Total Write Off - 2nd round match 2 (Genesis)

pickarooney

ORANGE and BLUE compete in the second quarter final of Total Write Off on the theme of Genesis. For more details on the competition, see here.

Voting is by poll, with invisible results and open for 5 days. As far as possible, please try and give some feedback for the story you vote for and the one you don't vote for.

Best of luck to ORANGE and BLUE.

pickarooney

BLUE

My first memory was of Adam. He looked at me and smiled in that sheepish way of his. I was new and everything was bright and sharp and green. I looked around, my mind jumping from tree, to bird, wondering what I was going to do first. He stepped into my path and gingerly took my hand. "I'm so glad you're here." he said. I forced my gaze away from all the beauty and focused on him. Our eyes met briefly before he quickly looked away. His smile faded ever so slightly as he addressed my shoulder "It's been ever so lonely."

He was quiet and calm. He liked to tend to the animals, often I'd hear him singing softly as he saw to them. In the evenings we would sit together to eat. He would tell me all about his day. How the birds had sung to him, how the cow had greeted him, how the chicken had laid 2 eggs instead of one. At first I found it charming, he had so much enthusiasm. But as time went on I found my mind wandering. "Is this it?" I'd think as he prattled on. "Do you ever wonder?" I asked him, stopping him mid flow. "Wonder?" he asked. "About what?" I shook my head. "I don't know. Do you ever think about what else there is?" He looked confused. "I don't understand." he said. I looked at him, but there was no light in him. There never was. "It doesn't matter." I said. And he was off again. Picking up his story where he had left it.

I grew to know the garden inside out. I'd walked its boundaries, seen all the animals and tasted almost all the fruit. Some days I walked the perimeter over and over until my feet started to crack and bleed. There was something, something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I was restless, and that made me mean. I came across Adam on one of my walks. He was milking the goat, humming quietly. When he saw me he smiled and launched into an excited story about his morning. "You never say anything new." This stopped him in his tracks. I leaned against a nearby tree, a little thrill ran through me to see him so uneasy. "I'm bored." I said. "You bore me." His face fell and he stuttered as he tried to find his words. There was a small part of me that wanted to take it back, that wanted to reach out and touch his shoulder. But the rest of me seemed suddenly awake and alive. The bark of the tree felt rough on my back. I watched him steadily as his face reddened. "I...I'm sorry you feel that way." he said eventually. When I didn't reply he turned away from me, back to his goat.

That evening he was late. It was dark by the time he shuffled back. He sat down to his food and began to eat in silence. I watched him. Wondering. After a few mouthfuls he spoke up, still looking at his food. "You shouldn't talk to me like that." he said. I didn't say anything. He put a handful of food into his mouth and chewed for what seemed like forever. I waited. Had he become stronger? I watched him, willing him on, waiting for him to match me. "He says you should treat me better." "You spoke to Him about me?" He nodded, still looking at his food. "You should show me more respect." he said. "You were made from me, you're not my equal." I stared at him, but he wouldn't meet my gaze. "You're right." I said, and he finally looked up. "We're not equals."

After that I went back to listening to his stories. I nodded in all the right places, and said all the right things. In time he seemed to forget my transgression and became comfortable in my presence again. Once this happened I was free to start sowing doubts in his head. We were floating in the pool one hot afternoon. "What was it like before I came along?" I asked. "It was quiet." he said moving his arms slowly in the water. "The animals were all here, but...well it was a little lonely." "I don't like to think of you on your own." I said. "I wish I could have been there." He made a noise in agreement. "Its a little cruel don't you think?" I said. "Making you and leaving you here on your own." He didn't answer. He didn't like to criticize Him.

I made a juice from one of the fruits of the vines. If you drank enough of it you're head started to feel light. We began to drink it with our dinner every night. "I don't know how He did it." he said before taking another swig. "I went to sleep and when I woke up you were there." His eyes glazed over for a moment. "Do you really think He used one of my ribs?" I shrugged and looked into my own cup. "I dunno." he said. "I shouldn't question Him. But sometimes..." He lapsed into another silence.

I started to visit the tree. At first I kept a wide berth but every day I got closer and closer. I began to sit in its shade. Its fruit, low on the branches, ripe and filled with juice. I began to long for it. I could never eat it, I knew what would happen to me if I did. I knew He wouldn't be happy. There would be punishment. But still it called to me. Maybe the punishment wouldn't be so bad. Maybe all of this was a test. A test of bravery. Maybe if I ate the fruit He would reward me. But I wasn't brave enough, I couldn't take the chance. I couldn't face the unknowable punishment. Not on my own.

I held Adam's hand as we walked. I'd told him I had a surprise for him and he came willingly. The smile stayed on his lips as we walked. He was telling me about the smell of the grass in the far corner of the garden when he saw the tree ahead of us. He stopped in his tracks. "We should go this way." he said, tugging my hand. "The surprise is this way." I said nodding in the direction of the tree. He shook his head. "Do you trust me?" I asked. I saw the doubt flicker across his face. I smiled at him, and took both his hands in mine. "Close your eyes." I said. "Everything will be alright." I led him the rest of the way. When we stood under the branches I told him to open his eyes. When he did he looked afraid. Watching him closely I reached up and plucked the fruit from the tree. My heart thrummed against my chest. His eyes widened as I lifted the fruit and took a bite. The flesh broke and my mouth was filled with the sweetest juice I had ever tasted. I felt his hand pull mine as he stepped back. But I held him firmly.

I chewed, and I swallowed, and I knew.

I held the fruit out, but he shook his head. "He lied to us." I said. "If you eat this you'll understand everything. Don't you want that?" He didn't make a sound. "You're in the dark." I said. "Everything you've ever wanted to know, every question you've ever asked. This will answer it." I lifted the fruit to his mouth, and he took a bite.

We were naked. So we took some leaves from the fig tree and covered ourselves. Adam was shivering, though it wasn't cold. I knew what was coming. I knew He'd be here soon. I just wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. "He won't be angry." I said. But He was. He was angrier than I'd ever seen him. "We didn't mean to." I said. "It wasn't even our idea." "Who's idea was it?" He asked. "A serpent." I said. "It was a serpent." He didn't believe me. I don't think it would have made a difference if he did. Our punishment was to be cast out. I was to be free. I hid my happiness, I tried to make my face look as broken as Adam's was. He was weeping openly now, he'd already tried to beg and plead with Him to change his mind but I knew it wouldn't work.

When we reached the gate I looked back at the garden, at my prison, and smiled. He stood behind us. "Why would you do this." said Adam, trying one last time. "Why would you create us if you were just going to punish us? Why did you bother doing any of it in the first place?" "It was dark, and I was bored." He said, and motioned for us to leave.

pickarooney

BLUE

“Are you sure it’s okay for us to be here?” Julia asked her uncle, Dr. Isaac Rossum as he swiped his ID card against the security lock. “Of course, child,” he replied. The doors to the factory floor swung open behind him. “I invented the software the robots use. I’m their creator.”

She tugged at the zipper of her parka jacket and shivered. The factory wasn’t just dark, it was freezing cold too. To keep the robots sterile, her uncle had told her.

“No, I mean with all those people outside,” she said. “The protestors.”

“Don’t mind them,” her uncle replied. “They don’t understand the work we’re doing, that’s all.” He slipped his ID card into his coat pocket and leaned back onto his walking stick. “Come on then.”

She followed him through the doorway and onto the factory floor. “I can’t see anything,” she said, her voice echoing in the darkness.

“One moment, child.”

Her uncle turned back and flicked a series of switches on the wall. Slowly, dozens of lights above them flickered to life and Julia gasped. He chuckled. “I know. They’re impressive, aren’t they?”

Julia stepped forward, her mouth agape. Before her stood dozens, maybe hundreds of metal men, taller than her uncle, taller than anybody she knew. “Are they alive?” she asked.

Her uncle shook his head and ushered her forward. “No, no, child,” he replied. “They’re just machines. Robots which can do work too dangerous for human beings.”

“And... that’s what the protestors don’t like?”

He nodded. “That’s right. They think the robots are alive, but they’re wrong.”

They walked together across the factory floor, Julia gazing up at every robot they passed. Each was identical except for a small number plate on their chest. Eventually they stopped in front of one and examined it.

“One-two-four-C,” Julia read. “Is that his identification number?”

“’Its,’ child,” her uncle corrected her. “The robots don’t have gender, but yes. That is an identification code.”

She examined the rest of the robot. Except for its metal skin, it was disturbingly lifelike. “What does it do?” she asked.

“Do?” her uncle replied. “Why, anything we want it to. This batch are for the military.”

She looked from the robot to her uncle. “They’re soldiers?”

He smiled.

“You could call them that yes, but remember - they are not real people. They can’t get hurt. Just watch.”

As he spoke, he lifted a hidden panel and flicked a switch inside the robot. A whirring noise came from deep inside and it seemed to stand a little straighter, as if to coming to attention. Blue lights flashed behind its eye sockets.

“Hello, 124-C,” her uncle said.

The robot’s head inclined towards the doctor. “Hello, Isaac. How are you today?” it said in a monotone voice.

Her uncle didn’t answer. “I’m going to attack you, 124-C. Is that all right?” “Of course, Isaac, although you should know I am impervious to common assault.”

Her uncle nodded. “Watch this,” he said to Julia and raised his walking stick above his head. He brought it down across the robot’s shoulder with as much force as she had ever seen him use. The crack echoed across the factory floor but the robot didn’t even flinch. “You see?” he said. “It doesn’t care. It obeys my commands without question.”

Almost as soon as he had finished his demonstration, something smashed near the roof. Julia shielded her head as shards of glass fell from above. Her uncle looked up. “The protestors…”

The roof skylight had been smashed by something small and circular which was now falling towards them. “Julia, run!” her uncle cried. The device exploded in a fireball, knocking most of the robots to the floor and setting the surrounding crates and machinery ablaze.

“Run child!”

He put his hand on her shoulder and pushed her towards the exit as flames began to engulf the room. “What about the robots?” she shouted as her uncle swiped his ID card. “Never mind them,” he said. “We have to get out before the building burns down.”

Julia looked around as they ran into the corridor and saw that here too the air was filled with smoke. The protestors must have thrown more than one explosive, she thought.

She followed her uncle first down one corridor and then another. After the third he stopped and looked back, coughing. “I… I think it’s this way,” he said, wiping the smoke from his eyes. “Yes, come on, child!”

They ran though a seemingly endless maze of corridors until they stopped again, panting. “I’m... I’m sorry,” her uncle said. “The facility is so big. I never spent much time outside the lab…”

“Is anyone else here?” she asked, “Security men?”

He shook his head and sighed. “I’m afraid I wasn’t supposed to bring you. Nobody knows we’re here.”

He wiped the sweat from his hands across his stained white lab coat and looked at the nearest door. “These are offices. There might be a phone we can use to call for help.”

He grabbed the handle and pushed. The door opened and they ran in, slamming it closed behind them. There was less smoke here, but still it was hard to breathe. Her uncle stumbled towards the desk and fell against it. There was no phone. “Damn security precautions,” he said, rubbing his leg. “I’m so sorry child.” He turned to lean against the desk.

With a sudden crack, the roof above them split. Tonnes of concrete and wood crashed down into the room. Her uncle roared as a metal beam fell on top of him, knocking him from the desk and onto the floor. It lay across his legs, pinning him in place.

“Uncle Isaac!” Julia roared, kneeling down and pulling at the beam with all her strength. It refused to move. Her uncle’s face contorted in pain as he pushed against the beam himself. “Run, child!” he shouted. “Get out, get out!”

The floor beneath her shook as it too began to buckle in the heat of the fire.

“Uncle, I can’t leave you!”

“Get out and get help. You can’t help me from here!”

She nodded and ran back to the door, then turned to face her uncle. “I’ll be back.”

“I know, child,” he said. “Now run!”

Julia turned and opened the door. The wave of heat knocked her back a few steps but she couldn’t pause. She ran out and down the corridor, looking for the nearest stairs but finding none. At last, she passed an opened doorway and looking in saw a huge glass window facing onto the factory floor. The door sign read “Operations” and inside she found a control panel which ran the length of the room and featured several microphones but again no telephone. She buckled, overcome by a sudden coughing fit.

Smoke burning her lungs and barely able to see, she stumbled forward, tripped over her own feet, and fell against the console. Something beneath her beeped and the high pitched screech of feedback filled the air. The room began to spin and the taste of vomit filled her mouth. As the smoke closed around her, she realised she was about to die. And then everything went dark.

When she opened her eyes again, red and blue lights were flashing all around her. She tried to sit up but found herself restrained.

“It’s all right, Julia,” someone said nearby. “We got you. You’re safe now.”

She turned towards the voice, and the green coloured blur resolved itself into a female paramedic. “You’re in an ambulance and your uncle is beside you.”

Julia turned her head and saw her uncle strapped into a bright orange stretcher. At their feet, the ambulance doors sat open to the smouldering remains of the building. Her uncle smiled when he saw her.

“Glad to see you awake, child,” he said, taking a deep breath from the oxygen mask around his neck. “I didn’t think we’d escape... Those damned protestors...”

She thought back the factory floor which had no doubt been destroyed by the fire. “Why would they kill all those robots?” she asked. “They thought they were alive.”

Her uncle shook his head. “I don’t know child,” he said. “If they were right they’d have killed living creatures. Instead, my whole stock of two hundred robots has been destroyed. I’m just glad we’re alive.”

At this, the paramedic turned to him and shook her head. “Two hundred minus one,” she said, gesturing over her shoulder. “That one was standing over you when the emergency services arrived. We didn’t even have to go inside the building.”

Julia and her uncle craned their necks forward and looked outside. Just beside the road, one of the mechanical men stood as if to attention. She was too far away to read the number plate, but she didn't need to. Her uncle looked over to her and she realised neither did he.

They both knew the plate would read “124-C.”

Ooh, they are both excellent. Tough one. But I loved the ending of Blue

pickarooney

BLUE

ORANGE is the oldest story in the world - and I loved it. I think it took a great deal of skill to make such a familiar tale so enjoyable to read. I was ready to vote for it by half way through.

I changed my mind after a few paragraphs of BLUE as there's simply nothing to choose between these two. I'll have to read them again tomorrow as I can't bring myself to vote yet.

Great work.

angelll

BLUE

Orange for me,blue was fantastic too but orange just had the extra edge.

Oryx

The quality of writing was equally good in both of these so I had to choose based on the story. Orange suffered from my overfamiliarity with the creation story. Unlike pickarooney, for me the writing didn't overcome that. Blue did feel like a rip off of that Will Smith movie I, robot, but for all that it still pulled me along.

Blush_01

BLUE

I don't want to choose. Can I just vote for both? No? Ok, well I prefer the writing style of Orange, but not the idea that Eve was a liar and a cheat. I prefer the plot of Blue, but not the overuse of the word child. See, good and bad in both. (Although the bad bits are pretty paltry attempts at finding things I dislike.)

On pure stylistic preference, Orange wins this for me. Sorry Blue - it was a tough one!

pickarooney

BLUE

I went with Orange in the end. I think summarising that Eve was a liar and a cheat is a bit facile. Her motivations were completely understandable and she's by far the most likeable character in the piece, in my view. Then again, it was written from her POV...

azzeretti

BLUE

Orange for me. I thought it was a great spin on a familiar tale. I really enjoyed it. Eve the bitch!

I just kept thinking of "I, Robot" the whole through Blue's. It was written well but I just didn't take to it for that reason.

BTW - this is my 1000th post - yay!

The Mad Hatter

BLUE

Damn, these were both superb. Orange told an old story in a new way, and really drew me into it. I don't care if Eve is the liar, if she lies to escape a prison that her idiot husband hasn't even noticed they're trapped in. Blue was beautiful too, and, though I thought I saw the ending coming, it was less predictable and better than I expected. The final line in Orange I found sat a little uncomfortably with the tone of the rest of the story, but I really loved the rest of the story.

I'll actually have to sleep on this one. I'll try to make a decision in the morning.

The Mad Hatter

BLUE

Ultimately I've decided to vote Orange. Like I said, I loved both, but I found myself really fond of Eve's character, her cleverness, resourcefulness and curiosity. It's a very fresh approach to a very old story.

Mr E

BLUE

Wow, both really great stories. Very little between them.

Orange was a superb spin on a familiar tale, so I went with that.
Against most others stories so far in the competition, Blue would have easily taken it.

Turtyturd

Blue gets it for me...the ending was a little predictable but the story was enjoyable.

Orange was really well written but Adam just came across slightly robotic...which is strange considering the second story.

furzebush

Am I too late to comment and vote? I've just found the page and the competition. Really enjoyed both stories and the whole idea of the comp. Orange just shades it for me.

Carter P Fly

When I saw the title was genesis I thought "i hope someone doesn't do a re-do of the biblical genesis" and that exactly what Orange did. Blue shoudln't have ripped his from azimov's head either but at least it wasnt a POV version of a story already called genesis.