Can we get past his questionable behaviour?

LegacyUser

I've been with the man of my dreams for 4 and a half years. I love him completely through and through.

I first suspected him of cheating with one particular woman 2 years ago but he has denied everything and I've come to finally trust his words because if I don't we will never be able to work this out. Things have been so much better recently compared to the past.

He was constantly texting this woman, having discreet calls with her late at night, always e-mailing, I saw she had sent him a dodgy picture message before and he sent one of his penis back to her. Obviously it really hurt me given we had so much of a future planned together.

The truth here is, I'm 27, he's 31, we plan to marry, he has built a house that we will live in, his family are closer to me than my own, my family love him, I absolutely do not want this otherwise wonderful relationship to end. He has a great job, he can provide for me and our children in the future, we've already named the kids, everything was set in stone. And now he's hurting me again.

We got through our last rough patches and it was okay for a while after I warned him to stop contacting her. She seems to be a total nutter, always texting him and harassing him. He's always been a really weak man, he's a total softie and when this woman texts him telling him she's feeling sad or such, he HAS to reply to her feeling sorry for her or something?? I just don't get it. Why do men fall for this kind of BS? Why do women lead a taken man away from their gf?? There are soo many single men out there, why take mine.

They've worked together for 8 or so years in the same department and I know he spends a lot of free time outside of work with her also. He and I only see each other on weekends and I'm left feeling sick all week knowing he's spending time with her.

She seems to be entering into his life more and more. She's come home with him at weekends recently. I've told him he is not to talk about her anymore, I'm so sick of hearing stories about her. I don't understand why she would want to take him from me like this. I have got her phone number from his phone and have typed up texts telling her to leave us alone so many times but haven't had the courage to send them. I have called her number with mine on private so many times but hung up before I could speak. i've met her a few times but never spoken directly to her, just been there while she talks to my man.

I think stuff has happened between my bf and her recently. His interest in our sex life dropped really suddenly, I joked with him about him getting it with some other girl and he said nothing.

It hurts so much.

We slept together on Saturday night and I found two huge bruises on his neck and what I thought were nail marks all over his back. He had a very good excuse and 90% of me believes him, he plays rugby, says it was from that, but I still have doubts and don't know if it's because I'm over suspicious now or what. I admit fully I am probably reading too deep into all of this and need to calm down!!

Maybe it is all totally innocent, but he has done inappropriate stuff in front of me in the past.

A couple of years ago I found him in a corner showing his private area to a girl at my cousin's wedding!! To be fair he was very very drunk and didn't even remember doing it the next day but needless to say I was upset.

I'm focusing on bad points because I'm hurting right now but normally he's the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, he always buys me everything, we eat out and he always pays, his family are such lovely people and mean the world to me. I can tell his mum anything, I love her like my own.

I just don't know what to do.

I know everyone here always says 'dump him' but I really want an alternative answer here, I want to learn how to work around these issues with him. Maybe I can get him to come to counselling with me to fix this before he messes everything up for us both. Up to now I thought he would grow out of his dumb behaviour but if anything he seems to be getting worse and I'm so scared he'll end up breaking us up for this other woman. I've been trying to get him to apply for another job because at least if he works somewhere else he won't be around this vampire anymore, she really is determined to take him from me. I've seen her give me nasty looks when we're all together, she resents me even though I'm the victim in this.

Any replies welcome, but if you have experience in this situation, please help me, I don't and won't end this relationship. I want to be with him and start a family as soon as possible. I'm 27 and don't want to end up single and alone for the rest of my life.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

Aw OP...

Firstly you're right. Everyone will advise you according to their own experience in life, many will say dump him. But at the end of the day, only you know him and you know your relationship.

My advise would be to talk to him.Sit down with him and lay it out for him. Don't be the victim, but just tell him that his behaviour is really,really hurting you and you just don't know if you can go on like this. Tell him you don't want to see her in the house and you'd prefer if he didn't spend that much time with her. You don't necessarily need to comment on the girl herself (though she sounds like she's doing this deliberately). If it comes to it, tell him it's her or you.

If you feel counselling would help, then go for it.

For what it's worth, my experience was with my OH of 8 years, chatting online with girls. There was no dating website, no webcams, but he was chatting online with random girls. I found it had happened one or twice every year or so, when he was at home on his own some weekend afternoon and bored. I was - heartbroken, but I felt exactly like you. He's the best in the world, I love him more than anything. I spoke to him that night, laid it all out in front of him, told him what I had seen. He got the shock of his life when his behaviour was painted in black and white terms, when he realised that he could lose me through it. We have moved on, but it's still hard to get past that behaviour - on my part - and on his part, there's a lot of guilt that he hurt me so badly, though unintentionally. However we are probably in a better place as a couple through it.

I'm just telling you that to try and show you where I'm coming from. There's nothing worse than finding yourself in a position where you could lose someone you love more than anything, through no fault of your own, through nothing that you've done.

Sit down, talk to him, be deadly serious and show him how much this is hurting you.Don't accept excuses or explanations. Ask him what she's doing, what she wants and what she means to him - even if you don't want to hear the answers.

Best of luck OP.

car.kar

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I don't and won't end this relationship. I want to be with him and start a family as soon as possible. I'm 27 and don't want to end up single and alone for the rest of my life.

These are the lines jumping out at me. I'm not going to tell you to dump him as I can see you're not going to, and there's no evidence that he has in fact cheated on you, but I promise you, once you've started doubting, it is very, VERY hard to erase those doubts, especially as this seems to be the second time you've questioned this.

If you plan on spending the rest of your life with this guy, you really need to have it out with him. Explain exactly how you're feeling and everything that's going on in your head and see if you can work things out from there.

rainbowtrout

You don't want to be told to dump him. Fair enough. But while you continue to put up with his behaviour, he's going to continue because he can get away with it.

It's not about why the other woman wants him. Maybe she does want him. She's entitled to fancy him if she wants, it's about your fiance and why he's responding to her.


You said he sent her a picture of his penis and he responds to her because she's feeling sad. Nobody sends pictures like that to another person because they feel sorry for them. No one.

The way you describe him for me sets the alarm bells ringing ' he has a good job and can provide for me'. Granted you may want those things but it sounds like you're a bit dependent on him. What happens if you get married and his behaviour continues? Will you turn a blind eye while inside it rips you to shreds because you're grateful to him for putting a roof over your head and putting food on the table?

Nail marks on his back from playing rugby?? I don't know too many men who have nails that would leave those kind of marks, let alone men who play contact sports who would.

Leave his family out of this as hard as it may be. You are not in a relationship with them.

It seems like he's spending more time with her than you. He brought her home at the weekend recently - was that to his home place? That's the only time of the week he gets to spend with you and he brought home this other woman.

To be honest unless you start having some follow through with this guy, it's never going to change and you seem to be too scared to contemplate any other sort of life. You are young and there are plenty more men out there.

A guy that brings me out for meals and buys me stuff but spends his time with another woman who he is possibly/probably sleeping with really doesn't sound like anything to get excited about.

Sorry OP, but I've seen plenty of threads on this forum where people have advised a poster to dump someone for far less, but I really don't understand why you would tolerate this behaviour and settle for this guy.

LegacyUser

sarahgonegone wrote: »

Why do women lead a taken man away from their gf?? There are soo many single men out there, why take mine.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I don't understand why she would want to take him from me like this.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

she really is determined to take him from me.

This is crazy logic. It's not healthy for you to be placing the blame on this girl whilst making your boyfirnd out to be an innocent, gentleman.

She's doesn't care about you. Why would she? She doesn't know you. It sounds like she has fallen for your boyfriend. He should not have allowed himself to become so close to another female when he is involved with you.

She is not "leading" your boyfriend away as he clearly very much enjoys her company judging by the amount of time they spend together. He is a willing participant and he is the one hurting you. Direct your anger towards him. He is not texting her back out of pity, guys don't do that. He has allowed himself to develop feelings for her. He is the one treating you with no care or respect, not her. This will not be fixed until you realise that. He is walking all over you.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I think stuff has happened between my bf and her recently. His interest in our sex life dropped really suddenly, I joked with him about him getting it with some other girl and he said nothing.

They've been exchanging saucy pics, spending time together outside work hours, he's been bringing her home at weekends. I personally have never had a platonic relationship where all these factors were involved. I'm sorry, but it sounds to me like they're in a physical relationship. If they are not, the exchange of erotic pictures will soon lead to it.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I'm focusing on bad points because I'm hurting right now but normally he's the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, he always buys me everything, we eat out and he always pays, his family are such lovely people and mean the world to me. I can tell his mum anything, I love her like my own.

Not really relevant. He is betraying you emotionally and possibly physically. It doesn't matter that he throws you a bit of kindness now and again. What you're saying is "it's ok for you to betray and upset me because sometimes you make an effort and flash the cash". If you don't want to break up with him you need to become very assertive and soon. Stop making excuses for him. He is making you feel like this. How is he a wonderful guy?

Ask yourself why you are ringing her to "warn her off"? Why can't you have that discussion with him? Are things so bad you are afraid to give him an ultimatum beacuse you will think you will come out the loser? If that is the case why do you want a future with him?

I'm sorry if I have been very blunt here. I feel like you are setting you are setting yourself up for a life time of unhappiness with this man.




Thanks.[/QUOTE]

can you get over his 'questional behaviour'?/
seriously op, i think its a bit more than questional behaviour really.

it seems to me he has no respect for you, im sorry to appear harsh but i cant believe your allowing yourself to be treated like this.

he is having a completely inappropriate relationship with another girl and you are just sitting back and allowing it to happen. why dont you give him an ultimatum? are you afraid that maybe he will decide to be with her instead of you? maybe you are scared to face up to the fact that he is not the man you have built him up to be in your head?

im sorry but who shows their 'privates' to a random person at a wedding?? no matter how drunk they are!! would you do it? seriously. this is unbelievable.

i really think you need to think seriously about how your relationship is now, rather than the rose-tinted future your imagining.

when exactly do you see his behaviour changing?? you say you have plans for the future, marraige and kids, do you think he will change on the morning of your wedding? do you think he will suddenly start to put your feelings ahead of someone 'he pitys?'
basically, you should feel no.1 to him, you should be confident that you are the woman for him and he should make you feel like that.

dont settle for less op, it would make for a long rather unhappy life i fear.

greengiant09

sarahgonegone wrote: »

He was constantly texting this woman, having discreet calls with her late at night, always e-mailing, I saw she had sent him a dodgy picture message before and he sent one of his penis back to her.

She seems to be a total nutter, always texting him and harassing him. He's always been a really weak man, he's a total softie and when this woman texts him telling him she's feeling sad or such, he HAS to reply to her feeling sorry for her or something?? I just don't get it. Why do men fall for this kind of BS? Why do women lead a taken man away from their gf??

you really need to get a grip on reality op....really.....you sound completely deluded. the writing really is on the wall.....you can even see it but you pretend not to. you paint a picture of your poor boyfriend being hounded by this woman......and because he's so nice, he finds he is obliged to respong.

the reality is he's probably having a full on affair with this woman....he has probably being having sex with her regularly and will continue to do so. HE SENT HER A PICTURE OF HIS PENIS!!!

WHAT DON'T YOU GET ABOUT THAT????....it couldn't be more obvious FFS!!!!

don't want to be bad but you sound very weak and the kind of person who could be easily manipulated and misled. i reckon if you marry this guy, be prepared for more of the same......

you can't change people unless they want to change.....

seenitall

Hi OP,

your b/f and you sound like a good match! Him being such a big softie and a wonderful provider, and you being such a strong, level-headed woman as you come across in your post. I can really appreciate how much you love this guy and how much you want to stick by him.

I'm afraid nothing comes to mind at the moment on what to do about that vampire who wants to take him from you, or how to exactly work on that issue with him, but given he is normally the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, I am sure everything will be just fine with the two of you. And remember: the truth always finds its way in the end.

monkeerina

seenitall wrote: »

Hi OP,

your b/f and you sound like a good match! Him being such a big softie and a wonderful provider, and you being such a strong, level-headed woman as you come across in your post. I can really appreciate how much you love this guy and how much you want to stick by him.

I'm afraid nothing comes to mind at the moment on what to do about that vampire who wants to take him from you, or how to exactly work on that issue with him, but given he is normally the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, I am sure everything will be just fine with the two of you. And remember: the truth always finds its way in the end.

I take it you're taking the ****?

OP, I feel really sorry for you, I truly do and I hope whatever you do makes you happy...you don't want my advise!

greengiant09

seenitall wrote: »

Hi OP,

your b/f and you sound like a good match! Him being such a big softie and a wonderful provider, and you being such a strong, level-headed woman as you come across in your post. I can really appreciate how much you love this guy and how much you want to stick by him.

I'm afraid nothing comes to mind at the moment on what to do about that vampire who wants to take him from you, or how to exactly work on that issue with him, but given he is normally the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, I am sure everything will be just fine with the two of you. And remember: the truth always finds its way in the end.

after reading the above post, i have just realised what a complete error of judgement i made in my last message.

the above poster is right, i feel sorry your poor b/f....us men are so weak and then there's those evil women constantly about testing our will at every oportunity. no wonder your b/f eventually fell under her charms....the evil temptress....i bet she somehow put him under some spell which caused him to take out his penis, photograph with his phone and then send it to her. i'm sure he was disgusted with himself after....everyone knows how easy it is to do something so stupid.

and of course pulling out his cock at a wedding to another girl...of course he didn't remember........well, the poor lad had too much the drink....probably been working hard all day....ah sure listen, we all make mistakes..............he sounds like a wonderful lad otherwise....i'm sure all the other female readers are thinking what a great catch you got.....

seenitall

monkeerina wrote: »

I take it you're taking the ****?

Not at all. The OP explicitly said she wanted a different answer from the usual "dump him" so I felt I might as well offer her some support on that score. The OP is very determined to hold on to her man, and who can blame her? This is the future father of her children after all!

shinikins

I'm focusing on bad points because I'm hurting right now

^^ This stood out to me. You're focusing on his bad points because there are so many of them!

He's showing you no respect, he's carrying on in some form or another with someone else and you are allowing him to do so. At the very least you need to confront him on his behaviour. I'm not going to tell you that you should dump him, but if it were me in your shoes I would be out that door.

And by the way, 27 is very young to think you'll be single and alone for the rest of your life if you split. I ended a relationship at 27 after finding out my ex was cheating on me(he was sexting someone too, but of course it was entirely innocent on his part and I was making a fuss out of nothing lol). I've since met a wonderful man, who makes me happy, and who doesn't treat me like a fool. There are some gems out there!

Distorted

rainbowtrout wrote: »

The way you describe him for me sets the alarm bells ringing ' he has a good job and can provide for me'. Granted you may want those things but it sounds like you're a bit dependent on him. What happens if you get married and his behaviour continues? Will you turn a blind eye while inside it rips you to shreds because you're grateful to him for putting a roof over your head and putting food on the table?

A guy that brings me out for meals and buys me stuff but spends his time with another woman who he is possibly/probably sleeping with really doesn't sound like anything to get excited about.

This post hit the nail on my head for me. I think it identifies something you are not aware of - there is an inbalance between the two of you and you are in some way dependent on him, and somehow makes him think he has greater power than you in the relationship because he knows you will put up with him messing around.

You don't judge how good a guy is on how he pays for everything when he takes you out! Also at 27, you are hardly too old to meet someone else and you don't really need to be provided for surely?

It depends on what you want out of life. If he treats you like this now, I should imagine it will only increase in the future, as he knows he can get away with it. You see WAGS in the newspapers all the time forgiving their appallingly behaved footballer husbands and boyfriends, granted they don't seem to want to lose the lifestyle and put up with the cheating.

Emme

sarahgonegone wrote: »

The truth here is, I'm 27, he's 31, we plan to marry, he has built a house that we will live in, his family are closer to me than my own, my family love him, I absolutely do not want this otherwise wonderful relationship to end. He has a great job, he can provide for me and our children in the future, we've already named the kids, everything was set in stone. And now he's hurting me again.

Did he specifically build the house for you and him to live in, or is it just his house and you're making assumptions that you will live there with him?

Also, do you not plan to make a contribution to the household as well, at least until you have children, and possibly work part-time afterwards?

sarahgonegone wrote: »

We got through our last rough patches and it was okay for a while after I warned him to stop contacting her.

So it's likely that he hasn't been faithful in the past.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

Why do women lead a taken man away from their gf?? There are soo many single men out there, why take mine.

There are women who take men away from their wives, not just their girlfriends. It doesn't matter how many single men there are or aren't out there, some men don't know how to be faithful and some women don't care if a man is in a relationship or not.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

They've worked together for 8 or so years in the same department and I know he spends a lot of free time outside of work with her also. He and I only see each other on weekends and I'm left feeling sick all week knowing he's spending time with her.

He and she work together so they see more of each other than you. I can understand how that makes you anxious.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

She seems to be entering into his life more and more. She's come home with him at weekends recently.

Why do this? She's his colleague.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

A couple of years ago I found him in a corner showing his private area to a girl at my cousin's wedding!!

And you went back to him after that???

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I'm focusing on bad points because I'm hurting right now but normally he's the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, he always buys me everything, we eat out and he always pays, his family are such lovely people and mean the world to me.

Most relationships aren't like this. I wouldn't be happy for a partner to pay for everything all the time and neither would most other people I know. Whatever floats your boat, but independence is very important to me.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

Any replies welcome, but if you have experience in this situation, please help me, I don't and won't end this relationship. I want to be with him and start a family as soon as possible. I'm 27 and don't want to end up single and alone for the rest of my life.

I get the impression that your bf earns considerably more than you and would be a good provider. OK, that's the good news. The bad news is that he's probably incapable of being faithful. If you're willing to put up with that all your life by all means stay with him. If not being single and alone is more important to you than being treated with respect why dump him?

Many women who are married to wealthy men are happy to put up with his infidelity and disrespect as long as the husband provides everything that money can buy for the children and themselves. If you are that kind of woman maybe you and your bf have a future together. I'd imagine it's a very empty kind of life though. It wouldn't be for me, I'd rather be single and alone for the rest of my life than put up with that.

However, your bf may well dump you in the future for his colleague. It's up to you if you want to hang in there and wait for him to decide if he wants to stay with you (because you'll put up with anything) or dump you for his colleague.

Good luck, and more importantly - WAKE UP!!!:eek:

Oryx

Sarcasm is not welcome here, please keep your posts helpful and on topic. Thank you.

squonk

Hi OP. I feel really sorry for you. When you say he's the man of your dreams because he's got a house, a good job and all that, it comes across as though you look up to him i.e. like he was a bit of a catch early on and you're delighted you landed him! To be honest though, he's not really a catch. He's been having an affair for two years now and you've let him away with it. You hit the nail on the head when the sex dropped off and you joked that he was getting it elsewhere. He was!

When you say you 'plan to marry' are you engaged or is it a milestone that you've discussed and you think you are heading towards? I think if you are engaged and he's indulging in this behaviour you need to put it up to him or even walk right now. If you're not engaged then frankly he's been lieing to you through his teeth and telling you what you want to hear.

You need to work on your own independence. Sounds like you're stuck in a rut. You may have had this idea that you were going to be married by 30, happy with kids and then you found this fella with a good job, a house and a nice family and it all clicked. You need to start seeing the wood from the trees. You're not marrying his family, you're marrying him. His behaviour towards you simply isn't good enough. Put it another way, if I was your friend and came to you telling you about my girlfriend acting in this way, what would you say to me? Stand back and cast a cold eye on your situation. You have to work on your own sense of independence OP. You should not be defined as a person by who you are going out with, married to etc. You should be defined by who you are. This is obviously eating you up inside and I can tell you that it's far better to be happy and single than attached and miserable. You are only 27! You need to make it clear to your OH that his behaviour isn't something you're prepared to tolerate. He's had one chance already so you're hardly being in any way unreasonable. As it is, given the amount of time you see him for, it doesn't sound like you've got much of a relationship. Infact, what relationship there is sounds like it exists solely in your own mind.

Listen, if he's going to want to be with this other woman he's going to do it eventually. He may be stringing you along or if you're engaged, you might never get to the altar with this guy because he won't commit. If you do get to the altar, chances are it's not going to last anyway if he behaves like this and you let him away with it. Even if you get married and are prepared to overlook his behaviour, you'll eventually wake up one morning and decide enough is enough. At that point you'll probably be in your mid to late 30's and just think how much harder it'll be starting out all over again then. By then your confidence will be so low that it'll be an uphill battle. You'll at least get a boost from having dumped his ass!

I don't want to be cruel OP but these are the stark realities you're dealing with. It's not good and you need to be more assertive and independent. On a positive note, put it this way, if you can show you're no pushover and are fully prepared to walk, the thought of losing you might make him cop himself on. Sadly, I wouldn't be putting money on it.

Best of luck and I hope it works out well for you.

neuro-praxis

You seem to be asking if it's ok to accept his crap behaviour in exchange for money, a house, children and a future?

As for him being the man of your dreams, I think you might want to raise your expectations there a little. Surely the very LEAST you could hope for from the man of your dreams is faithfulness? You have very low standards for yourself.

Miss Fluff

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I'm focusing on bad points because I'm hurting right now but normally he's the most wonderful boyfriend in the world

So he's the most wonderful boyfriend in the world except for his inability to stay faithful, his obvious lack of respect for you, his penchant for lies and deceipt and his tendency to publicly humiliate you? Wonderful certainly wouldn't be the word that jumps out at me here tbh :rolleyes:

It seems apparent from your post that you're placing a lot of emphasis on money and material wealth here. While everyone aspires to be comfortable etc it shouldn't be to the detriment of everything else. Him paying for everything is totally and utterly meaningless when he can't even keep his penis in his pants.

You need to seriously wake up and see in full technicolor what is happening here. Your "poor" boyfriend is not being chased by some crazy nympho who won't take no for an answer. He's a more than willing participant in all of this, he's doubtless loving it and obviously loving it all a lot more than he loves you. If he loved you at allo he wouldn't be doing this so you'd really want to start reasessing what you define as "wonderful". It's not.

greengirl31

Hi OP ...

It sounds like you're having a terrible time and I'm sorry about that ...From what you posted though I would be 99% sure that there is some sort of affair going on and if its not physical yet it will be. But there's just a couple of things I think you should consider...

First of all this other woman - what makes you think she started all this and that she wands to take your man from you. God knows what he's telling her. for all she knows, he's not "with" you any more - you're just there till you find somewhere else to live, or he feels sorry for you and cant kick you out but you're living separate lives or he can't leave you yet cause you're a little emotional or any number of lies some men tell to get out of facing the music. Remember, he's lied to you before so he could do it again to both you and this other woman.
Also, and this is a very black and white comment, but I don't think Men or Women are unfaithful if they're happy in their current relationship. And what I mean by that is if you're happy with your partner, it would never cross your mind to be with someone else certainly there's nothing wrong with looking but that's where it should stay.
Finally, your BF doesn't sound like a very nice person at all. If I were you I'd seriously consider the position you're in. If you don't make the difficult decisions now you're setting yourself up for a life time of heartache. you're only 27 so you're not over the hill or anything - far from it!!! If you're planning to marry this man and have children it's forever - Forever is a long time and it's even longer if your miserable.

Good luck OP

Emme

Is this other woman's name Camilla by any chance? Because by the sounds of it, there are three of you in this relationship!

Novella

Look OP, the way I see it is this man has betrayed you in the past. He sent pictures of his penis to a woman. Now for some reason he is bringing her home from work. He showed his penis (I presume?) to someone at a wedding. Seriously? In all honesty, that would be my que to leave. It's just disrespectful.

How exactly do you think you can sort this out? I'm sure when you found out he'd been sending intimate pictures, he promised not to do anything of the sort again, but he did. How can you trust him? His words mean nothing to you now so talking is pointless, imo.

I get the impression you already know that you deserve more but you're simply to scared to leave. You said it yourself, you don't wanna be single. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you are being taken for a ride and being played for a fool? You could do better.

LegacyUser

Novella wrote: »

Look OP, the way I see it is this man has betrayed you in the past. He sent pictures of his penis to a woman. Now for some reason he is bringing her home from work. He showed his penis (I presume?) to someone at a wedding. Seriously? In all honesty, that would be my que to leave. It's just disrespectful.

How exactly do you think you can sort this out? I'm sure when you found out he'd been sending intimate pictures, he promised not to do anything of the sort again, but he did. How can you trust him? His words mean nothing to you now so talking is pointless, imo.

I get the impression you already know that you deserve more but you're simply to scared to leave. You said it yourself, you don't wanna be single. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you are being taken for a ride and being played for a fool? You could do better.

Ugh. The sarcasm doesn't help in any way. It's totally unnecessery and unhelpful so I'm just ignoring those comments.

I never confronted him about the pictures he sent to this bf stealer. I was too upset then didnt see him for another week and it was forgotten about by then, too weird to bring it up.


Yes he showed his penis at the wedding and the most hurtful part of that was that several members of my family saw it happen - not just me. My dad saw him do it also or i never would've believed my eyes. I confronted him about that and we sorted it out. HE had been dirnking all day and I'm not dumb - I know people do stupid stuff when drunk. I know it's not an excuse but I know my bf better than anyone and I know he gets out of control with drink. That's what upsets me now. He is drinking with this girl on weeknights. But he didnt even tell me this directly. I overheard him telling the lads last weekend in the pub and when I asked him if he was drinking with her during the week and why he was out during the week he just pretended not to hear me and then I couldn't bring it up later as it was too late.

This guy isn't all bad. HE is successful. REALLY intelligent. Fun. He has everything else going for him. He cares for me. I think we just hit a bit of a boring patch, he got an itch and has gone off the rails a little but that doesn't make this unfixable.

The reason I am holding out is because we had a big talk not long ago and i asked him about the future and his views and he told me he would never ever ever cheat if he was married or had children, he said he would never do this to his wife or kids and while he feels it's different outside wedlock he would never do it once in a proper committed relationship. We have talked so much about marriage and the future. We're not "officially" engaged but it goes without saying that we will marry soon.

My mum, his mum and me have gone to so many weddings at the local churches to watch wedding dresses and get designs for my wedding. This is a very serious relationship.

This woman is doing ALL the running. IT is 100% her fault and anyone that sees this first hand knows that. She always texts him first. Always. He's always been one of those guys who are wayyyy too nice and he always replies. I always ask him not to reply if she texts when we're in bed together at weekends but he still does and that really hurts me, but he's not doing it out of badness, he just says that he doesnt see any reason why he shouldnt reply. He says theyre just friends. But why would she text him at 2 am if there friends?? I wouldnt do that to him, I've never texted him late at night as i know he likes to get to sleep early during the week and he works very hard all week so I try not to hassle him yet this bitch thinks its ok to text him during the one day he sees me. It just hurts so much.

I know you all think i'm being dumb and focusing on this woman and blaming her but it really is her. Everything was perfect between us before she got her nails into him.


My boring housewife future might sound rubbish to some of you here but I'm from a very traditional background and I dont think I'm asking for much in life to have a nice house, a nice husband and beautiful healthy children. I want to be there to raise my children. I dont believe a mother should be out working while kids stay with childminders. In order for me to raise my children I need my husband to provide a stable income so I don't have to go out and work. I'm not asking for judgement on this part of my life. That is MY business.


I just want us to get past this rough patch. I dont want to confront him and cause arguements because I'm scared of driving him into her arms. I know I deserve to be loved and cared about and I had all of that before this woman decided to take him from me. I honestly believe she has set it as a challange for herself because that is the kind of woman she seems to be. She is one of these career women that will probably never have children and just wants to climb a ladder.


I just want to find a way to fix this. I am willing to do whatever it takes because I know we are perfect for each other. We have been together a long time and it is not worth throwing this away over the fact that he may be or may consider cheating. I know men. I know that EVERY man out there cheats at some point. Ladies- its a fact of life. I'm not the only woman who has concerns about her man cheating. Any man that is given attention by the woman will cheat. It just takes a woman who is willing to lead a taken man away. Add drink to the combination and things definitely get dangerous. I want to work around this now. I can find another man sure but it will still be the same situation because men have a weakness for women. I am willing to work harder than other women to fix my relationship and that is my ONLY crime so enough with the slagging.

And while some of you may think I am young I plan to have a large family and it could be a year before we are married which means I want to start having children within 18 months so while I may be young to some of you, I don't have forever.

Thanks to anyone who offers non sarcastic advice.

Miss Fluff

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I am willing to do whatever it takes because I know we are perfect for each other. We have been together a long time and it is not worth throwing this away over the fact that he may be or may consider cheating. I know men. I know that EVERY man out there cheats at some point. Ladies- its a fact of life.

No, not every man cheats at some point. And not every man gets his cock out and exposes himself at family functions either. And not every woman has the option not to work. You seem obsessed with material wealth and having a big house and money etc so if that is your priority then stay with this man. Of course he'll have to ask you to marry him first won't he? Has he actually proposed? I've a feeling it could take some time....

If he does actually ask you to marry him you won't have to go out to work. You'll never be short of funds. But you'll never have a faithful husband or your kids will never have a Dad whom they know loves their mother unconditionally. He evidently doesn't. And as for this tempstress luring your poor innocent husband into bed.....do you realise how totally deluded you are? He sounds more than willing. He sounds like he's having a great time actually.

You write clearly and consisely so there is no evidence of any intellectual shortcomings on your part. As such, you're just totally and utterly fooling yourself. So I'm not really sure what advice you're looking for tbh. You say you don't want to confront him, cause arguments "and drive him into her arms..." He's already IN her arms so if you're not willing to face this head-on then it's a case of putting up and shutting up. All for the sake of a few quid it would seem. You face a very lonely and unhappy future if that's the direction you choose to take.

I actually pity you.

ceadaoin.

Sorry OP but it seems like this other woman has more of relationship with your boyfriend than you do. She spends time with him during the week, and presumably sees him every day in work.

Even when he is with you he is still in touch with her, to the point of texting her when he is in bed with you..seriously,you need to wake up and realise that this man has no respect for you! If it wasn't this girl it would be someone else so stop deluding yourself that it is all her fault.

You sound a bit fixated on the whole marriage and kids thing. (Sorry but it's crazy to be going to weddings to get ideas when you're not even engaged!) You won't even confront him out of fear that it will ruin your future plans. Do you honestly think he will change if you were married? Or is it that once you have what you want you won't care anymore and he can do what he wants?

The bottom line is stop letting this guy make a fool of you! You would be letting yourself in for a lifetime of misery and insecurity if you continue in this relationship. Marriage and kids will not change him, I guarantee it

Distorted

sarahgonegone wrote: »

Yes he showed his penis at the wedding and the most hurtful part of that was that several members of my family saw it happen - not just me.

We're not "officially" engaged but it goes without saying that we will marry soon.

My mum, his mum and me have gone to so many weddings at the local churches to watch wedding dresses and get designs for my wedding. This is a very serious relationship.

I hope for your sake OP you are not going to get a big shock soon, because it sounds as if you're not going to have much to fall back on. (I actually wondered if your last comment was a spoof, surely no-one behaves like this). I cannot think why you believe such a man would make good husband and father material though.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

My boring housewife future might sound rubbish to some of you here but I'm from a very traditional background and I dont think I'm asking for much in life to have a nice house, a nice husband and beautiful healthy children. I want to be there to raise my children. I dont believe a mother should be out working while kids stay with childminders. In order for me to raise my children I need my husband to provide a stable income so I don't have to go out and work. I'm not asking for judgement on this part of my life. That is MY business.

Theres absolutely nothing wrong or boring with being a housewife and giving up work or putting your career on the back burner to raise children. But you are more likely to find an interesting and successful partner and a relationship based on equality if you are on the same level as your partner. At least if you have a career and give it up, you have proven you can do it...

If you really are interested in hooking a rich man who will keep you in comfort, you need to offer a bit more than being a doormat who is good at house cleaning - stunningly attractive looks, perfect figure, some kind of talent, the ability to have had a professional career at some stage, really interesting, educated conversation, whatever.

So I'm not criticising you for your life plan - I just think maybe your problems with your boyfriend are unsurprising really, as what you describe is a bit of a dieing breed. You need to offer more than you are doing these days to attract such a man.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

She is one of these career women that will probably never have children and just wants to climb a ladder.

I think the many women who have careers and have children would find this a bit of a surprise! Honestly OP, this sort of comment does you no favours. Equally a woman with a career before she marries could claim you were a goldigger. Criticising others for their life choices is what you claim not to want, so why level the same charges at other people yourself?

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I know that EVERY man out there cheats at some point. Ladies- its a fact of life.

How bizarre.

I do think to a small extent you are right - men who have settled for a girlfriend or wife who bores them, when confronted with a more successful, outgoing, independent model are often more easily led astray. Its a bit of a classic really.

I also feel a bit for your boyfriend - it must be awful to have a girlfriend whose main interest in you is your money and your ability to provide her with a lifestyle. I can see why he might be attracted to a woman at his work who who can make her own living. If I were him, I'd be thinking she would make a good mother for my children, because she will encourage them to achieve in life and will pass on good traits, such as a work ethic, to them.

greengiant09

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I know that EVERY man out there cheats at some point. Ladies- its a fact of life.QUOTE]

this is completely untrue. from my experience as a male, i'd say about less than a third of my mates have ever cheated on their partner or would do so.

whats worrying though this is one of many misconceptions and frankly bad beliefs you hold. i don't know what to say to you.....

you're ignorance is quite baffling.....you're ignoring all the danger signs and proceeding at all costs.....and i don't think anyone here is going to change your mind.

i'd say it's almost a certainty that he will continue to cheat while your married.....and you will either ignore it or be so dependent on him at that stage, you will be too scared to leave.

Jack B. Badd

sarahgonegone wrote: »

The reason I am holding out is because we had a big talk not long ago and i asked him about the future and his views and he told me he would never ever ever cheat if he was married or had children, he said he would never do this to his wife or kids and while he feels it's different outside wedlock he would never do it once in a proper committed relationship. We have talked so much about marriage and the future. We're not "officially" engaged but it goes without saying that we will marry soon.

Oh god, sweetheart, open your eyes

The "outside wedlock" excuse for cheating is just bullsh*t, a non-married couple can be as committed, or more so, than a married one. Marriage is not a switch that turns your relationship from something casual to "a proper committed relationship". He's using this as self-justification in the event that he does cheat and, sadly, you've bought into his propaganda. I guarantee(!) that if you were married he'd have some other excuse to justify cheating, and yet another one if you then went on to have children together.

In my opinion, he has no intention of marrying you - he's leading you down the garden path and not being "officially engaged" will be his excuse when he constantly pushes back marriage plans and/or leaves you eventually. It does not go without saying that you will marry soon.

As for this other woman who's attempting (succeeding from the sounds of it) to steal your boyfriend, even if she is doing ALL the running, even if it is 100% her actions that are initiating contact with him, he's still maintaining that contact! Either he's happy to be "led astray" by her, in which case he's a cheater that's purposefully treating you like a second class citizen in your own relationship, or he's not interested but extremely easily led. Easily led to the extent that I don't know why anyone would want to be with him - he'd be less than a child when it comes to responsibility and decision making if this highly unlikely scenario were the case.

I doubt you're going to listen to me, or any of the other posters who have posted similar sentiments, but you will do best by yourself if you leave him. Face your fear - jump feet first into it! - and choose to be single. You really sound like you need some time to develop yourself as an independent, self-confident, self-respecting person before attempting a relationship. Get counselling, find a support group, learn to be yourself and give yourself enough self-worth that you no longer feel that this waste of space is worth the time of day from you.

I really hope you choose this route, I'd love to believe that you will. If not, be aware that you chose this unhappiness and you have no-one to blame for it but yourself - apologies if this seems harsh but I don't think you'll benefit by me sugar coating it.

LegacyUser

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Oh god, sweetheart, open your eyes

The "outside wedlock" excuse for cheating is just bullsh*t, a non-married couple can be as committed, or more so, than a married one. Marriage is not a switch that turns your relationship from something casual to "a proper committed relationship". He's using this as self-justification in the event that he does cheat and, sadly, you've bought into his propaganda. I guarantee(!) that if you were married he'd have some other excuse to justify cheating, and yet another one if you then went on to have children together.

In my opinion, he has no intention of marrying you - he's leading you down the garden path and not being "officially engaged" will be his excuse when he constantly pushes back marriage plans and/or leaves you eventually. It does not go without saying that you will marry soon.

As for this other woman who's attempting (succeeding from the sounds of it) to steal your boyfriend, even if she is doing ALL the running, even if it is 100% her actions that are initiating contact with him, he's still maintaining that contact! Either he's happy to be "led astray" by her, in which case he's a cheater that's purposefully treating you like a second class citizen in your own relationship, or he's not interested but extremely easily led. Easily led to the extent that I don't know why anyone would want to be with him - he'd be less than a child when it comes to responsibility and decision making if this highly unlikely scenario were the case.

I doubt you're going to listen to me, or any of the other posters who have posted similar sentiments, but you will do best by yourself if you leave him. Face your fear - jump feet first into it! - and choose to be single. You really sound like you need some time to develop yourself as an independent, self-confident, self-respecting person before attempting a relationship. Get counselling, find a support group, learn to be yourself and give yourself enough self-worth that you no longer feel that this waste of space is worth the time of day from you.

I really hope you choose this route, I'd love to believe that you will. If not, be aware that you chose this unhappiness and you have no-one to blame for it but yourself - apologies if this seems harsh but I don't think you'll benefit by me sugar coating it.

I just have a couple of points.

My bf IS extremely easily led. He always has been. But instead of being put off by this i thought it was his cutest quality up to now where he's being led away from me. But thats where I fit in. I was able to organise stuff for him and tell him 'no, don't do that' but now he's being led away. I know this quality would put most people off but I've always been a tough stubborn girl so I didn't mind him being so easily led.

And I do believe he would absolutely NOT cheat when we're married and have kids. I know others don't believe this but I know him and I know he means that.

And again - I have no proof that he is cheating now. Just speculation and its combined with my paranoia that makes everything so much worse.

But he is from a good religious background. He will not take marriage lightly. He told me so. His mum would not allow him to behave like that in a marriage, she would disown him as would his hole family. He will not behave like this when everything is official and I'm absolutely sure of that. If he is wrongdoing me now its most likely hes doing it to get it out of his system before he settles down and I honestly don't believe he'll ever do it again.

I wanted to talk to him about it this weekend but hes brought this ***** from work home with him again.

Life is ****.

rainbowtrout

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I never confronted him about the pictures he sent to this bf stealer. I was too upset then didnt see him for another week and it was forgotten about by then, too weird to bring it up.

Forgotten about? Seriously? Just too weird to bring it up? Why? It's a pretty serious thing to have happened to just sweep it under the carpet and forget about it. Actually all it's taught your boyfriend is that he can behave completely outrageously and you won't say a word.


You're also living in cloud cuckoo land if you keep thinking of this other woman as a boyfriend stealer. She doesn't appear to have to do much work, your boyfriend is more than willing to comply.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

He is drinking with this girl on weeknights. But he didnt even tell me this directly. I overheard him telling the lads last weekend in the pub and when I asked him if he was drinking with her during the week and why he was out during the week he just pretended not to hear me and then I couldn't bring it up later as it was too late.

He pretended not to hear you. So he ignored you. Ignoring you is pretty disrespectful to start with but he wasn't even going to give you an explanation as to why he was out with this girl during the week. He knows what he's doing and again chose to ignore you and you let him away with it. Why couldn't you bring it up later? It's never too late. You just didn't want to hear something you know you won't like. You're afraid of what he'll say is happening between this woman and himself.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

This guy isn't all bad. HE is successful. REALLY intelligent. Fun. He has everything else going for him. He cares for me. I think we just hit a bit of a boring patch, he got an itch and has gone off the rails a little but that doesn't make this unfixable.

There are lots of men out there who are successful, intelligent and fun. Choose one of them instead of this man. He doesn't care for you. I'm just shocked that you will accept that he has 'an itch'. It's not an itch, it's being going on for a couple of years. He is having a relationship with this woman and you are the person he goes to when he is bored.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

The reason I am holding out is because we had a big talk not long ago and i asked him about the future and his views and he told me he would never ever ever cheat if he was married or had children, he said he would never do this to his wife or kids and while he feels it's different outside wedlock he would never do it once in a proper committed relationship. We have talked so much about marriage and the future. We're not "officially" engaged but it goes without saying that we will marry soon.

My mum, his mum and me have gone to so many weddings at the local churches to watch wedding dresses and get designs for my wedding. This is a very serious relationship.

So he's basically saying while he's not married to you or any other woman he is going to continue cheating. You have not pulled him up on this so he knows that he can get away with it.

You're not officially engaged and to be honest it doesn't sound like you ever will be. What's all this about 'we will marry soon' Did he say that, because I very much doubt that he did. All of this marriage stuff is in your head and your head alone. He might have given some sort of answer like 'soon' or 'sometime in the future' but if he hasn't produced the ring, you are not engaged or anywhere near it and nowhere near being married.

You are having the relationship with your mother and his mother it seems, not him. You have all decided that you are getting married. Somehow I doubt he has decided that. My gut feeling is that his mother does like you and sees you as a nice traditional, sensible woman who would make a good wife. She would like to see her son married to you because in her mind it would be good for him. She probably knows he a lothario and is hoping he will settle down with you. He has other ideas however.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

This woman is doing ALL the running. IT is 100% her fault and anyone that sees this first hand knows that. She always texts him first. Always. He's always been one of those guys who are wayyyy too nice and he always replies. I always ask him not to reply if she texts when we're in bed together at weekends but he still does and that really hurts me, but he's not doing it out of badness, he just says that he doesnt see any reason why he shouldnt reply. He says theyre just friends. But why would she text him at 2 am if there friends?? I wouldnt do that to him, I've never texted him late at night as i know he likes to get to sleep early during the week and he works very hard all week so I try not to hassle him yet this bitch thinks its ok to text him during the one day he sees me. It just hurts so much.

I know you all think i'm being dumb and focusing on this woman and blaming her but it really is her. Everything was perfect between us before she got her nails into him.

How do you know she always texts first. Did he tell you that? You can't monitor what he does during the week only on one day of the week when you see him and he has so little respect for you that when she's texting him while you're in bed and you ask him to stop, he doesn't.

She is free to text him whenever she wants. You can't control what she does. You can't control what your boyfriend does either, but he chooses to continue texting her in your presence when he knows it hurts you. Do you class that as caring for you?

How do you know he likes to get to sleep early during the week? He probably just told you that so YOU wouldn't be texting him while he was out with this other woman.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

My boring housewife future might sound rubbish to some of you here but I'm from a very traditional background and I dont think I'm asking for much in life to have a nice house, a nice husband and beautiful healthy children. I want to be there to raise my children. I dont believe a mother should be out working while kids stay with childminders. In order for me to raise my children I need my husband to provide a stable income so I don't have to go out and work. I'm not asking for judgement on this part of my life. That is MY business.

There's nothing wrong with that, but you can have all of that PLUS a husband you loves you, respects you and who you can trust. It doesn't have to be either or.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I just want us to get past this rough patch. I dont want to confront him and cause arguements because I'm scared of driving him into her arms. I know I deserve to be loved and cared about and I had all of that before this woman decided to take him from me. I honestly believe she has set it as a challange for herself because that is the kind of woman she seems to be. She is one of these career women that will probably never have children and just wants to climb a ladder.


I just want to find a way to fix this. I am willing to do whatever it takes because I know we are perfect for each other. We have been together a long time and it is not worth throwing this away over the fact that he may be or may consider cheating. I know men. I know that EVERY man out there cheats at some point. Ladies- its a fact of life. I'm not the only woman who has concerns about her man cheating. Any man that is given attention by the woman will cheat. It just takes a woman who is willing to lead a taken man away. Add drink to the combination and things definitely get dangerous. I want to work around this now. I can find another man sure but it will still be the same situation because men have a weakness for women. I am willing to work harder than other women to fix my relationship and that is my ONLY crime so enough with the slagging.

And while some of you may think I am young I plan to have a large family and it could be a year before we are married which means I want to start having children within 18 months so while I may be young to some of you, I don't have forever.

This woman has not set herself a challenge, she likes your boyfriend and by the sounds of it he likes her. She doesn't seem to have to do any work at all. And if she chooses to have a career and not to have children is none of your business and you don't have the right to cast aspersions on her if that is her choice. It also has no bearing on your situation.

Not every man cheats. Some men cheat. Some women cheat. You are only trying to normalise your boyfriends behaviour and make it acceptable to yourself by saying all men cheat.


You are only 27, you can do so much better for yourself. Don't waste time with this waster. It will all end in tears. You know this and you don't want to confront him because you know what the answer will be.

You will not be married within a year and I'm sorry to say you will not be having children within 18 months because he has not proposed to you, you are not engaged and because his behaviour is so acceptable to you, he will continue in this vein for as long as he can get away with it. You have loads of time to have a large family. But don't waste any more of it on this guy.

Jack B. Badd

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I honestly don't believe he'll ever do it again.

Why are you accepting that he'll cheat on you at all? How low is your self worth that you don't believe that you can have the relationship, the marriage, the house, the children, the love, the fidelity, all in one package?

rainbowtrout

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I just have a couple of points.

My bf IS extremely easily led. He always has been. But instead of being put off by this i thought it was his cutest quality up to now where he's being led away from me. But thats where I fit in. I was able to organise stuff for him and tell him 'no, don't do that' but now he's being led away. I know this quality would put most people off but I've always been a tough stubborn girl so I didn't mind him being so easily led.

And I do believe he would absolutely NOT cheat when we're married and have kids. I know others don't believe this but I know him and I know he means that.

And again - I have no proof that he is cheating now. Just speculation and its combined with my paranoia that makes everything so much worse.

But he is from a good religious background. He will not take marriage lightly. He told me so. His mum would not allow him to behave like that in a marriage, she would disown him as would his hole family. He will not behave like this when everything is official and I'm absolutely sure of that. If he is wrongdoing me now its most likely hes doing it to get it out of his system before he settles down and I honestly don't believe he'll ever do it again.

I wanted to talk to him about it this weekend but hes brought this ***** from work home with him again.

Life is ****.

Ah look sarahgonegone, this is one of the few threads I've read on here in a while where every single poster has had the same opinion. Nobody is wavering from the fact that your boyfriend is cheating on you and treating you like sh*t.

Easily led? So you want to mammy him? He has a mother, he doesn't need another, he wants a woman who will think for herself, he's got that with the other woman.

He told you he won't take marriage lightly, he also hasn't told you he will marry YOU. What his mother will or won't tolerate doesn't come into it. She won't be in the marriage.

Again, he brought the other woman home this weekend, the only day of the week you get to spend with him. To be honest, if you have any self respect you would get out of this relationship pronto, before he gives you the boot and has the other woman moved into his house and a ring on her finger. What are you going to do when that happens? Refuse to accept that it's over and constantly hang around his house in the belief that you are still going through a rough patch?

He's not getting anything out of his system, nor should that sort of behaviour be acceptable. Before long it'll be you he's getting out of his system and you won't know what's hit you.

rainbowtrout

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Why are you accepting that he'll cheat on you at all? How low is your self worth that you don't believe that you can have the relationship, the marriage, the house, the children, the love, the fidelity, all in one package?

This really sums up the whole thread.

Distorted

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I wanted to talk to him about it this weekend but hes brought this ***** from work home with him again.

Life is ****.

Are you sure you are even this man's girlfriend?

From the sound of it, he seems as though he is just waiting for the right moment to tell both of your mothers the truth...

Life is not **** if you don't waste it waiting around for someone like a damsel in the 17th Century. And an awful lot of those damsels ended up as old maids...

Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Find a career that will see you through if your plan to marry a rich man fails.

Miss Fluff

sarahgonegone wrote: »

But he is from a good religious background. He will not take marriage lightly. He told me so. His mum would not allow him to behave like that in a marriage.

You cannot actually be serious He's going to suddenly become monogamous because his Mammy will give out to him if he doesn't???

All of this is conjecture anyway, like I said before, he hasn't actually proposed to you, has he?

fallen01angel

Hi OP,
I'm genuinely shocked at your posts here and it seems to me you are in complete denial to yourself.Your boyfriend has sent pics of his penis to his "friend" and pulled it out of his trousers at a wedding,now for the 2nd time he's bought the "friend" home....and you let him get away with it:eek:.
You are constantly implying it's all her fault,justifiying for your boyfriends pathetic behaviour by saying he's easily led,a big softy etc-Not trying to be smart here OP,but if he's so easily led how come you're not engaged yet?I appreciate that you know him better than us but I would be willing to bet that a ring on HIS finger will not make any difference to his treatment of you,you're with the guy 4YRS for goodness sake-this is not a casual relationship,you deserve a hell of a lot more respect than you getting!!Your boyfriend is having his cake and eating it,he's basically doing whatever he wants and getting away with it without so much as a peep from you cos you're afraid to rock the boat....and that is exactly why he will never change,wedding ring or not.
Now if it's advice you want I would advise you to really sit down and look hard at the last 4 yrs of your life,is this really the best you can do for yourself,is this a man you would want to help raise your kids.Have you thought about what you'd do if ye did get married and his behaviour didn't change-if you decide that this is the man you cannot do without all you can do is to continue doing as you're doing and just hope he doesn't leave for this other girl,or some one else.
I wish you luck OP.

Neyite

I'm really sorry Op, but I think you are going to get dumped.

He sounds like he is lining up your replacement, and you are on the long finger as a back-up plan in case this relationship does not work out. They spend far too much time together to be just friends, and from the way he talks about her to others, she impresses him - maybe because she is independant, and not afraid to spell out what she wants in life. Maybe because she is so different from you.

You have spelled out what you find attractive here - that he is a good provider, has a house, can give you financial security. What is he attracted to? How does that measure up with you? How does that measure up with her?

You say that you dont want to end this, but you are not prepared to fight for it. You dont her to 'get her claws' into him, yet you wont talk to him about it. You dont want her in his life, but you are not going to give him an ultimatum.

He cheats because there is no risk to him - its not like you are going anywhere, you are not going to chuck him out. Where is the consequences for his actions? You wont shout at him or start chucking plates at his head, you dont even give him a hard time when he comes in after spending all his time with her.

ceadaoin.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I just have a couple of points.

My bf IS extremely easily led. He always has been. But instead of being put off by this i thought it was his cutest quality up to now where he's being led away from me. But thats where I fit in. I was able to organise stuff for him and tell him 'no, don't do that' but now he's being led away. I know this quality would put most people off but I've always been a tough stubborn girl so I didn't mind him being so easily led.

In other words, you want to mother him. Most men do not find this an attractive quality in a partner

sarahgonegone wrote: »

And again - I have no proof that he is cheating now. Just speculation and its combined with my paranoia that makes everything so much worse.

It's not speculation or paranoia. He clearly is having a relationship with this girl.

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I wanted to talk to him about it this weekend but hes brought this ***** from work home with him again.

Again, he is in a relationship with this person. You don't bring friends of the opposite sex from work home at the weekend unless they are more than your friend. Where does she stay when she is there?

I have to echo what Distorted said above...are you sure you are in a relationship with this guy? It seems his mother would certainly like that to be the case but what about him? When he talked about being married in the future, did he actually say it would be to you? If you want to keep your dignity here you should back away now

Kimia

Op, he's not in a relationship with you. He's in a relationship with this woman from work. For all you know YOU'RE the bf stealer to her - maybe she has no idea you're even his 'gf' - it doesn't sound like you're in a relationship at all. And he sounds like a horrible person. Sorry.

I am a friend

So where is he sleeping? Where is she sleeping and where are you sleeping?

Tbh, this sounds farcical... How are ye all spending the evening? The 3 of ye sitting in watching tv???

Neyite

I am a friend wrote: »

So where is he sleeping? Where is she sleeping and where are you sleeping?

Tbh, this sounds farcical... How are ye all spending the evening? The 3 of ye sitting in watching tv???

My impression from the OP is that he has his own house but the OP does not live with him. She sees him on the weekends, I think.

carlybabe1

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I've been with the man of my dreams for 4 and a half years. I love him completely through and through.

I first suspected him of cheating with one particular woman 2 years ago but he has denied everything and I've come to finally trust his words because if I don't we will never be able to work this out. Things have been so much better recently compared to the past.

If this is so much better, id hate to see the rough patches, what does he have to do, have sex with someone else in front of you before you cop on what type of bloke he is :eek:

He was constantly texting this woman, having discreet calls with her late at night, always e-mailing, I saw she had sent him a dodgy picture message before and he sent one of his penis back to her. Obviously it really hurt me given we had so much of a future planned together.

Doesnt sound to me like he has a RELATIONSHIP planned together

The truth here is, I'm 27, he's 31, we plan to marry, he has built a house that we will live in, his family are closer to me than my own, my family love him, I absolutely do not want this otherwise wonderful relationship to end. He has a great job, he can provide for me and our children in the future, we've already named the kids, everything was set in stone. And now he's hurting me again.

Absolutely nothing is set in stone OP, not even the healthiest of relationships, which this clearly isnt
We got through our last rough patches and it was okay for a while after I warned him to stop contacting her. She seems to be a total nutter, always texting him and harassing him. He's always been a really weak man, he's a total softie and when this woman texts him telling him she's feeling sad or such, he HAS to reply to her feeling sorry for her or something??

Get a grip OP, if he didnt want to talk to her he wounldnt, he has a mind of his own, hes a big boy now, he gets to take responsibilities for his actions, its called being an adult.
Now ask yourself, how many of your texts has he ignored/not answered

I just don't get it. Why do men fall for this kind of BS? Why do women lead a taken man away from their gf?? There are soo many single men out there, why take mine.

MEN dont, your boyfriend does

They've worked together for 8 or so years in the same department and I know he spends a lot of free time outside of work with her also. He and I only see each other on weekends and I'm left feeling sick all week knowing he's spending time with her.

Seriously unhealthy, Im sure you're feeling powerless, but you're not, you can leave OP and find someone who DESERVES you

She seems to be entering into his life more and more. She's come home with him at weekends recently. :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

As in back to his house??

I've told him he is not to talk about her anymore, I'm so sick of hearing stories about her.

You need to ask yourself why he feels the need to talk to and about her all the time

I don't understand why she would want to take him from me like this. I have got her phone number from his phone and have typed up texts telling her to leave us alone so many times but haven't had the courage to send them. I have called her number with mine on private so many times but hung up before I could speak. i've met her a few times but never spoken directly to her, just been there while she talks to my man.

No-one can TAKE someone away, unless that person wants to go, and it sounds like he does

I think stuff has happened between my bf and her recently. His interest in our sex life dropped really suddenly, I joked with him about him getting it with some other girl and he said nothing.

It hurts so much.

We slept together on Saturday night and I found two huge bruises on his neck and what I thought were nail marks all over his back. He had a very good excuse and 90% of me believes him, he plays rugby, says it was from that, but I still have doubts and don't know if it's because I'm over suspicious now or what. I admit fully I am probably reading too deep into all of this and need to calm down!!

Maybe it is all totally innocent, but he has done inappropriate stuff in front of me in the past.

A couple of years ago I found him in a corner showing his private area to a girl at my cousin's wedding!! To be fair he was very very drunk and didn't even remember doing it the next day but needless to say I was upset.

I'm focusing on bad points because I'm hurting right now but normally he's the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, [U

]he always

buys me everything, we eat out and he always pays, [/U]

sounds like you've got your priorities all sorted then eh?


I just don't know what to do.

LEAVE, bow out gracefully, it sounds like he has feelings for this other vampire

I know everyone here always says 'dump him' but I really want an alternative answer here, I want to learn how to work around these issues with him. [/B]

Or learn how to live feeling like then consolation prize

Maybe I can get him to come to counselling with me to fix this before he messes everything up for us both. Up to now I thought he would grow out of his dumb behaviour but if anything he seems to be getting worse and I'm so scared he'll end up breaking us up for this other woman. I've been trying to get him to apply for another job because at least if he works somewhere else he won't be around this vampire anymore, she really is determined to take him from me. I've seen her give me nasty looks when we're all together, she resents me even though I'm the victim in this.

Any replies welcome, but if you have experience in this situation, please help me, I don't and won't end this relationship. I want to be with him and start a family as soon as possible.

unfortunately, you CANT make him love you OP
Such a bad idea op,when you have kids you want them to be an extension of a loving relationship, not a mistake when the relationship (and boyfriend) from hell goes swanning off into the sunset

I'm 27 and don't want to end up single and alone for the rest of my life.


I doubt thats gonna happen, but Ill tell ye what could, you looking back at what you've accepted for 20 + years and realizing that you've given a (unfaithful) waster the best years of your life only for him to sap your confidence and wreck your head...the way you felt when you posted you OP is the way you're ALWAYS gonna feel in this relationship OP, is that really how you want to feel for the foreseeable future???
Sorry OP, wish I could tell you what you want to hear, but not the case Im afraid. I do believe you deserve much better tho, and if you give yourself a chance, you'll get it xx
hope u resolve this soon

Esoteric_

I can't add much more to what's already been said but I wanted to say one thing -

You said that she's basically a total nutter and is the one doing all the contacting. When my ex and I broke up, we remained friends and spoke every day. It was usually me who initiated contact, that's just how it happened. He initiated it a fair bit too, though. He then (without me knowing) made me out to be a complete loon to his girlfriend. Made it sound like I was a complete nutcase who was obsessed with him and of course she believed it because he wouldn't text me when she was around. Or he'd tell me he couldn't talk if she was around so if he didn't respond for a day or two I'd ask was he with her, because then I'd leave him alone. He told me that she was extremely obsessive and possessive and he wasn't allowed female friends.

My point is, you don't know and have never spoken to this girl. She could easily be a normal, nice girl like my ex's girlfriend was, but BOTH of us were fed lies about the other, making us hate each other without even speaking.

Your boyfriend could easily be doing this.

Oryx

Op, you asked 'can we get past his questionable behaviour'. Well, it sounds like he doesn't actually want to get past it. He is having quite a good time. So that leaves you. Can you put up with this? Because I know you wont leave him, you have a hopelessly optimistic future mapped out with him.

But take this from someone who is older, married, and maybe wiser, or at least less starry eyed about it. Marriage is no fairytale. Making one work is the hardest thing you may ever do, even if you begin on a secure, loving footing, which you have not described here. And a bad marriage with a man you can't trust would be the loneliest place to find yourself. There are worse things than being single. Also, thinking of bringing children into this whole unstable mess is the worst thing you could do.

But I know you wont make the hard demands on this man that are needed and as I said you wont leave him. So all I can do is wish you luck, and hope that you open your eyes even a little before its too late.

Novella

sarahgonegone wrote: »

Ugh. The sarcasm doesn't help in any way. It's totally unnecessery and unhelpful so I'm just ignoring those comments.

I don't know what makes you think I was being sarcastic?

I never confronted him about the pictures he sent to this bf stealer. I was too upset then didnt see him for another week and it was forgotten about by then, too weird to bring it up.

Why are you calling her a bf stealer? She is not the one who has any obligations to you. She has no responsibility for yours and his relationship. It's not that I think she's a great person if she genuinely does want your bf and knows about you, but he is the issue here, not her.

It obviously wasn't forgotten about. It's still on your mind. You should be able to talk about things that are bothering you at any time.

Yes he showed his penis at the wedding and the most hurtful part of that was that several members of my family saw it happen - not just me. My dad saw him do it also or i never would've believed my eyes. I confronted him about that and we sorted it out. HE had been dirnking all day and I'm not dumb - I know people do stupid stuff when drunk. I know it's not an excuse but I know my bf better than anyone and I know he gets out of control with drink. That's what upsets me now. He is drinking with this girl on weeknights. But he didnt even tell me this directly. I overheard him telling the lads last weekend in the pub and when I asked him if he was drinking with her during the week and why he was out during the week he just pretended not to hear me and then I couldn't bring it up later as it was too late.

I'm being serious here, I would've been gone after that. Being drunk is not an excuse for hurting the people you supposedly love. I can understand doing stupid things after a few drinks but personally, I just think that what he did was too far.

This guy isn't all bad. HE is successful. REALLY intelligent. Fun. He has everything else going for him. He cares for me. I think we just hit a bit of a boring patch, he got an itch and has gone off the rails a little but that doesn't make this unfixable.

I'm not saying your bf is a bad person, I don't know him. I'm only judging on what you say and you're not painting him in the best light.

The reason I am holding out is because we had a big talk not long ago and i asked him about the future and his views and he told me he would never ever ever cheat if he was married or had children, he said he would never do this to his wife or kids and while he feels it's different outside wedlock he would never do it once in a proper committed relationship. We have talked so much about marriage and the future. We're not "officially" engaged but it goes without saying that we will marry soon.

Okay.

This woman is doing ALL the running. IT is 100% her fault and anyone that sees this first hand knows that. She always texts him first. Always.

There is nothing stopping him walking away though. There's nothing stopping him not replying. If he didn't wanna spend time with her, text her etc., he wouldn't.

He's always been one of those guys who are wayyyy too nice and he always replies. I always ask him not to reply if she texts when we're in bed together at weekends but he still does and that really hurts me, but he's not doing it out of badness, he just says that he doesnt see any reason why he shouldnt reply. He says theyre just friends. But why would she text him at 2 am if there friends?? I wouldnt do that to him, I've never texted him late at night as i know he likes to get to sleep early during the week and he works very hard all week so I try not to hassle him yet this bitch thinks its ok to text him during the one day he sees me. It just hurts so much.

I've bolded what jumps out at me. You would never do that him. He is hurting you. You deserve someone who treats you with the respect that you show to them. He knows he is hurting you but yet he doesn't stop. I don't get that.

My boring housewife future might sound rubbish to some of you here but I'm from a very traditional background and I dont think I'm asking for much in life to have a nice house, a nice husband and beautiful healthy children.

That doesn't sound boring to me. I think almost everyone wants to have a 'nice' life. Of course you're not asking for too much. But can this man give you nice? He might be able to give you a house and children and financial support but is how you feel right now nice?

I want to be there to raise my children. I dont believe a mother should be out working while kids stay with childminders. In order for me to raise my children I need my husband to provide a stable income so I don't have to go out and work. I'm not asking for judgement on this part of my life. That is MY business.

That doesn't mean you have to settle for a man who treats you poorly.

I know men. I know that EVERY man out there cheats at some point. Ladies- its a fact of life.

This is just not true.

I want to work around this now. I can find another man sure but it will still be the same situation because men have a weakness for women. I am willing to work harder than other women to fix my relationship and that is my ONLY crime so enough with the slagging.

I truly wasn't slagging you off. I am really sorry if it came across as that to you but it was never my intention.
.

Thanks to anyone who offers non sarcastic advice.

Unnecessary. I was trying to help you.

johnr1

This sounded a bit off to me from the start, and with every successive post by the OP it gets more outlandish.
I respectfully suggest it's time to stop feeding this one.


edit: I was clearly wrong. Sorry OP, and well spotted Ickle, good mod decision.

Ickle Magoo

As per the forum charter:

Silverfish wrote: »

If you have an issues with a post or a thread report it, do not post "I think this is a troll" as it will be considered off topic posting and by now you should all know off topic posting can resulted in infractions and/or a ban from this forum.

Report the posts let the Mods make a call on it, it could be well that the thread started out as an attempt to troll but there could well be people out there struggling with that issues and the thread maybe helpful to them now or when they search boards.

Again replying to a thread to state you think it is a troll attempt will be considered off topic posting.

If you have nothing in the way of constructive advice to offer then kindly refrain from posting.

I am a friend

OP, ws just thinking about this and another (harsh) reality is that there are some guys who will marry a certain 'type' of girl.. In other words, maybe he would consider you good wife and mother material but would rather someone else on the side, or a string of someone elses on the side, to have sex / fun/ good times with.

In any event, you would be placed as 'her indoors', the wifey and not earning enough respect for him to be faithful. He is already treating you appallingly - what do his friends / family think of the new girl ehre for the weekend?

LegacyUser

Hi OP, having read the posts it sounds to me that you are the 'bit on the side' and the man you consider to be your boyfriend is in fact in a loving relationship with this woman.
You were the 'weekend sex' for this man for a number of years, he found a woman to spend every night of the week with when away working and on the occasions when he does come home he has started to bring his girlfriend back to his home with him.
I think you need to wake up and your mother needs to wake up, you've made too many assumptions about your future and you may have even frightened the poor man, just because he's had sex with you doesn't mean he wants to marry you.
Pillow talk can lead to all sorts of promises and messing about talking about naming kids, it happens when two people are relaxed in bed and having made love conversations like that can take place.
You need to assess your situation. One poster speculated that you may not be living in this wonderful house that he has built, that maybe you get the odd 'weekend pass' to stay over, if that's the case then I'm afraid you may not be his girlfriend and this man is being easily lead by YOU the odd weekend he is down to visit without his girlfriend.

coolcat63

Just to add to all the good advice you have already received (but are choosing to ignore) you should stop all the silent calls to 'her' - you could get into trouble for harrassment.

dudara

OP - where is this other woman that he has bought home for the weekend? Is she staying with him?

It really sounds as if you don't have the relationship that you think you have. It seems that you are a part of his history that he hasn't managaed to distance himself from yet. He doesn't seem to have the courage to tell you, his family or your family yet.

In all your posts, you mention how he has discussed marriage, but you never mentioned how he has discussed marriage with you.

Respectfully, and I could be reading this completely wrong, but you appear to be the third party in his relationship - its just that no one has worked it out yet.

Katy89

sarahgonegone wrote: »

I just have a couple of points.

My bf IS extremely easily led. He always has been. But instead of being put off by this i thought it was his cutest quality up to now where he's being led away from me. But thats where I fit in. I was able to organise stuff for him and tell him 'no, don't do that' but now he's being led away. I know this quality would put most people off but I've always been a tough stubborn girl so I didn't mind him being so easily led.

And I do believe he would absolutely NOT cheat when we're married and have kids. I know others don't believe this but I know him and I know he means that.

And again - I have no proof that he is cheating now. Just speculation and its combined with my paranoia that makes everything so much worse.

But he is from a good religious background. He will not take marriage lightly. He told me so. His mum would not allow him to behave like that in a marriage, she would disown him as would his hole family. He will not behave like this when everything is official and I'm absolutely sure of that. If he is wrongdoing me now its most likely hes doing it to get it out of his system before he settles down and I honestly don't believe he'll ever do it again.

I wanted to talk to him about it this weekend but hes brought this ***** from work home with him again.

Life is ****.

OP, I don't think anybody can help you here. You are ignoring everything what's being said to you and are you aware that estimated 90 % of the posts tell you more or less the same?
you still don't think there's some reality in what people try to bring to you?

why did you post here if you are not open to opinions? people take the time to reply and the only thing you do is defending your bf.

as I see it you have your mind already made up, you want to stay with him but why do you ask for advice then?

put up with his behaviour for the rest of your life and stop whining (do you know you can't change peoples characters?)

that's my advice according to your replies here to people who want to help.