Long distance cheat

judgefudge

Hi,
So I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3.5yrs now and this time last year he moved to the other side of the world (literally) for work. We had a wonderful relationship and even while we were apart I always trusted him to never cheat on me. I was due to travel over to live with him this month but about 4 weeks ago I found out that he had a one-night stand which he didnt tell me about. I only discovered through facebook where he had bragged to a friend about it.
So I confronted him and he said he has been really stressed out lately and really in a bad mindframe (he has had some issues in the past) and that he was just really low, missing me, feeling sorry for himself and drunk, and someone showed him attention so he just made a mistake.
We havent seen each other for 5 months so this isnt your average cheating situation but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't feel like I can just throw it all away if it was indeed a mistake but I havent been in the same country as him for over a year so how do I know this hasnt been going on all along (he says it hasnt).
He didnt tell me about it and he said the bragging was to his friend to try and 'make light of the situation' in his own head so he wouldnt feel so guilty or something.
I don't know I'm very confused and I don't know if I should throw away 3.5yrs of what was genuinely a good relationship because he got drunk and screwed up.Then again maybe I'm being naive and not seeing the situation for what it is because I love him. Help

Esoteric_

Some people do make mistakes and although I couldn't personally forgive someone for cheating, I know many people can and sometimes if it is a genuine once off mistake, things can get better.

However, whatever his excuse, he was bragging to his friend about it. Making light of it, fair enough, but was he thick enough to think you couldn't see it?

If he's able to brag about cheating on you, he probably doesn't feel much remorse. From what you've said, he just made excuse after excuse and that doesn't bode well. If it was a mistake that he regrets, he'd hold his hands up to it and apologize, not make excuses and brag about it to a mate.

[-0-]

I'm so sorry OP. I'm in a long distance relationship myself and I can only imagine what you are going through.

If it were me, I would probably be more hurt by the fact that my other half was boasting about what they had done to me. That's just mean. I don't think I could forgive them for this - but that is just me. It's one thing if they came clean and showed remorse, but this is just taking the piss out of you behind your back.

I don't want to tell you what to do because I don't even know you, but if I was in your situation I would end it. Granted it would break my heart to do so, but you deserve to be treated much better than this. There has to be trust in a relationship - without it the relationship just can't work. Can you really trust him again? Would he have told you about it if you didn't find out? He never came clean remember.

Best of luck.

judgefudge

Thanks for your input and yeah I can see where you're both coming from. The bragging for me was the most hurtful part really because there was no excuse for it and he was sober. He said he probably would have told me about it once I'd gone over there but in fairness, I doubt he would have.

He has held his hands up and said he's sorry over and over and it was a mistake etc. He got an sti test because I asked him to and he's also probably going to get some counselling. The problem is he isnt that kind of mean uncaring person, at least he wasnt when we were in the same country, so I do think its due to feeling depressed and generally just ****ed up. He told me a few days before it happened that he wanted to give up his job and come home because he was so stressed out that he felt like crying himself to sleep every night and he felt like throwing up every morning. So I was aware he was having difficulty over there.

He has offered to pay for return flights for me to go over to him for a few weeks to see if there's anything left to salvage. I just don't know what I should do.

Esoteric_

Well, although I still honestly think he's showing feck all remorse and is passing it off with excuses, if he's wanting to pay for flights to try salvage things, maybe it's worth giving it a try? Thing is, there will be another few months at least until you move over, and can you deal with the lack of trust and possible insecurities for that long? Can you see yourself successfully moving your whole life to be with someone when there are now no guarantees of it working? There are never real guarantees but things are a lot more unstable for you guys now that he's cheated than they were beforehand.

Him going for counselling is great and if he does seem to show remorse then that's great too, but his act of remorse is belied by his bragging. If he was remorseful, there is NO way he'd brag about it to anyone. If anything, he'd keep his mouth shut until he spoke to you.

MagicMarker

Stop making excuses for him, a man who cares for you doesn't brag about cheating to his friends on facebook! If that is his attitude about cheating then I would be amazed if this is the first time.

judgefudge

Yeah... to be honest the bragging is the main obstacle to me thinking we could work things out. Thats why I'm wondering if I'm just trying to explain away everything that he did just because I dont want to accept that I should just walk away. I honestly don't know what to think anymore. Is it worth hearing him out in person and trying to judge from that before coming to a conclusion? I could go over there for a couple of weeks and decide that hes not sorry but I'm afraid of getting sucked back into the relationship just because I didnt want to lose him. AGH

Esoteric_

Since you're so full of doubt at the moment, I think you WOULD be sucked back into things if you went over there, then would come home and be miserable and worried and paranoid until you move over there, and even then the misery will probably continue.

The bragging is the worst bit here, so you're right to be focusing on that so much. NO person who loves his partner brags about a mistake and frankly his excuse for it is ridiculous.

MagicMarker

For someone to say something that would give the game away on Facebook, I'd be suspicious, maybe he wanted you to find out? Either that or he's a complete idiot.

judgefudge

I know there really is no excuse possible for bragging. I dont understand how he did any of this. Like I said we genuinely had a good relationship and despite what has happened I don't think he has ever done anything like this before. I don't know if it was just the fact that we have been apart for so long that he just got it into his head that he could do what he liked. I'm honestly just at a loss for what to do but I cant imagine never seeing him again.

qwerty13

I'd go batsh*t about the bragging, I really would. I know that's not the worst part of it ... but somehow it is. I mean obviously the cheating is a total lack of respect for you, and your relationship - but if he had come clean to you, that's one thing; very very difficult to forgive, but maybe workable on ... but putting on facebook is just about 25 levels of ridiculousness. I'm probably focusing on the wrong thing, but that just leaves me speechless!

I'm struggling to think how he ended up putting it on facebook. Still drunk when he posted it? Or as another poster said, somehow trying to get caught? Hopefully I'm wrong, but to me that just screams of this not being an isolated incident. I presume he took the bragging post off facebook fairly sharpish - but did any mutual friends see it in the meantime? If so, are you getting any vibe from any of them on it - like utter shock horror, or an uncomfortable feeling that they weren't terribly surprised?

The things he is saying are utter tripe of excuses - but I have to say at least he went for the STI tests and is going to go for counselling, that is something. I don't think I'd go even for the see-what-can-be-salvaged trip yet - things are probably just too raw. Maybe in another month or two (because if you are anything like me, you will - in weaker moments - regret that you didn't at least satisfy yourself in person as to what his state of mind was/is). Even if that trip goes ok, I'd be as wary as hell of moving/changing your life for this guy though - unless the move is something that you want to do for yourself.

I am a friend

Let him come to you to explain if he is that sorry. I would not schlep to the other side of the planet to hear his excuses. Once you go, he knows he has you.

I would agree it's probably not an isolated incident.

LittleBook

judgefudge wrote: »

He has held his hands up

No, you caught him.

judgefudge wrote: »

He said he probably would have told me about it once I'd gone over there

I think that's awful ... like he would have let you move half way around the world and once you were there he might have told you?

judgefudge wrote: »

He has offered to pay for return flights for me to go over to him for a few weeks to see if there's anything left to salvage.

I am a friend wrote: »

Let him come to you to explain if he is that sorry. I would not schlep to the other side of the planet to hear his excuses. Once you go, he knows he has you.

Exactly! And he seems to have been well aware of this with his "told me about it once I'd gone over there".

Not only is what he did wrong (and I agree, possibly not a one off), what he's doing now is wrong too. If he's that desperate for your forgiveness and sorry for what he's done, let him show it.

But before you decide anything ... find the Facebook post to his friend and read it over again ... and again.

judgefudge

Well at first I told him he'd have to come home if he wanted to work it out because I would never go to him and he said he would be he cant afford to cover rent lost work etc so it would take months (and that is the truth) so it would be cheaper for him to pay for my flights. So thats why hes offering to pay for me to go over and it would still cost thousands!

As for the facebook thing, it wasnt posted anywhere it was a private chat thing. Its hard to explain and I swear to god I wasnt snooping cause I actually did trust him but he had changed the password to my facebook because I was trying to avoid using it the week before my exams. But I had to check something and I knew his password (because he has always been open with it) so I went on his to check something and when I logged in there was a little chat bubble in the corner open with all the stuff in it.

I am a friend

You seem to have your mind made up ...

judgefudge

I don't know. I'm apalled at what he has done and really hurt but I find myself constantly trying to explain it away. Guess I'm just an idiot in love.

prinz

OP the fact that it's a long distance relationship and he is feeling down, missing you, whatever is completely and utterly irrelevant. Trust, respect and love don't disappear with distance.

I have been there in a long distance relationship for a lot longer than yours has been and will be the first to admit that there were times when I was feeling down, annoyed, frustrated, lonely, on the beer with friends when they were chasing girls and thinking about how much easier it would be not to be in a LDR etc etc etc, but it was never a reason to go out and hop into bed with someone. Ever. He did it because he thought he could get away with it. That doesn't change if he's thousands of miles away or ten miles away IMO. If it was me I'd be forgetting about him.

fungun

Sorry, but if he cheated and wanted to make things work with you, then he would come home for you.

That way he would be taking the risk and it would cost him the money. It might not make the most economical sense, but it is what a truly remorseful person would do.
Him paying for you to go over to him is cheaper and no hassle for him, plus he knows that you deciding to go over to him means you are willing to overlook what he has done.

judgefudge

Well. He did say he'd come home but it would take a few months for him to afford it (to cover rent, lost wages etc.) because he's really strapped for cash. I just think leaving it for months would literally drive me insane. So I didnt see the point of that but then he offered to buy me flights, which is still v.expensive and going to put him in to debt. I'm not trying to excuse anything there but there are genuine reasons behind the going to him bit.

I know I'm obviously trying to justify everything he did because I'm in love with the guy so please try bear that in mind I just thought the situation wasnt so black and white I guess. Like do you give up on somethin the first time somebody makes a mistake. What he did was terrible but I could kind of understand how he slipped up. I've been out with friends and had guys hit on me and considered it. I know that prob makes me sound equally bad but when your upset and vulnerable and you havent seen your other half in so long its easy to imagine looking for comfort elsewhere. He has never been a particularly strong person and he requires a lot of validation that I love him etc. I know that doesnt make what he did right, and maybe its a reason I need to look for someone with higher self-esteem but its all part of the person I loved and I'm just uber confused.

prinz

judgefudge wrote: »

Like do you give up on somethin the first time somebody makes a mistake. .

If you were planning on moving to another country to live with him in just a matter of weeks then yes.

judgefudge wrote: »

What he did was terrible but I could kind of understand how he slipped up. I've been out with friends and had guys hit on me and considered it. I know that prob makes me sound equally bad but when your upset and vulnerable and you havent seen your other half in so long its easy to imagine looking for comfort elsewhere..

I honestly don't think either of you are cut out for it.

judgefudge

I'm just trying to be realistic here. I understand how these things happen. I went into this long-distance thing knowing it would be hard and that something like this could happen.. we're both young (early 20s). I always thought I'd have a zero tolerance attitude to cheating but its just a really complicated situation. Is cheating on someone you live with the same as cheating on someone you havent seen in 5 months?

People make mistakes don't they? The only part I don't understand is the fact that he bragged. I don't know I guess I'm prob being an idiot considering it but I have an offer to go over for 3 weeks to figure out what I want and I feel like I'd regret it if I didnt take it.

Believe me I'd love to wake up tomorrow morning and forget him and think none of this is worth it but so far that hasnt happened.

prinz

judgefudge wrote: »

I'm just trying to be realistic here. I understand how these things happen. I went into this long-distance thing knowing it would be hard and that something like this could happen.. we're both young (early 20s). I always thought I'd have a zero tolerance attitude to cheating but its just a really complicated situation.

No, it's not complicated at all, and I spend most of the time from 21 to 25 in a long distance relationship, so I have a good idea of what kind of situation it is. Yes there were times when I felt it would be easier not to be in that relationship, but I never thought it would be easier to just shag someone else on the side.

judgefudge wrote: »

Is cheating on someone you live with the same as cheating on someone you havent seen in 5 months?

Yes.

judgefudge

Yeah I know, and I'm full of concerns too obviously. I mean I don't know if its something I could get over either in fairness all I'm really trying to figure out is whether I should make the trip to see if theres anything left there or whether its just opening myself up to more pain. I just don't want to think in 6 months "what if it was just a horrible mistake etc."

I have been in the long-distance relationship too for a year and I've never cheated I'm just trying to see it from a realistic viewpoint. Its fair enough if you're a strong person and can be alone without freaking out about it but some people arent like that. He has had issues in the past with depression, anger etc. He tends to go into self-destruct mode when hes finding things hard. During our relationship (before this) I never saw that side of him because he said he was happy but I know enough about his past...

To be honest I don't think he would have told me. And while I don't agree that thats the right thing to do I can understand why, I mean obviously he didnt want me to know because it would have meant I wouldnt go over. He said the bragging was just "acting the big man" to his friend. He says he has felt terrible and regretted it since it happened and he was never proud of it but again, thats obviously what he thinks.

I know you're prob sitting there thinking I'm an idiot and trust me I'm humiliated enough but for some reason I don't want to let it go.

prinz

judgefudge wrote: »

I just don't want to think in 6 months "what if it was just a horrible mistake etc."

Or in 6 months you find out he's cheated again... but then again I don't know how you'd find out as he's learned his mistake this time, you'd just have to take his word for it. Is his word worth anything anymore? Not IMO.

LegacyUser

Perhaps this is not the ethical, right on thing to do, but if he's willing to pay for you to go over "to work things out" and its not putting you out job wise or anything. Why not take him up on it? Hear him out if you want to but have a holiday too!

Id agree its his obligation to do the footwork to fix things, but he's done something wrong, why not have your holiday on him?

judgefudge

Yeah honestly I know where you're coming from I really do. In the messages it never actually said that they had slept together. When I confronted him he said they had hooked up but not slept together. Then I ended it so to speak and a few days later I asked him for the sake of my own sanity I had to know if he'd slept with her and how many others there had been. Then he said he had slept with her but she was the only one etc. Ever since then any questions I've asked I think he has answered honestly. I only say that because some of the answers have been things he knows I would not want to have heard. So I think once he got caught he decided he may as well just tell the truth, but saying that you're right I would never know and I would just have to take his word for it. Its confusing to say the least.

Oryx

He has never been a particularly strong person and he requires a lot of validation that I love him etc.

Im not saying it will, but don't let this attitude turn into 'I needed someone to love me and you werent here'. Which is another pathetic excuse.

If the guy felt ok enough to chat to a mate about what he did, then the only remorse he feels is for getting caught.

So many people on these boards have felt as in love as you do right now, but for whatever reason, it didnt work out and they had to suck up the heartache. There are so many issues here that I just dont know if you should even attempt to move and salvage this. You are young, chances are this will not be the love of your life, if there is such a thing.

Youre trying really hard to save your relationship, but if you travel to the guy you will be the insecure fish out of water, and you will be dependant on him. That will make it very hard for you to confront and challenge him on what happened, because if you argue about it, what do you do? You stay put with him because you are stuck there.

Lastly, you say he has anger and destructive tendencies when under pressure. Please dont become his crutch or fixer. A relationship based on fixing another persons needs is not good for either person.

judgefudge

I know... everything you're saying makes sense to me and it has all crossed my mind at some point or another. I guess I'm just searching for reasons it could work because I didnt do anything wrong and I cant face the fact that its over. Sad times

car.kar

OP, I'm actually in a very similar situation. My ex boyfriend cheated on me a few weeks ago, and I found out in the same way... the chat bubble on Facebook, because he was bragging - to the girl he'd cheated on me with. I completely understand where you're coming from - that was easily the worst bit of it for me. Cheating is one thing, but flirting with her about what they'd done was a whole different story, the pain of that is indescribable unless you've had it happen to you. I could almost have tried to work things out, as we'd been together for three years and had also up until then had an extremely good, stable relationship, but the bragging about it and flirting with the girl was too much for me.

He's now gone away for the summer and we called it quits, and I think its for the best, to be honest. I know that I'm really not offering any help at all here, but I just thought it might be nice to know you're not alone in dealing with that kind of a situation. If you're willing to work through it, I would go for it to be honest (and I know I might get some stick for that, but the OP is right, everything is not just black and white) but I will tell you, trying to forget about him bragging to his mates about what he'd done is going to be extremely hard.

judgefudge

Wow sorry to hear that car.kar. I know its so offensive to think that they could turn around and be proud of it, and to actually brag to the girl sounds even worse? I know the bragging would be a major obstacle to getting past this but the fact that hes willing to do an sti test, counselling and pay for my flights (over 2000euro) kind of helps. I just don't understand what was going through his head that weekend because to be honest he's not that kind of asshole guy. Sounds stupid after what he has done but its true.

I am a friend

judgefudge wrote: »

Wow sorry to hear that car.kar. I know its so offensive to think that they could turn around and be proud of it, and to actually brag to the girl sounds even worse? I know the bragging would be a major obstacle to getting past this but the fact that hes willing to do an sti test, counselling and pay for my flights (over 2000euro) kind of helps. I just don't understand what was going through his head that weekend because to be honest he's not that kind of asshole guy. Sounds stupid after what he has done but its true.

He is willing to do all that but he was also willing to sleep with her and brag about it. OP you seem to be coming up with every excuse under the sun to stay with him.... None of the common sense advice you have been given here seems to be absorbed.

If he was serious he would fly home for a weekend to see you... Why is it more expensive for him to fly than for you??? Its all an excuse.

What do your friends think?

MagicMarker

OP, just stay with him, move to the other side of the world. Learn your lesson the hard way, it's clear you don't intend to listen to anyone here.

judgefudge

Well firstly theres no need to attack me I have already explained that I'm in love with the guy and I'm obviously trying to find excuses as to why everything could be ok. I told you I feel like an idiot for that and yeah I can see everything you're saying is true but I cant help how I feel ok. I really wish I was strong enough to turn round and tell him to **** off but I still love him. So yeah.. I feel like enough of an idiot as it is thanks.

My friends and even my family have said that I should go over... surprisingly enough they've said that its a good idea because I have to be home in August for exams anyway so its a case of going over for a few weeks and coming home regardless. I guess they've seen the relationship and how good it was when we were together. I don't know. I'm just confused here and yeah of course I want to go over there and pretend like nothings happened and live in dreamland but I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself if I do by getting some advice. Shoot me.

He lives in Australia so coming home for a weekend is not an option as it takes 2 days to get home anyway. Besides, I doubt a weekend is going to contribute much.

Firetrap

There are times when you have to stop listening to your heart (easier said than done I know) and this is one of them. Cheating on you was obviously a lousy thing to do but I find the follow-up far worse. He bragged about it on Facebook and came up with a lame excuse. If he had any respect for you, that would have been the last thing he should have been doing. Or does he know that you love him so much that he can do pretty much anything he wants and you'll cling onto the relationship like a limpet?

judgefudge

I honestly don't know anymore. The more people tell me to walk away from it the easier it is to imagine doing it I suppose. I mean all his actions have told me to walk away from it but for some reason the idea of doing that just kills me, despite what he has done. Ugh.

prinz

judgefudge wrote: »

the fact that hes willing to do an sti test, counselling and pay for my flights (over 2000euro) kind of helps.

€2000 huh. Cheap.

judgefudge wrote: »

I just don't understand what was going through his head that weekend because to be honest he's not that kind of asshole guy. Sounds stupid after what he has done but its true.

Yes he is that kind of guy. He did it.

booboo88

judgefudge wrote: »

Wow sorry to hear that car.kar. I know its so offensive to think that they could turn around and be proud of it, and to actually brag to the girl sounds even worse? I know the bragging would be a major obstacle to getting past this but the fact that hes willing to do an sti test, counselling and pay for my flights (over 2000euro) kind of helps. I just don't understand what was going through his head that weekend because to be honest he's not that kind of asshole guy. Sounds stupid after what he has done but its true.

He makes it sound like hes doing you the favour?


Better off without, Same kinda thing happened with an ex of mine. Bragging it to his mates, but still denied it

judgefudge

Thanks for the advice guys. I think I'm just goin to cut all ties with him to be honest. I'm heartbroken but I guess its a lesson I just gotta try move past it and all that ****e

As for 2000euro being cheap - I don't know what you do for a living but in my world thats a lot of money.

prinz

judgefudge wrote: »

As for 2000euro being cheap - I don't know what you do for a living but in my world thats a lot of money.

For flights yes that's a lot of money, but flights doesn't seem to be all his buying for his money in this instance.

Esoteric_

judgefudge wrote: »

Thanks for the advice guys. I think I'm just goin to cut all ties with him to be honest. I'm heartbroken but I guess its a lesson I just gotta try move past it and all that ****e

As for 2000euro being cheap - I don't know what you do for a living but in my world thats a lot of money.

I think prinz was saying that it's not a lot of money to try to "buy" you back with. Sarcastic comment about how he got you to possible come over pretty easily just by spending a few grand.

I know it's hard now, but you'll move on in time. I broke up with someone I loved, and yeah it hurt like hell, but I moved on and so will you. You'll feel better in time.

Kimia

OP. I really feel for you. It's just awful that this has happened. I know it doesn't seem real right now which is why I really feel you haven't understood the magnitude of this yet. I think if you were to go over and see him it would be agony for you. Can you imagine, hugging him, kissing him and knowing that you weren't the last person he slept with? And worst of all, he bragged about it on facebook to a friend and if you hadn't accidentally seen the chat, you would never have known.

I think that he's not the person you think he is. I know you're trying to make excuses for him because you desperately want to believe that he's a good person, that he loves you etc. And I don't doubt that he does love you. But is that enough? You need to decide how you are going to be treated. You decide what is acceptable.

Personally I would be so shaken to the core by not the cheating, but the lying and bragging (what exactly was said?). That would say to me that I don't know him at all - that he's not the person I thought he was and that the relationship didn't mean the same thing to him as it did to me.

It's up to you. I wish you the best.

irishdude11

He is probably at it the whole time. Im amazed at how many women are completely clueless as to how much men cheat. I mean they really have no idea what guys are like. From what Ive seen over 95% of men will cheat given the chance, some guys will openly chat about it with the lads, others will try and keep a much lower profile, but they are all at it. I have seen a couple of guys around my age (34) settle down a bit as they get older and they wouldnt go out of their way for it, but they would still be up for it given a chance to do it on the quiet. And when they were younger, like your bf, it was open season.

And OP your bf has the absolutely perfect setup to get away with it, hes on the other side of the world, it was just a pure fluke you caught him this time. And you might think he's being honest with you now as he has told you some things you wouldn't like to hear but I can tell you that he could just as easily be coming clean on some stuff so you'll buy it and to 'clean the slate' while keeping quiet about the fact that he has banged a load of other women. He has now filled you with a load of sh*t and excuses to make you sympathetic for him....you caught him banging another woman (and bragging about it) and now you're feeling sorry for him...god, sometimes women are so blind. He is playing you like a fiddle. The fact that he was bragging about it sheds more light on the situation, the guys who brag about it are the guys who are the biggest into it and openly have the craic about it with their friends.

If you go out to visit him for a few weeks whats gonna happen when you come back? Do you think any guy in this day and age is going to go months without sex if he can do something about it? Not a chance. He'll head out on the piss with a few lads, get drunk, have a laugh, get chatting to some woman and she'll be up for it...and do you think he will then say to himself 'oh i cant because of that girl I havent even seen for half a year'...eh no he wont and you already know that because you have caught him doing it.

qwerty13

A really good friend of mine was in a LDR and her boyfriend was really drunk and kissed someone else and hugely regretted it.

I'd be the first one to say 'bull****' - but he confessed it up front, when my friend could never have found out had he chosen not to say it - and he offered no excuses, just asked for forgiveness. He was so up front and contrite that I was totally supportive of she giving him another chance.

Your situation seems very different, and I'm sorry but I can't find a way around this. No confession. No contrition - but bragging instead. Offering a money solution just doesn't cut it, even if it makes the poor lamb's life a little harder for a month or two. Come on, if he was devastated by his own actions and the prospect of losing the love of his life, he'd suffer loss of rent and income to come to you. It 's like he knows that you'll forgive him already. Not a solid basis for the future, really really not.

I totally understand your point of view - but I'd dump him OP, I really would. I can understand that you (despite everything) still love him, but his behaviour doesn't sound like a man who F'd up; it sounds like a man who thought he'd get away with it and is engaged in a damage limitation exercise. Don't F up your life for this guy; you'll be making excuses for him forever.

Firetrap

That's the crucial difference, isn't it? Instead of waking up the next morning and going "Oh Christ, what have I done?" and agonising over whether to tell or not to tell you, he brazenly went onto Facebook. If he was one bit sorry over what had happened, he'd not be bragging to his mates but would be agonising over whether to tell you or not and when to do it. Threads about this pop up here all the time and the one thing that people always say is that they're so sorry about what happened. I get the impression that if he hadn't been rumbled, you'd never have found out. He obviously felt so proud of his virility that he felt he needed to spread the good news on Facebook.

LegacyUser

Op I really feel for you. I also have come on to boards looking for advice re a boyfriend cheating. Its harsh. You really only want to hear ways that it can work out but most posters on boards tell you that it can never work out. Sometimes I wonder have some of the posters ever been in relationships or how they can look at every situation in such a controlled and black and white fashion.

What your boyfriend did was really wrong. Betrayal is a very difficult thing to deal with in a relationship and even harder if you're living on the other side of the world. Building up a relationship after infidelity is very hard but it can be done. I just think it will be 5000 times harder if he lives in Australia and you live in Ireland. You will need a lot of reassurance from him from here on in and the question is - is that possible if he lives in Australia? He won't be there to cuddle you, or go for a walk, or just physically be there for you if you need him most.

I've also been in a relationship with a guy who moved to Australia. It is really hard. The time difference for a start is hard. You can't talk to him when you need to. It costs a fortune as well! We lasted six months. He lied to me about a lot of things. Its really hard trying to deal with even trivial arguments when your partner isn't there with you. You can't see the sincereity in their eyes. They can't touch you. And yet you're past with this person leads you to believe that you owe them something because you love them and they love you.

My ex also offered to pay for me to go over. In the end I didn't. It killed me for a long time after because I never got to see him again. I completely understand that feeling you have right now that you'll never see him if you don''t take this opportunity to go to him. You're also running the risk of being completely dependent on him when you go there, like another poster said, playing happy families, even though he has hurt you so badly.

You said your family and friends said to go to him. I would take their advice over the posters here on boards who don't know him. Do you know anyone else in Sydney or wherever he is, so you can do other things. Its important that you will have some kind of independence. I'm not saying your boyfriend is a serial cheater but a lot of serial cheaters can be very controlling and you might find yourself in a situation that you will want to talk about the cheating and fb situation and he'll be dismissive and say that there's no need to talk about it. This is a big red flag. You should be allowed talk about it when you want initially. It might be painful for him, but he he committed the crime and he needs to be patient with you. He needs to understand how painful this is for you. How would he have felt if it the other way around? It sounds to me like you are the stronger person in this relationship. He is lucky to have a woman who is trying to work thing out logically inspite of being heartbroken. If you feel he is genuine and truly wants to remain faithful to you, then drop it. You can't keep bringing it up again and again. You will need to move on in your head too if you want the relationship to survive.

I think you should go. It could be a disaster or it could be the right thing to do. But at least you know, that you'll have given it everything. (And it's a free trip to Australia!!) You're reunion will be bittersweet. But you need o be sure that you are doing this for you and not him. Don't go over there because you feel sorry for him. Go, because you love him and you want to give the relationship another chance. You are the most important person in this situation. Look after yourself.

I hope it works out for you and that your boyfriend treats you like a queen if you do go over.

But if you don't, you will be ok. Just always be true to yourself...

I am a friend

cucumber wrote: »

Sometimes I wonder have some of the posters ever been in relationships or how they can look at every situation in such a controlled and black and white fashion.

Well the reason most people take time out of their lives, myself included, is to post here and give people the benefit of our experiences...

Well, he put his **** in another girl (sorry to be crude), I consider that black / white...

And Ill add to that - he bragged to his friend about it...

Esoteric_

I am a friend wrote: »

Well the reason most people take time out of their lives, myself included, is to post here and give people the benefit of our experiences...

Well, he put his **** in another girl (sorry to be crude), I consider that black / white...

Agreed 100%. I've stayed with more than one person who cheated on me, even rebuilt the trust with one, but it's damn difficult in the same county, so it's (in my opinion) gonna be damn near impossible if he's thousands of miles away. If they were both living in Ireland, they could try again and postpone the moving in thing, but they're not really able to postpone moving in together because then they'd still be stuck in this position of being separated, yet if she moved over to him she'd be uprooting her whole life for what is most likely going to be a failed relationship. the guy is making NO sacrifices, the girl is making them all and since HE is in the wrong, he should be the one making massive sacrifices for her.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Well the reason most people take time out of their lives, myself included, is to post here and give people the benefit of our experiences...

Well, he put his **** in another girl (sorry to be crude), I consider that black / white...

Yes that is a very crude and harsh thing to say. You may be 100% correct in this situation but then again you may not. Many relationships have survived blips and none of us posting here can safely assume that this man intentionally hurt his girlfriend or will do this again.

They had been away from each other for a long time. That is a very hard way to conduct a relationship. I certainly do not condone what he did. I've been at the receiving end of a cheater's actions very recently myself. It is wrong and the pain and shock that the OP is going through is unbelieveble. But she has a past with this man. He is telling her that he still wants a future. If he didn't care he wouldn't have offered to pay that much money for the flights. In cases like this actions speak louder than words. If the guys wants to move on and be single it woud have done that. He still wants her obviously. It makes more sense for her to travel over to him because she is free. He's working and paying rent. He's obviously not loaded so this is a big gesture in my opinion. There is nothing else he can do, when you're that far apart.

I get the impression that when the OP does her exams in August she was planning to go over and live with him then. At least if she goes over now, comes back in AUgust, she will know for sure whether going over there after August is the right thing to do. Otherwise she will be wondering...

People make mistakes......hopefully the OPs boyfriend has realised how much he has to lose and won't behave like that again.

Me personally, I'm probably not person for giving though. I always give second and third or more chances and end up heartbroken again and again. But I couldn't live my life with that black or white attitude. It seems very controling to me. I wish I could be like that. But when the heartbreak is over .........and it does pass OP......if you are an emotional person like me.........you won't regret trying to give love a second chance. Like I said before, you just need to be true to yourself. Just ask yourself........- is this what you want to do? If there is a chance that your boyfriend is remorseful at this stage - is it worth it? But also you do need to be very cautious and realise that is he is not sincere you are prolonging the pain that you are going through right now.

I think it's wonderful that so many people seem to be able to move on and finish with their partners so quickly. I wish I could be like that. I wish for the OPs sake that she could be like that as well. It would be so much easier for her if she could just turn around and say to her boyfriend 'that's it thats the end" . But I can feel the hurt she is going through and the love that she still has for this man through her replies.

No doubt about it he has let her down and betrayed her very badly. And I am sorry for the OP that that has happened, but I really hope things do work out.

I am a friend

cucumber wrote: »

Many relationships have survived blips

Yep but to what level? Are they ever the same afterwards or is someone always on the backfoot?

cucumber wrote: »

none of us posting here can safely assume that this man intentionally hurt his girlfriend or will do this again.

True but if you put yourself in that position....

cucumber wrote: »

In cases like this actions speak louder than words.

Yep they do.... He bragged to his friend on facebook about his conquest - these are not the actions of a sorry man (boy)....

cucumber wrote: »

I always give second and third or more chances and end up heartbroken again and again.

Well with all due respect, the 2nd and 3rd chances are not working that well are they?? If they are not working for you, why are you advising someone to give a cheat a second chance??

cucumber wrote: »

It seems very controling to me.

Why do you have to be out of control to be in love?

cucumber wrote: »

you won't regret trying to give love a second chance.

Huh? See above....

judgefudge

Hey guys,

Thanks for the input I really appreciate it all. At the moment I'm just confused. I know that giving him a second chance is something a lot of people couldnt do and wouldnt do in my shoes. Cucumber a lot of the things you said struck a chord with me I guess because that is how I'm feeling (whether right or wrong). I don't know quite what to do at this point... I keep thinking I would regret not going over to see but then at the same time I'm afraid I would just crumble once I see him and forgive him. So I'm just trying to get my head around it at the moment.

Despite what he did I don't think he has done it before and I don't think he did it intentionally. You might sit there and think "dumb cow" but I guess I've been with the guy 3.5yrs I do know some things about his nature. I refuse to believe that over 95% of guys will cheat given the chance, I think thats a bit ridiculous and stereotypical to be honest. Believe it or not I'm not oblivious to the fact that he has acted like an absolute bastard but in fairness people **** up all the time. I don't know if I'm ready to turn my back on love at the first sign of weakness in someone else. Saying that I don't think there'd ever be a third chance.

On the other hand maybe its not worth it. I've just finished my final yr in college, havent applied for any postgrad courses (because I was moving) and probably can't get a job so I don't have much holding me in Ireland at the moment. I always wanted to move to Australia but it probably would be very difficult being dependant on him. He has a lot of family there that I have met and could probably turn to for support, but then again they are his family. My family are very supportive and have said that if I did decide to go over and give it a chance I'd just have to say the word and they'd get me a flight home if I needed it. I don't know how so many people think so black and white about everything, I must be wired differently, or naive, or stupid.

I am a friend

judgefudge wrote: »

I must be wired differently, or naive, or stupid.

You are not stupid you just want to make things different....