My 5 year relationship is falling apart.. any advice greatly appreciated...

LegacyUser

Firstly - Apologies for this being so long but I felt I couldn’t simplify it any further as it wouldn’t give you the entire picture and I feel it’s important I tell you a balanced story. I'm looking for some advice folks, I am hoping someone has been in a similar situation / known someone in a similar situation, or just can give me their views or ideas on how to deal with this....

So I've been with my man for over 5 years and I love him to death. We haven't spoken in 4 days because we have had another one of our arguments. This is a fairly regular occurrence. We will have some petty argument and then he won’t speak to me for days. Every single time I have been the first to make a move and contact him after one of these arguments, I have called and pleaded with him, even though it eats away at my self confidence, self respect and makes me feel like sh*t.

The content of our arguments is never serious. We usually argue over some petty things, to give you an example - the most recent argument - Sunday. We travelled to my home town for my fathers 60th birthday in the a.m., my family all went out for a lovely meal, paid for by my family, we went for drinks after - neither myself or the boyfriend were drinking as we both had to head back to the city that night, as we had work the next day. Anyway - the meal was at 2pm, drinks after at about 4 - he then tells me that we absolutely must leave 'in the next hour' to get home as he needs to listen to the soccer on the radio for the car journey. I see my folks once every 6 weeks or so, im not spending 3 hours with my dad for his birthday (we live about 1 hour 20 minutes away from my home town) I had wanted to leave them at about 8 or 9 and still be home for a fairly reasonable hour. Anyway I told him that there was no way we were leaving between 4 and 5 and that was it.

He didn’t speak to me nor any of my family for the next 2 hours (keep in mind my family paid for dinner and all our non alcoholic drinks) he sat there like a spoilt brat for 2 hours staring into space, ignoring everyone until I couldn't take it any more and told him we could leave so he could listen to the soccer. Said goodbye to my family after spending only 4 hours with them and went off in the car. He didn’t say one word to me the whole hour down in the car and just dropped me at my house (we don’t live together). I asked him if he was ok and if he wanted a few days... he said 'yeah whatever I don’t care' like he always does and told me to get out as he had to get home. I text him about 2 hours later (not wanting a fight, I never do) and told him that I was hoping he'd say no when I asked him if he wants a few days off, I told him to just have a good think, I told him that I wouldn’t contact him, I’d leave him contact me first and I told him that I would be upset until I heard from him. Got no text back and its now Thursday and I still haven’t heard a peep from him.

Now - if this was a once off then I wouldn’t be so worried but what kills me is that this stuff happens every couple of months. If I have an issue with him, like if he does something to annoy me or if I disagree with him then im almost afraid to say it to him because he can’t stand up like a man and talk it out...he is gone at the first sign of an argument.. He walks out the door and I won’t hear from him for a day or two until I finally give up and ring him or text him first. Usually I'm devastated for those few days without him and by day 2 I am just desperate for him again so I’ll go begging like a fool, I hate myself for it. Anyway about two months ago something similar had happened and afterwards I told him that if he ever ran off on me again that it would be the last time and he would never ever hear from me again. SO HERE WE ARE!!!! He’s doing it again, Im like is this happening. Am I a fool?

I'll give you a bit of background on him. He is amazing, he is gorgeous, loyal, faithful absolutely goes gogogaga over babies and puppies and kittens, loves nothing more that sitting in with me watching a movie, cuddling on the couch, he often talks about our future together, travelling etc. Has lots of friends, my family and friends adore him and he never has a bad word to say about anyone. If anything he is slightly removed from reality and lives in a little bubble all by himself. I trust him 100% and he is my best friend. Its just this crappy issue of him not being able to deal with reality - I feel like he thinks that relationships should not have drama. He thinks that we aren’t normal because we argue. It doesn’t happen a whole lot, like we'll have our tiny arguments over what to watch on TV, but when it comes to real life things, he can’t handle it and runs off like a child. Then I’m left really really miserable for days on end until I make the move. Above I mentioned his good points. His bad ones are this horrible childish attitude to our relationship - over the 5 years, he's never once really gotten me a present for my birthday, valentines or anniversaries...when I met him, I was the most romantic person in the world, I fell head over heels in love with him and then I noticed he was a bit crap with the presents giving (our first xmas - I had lots of pressies for him all wrapped up in little colourful packages and he gave me socks and face wipes in a Tesco bag) but that was ok, I decided I just had to lower my standards which I did, now I don’t really expect anything for xmas, valentines or anniversaries and I’m OK with that, but my birthday, each year I hope for something special from him... last year I got a little candle and this year I got an egg shaped thing with a little paint set and socks and face wipes again.

Now - in saying all that he is not a cheapskate... the laptop im typing this on was a gift from him. He won a sum of money before and got this for me as I didn’t have one. He helps me out financially as im back in college (a mutual decision, I’d go back and better myself, he would help out financially) - I work 2 part time jobs and do my best to get myself by, then every so often I need him to give me 50 quid to make my rent, or a tenner here and there to buy food. This is a constant issue with him. He throws it back in my face every time he's in a bad mood, even though when I was talking about going to college full time he thought it was a great idea and promised to look after me. When I finish I will be earning the big bucks and will repay the monies, I also own a house in my home town and one day this will be his house too.

I still very much do my bit working as much as I can but still need his help. Anyway none of this is really the issue - the big one is what the hell do I do about this horrible childish attitude. After I told him that the next time he does it will be the last - he still does it anyway...I think he lacks empathy and feelings for others, he cares very little about seeing me upset - ever. When we make up he's all sorry and apologies and never doing it again etc and I tell him how much it hurts and not to do it again, but he will - and he'll do it over and over. I don’t see it ever ending. Am I being the selfish one? Should I just keep my mouth shut - after all he is a nice guy and he’s got all these great qualities. What kills me is that he is 30 years of age and I feel like if he hasn’t changed by now then will he ever really change? I can’t see myself with anybody else but then I don’t want to feel like a doormat for the rest of my life. If we have kids together, which we both really want – can I trust him not to run off like this again at the first sign of trouble. I really am at my wits end. Has anybody else been in this situation before? What was the outcome? Please help me…

I understand that people out there dont see this as a real problem, that is why I cant really talk to my friends about it, some of them have had horrible relationships before, or been the victim of an affair... but it is a serious issue for me. I want him to see that its ok to sit down and thrash it out. I want this man to be my husband and father of my kids but I just cant trust him enough not to run off on me in the future. Do I contact him again and ask him to sort it out or do I just give him a taste of his own medicine? Any reply would be very helpful....

Miss Fluff

Talking To The Wall wrote: »

He walks out the door and I won’t hear from him for a day or two until I finally give up and ring him or text him first. Usually I'm devastated for those few days without him and by day 2 I am just desperate for him again so I’ll go begging like a fool, I hate myself for it. Anyway about two months ago something similar had happened and afterwards I told him that if he ever ran off on me again that it would be the last time and he would never ever hear from me again. SO HERE WE ARE!!!! He’s doing it again, Im like is this happening. Am I a fool?

He's doing to again because he knows you'll come running after him begging him not to leave you. Why would he bother apologising? (That's if he is in the wrong in the first place).

Maybe next time don't go running. Are you prepared for the prospect that he mightn't actually want to make it up with you though? Is that something you're actually prepared for?

On another note, after five years and considering ye are both 30 has the talk of moving in together not yet come up?

The Princess Bride

Hi OP

One important point.It doesn't matter whether or not other people have problems less or more important- this is an issue for you and that's what matters right here right now.
It does seem like he has maturity problems,I feel sad for you that you had to leave so early into your dad's party- and for a soccer commentary of all things.
The only advice I'm going to give is to try-and it won't be easy - not to be the first to make contact on this occasion.Maybe he has become used to you always saying sorry first,and expects everything to be swept under carpet this time as before.
He may have some good points, but he's going to leave you with some serious self esteem issues if this relationship continues down this path.
Best of luck, put yourself first, only you can walk in your shoes.

shellyboo

Wow, he's acting like a spoiled toddler. Though, you're pandering to him like a spoiled toddler. Giving in to his childish demands, letting him get his way, trying to bargain with him, then running after him in the end up.

If you don't want to break up with him (I would -- the inability to have an adult disagreement without sulking plus the tendency to throw the money issues in your face would have had me walking, tbh) then you need to change the way you deal with him.

You can't control his behaviour, but you can control yours. If he wants to sit and ignore everyone, let him. Enjoy your Dad's party. Act like nothing is wrong on the way back. If he has a problem, let him say it to you. He'll soon huff his way out of his huff if you don't acknowledge it -- believe me, I used to be a huffer too!

As for this "do you need a few days" thing. Er, why? You did nothing wrong, it was him who sulked. Leave him off and let him blow off the steam. If you'd said nothing he probably would have forgotten it the next morning!

Basically, stop pussyfooting around his precious temper. Do what you damn well please. He'll evenutally see that huffing, sulking and the silent treatment doesn't have you on eggshells, worrying about him and the relationship and will (hopefully) stop using that as a way to control you. He might even learn to use his words instead like a big boy

Whynotme

Wait for him to contact you. Stand your ground and make him earn your trust and respect. Every time you give in he knows he will get away with acting like a spoilt brat.

This behaviour is passive aggressive. Without actually doing anything, apart from sulk, he is getting his own way. Believe me it will get worse if you don't make a stand. He is making you feel guilty for something he has done.:rolleyes:

Maybe you need time apart for him to come to his senses, for you to be used to not having him around. A bit of space, maybe go home to your family for a night or something. You are independent so you don't need his approval to spend time with family. Maybe next time leave him at home, that way you won't be worrying about him storming or kicking off.

Otis Driftwood

Thread from PI merged.

OP,there is no need to post the same thing in more than one forum.

Regards,
OD.

LegacyUser

Firstly thanks for the replies - My post actually came up twice as I had originally posted it in the main personal issues forum and it didnt show up after a couple of hours so I thought I needed to repost it here. Mods feel free to remove the other one.

I'm just devastated. I feel now I have to be prepared to never hear from him as I am adamant to not make contact first. I just feel I have let all respect for myself disappear and I'm not willing to call him up again. I have told him a million times that when he does this to me it leaves me depressed for days. Once I actually had to go to the doc, I was in such a state she prescribed me anti depressants, referred me to a psychiatrist and gave me a number of a counselor. I filled the prescription but never took the anti-depressants - instead they sit on my bedside drawer as a constant reminder of how bad things got. I'm a lot stronger now than I was back then. I also canceled my appointment with the psychiatrist.

In reply to the moving in situation - I have often brought this subject up with him but he was living at home at the time and said he wanted to live with friends first as he had never lived in his home city with friends so he moved in with them almost a year ago.. We decided not to move in together until I finish college and now to be honest I'm glad because if this sh*t was going on and we lived together - I would be left on my own at times like this. At least now I've got my housemates keeping me company.

I truly hate him for what he has done especially this time. He knows that I wasnt working all month because of exams, he knows i'll have no money, he knows I know limited amount of people in this city (i moved here for him) and its almost the weekend - all my housemates are away for the weekend and I'm dreading the long dark weekend without him. I think this is where I may crack and try to call him. I hate him right now, he promised to look after me and he lets me down time and time again. I have played with the idea that he may be a sociopath. Aren't they those folk that just have no feelings.

I love the guy so much I find it hard to think of how I would get by without him. I may sound pitiful and painful but I assure you I'm actually quiet fiesty and have no problem standing up for myself but this guy really is my weakness. I feel heaps better.. sometimes I doubt myself and think I'm being pretty selfish so I just had to type it all out in front of me and get some outsider opinions. I assure you that everything I have written is the truth, I wasnt witholding anything to make it sound like I'm the victim. I am completely open to criticism. I do think people find it odd we dont live together. I am certainly having my doubts now.

I just feel he has always had his way. He worked abroad for 8 months in this relationship, he left twice while unemployed to go visit friends in USA for 3 months each time. I've given him all the freedom and time in the world. I've had enough and I need a lot more than sorry's and promises at this stage...

Thanks guys.. keep it coming....

Starokan

sorry your going through such a bad time.he is behaving like a spoilt idiot. i think you need to retake some control in this relationship and as others posters have said do not contact him.

I have no doubt he is fully aware of how much it effects you when he breaks contact and he is totally using this to manipulate you. So simply do not let him, wait till he makes contact and if he doesnt as awfully hard as it will be you will survive.

If this is how he reacts to a small disagreement what would happen if there is a major crisis in your life.

he is the one with the problem not you but you are the problem in that you are running back to him all the time and letting him get his own way. Change this behaviour and you will change the relationship.

And by the way ignoring your family the way he did is pitiful , it shows a total lack of respect.

MissFlitworth

If I were you'd I'd call my mam or dad and ask them to loan me the bus fare home, hop on a bus and head off for the weekend to them. I would be spitting angry if my boyfriend acted like that at my Dad's sixtieth I would be raging angry with him. Seriously, instead of being devestated that he fcuked off in a sulk with you why aren't you angry? He's treating you & your family like you don't matter, or at least that you matter less than listening to football on the radio.

Personally I would turn up at his home, rip strips off him for acting like an asshole, and then head off back to your parents or to some friends. It might give him a fright if he sees you angry with him instead of heartbroken that he's stopped talking to you. I'd also leave my phone behind in case the temptation to call and grovel gets too much

I think someone has already said it but you can't change how he behaves, you can only change how you react to it. If you continuously fight, then sit in for the weekend feeling like cr4p and eventually call him and make up then that's the pattern you're going to be stuck in forever. And fcuk that!!

gypsy_rose

OP, before I was even half way through your post I had this thought, and now I've read through everything on the page, have it more strongly than ever: You are way too good for him.

I know it's a cliche etc. but if things really are as you have described, I'd stick by this opinion. Who the hell does he think he is, making you leave your family early like that, especially when it was so important to you? And not bothering his hole to buy you nice presents after all the effort you go into for him, after five years?!

His behaviour is totally unacceptable, I wouldn't expect it off a young lad in his twenties ,nevermind a man his age. Couples fight, yes, and sometimes one is so annoyed that they storm off, but honestly, sometimes you just take it in turns to go after the other and say "I'm sorry", then they say they're sorry if they did something wrong too and you make up and work it out. You deserve better than this OP, and the fact that you had no problem with him going off travelling, not moving in with you etc. shows how mature and easy going you are, and that you're willing to put your needs second sometimes to make your partner happy.

He does not deserve you, I don't care if he can be the sweetest, funniest guy in the world, this behaviour is totally unacceptable, and I guarantee you that if you break up with him you'll find someone to treat you a lot better. It will hurt for a while but it's for the best, who wants to marry a big baby like him?

In a relationship you should be as concerned about your partners needs as much as your own, but it's just all about him, and if everything you've said is correct, I sincerely doubt he'll change. Has he ever broken up with you or tried to break up with you OP?

Sorry for the long rant but I felt very strongly about this. Dump him, OP!

LegacyUser

gypsy_rose wrote: »

Has he ever broken up with you or tried to break up with you OP?

No - he has never actually broken up with me, its just these childish rants that leaves us hanging in mid air for a few days. What kills me is that I know in my heart that if I called up to his house to rant and tell him its over then I know his response would be something like 'meh, whatever' and I just don't want to hear it. He's just so laid back. I know that he'd probably regret it in the future, I know that he loves me but he just has no way of showing it.

I should have also added that I am his first ever girlfriend. He had loads of women before me, but never ended up going out with any of them. He has no clue what a real relationship is like, he has nothing to compare me to. I know I'm a good catch but he just cant see it and I know he will never see it because he is so wrapped up in his little happy bubble..

johnr1

[QUOTE=shellyboo;72435891
Though, you're pandering to him like a spoiled toddler. Giving in to his childish demands, letting him get his way, trying to bargain with him, then running after him in the end up.


You can't control his behaviour, but you can control yours.

He'll soon huff his way out of his huff if you don't acknowledge it

If you'd said nothing he probably would have forgotten it the next morning!

Basically, stop pussyfooting around his precious temper. Do what you damn well please. He'll evenutally see that huffing, sulking and the silent treatment doesn't have you on eggshells.

Whynotme wrote: »

This behaviour is passive aggressive. Without actually doing anything, apart from sulk, he is getting his own way. Believe me it will get worse if you don't make a stand. He is making you feel guilty for something he has done.

Starokan wrote: »

I have no doubt he is fully aware of how much it effects you when he breaks contact and he is totally using this to manipulate you. So simply do not let him, wait till he makes contact and if he doesnt as awfully hard as it will be you will survive.

If this is how he reacts to a small disagreement what would happen if there is a major crisis in your life.

he is the one with the problem not you but you are the problem in that you are running back to him all the time and letting him get his own way. Change this behaviour and you will change the relationship.

And by the way ignoring your family the way he did is pitiful , it shows a total lack of respect.

Talking To The Wall wrote: »

I should have also added that I am his first ever girlfriend. He had loads of women before me, but never ended up going out with any of them. He has no clue what a real relationship is like, he has nothing to compare me to. I know I'm a good catch but he just cant see it and I know he will never see it because he is so wrapped up in his little happy bubble..

OP, you have all the analysis you need in the above posts. They are all spot on.

Your own one is interesting -quite a few people of both sexes carry on with this crap in early relationships, and usually grow out of it before 30, but there are people who need to "be trained" so to speak. I had an ex who taught me a lot by the way she ignored my crap till I learned that it didnt get the desired reaction and copped on. I have huge respect for her to this day for it.

Dont treat it so seriously and when he's mellowing out few comments like "are you over your huff ?" said with a smile will make him feel childish for having gone off on one.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

He's now dead to me. A mutual friend just informed me they were just out drinking together in the pub. Nice to know he's having a great old time of it while I sat in crying most of the night. Thanks for the help folks. You are all good people.

gypsy_rose

I am so, so sorry to hear that OP, it really is the worst pain and you just don't know what to do with yourself. It's hard to see things objectively when you're in so deep, but trust me, in a while you are going to look back and thank your lucky stars that you dumped this gob****e and found someone else.

Even if you don't find someone special anytime soon at least you'll be rid of all the agro and hassle of this person and be able to do things without worrying about the childish backlash from him.

Chin up OP, I know you'll be fine, you sound like a very smart and together woman to me.

neveah

I really feel for you OP because I know exactly what you are going through, my ex boyfriend sounds exactly like your current boyfriend. He used to do the exact same things to me and I used to be so upset. I can't tell you the amount of times that I was at home crying while he went out on the piss with the lads. He did whatever he wanted regardless of my feelings. He went out at least twice a week with his friends and there were times I'd beg him to stay in with me and he still wouldn't, it was like if I asked him not to he was even more determined to go out. He was completely self absorbed and self centred, it's impossible to have a happy relationship with someone like that because they can't love anyone more than themselves. I was also with him for 5 years and I was his first long term girlfriend.

Do your family really like him? Have you ever got any vibes that they don't? One thing I remember from my relationship was that my friends and family didn't like the way my ex was treating me, they ended up not liking him at all but I couldn't see it, love is blind and all that but looking back they were trying to warn me off him for ages and in the end they were delighted when we broke up.

He totally took me for granted, he treated me like a doormat, if I lay down he would have walked over me and wiped his feet on me! I was always the one running back to him, afraid of losing him! :rolleyes: I still can't believe I was like this. He had me so sucked in and he would always make me feel like I was the one in the wrong, he was a master manipulator, but I blame myself as well because I was weak and pathetic and I let that a**hole treat me the way he did. Do not make the same mistakes I did! Be strong, don't give in, you know you are worth more than that. From past behaviours he probably knows you will go running back to him so don't do it. Stand your ground. It will be soooooo hard I know because there were so many times I couldn't do it myself but it's like this and I know from experience, if you keep giving in it will never ever change.

The way I look at things now (now that I can look back on my past relationship outside of the fuzzy bubble I used to live in) I would rather be single forever than be with someone who treated me like that again.

Miss Fluff

While I know you're devastated take some comfort in the fact that in the history of your entire relationship (albeit that it's over) you are now finally in control. No more begging. No more pleading. No more f8cking about with your own mental health. Time to work on your self esteem and surround yourself with family and friends right now methinks.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

There are men out there that would never dream of getting on with things as usual while their partner is in turmoil - remember that. xx

Really tho? I always considered myself extremely lucky that I could 100% say that he'd never cheat on me, that he would be an amazing father and that he would never talk bad of me. Arent these things extremely important? Is there a such thing as perfection - where the guy ticks all of these boxes AND likes to sit around talking like an adult. Is there such a thing?

Emme

Talking To The Wall wrote: »

I should have also added that I am his first ever girlfriend. He had loads of women before me, but never ended up going out with any of them. He has no clue what a real relationship is like, he has nothing to compare me to. I know I'm a good catch but he just cant see it and I know he will never see it because he is so wrapped up in his little happy bubble..

His behaviour is childish, callous and manipulative. Why stay with him when you know he doesn't appreciate you? Don't waste any more of your life with him. You are in the prime of your life, get out there and find somebody who appreciates you.

The last thing you want to do is wake up at 35 and find that things with the current guy haven't changed or more likely, you're working even harder to keep the relationship going.

Get out now while your stock is high.

Ickle Magoo

Talking To The Wall wrote: »

Really tho? I always considered myself extremely lucky that I could 100% say that he'd never cheat on me, that he would be an amazing father and that he would never talk bad of me. Arent these things extremely important? Is there a such thing as perfection - where the guy ticks all of these boxes AND likes to sit around talking like an adult. Is there such a thing?

I hate to burst your bubble but I would be of the opinion that guys who are generally good partners - and who don't sulk and demand you come crawling to them every time are very much of the majority....in other words, the kind of guys who treat their partners the way your partner treats you is in no way perfect, a good thing, or even standard.

Do yourself a big favour and find out how much better single life is than breaking your heart over a guy who doesn't give a monkeys about you.

All the best.

gypsy_rose

Talking To The Wall wrote: »

Really tho? I always considered myself extremely lucky that I could 100% say that he'd never cheat on me, that he would be an amazing father and that he would never talk bad of me. Arent these things extremely important? Is there a such thing as perfection - where the guy ticks all of these boxes AND likes to sit around talking like an adult. Is there such a thing?

Yes, those things are very important, but it's also important that he treat you like an equal, be conscious of your feelings as you are so very obviously conscious of his, and respect you as a person and not just something to mess with. By letting him go you're going to gain respect and pride in yourself, which other people will sense and appreciate. Take control of things again and feel the pleasure of having your dignity back

Curry Addict

conflict resolution is your joint issue.

you need to discuss strategy for conflict resolution with him. problems and conflicts arise regularly in relationships. its important that ye both have a method for resolving these issues so both of ye can be satisfied and not get upset.

his curret method causes you distress and resentment.
your current method makes him sulk.

neither are healthy.

to resolve conflicts ye need to talk plainly without emotion, evaluate the situation from both sides and both come to an agreement on an appropriate solution that you are both happy with.

Babooshka

Curry Addict wrote: »

conflict resolution is your joint issue.

you need to discuss strategy for conflict resolution with him. problems and conflicts arise regularly in relationships. its important that ye both have a method for resolving these issues so both of ye can be satisfied and not get upset.

his curret method causes you distress and resentment.
your current method makes him sulk.

neither are healthy.

to resolve conflicts ye need to talk plainly without emotion, evaluate the situation from both sides and both come to an agreement on an appropriate solution that you are both happy with.

Ah, but that is if you're talking about two reasonably mature people in a relationship and not someone who throws sulky hissy fits cos he wants to stomp off and listen to the football...NOW!! It's not about her "making" him sulk, it's about him being a child in a man's body.

Sorry but I'd be outta there, you're better off without lady.

(Completely off topic... but I love curry too, so no offence to disagreeing with you )

Chinafoot

Talking To The Wall wrote: »

Really tho? I always considered myself extremely lucky that I could 100% say that he'd never cheat on me, that he would be an amazing father and that he would never talk bad of me. Arent these things extremely important? Is there a such thing as perfection - where the guy ticks all of these boxes AND likes to sit around talking like an adult. Is there such a thing?

Nobody can say with 100% certainty what someone will or won't do. There is absolutely no way to know. Having said that, is your self-esteem so low that you think you need to cling on to such a disrespectful man because you know he won't cheat? I don't consider myself lucky that my boyfriend doesn't cheat on me, I consider that to be part of our relationship. We have a monogamous relationship where being with other people is not part of the deal, I'm assuming you have the same? Why on earth would you overlook such horrible traits in him just because he remains faithful to you?

As another poster pointed out, you have ansolutely no way to know that he'll be a great father. Cooing over babies and puppies does not mean he's automatically going to be an amazing dad. Having kids is seriously hard work and there will be conflicts between parent and child and also between the parents themselves. You need to be a team in your child-rearing and, from what you've said, I don't see how that would be possible with this man.

As for him never talking bad of you..well if you prize that more than him treating you with respect thats your choice. Personally I think you're selling yourself short in a major way and you need to work on your own self-esteem here.

Something you said earlier has also really stood out for me. He's 30 years of age and only moved out of his mother's house last year. It sounds to me like this guy doesn't want to grow up. He's moved in with his mates at almost 30 years of age despite having a girlfriend of 4 years at the time? Is he trying to cling on to his youth or something? You also said that the house you own will also be his house. You need to be so, so careful here. This is a man who is disrespectful, childish, spiteful and who generally doesn't give a toss about you or your relationship. If you go crawling back here and he does eventually agree to move into your house you stand to lose a lot should things go awry. Be careful.

OP, I get the impression you pretty much have your whole future mapped out with this bloke and no amount of crap from him will throw you off. I have no doubts that you will contact him again and chase him to talk to you. The cycle will continue and you will stay unhappy. Only you can change this. He's 30 years of age and is not likely to change now. Sure why would he when he can treat you like crap and you keep coming back for more? For me, I would never let any man disrespect my family the way your boyfriend did. If my partner carried on like that he would have been told to leave right there and then and to never contact me again. What he did was absolutely disgusting and you should ask yourself why you are willing to allow yourself and your family be treated in such a manner.

Have you considered seeing the therapist your doctor recommended?

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all your replies. Day 5 and its only getting harder. I appreciate the effort you have gone to to give your input. A mutual friend of myself and the boyfriend is also on here and thinks I should absolutely follow the advice you've given me.

Off to work now, catch you all laters xxxxx

Neyite

Talking To The Wall wrote: »

Really tho? I always considered myself extremely lucky that I could 100% say that he'd never cheat on me, that he would be an amazing father and that he would never talk bad of me. Arent these things extremely important?

These things are important, but more importantly, not as rare in a man as you seem to think.

Talking To The Wall wrote: »

Is there a such thing as perfection - where the guy ticks all of these boxes AND likes to sit around talking like an adult. Is there such a thing?

Absolutely there is. And for every week, month, year you spend with this ass is time you could be spending with someone who adores you.

Right now, not co-habiting, no joint finances, no kids, is the easiest part of any relationship. If you guys are having trouble now, you havent a hope once the big stuff hits and you need to talk it through.

LegacyUser

Talking To The Wall wrote: »

A mutual friend of myself and the boyfriend is also on here and thinks I should absolutely follow the advice you've given me.

I am the mutual friend mentioned. I grew up with OP's boyfriend and would consider myself one of his best friends. I have known the OP for the past 5 years and have become good friends with her also. I have decided to post here as I think it'd help to give the facts from another person's point of view.

Ok first off the boyfriend. He's a top bloke. He's a lot of fun, he's very positive, he's generous, he's funny and is always up for doing things. In fact I would say he's the sort of guy that any fella would be delighted to have as a friend. I don't know of anybody who doesn't like him and he seems to get on with everybody.

There's only a few things that annoy me about him. Firstly he is positive to a fault. I have never really seen him get depressed even when bad stuff has happened to him. It's almost as if he's inside this bubble of positivity. A lot of people actually refer to him as being 'away with the fairies'. As a result of this sometimes people take advantage of him and instead of standing up for himself he'll just laugh it off. Also at times where he should be legitimately worried about things he is instead blase and as a result probably takes silly risks.
As a result of his positive nature he always thinks that everything is 'good enough'. As a result of this it's very easy for him to end up in a rut that other people wouldn't be happy to be in as he's just constantly looking at the upside.
Another thing that's always bugged me about him is that he's not the most reliable person in the world. Like he might say that he'll do something only to change his mind just before it happens. To his credit I don't think he does this as much as he used do when he was younger.

Finally he has a strange concentration span. He literally can only do one thing at a time. So if he's watching the tv then it's practically impossible to have a conversation with him. He basically focuses all of his concentration on whatever it is that he is currently doing. It might sound like a small thing but it gets on your nerves after a while. I've lost count of the times that I've been thinking that I'm having a conversation with him only for him to turn around with a kinda startled look on his face to say 'What was that?'

Ok next the OP. We've known each other since she started seeing my friend and we've always got on. I would say that we have a close platonic relationship-much like a brother and sister. We've told a lot to each other that we wouldn't tell other people. She's a good person. She's very friendly and outgoing-the sort of person who you wouldn't worry about bringing to a party as you know she'd be able to chat to anyone there and not be in the corner wanting to go home. She can come across as quite ditzy at times as she's invariably in a disorganised mess of her own making. She is a very caring person and her family is very important to her although I know that she does not get to see them as often as she wants. The group of friends that I grew up with is mostly lads and she is the one girlfirend who has integrated into the group so much so that she'll happily hang around with us without her boyfriend there.

As she mentioned herself a couple of years ago she made the decision to go back and do a degree. She's now half way through that degree and when she qualifies she should be in the fortunate position of entering the workforce in a field that is lucrative, highly skilled and in short supply. However between now and then she is going to have a ridiculously hard time financially as she has a mortgage and living expenses to pay off whilst working 2 part-time jobs and being a full-time student. Just to give you a measure of the type of selfless person she is she also volunteers for 4 hours every week-end for a charity and has been doing so every week for the past 2 years.

I would also have to say that she is often an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes she'll be happy and as high as a kite whereas other times she's nervous, paranoid and anxious. Basically it's not a rare sight to see her at one extreme or the other of the emotional spectrum.

The relationship:

From the outside: It looks really good. They first and foremost have a good friendship. They spend a lot of time together and are able to laugh a lot together. They have the same quirky sense of humour and they like doing a lot of the same things. Neither of them are very superficial and so even though they've never had a lot of money it's never been a big issue before as they are both happy enough with the simple pleasures in life. I have rarely seen them fight openly but it has happened in front of other friends when I've not been there.

From his perspective: No idea. He never talks about it. He's not the sort of guy who's into discussing emotional issues. He's basically a light hearted guy who doesn't like deep conversations. If I want to go for a run or talk poker then he's the first guy I'd get on to but if I want to discuss personal issues then he really wouldn't be appropriate. In the past when he and the OP have fought I have tried to broach the subject but he made it clear that he didn't want to talk about it. I think it's important to mention that he's parents split up when he was quite young and I've never heard him discuss this either. I asked him about it once and he told me the bare facts but didn't tell me how he felt about it or anything.

From her perspective: Basically what she's told you in this thread so far. I've been hearing her wistfully complain about him like this for years. I have never seen this side of him but I believe her when she tells me about it. Actually now that I think of it I remember when we were 18 or something I had an argument with him about what night club we were going to and he got in a huff and left me in a queue on my own. I can only assume that it is that kind of behaviour which he comes out with.


Just a few other things that may or may not be relevant. OP is 3 years younger than her boyfriend. Also they are both above average in the looks department. A bi-product of this is that OP gets a lot of male attention but her boyfriend never gets one bit jealous. Now jealousy is an awful thing but she has said herself that it would be nice if he were a little bit jealous. An amazing example of this is that 4 years ago OP went on a holiday to Thailand with some guy that she worked with. Everyone was asking the boyfriend was he not jealous or anything but his attitude was 'Nah it's cool-I trust her". In contrast on the few occasions where women have shown interest in him the OP has got very jealous.


Finally I'd like to say that I asked OP to start this thread. I've used this forum myself before and after years of this cyclic behaviour within her relationship I wanted to get some outside advice. I feel like I am in between a rock and a hard place-a lose lose situation really. I don't want to advise the OP to dump my friend but if I am to believe everything that she has told me I ask how can she have any self respect if she doesn't. I hope that they can resolve their issues but realise that he needs to change his ways.

I think the advice on not getting on to him is spot on and is the only course of action if this cycle is to be broken. My friend needs to grow up but I can't tell him. OP has more power than she realises but is unwilling/does not know how to wield it.

Chinafoot wrote: »

OP, I get the impression you pretty much have your whole future mapped out with this bloke and no amount of crap from him will throw you off. I have no doubts that you will contact him again and chase him to talk to you.

Sadly, this is also my opinion. I will post here again to confirm if that happens.

Ickle Magoo

I've deleted the post by mutualfriend.

A) Because we have no way of verifying who they are

and

Anything they have to say should be being said to their friend.

This is an advice forum for the OP, it is really not appropriate for those claiming to know the OP to take it upon themselves to fill in the blanks as they see fit.

Many thanks

LegacyUser

neveah wrote: »

Do your family really like him? Have you ever got any vibes that they don't? One thing I remember from my relationship was that my friends and family didn't like the way my ex was treating me, they ended up not liking him at all but I couldn't see it, love is blind and all that but looking back they were trying to warn me off him for ages and in the end they were delighted when we broke up.

.

+1

My sister broke up with her partner a few months back. Not one person had said they didn't like him while they were going out. Since they've broken up, everyone has said that they didn't like him.

My boyfriend told me that his parents were relieved when he broke up with his last girlfriend. When he was with her, his parents never said a word against her.

Your family and friends would never tell you outright that they don't like your partner when you're still with him. You can be certain that they're all wondering what you're doing with him though! You're thinking he must be good enough for you because he doesn't cheat on you or speak ill of you, but as others have rightly said these things are a given in a normal healthy relationship. Pointing out these supposed 'attributes' is like pointing out that someone is really good at breathing, or blinking!!!

Go home to your parents this weekend, and do exactly what your boyfriend is doing-go out and enjoy yourself. He is not your world. Your life won't end just because he's not in it

Emme

OP, it's important that you stay strong over the weekend and don't contact him because he'll probably be expecting you to call him. DON'T. Go out with friends, meet your family do ANYTHING other than contact him.

Good luck.

dan_d

OP, I got - well, a lot - of advice over the years from a few great women in my life regarding relationships.(Im a woman, btw!) And so far, they've been solid (if somewhat old-fashioned) pieces of advice. Two of them come to mind when I read your post.

Don't ever go for a man who doesn't call when he says he will and doesn't show up when he says he will. In other words, stay away from men who consistently let you down. You say in your second or third post that he keeps letting you down. Alarm bells.

Never go for a man who is mean ie, stingy. Yeah, he's dropped you a bit of money here and there, but he keeps bringing it up again. Well if he really cared, giving you that money would mean nothing to him - he'd be doing it out of the goodness of his heart and it would not be brought up again.Especially not during an argument.

Look, the guy sounds great on the surface. But he sounds like he has an extremely vindictive, selfish streak in him. And you're right, at the age of 30 he is unlikely to change. If he makes you this miserable, this often, I'm pretty sure you should be getting out of it. Unfortunately, you're enabling his behaviour because it's making you so miserable that you give in. And he knows he has that power over you.

I found this quote out there in the inter-web...I like it.
"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, thats her...

(I'm lucky enough to have found that guy...we have our ups and downs but we deal with them and come out the other side..)
There are other men out there OP.Better men. Men who won't make you so unhappy. Best of luck.

Pandora2

dan_d wrote: »

I found this quote out there in the inter-web...I like it.
"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, thats her...

Amen to that!! I too found my Prince Charming...at 42!! They're out there girls truly

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I've deleted the post by mutualfriend.

A) Because we have no way of verifying who they are

and

Anything they have to say should be being said to their friend.

This is an advice forum for the OP, it is really not appropriate for those claiming to know the OP to take it upon themselves to fill in the blanks as they see fit.

Many thanks

Ickle Magoo / Mod - Is there any chance of allowing my friends post to be reposted? 'Mutual Friend' emailed me the post that had to be deleted, if anything it helps to create the bigger picture - showing us both in good and bad lights from a friend that knows us both very very well. I can confirm his authenticity...

In response to those that say I should go out with my friends tonight - the sad part of this is that they are all gone off to the life festival. I had to wave them all off this morning.. These are the ones I would usually go out with at the weekend. The rest of my friends would be my boyfriends friends so yeah...

Anyone else staying put tonight? Any recommendations for TV watching? At the risk of sounding like a drama queen - this could potentially be the toughest night of my life... I am absolutely determined however not to contact him. However, I am feeling a little brighter than yesterday. Thanks boarders...

PostHack

Just wanted to make one point that I don't think has been mentioned yet.

I find it very strange that give the amount of time you've been together, and your ages, that you're not living together. If and when that time comes than I can guarantee it will be a thousand times more difficult than it is now.

Speaking as a guy, I hound it very hard to adjust to living with my OH, and I'm not half as selfish as your OH . You don't know someone until you've lived with them, and for a substantial amount of time. It took me/us years to really get to know each other once we moved in together. It's still difficult, given our differing attitudes towards tidiness, for one example! Then there's financial decisions, being around each other constantly etc.

The point I'm trying to make is; do you really see a future, when you haven't even really moved out of "dating" mode yet??

Just my view....

LegacyUser

PostHack wrote: »

I find it very strange that give the amount of time you've been together, and your ages, that you're not living together.

I never really saw this as an issue - where as I know lots of my friends do.

Thanks mods for putting that back up!

up for anything

Talking To The Wall wrote: »

He's now dead to me. A mutual friend just informed me they were just out drinking together in the pub. Nice to know he's having a great old time of it while I sat in crying most of the night. Thanks for the help folks. You are all good people.

mutualfriend wrote: »

I would also have to say that she is often an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes she'll be happy and as high as a kite whereas other times she's nervous, paranoid and anxious. Basically it's not a rare sight to see her at one extreme or the other of the emotional spectrum.

OP, you remind me of myself years ago. He seems to be holding all the cards and you are wallowing in self-pity blaming him for all the wrongs in your relationship and taking no responsibility for your own shortcomings. To me your posts read like something I would expect from a teenager and not an adult woman of 30 odd.

If mutualfriend is really a mutualfriend than what he has written about you should worry you. It is very difficult being with someone whose personality chops and changes all the time.

My advice would be to take a bit of time apart - I realise that apart from the emotional side that will be difficult for you especially financially but I'm sure you could arrange to borrow from family rather than him. You need to take some time out to deal with your own insecurities before you have any hope of sustaining a happy and healthy relationship.

LegacyUser

up for anything wrote: »

OP, you remind me of myself years ago. He seems to be holding all the cards and you are wallowing in self-pity blaming him for all the wrongs in your relationship and taking no responsibility for your own shortcomings. To me your posts read like something I would expect from a teenager and not an adult woman of 30 odd.

If mutualfriend is really a mutualfriend than what he has written about you should worry you. It is very difficult being with someone whose personality chops and changes all the time.

My advice would be to take a bit of time apart - I realise that apart from the emotional side that will be difficult for you especially financially but I'm sure you could arrange to borrow from family rather than him. You need to take some time out to deal with your own insecurities before you have any hope of sustaining a happy and healthy relationship.

I do actually agree with you. I'm insecure. But then sometimes I'm not. Like, one day im completely dependant on boyf., the next he's heading off on holidays for 3 months and I'm cool as a breeze. I also agree with everything mutual friend has said - except for the jealousy bit. I confronted him on that part and he only had one example of where I went off one one.

Anyway, I'm not putting all the blame on bf. Thats why in my original post I made sure to show him in a good light, for what he is. We are best friends, but I like deep and meaningful conversations and he likes to brush things off. Thats where the problems starts. Every single time. With regard to the emotional rollercoaster - I'm not like that with boyf. He gets the best part of me. Mutual friend gets the fed up me.

shellyboo

Talking To The Wall wrote: »

Really tho? I always considered myself extremely lucky that I could 100% say that he'd never cheat on me, that he would be an amazing father and that he would never talk bad of me. Arent these things extremely important? Is there a such thing as perfection - where the guy ticks all of these boxes AND likes to sit around talking like an adult. Is there such a thing?

It's very telling when you measure your relationship by the crappy things your boyfriend doesn't do to you, or the good things he'll do in the future; rather than the good things he does for you NOW.


All in all, OP -- are you happy? If the answer isn't a resounding YES then you've got your answer. The right man for you will never make you anything less than happy, even when you're fighting. Someone who truly loved and valued you wouldn't allow you to suffer this way.

thecookingapple

After reading your first post I had great empathy for you.

But after reading more posts from you and from reading a peculiar input from a third party I have less empathy with you and actually have come to the conclusion that your BF is normal enough, granted he is a bit tight and he is moody but by you getting a mutual friend involved to analyse and post opinions about your relationship on a public forum it really gives me an insightful view into your personality.

I am not being mean here, I think this relationship has actually stunted your views on things, I am guessing you where 22 when you met and in these years he became your world and from then on in maybe you missed life’s little wonderful ways of teaching you the mechanisms of life and people.

He comes across as mean, but he does contribute money to you sometimes, he bought you a laptop and there is no need to mention where the money came from for this, it was a gift and should be appreciated as such.

Sitting down with his friend which I guess he knew before you and writing a profile of your Bf is actually quite staggering and shows a complete lack of respect, awareness and maturity and screams of drama queen who needs everyone involved.

In final I just think you are both wrong and more importantly wrong for each other, its time for you to live being single for awhile and to start seeing things from a different perspective. In my opinion.

LegacyUser

thecookingapple wrote: »

After reading your first post I had great empathy for you.

But after reading more posts from you and from reading a peculiar input from a third party I have less empathy with you and actually have come to the conclusion that your BF is normal enough, granted he is a bit tight and he is moody but by you getting a mutual friend involved to analyse and post opinions about your relationship on a public forum it really gives me an insightful view into your personality.

I am not being mean here, I think this relationship has actually stunted your views on things, I am guessing you where 22 when you met and in these years he became your world and from then on in maybe you missed life’s little wonderful ways of teaching you the mechanisms of life and people.

He comes across as mean, but he does contribute money to you sometimes, he bought you a laptop and there is no need to mention where the money came from for this, it was a gift and should be appreciated as such.

Sitting down with his friend which I guess he knew before you and writing a profile of your Bf is actually quite staggering and shows a complete lack of respect, awareness and maturity and screams of drama queen who needs everyone involved.

In final I just think you are both wrong and more importantly wrong for each other, its time for you to live being single for awhile and to start seeing things from a different perspective. In my opinion.

Hi, This is just to say that I wrote what I wrote independently of the OP. She didn't ask me to contribute anything.

When I originally posted it the moderator removed it as she was concerned that I didn't actually know the OP. For that reason I e-mailed it directly to the OP. She wasn't 100% happy with it but agreed that it would add to the debate and requested that the moderator re-instate it.

We certainly didn't sit down to concoct a story together as you seem to be insinuating.

shellyboo

thecookingapple wrote: »

Sitting down with his friend which I guess he knew before you and writing a profile of your Bf is actually quite staggering and shows a complete lack of respect, awareness and maturity and screams of drama queen who needs everyone involved.

If you read the friends post, it was her who asked the OP to start the thread in the first place. So the OP didn't get anyone involved who wasn't already involved.

LegacyUser

thecookingapple wrote: »

granted he is a bit tight and he is moody but by you getting a mutual friend involved to analyse and post opinions about your relationship on a public forum it really gives me an insightful view into your personality.

He comes across as mean, but he does contribute money to you sometimes, he bought you a laptop and there is no need to mention where the money came from for this, it was a gift and should be appreciated as such.
In final I just think you are both wrong and more importantly wrong for each other, its time for you to live being single for awhile and to start seeing things from a different perspective. In my opinion.[/COLOR]

I appreciate everything you have said - and as i mentioned in previous posts I am completely open to criticism. My boyfriend being mean and moody (he's not mean btw, just moody) has nothing to do with my unhappiness. It his him not being able to work through any sort of problem with me. Never once has he actually sat down and talked something through - whether it be his problem, my problem or our problem. I understand how you might think mutual friends post was peculiar, but nothing he had to say was new to me. He was the person who pointed me in the direction of the relationship forum. Mutual friend is a close friend of mine too - we met the same night I met my boyfriend and we hit it off straight away and as mentioned we told eachother stuff we wouldnt tell anybody else and I value opinions that mutual friend has given me.

Getting everyone involved? - I dont! Mutual friend is the only one that I would talk to about any problems involving boyfriend and these problems really only extend to the fact that he acts like a kid at the first sign of a problem. I would never badmouth him to anyone. And this is mainly because everyone loves boyfriend - my family included. When I first posted I made sure to give everyone the full picture - I pointed out his good points and mutual friend reinforced that. Dont think that I havent already played with the idea that I might be the one in the wrong. This is why I turn to mutual friend. I have often thought about it and I have told myself I should be happy with boyfriend as he is a wonderful guy. Outstanding. But this inability to face reality gets me and that is the main issue. We rarely fight. But every couple of months we do and it always follows the same path, he walks away and doesnt speak to me for a few days. Who wouldnt be a bit unbalanced by that after 5 and a half years.

up for anything

Talking To The Wall wrote: »

I do actually agree with you. I'm insecure. But then sometimes I'm not. Like, one day im completely dependant on boyf., the next he's heading off on holidays for 3 months and I'm cool as a breeze. I also agree with everything mutual friend has said - except for the jealousy bit. I confronted him on that part and he only had one example of where I went off one one.

Anyway, I'm not putting all the blame on bf. Thats why in my original post I made sure to show him in a good light, for what he is. We are best friends, but I like deep and meaningful conversations and he likes to brush things off. Thats where the problems starts. Every single time. With regard to the emotional rollercoaster - I'm not like that with boyf. He gets the best part of me. Mutual friend gets the fed up me.

The problem seems to lie then in the fact that you both deal with/approach life in dissimilar fashion and rather than complementing each other, you are detrimental to each other. You won't change him. That much should be obvious after so many years. He will only change if he wants to and is capable of it, the same with you. He needs someone who doesn't get upset when he behaves like that and you need someone who is more like mutualfriend.

If you try and change you will find that by the time you make yourself not care when he behaves like that that you genuinely will not care and that the relationship is over and that the years you put in teaching yourself not to care have been wasted on something that you should not have continued. I hope that makes some sort of sense to you.

LegacyUser

up for anything wrote: »

He needs someone who doesn't get upset when he behaves like that and you need someone who is more like mutualfriend.

Lil ol' matchmaker! : )

I think the relationship is very unbalanced due to the way your boyfriend reacts when there's a difference between you. Not talking to you until you practically beg him to come back is not good for the relationship, and it's certainly not good for your self esteem. Forget about the good guy status he seems to have, did you ever think that you'd end up with a man who basically expects you to grovel whenever you have a disagreement?

I think that you have a part to play in it too though. Not talking to him for days isn't mature either. Making statements like 'I'm not speaking to you' is a very hard position to come back from. If he is the good guy you say he is, well what you need to do is be the mature one. No more ultimatums. When you don't mean them (as you've shown by going back to him over and over) well then they have no effect. An ultimatum should only be issued as a very, very last resort. If my boyfriend issued me with an ultimatum over an argument, I would question whether I wanted to stay with him. If he issued me with empty ultimatums over and over (not likely, I wouldn't stay!!), I would lose all respect for him.

If I were in your position, the next time there was an argument and he went off to sulk, I would let him know that you need to talk about the argument, it's very important, I find it difficult when you shut me out etc. If he didn't respond, I would let him know that I have to look out for myself and I can't accept being shut out. Finally, if there's still no response, I'd ring him and ask to meet him in person 'to talk'. This talk could go either way, but it would depend on him bringing something to the table. If he brought nothing to the table, that would be the end of the relationship.

You've only one life missy. Why are you with someone who doesn't seem to 'fit' with you? ( same goes for him!)

thecookingapple

Its really only my opinion and only what i see, i could be wrong but i stand by it.

It was not meant as a put down to you, i hope you live a happier life soon.

Best of luck.

thecookingapple

shellyboo wrote: »

If you read the friends post, it was her who asked the OP to start the thread in the first place. So the OP didn't get anyone involved who wasn't already involved.

I did read the friends post, i am under the impression the friend is a male friend of the OP Bf?

from what you say two people are involved in a problem concerning a Bf/Gf that im sure the BF is unaware off and possibly would not be very happy about?

In my opnion you come on boards to get an overall opinion that has to do with a problem, in this case a BF/GF situation, i just happen to think its wrong that one Gf and one friend of the BF are discussing this in a very open forum, maybe its just me.

LegacyUser

thecookingapple wrote: »

I did read the friends post, i am under the impression the friend is a male friend of the OP Bf?

from what you say two people are involved in a problem concerning a Bf/Gf that im sure the BF is unaware off and possibly would not be very happy about?

I'm not sure if it was your intention to make this sound very sordid but you have done so. In the past when I have had problems in my own romantic life I have consulted my close friends. I haven't then gone back to the girl in question and said "Oh by the way I asked x y or z for advice on that argument we had last week."

thecookingapple wrote: »

In my opnion you come on boards to get an overall opinion that has to do with a problem, in this case a BF/GF situation, i just happen to think its wrong that one Gf and one friend of the BF are discussing this in a very open forum, maybe its just me.

Well firstly this isn't a very open forum, secondly we have used anonymous accounts and thirdly we haven't given any concrete details that can link this to us or the OP's boyfriend.

Clearly you have a problem with this whole scenario. I'm just not quite sure if it's that my friend is asking me for advice, whether I suggested she ask for that advice on this forum or both of these combined.

LegacyUser

I think it's more to do with the fact that you and the op are openly discussing a relationship that, let's be honest, doesn't have anything to do with you, on a public forum, completely unbeknowst to ops boyfriend. I find that a bit odd tbh.

I know if my boyfriend was on here posting about my relationship only for one of our mutual friends to come along and get involved and analyse me to a room full of strangers, I wouldn't be happy about it. Seriously, this is someone's 5 year relationship we're talking about.

To be quite honest with you, their relationship is none of your business. Although the op has asked for advice, it was very cheeky of you to come on here and give us a detailed account of him and how you see their relationship.

The fact that this thread even exists makes me wonder what type of relationship it is.

The mind boggles.

thecookingapple

First of all this is not your thread or indeed your problem second of all I don’t really know how you came to the conclusion that what I wrote could be construed as ‘’sordid’’ quite ridiculous.

The op and you have both profiled the boyfriend so it is reasonable that if he did read this thread he could come to the conclusion that it is his character being assassinated.

Also it is quite normal to discuss problems with friends, it’s certainly another thing to come to a public forum and write a detailed account of how you view your friend and his characteristics and thus his relationship.

You have practically taken over this thread and that quite frankly baffles me.

This is my opinion about the OP and her BF, I think he is the polar opposite to her and see’s things as not such a big deal and maybe lacks the strong emotions the OP obviously has, more than likely they are just not suited for each other, he maybe is not the most generous person in the world and maybe he doesn’t show the OP the attention and love that she wants, needs and probably deserves and yes by not having those actions from her BF then she probably will try and seek them from him in many ways that maybe are so alien to him that it pushes him away and he finds it irritating and unnecessary, personally I don’t think either are bad people but that they just don’t fit together.

That is my opinion and maybe I am completely wrong and if the Op felt I was she could have just ignored everything I said, it is telling though that my simple words created such a debate.

Elle Collins

Mindboggling wrote: »

I know if my boyfriend was on here posting about my relationship only for one of our mutual friends to come along and get involved and analyse me to a room full of strangers, I wouldn't be happy about it...

...To be quite honest with you, their relationship is none of your business.

+ 1

OP, it sounds to me like you and your bf would be better off without each other. He is a selfish little twerp, as Sunflower said earlier, and your tag-team internet thread with a supposedly close friend of his would be reason enough for a lot of people to walk out of a relationship, myself included.

dublingal80

Hi Op

I hope you are doing ok at the moment... here are my 2 cents

Firstly, to me, communication is the absolute KEY to a relationship. My last relationship I was with my ex for about 4 years. I thoguht we were perfect, I knew we didnt talk as much as I would have liked, but I thought it was nothing to worry about, we were best friends and I adored him, and all of a sudden, us not communicating as much as I wanted was what broke us up. He had doubts, never talked to me, never suggested to me he wasnt happy and ended it, completely out of the blue

In my current relationship, all we do is talk. We talk about everything. Yes we disagree, I think Im a little bit more stubborn with him and bull-headed and if I have an issue, i say it to him. I figure out best saying it and fixing it than it being a bigger issue down the line.. And our communication is what i love about me and him.

Do you honestly think you can life with your boyfriend while he acts like this.. What if a few more years down the line you get pregnant and you both have an arguement, is he going to leave you for a few days while he gets out of his huff.... And what if you have a child and he is off in a mood and the child gets sick and he doesnt answer your phone... What looks like 1 bad thing in your relationship will escalate into a lot more bad things as your relationship progresses..

And believe me, there are guys out there that are kind and funny and gorgeous and caring and who will respect you and want to talk to you and listen to you out there.. They arent a myth. I found myself one

StillWaters

I think it is very disloyal of you to discuss the details of your relationship in such intimate detail with your boyfriends friend, and very inappropriate of him to post here.

The lack of boundaries is startling.