cheated on bf with best friend

LegacyUser

Feels like something out of a movie, and I'm sick to my stomach thinking about this. My boyfriend's best friend lives on my road, and we get along really well, we were friends before I started seeing my boyfriend and since then, we've become solid friends. He called over the other night for a chat, I'd had people over the night before and there was a bit of left over alcohol. We ended up drinking it, and it's a total ****ing cliché, but we ended up kissing. without going into detail, it went a bit further, bit of groping etc, but no sex.

We both feel absolutely awful about this. My boyfriend deserves so much better than the two of us, but I really don't know what to do about the situation. It was only us two in the house, nobody else knows, so it's very likely that he will never find out about this, and there's absolutely no fear of it happening again. So do I tell him or not?

I've been weighing up my options. He would 100% break up with me if he knew, and he'd likely never speak to his friend again either. They have been friends for sixteen years and I do NOT want to be the reason their friendship ends. His friend is genuinely a lovely guy, cares for him loads, and he's wracked with guilt, but he doesn't want to tell my boyfriend. He's too scared for their friendship.
I don't want to tell him either, but I don't feel like I have the right to stay with him after this. I feel awful, way too guilty, and I know I should end it, but things are really great between us and if I just end it out of the blue he'll likely be very upset. He should really be the one to end it, but he won't because he doesn't know.

I suppose I'm asking would I be a bad person if i continued on like nothing happened, or should i tell him? he more than likely will never find out. i'm twenty one, he's twenty two, and we've been together for five years.

MagicMarker

Do you really think you'll be able to just forget about this the next time the 3 of you are together? It's bound to come out sooner or later, the hurt your BF may feel now would be nothing compared to him finding out down the line after you both keeping it secret.

I wouldn't tell him, but I wouldn't stay with him either.

I am a friend

It's simple enough and blaming the booze is eliminating your responsibility for finding out why this happened.

So forget the booze - why did this happen?

beano345

His friend is genuinely a lovely guy, cares for him loads, and he's wracked with guilt, but he doesn't want to tell my boyfriend.

i think your boyfriend has a right to know then he can make the decision whether to cut the two of you out of his life or not.imagine the roles were reversed surely you would like to know,especially before marriage and kids became involved.he will feel worse down the line when he finds out.do you think you can live with this on your conscience?

LegacyUser

It's simple enough and blaming the booze is eliminating your responsibility for finding out why this happened.

So forget the booze - why did this happen?

I'm not deflecting responsibility, i know it's my fault, im not using alcohol to make excuses, but there's nothing deeper to this than the fact that we were both drunk. I have no romantic feelings for his friend at all.

Miss Fluff

What a mess. How did this happen? I mean some events do just happen and that's life but you don't just "happen" to end up getting really hot and heavy with your boyfriend's BEST FRIEND. And you don't just end up almost shagging your best friend's other half. Most people don't conduct themselves like that so I don't really buy into the "but we had too much to drink" protestations either tbh. Why was he calling around to yours in the first place? What was the prelude to this exactly? Has there always been flirting?

Alter-Ego

The alcohol excuse doesn't cut it. If you can't control yourself after a few then you should reconsider your relationship with alcohol. You're trying to cover your own a$$ tbh.

Honesty is the best policy. If you have any respect for your BF you'll tell him everything and let him decide if he wants anything to do with either of you. Its essential he knows because its not right that his girlfriend and best friend are keeping secrets from him.

Elle Collins

terrible gf wrote: »

They have been friends for sixteen years and I do NOT want to be the reason their friendship ends.

Well you're already the reason their friendship will never be the same again so you may as well up and do the only decent thing left to do, the thing you'd want your bf to do if the shoe was on the other foot, and you don't need anyone one here to tell you what that is - you already know.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

What a mess. How did this happen? I mean some events do just happen and that's life but you don't just "happen" to end up getting really hot and heavy with your boyfriend's BEST FRIEND. And you don't just end up almost shagging your best friend's other half. Most people don't conduct themselves like that so I don't really buy into the "but we had too much to drink" protestations either tbh. Why was he calling around to yours in the first place? What was the prelude to this exactly? Has there always been flirting?

I'm not using alcohol as an excuse, I fully accept my part of the responsibility here, i provided the information that we were drinking to put the situation into context. He was in my house because we're friends, we were friends before myself and the boyfriend got together, and we're in the same college, so we've become better friends in the time since then. i wrote this in a reply before but i dont think it showed up - i have no romantic feelings for this friend. This happened COMPLETELY out of the blue. there's never been flirting, no feelings, no inappropriateness before this.

to be honest, i've very little recollection of how this actually happened, who initiated it etc. it's very possibly i initiated but equally possible he did, or perhaps we both did. I really couldn't say. Of course, I've been asking myself how on earth this came about - and again, I am accepting responsibility, but there's absolutely no chance this would have happened if we're weren't both hammered. we've been alone in each others company before and nothing has ever happened, never even any awkward moments. I've never got the idea that he has feelings for me either.

fghijkl

im not using alcohol to make excuses

there's nothing deeper to this than the fact that we were both drunk

...but you are using alcohol as an excuse.

His friend is genuinely a lovely guy, cares for him loads

No he's not, he cheated with his BEST FRIENDS gf, you don't betray someone you "care" for like that.

My boyfriend deserves so much better than the two of us

Yes he does.

I suppose I'm asking would I be a bad person if i continued on like nothing happened

To be very blunt you cheated on him with his best friend so you're already a bad person.
If you don't want to be an absolute... (i won't say what) and sink even lower, then tell him.

You've both behaved appallingly. If you have any ounce of respect for your boyfriend, then break up with him, or at the very least tell him the truth.

LegacyUser

fghijkl, looking for constructive advice, don't need nor want your judgement, I can judge myself, refrain from insinuating I am a whore, thanks. Obviously I'm not the most wholesome person, but I'm far from a whore.

IrishEyes19

fghijkl wrote: »

...but you are using alcohol as an excuse.


No he's not, he cheated with his BEST FRIENDS gf, you don't betray someone you "care" for like that.


Yes he does.


To be very blunt you cheated on him with his best friend so you're already a bad person.
If you don't want to be an absolute... (i won't say what) and sink even lower, then tell him.

You've both behaved appallingly. If you have any ounce of respect for your boyfriend, then break up with him, or at the very least tell him the truth.

for god sake, who called in the moral brigade :eek:

not condoning your actions, OP, but whats with the harsh words towards the OP, she has already said it was wrong, she's not asking people to decide whether she's a bad person, she's looking for some advice on whether to tell him. my advice would to be honest with him, these things have a habit of cropping out of nowhere, best of luck, op

LegacyUser

fghijkl wrote: »

...but you are using alcohol as an excuse.

Definately not an excuse but it may have added to what happened. i've bein in the ops position and did the same thing, although my best friend and his gf were split. Drink does inhibit peoples common sense and people let their morals slip alot faster.

No he's not, he cheated with his BEST FRIENDS gf, you don't betray someone you "care" for like that.

bull, a stupid mistake is just that and many people make them. Myself, my bestfriend, his ex who he's back with and my gf who was my gf at the time are all great mates again have put the whole incident behind us and moved on. I still love him like a brother even though i majorly ****ed him and my gf over.

He understood what it was and got over it and I still regard him as my best friend in the world. there are tons of people who have cheated on their partner who still love them. Stupidity happens, I know I've did it.

To be very blunt you cheated on him with his best friend so you're already a bad person. If you don't want to be an absolute... (i won't say what) and sink even lower, then tell him.

You've both behaved appallingly. If you have any ounce of respect for your boyfriend, then break up with him, or at the very least tell him the truth.

It in no way makes her a bad person, it makes her a person who did something really, really, really stupid. yes it was appaling behaviour and her bf may never forgive her but that still doesn't make her a bad person. Everyone makes mistakes in life, just some people make bigger ones than others. No one has went through life without 1 major mistake and this is hers.

OP, you can never keep this a secret. Out of respect for your bf and if you really do care for him you need to tell him. You need to be 100% honest and deal with the consequences.

He may never ever speak to you again, he may forgive you or it may take awhile but you need to tell him for his sake. He may be angry and even hate you for what you did. but he will at least have some respect for you for being honest. What if you don't tell him and it happens again?

You also need to think long and hard about why it happened, it wasn't only the drink. There was obviously an attraction there or some kind of feelings that needed an excuse to come out and they did.

You need to think about a, how you really feel about your bf. b,how you really feel about the lad you cheated with. If you have any more than friend feelings with b than you need to be honest, take whats coming your way and leave this lad alone.

If you decide you love your bf than all you can do is hope he understands but do not under any circumstances try and get back with him if you have feelings for his mate. When you tell him all you can do is take the deserved anger on the chin, and pray he can get over this and forgive you. The guilt and anger never ever goes away but it is something ye can't work past.

good luck op, If you do love your partner i hope ye can get past this and that one day he forgives you.

fungun

maybe im old school, but when im very happy in a reln id never cheat no matter how drunk i am. But when i have been in a reln where sth is wrong but im still in it, i have cheated when very drunk, even though i hate the thought of it.

I guess the point is.....are there underlying issues why you cheated? do you feel your reln is lacking excitement? do you not get enough sex? do you feel that you will miss out if you are with this guy for the rest of your life? (since u are 21 and have been together 5 years) do you feel that you would kind of like to 'see whats out there' before you settle down?

if you really are 100% happy in a reln, do not like cheating, and still cheat when drunk with someone you really have no attraction with....then id try to cut back on drinking.

tinkerbell

OP, either you are just in complete denial over how this happened or else you genuinely don't have feelings for your boyfriend's best friend and the best friend has feelings for you. Otherwise there is no way that it would have happened. Alcohol just removes your inhibitions, that's all.

The drink did not make this happen - either you both did or else one of you did.

And out of respect for your boyfriend, you need to tell him. Think of your boyfriend in this situation - he's being made a fool of, not knowing that his girlfriend and best friend were fooling around together.

fghijkl

she's not asking people to decide whether she's a bad person

I'm asking would I be a bad person if i continued on like nothing happened

terrible gf wrote: »

refrain from insinuating I am a whore, thanks. Obviously I'm not the most wholesome person, but I'm far from a whore.

eh i didn't insinuate you were a whore

yeah i'm gonna bite my tongue and leave this thread now

Starokan

horrible situation for you op. yes it is your fault but i sympathise with how bad you are feeling.

the way i see it is, your young and when we are young we make mistakes and thats what this seems to be a mistake. Personally i see no value in you telling your bf about this. It will just create a whole world of unnecessary flak for you all.

I think the big question here is what will happen the next time you are alone with his friend. You will have got away with being together once, you are at an age where drinking heavy and partying hard is the norm and when inhibitions lower with alcohol things happen.

what i would say to you is right now you feel guilty and distraught over what you did. if you truly believe its a one off and you truly believe you wish to stay with your bf for the forseeable future then let this die.

Just dont be one of those people who suddenly find out its easy to cheat on someone you love and therefore do it again and again. That would not be cool and he would not deserve to be treated like that.

Mighty_Mouse

He would 100% break up with me if he knew, and he'd likely never speak to his friend again either. They have been friends for sixteen years

Wait a minute!
You made a mistake. People aren't perfect & make mistakes all the time.
I know this is quite a major one but at the same time; don't ruin your life over this.

You're not in love with the best friend. You clearly love your bf.
Bury this. Never mention it again and learn from it.
There was a moment before ye kissed which was also cheating.
Ye flirted in the build-up. There was something that made you respond to his advances. Do not let this type of situation re-occur.

Telling your bf achieves nothing.
It's not as if you wish to leave him, or point out major flaws in the relationship etc etc
It was simply a mistake. Telling him is just a way for you to un-load your guilt.
Same applies to his BF. Suck it up. Handle the guilt. Talk to the friend. Agree what happened was weird & not something that was "waiting to happen".

greengiant09

i think you should tell the truth to him. you made a big mistake and he deserves to know. i did something similar to a mate.....very stupid and highly regretable. looking back now it thought me some valuable lessons. i don't regret the truth coming out now because i would hate to be still hiding it today. who knows, you may someday marry him and that story may get leaked out. it will be a lot worse coming out later on then now.

even if he breaks up with you, it's not the worst story i've heard. it's not like you had sex. it certainly would be a hell of a lot worse if he ever finds out from someone else....your credibility would be in ruins....and there would certainly be no 2nd chances ever

Piglet85

I don't condone what you did for one second, OP, but you've had more than enough judgement for now.

Look, you deserve to feel guilty, and you clearly do. If you genuinely believe that there is nothing between you and this guy, and you never let anything like this happen again, then I think you should say nothing. I don't think I could do it, as I know the guilt would eat me up, but if you can live with it then let that be your punishment and leave your poor boyfriend out of it. You and his friend have already fcuked him over once, but losing two of the most important relationships in his life is certainly not going to help him any. In this case, I think it may be kinder to say nothing, live with the guilt and refrain from breaking his heart.

I say that with the proviso, though, that if you ever so much as come close to cheating on him again, then you should end the relationship immediately. Humans make mistake sometimes, but more than once is not a mistake. So make a pact with yourself that you'll never let anything like this happen again, and if it does let him go, as he doesn't deserve anything less than someone who is devoted to him only. But if you really believe you've learned your lesson, then keep schtum.

fungun

one quick point: if you do not tell your bf, and he stays friends with his "best friend", then you will be worried every time they go out drinking together in case the friend lets it slip drunkenly, or if they have an argument and it comes out.....and at that stage there may have been years of 'not telling' which just makes the betrayal worse in your bfs eyes.

You cannot live your life like that. And if you are 100% sure he would break up over it, you cannot keep a secret like that when it has a decent chance of being exposed. I think you have to tell him.

gypsy_rose

I'm going to have to agree with the poster above, you could just not tell him and hope you and the best friend just forget about it, but bear in mind that you could be on tenderhooks a lot worrying about whether the friend eventually confided in someone else about it, or you could get really, really drunk and tell someone. Stuff like this has a habit of coming out one way or another,trust me.

LegacyUser

Agree with most posters above. The friend obviously does not care for your bf given what he has done. And even if I was very very drunk I would still never think of doing anything to hurt my bf.

LegacyUser

suz89 wrote: »

The friend obviously does not care for your bf given what he has done. And even if I was very very drunk I would still never think of doing anything to hurt my bf.

I don't think that's true, his friend cares for him despite what he has done. And I love him very much despite what I have done. That's absolutely brilliant for you that you would never hurt your boyfriend.

Thank you everyone who offered advice, especially those who did so objectively and without too much judgement. I've decided to say it to him, and hope for the best. If he decides to end it, I'll obviously have to respect that and spend the next while kicking myself for messing it up.

I honestly have no idea if his friend has feelings for me, I never thought he did, but I certainly don't have them for him. He's a really great guy, we get on great, but I truly love my boyfriend. As I said, I don't remember how it happened, but the more I think about the more I think I'm the one of the two who was least likely to initiate it

One last thing: If he's going to break up with me anyway, and I'm pretty positive he will, I wonder if it would be better if I took the blame? If I said I came on to the friend, if I initiated it all it might soften the blow somehow. If I take the blame at least he won't lose his friend as well? He might be angry at him but at least he'd probably forgive him at some point? This isn't me trying to play the hero, it's me trying to make things a little easier for my boyfriend. After five years and then this crap, I think he deserves it.

I'm absolutely kicking myself here, I have no idea why I did it. I've been around guys drunk before, and even this particular guy, and I've never ever cheated.

I am a friend

If you are sure it will never happen again then don't tell him..

greengiant09

tell him and tell him the full truth....don't try to bend the truth or anything. he's likely to question you intensely about this and if you start twisting the truth, i think he'll sense it. stick to the truth

let him handle it his way.....i'd have an awful lot more respect for a person if they told me this up front. i'd have nothing but disgust if they never told me and it came out later. i think he will appreciate your honesty when the dust settles.....and you will be able to retrieve some sort of respect for yourself.

S23

These threads seem to pop up every once in a while and you get the people on either side of the divide in opinion

You get from one side : you clearly love him and are so sorry and it was just a mistake because you were drunk. Don't tell him because there is no point. It will break up your realtionship if you do so forget about it and move on.

I'm on the other side of the fence OP.

I don't buy that bulls**t for a second. It's callow and gutless behaviour. Your actions have consequences. If you tell him and he doesn't want to be with you anymore then he's more than entitled to it. If he doesn't want to be friends with his 'best friend' then he's more than entitled to that. He's allowed make choices based on your actions.

You're very keen to say you're not hiding behind being drunk but then blaming the alcohol entirely. Bottom line is if you can't behave yourself when you're drunk then don't drink. Drink is never, ever an excuse for cheating in my book. However it may be in your boyfriends but he's entitled to make that decision himself.

You're not doing him any favours not mentioning this to him no matter how much you try and convince yourself that you are. Forget all this 'taking the blame' bulls**t too. As the above poster said tell him the truth. The full truth. No excuse. No twisting. And let him make up his mind based on the facts of what happend

It's really very simple. In any relationship both partners deserve honesty from their OH. Lying, and a lie of omission is still a lie, about cheating on him shows him no respect for a second time hot on the heels of cheating on him.

Bottom line is I don't believe that any relationship should be maintained because of a lie. If the only reason your boyfriend ends up staying with you is because you lie/don't tell him about your behaviour that is completely unfair on him. The only people gaining from your boyfriend not finding out are you and this other guy.

Your boyfriend deserves to know the truth rather than continuing a relationship with someone who he thinks is/was faithful to him but has actually cheated on him with his best mate and then lied about it.

It's really not rocket science.

Little Acorn

terrible gf wrote: »

I don't think that's true, his friend cares for him despite what he has done. And I love him very much despite what I have done. That's absolutely brilliant for you that you would never hurt your boyfriend.

Thank you everyone who offered advice, especially those who did so objectively and without too much judgement. I've decided to say it to him, and hope for the best. If he decides to end it, I'll obviously have to respect that and spend the next while kicking myself for messing it up.

I honestly have no idea if his friend has feelings for me, I never thought he did, but I certainly don't have them for him. He's a really great guy, we get on great, but I truly love my boyfriend. As I said, I don't remember how it happened, but the more I think about the more I think I'm the one of the two who was least likely to initiate it

One last thing: If he's going to break up with me anyway, and I'm pretty positive he will, I wonder if it would be better if I took the blame? If I said I came on to the friend, if I initiated it all it might soften the blow somehow. If I take the blame at least he won't lose his friend as well? He might be angry at him but at least he'd probably forgive him at some point? This isn't me trying to play the hero, it's me trying to make things a little easier for my boyfriend. After five years and then this crap, I think he deserves it.

I'm absolutely kicking myself here, I have no idea why I did it. I've been around guys drunk before, and even this particular guy, and I've never ever cheated.

I think you are making the right decision in telling your boyfriend about what happened.
It might be tempting to say nothing, in the belief that it will never happen again, and in the belief that it would cause too much heartbreak and upset over something which you see as a one off mistake that will never happen again, but I strongly believe that it is best to just tell the truth.
Because I can pretty much guarantee that it would come out eventually anyways.
It could be months or even years down the line, but eventually either you or his best friend would crack.
The relationship could never get back to normal if you had a constant wave of guilt every single time you looked at your boyfriend in the knowledge of what you were hiding from him. Your behavior would change towards him, and the relationship would become broken and unhealthy fairly quickly.
I also actually think that his best friend could even crack before you.
He is best friends with the guy for 16 years, it is bound to come out at some stage whether he spills all to your friend in a drunken surge of guilt, or whether he lets it slip to a mutual friend of your boyfriend just to get it of his chest.
It would be 100 times worse if it came from someone other than you.
Then it would definitely be unforgivable, but you might have some hope of a second chance if you are honest and come clean.

I would not cover for his friend or take the lion's share of blame, especially as you think that it is most likely that his friend initiated it.
You both did something wrong, so it shouldn't just be you taking most of the blame.
Your boyfriend has a right to know how his best friend behaved too.
Out of interest have you told the best friend that you are confessing everything to your boyfriend?
You might want to let him know, so that he doesn't worsen things by starting trying to deny it if confronted by your boyfriend.
I would also be wary that the friend might try to put the entire blame on you, make sure to get your side of the story told.

You mentioned that you didn't have sex, but that there was a bit of drunken "groping" involved.
I might leave that bit out when telling the boyfriend.
I would leave it at telling him that you both kissed.
That's going to piss him off and hurt him enough, I don't think he needs any other images added into his head.
If you had sex I would say tell him, but I don't see the point of adding in the groping description seeing as it didn't end up in any sexual act like intercourse, oral, or other.

I think you are being brave and doing the right thing in telling him.
It shouldn't have happened in the first place, but you know that already and there are many who would say nothing and string their partner along with lies.
You will just have to accept whatever consequences occur once it's all out.
If he chooses to leave you, don't beg for a second chance just respect his decision and let him move on with his life.
If he chooses to forgive you, then I think your friendship with the other guy may have to come to an end, or at the very least change drastically.
Like I don't think it would be appropriate if ye are both forgiven, for this guy to still be calling around to your house even as a friend, or for the two of ye to be drinking alcohol in each other's company.
Even if nothing is ever going to happen again, I feel it would be asking too much of your boyfriend to feel comfortable with ye two[you and his best friend] retaining your regular friendship after what has happened.
Your boyfriend might feel different, but imo it would be too hurtful and disrespectful and basically too weird/uncomfortable for you and his best f to remain close friends after that.

Let us know how it works out or if you need some more advice/help dealing with the aftermath.

Mighty_Mouse

I've decided to say it to him, and hope for the best.

Seriously, wait a little longer. The potential blow-out from this confession is massive: This confession will ruin 3 people's lives, split social circles, cast yourself as a whore (whether you like it or not), ..................etc etc
Wait until you can consider this objectively.

Why tell him? The kiss meant nothing. You will wreck your relationship or at least introduce an element of distrust into it.
What if your bf becomes a jealous man? Will you leave him for jealously or accept him being so is your fault?
What if you bf decides to cheat down the road? Can you logically break-up with him or do ye call it quits. You have more to lose than gain from this.

It meant nothing. Draw a line under it. Learn your lessons & move on.
If it happens to come out down the road. It will be long in the past & you can explain your reasons then for not telling him immediately.

Personally, I wouldn't want to know.

People make mistakes. The guilt is the consequences of this.
This preachy self-righeous morality bs being spouted by the vast majority of posters here is nonsense.

SwdDub

jaysus i've seen it all now. i only landed in here on the off chance so i don't know if theres a lot of posting like it in other topics but theres some mad stuff here altogether

i'd ignore the previous post altogether now for a start. you're being told to keep your mouth shut because of the blow out. very chickeny in my book. if theres a blow out then thats your own fault. actions have consequences. hiding from them by telling lies or keeping secrets is nearly but not quite as bad as cheating on him in the first place. are you going to be a person who hides from their responsibity all their life? anytime you do something hurtful or harmful you just going to sweep it under the carpet and hope no one fins out?

all this reverse psychology stuf is rubbish too. yeah you'll bring an element of distrust into your relationship. theres a reason for that and its because you cant be trusted. you cheated simple as that. all this idea of turning it around on your boyfriend is nonsense!!!!! what if he becomes jealous? what if he cheat?!! ridiculous stuff. projecting all this onto a boyfriend who does nothing is cowardly.

its very very clear that you are sorry for what happend and you know it was a mistake. lying to your boyfriend isnt going to make that mistake go away. youd just be adding more betrayl onto the cheating in the first place. you know what the right thing to do in this situation is. its not the easy thing but it is the right thing and i hope you can do it

this is the only part of the post i agree with

You have more to lose than gain from this.

that advice is all about protecting you despite you being in the wrong and your boyfriend having done nothing. it will hurt him enough that you cheated. probably hurt a bit more because it was with his best friend. but it will hurt many,many times more if it comes out in the wash in 6 or 12 months time as these things have a habit of doing. he'll be the idiot whos girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend and he was kept in the dark for months afterwards.

feeling guilty isn't the only consequence to actions. its not enough to say to yousrelf that you feel bad about it so that makes it even.

preachy self-righteous morality bs!!!!!

wow thats amazing. so she should cheat on her boyfriend then lie to him about it so there is no fall out for herself. possibly maintain the relationship based on a lie. live that lie and hope he never finds out and if he does find out hope that enough time has passed from the event that it wont make a difference.

preachy self-righteous morality bs seems to fall under the category of taking responsibilty for what you done, acting like an adult, not hiding away from the fall out of your actions and not lying to your boyfriend.

if thats preachy self-rigtheous morality then give me that any day over all this cloak and dagger lying cheating keeping secretsand trying to save their own skin despite being completely in the wrong and the boyfriend having done nothing wrong.

if everyone acted in that completely selfish a way the world would be an awful place. but i guess i'll be seen as preachy and self rigtheous by some now!

Forever Hopeful

OP, put it behind you. A week, month, year later its not going to matter (as long as it doesn't happen again). People do silly things, its what makes us human. I'd invite anyone to raise their hand who has never done something like this. I certainly can't. I randomly kissed a guy on a girlie holiday when I was madly in love with my bf at home. Why, I was trollied... that's what you do when you are young. You are only in your early twenties, you're not married or have children.
I don't tolerate infidelity and it is one of the worst things you can do in a committed relationship but you didn't sleep with the guy. I'm tellin ya, years down the line, you'll have forgotten it ever happened.

MagicMarker

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

OP, put it behind you. A week, month, year later its not going to matter (as long as it doesn't happen again). People do silly things, its what makes us human. I'd invite anyone to raise their hand who has never done something like this. I certainly can't. I randomly kissed a guy on a girlie holiday when I was madly in love with my bf at home. Why, I was trollied... that's what you do when you are young. You are only in your early twenties, you're not married or have children.
I don't tolerate infidelity and it is one of the worst things you can do in a committed relationship but you didn't sleep with the guy. I'm tellin ya, years down the line, you'll have forgotten it ever happened.

Err... *raises hand*

Just because you can't control yourself, doesn't mean others can't.

S23

MagicMarker wrote: »

Err... *raises hand*

Just because you can't control yourself, doesn't mean others can't.

I'm sure there will be dozens upon dozens more hands raised aloft too. " I've done it myself so therefore everyone else does it and its okay" doesn't really pass muster as an excuse. There are plenty of people who never cheated on their OH. There are plenty of people who can manage to have a few drinks/get drunk and, amazingly enough!, not cheat on their OH.

I don't really get the attitude at all. Everyone does it? And no one mentions it afterwards? So it's all okay?

So everyone cheats on their OH. And everyone lies about it afterwards to their OH and keeps them in the dark like a total f**king mug? Really? This is the behaviour people are advocating?

It beggars belief it really does. Could it be that the people advocating keeping her lip zipped and pretending it never happend are the ones who have done it themselves before so see it as okay? And us self righteous :rolleyes: ones who advocate honesty and fidelity within a relationship are the ones who haven't cheated and used getting drunk as an excuse to cheat so can't quite fathom where the other half are coming from.

I don't feel sorry for your actions OP but I must admit all the conflicting advice you have on here can't be making it easy for you to get your head around what you think is right. I'd imagine that it will ultimately come down to what kind a person you are deep down rather than anything anyone writes on here.

Forever Hopeful

MagicMarker wrote: »

Err... *raises hand*

Just because you can't control yourself, doesn't mean others can't.

Mature


I am not justifying anything. I am just saying that when you are young, you tend to do silly things.
The OP clearly knows she did a terrible thing and is here seeking advice on the best approach to deal with this. Making her feel worse really isn't helping the situation.

LegacyUser

People do silly things, its what makes us human. I'd invite anyone to raise their hand who has never done something like this.

Also raises hand.

Yeah making mistakes makes us human.
But admitting we're at fault and trying to do our best to rectify the situation makes us decent human beings. (in this case rectifying the mistake by telling her bf the TRUTH)
Sweeping it under the carpet and hiding one mistake with another by lying makes us sly, self serving and callous human beings.

By your logic you can do anything you want cheat, steal, lie, hurt, etc etc but sure it doesn't matter as long as no one will find out. That attitude makes us no better than animals tbh.

I am just saying that when you are young, you tend to do silly things.

I randomly kissed a guy on a girlie holiday when I was madly in love with my bf at home. Why, I was trollied... that's what you do when you are young. You are only in your early twenties, you're not married or have children.

It's not what i did when i was young.
Why does "being young" suddenly mean you don't have to take any responsibility for your actions?
Alcohol doesn't make anyone do anything, if someone stabbed someone because they were "trollied" would you put that down to "the alcohols fault" too?
If the intent is there to do something, it's there regardless of how much alcohol you've consumed.

The OP clearly knows she did a terrible thing and is here seeking advice on the best approach to deal with this.

Well surely the blindingly obvious answer is to make amends for the terrible wrong doing she has done no? i.e tell her bf. It's basic human decency. If she needs to come on an internet forum to be told this then i despair.....

You have hit on a one good point though, this guy is obviously not the guy the OP is going to marry and have kids with so she really should find some balls tell him the truth and walk away and let him find the woman who will treat him the way he deserves.

I'm tellin ya, years down the line, you'll have forgotten it ever happened.

If she does it only serves to show how little her bf's feelings really mean to her tbh

MagicMarker

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

I am not justifying anything. I am just saying that when you are young, you tend to do silly things.
The OP clearly knows she did a terrible thing and is here seeking advice on the best approach to deal with this. Making her feel worse really isn't helping the situation.

That's exactly what you are doing, and it is also not helping the situation.

LegacyUser

terrible gf wrote: »

I'm not deflecting responsibility, i know it's my fault, im not using alcohol to make excuses, but there's nothing deeper to this than the fact that we were both drunk. I have no romantic feelings for his friend at all.

Well if alcohol has such a profound affect on your judgement/actions to make you kiss a guy you don't have any romantic feelings for who's your bfs best friend how the hell can you say there's no way in hell this will ever happen again?

LegacyUser

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

OP, put it behind you. A week, month, year later its not going to matter (as long as it doesn't happen again). People do silly things, its what makes us human. I'd invite anyone to raise their hand who has never done something like this. I certainly can't. I randomly kissed a guy on a girlie holiday when I was madly in love with my bf at home. Why, I was trollied... that's what you do when you are young. You are only in your early twenties, you're not married or have children.
I don't tolerate infidelity and it is one of the worst things you can do in a committed relationship but you didn't sleep with the guy. I'm tellin ya, years down the line, you'll have forgotten it ever happened.

Your situation was very different, you kissed some random guy, possibly in a foreign country(?) who your boyfriend never met and never would meet.
She kissed her boyfriends best friend who is best friends with her boyfriend for sixteen years.
She is guilty. The best friend is guilty.
They all see each other daily. The truth will come out eventually and it's best that it comes from her.

Forever Hopeful

MagicMarker wrote: »

That's exactly what you are doing, and it is also not helping the situation.

We'll just have to agree to disagree. At the end of the day, the OP knows the right thing to do. She has to live with her actions and decisions. Easy for us to admonish her here.
Going back on topic. OP, do what you feel is right for yourself. If a friend came to you with this issue how would you advise them? Let that be your guide.

Persiancowboy

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

OP, put it behind you. A week, month, year later its not going to matter (as long as it doesn't happen again). People do silly things, its what makes us human. I'd invite anyone to raise their hand who has never done something like this. I certainly can't. I randomly kissed a guy on a girlie holiday when I was madly in love with my bf at home. Why, I was trollied... that's what you do when you are young. You are only in your early twenties, you're not married or have children.
I don't tolerate infidelity and it is one of the worst things you can do in a committed relationship but you didn't sleep with the guy. I'm tellin ya, years down the line, you'll have forgotten it ever happened.

Op.....see above advice and please follow it. I have rarely read such a load of judgemental nonsense as I have in most of the replies that have been posted here. Apparently we are in the midst of a bunch of infallibles who have never put a foot wrong in their life.

You made a mistake and you feel very guilty about it.
However, ask yourself one question: do you see a future with your boyfriend? If "yes" then do not utter a word to him about what happened.

Put what happened down to living and being human. It doesn't mean it will happen again and, in fact, it's more likely than not it will never be repeated as you have learnt a hard lesson.

There is far too much to lose by making an unnecessary admission to your other half about this unfortunate episode.

Ickle Magoo

Persiancowboy, it is for the OP to decide what to make of the advice on offer. Flaming &/or ridiculing other posters and their advice is not unhelpful to the OP. Please be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks

King of Kings

don't tell him OP.

The only positive outcome of telling him that some self righteous folk you asked for advise will sleep easier at night.

What possible positivity will come of it?
Hew'll hate you. He'll hate his pal. For what?

Only you can justify to yourself if it was a moment of maddness (they do happen) or something deeper?

If you feel that bad about it - end it but don't tell him the real reason why.
It'll help nobody.

Ickle Magoo

King of Kings infracted for failing to heed mod warning.

It is possible to offer conflicting advice without having to resort to petty insults and mocking of other posters and their advice.

Please take the time to read the [URL="http http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter and abide by them.

King of Kings

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

King of Kings infracted for failing to heed mod warning.

It is possible to offer conflicting advice without having to resort to petty insults and mocking of other posters and their advice.

Please take the time to read the [URL="http http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter and abide by them.

but it was a good point though

Ickle Magoo

As per the forum chater, if you have an issue with a mod or moderator action, please take it to PM. Posting on thread is considered off-topic and unhelpful and can result in an infraction/ban.

Mighty_Mouse

are you going to be a person who hides from their responsibity all their life?

Nonsense. Life is too complex to constantly hold yourself to some socially-imposed morality test.
None of us get through life without mistakes.
None of us are whiter than white?

Every single person in here has done something somewhere which would be frowned upon by their friends & peers if made public

The trick in life is to learn from your mistakes. Develop as a person into the ideals you have for yourself. Work towards perfecting the things you hold dear.
The idiotic thing is to tear your whole life down around you because of some super-imposed fairy-land ideal where every relationship is movie magic, and "true love" strikes like an unshakable fiercely burning bolt of lightening.


It's irrational bs.
You're young
You made a mistake.
You deeply regret it.
If this relationship is your life. Then hold onto like crazy.
Don't let it go lightly because finding it again won't come easy.

LegacyUser

The idiotic thing is to tear your whole life down around you because of some super-imposed fairy-land ideal where every relationship is movie magic, and "true love" strikes like an unshakable fiercely burning bolt of lightening.

If you consider fidelity, trust and respect in a relationship as a "fairy-land ideal" then i pity you tbh.

If this relationship is your life. Then hold onto like crazy.
Don't let it go lightly because finding it again won't come easy.

She let it go the second she kissed and groped her bf's best friend. All she'll has left to hold onto if she doesn't come clean is an unhealthy sham of a relationship built on lies and dishonesty.

The trick in life is to learn from your mistakes.

The only way anyone can learn from their mistakes is to own up to them and take responsibility for them

Life is too complex to constantly hold yourself to some socially-imposed morality test

hmm, fidelity is a social imposed morality test is it? Funny i thought it was the basic building block of a healthy loving relationship....

Carter12

SwdDub wrote: »

jaysus i've seen it all now. i only landed in here on the off chance so i don't know if theres a lot of posting like it in other topics but theres some mad stuff here altogether

i'd ignore the previous post altogether now for a start. you're being told to keep your mouth shut because of the blow out. very chickeny in my book. if theres a blow out then thats your own fault. actions have consequences. hiding from them by telling lies or keeping secrets is nearly but not quite as bad as cheating on him in the first place. are you going to be a person who hides from their responsibity all their life? anytime you do something hurtful or harmful you just going to sweep it under the carpet and hope no one fins out?

all this reverse psychology stuf is rubbish too. yeah you'll bring an element of distrust into your relationship. theres a reason for that and its because you cant be trusted. you cheated simple as that. all this idea of turning it around on your boyfriend is nonsense!!!!! what if he becomes jealous? what if he cheat?!! ridiculous stuff. projecting all this onto a boyfriend who does nothing is cowardly.

its very very clear that you are sorry for what happend and you know it was a mistake. lying to your boyfriend isnt going to make that mistake go away. youd just be adding more betrayl onto the cheating in the first place. you know what the right thing to do in this situation is. its not the easy thing but it is the right thing and i hope you can do it

this is the only part of the post i agree with



that advice is all about protecting you despite you being in the wrong and your boyfriend having done nothing. it will hurt him enough that you cheated. probably hurt a bit more because it was with his best friend. but it will hurt many,many times more if it comes out in the wash in 6 or 12 months time as these things have a habit of doing. he'll be the idiot whos girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend and he was kept in the dark for months afterwards.

feeling guilty isn't the only consequence to actions. its not enough to say to yousrelf that you feel bad about it so that makes it even.

preachy self-righteous morality bs!!!!!

wow thats amazing. so she should cheat on her boyfriend then lie to him about it so there is no fall out for herself. possibly maintain the relationship based on a lie. live that lie and hope he never finds out and if he does find out hope that enough time has passed from the event that it wont make a difference.

preachy self-righteous morality bs seems to fall under the category of taking responsibilty for what you done, acting like an adult, not hiding away from the fall out of your actions and not lying to your boyfriend.

if thats preachy self-rigtheous morality then give me that any day over all this cloak and dagger lying cheating keeping secretsand trying to save their own skin despite being completely in the wrong and the boyfriend having done nothing wrong.

if everyone acted in that completely selfish a way the world would be an awful place. but i guess i'll be seen as preachy and self rigtheous by some now!

Ah come on......... give the girl a break, if she didnt feel so bad about it, she wouldnt be on here posting, and we would all be none the wiser.

She is going to tell her BF, that takes some guts if you ask me, and she is owning up to her mistake.

Thank God im not perfect

OP, let us know how you get on. Hope its all sorted out x

SwdDub

honestly lol some people only see what suits them on here. did you miss the part where i said

its very very clear that you are sorry for what happend and you know it was a mistake. lying to your boyfriend isnt going to make that mistake go away. youd just be adding more betrayl onto the cheating in the first place. you know what the right thing to do in this situation is. its not the easy thing but it is the right thing and i hope you can do it

i wasnt being hard on here in the slightest. if i wanted to be a dickhead and be nasty for the sake of it i could have. no point in that though because she already knows what she did was wrong.

i was just giving her my opinion on what other people have been advising on here. i think shes making a bad situation worse by lying deciving and basing a rlationship on secrets and lies when there is no need.

im not preaching im not self righteous i just think people should show each other basic respect within a relationship and lying and decieving just to cover your own misdeeds doesnt count as that in my book.

personally i think the poster knows the right thing to do and i was just offering some moral support in following through on what she seems to already know is right.

anyway ill leave that as my last post here id just end up banging my head against a wall with people who dont understand the basic parts of a relationship if i stuck around

adios people

Wompa1

If you lie to him then you are just helping his friend out which sucks since he's guilty of betrayal too. Would you be ok knowing your boyfriend who you claim to love didn't know the truth, that his 'best friend' is a snake in the grass?

You should try to stop drinking, it obviously doesn't suit you and also you don't cheat on someone you genuinely love no matter what the circumstances IMO Plus your wording of your posts seems more self indulged than caring for anybody else. You are going to be kicking yourself?...how about completely devastated at losing the best thing in your life?...maybe I'm being too pedantic and over analytical but I smell a rat!

Mighty_Mouse

She let it go the second she kissed and groped her bf's best friend. All she'll has left to hold onto if she doesn't come clean is an unhealthy sham of a relationship built on lies and dishonesty.

A little perspective here.
It was a drunken kiss on a couch which both parties deeply regret.

It wasn't something that was building previously.
She didn't have an affair.
She is going to ruin 5 years of healthy love for 50 seconds of drunken madness which she regrets and will never happen again.

If I was the bf I wouldn't want to know.

I just cannot belive the reaction of posters in here.

fidelity is a social imposed morality test is it? Funny i thought it was the basic building block of a healthy loving relationship....

We're one biological step from monkeys. DNA programmed to procreate.
Yes fidelity is an important part of any relationship but her infraction was minor.
Not everyone gets it perfect.

The question for the BF is can he trust the op to be there for him as a partner in life?
I reckon he could.

If she truly regrets what happened. If she insists that it will never happend again. If it truly was just a moment of drunken madness. The count it as a mistake. Bury it and move on.