Older sibling wants contact?

LegacyUser

I have a ten year old son. His father and I split when I was pregnant as his father didn't want a child. He had a daughter from a previous relationship at that time who was 10, and I had a decent relationship with her at the time.

This girl has contacted me (in a hand written letter) recently saying she would like to get to know her younger (half) brother. There has never been any contact between my sons aunts/uncles/grandparents following the split. This girl is still in constant contact with her dad - he was actually a very good father to her when we were together, despite the fact that he has chosen not to know his son.

I am very confused. My son knows he has an older sister - but hasn't asked about her in years. I'm concerned that this situation could open a whole can of worms for him. He seems fine about his father - has seen a few photos but isn't that interested in getting to know him (not that it would be an option anyway).

The fact that they share a dad...and grandparents and aunts and uncles who love and adore her...and who haven't wanted to know him is obviously my biggest issue with this.
What kind of a relationship could they ever have?
She has said she will respect my wishes and that perhaps my son is a bit young to deal with the fact that she sees her/his dad all the time. She has also made it perfectly clear that his dad still does not want contact with him and she isn't speaking for his aunts/uncles or grandparents.
What are peoples thoughts on this?

Daisy M

Hi op well firstly just to say I fully understand your concerns and think your doing the right thing in not rushing into making any decisions.
This girl sounds very mature and responsible and that she could in fact be a very positive addition in your sons life. Your son will at some stage have to deal with the fact that his dad and family have never entertained having a relationship with him. I think which ever way you go you are taking a risk, if you allow him to meet his sister you risk him ending up hurt by the fact that their shared father has no interest in meeting him, however should you deny him the possibility of developing a relationship with her now he could really resent this when hes older. Would you consider letting your son make the choice, maybe they could take things very very slowly and start of as pen friends or email each other once a month or so to begin with. I think in some way you need to make sure your child realises that he as an individual was not rejected by his dad, just that his dad didnt want another child and that the issues and problems around this are of his dads making and are not your sons problem. Best of luck to you all.

Moonbeam

Meet her and talk to her first and then make a decision.
Fair play to her for making contact and wanting to know her younger brother.

Justask

This is very tough for you and I will find myself in the same place in the future which I dread :eek:

I might have this wrong but your little lads sister is 20?

If I was you I would tell her that she will have to wait until yor son is older so you can talk to him about it and what his wishes are.

But I think that she sounds like a good person wanting to get in touch with her brother!

I really dont think there is a right or wrong answer to this, best go with your gut feelings.
You have brought your son up for 10 years and whatever you decide to do will be the right thing for you son.

I wish you the very best of luck

LegacyUser

She's 23 now.

My gut feeling is that my son is too immature to handle this situation just yet. He understands that he has an older sister, but I never explained the ins-and-outs of that to him. I never explained that when he split with his wife and his daughter was 2, he became the most wonderful father to her - bringing his then ex to court for custody of her and gaining joint custody. So she spent 50% of her time with him.

and then my son comes along and nada. As opposite a story as you could possibly imagine.

He's doing really well - we have a nice relaxed lifestyle and I'm unsure what to do about this. I rang rainbows to see if they could offer any advice. They suggested we run to her with open arms (practically) and look at this as a way that my son could possibly get contact from his dad. There's no way Im doing that - no way I'd look on this in that way - I personally think their advice was completely wrong, although I'm sure they're good at what they do.

Daisy M

unregistered wrote: »

She's 23 now.

My gut feeling is that my son is too immature to handle this situation just yet. He understands that he has an older sister, but I never explained the ins-and-outs of that to him. I never explained that when he split with his wife and his daughter was 2, he became the most wonderful father to her - bringing his then ex to court for custody of her and gaining joint custody. So she spent 50% of her time with him.

and then my son comes along and nada. As opposite a story as you could possibly imagine.

He's doing really well - we have a nice relaxed lifestyle and I'm unsure what to do about this. I rang rainbows to see if they could offer any advice. They suggested we run to her with open arms (practically) and look at this as a way that my son could possibly get contact from his dad. There's no way Im doing that - no way I'd look on this in that way - I personally think their advice was completely wrong, although I'm sure they're good at what they do.

Its obvious your extremely hurt on your sons behalf, cant say I can blame you I would be the same, it would be something I could never forgive. However rainbows are giving you advice which they think is in the best interest of your son, your feelings are not the priority, in their eyes anyway. I think you should broach the subject of his half sister with your son, you dont need to give full details maybe just mention her and see how it goes. I understand that you think he is too immature but part of me thinks it may actually be easier for him to deal with this and accept it than when he is a teenager and could possibly be all over the place as teenagers can be.

Justask

unregistered wrote: »

She's 23 now.

My gut feeling is that my son is too immature to handle this situation just yet. He understands that he has an older sister, but I never explained the ins-and-outs of that to him. I never explained that when he split with his wife and his daughter was 2, he became the most wonderful father to her - bringing his then ex to court for custody of her and gaining joint custody. So she spent 50% of her time with him.

and then my son comes along and nada. As opposite a story as you could possibly imagine.

He's doing really well - we have a nice relaxed lifestyle and I'm unsure what to do about this. I rang rainbows to see if they could offer any advice. They suggested we run to her with open arms (practically) and look at this as a way that my son could possibly get contact from his dad. There's no way Im doing that - no way I'd look on this in that way - I personally think their advice was completely wrong, although I'm sure they're good at what they do.

10 is far to young I aggree! A few more years wont put her out if she is serious about wanting to get to know him!

After saying that do you want to upset your "nice relaxed lifesyle"
Are you best to leave well alone....

Let us know what you decide i'd be intrested to know

Justask

is mise astra wrote: »

Its obvious your extremely hurt on your sons behalf, cant say I can blame you I would be the same, it would be something I could never forgive. However rainbows are giving you advice which they think is in the best interest of your son, your feelings are not the priority, in their eyes anyway. I think you should broach the subject of his half sister with your son, you dont need to give full details maybe just mention her and see how it goes. I understand that you think he is too immature but part of me thinks it may actually be easier for him to deal with this and accept it than when he is a teenager and could possibly be all over the place as teenagers can be.

Yea you have a point there...but really who is this going to benifit by the young boy getting to know his sister? He seems to be getting on just grand..


It really is a hard one to call isnt it...:eek:

I think 10 is very young to take all that in

metrovelvet

First thing I'd want to know is if her father knows about this and if he approves of it

Justask

metrovelvet wrote: »

First thing I'd want to know is if her father knows about this and if he approves of it

:eek: god I didnt even think about that :eek:

LegacyUser

I said in my first post that she was really clear that his dad wants no part of this - yes, he knows, but has told her not to involve him.

She said she can't speak for the wider family as she's not very close to them, and they don't know she wrote to me.

Justask

unregistered wrote: »

I said in my first post that she was really clear that his dad wants no part of this - yes, he knows, but has told her not to involve him.

She said she can't speak for the wider family as she's not very close to them, and they don't know she wrote to me.

He sounds like hes going for father of the year :mad:

I would ask myself how would my son benefit from this..hes your No1 no one else matters!

I really wish you all the best

Daisy M

unregistered wrote: »

I said in my first post that she was really clear that his dad wants no part of this - yes, he knows, but has told her not to involve him.

She said she can't speak for the wider family as she's not very close to them, and they don't know she wrote to me.

Sounds like a right charmer, personally I cant see any benefit in your son meeting him. I agree it coud be a good idea for you to meet with her and see how you feel after that. Would you even allow basic contact such as her sending birthday and christmas cards.

metrovelvet

unregistered wrote: »

I said in my first post that she was really clear that his dad wants no part of this - yes, he knows, but has told her not to involve him.

She said she can't speak for the wider family as she's not very close to them, and they don't know she wrote to me.

I would meet with her but I would be leading towards avoiding complicating things and wouldnt want to lead my child down a road of confusion if it can be avoided.

Ultimately it's your call. But Im black and white about these things, the child is family or s/he isnt, I don't go for cherry picking.

Daisy M

metrovelvet wrote: »

I would meet with her but I would be leading towards avoiding complicating things and wouldnt want to lead my child down a road of confusion if it can be avoided.

Ultimately it's your call. But Im black and white about these things, the child is family or s/he isnt, I don't go for cherry picking.

I agree the child is the most important person here and everything the op does should be with his best interests at heart. Having said that she needs to be as sure as she can that any decision she makes does not backfire on her in time. She doesnt want to end up been the bad guy who stopped her son getting to know his silbling or be the one who exposes him to been hurt by the cold hearted man who is his father. I would definetly meet her I dont think I would write a letter as I would be afraid that in time it could be used out of context against me, I would however drop the sister into conversation every now and again and possibly allow birthday and christmas cards, (if after meeting the girl I was certain she too had the childs best interest at heart). The thing is op you can only control this situation for a certain period of time, he will more than likely end up on one of the social network sites in a few years and could end up been contacted through that, I definetly wouldnt want something like that to happen to my child without them knowing that it was a possibility could be too much of a bolt from the blue.

up for anything

Meet with her and get a feeling for what she is like. It will never be wrong to introduce your son to someone who wants to get to know him and love him for the right reasons. So what if the rest of her family have no interest. Maybe her family haven't been that wonderful and if so he will come to realise that he didn't miss out on too much.

ppink

If I were you I would meet with her and explain to her what you feel about this.....ie that your son is a little too young to understand everything and you feel it would be too much pressure for him at this stage. she is 23 so should understand this.
i agree the rest of her family dont matter and if you do totally deny him the right to know his sister he may not thank you for it later. on the other hand he is very young to be learning that his Dad loves his daughter and could not give a toss about him!
I know someone who had to deal with a very similar situation and it was not easy at all on the spurned child.

magrat

I would meet with her and build up a personal relationship with her myself. Have a coffee with her every now and then. Keep the door open.

It can only be good for you son to have some form of contact with a blood relative of his. By building up a relationship with her yourself you will be in a much better position to judge when the time would be right to allow them to start building on their own relationship.

metrovelvet

magrat wrote: »

I would meet with her and build up a personal relationship with her myself. Have a coffee with her every now and then. Keep the door open.

It can only be good for you son to have some form of contact with a blood relative of his. By building up a relationship with her yourself you will be in a much better position to judge when the time would be right to allow them to start building on their own relationship.

Why can it only be good?

LegacyUser

magrat wrote: »

I would meet with her and build up a personal relationship with her myself. Have a coffee with her every now and then. Keep the door open.

It can only be good for you son to have some form of contact with a blood relative of his. By building up a relationship with her yourself you will be in a much better position to judge when the time would be right to allow them to start building on their own relationship.

I think I will arrange to meet her myself alright - she said some lovely things about her memories of me (when I was with her dad) - how she always liked me etc - and apologised for not getting in touch sooner, but that things had been difficult with her dad. It used to sadden me that none of his dads family wanted to know him - but as he got older and I began to settle into motherhood myself, I realised that he was much better off without people in his life, who didn't want to know him and I accepted that long ago. He has grandparents on that side who he's never met. He's never asked about them though, so it's not something I've brought up with him. I sometimes ask if he'd like to chat about his dad and he doesn't seem at all interested...but I've tried to keep the lines of communication open with him in that regard.

MrTsSnickers

Justask wrote: »

10 is far to young I aggree! A few more years wont put her out if she is serious about wanting to get to know him!

After saying that do you want to upset your "nice relaxed lifesyle"
Are you best to leave well alone....

Let us know what you decide i'd be intrested to know

10 is not too young to know his own mind. He may be a little young to make a fully mature decision, however, you should certainly ask his opinion on the situation. He already knows about his sister and that his dad has a relationship with his sister, if he finds out that you held him back from a possible relationship with her when he's older, he might be really annoyed. He's old enough to have input. You could meet her yourself first and make it clear that your child is not to have any contact, whatsoever, with the other side of the family, unless they contact you first and you and your son go from there.

missyb

Hi, this situation sound errily similiar to the situation my ex was in. As long as I knew my ex, he was always very angry with his mother and his dad (who he never really knew). For obvious reasons with his dad, but his mum had always done her best from what I could see, but my ex explained to me that he had an older brother (same dad) that had tried to contact him when he was about 13 and wanted to get to know him.
The mum declined in no uncertain terms and did not leave the door open for any kind of contact. He didnt know until years later that the mum had several times shunned all attempts at contact from the brother at this stage. I dont remember the finer details, other than neither seemed to know where the other was by the time he found out from his mum. Though I know my ex, just before we split ,was thinking of ways to find out where his brother was.

Maybe it was his own misdirected anger but he was furious as he felt his mum took her anger at his dad out on the brother and deprived him of the right to choose. It caused a serious rift between them though maybe they have sorted things out now I dont know. All I can say that my ex really resented that the option was taken out of his hands, he talked about it openly and he was not really the sort to wear his feelings on his sleeve.

Maybe ten is too young, I dont have kids myself ,but maybe keep a door open so your son can decide for himself at some point. He already has had the chance to get to know his dad taken out of his hands, so if you do the same with his sister (who clearly, at least, has a bit more too her than the dad), he may not thank you for it?

hurling_lad

missyb wrote: »

Hi, this situation sound errily similiar to the situation my ex was in. As long as I knew my ex, he was always very angry with his mother and his dad (who he never really knew). For obvious reasons with his dad, but his mum had always done her best from what I could see, but my ex explained to me that he had an older brother (same dad) that had tried to contact him when he was about 13 and wanted to get to know him.
The mum declined in no uncertain terms and did not leave the door open for any kind of contact. He didnt know until years later that the mum had several times shunned all attempts at contact from the brother at this stage. I dont remember the finer details, other than neither seemed to know where the other was by the time he found out from his mum. Though I know my ex, just before we split ,was thinking of ways to find out where his brother was.

Maybe it was his own misdirected anger but he was furious as he felt his mum took her anger at his dad out on the brother and deprived him of the right to choose. It caused a serious rift between them though maybe they have sorted things out now I dont know. All I can say that my ex really resented that the option was taken out of his hands, he talked about it openly and he was not really the sort to wear his feelings on his sleeve.

Maybe ten is too young, I dont have kids myself ,but maybe keep a door open so your son can decide for himself at some point. He already has had the chance to get to know his dad taken out of his hands, so if you do the same with his sister (who clearly, at least, has a bit more too her than the dad), he may not thank you for it?

Just an observation to add to the above: some people on here have recommended that the OP should tell this girl to wait for the boy to get a bit older before she will introduce her to him, but there's always the chance that the girl might not make contact again if she e.g. emigrates or starts her own family.

This could be a one-off opportunity for the OP's son to meet his older sister and I honestly can't see how a child could be better off not having a relationship with his only sibling rather than having one.

LegacyUser

hurling_lad wrote: »

Just an observation to add to the above: some people on here have recommended that the OP should tell this girl to wait for the boy to get a bit older before she will introduce her to him, but there's always the chance that the girl might not make contact again if she e.g. emigrates or starts her own family.

This could be a one-off opportunity for the OP's son to meet his older sister and I honestly can't see how a child could be better off not having a relationship with his only sibling rather than having one.

OP here - I take your point. But my fear is that when he realises she has a relationship with her granny and her grandad and her dad and he doesn't, he will feel their rejection in a much more pointed way more than he does now (he doesn't seem to feel it at all now).

metrovelvet

unregistered wrote: »

OP here - I take your point. But my fear is that when he realises she has a relationship with her granny and her grandad and her dad and he doesn't, he will feel their rejection in a much more pointed way more than he does now (he doesn't seem to feel it at all now).

Yes he will.

And as an adult when he has kids and his half sister has kids, his will also be rejected as hers will not. She will het inheritance, he will not.

I cant see what good can come of this myself.

If their father were behind this, it would be different. Also, the accepted protocols are the relationships with one side of the famly are conducted via the parent that connect them. IF that link is broken then what is the point.

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

Yes he will.

And as an adult when he has kids and his half sister has kids, his will also be rejected as hers will not. She will het inheritance, he will not.

I cant see what good can come of this myself.

If their father were behind this, it would be different. Also, the accepted protocols are the relationships with one side of the famly are conducted via the parent that connect them. IF that link is broken then what is the point.

Actually, he will get inheritance from his dad - I have previously spoken to a solicitor about this and my son is as entitled to his estate as his daughter is (he is divorced from his first wife and currently single). But I digress...

I disagree with your last paragraph - I believe that this girl is his half-sister, no matter what interest the rest of them have in him (or not as the case may be). I believe he is entitled to some sort of relationship with her, despite their shared father who treated has not been a father to him. However, I also feel he's too young to deal with what could be the emotional consequences with the fallout.

cynder

My brothers son contacted him a few months ago via facebook, my brother hasnt seen him since he was a baby. they chat weekly over facebook and he even befriended my mom (his nan) my brothers ex has now also joined facebook and they all have regular contact.

My moms coming over from the uk in august and she will see her grandson for the first time since he was a baby. The young lad was 13 when he contacted my brother all is turning out quite well. There is no pressure from either side.

How long are you going to wait till your son decided to contact his other family members, you have the opportunity now to be in control, I personally think it would be good for your son to know his sister (if she is of good character). Just because you son doesn't ask about his dad or sister they must be times he thinks about them and probably even fantasises about meeting them.

cynder

unregistered wrote: »

, I also feel he's too young to deal with what could be the emotional consequences with the fallout.

Or what could be the beginning of a great relationship, if in 5 years time he finds out that he had an opportunity to see his sister and mommy said no, it could bite you in the butt.

metrovelvet

grindelwald wrote: »

My brothers son contacted him a few months ago via facebook, my brother hasnt seen him since he was a baby. they chat weekly over facebook and he even befriended my mom (his nan) my brothers ex has now also joined facebook and they all have regular contact.

My moms coming over from the uk in august and she will see her grandson for the first time since he was a baby. The young lad was 13 when he contacted my brother all is turning out quite well. There is no pressure from either side.

How long are you going to wait till your son decided to contact his other family members, you have the opportunity now to be in control, I personally think it would be good for your son to know his sister (if she is of good character). Just because you son doesn't ask about his dad or sister they must be times he thinks about them and probably even fantasises about meeting them.

Your brother didnt reject his child and insist he be left out of it. If your brother rejected the child then chances are your parents would have also. That is why your parents are only meeting the child now, because your brother in involved.

This is a different scenario altogether.

ash23

The child will feel rejection by his father whether his sister is in his life or not. Because his father DID reject him. My exs family are very good to my daughter but she still feels rejection from him.
It will possibly be difficult for him to know that his sister is part of his fathers life while he is not (although OP indicated she doesn't see his extended family much).

OP, personally I would take this for what it is. A young girl looking to get to know her sibling. My nieces older half sister contacted her mother recently and asked her could she contact my neice (who was 12), My sister agreed and they've chatted online a few times. The father is rarely mentioned as my neice wants nothing to do with him.
But she now knows her older sister and she's happy enough about that. No great sibling relationship came of it but no harm came of it either.

If I were in your position I'd broach the issue with my child and get their opinion, perhaps without coming out and saying the sibling had been in touch. If they reacted positively I'd probably then talk to/meet the sibling and then arrange a meeting for them.
I think 10 is old enough to have an input into this as essentially this girl is his family.

cynder

metrovelvet wrote: »

Your brother didnt reject his child and insist he be left out of it. If your brother rejected the child then chances are your parents would have also. That is why your parents are only meeting the child now, because your brother in involved.

This is a different scenario altogether.

My point being at some point in the child will go look for his family with or without moms consent. At this point in time there is an opportunity for siblings to get to know each other on moms terms, not on her sons or the other girls terms. One should make the best out of a bad situation.

achmairt

unregistered wrote: »

She's 23 now.

My gut feeling is that my son is too immature to handle this situation just yet. He understands that he has an older sister, but I never explained the ins-and-outs of that to him. I never explained that when he split with his wife and his daughter was 2, he became the most wonderful father to her - bringing his then ex to court for custody of her and gaining joint custody. So she spent 50% of her time with him.

and then my son comes along and nada. As opposite a story as you could possibly imagine.

He's doing really well - we have a nice relaxed lifestyle and I'm unsure what to do about this. I rang rainbows to see if they could offer any advice. They suggested we run to her with open arms (practically) and look at this as a way that my son could possibly get contact from his dad. There's no way Im doing that - no way I'd look on this in that way - I personally think their advice was completely wrong, although I'm sure they're good at what they do.

I would agree that your son is far too young to have to deal with this now. I would wait until HE starts asking questions. Leave well enough alone at this point in his life.

psycho-hope

Hi Op, I just want to give you an opinion from the otherside so to speak. My mother raised me on her own after my "father" wanted nothing to do with me or her, he went on to have 2 other children with his current wife who are about 5-6 years younger than me now, up untill recently it never bothered me but after some serious thinking lately ive made the decison to write a letter to my father giving him the option to tell my half brother and sister about me for 2 reasons 1. I'm an only child and have always wondered what it would be like to have brothers and sisters, 2. and this is the biggie, the town( typical small irish town) where i would socialise is the same town my father and his family live in and i would hate for his son and daughter to have someone come up to the them in one of the local pubs and point at me going " thats your sister". Maybe your sons half sister has come to the same conclusion, even if you decide that its not the right time for you son to know about this girl, please at the very least explain you reasons to her, you never know she might see things from your point of view

sorry for the essay:o

nkay1985

I think your son is probably old enough to have some input on this OP. Just find out how he feels about the idea of meeting someone who is his half-sister. I think the fact that she's initiating it purely of her own accord is a good thing.

And I think that your son might be better getting to know her now rather than later to protect him from the intense rejection you fear. As a 10 year old, he probably won't get too deep into the connection he and his half-sister have and how much contact she has with everyone. As they get to know each other better and he gets older, he'll gradually learn this stuff. Let's say you wait a few years and your son is 15 when first meeting her. He'll be a hormonal teenager and will want to know exactly what the state of play is from the start which could hurt him more then.

dark crystal

Can you not broach the subject with your son? Ask him hypothetically if he would be interested in meeting his sister. 10 year olds are a lot cannier and self aware than we sometimes give them credit for!

The girl in question obviously wants to get to know her estranged brother and sounds like a lovely girl - you only get one go at life and missing out on knowing his 'other' family would be an awful shame for everyone involved.

Personally speaking, I would regret not trying to bring them together. I understand your misgivings completely, but I think your son at least deserves the choice. He may not even want to meet her yet, but it would be great for him to know she wants to get to know him (and spoil him, I'm sure ) at least.

Best of luck on whatever you decide!

sparkling sea

I am not really sure what the exact problem is. Why exactly are you worried about your son meeting his sister, this girl is after all your sons' sibling, why wouldn't you want him to know his own sister?

I note that some people are suggesting that your son is too young to deal with this - what exactly is he too young to deal with - rejection from his father; he already deals with it, its part of his normal daily life.
Young children get to know all sorts of different people as they are growing up - its part of growing up, they don't read all the possible problems into situations in a way that adults do because in most cases the problems don't materalise.

If you stop them having a relationship, you can never give them back the time they will have missed together and that is likely to cause some resentment down the line no matter how you try to justify your decision.
Your son is already missing out on a relationship with his father because of a decision made by his father. Do you really think your son will thank you for missing out on a relationship with his sister because of decision made by you -thats the question you need to answer honestly and truthfully - what is the justification for stopping your son getting to know his sister?

We all want to protect our children from harm but we have to be sure about who may be causing the harm and what exactly we are trying to protect them from?

deisemum

I've seen it time and time again where a parent usually the mother has stopped the other parent or members of other parent's family having contact with the child and then in a matter of years when the child is an adult or older teen and finds out it has backfired on the parent who prevented the contact and the child no longer has a relationship or an extremely strained one with that parent.

I think the OP's son is old enough to discuss it and decide for himself.

stargazer 68

Maybe Im missing something here but your son already knows he has a half sister so why shouldnt he meet her if he wants to? 'He is too young to deal with all this'? All what? He doesn't need to know the ins and outs of your relationship with his father etc.

LegacyUser

Im unsure why some of you are 'unsure' about my concerns. My concerns are that this girl has a relationship with her father, her aunts, uncles and grandparents - it might not be a good relationship, but she has it, nonetheless. My son is happy enough with his lot and it hasn't clicked with him that he may have aunts and uncles and grandparents who don't want to know him - he's never ever asked about them, and I've never felt the need to bring up the subject. They all live within a 5 mile radius of us by the way.
I'm not saying it would be a bad thing if he got to know his half-sister - I'm saying that it will open up a whole world of rejection to him - he's plodding along nicely. I sometimes ask if he'd like to know more about his dad and sister and he's like 'Meh'...

anyway, I asked him again last week - I said that his half-sister had been in touch and was asking how he was. This opened up a whole discussion about where she lived and what age she is etc.


Somehow, over the years, he has always assumed that she also lived with her mam, and didn't know her dad t(the same as him)... I always told him he had an older sister, he knows her name etc. But I didn't explain that she had a relationship with his dad...I didn't say she didn't either, but I just never went deep into conversation about it, as he wasn't interested...
Anyway, he got quite upset when he realised that his dad decided to be her dad...but decided not to be his dad....it's the first time in his life that this 'dad' issue has ever upset him...
I rang her and explained the situation and said I'd like to leave this for a while...I'll chat to him more about this over the summer, but for now, I'll do nothing...

sparkling sea

unregistered wrote: »

Im unsure why some of you are 'unsure' about my concerns. My concerns are that this girl has a relationship with her father, her aunts, uncles and grandparents - it might not be a good relationship, but she has it, nonetheless. My son is happy enough with his lot and it hasn't clicked with him that he may have aunts and uncles and grandparents who don't want to know him - he's never ever asked about them, and I've never felt the need to bring up the subject. They all live within a 5 mile radius of us by the way.
I'm not saying it would be a bad thing if he got to know his half-sister - I'm saying that it will open up a whole world of rejection to him - he's plodding along nicely. I sometimes ask if he'd like to know more about his dad and sister and he's like 'Meh'...

anyway, I asked him again last week - I said that his half-sister had been in touch and was asking how he was. This opened up a whole discussion about where she lived and what age she is etc.


Somehow, over the years, he has always assumed that she also lived with her mam, and didn't know her dad t(the same as him)... I always told him he had an older sister, he knows her name etc. But I didn't explain that she had a relationship with his dad...I didn't say she didn't either, but I just never went deep into conversation about it, as he wasn't interested...
Anyway, he got quite upset when he realised that his dad decided to be her dad...but decided not to be his dad....it's the first time in his life that this 'dad' issue has ever upset him...
I rang her and explained the situation and said I'd like to leave this for a while...I'll chat to him more about this over the summer, but for now, I'll do nothing...

Its not the kids fault that their father is an ass, or at least he sounds like an ass, he also appears to be the only person in this situation who isn't bothered about your sons feelings.

Your son didn't understand his full family situation but he obviously thought about it given that he came to certain conclusions; maybe disinterest is not the reason he hasn't discussed the situation with you, do you think this is a possibility.

He has come to conclusions that he didn't discuss with anyone, so maybe the dad issue has been an issue for him but he just hasn't been comfortable discussing for what ever reason.

Are you sure his extended family don't want to no him maybe his sister might be able to shed some light on this

LegacyUser

I don't know if the extended family want to get to know him, but to be very honest, they've had ten years to do that and have never bothered, so I doubt it.

I also doubt that he has any hidden thoughts about his dad that he doesn't want to discuss with me just yet. I could be wrong of course, but we all know our own children. He's not remotely 'deep' (as some of his friends are), he's very relaxed and casual (too relaxed sometimes!) - he really doesn't 'sweat the small stuff'... I'm always honest with him and open...and as I said, I've often said (when it's relevant) if he'd like to chat about stuff...
He's just not a deep thinker at all - I was a bit like that myself as a child, and as I'm the only person raising him, I guess it has rubbed off....but I'm under no illuision that the hormones may soon be kicking in and he may become deep & meaningful...

He said he never really thinks about his sister, but he just always assumed that she was out there somewhere, living the same life he's living, with just her mother raising her and no involvement from her dad..

For what it's worth, when he was about 2, I contacted an aunt of his (through a friend) to see if she'd like to get to know him. Her reply was that their relationship with their brother (his dad) was difficult, and had always been difficult and that she would be afraid to 'rock the boat' with him...so I never bothered after that...

implausible

I don't know about him being too young OP. I mean he's aware that he has a dad and a sister. I think that a gradual drip feed of information overseen by you (from you and his sister) might be better than a huge revelation when he is a hormonal teenager. The teenage years are difficult enough besides loading this onto him. I feel it'd be better if he came to accept as normal that he sees his sister every few weeks, for example, than working through the complexities of meeting a half-sister and feeling abandoned when he is older. Kids can be very accepting - "here is Mary, she's the sister I told you about". It might not be a big deal to a ten year old.

I think you're terrified of all the emotion it will bring back and of trying to explain to your son that he has been ignored by his dad for years if he meets his sister. But it doesn't have to be that way. This girl is 23 and obviously feels she should meet her brother. I'd imagine that she would understand if you asked her not to mention his and her dad and other relations to him.

At the end of the day, this situation is not the girl's fault or your son's. Painful as it may be, they are family and are entitled to get to know each other. If you only live five miles away from your ex, it's inevitable that someone somewhere will say something to your son (if they haven't already) and information is better coming from you than some loudmouth or school bully. Make sure that in trying to protect him you don't leave him open to future pain.

sparkling sea

unregistered wrote: »

I don't know if the extended family want to get to know him, but to be very honest, they've had ten years to do that and have never bothered, so I doubt it.

I also doubt that he has any hidden thoughts about his dad that he doesn't want to discuss with me just yet. I could be wrong of course, but we all know our own children. He's not remotely 'deep' (as some of his friends are), he's very relaxed and casual (too relaxed sometimes!) - he really doesn't 'sweat the small stuff'... I'm always honest with him and open...and as I said, I've often said (when it's relevant) if he'd like to chat about stuff...
He's just not a deep thinker at all - I was a bit like that myself as a child, and as I'm the only person raising him, I guess it has rubbed off....but I'm under no illuision that the hormones may soon be kicking in and he may become deep & meaningful...

He said he never really thinks about his sister, but he just always assumed that she was out there somewhere, living the same life he's living, with just her mother raising her and no involvement from her dad..

For what it's worth, when he was about 2, I contacted an aunt of his (through a friend) to see if she'd like to get to know him. Her reply was that their relationship with their brother (his dad) was difficult, and had always been difficult and that she would be afraid to 'rock the boat' with him...so I never bothered after that...

Family relationships can be very tricky sometimes alright.

You've told him what you can, he now knows his sister would like to meet him, he might need time to process all the information before he decides on anything. He might decide not to think about it at all and that's fair enough too.

No matter what your son is obviously the most important thing to you and he is very lucky to have you, you can only do your best and that's exactly what you seem to be doing.

greengirl31

I'd be wary cause in a situation like this there's a potential downside to any decision you make - You say no, your son finds out in a few years and you're the badie for not facilitating this relationship. You allow it, the sister and brother get on great but he starts to notice the extended family on his fathers side and starts to wonder why and like you say the feelings of rejection when you're any age can be shocking!! You said he got a little upset about it recently so I'd be inclined to leave it for a while ...

Just one other thing .... The sister is 23. Now I admit she's not a child but what are her motives for getting in touch ... Like I know she has a brother and wants to get to know him but I wonder does she fully understand the magnitude of this ... I'm not saying her intentions are bad - far from it, but you'd have to wonder, after the initial meeting, what would a 23 year old girl have in common with a 10 year old boy - They might have a father in common but if he's staying out of the whole thing, they won't have alot to talk about ...

LegacyUser

It's funny you ask about her 'motive'....when I spoke to her, she mentioned that her new boyfriend has an 8yr old son and she thinks it would be great if they could all go out together...and that he had really been encouraging her to get in touch..
I hung up the phone, hoping to god she's not a flighty youngwan, who is trying to 'rent-a-brother' in order to impress the new boyfriend - but you just never know....

Anyway, these events have been overtaken today as his team lost a cup final in school - he's pretty devestated (there were tears..) as he played quite well....
So I have made a decision to do nothing about this for now, and explained it to her, that he's just a bit young right now - if she is really THAT interested, she'll get in touch again...

cynder

Perhaps its the relationship that she sees with her partner and his son that made her realise what she is missing with her own brother.

You seem to be taking all this out on the 23 girl, she has dont nothing wrong.

LegacyUser

grindelwald wrote: »

Perhaps its the relationship that she sees with her partner and his son that made her realise what she is missing with her own brother.

You seem to be taking all this out on the 23 girl, she has dont nothing wrong.

Where did you get that from? I'm not taking anything out on anyone! All I said was that she mentioned she has a boyfriend with an 8yr old and that I hoped she wasn't looking at my son as a way to impress him - its a pretty normal thought for me to have, given that she never said 'I realise what I'm missing when I see him with his son'.....
What she did say is that HE has encouraged her to make contact and that it would be great if the four of them could go out together on day trips...

I'm aware that this girl has done nothing wrong - nowhere did I say she has.

Babyblessed

Interesting.

My ex left me when I was 6 months gone (with my bestie but I digress). He demanded to go on the birth cert, which was fine at the time, so that he could INSIST on access. I had no probs but it became increasingly difficult for him to spend time with our daughter; my 'friend' felt threatened, and eventually when she was 5 months pregnant he simply stopped coming to see our daughter. I didnt force it, I was trying to get on with my own life. My ex had 2 children before his relationship broke down. Since about the age of 7 our daughter has known she has younger siblings, she is nearly 20 and her siblings are 19 and 16. They were never made aware they had a 'big' sister but I have kept in contact with various family members on my ex's side and also on my friends side.... I was VERY close with her sister in particular. About 3 years ago through FB the youngest one (female) requested my daughter, her sister. She wasnt aware of the link but they shared mutual friends. Eventually my ex was forced to explain the situation. He wasnt impressed but his entire family were finally removed from a hugely pressured situation, as he hated them having contact with our daughter.

We did hope that he might then allow the kids to be in contact but he wouldnt. They continued to write and FB and were patient. Earlier this year their shared paternal grandfather passed away and we went to the funeral (at the familys request). He ignored us (no probs!) but he tried to enforce the daughter to ignore us too. Eventually granny grabbed the 2 girls and 'permitted' them to hug... EVERYONE cried (except himself), it was a hugely emotional time but the fact 2 sisters got together at the time made it a really bitter-sweet occasion.

His family have been great in the last 5-6 years before that he tried to control the relationship by threatening them with contact with the other children. When the 2 girls wanted to meet before the funeral he told our daughter she couldnt have contact with her half sister until she had a relationship with him...... He has totally blown that now. By forcing the 2 girls apart he has upset his other daughter too. The eldest child has Aspergers and doesnt seem to understand the situation but then I really dont know.

What I suppose I am saying is that in a few month/years, your son may be interested. I agree with previous posters, you seemed to have had a fab relationship with this girl before her/their 'father' acted like an idiot. I'd be careful like you too but I'd meet for coffee on a regular basis; see if ye can rekindle your relationship. I found my ex's family had always wanted contacted but he made it difficult for them, I, in turn didnt make it easy. No-one understands the complexity of family relationships.

Sorry for the essay..... I have done post-adoption tracing and my experience is that boys are less interested on the whole. It interesting my daughters half-sis wants a 'sister' and her half-brother doesnt. Dont let your ex or his bad behaviour impact on a potential sibling relationship. She has made the 1st tentative steps to contact; it must have been hard knowing her 'father' isnt interested and their family less than supportive.

Good luck, you might even find you make an understanding friend from this situation.

Moonbeam

I would not be so sure that he would not like to meet his sister.Just because he has not told you doesn't mean that he doesn't want to.

I think you need to talk to him and meet her yourself with out him and discuss it.

Maybe contact onefamily.ie or treoir for advice?

LegacyUser

Moonbeam wrote: »

I would not be so sure that he would not like to meet his sister.Just because he has not told you doesn't mean that he doesn't want to.

I think you need to talk to him and meet her yourself with out him and discuss it.

Maybe contact onefamily.ie or treoir for advice?

I have been in touch with both of those organisations - while I found them quite useful, ultimately their message is that you know your own child, and you know what he/she is able to handle at a certain age. No advice they give is universal as each child is different and a parent should always trust their own instinct.

I'm quite rational when it comes to contact with his dad or his family - I always have been. I've always been of the opinion that if his dad got in touch, I'd facilitate that relationship as much as I could. No matter what hurt he caused me, I was always, and am still acutely aware that he is his father and their relationship won't be stopped by me. That's not to say that I would have welcomed the man back with open arms - but if he ever got in touch, I would always have taken baby-steps in order to build a relationship between them...

In my own family, I never knew my dads family and a few years back, found some of them. I was over the moon as was my sister - but my brothers had no interest at all. It was pointed out to me that women have more of a 'pull' towards family in general and that men/boys don't necessarily have that 'pull'. (there is some research to back this up, but I can't find it at the moment) So perhaps my son is just a typical boy who doesn't feel the need to get to know these people...or perhaps I'm in for a shock when he hits puberty, who knows.

I have broached the subject of his sister with him since she got in touch, and he really has no interest in getting to know her....

cynder

unregistered wrote: »

Where did you get that from? I'm not taking anything out on anyone! All I said was that she mentioned she has a boyfriend with an 8yr old and that I hoped she wasn't looking at my son as a way to impress him - its a pretty normal thought for me to have, given that she never said 'I realise what I'm missing when I see him with his son'.....
What she did say is that HE has encouraged her to make contact and that it would be great if the four of them could go out together on day trips...

I'm aware that this girl has done nothing wrong - nowhere did I say she has.

Hanging up the phone on her doesn't help, seems to come across like you want to hurt her like your ex hurt you and your son. None of this is her fault. Shes upset your little routine and it seems you dont like it one bit, it also seems your fighting her at every corner looking for the bad in it, all the negative things, try looking at the benefits, the good side.


i doubt very much a girl would get in contact just because he bloke has a son and want the kids to be friends when she has never even met her brother, i presume its an idea for the future. That if things work out between them , that they would all go out together and that way the kids wont be bored. For all she knows your son could be a little demon. She wants to get to know him and if he visits her he wont be bored because there is another little boy whos a similar age. She is just trying to be nice and in no way is it to impress her guy. Your just dont want to see that, that's why you hanged up the phone on her. Meet her over a coffee and talk to her face to face, in a coffee shop not at home, that way its on neutral territory.


Perhaps its not revenge you want but rather you resent her and your letting that cloud your judgement...... By your posts it does seem that way, perhaps I'm wrong but that's what I'm picking up.