. i know i am very lucky with a great family as support though, so maybe thats it.

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

You said given the choice between what you have and what she has, you'd choose what she has, ergo you have it worse.Thats very dismissive of what Fittle was saying about how she feels about being a single parent. I don't think it's fair to dismiss someone saying how they feel with a "could be worse". if goes against the whole idea of a "support" group.

No I never said that. One because I never said I had option B myself. I just said between these two options one is harder than the other. You assumed that I have option B.

ash23

metrovelvet wrote: »

No I never said that. One because I never said I had option B myself. I just said between these two options one is harder than the other. You assumed that I have option B.

I don't assume. It's what you have, going on other posts you've mentioned it before. You've often said you'd rather have no parent involved than a parent who flits in and out etc.
And I disagree that one is harder. Each has it's own advantages and disadvantages.

Fittle

we'llallhavetea wrote: »

i just didnt find it that difficult. i know i am very lucky with a great family as support though, so maybe thats it.

Yep, there is a huge difference if you have family support - monstrous. I have a friend who had her child around the same time as mine, she regularly compares our lives as women who are 'on their own' etc and genuinely believes we have the same lifestyle!!

She spends her days in her mothers house, works p/t while her child is in school (so has no childcare costs), has 3 sisters living in close proximity so has never paid a penny for babysitting and can go anywhere and everywhere without even attempting to think about who will mind her daughter. I envy her lifestyle and genuinely wish I had anything remotely like it!

So yes, it's hugely different if you don't have family support.

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

I don't assume. It's what you have, going on other posts you've mentioned it before. You've often said you'd rather have no parent involved than a parent who flits in and out etc.
And I disagree that one is harder. Each has it's own advantages and disadvantages.

Oh ash 23, you are confounding things terribly.

Having been on both sides of option A and Option B I can say that that having no parent involved than one trying to destroy you is definitely easier. Secondly, having another adult trying to destroy you is not the same thing as a flit in and out other parent. Not the same at all. Im not talking about flit in and out parents, Im talking about something else, things which could be worse, like a child with cancer.

we'llallhavetea_old

Fittle wrote: »

Yep, there is a huge difference if you have family support - monstrous. I have a friend who had her child around the same time as mine, she regularly compares our lives as women who are 'on their own' etc and genuinely believes we have the same lifestyle!!

She spends her days in her mothers house, works p/t while her child is in school (so has no childcare costs), has 3 sisters living in close proximity so has never paid a penny for babysitting and can go anywhere and everywhere without even attempting to think about who will mind her daughter. I envy her lifestyle and genuinely wish I had anything remotely like it!

So yes, it's hugely different if you don't have family support.

ah, ok, that is massively sh!tty alright. i dunno how she can compare her situation to yours tbh, if my family and friends were gone in the morning i honestly don't know how i would cope. so, er, i am done with the badgering now

ash23

metrovelvet wrote: »

Oh ash 23, you are confounding things terribly.

Having been on both sides of option A and Option B I can say that that having no parent involved than one trying to destroy you is definitely easier. Secondly, having another adult trying to destroy you is not the same thing as a flit in and out other parent. Not the same at all. Im not talking about flit in and out parents, Im talking about something else, things which could be worse, like a child with cancer.

Right whatever...so everytime something happens to someone we'll say "it could be worse, your child could be terminally ill". Get over it, you could be dying.
It makes no sense to support someone by telling them things could be worse. I mean obviously things could be worse. We could all be living in a third world country, watching our kids starve to death.

I find it a total insult to tell people who are posting for support that it could be worse. Thats not advice and it's not support. It doesn't do anything for the person other than make them feel guilty for being concerned about their own problems.

Personally you found one option easier than another. I have a different experience. i don't presume to say you're wrong to find one easier. you've your own issues and experiences. But I just dislike the whole "could be worse" as a form of "advice".
It's not supportive, it's dismissive.

I hate single parenting. It's crap and I don't like it. Of course it could be worse but that doesn't mean I'm going to like it any more than I do now.

RachaelVO

Wow, in a few short posts this thread is really starting to degenerate. Lots of sniping going on! I think some of the "sniping" posts are going off topic, and the thread will end up closed if ye don't stop, and I don't think that's too fair on the OP and some of the other posters!

greengirl31

This is what I don't like about single parents "support" groups/threads ... Eventually it turns into a "who has it worse" situation, be it between mothers and fathers or other mothers.

Personally, I don't like being labelled as a single mother - I'm a mother, and I don't think I should be treated any different to any other mother. I think single mothers an element of being a victim and I don't like to see myself as a victim. I do have alot of family support though and I might have a completely different attitude if that was not the case but I digress ...

In an Ideal world, me and my ex would still be together (and he wouldn't be the spineless twit that he is), My daughter would have the love and support of both her parents and everything would be wonderful. But, there are 2 parent families where one parent does the lions share of the parenting and we all know a family like this ...

For me though, I would like to have a boyfriend/partner, but not to share the parenting - I can do that all my myself. I'd like one for me - As support for me, to share my life with, Maybe it'll happen some day but for now, I'm happy with my lot :-)

hacked

WOWWEEE! I think some of the posts on here are really really harsh to be honest with you.

As for the single parenting thing. Yes, its very hard that my daughter doesn't get to grow up with a dad that loves her, but so what? It's actually not the worst thing in the world. I grew up with a dad, and you know what? I would have been much better off growing up in a one parent family! Growing up with a father who was no good was more damaging that not growing up with one at all.
And besides, i wont be alone forever. Someday i'll meet someone and get married, and when that happens I would like to think he could adopt my daughter, and we could have a proper family. Maybe not conventional, but one full of love I hope. With that said, it might never happen, but we all know theres more than one way to have a family!

Yes, I'm a single parent, no I don't regret it or find it so hard i feel teh need to whine all the time. I don't think most single parents feel that way (at least not the ones ive met!) ACTUALLY, its the parents who aren't single that make it this big ordeal. When I talk to them they treat me with special care sometimes, act like i must have it so tough, ask about her father etc. I Don't want to talk about that any of that. I love my life, i love my daughter. The only little complaints i have are the same ones every parent has...single or otherwise....the house always being a mess, feeling tired, always being busy!

I think a single parent group would be great. I do attend normal mother toddler groups, and i enjoy them, but there IS a difference. Some people do feel sorry for you, they do go oooh that must be so hard, and no, they don't understand where you are coming from sometimes because they dont have the same situation. It can make you feel a little off at times, not that thats a bad thing. I woiuld never exclude those groups, as its all for the benefit of my daughter.

I don't see how we're pigeonholing ourselves. All I Would like to do is meet other people in my situation where I can just go along and feel COMFTORABLE and know people will understand they i dont want to talk about situation and the whole long story about what happened with my daughters father!! If people are goingto be going to moan and cry and swap sob stories, they are looking for the wrong thing. I would just like to meet some cool people in similiar circumstances i can be friends with and just hang out....