Total Write Off - 2nd round match 4 (Revelation)*

pickarooney

Due to unforeseen circumstances, BLACK was unable to submit a story in this round and in this case RED goes through automatically to the semi-final stage.

RED's story appears below.

Please try and give some feedback for the story regardless of the non-competitive aspect of this thread.

For more details on the competition, see here.

pickarooney

Have you ever had a feeling that the room is closing in on you or that the water level is rising around you and you have no escape. You know that panicky, suffocating feeling? Well, I am having it right now. Literally. I am out of breath, my knuckles are bleeding and the tops of my toes are grazed, the skin ruby red. I have spent the last ten minutes struggling with the rising water level, clawing at the metal container the holds me, searching for any weakness. As of yet, I haven’t found any.

It was supposed to be an easy job. Ste the bastard. I should have known.

I was just finished a game of snooker, last Wednesday evening, when he phoned me.

“Alright dick-face. Face earning an easy grand?”

“Get fuсked, when has a grand ever come easy?”

“Nah, this is a dead cert buddy. No hassles at all.

‘Member the Tank? Well, he got out after 5 last week and I bumped into him it Candy’s place the other night. Having a dance beside me he was, gropin’ her lovelies good and proper. Anyway, he says to be ‘Fancy making an easy grand?’ To which I replied: ‘Course I do!’

“Ste, I don’t have time for this ѕhit. I’m late for dinner at the nursing home”

“Fuсk that. Listen. Long story short. The Tank is back in business. He needs someone to go into town Saturday night and collect a small package. Take the package to some bloke at the docks, hand it over and collect your grand. Easy as fuсk!”

“Oh yeah? If it’s so easy then why aren’t you doing?”

“That’s the thing, see. He specifically said he needs someone with a car. And, thanks to that minor incident last month. Well, you remember. Anyway, I thought of you. What you reckon?”

I should have fuсkin’ known. Ste was getting in me into trouble my whole life. He was a decent bloke but he didn’t give a ѕhit about anyone but himself. We’d have a laugh one minute. Then the next he’d be hurling a full bottle of beer into a crowded dance floor.

“Bit of laugh, like!”

His favourite was going into a take away after a ѕhit load of pints. We would both order a burger and just as we’d get outside he would grab my burger and throw it, with force, into the back of some randomer’s head. Without fail, the guy would spin around and see the two of use standing there. Ste eating a burger and me with nothing.

“Him” Ste would say, pointing at me.

More often than not the bloke, with lettuce and ketchup rolling down the back of his head would throw a punch at me. Ste, the bollox, would always let a few minutes go by before jumping in. He though this type of thing was hilarious.

Anyway, I should have known.

By the way, I really am drowning. At the moment the water level is moving at about one foot every ten minutes. And it is fuсking cold. You know the cliché, “fight or flight”? Well when it came to it for me I chose “float”. I am resigned to an imminent watery grave. And since I have no siblings, no friends and no girlfriend I decided to pull my phone out and write a short posting to my favourite online message forum, disclosing everything. I initially took my phone out, in a panic, to try and get a GPS signal so I could call someone and tell them to come and get me. No such luck. I barely have one signal bar and Google maps haven’t got a clue where I am. So, while I wait for the Lord God Almighty to shine a ray of light on this metal cube – a superman like, red laser, ray of light would be good – I decided to share my story with world. So, where was I? Ah yes – Steve you prick.

I have no idea why I said yes. He has talked me into some dodgy situations over the years and you would think that, as a reasonably intelligent bloke, I would only let him get away with it for so long.

So, this afternoon I get a text from Ste, telling me where to meet the Tank and at what time.

Remember. Don’t call him Tank to his face. Also, did I mention I’m in for 25% of your cut?

That last part made me laugh.

8pm, Cambridge Road. He’ll be in the Range Rover. Reverse up behind it.

I got there a little late. Traffic was a bastard coming across the gates.

“You’re fuсkin’ late. After this, I don’t want to see your face again. Ste can find another mule. Now, open your boot”

Fair enough. Open the boot?

I wasn’t expecting the package to be big but I couldn’t back out now.

Tank nodded at the big guy he brought with him, motioning to open the boot of the Range Rover. For the first time today, but not the last, the blood drained from my body. I think Tank, noticed.

“You OK? Ste did tell you about the package, didn’t he?”

“Yeah, yeah, ‘course he did”

“Good, grab her feet then”

Now I am fuсked. I am going to kick ten shades of ѕhit of our Ste when I get near him.
I grab the package’s feet and she wriggles as I do. fuсk. I am not made for this sort of ѕhit. Running some hash, knick a handbag or a wallet - no problem. Trafficking people? No fuсking way.

I decide to play it cool though. Best not to get fidgety and have Tank go medieval on me. Did I mention the Tank is about four foot tall and weighs about 8 stone? And that’s being kind to him. The Tank – great name for that little twat.
Tank tells me where to go, the North Port, and who to meet. I am supposed to go to the port, meet a guy in a yellow transit van and hand over the package. If all goes well another bloke will meet me in The Bellship pub at 10pm with my money. He gives me the girl’s passport and tells me to give this to the guy in the transit van.

“Sure thing, no worries.”

I sped off leaving the “big man” struggling to get into his jeep. Now what? I thought. My conscience got the better of me. I just couldn’t hand this girl over to what would certainly be a life of torment and abuse.

Now, with hindsight, what I did next was possibly not the greatest decision I have ever made. In fact there would be argument for it being the stupidest I’ve ever made. I pulled into a taxi rank in a village about 1 mile from the where I collected the girl. I let her out of the boot and put her in a taxi. I gave the driver 20 euro and told him to take her to the nearest police station. What are the chances the taxi driver knows Tank? Fairly fuсking good as it turns out. Not only does he know Tank, turns out he’s the big lad’s brother.

I would be pretty sure the chase has made the news at this stage but just in case it hasn’t, here is a summary of it. The taxi driver calls Tank who is less than a minute away. I am barley back in my car when Tank rams me. What follows is a 25 minute rampage through a local park, two pedestrian streets and a funeral procession. My tyre blew out on the Darkvale road ramps and Tank’s minder, who can run pretty fast I discovered, chased me down and beat me unconscious.

I can barely remember waking up while the Tank was removing my shoes.

“You fuсked up good, you stupid сunt”

Tell me about it.

So, that brings you up to speed. Sorry if there are any spelling mistakes but it is difficult to concentrate when your body is on the verge of hyperthermia. If there is any reading this that can do some magic techie stuff and figure out where I am that would be much appreciated. Also, if anyone knows the Skounds area of the city then you’re sure to know Ste Mass. Please, please, please could someone beat the living ѕhit out of him for me? Please?

Gonna sign off now. Water is up to my chest. I’m starting to feel really warm though, fuсkin sweatin’.

Oryx

This is a great story. Authentic and totally convincing. Even the typos are explained at the end. Its almost a good thing this writer gets a bye, they deserve to get through to the next round.

Blush_01

I'd pity anyone who had to go up against this, it's excellent.

I'm going to read it again now. Well done to whoever wrote it!

pickarooney

I started off thinking "Jesus, read over your story before sending it" but as soon as I got to the reveal about the phone it made total sense. Brilliantly realised and an engrossing story from beginning to end. The balance between panic and acceptance was nicely struck, I thought.

The Mad Hatter

It's a good, solid story with a nice dark sign-off. The conceit that he's posting it to a forum from his phone is a good one, but if there's any real flaw in the story it's that his explanation of the fact feels laboured. It's a very tricky thing to control, though, when you're trying to write as a character who's writing to people who already know what they're reading, but for an audience that doesn't. (I have no idea right now if that sentence made any sense...) But yeah, generally a good story well told. I'm fond of the resigned, I'd-be-aggressive-if-I-could-be-bothered tone maintained throughout.

mcrdotcom

That was fantastic... One of the better stories I have read!

Mr E

Great story, and very clever. Well done.