sarah again

LegacyUser

I started the thread about my boyfriend's bad behaviour but my thread has been closed. I have no idea why as I said it was helping me to write about it but now I can't even do that. So I guess I'll have to start another thread??

Anyway thanks to those of you who offered some kinder advice, the words up to now have hurt me so much during an already horrible time in my life.

I didn't have the heart to write earlier today as I'm hurting so much now after yesterday.

I went down to where he lives yesterday evening. I had hoped to talk to him but turns out the other woman LIVES with him there. I can't believe it. No one can.

I stayed in his house for a couple of days a few months back as I was trying to work on our relationship when i felt he was being distant after not texting for a few days after always texting daily before.

He had told me he lived with the lads from work but turns out one of those 'lads' is this girl from work. I saw girls clothes in the house at the time as I did a cleanup while they were all at work. Where was she hiding then?? Did she deliberately not stay there during those days I was there?? I was cleaning their messy house (NO sign of a female there) but I saw girls socks, underwear and stuff in a closet and I mentioned it to my bf at the time and he said that it was belong to one of the lads girlfriends and they used to use the room he had now. When he said one of the lads he was talking about himself! And the worst part is that I feel like so many people knew. I went to christmas parties at his company with him and he told me there were none in the past 2 years but now i see pics on facebook so there were but i don't see him in any of the pics so far. BUT when i did go to 2 previous xmas parties and i also went to some weddings and there were so many comments about 'oh you brought your other girlfriend' and men laughing about it but I confronted him about this this evening and he says they were just joking, there was nothing going on, they were just friends, blah blah. I do want to believe him but I'm not sure if I can.

When i stayed down there a few months ago I gave him sex. In THERE bed. I thought it was OUR bed. I didn't wash the sheets until I the day I was going home and thinking back he was really off the whole time i was there. I slept in there dirty sheets
I just feel totally numb and in shock. I don't know what to think. IF he thought we were broken up what was I doing there?? Why didn't he block me from entering the house??

That week I was there he said he was working really late which i thought was weird and he didn't even come home until really late at night which upset me at the time. There were so many things I didnt cop onto at the time and now they are really upsetting me.
One other thing is that he had loads of man problems in bed that week and then we didnt have sex for a long time after because of the other incident. He obv wasnt even attracted to me but I thought it was something wrong with him and worried about him. Can't believe that now.


So lst night I just talked to him at the door for a few min as my mum was in the car, his 'woman' was inside the house and watching, i could see her look out the door from the sitting room to where we were and he wouldn't even open the door fully. He just stuck his head out. I totally caught him off guard by going there which was good enough for him but honestly i think it upset me more than him as he obv doesn't care anymore.

He says he gave up trying to end it, had tried loads of times a year ago but seemed to deny that he's been cheating. It was the most secret ending it I've ever encountered as only he knew it was ending it! I know this is all just excuses for him now but I cant believe he'd say that while she is there listening last night. I know she was listening to everything I could hear the door creak open and I saw her stick her head out several times.

So this girl knew all along about me. How could you do that to another person. Why steal someone elses man ? THere are loads of men in the world. I really treated him like a King and I hate to say it now but I really am beginning to regret all of the work I put into our relationship

We've gone in days from thinking of our future to me seeing he already has a future with some other girl.

Otis Driftwood

Hiya Sarah,its common practice to lock threads on this forum that the OP (original poster,in this case you) hasnt been around in for a while but as Oryx said,its ok to start a new one so we have approved it for you.

LegacyUser

But I was around. I last posted yesterday evening and when I tried to post today my thread was closed! Do I have to post in under 24 hours or it will be closed?

Ickle Magoo

sarahgonegone wrote: »

But I was around. I last posted yesterday evening and when I tried to post today my thread was closed! Do I have to post in under 24 hours or it will be closed?

There is no min or max posting time, threads will be left open as long as the advice is being listened to and it isn't turning into a repetitive blog which is annoying the posters who take the time and effort to reply to issues posted - or all sensible advice on that particular issue has been offered and the thread is just meandering pointlessly, which is what happened in the other thread.

Now, baring in mind all the advice you have already received, what specifically do you want advice on here?

wow, seriously wow!!
this guy is obviously a spineless coward.
he should have sat you down long ago and been completely honest with you.
he wasnt though and you need to accept that and move on.

you will never get on with your life if you sit around thinking 'how could he do this' etc etc.
seriously, forget about him, he does not deserve another second of your life.

just one thing though, and this is not harsh, i do feel maybe you didnt see what was going on in this 'relationship' for a long long time. perhaps you were too focused on your future plans, your house, your children etc.
he clearly wasnt the catch you thought.

you got some great advice in the other thread. move out, get your own place, get some independance and learn to depend on yourself.
its a fantastic feeling to know you can do anything you want, that you can rely on yourself.

use this as a new life-start.
and by the way, i have no problem with marraige, kids etc or someone wanting those things, in fact i want them myself, i know however i have my own life, im strong and if i ever meet the right person we can rely on each other.

go out there, and dont even think about looking back.

Sardonicat

Ah, Sarah, I'm sorry you went through that. I was really hoping you woudn't go there but you obviously felt you had to. You discoverd what I had half expected from the info you gave in your other posts. And this is what makes me worried for you. It was clear to me and a lot of other people that this guy had been living with this woman for some time. We came to this conclusion purely from the information you gave in your posts, yet you didn't seem to be able to see it. I'm not saying that is your fault. Everyone (myself, included) has been in denial over something at some point in their lives, but Sarah, why can you not direct your anger at this scumbag? It would seem that you were the other woman (innocently) for years. You were reffered to publicly as the other girlfriend. The girl living with him is his girlfriend. He was too much of a wimp to make this explicit to you. He took advantage of your inablity to take hints to get some sex and have his house cleaned. Think about that.

He let you into his home,(while his girlfriend was away,) slept with you and allowed you to clean up after them and wash their dirty sheets .He did that to you, not her, he did. He more than likely refers to you as the psycho ex who won't let go. He is a grade A spineless prick who had been taken full advantage of you.
Please think about finding a counsellor to talk over your feelings. your whole world had been rocked and it seems that you were clinging on to a version of reality that most people would have realised was a farce. I'm not saying that to hurt you, it's coming from a place of concern. Take it from me, you should be concerned that this has come as a shock to you and you really need to address that.

Please, please, please, don't try to talk to this wanker again. You are better than he is. You have been very naieve, but that is not a crime.You can learn from this and become wise and strong.

I am a friend

Sardonicat wrote: »

He took advantage of your inablity to take hints to get some sex and have his house cleaned.

He let you into his home,(while his girlfriend was away,) slept with you and allowed you to clean up after them and wash their dirty sheets

Yeah OP - you will realise in time, and I hope sooner rather than later, that you have dodged a bullet here..

Arent you so lucky to be rid of a guy who would treat someone (you especially) like that? Its not the girls fault but I would not like to be in her shoes... She is next for the same treatment as a leopard doesnt change his spots... Mind yourself.

Neyite

Sarah, Hope you are doing a little better today. I know the temptation to try to get the answers from him should have been resisted, but I hope you got some closure.

The two of them deserve each other - and she will end up being treated the same down the road. Let them off.

Now you go into post-break up mode - Delete his number, throw out all mementos of your time together, or if you are not ready to do that put them in a box and up in the attic out of sight. I found getting my thoughts out in a journal helpful - I "wrote" letters to him (but never sent) in it.

You need to focus on you - plan your life. My concern from your previous thread was that your sole aim is to be a wife and mother, and I gather nothing else. This, I think you should give some serious thought to. I would be genuinely curious to see if a man would see that fully maintaining another adult financially for the rest of their lives is something they would consider. Maybe some male posters can give you their input on that one.

Mc Kenzie

some people are morons. They want the best of both worlds. obviously was only thinking of himself when he was seeing two girls.

I know you going to be questioningeverything for a while, but eventually youll give up and start to accept ..he was an ass!

It is so cowardly not to have made it clear to you that it was over.

All is i say is that you are better off without someone like this. You deserve someone who really cares about you and loves you.

Some guys just make me sick:mad:.......(:D)

qwerty13

But was he 'seeing' two girls? He has said that he tried to end it repeatedly, so much so that he gave up trying. Having sex with you doesn't sound like he was 'seeing you'; sounds to me like he was cheating on her by being with you; not the other way around.

Maybe his girlfriend (and I don't mean the OP) was hiding behind a door because she is quite afraid of his ex, who clearly won't let him go?

LegacyUser

Try to move on, Sara. You've been lied to, repeatedly, and by more than "the jerk". It's fairly clear he has a circle of friends and family who know what has been going on. His mother cannot be much better, either.

Get these septic people out of your life. Live a little, live a lot and you will meet someone who will treat you right.


(And, you don't "give" a man sex. It's something shared between two people.)

squonk

Hi Sarah, It's good to see you're moving on a bit. You know, showing up and catching him on the hop like that was probably a good thing for you to do. At least you can see first hand what sort of scumbag he really is. No decent fella would act like this so you really were unlucky.

You sound like a really nice, thoughtful, caring girl though so that will always come across and you'll meet someone else in time who really appreciates allthe things you have to offer.

For now, keep going and hang in there. It's tough I know. I've never been through this myself but a lot of us have had our world whipped out from under us in different ways at times so I know it's very tough but a bit of distance will help you to get over this. It'll take a good bit of time though but you'll come out the other end being a much tougher cookie and far better for having had the experience. I know that sounds strange now but believe me, it'll be true. Feel free to post here away as I won't have forgotten you and I'd doubt a few others will either. Keep the chin up!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the comments.

I'm really sad today that he hasnt even texted or bothered to make contact at all.

I know thats crazy but i wanted to think he'd be worried about me but nothing.

His mum is being wonderful, so worried about me and so kind.

I can't believe after all these years it was all a lie and i keep asking myself how long is this going on. A few months? A year? Years? Since the beginning?

Miss Fluff

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I'm really sad today that he hasnt even texted or bothered to make contact at all.

I know, and that's natural to feel like that. BUT were he to get in touch I think it would only instill false hope that he actually cares and I don't think that would be helpful to you at all.

I'd surround yourself with your friends and your OWN mother rather than leaning on his.

Him not being in contact is genuinely the best thing that could happen to you. It might not seem like that Sarah when you feel your world has crumbled down around your ears but finally making a clean break from this man will hopefully enable you to start living your OWN life for YOU as opposed to pinning all your hopes and dreams on a man and a situation that is entirely untenable.

Keep the chin up.

ceadaoin.

He didn't have the guts to tell you that you weren't his girlfriend for a couple of years, he's hardly going to contact you now to see if you are OK. I know it must be really hard to discover that the life you thought you had was a lie but you need to stop waiting for him. This waste of space doesn't derserve anymore of your time.

Most people on the original thread came to the conclusion from the info you gave that this guy was living with the work colleague and that she was his girlfriend, yet you refused to listen to them. Even now you are trying to play down just how long this has been going on (the 'jokes' at the Xmas party were not jokes) At least now you have some sort of closure and know the truth. You need to stop blaming her. She didn't steal him from you. As far as she is concerned, you are that one that is trying to steal her man, not the other way around.

I hope you feel better soon and truly realise how despicable his behaviour has been and that you deserve better than this. Don't contact him anymore, that's the only way that you can start to get over him

Peanut2011

sarahgonegone wrote: »

Thanks for the comments.

I'm really sad today that he hasnt even texted or bothered to make contact at all.

I know thats crazy but i wanted to think he'd be worried about me but nothing.

His mum is being wonderful, so worried about me and so kind.

I can't believe after all these years it was all a lie and i keep asking myself how long is this going on. A few months? A year? Years? Since the beginning?

Sorry OP but unfortunately you really need a very obvious wake up call!! From what I have read so far in the last thread and this one you still don't seem to get it. Yes it's hard when someone ends a relationship and it takes some time to get over it.

I will give you that it is not easy and it will take you time. I do feel sorry that you are going trough that but at some point I think we all have one or the other way.

It would appear that your relationship was long over and you have been told on number of occasions. Even when you typed in your last thread that he told you it was over your next sentence was stating that you are not sure.

We have all judged him as a bad person and all that but I am beginning to think that the guy is not at fault. Seriously if ever an ex girlfriend of mine behaved like you do I would be looking for restraining order just so you would get the message.

You were so caught up in your own little world that you had planned out that for all we know he told you point blank it was over.

I am glad to see you are accepting the fact it is done and I do urge you to look at yourself, re-evaluate your own life and try to do what you can to grow from this experience.

It's not going to be easy but you need to start acting your age!

Jack B. Badd

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I'm really sad today that he hasnt even texted or bothered to make contact at all.

I know thats crazy but i wanted to think he'd be worried about me but nothing.

This is an understandable reaction at this stage but you should ask yourself how will him being in contact benefit you. Will it make you accept the breakup more readily or make you feel more capable of overcoming his treatment of you? How will it help you heal now that your relationship with him has ended?

Time & again people ask why, after a breakup, their ex-partner suddenly becomes cold, cuts contact & refuses to respond. The answer is that it's the healthier option. It may hurt but it's the faster route to healing. Maintaining contact, on the other hand, is picking at a scab - it retards healing and can very quickly become a toxic habit. This is the case even with amicable breakups which, by all accounts, this wasn't.

Good luck.

neuro-praxis

Sarah, I know that you will find what I am about to say to be harsh, but try and consider it "tough love". It is meant well and with your best interests at heart.

You are suffering from (a) delusion and (b) an extended childhood.

Even now, your attitude is that of a child's - you are hanging out of your ex-boyfriend's mother, lapping up her care and consideration, and wishing your ex would behave the same way. Do you not understand that you need to separate yourself from his entire family? For your sake and for his sake? You need to assert yourself as an adult and BACK OFF. You will not get him back by being a constant thorn in his side. Tell his mother and anyone else connected to him thanks for their care but that you need some space. Then stop contacting them, permanently. If you meet them in the street you can chat and say hello, but you are no longer entitled to close family-like relationships with the family of your ex. Do NOT ring or call round to them. That is now for his current girlfriend. Difficult for you, I know. You will need to grieve and move on.

You have been deluded long-term. You have chosen to see what you wanted to see. In post one you were certain marriage was on the cards and a few days later you've been dumped for the woman he has been seeing for months, maybe even years. You are not aware of what takes place in adult relationships. In adult relationships there is complete trust. Partners are each other's best friends. Sex is not something you withold or "give", it is a mutual experience that expresses your love. From the sounds of things, your relationship was an absolute disaster. Also, your description of him as "the man of your dreams" while simultaneously calling him "weak and easily led" demonstrates a cognitive dissonance. How can the man of your dreams also be weak? Is that what you have always dreamed of? You need a new dream. A bigger, better dream.

You also seem to feign not understanding things. Even with the closure of the last thread, the moderator explained clearly why it was closed. In this thread you claimed you had no idea why it was closed. You don't take responsibility for things. You behave like a victim. That needs to stop.

Let me tell you. Your life can and will get better. You currently have no self esteem, and to make matters worse, you have had a huge knock to your confidence. You need to make a decision to "woman up", stand up tall on your two feet, hold your head up high and focus on building a satisfying life for yourself. All your dreams were pinned on this moron. Why did you do that Sarah? Are you not worth more than that? You put all your eggs into one stinking, rotten basket. Never, ever do that again. Think of this as a learning experience.

There is one person in this scenario that you can rely on and that is YOU. Not your mother, not his mother, not your friends, not him. YOU. You need to give yourself what you need. You need to comfort yourself, look after yourself and show yourself some dignity and respect. Keep away from this man. Sit down and prepare a life-plan, that does not include him or his family. Build up your confidence. A confident, strong woman with a full life is always going to be attractive to others. Go for it, and the very best of luck.

greengirl31

Hi Sarah,

I posted on your original thread but and I was going to PM you this cause I don't want to distract attention from your issues but I just thought I'd share my story with you in the hope that you will see that you will get through this.

I knew my ex since we were children - him and his family lived across the road from us. I didn't know him well when we were growing up as there was 5 years between us but in our 20's we ended up working for the same company and at this stage he was married. Fast forward a few more years - Even though we worked in different depts we got on well and after a Christmas party one year he told me he was having issues with his wife - the usual speel - and we ended up having a drunken snog. I was mortified and told him at that stage to stay away from me that I wanted nothing to do with him or his wife or get stuck in the middle of their relationship. However over the coming months, he wore me down and by that I mean he told me all the things a girl obviously wants to hear when she's falling for someone. He told me that he and his wife had split up and he was trying to sort some issue out over the house before they could put it on the market. She did at one point contact me and when I confronted him he told me she was devastated and thought that their split was only temporary but it was me he loved me - blah blah blah ...
Over the next couple of years we were a couple. We went on weekends away, weddings and Christmases together and spent lots of time together. He's stay in my house a few nights a week - Within view of his own parents house- everyone we worked with knew about us so there was no sneaking around. So as far as I was concerned everything was above board. However, for all that we did do together, he'd cancel on me quite alot too and usually at the last minute and I'd be devastated. It got to the stage where I wouldn't tell anyone if I made plans with him cause I'd be mortified if he cancelled. But every time he cancelled he promised me that he'd make it up to me and tell me how terrible he felt. I ended it a couple of times but it only ever lasted a few weeks at most and in that time I missed him desperately !!

After about 2.5 yrs together, the house was finally on the market and it was in the middle of the boom so it was only a matter of time before it was sold. We started to look at our future in real terms. We had talked about starting a family and with now that the house was being sold we said we'd start to try cause It may not happen for ages. Around the same time, My dad got ill and he told me his mum wasn't well either so he became very distant and he told me it was because of family issues with his mum and I understood that. At the same time, my dad was seriously ill and I felt abandoned my him and told him so. We had planned a weekend away for my birthday and I told him if he didn't show up we were finished. He did show up and I got pregnant that weekend but obviously didn't realise until a few weeks later. In those weeks he went off the radar completely ( he had left the company we both worked for at that stage) . I was distraught but put it down to the family issues he was having. It was a week after I found out I was pregnant that I finally got to see him (after the w/e away) to tell him our wonderful news. He should've got an Oscar for the performance he put in then. He seemed genuinely over the moon but also told me he had been hospitalised cause he had a nervous breakdown and he just couldn't face getting in touch with me. This changed everything and it was giving him something positive to look forward to (his words).
All through my pregnancy, he claimed he was in hospital but never wanted me to visit cause he couldn't bare for me to see him in such a place and I was afraid to push for too much information incase I made him worse. I was so lonely and isolated at what should have been the happiest time of my life. When I was 8mts pregnant, My mum contacted his mum as we both found it strange she hadn't been in touch to see how I or the baby was considering this would be her first grandchild. When mum did speak to her - my world came crashing down!!
He had been with his wife all along except for a couple of times when she had thrown him out for a few weeks (looking back this is when he spent the most time with me) His parents knew about the baby but didn't want to tell his wife. His mum told me I should have been more careful and was shocked when I told her that we had planned this pregnancy !! I confronted him about this and he still didn't come clean saying that there was crossed wire somewhere and he'd sort it out... He TEXT me the next day to say he was sorry and he hadn't wanted things to turn out like this !!!!!!!
Like I said, I was absolutely devastated and that only begins to describe how I felt. I had a physical pain in my chest like there was a hollow inside it. I could not understand how somebody could be so cruel to another person and how the hell did I miss all the warning bells. In hindsight I can see that I didn't miss them but I chose to ignore them.
I did eventually see him about 2 weeks later to get some answers but at that stage it was too late - I couldn't believe a word he said. The following week my little girl was born and so began the longest and toughest journey of my life.
I had invested my whole future in this guy, we were having a family, a home and we were going to be happy. But he was gone now and I was literally left holding the baby. I was like a rabbit trapped in headlights!! I talked and talked but I could make no sense of the whole situation - it was like something you'd see on eastenders !! About 6 months later, I went to a professional councillor and found that fantastic. I didn't go straight away cause it was all too raw and I just wasn't ready to heal yet. But I started to get better .... It wasn't so hard to get up every day, I started to laugh a bit more and I started to get my self esteem and confidence back. It didn't happen overnight though and I do still have wobbles but I keep telling myself that I had a lucky escape - the lies he told and the lives he's ruined !!! He has no contact with our Daughter (his decision) but I am still in touch for maintenance issues although I wish I didn't have to have quite so much contact.

You will get over this - It won't be easy though and will take alot of effort on your part. You say you're close to your family and that's going to be great for you over the coming months. Distance yourself from his mother cause ultimately she'll take his side and you'll see in time that she's known more than she was letting on ... Lick your wounds for a while and then dust yourself off and carry on. Go to see a professional when you're ready (they're worth EVERY PENNY) and do not give this man the power to ruin you. You're still a young woman and although you don't see it now you have your whole life ahead of you.

Best of luck Sarah and take care x

ztoical

sarahgonegone wrote: »

So this girl knew all along about me. How could you do that to another person. Why steal someone elses man ? THere are loads of men in the world. I really treated him like a King and I hate to say it now but I really am beginning to regret all of the work I put into our relationship

What jumps out at me from this post and the other thread OP is that you still think it's this other girls fault and that she has some how come in and runined your fairy tale relationship with the rich handsome man. You excuse him cheating on the other thread by claiming all men cheat [they dont BTW] and that once married he wouldn't do it anymore. You started your other thread going on about how you were on the verge of getting married but the more you post it becomes more and more clear that you hardly know this man and it sounds like the majority of this perfect fairy tale relationship was in your head [and maybe partly his mothers] From the sound of your posts it sounds this guy picked you up for a one night stand and you invented a relationship from this. He saw you as an easy lay for a bit but then saw you were reading far too much into things - you want to be the house wife with the big house, money, kids and handsome husband and have blinkers on to stop you seeing anything but this. He sounds like a d!ck all right but you also sound like you have issues with deadling with people and with paranoia and are emotionally obsessed. You might consider speaking with your GP about a referral to psychologist. I'm sure you'll ignore this and think I'm being cruel but I really don't care, you sound like you need professional help outside your mother and his mother.

greengiant09

ztoical wrote: »

You might consider speaking with your GP about a referral to psychologist. I'm sure you'll ignore this and think I'm being cruel but I really don't care, you sound like you need professional help outside your mother and his mother.

i actually agree with this. not trying to be mean either but you obviously don't have the clarity or ability to deal with this situation yourself.

Chinafoot

Peanut2011 wrote: »

We have all judged him as a bad person and all that but I am beginning to think that the guy is not at fault. Seriously if ever an ex girlfriend of mine behaved like you do I would be looking for restraining order just so you would get the message.

While I agree with the majority of your post I definitely do not agree with this. In Sarah's first post on the other thread she mentioned how they had had sex the weekend before she posted. This is not the action of someone who ended the relationship long ago. If they were still having sex she had every right to think that there was something between them. He has been using both of these women but has clearly now made his choice. He is a spineless cowardly arsehole who was happy to have the relationship with his girlfriend and also have sex with the OP.

Sarah, please heed the advice you have been given in both threads. Your relationship with this man was a farce but that was his doing. Yes you should have seen the obvious signs and you should have had the cop on to walk away but he strung you along completely. He has abused both your trust and your feelings and you clearly don't have the self-esteem needed to be in an adult relationship. Please consider speaking to a counsellor. If you don't seek help for your low self-worth you will repeat the same mistakes for years to come.

I get that you want to have a family and a husband and a house. I really do. I want those things too someday, but I want those things with my boyfriend, because I love him. My relationship with him is what leads me to wanting those things, I don't have a relationship with him because I want those things. There is an enormous difference. You are so young and you can't map your life out like this. Things can change in a heartbeat. You will get your nice husband and family but only if you open yourself up to actually having a proper relationship with someone who deserves you. If your sole intention is to get the things you want, you won't find the man you want.

Please speak to someone about this. You need to accept that your relationship isn't what you thought and that things have changed and aren't going to pan out the way you had hoped. Ask yourself if it's him you want or what you thought he was going to give you.

Look after yourself Sarah, nobody is going to do that for you.

joseywhales

Chinafoot wrote: »

While I agree with the majority of your post I definitely do not agree with this. In Sarah's first post on the other thread she mentioned how they had had sex the weekend before she posted. This is not the action of someone who ended the relationship long ago. If they were still having sex she had every right to think that there was something between them. He has been using both of these women but has clearly now made his choice. He is a spineless cowardly arsehole who was happy to have the relationship with his girlfriend and also have sex with the OP.

Sarah, please heed the advice you have been given in both threads. Your relationship with this man was a farce but that was his doing. Yes you should have seen the obvious signs and you should have had the cop on to walk away but he strung you along completely. He has abused both your trust and your feelings and you clearly don't have the self-esteem needed to be in an adult relationship. Please consider speaking to a counsellor. If you don't seek help for your low self-worth you will repeat the same mistakes for years to come.

I get that you want to have a family and a husband and a house. I really do. I want those things too someday, but I want those things with my boyfriend, because I love him. My relationship with him is what leads me to wanting those things, I don't have a relationship with him because I want those things. There is an enormous difference. You are so young and you can't map your life out like this. Things can change in a heartbeat. You will get your nice husband and family but only if you open yourself up to actually having a proper relationship with someone who deserves you. If your sole intention is to get the things you want, you won't find the man you want.

Please speak to someone about this. You need to accept that your relationship isn't what you thought and that things have changed and aren't going to pan out the way you had hoped. Ask yourself if it's him you want or what you thought he was going to give you.

Look after yourself Sarah, nobody is going to do that for you.

I still am surprised everytime someone is surprised that I still don't have any emotional attachment despite the fact that we just had sex.

Like I don't get it, men are very capable of love obviously and can be completely emotionally attached to someone but we can also have sex and see someone, respecting or not their choice but not feeling anything whatsoever toward them, affectionately. So many times this causes pain and misunderstanding. I've said it directly to women who reacted as if I was the scum of the earth and I've had women who have been in the opposite position, when I was developing some feelings for them, who wouldn't just tell me, what is this big mystery and why can't people man up?


I wish it was as straightforward as business, which I might add is the second most inefficient process associated with humans.

Anyway, I know where to begin but it might be too far back.
Who are you and what do you want to do with your piece of time?
This?

LegacyUser

I do love my bf very very deeply. Obviously now that is falling apart, but I wasn't with him and so dedicated to him just for the house and kids. I wanted those things WITH him because i loved him so much. I know I will never love someone as much again as i will be scared of getting hurt like this, this will damage me forever.

I almost feel guilty now about the last few times we had sex which goes back over months and months because i feel like i almost forced him to. It was a big discussion every time as i didn't understand why he was avoiding me at the end of the night and why he wouldnt touch me, I thought he was just tired as it was late every time.
Surely this other woman deserves to know what he's like?? I wish someone had told me. Should I let her know or do you think she knows already that he slept with me??

Still no contact from him which surprises me even though it shouldn't.

ztoical

Chinafoot wrote: »

While I agree with the majority of your post I definitely do not agree with this. In Sarah's first post on the other thread she mentioned how they had had sex the weekend before she posted. This is not the action of someone who ended the relationship long ago. If they were still having sex she had every right to think that there was something between them. He has been using both of these women but has clearly now made his choice. He is a spineless cowardly arsehole who was happy to have the relationship with his girlfriend and also have sex with the OP.

The thing is we only have the OP's side of things and the more they post the less trusting I am of their version of events. We have no idea what his relationship with his girlfriend is (by GF I mean the women he is living with not the OP). She went from being some women at work who was moving in on the OPs future husband but now it turns she is living with him in, according to the OP, a house beside his mothers house whom the OP claims is as confused as her. We have no idea what this relationship is like, they could very well have an open relationship for all any of us know. Maybe he is just a d!ck whose been sleeping with the OP while in a relationship and wasn't aware that the OP would take the situation up as incorrectly as she clearly has but then the OP also said he tired to end what ever it was they has a number of times but she didn't understand or comprehend the situation so who knows what else she has misunderstood. I don't want to play armchair psychologist but several of the OPs comments are frankly worrying and they need to speak to someone totally removed from the situation in person not via an Internet forum.

LegacyUser

Noooo. You've got it all wrong.

The other woman is not living with him in the house he and i were involved with next to his mum's.

He works down the country, 3 or 4 hours down south. So he stays down there during the week in a house with lads from work, I believed. I even stayed in the house a while back and there was no girls living there that I saw but I guess she was there even then as there were girls clothes in the closet and I know for fact that she owned one of the sweaters I found as I saw her in pics wearing it.

I found out last night via facebook that they even have a dog together in the house he rents down south!! That means they must be together for a long time! She put up a comment about there dog being sick and put pics of them walking it. She knows her page is fully open so shes prob doing that on purpose for me to see it and see how happy they are.


He only built the house next to his mum more recently and i was very involved in the build. i was on site all the time while he was away working! i know more about that house than him! I talked to the builders, not him.

She stayed there last weekend but not before then, she just came home with him last weekend.

But the house i went to talk to him the other night was the one down south.

I'm coming to terms with the situation and feeling better about it today.

I_choose_life

One other thing is that he had loads of man problems in bed that week and then we didnt have sex for a long time after because of the other incident. He obv wasnt even attracted to me but I thought it was something wrong with him and worried about him. Can't believe that now.

So everyone is throwing blame at the "boyfriend" for sleeping with the OP the week before but by the sounds of things he really didn't want to be sleeping with her at all... OP got one thing right when she described him as weak in her first post.

OP hes been telling you its over the the last year.... to the extent that hes not been able to "get it up", chances are you haven't been "withholding" sex like you previously explained. Sorry honey but its time to open your eyes... you've been fooling yourself.

John Mason

errrr.............stop reading her facebook page and i am pretty sure, she hasnt got it open just to annoy you.

Sarah, you really need to seek out some professional help

neuro-praxis

sarahgonegone wrote: »

this will damage me forever. .

Only if you decide it will. You can decide instead that it will make you stronger, wiser, more independent and less willing to be put in last place by your partner.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I'm coming to terms with the situation and feeling better about it today.

Very glad to hear it. The only way is up.

sarahgonegone

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I found out last night via facebook that they even have a dog together in the house he rents down south!! That means they must be together for a long time! She put up a comment about there dog being sick and put pics of them walking it. She knows her page is fully open so shes prob doing that on purpose for me to see it and see how happy they are.

No she isn't. Please, please find a counsellor of some sort to talk to.

iguana

ztoical wrote: »

She went from being some women at work who was moving in on the OPs future husband but now it turns she is living with him in, according to the OP, a house beside his mothers house whom the OP claims is as confused as her.

No, the guy doesn't live in a house nextdoor to his mother with the other woman. In fact he doesn't actually live in the house next to his mother, he only stays there at weekends as he works in another town/city. The house he lives in with the other woman is in the town/city that they both work in, and I think is also shared with friends.

It seems that this guy has been living in one town during the week with one woman and coming to his home town most weekends and seeing the OP. In his head, he's in a relationship with one woman and shagging the ex when he comes back home. Which means that in the OP's head, her boyfriend works away and comes home to her every weekend which is being marred by this other woman hitting on her too nice to see it boyfriend. And in the other woman's head, her live-in boyfriend is being stalked by his psycho ex who just won't let go.

Both women may have some sort of "blame" in the scenario as they must both have been turning a blind eye to some of his behaviour, the OP was clearly still doing it in her last thread and the other woman must surely have some idea as she has met the OP while it was clear they were a couple. But this guy has been sleeping with both women at once, he's been taking advantage of the double life his work and home situation allows him. He's been string along the OP, maybe as a safety net if the other relationship doesn't work out - or as a way of keeping his family off his back - or maybe just the kicks of sleeping with them both. He's an ass.

The OP has been with him for 4 years and for the first 2 years it was probably a genuine relationship as they spent christmas and holidays together. If he was going to end their relationship he needed to actually sit her down and make it clear that it was over, in a way that meant there was no room for doubt. A good way to ensure that would be to have never, ever had sex with her again. And if she still didn't get the message he should have stopped responding to her calls/texts at all, ever. He should have made it 100% clear to his family that they were no longer a couple and then, if absolutely necessary, told her family so they could understand what was happening. You don't end a relationship of 3 years by sending a text saying "you're dumped" in the middle of a text argument and then continue on having sex together for another 10 months and expect your "ex" to know it's over.

ztoical

sarahgonegone wrote: »

Noooo. You've got it all wrong.

The other woman is not living with him in the house he and i were involved with next to his mum's.

He works down the country, 3 or 4 hours down south. So he stays down there during the week in a house with lads from work, I believed. I even stayed in the house a while back and there was no girls living there that I saw but I guess she was there even then as there were girls clothes in the closet and I know for fact that she owned one of the sweaters I found as I saw her in pics wearing it.

Doesn't matter if they live together next to his mam, down the country or on the moon the fact is they live together and from the sounds of it for a considerable time now. I've gone back and read all your posts on the other thread and on this one and frankly you sound more and more like a stalker. You and your mum drove 4 hours down to his house the other night to talk to him? You started this whole thing going on like you were 10 mins from walking down the aisle and everything was 'we' we've talked about marragie, we've named our kids but it's becoming very clear a very large chunk of this 'relationship' is in your head.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I found out last night via facebook that they even have a dog together in the house he rents down south!! That means they must be together for a long time! She put up a comment about there dog being sick and put pics of them walking it. She knows her page is fully open so shes prob doing that on purpose for me to see it and see how happy they are.

No she's not, get over it FFS. You are most likely nothing to her but the crazy girl that stalkes her BF and her attitude it seems has been to ignore you and hope you finally wake up to the reality of the situation. You said on the other thread that you weren't stalking him but you are - checking their facebooks falls under stalking behaviour.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

He only built the house next to his mum more recently and i was very involved in the build. i was on site all the time while he was away working! i know more about that house than him! I talked to the builders, not him.

She stayed there last weekend but not before then, she just came home with him last weekend.

But the house i went to talk to him the other night was the one down south.

I'm coming to terms with the situation and feeling better about it today.

I find it hard to belive based on all your posts that you were firstly involved in the building of his house in the manner you claim and that your coming to terms. I'm glad your feeling better but your attitude and behaviour to this whole situation is not normal and you really need to deal with that before you either end up back stalking this guy or move on to someone else.

squonk

Sarah, it's good to see you're feeling a bit better today. That's a very positive thing.

Your last post was a bit worrying and I think you need to definitely think about getting some counselling to get over this. It's a bad thing that has happened you but it really shouldn't eat you up inside forever and have a bearing on yoru future relationships. If you look after yourself now it won't so, again, counselling will help you immensely.

The other girl isn't putting pics up on Facebook to get back at you. She's just putting pics on Facebook, full stop. Stop looking at her page. Hard I know but you need to look after yourself now. To hell with them, let them get on with what they're at.

I thought all along that he was taking advantage of you by coming home at the weekend and sleeping with you because it suited him. It doesn't sound like that from your post now. He should have called a spade a spade, totally ignored you and not put himself in a position where the opportunity arose to sleep with you. Irregardless of whatever cajoling went on from the point of view of any party, he's weak and a bit passive as well I think. He's also a bit of a bastard as well for letting it come to that. Once might be forgivable but it sounds like an ongoing thing. Definitely seek counselling because this scenario isn't a good one.

Regarding the house, you may be putting more store in what you were doing than what was actually happening. I'd have thought his parents/relatives would have looked after the building of the house? In the end, who made the decisions when things needed to happen? There's a lot of communication going on during a build so were you just on site or were you in regular contact with your man keeping him up to date and passing on his decisions to the men? If that's the case he's a bollox because he used you as a cheap form of on-site foreman or a personal agent. If not, then you were just there in your won capacity as a bystander.

As the dust is settling now, it's a good time to think of counselling. Don't go through it alone and while your family will be of help, they may be hurt too and probably won't be impartial as they will have your interests at heart. Definitely do please look at counselling.

ztoical

iguana wrote: »

No, the guy doesn't live in a house nextdoor to his mother with the other woman. In fact he doesn't actually live in the house next to his mother, he only stays there at weekends as he works in another town/city. The house he lives in with the other woman is in the town/city that they both work in, and I think is also shared with friends.

It seems that this guy has been living in one town during the week with one woman and coming to his home town most weekends and seeing the OP. In his head, he's in a relationship with one woman and shagging the ex when he comes back home. Which means that in the OP's head, her boyfriend works away and comes home to her every weekend which is being marred by this other woman hitting on her too nice to see it boyfriend. And in the other woman's head, her live-in boyfriend is being stalked by his psycho ex who just won't let go.

Both women may have some sort of "blame" in the scenario as they must both have been turning a blind eye to some of his behaviour, the OP was clearly still doing it in her last thread and the other woman must surely have some idea as she has met the OP while it was clear they were a couple. But this guy has been sleeping with both women at once, he's been taking advantage of the double life his work and home situation allows him. He's been string along the OP, maybe as a safety net if the other relationship doesn't work out - or as a way of keeping his family off his back - or maybe just the kicks of sleeping with them both. He's an ass.

The OP has been with him for 4 years and for the first 2 years it was probably a genuine relationship as they spent christmas and holidays together. If he was going to end their relationship he needed to actually sit her down and make it clear that it was over, in a way that meant there was no room for doubt. A good way to ensure that would be to have never, ever had sex with her again. And if she still didn't get the message he should have stopped responding to her calls/texts at all, ever. He should have made it 100% clear to his family that they were no longer a couple and then, if absolutely necessary, told her family so they could understand what was happening. You don't end a relationship of 3 years by sending a text saying "you're dumped" in the middle of a text argument and then continue on having sex together for another 10 months and expect your "ex" to know it's over.

We're basing all that reasoning on information supplied by the OP who I just don't trust as a good source for facts TBH. She has contradicted herself from the get go talking about this as 4 year relationship headed towards kids and marraige but then admits it's nothing like that at all and that he had made several attempts to end the 'relationship' and told her 'she just didn't get it' which she claims to not understand but I read as he made it clear they weren't together and she didn't get that.

She may well have been enabled by both her and his families in her delusion. It sounds like a small town and theres a good chance both families end up at the same social functions often like say the wedding she says he flashed people at and both families push them together given their close ages. My own family has done this but both me and the guy in question just laugh it off. I've seen it happen with people before were they've had a casual conversation with someone and other people have put it into their heads they'd make a great couple and next thing you know they think they are a couple even though all they've done is talk to the person. I've had friends tell me about the wonderfull person they are sleeping with then meet said person who couldn't have been more clear that it wasn't serious and was just casual and the friend was just totally blinded to that.

Some of the OP's choices of words and pharses scream of someone in need of serious help like talking about sex like it's an object She posts pictures of them on facebook, tags him and they are untagged. Only the person who is tagged can untag the picture so he has done it not but has made no attempt to hide his relationship with his GF via facebook. If he was playing both women why would he have either of them on his FB at all? I'm sorry but there's far too many little things the OP has said and the way they've said it that make me doubt large chunks of what they have claimed about this 'relationship'

booboo88

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I found out last night via facebook that they even have a dog together in the house he rents down south!! That means they must be together for a long time! She put up a comment about there dog being sick and put pics of them walking it. She knows her page is fully open so shes prob doing that on purpose for me to see it and see how happy they are.


He only built the house next to his mum more recently and i was very involved in the build. i was on site all the time while he was away working! i know more about that house than him! I talked to the builders, not him.

no, shes not doing it to annoy you, in fact if she knew you were stalking her, she'd prob have the good sense to change her privacy settings.


and of course you were involved with the build, he had a project manager on site, free of charge, duh.

irishbird wrote: »

errrr.............stop reading her facebook page and i am pretty sure, she hasnt got it open just to annoy you.

Sarah, you really need to seek out some professional help

second the motion

LegacyUser

yes I'll get counseling. You obviously dont realise how hurtful it is to have everyone insinuating you are mad and need help!

I am not imagining my involvement in the house at all! I spent literally weeks going to every bank in the area and filling out mortgage documents, finding out the best deal for him to get a mortgage. i stupidly thought we would get the mortgage together and filled out ones for him on his own and then applied with both of us to compare and it really hurt me at the time as he ended up going getting one on his own without me knowing about it. I put that in the past as we weren't together long at the time and i told a friend who thought maybe he just thought it was too soon to go down that road but again - YES we did discuss marriage and children. We went to many weddings together and spent a lot of time together until he got a promotion at work and needed to spend more and more time there. We discussed our own wedding at other peoples weddings and how he didn't want a big fuss for a wedding. I doubt he was talking about weddings with someone else in mind for the bride!

I put so much work into the mortgage stuff and then when the build began i was on site all the time! I called him all the time with decisions for builders and everything. I'm not imagining my involvement. Again why allow me to be there if he didnt see a future with me?? We argued a few times about his lack of interest in the house and how he didnt want to hear anything about it and I had so much interest in the design and stuff and he said he was just tired after work all week and didn't want to talk about it more. His mum was on site all the time also which is why i spent so much time with his fam. We were all involved in his build. HE wasnt!

I guess I shouldve seen that he wasnt happy but i was so in love up until a week ago.

I'm dreading tonight in case he brings her home again with him and i'll have to see her with him.

amdublin

Am I right in thinking that he has finally broken it off with Sarah?

Sarah, you need to focus on yourself and getting over the relationship now. Whatever kind of relationship it was, it is over now.

You seem to be having some difficulty in accepting how the relationship has been going for the last while, plus the fact that the relationship is now over.

I think you should go talk to your GP about referring you for some counselling. This will help you. Please go talk to them asap.

Also:
Stop looking at this girls facebook
Stop all contact with this fellas mother.

Please go talk to your GP.
Good luck Sarah.

Emme

sarahgonegone wrote: »

Surely this other woman deserves to know what he's like?? I wish someone had told me. Should I let her know or do you think she knows already that he slept with me??

It's likely she is aware of the fact or maybe not, otherwise she would have made her facebook private? If so (or not) it is no longer any of your business and you should thank your lucky stars for that. DO NOT LET HER KNOW. He's her problem 100% now and she's welcome to him. Stay off her facebook.

Do not confide in his mum - she should have had more sense and come clean long ago. To think she stood by and let you help out with the building of his house while she might have known about the other girl! She has inadvertently enabled the situation, you don't need to talk to her any more. By all means let your own family know you're feeling down about it but don't drag them into the situation.

You've had a rotten experience, go to your GP and get some help. I think you need to talk to a professional about this after what you've been through. Please do this for your own sake. Then work towards moving away from your parents, the village, the community and the county towards independence. Life doesn't revolve around one pub, one supermarket, one GAA pitch and one church. There's a whole world out there and you deserve to live fully in it.

Your current life is too small for you and that's why you built up this fairy tale in your head about this guy. You really need to get out and expand your horizons, for the sake of your health and sanity.

Get a job, do a post-grad course but please move out of your parents house and out of that Valley-of-the-Squinting-Windows community. It will be easier to put all this behind you if you have goals to focus on. You need short, medium and long-term goals. This, combined with professional help, will be your best medicine.

Good luck.

Jack B. Badd

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I do love my bf very very deeply.

He is not your boyfriend now. Stop calling him that. All you are doing is mentally associating him with a role in your life that he no longer fills. It is unhealthy for you.

Emme

sarahgonegone wrote: »

yes I'll get counseling. You obviously dont realise how hurtful it is to have everyone insinuating you are mad and need help!

You really need to broaden your horizons in every way! Getting counselling does NOT insinuate that you are mad :mad:. It is a commonly recognised and professional way of dealing with traumatic incidents such as car crashes, assault, the fallout from abuse in childhood, abuse in marriage (you escaped that one) and abuse in relationships which you have been through.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I'm dreading tonight in case he brings her home again with him and i'll have to see her with him.

Why? I thought you said that you and he lived in different parts of the county so why would have to see him and her? Go somewhere that they won't be. And plan a weekend away for yourself in the near future, maybe at a spa for some pampering.

John Mason

sarahgonegone wrote: »

i stupidly thought we would get the mortgage together and filled out ones for him on his own and then applied with both of us to compare and it really hurt me at the time as he ended up going getting one on his own without me knowing about it.

Its comments like this, that are really worrying.

If you are were only together a short time, why would he put you on his mortgage?

Did you put any of the money torwards the deposit ?

were you planning on paying half the mortgage? If so, how would you have managed this without a job?

Did he know you were signing documents and arranging mortgages for him?

Also you said you spent a lot of time on site with his mother - so perhaps his mother was site managing and not you, were you just tagging along behind her offering to do things or did he ask you directly to deal with the builders and architects?

iguana

Emme wrote: »

Why? I thought you said that you and he lived in different parts of the county so why would have to see him and her?

Only during the week, he comes back to his recently built house in their town most weekends. Today is Friday so Sarah is worried he will come back to his house with his girlfriend. I've got to say that if a relationship I believed in for 4 years ended for me on Wednesday, I'd be dreading seeing the man and his "new" girlfriend together as a happy couple 2 days later too.

The suggestion to do something else this weekend is a good one OP. You should get out of the area and do something positive and distracting. Do you have any friends in other areas you can go see for a few days? It's normal after a break-up to go spend time with friends. To chill out, be angry, sad, pig-out on comfort food, listen to a few sad songs then go dancing to some positive "I don't need you any more" songs. And regardless of the actual state of your relationship for the last while, as far as you're concerned you are going through a break-up. If you don't have a friend to go stay with, well you and your mother seem close, perhaps you can go to a spa with her or something. That wouldn't be my first choice as someone a bit less involved would be better but anything is better than sitting around at home afraid to go out in case you bump into them and then eventually getting in your car late at night and driving around to check what lights are on, which I suspect is what you'll do if you don't distract yourself.

Long-term you need to get a proper plan to move on, but right now you urgently need to plan something that will keep you from dwelling on what's going to happen if he comes home this weekend.

John Mason

but she said she lived in a different village to where the new house and his mother lived

ztoical

sunflower27 wrote: »

Looking at someone's Facebook is not stalking. People do it all the time. If the girlfriend thinks the OP is just some girl obsessed with her boyfriend, then it is not beyond the realm of possibility that she has stuck a few pics up to push the point home.

Or she's just doing what the majority of other people do with Facebook and posting images and comments related to her life like her dog being sick. And looking at a persons Facebook page can be considered cyberstalking depending on context...the OP has no other reason to look at this womens page other then to gather and monitor information about her which is one of the key factors of cyberstalking. Going to the page once via the guys page maybe but she's looking at repeatadly and recently as she's only just seen the bit about the dog and she's already been informed he is living with this woman and he has told her their 'relationship' is over. She looks at the womans FB and goes through her photos on it looking for ones with this guy to judge if they do or don't look like a couple in any of them....it's obsessive behaviour, not healthy and frankly stalking.

squonk

Sarah, you don't have to drive by his house if I'm not mistaken. It sounds like he's in another part of the county from you. Heck, even if the was 5 miles away you still wouldn't have to drive by his house.

Stop doing this to yourself. He's free to bring whoever he wants home with him this weekend. Even in the smallest village there's another road you can take but if he's miles away stay clear of the area. The mortgage thing was a huge red flag for me. I'm beginning to think you were not all that serious as a couple at all. Actually, it's just strange that you mentioned you went to lots of weddings together. Surely you went to lots of other things together too? Why just say weddings? Also I'd presume you discussed marriage etc. outside of just being at weddings? To be honest OP you just sound very, very obsessed with this guy. I find it frightening tbh. it's good you're going for counselling. It doesn't mean you're mad. Far from it but it'll help you all the same.

Go do something else for the weekend. meet up with your other friends, preferably friends not directly connected to that fella.

I'm not slagging your friend off but their advice that maybe he wasn't ready to go down the joint mortgage road wasn't great. He wasn't talking about the house to YOU, he was probably talking about it to his mum for sure. He went and got his own mortgage. God they should have stopped you right there. Please, OP, get some independence and learn to stand on your own two feet. it's great that you're going to get counselling. It'll help you no end!

John Mason

we are not from the same area, he is from a different part of the same county.

Sorry but it was bugging me.

LegacyUser

iguana wrote: »

Only during the week, he comes back to his recently built house in their town most weekends. Today is Friday so Sarah is worried he will come back to his house with his girlfriend. I've got to say that if a relationship I believed in for 4 years ended for me on Wednesday, I'd be dreading seeing the man and his "new" girlfriend together as a happy couple 2 days later too.

The suggestion to do something else this weekend is a good one OP. You should get out of the area and do something positive and distracting. Do you have any friends in other areas you can go see for a few days? It's normal after a break-up to go spend time with friends. To chill out, be angry, sad, pig-out on comfort food, listen to a few sad songs then go dancing to some positive "I don't need you any more" songs. And regardless of the actual state of your relationship for the last while, as far as you're concerned you are going through a break-up. If you don't have a friend to go stay with, well you and your mother seem close, perhaps you can go to a spa with her or something. That wouldn't be my first choice as someone a bit less involved would be better but anything is better than sitting around at home afraid to go out in case you bump into them and then eventually getting in your car late at night and driving around to check what lights are on, which I suspect is what you'll do if you don't distract yourself.

Long-term you need to get a proper plan to move on, but right now you urgently need to plan something that will keep you from dwelling on what's going to happen if he comes home this weekend.

Thank you for understanding. maybe he didn't think he was in a relationship but i DID.

We have the same circle of friends. These are the only friends i have so i'm scared he'll bring this woman out with him if we are all out in our usual place this weekend.

good idea on maybe going away with my mum. Don't think i'll go out this weekend. Don't want to see him but also part of me thinks why should he stop me getting on with my life and cause me to be at home sad and upset. He shouldn't be allowed to change my life any more.

I was going to be paying towards the mortgage when i moved into the house. i have savings. I hadn't needed to work up to now.

Next problem is i cant cut contact with him yet. I have stuff to get back and I also drive a car that he owns and i'm on a learner permit under his name on his insurance.

iguana

irishbird wrote: »

but she said she lived in a different village to where the new house and his mother lived

Ah.

Perhaps you could clarify things OP? Are you and this man from different home areas? I got the impression that you were part of the same community when you talked about your circle.

Y'know OP, it's funny but in the last while there have been numerous similar posts in RI/PI from people who could have been any of the three of you in this triangle. There was a young man who's ex had gotten very involved with a house he was building and expected it to be their home and he would propose soon. She even quit college as she saw no need to continue her relationship as she'd soon be installed in the house as wife and mother. Although he only ever saw the relationship as casual. When he ended it she wouldn't let go to the point where he was considering involving the guards.

There was a woman who was in a serious relationship with a man who was originally from another part of the country but now lived with/near her. When she went to spend the weekend with him his family ignored her and kept talking about his ex. The ex even visited and the mother had great time for her. Then when they went to the pub the ex showed up and spent the night trying to freeze her out and muscle in on the guy.

There was another woman with a very similar story to yours, who's boyfriend of 4 years was cheating on her for years and when she confronted him he told her she was dumped and he was seeing another woman for years. The big difference was that this happened 3 years ago but she was still not letting go, still contacting him, monitoring their facebook pages and sending him gifts. She still couldn't and wouldn't let him go and move on with her life.

So it isn't as if your situation is unique, it's unusual but it's not completely isolated. Some people have a habit of seeing what they want to see. Of seeing much more than what exists in a relationship. Of ignoring the facts when they are presented to them. Like the ex of the man in the first example. Often their families conspire in this version of events and that only adds to the confusion and upset on the part of the ex, like ex in the second example. That ex was probably so confused as to why this guys family was inviting her over and could have told herself the girl who wrote the thread was obviously just a friend. But if you continue on like this you will end up like the last example. Aged 30 and with 3 years of failing to move on under your belt, and no real hope of moving on as you aren't open to it.

You have a choice. You can do what she has done, or you can face up to the fact that you don't have what you thought you have. You don't have a boyfriend, you don't have the future you planned. You and his family are not each other's family and you have nothing to do with his house. It hurts and it sucks, but you need to accept it, grieve for what you've lost, plan a new future, work on the new future and get on with your life. 3 years from now you could be happy and fulfilled, be it with work, travel, a new relationship or even, as 3 years is a long time, married (to someone else) with a baby. But only if you accept you must let go. You can't have the future you want right now, but I guarantee that 3 years from now it will be better to have moved on than to still be clinging on.

LegacyUser

Where we live really doesn't matter that much. I don't owe people here explainations.

During the week he lives down south where he works. He is originally from a town in the same county as me. We live in the same county in different towns. We both socialise in one bigger town that's in the middle. His friends ARE my friends. I dont have another group i can hang out with. We are part of the same circle and have been for years. The friends all live in his town so I will still be visiting there. It doesnt matter as he's never there anyway except weekends. I'm not changing my life to suit him now. I did enough for him and look whats happened.
I did not have to work up to now. i have my own savings. i don't have to explain that to you.

If someone leaves there facebook page fully open then i can look at it if I want. Everyone does it. If you don't like other people looking at your page you can change your settings.

booboo88

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I do love my bf very very deeply.

EX boyfriend, but he doesnt love you, and you cant force someone to love you.
Some men are great manipulators but others are kind gentle and trustworthy. Find one of those, stop holding out for this guy, he has zero respect for you.
And by stop holding out, i mean stop asking why, as you wont find the answers from a guy like this as he has no back bone.

He says he gave up on trying to dump you, yet slept with you and was doing his very best to hide other woman as just his friend.
Clearly he wanted his stable live in gf, and his bit on the side.......you.


My ex was a bit like yours, no back bone, would never give you a straight answer, and yet make it out like your the one doing wrong,

concentrate on you, not him, it will hurt like a bitch, but ur doing your own mental health some real damage mulling over it again and again.

give yourself say a week or two to mope. then say its time to move on.

thats wat i did, i still sometimes wonder why he was such a pathetic loser, but then thats his problem. not mine

Neyite

Sarah,
I went through a traumatic break up when I was 28. Like you, I totally didnt see it coming, and I admit I obsessed a little bit about the other woman in the frame. (thank god facebook was not around then!!) But, in hindsight the signs were there. Things that I took as plausible at the time, now stand out in my mind as obvious clues.

I went to counselling, because I really struggled to understand what I had previously believed to be true, and what had actually transpired. I had to sort out the realities I didnt want from the lies that I did. And its not easy, but let me tell you that I moved on in spectacular fashion after my counselling put me back on my feet. I met a man who is amazing, who is honest, kind, and loves me. The kind of man who will make an awesome dad, (We are currently trying for our first child)

But, nearly 9 years on, I still dont know how my ex could treat someone like that, I still dont know how the other woman could have justified being with someone who treats women like that (but over time I have come to suspect that he lied to her copiously too) I still dont have the answers that you are now looking for, but the difference is, I dont care anymore.

So, I know as confusing as this is for you, it just the way it is. There are no answers except "he is a wanker" There is a lot of great tips on how to get through the next few weeks and months post break-up from posters on here who have had their heart well stomped on and lived to tell the tale, the main ones being:
No contact - delete the number /block his. Ditto for his family - you will only be tempted to fish for info from them and it will wreck your head.
Avoid facebook.
Distract yourself - girly nights out, head away for the weekend, whatever. just dont be around.
plan something exciting or challenging for your life - a course, a new career direction maybe?
Talk to someone (anyone not related or friends with him)

Best of luck