Overweight child - how to avoid eating disorders

gym_mom

I have a 10 year old girl who is quite overweight. Her problem started from a small baby when she could never be satisfied and was put on the "hungry baby" formula on the advice of the health nurse. This quickly piled on the pounds and she has always craved food since. Although we watch her food intake as much as possible and she is quite active and relatively fit in comparison to many of her peers, she is well overweight for her age and height. She is a tall girl with a large bone structure as well. My younger kids are a normal weight and don't have this problem.

She does lots of activities including swimming, dancing, gaelic, trampolining and after school games and we are always out in the garden as much as possible. She walks to and from school. She loves her food but loves healthy dinners and we eat lots of veg and cook healthy meals. But she is always thinking about the next meal and looking for something else to eat. She definitely needs to diet and try to lose about 2 stone.

My dilhemma is this. Although I know she needs to diet, I just can't find the right way to enforce this because I am terrified of forcing an eating disorder on my child. I tell her all the time how important it is to be healthy and that she is beautiful and kind hearted etc.. She is aware of the problem because she has mentioned it so many times. But how do I make her diet without pushing her down the road to eating disorders. Is 10 to early for this ? I really need some good advice so please everyone else.. I dont need lectures.. Im quite aware that it's my fault and she needs to lose weight. I know the health issues, lectures wont help me. Can anyone please offer some real advice on how to tackle this issue with a young girl on her way towards puberty when body image is going to take over her life. I need to sort this out and I need to make sure Im doing it the right way because I've seen the damage that bulimea and anhorexia can do to people.

Thanks in advance...

January

I think your best bet would be to bring her to the GP and ask for a referral to a dietician or nutritionist

RedXIV

Two things OP,

Number 1, there's a good chance that in puberty that this may just disappear through a series of growth spurts, thats what happend to my brother who was chubby until he hit 14 and then when he added about a foot in height, he looked correctly proportional.

Number 2, it'd be a far better idea to ask this question here where you would get a good response on how to deliver low calorie food while still providing plenty to eat. Some great advice there and read the stickies at the top of the forum

It sounds like something that will be sorted out naturally. If as you say, she's as active as all that and physically fit and able to run around, I'd be surprised if its not just the prelude to a growth spurt

All the best!

gym_mom

Not sure Im getting the point across right. The point is this..

Im extremely worried that forcing this issue on a 10 year old will force her into an eating disorder as she gets older. I really think I could handle the diet myself because I love to cook, have my own vegetable garden and all, I cook healthy meals etc.. and I've had my own battles with weight and know how to do it once I put my mind to it.

I just feel that I have sort of avoided the problem up to now because Im terrified of the phschological impact it will have on her if I put my foot down and force her to actually diet to lose this weight. Will it be devastating for her to learn that mam and dad think I'm too fat ?

I agree that there's a possibiity that she will lose some of it as she grows taller and she is a tall child for her age already. However she has lots of cousins who are the very same shape as her and they didn't lose their weight and are still heavy.

RedXIV

Sorry OP, the point I was trying to get across might not have come across as well as I hoped. When I recommended the Nutrition and Diet forum, it was so you could still give good size portions but of healthier food with less calories.

If you think you are already giving healthy food and are simply considering cutting food out of her diet, then as posted above, I'd recommend a visit to a GP or Dietitian first

gym_mom

So can anyone please help with the phschological issue of forcing a 10 year old to face the fact that she's fat and how to avoid long term damage and eating disorders ?

coolabula

I dont think its possible to put your daughter on a diet and not have some negative effects down the line. I still remember hurtful things said to me as a child and they have affected me in certain ways to this day.

If your daughter is active (and she sounds more active than kids I know)and eats a healthy diet then how can she lose weight without going hungry?
This is where the problem is for me, if she goes without and suffers hunger pains but in the end loses some weight and receives positive feedback from you, she might see the "hunger pain" as a way to get positive attention.

Its very tricky for you, and i dont envy your situation but if it were my child I would wait until she was a teenager at least

good luck with whatever decision you go with

sealgaire

Maybe you should post exactly what she eats in a day?

Lots of people are misinformed about what exactly "healthy" foods are. . . .

gym_mom

coolabula wrote: »

I dont think its possible to put your daughter on a diet and not have some negative effects down the line. I still remember hurtful things said to me as a child and they have affected me in certain ways to this day.

If your daughter is active (and she sounds more active than kids I know)and eats a healthy diet then how can she lose weight without going hungry?
This is where the problem is for me, if she goes without and suffers hunger pains but in the end loses some weight and receives positive feedback from you, she might see the "hunger pain" as a way to get positive attention.

Its very tricky for you, and i dont envy your situation but if it were my child I would wait until she was a teenager at least

good luck with whatever decision you go with

Thanks for that. This is the kind of conversation I am looking for. I would be perfectly happy to take her to a nutritionist or whatever I need to do but it's the phshychological impact that Im worried about. I have wondered whether she is too young but can't seem to find the right answer. Taking her to a GP is a step further down the line, after a decision has been made whether or not it would be damaging for a young mind to have to face this reality. Does anyone else have experience of dealing with weight issues at a young age ? Yourself or your child ?

Rosy Posy

You are in a tricky situation, OP, but I would suggest that you try to deal with it now, before your child hits puberty, when she is already on an emotional rollercoaster. If you sow the seeds now you can tackle the problem gradually rather than putting her on a strict diet.

Maybe you could introduce a new healthy eating regime for the whole family- I know you already eat well but maybe try little things like switching to low fat dairy products or introducing a 'no second helpings' rule?

Also you could encourage her to drink lots of water, especially before a meal, or maybe introduce natural foods that support weight loss, such as grapefruit juice or acai berries.

Best of luck, and well done for approaching the matter in a sensitive way.

LadyMayBelle

I am not convinced there is an easy way around this OP. Clearly you yourself are very conscious of ‘triggering’ anything in your daughter, which I can understand and fair play to you for seeking advice.

Post her daily intake here or on the nutrition forum; you’ll get some great feedback. If she is eating more than her recommended calorie intake etc, you’ll get some suggestions and ideas to try.

You say she is always thinking about the next meal and where its coming from..this is something I think needs to be looked at more indepth..why is this? Is it genuine hunger or is is comfort eating? Are you feeding her as it is satisfactory to see her satisfied (every mother loves their child to have full tum!!). What’s the meal time routine at home and what’s her portion sizes like in comparison to adults/peers? Are 'treats' offered or food as a reward for good behaviour?

I do feel you would benefit from a nutritionist visit or even the school nurse if there is one; as I said I a previous thread..YOU are the adult and have the power to manage her intake etc..she isn’t going to starve

The emotional side of things is trickier, granted, but you can make the changes practically and subtly. Avoiding words like diet and low fat etc, but rather by adopting a positive approach to healthy eating, family exercise etc..

Also, does she herself comment on her size?

pickarooney

gym_mom wrote: »

She is aware of the problem because she has mentioned it so many times.

And what happens when she does? Do you tell her not to worry about it or say nothing...? This sounds like the perfect opportunity for you to help her with a problem she is acutely aware of, as long as it's clear that she wants to lose the weight and you're encouraging, not dictating.

Rosy Posy

Just saw your last post, OP, and I did have the experience of a parent who was constantly trying to slim me down as a prepubescent child, with the result that I did suffer from eating disorders in my teens. The crazy thing was that looking back on photos I was completely fine yet I thought (and was told) that I was overweight. Things to avoid include, the weighing scales, calling your child or others 'fat', banned foods (they will only crave them more and go mental on them as soon as they get their own money), making comparisons with their peers...I think the fact that you are aware that you want to protect your child from this problem and that you are approaching it in a sensitive way goes a long way to preventing it becoming an issue. However, it sounds like she is already aware to some extent of the problem and if it gets to a stage where her peers are bringing it up then she will be more at risk, so best to try and do something about it asap.

Dudess

Nice one Red for trying to be helpful - pity it was met with such dismissiveness. Focusing on positives rather than negatives would surely be the approach.

LadyMayBelle

gym_mom wrote: »

Thanks for that. This is the kind of conversation I am looking for. I would be perfectly happy to take her to a nutritionist or whatever I need to do but it's the phshychological impact that Im worried about. I have wondered whether she is too young but can't seem to find the right answer. Taking her to a GP is a step further down the line, after a decision has been made whether or not it would be damaging for a young mind to have to face this reality. Does anyone else have experience of dealing with weight issues at a young age ? Yourself or your child ?

I'm currently working with two children who recieved letter from the health service after a routine check up in school which stated, in bold they were 'clinically obese'. I was outraged, as both children read the letters as they were addressed to 'the parents of xxxx'. One girl 11 was devastated, however her Mum, I found was even more outraged, so I had to suggest to Mum to ‘settle down a little bit because all that stress, tension and anxiety is filtering through to your child, whether you mean it to or not. I am currently working on self esteem issues with the said child now, and working through those painful feelings having read that letter. We’ll continue to look at positive steps we can take. Other difficulties is that at that age there is a lot of puppy fat, which some kids don’t shake off for a bit.

It's not ignoring the act, but going about it in a positive light, and checking in with the child constantly to see how they are doing emotionally. I woudl be inclined to seek specialist advice nonetheless, esp if there is a history of ED or a culture of focusing on exercise in the family (I am not suggesting there is at all, but it's good to keep in mind and think back in the family line)

LadyMayBelle

Just re read.. the fact she is talking about it is fantastic..she is leaving the door open to you to talk to her, reassure her, support her..it is down to you to use those golden opportunities before that door closes again..which hopefully it won't, but sometimes it can.

Maybe I have missed something, correct me if I am wrong..there is no medical reason for her being overweight is there? Thyroid, on medication for anything?

Rough story Rosey x

gym_mom

Rosy Posy wrote: »

Just saw your last post, OP, and I did have the experience of a parent who was constantly trying to slim me down as a prepubescent child, with the result that I did suffer from eating disorders in my teens. The crazy thing was that looking back on photos I was completely fine yet I thought (and was told) that I was overweight. Things to avoid include, the weighing scales, calling your child or others 'fat', banned foods (they will only crave them more and go mental on them as soon as they get their own money), making comparisons with their peers...I think the fact that you are aware that you want to protect your child from this problem and that you are approaching it in a sensitive way goes a long way to preventing it becoming an issue. However, it sounds like she is already aware to some extent of the problem and if it gets to a stage where her peers are bringing it up then she will be more at risk, so best to try and do something about it asap.

She is very aware. She has been called fat by some kids in school, she has tended to watch the "fat families" programs on tv etc.. There is also one other problem. She is looked after by my inlaws after school, They are wonderful loving people who are fantastic with the kids but not really aware of nutrition etc. Kind of old school ideas of giving kids as much as they want. We've had conversations about limiting treats and not giving white bread, too big portions etc but it seems to work for a while then lapse back again. Its a lot to ask someone else to watch everything she eats.

I definitely dont call her fat, quite the contrary I am always re-affirming what a lovely child she is, she is quite beautiful and has a lovely personality and is really kind hearted. She is good and popular in school and generally enjoys life but definitely feels the strain of being over weight. We can't buy her nice clothes, I have to get small adult sizes for her so she never has a nice dress or can't wear jeans comfortably. I do admit that there seems to be always occasions where there is a lot of food consumed in our family which is very large and full of parties for this and that. She used to go horse riding and it was heartbreaking to see she couldnt get up on the horse herself and the helper couldn't lift her up. When her dance group has a show, she always needs a larger outfit etc.

I actually booked a nutritionist visit this time last year but cancelled at the last minute because I couldn't figure out how to tell her without it becoming a major issue. All along I've been trying to reassure her that when she grows taller she'll grow slimmer but she's almost 5 feet now and not getting any thinner.

LadyMayBelle

I think you need to see a nutritionist if there is nothing medical wrong here..even go yourself first and talk to them and keep a food log, diary of exercise. If you cannot be open and honest and positive about weight then I don't know if she can.

I also don't think it is too much to ask the people who look after her to do as you equest..bring a lunch with her when she goes, and sit down and explain to these people how she is your child and you need to take steps to prevent her from gainig more weight, however you can only do it if they are on board. I understand it is difficult if they are old school, but talk them through how you don't want food to be a focus, an issue and again, she is your child, you have every right to protect and nuture her.

While you want her to have a love of food, it has to be a good love.

Do keep a log, and let us see it, I really think that will help.

gym_mom

LadyMayBelle wrote: »

I think you need to see a nutritionist if there is nothing medical wrong here..even go yourself first and talk to them and keep a food log, diary of exercise. If you cannot be open and honest and positive about weight then I don't know if she can.

I also don't think it is too much to ask the people who look after her to do as you equest..bring a lunch with her when she goes, and sit down and explain to these people how she is your child and you need to take steps to prevent her from gainig more weight, however you can only do it if they are on board. I understand it is difficult if they are old school, but talk them through how you don't want food to be a focus, an issue and again, she is your child, you have every right to protect and nuture her.

While you want her to have a love of food, it has to be a good love.

Do keep a log, and let us see it, I really think that will help.

So do you think she's mature enough at 10 to face up to the problem without it becoming a major issue ? It's the fear of this that is holding me back from really tackling the problem head on.

cynder

gym_mom wrote: »

I We can't buy her nice clothes, I have to get small adult sizes for her so she never has a nice dress or can't wear jeans comfortably.
I.

My lady is 11 and 5 foot 1 and i buy her small adult sizes, what size is she?

My lady is diabetic so her diet is monitored and her carb intake, she was diagnosed at 7. So 1/3 of her life has been revolving around what she can and cant eat.

LadyMayBelle

My concern (blindly, but considering you haven't suggested there's a medical reason, and I have to assume her food intake is within a healthy calorific range and she is getting sufficient proper exercise) is that the issues may not only be around food.
I don't know her emotional capacity etc so impossible to say if she is 'ready'..at her age children are pre teen and some develop emotional faster than others.

CrazyRabbit

Just a quick comment as I have little time (I'm in work...sssh...don't tell me boss).

Have you considered the long term psychological impact of NOT tackling this issue now? If her weight increases, how will that affect her self image in the long run?

I don't think you need to worry too much about eating disorders. So long as your daughter knows that how much she is loved/liked is not related to her weight, then it shouldn't be an issue. Just ensure that the focus/reason for the weight loss is purely for health reasons and not to improve her image. This will need to be constantly re-inforced, by several people.

LadyMayBelle

Totally agree with Crazy Rabbit on this one.

Remember to focus on health, not weight.

paperclip2

If she is aware of the fact that she is overweight she could develop an eating disorder even without you broaching the subject of diets with her.

The fact shes spoken to you about it is great. You could use it as a starting point to help her take control of her weight in a constructive way so her size doesn't become the focus for dealing with other issues.

I developed bulimia at about 10 years of age. I was a large child and no-one ever spoke to me about dieting I was overweight and I made trying to control my weight the focus for other difficult things that were going on on my life at the time, nothing outrageous, just the usual stuff puberty throws up. What might have made a difference to me would have being taught how to manage my weight in a healthy way rather than having it ignored when it was obviously a problem.

If I was in your shoes OP I'd talk to your daughter about it in a positive way and as far as possible let her be in control of dealing with her weight with your guidance and support. Ignoring it out of fear may backfire on you in the long-run.

gym_mom

paperclip2 wrote: »

If she is aware of the fact that she is overweight she could develop an eating disorder even without you broaching the subject of diets with her.
The fact shes spoken to you about it is great. You could use it as a starting point to help her take control of her weight in a constructive way so her size doesn't become the focus for dealing with other issues.
I developed bulimia at about 10 years of age. I was a large child and no-one ever spoke to me about dieting I was overweight and I made trying to control my weight the focus for other difficult things that were going on on my life at the time, nothing outrageous, just the usual stuff puberty throws up. What might have made a difference to me would have being taught how to manage my weight in a healthy way rather than having it ignored when it was obviously a problem.
If I was in your shoes OP I'd talk to your daughter about it in a positive way and as far as possible let her be in control of dealing with her weight with your guidance and support. Ignoring it out of fear may backfire on you in the long-run.

Thanks for this. . I think you are right and how horrible for you to develop bulmia at such a young age (im so terrified of this as I really dont know what i'd do if I caused this).. I think we will have the chat about doing something positive and cutting down on calories in a big way. I know that she knows she is extremely lucky to have such a good and loving family, she appreciates all she has and knows shes really loved. I think she may be able to handle it in a mature way. I'll keep you posted on how we get on... It wont be easy !!!

cynder

is there anyway you could encourage more exercise, as in: im going for a walk come with me!

portion size can be an issue (i dont know your childs portion size!) its not what you eat its the amount you eat, sort of thing. Dish out smaller portions.

If there are no other kids in the house limit the amount of junk food bought in. Dont deny treat just limit portion sizes. If you buy fizzy drinks cut down on them.

All these things can be done without direct dialog with your daugher, however there will be a time where you will have to talk about weight/health. how to handle that sentivesly i dont know. I dont know your daughter or how she will handle it, but you cant ignore it either (prehaps you could bring it in, in the big girl talk and how as puberty hits you have to watch what you eat, sort of thing)

Chuchoter

I think if you get the GP to say it to her as opposed to you it might be better, but I think you'd be doing the right thing getting her to lose the weight now as opposed to when she gets into secondary school and then theres a whole host of other issues that get involved.

gym_mom

grindelwald wrote: »

is there anyway you could encourage more exercise, as in: im going for a walk come with me!

portion size can be an issue (i dont know your childs portion size!) its not what you eat its the amount you eat, sort of thing. Dish out smaller portions.

If there are no other kids in the house limit the amount of junk food bought in. Dont deny treat just limit portion sizes. If you buy fizzy drinks cut down on them.

All these things can be done without direct dialog with your daugher, however there will be a time where you will have to talk about weight/health. how to handle that sentivesly i dont know. I dont know your daughter or how she will handle it, but you cant ignore it either (prehaps you could bring it in, in the big girl talk and how as puberty hits you have to watch what you eat, sort of thing)

That's a good idea about the puberty talk. There are two other younger kids who are thin and normal for their age, they are not as much in love with food as their older sister is. Portion size is defniitely an issue but fizzy drinks don't exist in our house and sweets/treats/etc are limited.

gym_mom

crayolastereo wrote: »

I think if you get the GP to say it to her as opposed to you it might be better,

yes that's true, they do seem to listen to others rather than to us don't they.

Zamboni

These points are meant as constructive but it will probably sound harsh so take it as you wish.

You are feeding your child too many calories.
Take the kid gloves off with the In-laws if they are not adhering to your dietary requests whilst she in in their care. She is your child not theirs.
Exercise is clearly not an issue here.
You have not answered sealgaire's request to post your child's diet.
This should be your first port of call before requiring professional assistance through a dietician or GP.
Going to a GP/dietician will only reinforce to your child that there is an issue.
There are ways of increasing portion size and reducing calories at the same time.
The nutrition forum is full of posters who could provide ideas on how to reduce calories more than willing to help.

silverharp

There are plenty of good threads on the nutrition forum about low carb diets. A lot of people who crave food are actually craving carbs as their system reacts badly to too much sugar and carbs in general. A low carb diet tends to reduce appetite and reduces the amount of calories stored as fat.

I would be curious to see the current range of food of the child?, many people are badly mistaken about what is healthy.

gym_mom

She eats toast or cereal for breakfast. Generally weetabix, rice krispies or cornflakes. She has a ham sandwich on brown bread and an apple for lunch, diluted black current juice to drink. She eats dinner at the inlaws and this would sometimes be meat, potatoes and veg or could be unhealthy frozen food type stuff, stew, pasta, something with rice etc.. She doesn't eat with us in the evening but might have toast, or crackers or cereal, something light about 7.30. The unknowns I suppose are the amount of extra stuff she might have before she comes home but we limit biscuits etc in the house. Out of 6 easter eggs she got, she still has two unopened so she doesn't gorge on this stuff. At the weekends, we have similar type breakfast, usually cook decent heatlhy dinners and could have anything for tea like a roll, soup, sandwich, sausages, pasta. Weekends could be a problem with being out and about and getting too much treats like icecream or maybe crisps etc. We're not a takeaway family apart from the odd time if we've been out all day and we might get one on the way home, this would be a few chips and one sausage.

Portion size is a problem, one plateful is never enough, she always wants seconds, complains that she has a small plate while we have large ones and is always willing to finish her sisters' food.

Although she is involved in a lot of stuff, the excercise she is getting is not enough. The dancing is one hour a week as is the swimming and the football. Winter can be hard too because it's dark early and not a lot to do in the evenings. I walk regularly but can't get her to come with me, she's terrified of the dogs in the neighbours garden and this is the excuse not to come. (in fairness an alsation came at us the last time she came walking with me and frightened the life out of both of us).

I know what a lot of the problems are and I know I could develop a healthier diet for her... it's how to deal with it the right way without making her feel that her weight is a major issue.

LegacyUser

Op can she cook with you? Can you buy her any child's cooking book, or healthy eating book?

There's such a massive focus on weight in today's society, that it's an absolute minefield to navigate. I will say one thing though. I started piling on pounds a bit around the age of 10/11. My mum, while the best in the world, used to say a lot that we couldn't eat biscuits and sweets because they were bad for you. She never put anything sweet in our lunches either. In theory that's fine, but I remember from when I was 10/11 or so upwards, if I got a little bit of money - anything - I would gorge myself on sweets. Literally, I'd buy a pound or 1.50 worth of penny sweets, ice cream cones, 2 or 3 chocolate bars at a time. I even remember taking family packs of chocolate bars from the presses and eating them all in one sitting. When I look back, it's completely embarassing. Even from the age of 15 or so though, I used to wonder if I would have had such an extreme reaction to wanting sweets if she had just put a small bar in my lunch everyday.Maybe it would have helped and prevented me from eating the way I did in secret. I remember looking at other girls in my class and wondering how, if it was so bad for you, they could all have one small bar at the break time every day and not become fat or overweight.

I was never hugely overweight by any means - maybe a half a stone or so - but I remember always thinking that I was massive compared to everyone else. It didn't help that my mother frequently referred to it in somewhat couched terms, never directly saying "you're fat" - more just dropping into conversation endlessly about eating healthily, doing loads of exercise makes you lose weight, talking about cutting out biscuits and sweets...just small comments, that used to really strike into my heart, making me feel twice as bad. I hated clothes shopping,everything. Now I realise that much of my problem was actually my mother's way of approaching what was going on, because she didn't really know any better, but to this day, those feelings have stuck with me. I'm now 28 and it's only in recent years that my attitude to food has changed somewhat - and that I've realised that my mother's attitude to it is not that healthy and is certainly not the same as mine. Which I'm ok with. I'm a smallish size 12, which seems pretty ok to me.

Ok, so I've probably scared the crap out of you, which I didn't mean to do. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that dressing it up as something else, or constantly talking about (directly or indirectly) it is not really the way to go. I'll try and throw out a few ideas that just occur to me, that I might consider if it was my child - I don't know whether or not they'll work but I'm sure you could let us know...

Does she know about the food pyramid? Maybe you could sit her down and have a chat about puberty and what can happen in puberty (or is she a bit young?). Suggest that sometimes people can put on a lot of weight during puberty, and to prevent against it, show her the food pyramid. Maybe use it in conjunction with a food diary or log, in a notebook that she choses herself. Maybe look at focusing on just eating less of some things and more of others - not weighing things out or anything - just "I had 1 biscuit today, but I also had brown bread/this much veg/this much yogurt - here's how it fits into the food pyramid.

Definitely, definitely, definitely have a chat with the inlaws. It's your child, they need to stick with what you ask, especially if you have concerns.

Could you talk to your GP or a dietician yourself, without your daughter, and ask them for suggestions? Is there a school nurse you could go to? Literally explain your problem and tell them you didn't want to bring her along the first time, because you're afraid of the effect it might have on her. Ask them for the best ways to address this.

I know you say you eat healthily, but you do need to review her diet. Are there a lot of snacks between meals? Is she eating a lot of white bread? Is there a lot of sugary foods there? What are the portion sizes? Nutrition forum might be good for that.

I can't think of anything else right now.It's hard, but you should address it, because she'll feel very awkward about her weight once she is a teenager and it'll be an extremely sensitive issue then.

Zamboni

gym_mom wrote: »

She eats toast or cereal for breakfast. Generally weetabix, rice krispies or cornflakes. She has a ham sandwich on brown bread and an apple for lunch, diluted black current juice to drink. She eats dinner at the inlaws and this would sometimes be meat, potatoes and veg or could be unhealthy frozen food type stuff, stew, pasta, something with rice etc.. She doesn't eat with us in the evening but might have toast, or crackers or cereal, something light about 7.30.
At the weekends, we have similar type breakfast, usually cook decent heatlhy dinners and could have anything for tea like a roll, soup, sandwich, sausages, pasta.

Everything in bold is heavy in sugar and will cause insulin spikes which will assist fat gain.
Trade all of them for more vegetables,eggs, meat/fish.

gym_mom wrote: »

Portion size is a problem, one plateful is never enough, she always wants seconds, complains that she has a small plate while we have large ones and is always willing to finish her sisters' food.

Say no.
Done deal. Be firm.
If she wants big portions give her tons of veg.

gym_mom wrote: »

Although she is involved in a lot of stuff, the excercise she is getting is not enough. The dancing is one hour a week as is the swimming and the football.

Again, exercise is not the issue here.
The diet is.

LadyMayBelle

I really feel OP that you have gotten a lot of suggestions and advice from this thread and you have to take that step and put them into practice. I agree the longer term effects of your child being overweight may be devastating for her in the future so you ened to act now.

1)I'm no nutritionsist but I reckon you could pop some more fruit in there, as a snack as opposed to treats and chips. Her diet seems very carb heavy...

2)Take control of what food your inlaws give your daughter. It is your responsibilty.

3) Get her exercising some more, not as 'exercise' but as a family. Can you drive to a spot nearby so you can avoid that dog and get a fast paced nature walk in? Can you ask your neighbour to keep the dog in for the few minutes it takes to walk past the house?

4) Portion size is also your resonsiblity. Your child will not starve once she has the right nutritious amount of food and as said, portion size can be large with lower calories.You have the power to say 'No'.
Give her plenty of fluids; often hunger is confused with thirst.

5)Ease up on the 'treats' for ALL the family..is there a need for eveyone to have treats, why not some fruit or healthy snack instead? Introduce new fruits; Lidl and Aldi often have great selections and varieties if the cost is an issue.

6) Ban weighing scales, trashy magazines with stcik thin models from the house. You cannot protect your child from exposure to such nonsense but you can limit what may be harmful.


7) Focus on the health, not the weight. Think about your own attitudes to weight..is there eating disorders, unhealthy attitudes to weight, are overweight in your home/family? Are there people who 'diet' etc and has she been aware of this?

8)Seek support from the school, her GP and consider a referral to a nutritionist. I guarantee you however, that the first thing they will tell you to do, is to try what has been recommended on this thread. Emotional health wise, boost her self esteem and do not shame, don't be critical (I see you don't and aren't. that's super) and maybe do some reading on that topic. I am sure the school has come up against this before and can point you in the direct of a PHN perhaps

9) Be concsious that your anxieties about weight etc can be sensed by your daughter. She is hitting puberty, where weight can become a issue, so be supportive and take the windows of opportunity that come to you to talk face to face about this stuff.

You're her Mum and judging by a lot of the posts on this thread, it is much better to sort this out now than wait years down the line.

I'm EDITING after reading that anon posters suggestions..fantastic post and ideas...so much of what you need to do is about educating her..knowledge is power, at any age.

I would also suggest you educate yourself on causes of eating disorders so you are aware fully of the facts and the many factors that can influence and also what can be done to help prevent.

www.bodywhys.ie

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/nedaDir/files/documents/handouts/WhatCaus.pdf

gym_mom

Thanks for all the great advice folks. I'll be sure to update this thread when I tackle the issue and let you know how it's going. I think it could be my own fear that's holding me back from really tackling it.

LadyMayBelle

gym_mom wrote: »

Thanks for all the great advice folks. I'll be sure to update this thread when I tackle the issue and let you know how it's going. I think it could be my own fear that's holding me back from really tackling it.

If you think it is, then you did a great thing by seeking out support and not 'ignoring' the issue and there is a lot more out there if you look for it. Best of luck and do keep us posted; I for one am very interested

titanium feather

I can understand your concerns about avoiding causing psychological issues for your daughter.

As the parent, you need to take responsibility for your daughter's food intake. By all means, be open to discussion with her about it. But when you're discussing it with her, don't refer to it as a "diet", or as something she has to do. Instead, just gently (but firmly!) introduce healthier alternatives to some of the food that she's currently eating.

I think it's important that, firstly, any changes you make should be to your family's diet as a whole, so that she doesn't feel "victimised" or left out. Secondly, you should emphasise that any changes implemented are permanent, lifestyle changes, which are going to make the family healthier - not a "diet" to make her lose weight.

It may be an idea to gradually change one meal at a time. Begin with breakfast - Weetabix isn't the worst (although it's not great), but Rice Krispies and Cornflakes are full of sugar! And toast is no way to start the day either, especially for such an active child. Simply don't buy any more cereal once what's there runs out. And look into healthier, more filling alternatives (perhaps eggs, porridge, yoghurt, fruit, wholegrain bread, etc.) And be firm and consistent - your daughter and her siblings may kick up a fuss at first, and may even refuse to eat it, but once they see you're not giving in they'll accept it as the new "norm". Involve them in the decision - ask the night before "what will we make for breakfast in the morning" and you can discuss what they'd like and why this would/would not make a healthy nutritious breakfast.

Just to emphasise again, this is something that all of your children should be involved in - your eldest should not be treated any differently because of her weight. I believe that this is the best way to avoid creating "issues" for her.

When you have a good breakfast routine sorted, you can start looking at the other meals.

Also, introduce new rules for the family which everyone must follow. For example, create a "snack" shelf of healthy food, and this is the only food that anyone is allowed have outside of mealtimes. Avoid the issue of her looking for "seconds" by making only enough to feed everyone a normal sized meal - it's all about portion control (particularly with things like pasta, potatoes, rice - no need to eliminate them completely, but read up online about appropriate portion sizes for these foods, and stick to them.) Offer a healthy dessert instead of seconds. Strictly limit the diluted drinks, and introduce healthier alternatives. Then maybe have one slightly more relaxed day a week, say on a Sunday, where the family is allowed some "treat" food (don't make it an all out binge day though!)

There is no reason for her (or for any of you) to ever go hungry or to feel "unsatisfied" after a meal - just start making healthier choices as a family, and you'll help her lose the weight without her even realising that it's a problem.

Sleepy

Any chance you could convince the kids the dietary changes are for your or "Dad's" benefit rather than their own. Might make it easier to deal with if they think they're having to eat healthier to stop Daddy getting fat than as a means of improving your daughter's diet?

How Strange

I think a nutrionalist is a great idea. It would be good to keep a food diary of the whole family so they know what you're eating and maybe bring a dinner plate to show what your portion sizes are.

I honestly can't see a gp being equipped with the skills to deal with such a delicate issue effectively yet tactfully. That's what a nutrionalist is qualified to do.

I agree that there's alot of refined carbs in her diet and while it may not affect her siblings her system can't process them. It's also very important that she learns about portion sizes now especially for carbs.

Yes it's a possible minefield but take the focus off her eating badly and start changing how the whole family eats. Protein for breakfast is a much healthier way to start the day so eggs or yoghurt and fruit. This will keep her more full for longer. A good portion of meat or fish at dinner with lots of veg and a small portion of carbs. Again, it's about changing a mindset but once she and the whole family start eating like this she should feel more full. I always do the 20 minute ule. It takes 20 minutes for my brain to tell my stomach that I'm full so if I'm still hungry after 20 mins I'll get something else up eat but usually I'll feel full.

I think she wants to change things because you say she's mentioned her weight to you so now you as the parent have to initiate that change. The focus if the change should be on healthy eating not on calorie counting or dieting. If it's done in a positive way to benefit the health if the whole family even the slimmer members (to avoid cholesterol etc) then she won't feel singled out as being on a diet for being fat or overweight.

_ariadne

Definatley deal with this asap before she is a teenager!
As has been said, have an open conversation with her about how she feels about her weight, relationship to food etc and keep it centred around being healthy, not about image. Its great to give other people the heads up and get them to comment to her about how good and healthy she is eating etc.

The food with the in-laws does seem to be a problem, would it be possible for you to make healthy meals at weekends and then freeze them for them to use during the week? also provide a smaller plate (you can get plates made with pictures etc, maybe get all of your children to design a plate each) for your daughter to use.
also keeping her involved with food diaries, dr visits etc will be good for her to take direct control on her eting habits.

Eating disorders are awful and you, like all parents, will need to keep a good eye out for the signs. But really, being owerweight is a huge health problem and you owe to to your child to tackle this.

gym_mom

Yes the food at the inlaws is a bit of a minefield. We've had the conversation a few times over the years and yes they are always willing to help but after a while it slips back. To be honest, they actually dont understand what healthy eating is. They are all very overweight themselves and eat badly. I have fought with myself about making the meals and sending them up but I suppose a combination of not having the time to do that and a bit of laziness on my part in terms of cooking all that food in advance on the weekends as well as being afraid of insulting them. I have decided Im going to do this more though, Im going to start sending up dinners for a few days of the week, especially for the summer months when they will be there a lot more. It's not there fault though, Im not saying it is. It's all down to us to sort out.

Anyway, we had a chat last night (the hubby and I). I tried to coax her to come walking with me and she kept saying No. Then her dad just told her to get her runners and they were going walking and there was to be no argument. Once she was out the gate she stopped complaining and enjoyed the walk. I told the three of them when they returned that we were all going to get a lot more excercise from now on and that they could choose what it was. So I think small steps is the way forward. We've been cutting out the bad food bit by bit. Last evening I avoided taking the kids to an event where there would be a lot of bad stuff because they've had a couple of these already this week. The portion sizes are next on my agenda and then another chat with the inlaws. Im still thinking about the nutritionist but it will be more in terms of finding out if she has an intolerance to any certain foods. Im not sure how she will take this so I'll research it a bit more.

Thanks again for all the advice, Im reading every little bit and although Im not commenting on everyone's points, I've taken a lot of good things from this so keep them coming if you have any more. I'd like to hear from anyone who has a similar story (hopefully with a happy ending but any story will be great).

cynder

gym_mom wrote: »

.

Anyway, we had a chat last night (the hubby and I). I tried to coax her to come walking with me and she kept saying No. Then her dad just told her to get her runners and they were going walking and there was to be no argument. Once she was out the gate she stopped complaining and enjoyed the walk. I told the three of them when they returned that we were all going to get a lot more excercise from now on and that they could choose what it was. So I think small steps is the way forward. We've been cutting out the bad food bit by bit. Last evening I avoided taking the kids to an event where there would be a lot of bad stuff because they've had a couple of these already this week. The portion sizes are next on my agenda and then another chat with the inlaws. Im still thinking about the nutritionist but it will be more in terms of finding out if she has an intolerance to any certain foods. Im not sure how she will take this so I'll research it a bit more.

).

Good work!

kaa

gym_mom wrote: »

So can anyone please help with the phschological issue of forcing a 10 year old to face the fact that she's fat and how to avoid long term damage and eating disorders ?

wel i was chubby as a child and my parents where like you...we had healthy dinners and all that and i was exactly like your daughter. i was always out playing and i played sport and was able to keep up with d skinny kids like. but when i hit puberty the weight just fell off me....maybe that will happen to your daughter. because my brothes where totally different body shapes....they were skinny and active and we had the same dinners like.

and im going to be honest when i did loss the weight i did not eat alot because i wanted the stay the way i was....i only ate once r twice a day...and i do know thats what your worried about and i dont blame you because looking back it was stupid of me.

so my advice maybe visit your gp and ask his opionion. or maybe when your daughter brings up here own weight maybe you step in and disscuss your own weight issues and struggles to make her feel better and maybe attack this together and ask her what she would like to do about it and tell her what you did and all that or maybe ye decide on seeing a dietican together. hope this helps and good luck

cbyrd

I have the same issue with my eldest but i don't sugarcoat it with her. She tends to put on over the winter when exercise is limited. I have no hesitation in telling her that the 6 crackers she eats is full of salt and fat and she'd be better eating an apple or banana.
I switched to a smaller plate size for dinner. I limit treats to 1 a day took her off all sweetened drinks not just fizzy ones.

She drinks water now and lots more than she used to. It wasn't an overnight thing it took about 3 months but it was well worth it. Her self-esteem shot up and she can now fit into 'fashionable' clothes like her friends, its difficult, but the joy when the pounds started falling off was great. I've educated her in the difference between different foods, the effects longterm of too much sugar and salt and the difference between sugar from fruit as opposed to sugars in sweets.

She's 12 now going through puberty and is a complete bitch somedays,:D but i don't think a day goes by that she doesn't pay attentiion to what she eats.
Portion size is the most important. then exercise, we have a trampoline and she spends ages on it. Don't get me wrong there's times i wonder if i'm doing the right thing by making her aware of how big she was getting, the alternative was turn a blind eye and watch her get bigger and more miserable. She's by no means skinny, but a size 8-10 in grown up sizes fit her grand, she's about 5 foot now and she's a 34B . Eat less exercise more...:) Good luck with it.

LegacyUser

OP, your daughter's problem may be a little more complicated than simply diet.

If she is constantly hungry as you describe, it could be that she has metabolic abnormalities, such as leptin deficiency or thyroid issues - which might mean that no matter how much she eats, she will still feel hungry, because the hormones from her body that tell her brain that she has had enough to eat don't work properly.

I think what other posters have suggested about maintaining a focus on health rather than image is important, and you seem to be doing a great job in terms of being sensitive and aware, so I think you've already won half the battle.

A GP referral to an endocrinologist might shed some light on any metabolic abnormalities - which, if present, are quite treatable and will result in normalisation of appetite and weight. It might also make her feel better about herself (ie that she's not "weak" or "greedy" for being hungry all the time, because it's not her fault). It's only a thought I had after reading your descriptions but it's definitely worth checking out.

gym_mom

kaa wrote: »

wel i was chubby as a child and my parents where like you...we had healthy dinners and all that and i was exactly like your daughter. i was always out playing and i played sport and was able to keep up with d skinny kids like. but when i hit puberty the weight just fell off me....maybe that will happen to your daughter. because my brothes where totally different body shapes....they were skinny and active and we had the same dinners like.

and im going to be honest when i did loss the weight i did not eat alot because i wanted the stay the way i was....i only ate once r twice a day...and i do know thats what your worried about and i dont blame you because looking back it was stupid of me.

so my advice maybe visit your gp and ask his opionion. or maybe when your daughter brings up here own weight maybe you step in and disscuss your own weight issues and struggles to make her feel better and maybe attack this together and ask her what she would like to do about it and tell her what you did and all that or maybe ye decide on seeing a dietican together. hope this helps and good luck

Did you lose the weight just by hitting puberty and growing taller or was it coupled with a definite plan of eating less and excercising more ? Im hoping that this will happen but when I look back on photos, the older she has got, the fatter she has become so the height hasn't dont anything yet.

I think portions is going to be my biggest help. I'll really focus on this for starters and try introduce different things each week as we get used to each one.

cynder

cbyrd wrote: »

I have the same issue with my eldest but i don't sugarcoat it with her. She tends to put on over the winter when exercise is limited. I have no hesitation in telling her that the 6 crackers she eats is full of salt and fat and she'd be better eating an apple or banana.
I switched to a smaller plate size for dinner. I limit treats to 1 a day took her off all sweetened drinks not just fizzy ones.

She drinks water now and lots more than she used to. It wasn't an overnight thing it took about 3 months but it was well worth it. Her self-esteem shot up and she can now fit into 'fashionable' clothes like her friends, its difficult, but the joy when the pounds started falling off was great. I've educated her in the difference between different foods, the effects longterm of too much sugar and salt and the difference between sugar from fruit as opposed to sugars in sweets.

She's 12 now going through puberty and is a complete bitch somedays,:D but i don't think a day goes by that she doesn't pay attentiion to what she eats.
Portion size is the most important. then exercise, we have a trampoline and she spends ages on it. Don't get me wrong there's times i wonder if i'm doing the right thing by making her aware of how big she was getting, the alternative was turn a blind eye and watch her get bigger and more miserable. She's by no means skinny, but a size 8-10 in grown up sizes fit her grand, she's about 5 foot now and she's a 34B . Eat less exercise more...:) Good luck with it.

SHe is perfect , size at 8-10 in adults clothes is perfect. My lady (age 11) is 5 foot 1`(29 inch leg) and she is in size 6 - 8 clothes, however she does have a few size 10 clothes (chest size 32aa), she is one of the skinniest in her year at school (out of 90 kids). my problem is keeping the weight on her, as when she gets sick her blood sugars go haywire and she can loose over 1/2 a stone in 2-3 days. she is now almost 7 stone now after loosing weight there about 2 months ago.


My lady thinks she is fat, its i have a fat belly or i have fat legs, i have to convince her she is normal.

Ayla

grindelwald wrote: »

SHe is perfect , size at 8-10 in adults clothes is perfect...

I have no official guidelines, only my own experience here, but I am 31 yrs old, almost 5'7" and I wear a size 10. According to the "Stop the Spread" campaign recently launched (where women are considered overweight for having over a 32" waist) I am just on the fence (ie: I'm 32").

Personally, I wouldn't think having a 12 yr old who's only around 5' wearing size 8-10 is "perfect." There is a reason they call them adult clothes.

Zamboni

usergoinganonym wrote: »

OP, your daughter's problem may be a little more complicated than simply diet.

If she is constantly hungry as you describe, it could be that she has metabolic abnormalities, such as leptin deficiency or thyroid issues - which might mean that no matter how much she eats, she will still feel hungry, because the hormones from her body that tell her brain that she has had enough to eat don't work properly.

A GP referral to an endocrinologist might shed some light on any metabolic abnormalities - which, if present, are quite treatable and will result in normalisation of appetite and weight. It might also make her feel better about herself (ie that she's not "weak" or "greedy" for being hungry all the time, because it's not her fault). It's only a thought I had after reading your descriptions but it's definitely worth checking out.

Why are you creating problems that are not more than likely not there?
Google Occam's Razor when you get a moment.

Ayla

Out of fairness, though, the OP did state in her original message that her daughter's weight & constant feeding has been a lifelong issue. And one that her siblings do not share. Considering she does have a (comparitively) healthy lifestyle and (generally) healthy diet, maybe it's not out of line to do some simple physiological tests to make sure there isn't something else gong on. Won't hurt to rule that out as a possible trigger anyway.