Saying "Goodbye" - for now, maybe forever.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Im a regular here, but I'd prefer not to register for this.

Today I said goodbye to the woman I love so much and who loves me too.

Why, - because of my financial situation. This is extremly tenuous, I'm in danger of bankruptcy and possibly losing my home some time over the next year or two by divorce settlement (previous marriage) or repossesion, business about to close etc, its not good. I've fought the good fight and struggled on for three years now and am finally running out of road.

Anyway, six months ago I met a woman, fell in love, as did she. We are from similar backgrounds, but have had vastly different life experiences, she spent most of the last ten years working abroad in the NGO sector, while I was immersed in the world of business and construction here. However, we both felt an instant connection and we both commented that the other felt like "home". House on fire literally in every way.

Since then, some job/study worries for her plus my fin. situation have caused us to bicker over silly stuff, but the undercurrent is that she felt that I couldnt give her the stability to maybe settle and start a family, - we both want children, a home and a good life, being wealthy would'nt be a priority for either of us, never was for her, and tbh, after the sh*t I've been through these last three years, it wouldnt ever again be an aspiration of mine.

So, after a week of no contact to think, (initiated by her) I came to the conclusion last night that its not fair of me to carry on a relationship with her while I'm unable to be the guy she needs.
She had been having the same thoughts as well but still did'nt want to hear it, and cried on the phone. She said she feels that our story is not over somehow, whether it will be as friends or otherwise. We have agreed to try to be friends of some sort if thats possible with feelings which go on. Neither wants to lose the other from their lives.

So, here I am, this is my depressing story, I know I'l survive whatever awaits me, I'm very resilient and whenever I get down, it never lasts more than a day or so.

But Damm, - she was the one.

LegacyUser

If she was the one, you sure as hell wouldn't be letting her go so easily. There's very little you can change about your current financial situation, however, what about the emotional side of things? Have you told her how you feel about her? She may feel rejected by you saying "I can't be who you want me to be"(subtext: and I'm not even going to try).
What's to stop you getting married& starting a family in the future? Poor people have lives too, you know

MagicMarker

That doesn't sound like any kind of love I've heard of. Of all the reasons for breaking up a relationship, that's probably the worst I've heard, especially if ''she was the one''.

I think you should both reassess your thinking here.

gypsy_rose

Come on OP! If you really want her and are so convinced that she's the one, then you've got to try harder. I know this sounds harsh, but love isn't always easy, and sometimes you have to fight tooth and nail to keep the person you live.

My brother and his girlfriend were apart for years when he was in different countries to her, it seemed very unlikely at the start as she was in a relationship at the time, but he persisted and now they're getting married next month.

If you both want it badly enough it'll happen, you'll find a way. All the old love songs honestly have a point.

Believe in yourself, we're rooting for you

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, - and support, its heartening, however, my question is this :

Would it be fair of me to try to continue given that

I dont see myself being able to go on holiday or even a basic weekend away anytime in the forseeable.
If we had a child, I wouldnt be able to support it.
Her quality of life would be dis-improved generally by having a guy who is broke all the time, (who can barely afford food recently and diesel to get to work is a constant problem)

I feel that I'm not able to express myself,- that she's never seen me as the happy motivated, creative person I am/was before I got myself into this mess. Ironically if I hadn't been as determined to trade through the recession and pulled back from the fire earlier, I would'nt be as destroyed now.

How can I drag her into the vortex of crap I've landed in, or ask her to stand by and watch while I burn ? That's not love.

Worst of all, I could take up her childbearing years unable to be a proper provider to any children, and maybe even cause her to miss out on this.

I love her to bits but surely the right thing to do is set her free to find someone with whom she can have a better future?

I know this is coming across as martyrdom, but really, I believe you cant f**k with people's one and only life like that.

thecookingapple

There is so many contradictions in your post its riddiculous, if i met the one i considered the ''one'' financial matters or others would not get in the way of spending my life with them.

For better or worse!!! im not giving out here i just think stability comes in many forms and although finanicial is one part of it as far as i am concerned its down low on the list.

I would happily live in a two man tent in the fields of ballymun if it was with the ''one''.

Daisy M

Dammit ! wrote: »

Hi all,
but the undercurrent is that she felt that I couldnt give her the stability to maybe settle and start a family, - we both want children, a home and a good life,
But Damm, - she was the one.

Why is she expecting you to have to provide all this, does she expect to have no imput at all to the life she wants? Tbh it sounds as if she is hedging her bets and keeping you on the long finger in case someone else doesnt come along.

Miss Fluff

If she is genuinely "the One" then you would fight tooth and nail to keep her, you wouldn't be letting her go so easily.

Does she know the full extent of the financial sh1t you are in? To me it sounds like you are rock bottom and the only way is up. People bring up babies in extreme poverty with quite literally not a pot to p1ss in so I'm sure you'll manage.

You need to be totally honest about everything. Lay every card on the table rather than having telephone conversations laden with head-wrecking subtext and subterfuge. Tell her everything and then let HER make an informed decision about whether she wants to get involved with you.

I think while you may think it valiant and brave to make that decision for her I think it's quite cruel actually.

Man up and tell her where you stand!

Distorted

Sounds like a little bit of willingness to take on the victim mentality and shirk the real issues but who am I to judge? Your decision is made, if she really is the One then fate may reunite you at a stage in the future when it is meant to be, as has happened to countless other couples who have faced barriers the first time they met. Move on with your life and learn from your mistakes.

LegacyUser

I was in a relationship with a guy who was a tradesman for 5 years. He ended up in severe debt. To help him out of the hole, I took out loans to tie him over, in the hope that he would face up to the problems and devise a plan to get out of the mess.

Sadly, he never did face up to it and never paid back a cent of what he owed either. I couldnt deal with how he buried his head in the sand over the whole thing and I decided that that was not the type of person I wanted to be with.

As long as you are managing your problems everything else should be surmountable. This lady can work too surely. And once you are working, they wont be able to take every penny off you either. You have to survive too. I know bankruptcy laws are unnecessarily cruel and outdated too, I hope they will change soon.

This trouble will pass and you will be ok again. Even if it takes five years, your potential children will barely be old enough to experience it.

If you think she's the woman for you, you should fight for it.

Emme

Distorted wrote: »

Sounds like a little bit of willingness to take on the victim mentality and shirk the real issues but who am I to judge? Your decision is made, if she really is the One then fate :rolleyes: may reunite you at a stage in the future when it is meant to be, as has happened to countless other couples who have faced barriers the first time they met. Move on with your life and learn from your mistakes.

Or if the OP makes enough money to satisfy this woman's requirements. Much as he cares for her, it sounds like she's hedging her bets and only wants a serious relationship with him if he has the dosh to support her.

The only way he can find out if she genuinely cares for him is to tell her his true financial situation.

I don't believe in "fate" myself, and I don't believe there is any particular "one" either, there are many people we can be happy with depending on our location, stage of life and other circumstances.

squonk

People on the dole have no problem having kids and bringing them up. Why should you?

Look, I know if you're running your own business you're a responsible chap and have a sense of pride and responsibility. I can see why you're thinking it's not fair to pull her into your own problems but, hey, you're getting on really well and the decision is hers whether she wants to be involved once she hears the full truth.

Tell her straight out, keep her updated. If she wants to walk away, so be it but don't push her away.

Your relationship right now sounds like the best thing you have going at the moment so don't overthink it. It's a two way thing so let it be that. She's an adult too and is 100% responsible for her own life based on her own decisions. it's her call to make. Keep your head up and keep going. things won't always be so bad.

Deepwell

It sounds like you have opened up to the folks on this forum more than you have with your GF. It seems you are making decisions for both of you without proper discussion. Be open about the concerns you have expressed here with your GF and see where the conversation leads you both....

Distorted

Emme wrote: »

Or if the OP makes enough money to satisfy this woman's requirements. Much as he cares for her, it sounds like she's hedging her bets and only wants a serious relationship with him if he has the dosh to support her.

Or maybe she has more money and doesn't want to support him or the OP feels uncomfortable with her having more money than him?

Emme

Distorted wrote: »

Or maybe she has more money and doesn't want to support him or the OP feels uncomfortable with her having more money than him?

If money is such a big issue for this woman then the OP isn't the "One" for her, is he?

LegacyUser

OP no offence but you sound very typical of someone who, in your own words;

Dammit ! wrote: »

was immersed in the world of business and construction here. .

You are willing to give up a woman you consider 'the one' because you might go bankrupt?!?

Calling somebody 'the one' means (to me anyway) that they are your soul mate, your best friend, your lover.

In other words they are EVERYTHING to you, life wouldn't be the same without them.

But you have it backwards.

If the relationship is based on what you can offer each other finanically then it sounds more like a 'marraige of convience' than true, passionate, everlasting love.

LegacyUser

If you love her and she loves you then don't give eachother up because of money and financial problems.

I was dating a guy who had financial issues, I didn't find out about them til towards the end, but I didn't care about them, as far as I was concerned they were now our problems. I wan't going to hand him over the money to fix everything as the problems were his fault but I wanted to support him, I would've supported him til he found his way out, but due to other contributing issues he just pushed me away and wouldn't accept my help.

If you love her and she is "the one" money issues should be the last thing to cause a breakup!

shellyboo

If you step away from your self-pity party for a minute, you might be able to see that you're making the biggest mistake of your life.

Money doesn't matter. She is also an adult capable of making her own choices. If she wants to be with you and you want to be with her, the only thing stopping you is this melodramatic "I can't provide the life she deserves" bullshlt.

Get over yourself, OP, before you lose her altogether.

LegacyUser

Ok,
Every single reply here seems to think I'm making a huge mistake. I hope not.

Just to put to rest some of the wild fantasies of some of the posters :

1. Having lots of money is not an issue for this woman, I said that already. Being able to see her partner occasionally outside of his house and not having to buy lunch/drinks/tickets all the time is, and I consider that reasonable.

2. She does not expect to be supported by anyone else, nor do I.

3. She is fully aware of my situation.

4. We have spoken about splitting on several occasions over the last month face to face, but neither was strong enough to do it.



Sunflower, thanks, I like your positivity and hopefulness, - as always.

Shellyboo, I dont know anything about your situation in life, but the year you lose your business of 16 years, lose your home of 35, and get made bankrupt, - 12 years before thats over, then come talk to me about being melodramatic and pity parties and getting over yourself.

AsIseeit, putting "no offence" in front of a grossly offensive generalisation does not make it ok. Did the bold bad builders bully you ?
The rest of your post would have carried more weight if you had left that bit out.

To all the rest of you, thanks for posting, your opinions seem to be as one, and I will reconsider my decision, if given the opportunity.

Taltos

OP - it's clear you have thought about this an awful lot. And it is equally clear that your love for this woman is forcing you to make some tough decisions in an effort to protect her.

Personally I think it stinks. Not what you are choosing to do but life. When it throws you so many curve balls that it forces us to do the one thing we never thought we would have to do.

Can I ask some questions - no need to respond here - just think them over.
a) Do you really love her and I mean more than anything else?
b) Does she feel the same about you?
c) Are you both able to communicate 100% open and freely - with no secrets?
d) Have you told her how bad this is really going to get for you?
e) Do you want her in your life for ever?
f) Have you told her all of the above?
g) Have you asked her what she wants to do?

I don't mean to be dense here - just sometimes (ok alot for me) I like to break issues down to their simplest.

My gut feel is that if two people are so crazy about each other - they really can get past nearly anything (except for infidelity/lying). In fact when things have been their bleakest for me it was only the present of my OH that pulled me through, and hopefully I have been there for her too. I know you are doing what you are doing in an attempt to ultimately protect the woman you love - but maybe by doing this apparently self-sacrificing thing you are instead hurting the person who loves you most so much that they will never understand or forgive you for it???

I get that your relationship has been stressed - and possibly fraught with fights - maybe if you found a way to deal with that by venting your stress other ways - simple long walks or jogging - you could find a way to be together. The only way you can get this to work is to set ground rules - honest and calm communication - no bottling stuff up - no hiding bad news. Almost take it back to first dates - just spend time with each other - go for walks holding hands, just be there for each other.

Years ago I saw a family friend nearly made the choice you are faced with - only his children kept him from walking out of their marriage - things got so bad he even stole from his friends - but they stuck it out and not even 5 yrs on they had a new business and while never rich they are happy together and are now grandparents...

Look - at the end of the day - you may have lost all you have worked for - but - you can and will recover if that is what you want. So - one more - ask yourself WHY you feel you have to push away the ONE person who is there for you. The ONE person who believes in you and the ONE person who through it all will always root for you - one you are honest, loving and respectful to them.

If she isn't the ONE - then maybe this is the right choice. If she is - then maybe it is still the right choice but maybe just maybe this is the fight you are meant to be focussing on...

Wibbs

Dammit ! wrote:

Shellyboo, I dont know anything about your situation in life, but the year you lose your business of 16 years, lose your home of 35, and get made bankrupt, - 12 years before thats over, then come talk to me about being melodramatic and pity parties and getting over yourself.

I have to agree with you there D.

shellyboo wrote: »

Money doesn't matter.

Yea right. Love will conquer all. Only in fairytales. In real life it matters. In relationships beyond the "moon in june we cant bear to be apart daaahling" stage, it matters. On a day to day practical front it matters. It's one of the single most common flashpoints in long term relationships. I've seen it tear apart marriages. Certainly more than infidelity does IME.

If he can barely provide for himself at the moment, may lose his business and lose the very roof over his head, I can completely understand why he would be reticent about becoming serious with this woman. Especially if he loves her. He's thinking about her. I know, mad or what? Thinking about a practical future for someone he loves, rather than living in the romance of the "one" or of the moment. What happens if they get hitched, have kids? Yea "poor people have kids too"(jesus), but maybe he wants any potential kids he has not to have to struggle. Mad aspiration I know. Even if she could support both on a single salary(increasingly difficult these days), he may well feel like a freeloader(and she may come to resent him). I wouldn't blame him for feeling that. Stay at home dads/househusbands are undervalued by society at large, by both other men and women.

A man being able to support himself and those he loves is a very strong meme. No? Right, next time you're out with a bunch of women mates and one of them has just mentioned a new boyfriend, wait and see how quickly "what he does for a living" will be asked or mentioned. Do the equivalent with men mates. Spot the diff. For all the equality stuff men are well aware of this as background noise. I didn't say it's right. It's currently killing husbands/partners out there through suicide over financial difficulties. It's not right, but it's out there.

Don't underestimate the effect of this meme on the OP's thinking. He's being practical as he sees it, as a man. As many men in his position would.

Dammit ! I'd be looking at the practical aspects for the moment. Is there any way you can see a way to scale up your biz in the short/long term? Long shot I know, but any options of going back to full time employment? Maybe retraining. I'm guessing you're the wrong side of thirty so that may be against you, but it's a thought. On the biz front, is there any way you could use your existing biz infrastructure in a different direction? A more stable or growing direction. Have you been in touch with as many advisers as you can over handling/restructuring the current debt? Look around at what debt you can lose. Just a little bit of movement forward will help with confidence. If you can see some light at the end of the tunnel for yourself, you're more likely to see some light at the tunnel for the potential of sharing your life with this woman. sunflower27 makes some great points on this life will change score.

My 3 cents.

pickarooney

Wibbs and the OP are about the only ones looking at this as a real-life situation. This 'true love' and 'the one' crack is not something with a basis in reality. It's something that people who are no preoccupied with where their next meal is coming from can amuse themselves with. And I say that without a gram of cynicism - I've been extremely fortunate in my own life but can recognise that it can all go to **** very quickly and severe money issues will test the strongest relationship. A disagreement about kids will do the same.

The fact she asked for a week to think about it shows she's not naive and is genuinely concerned about starting a relationship which will be under enormous strain from day one. It kind of seems unfair to both of you to deny yourselves the honeymoon period and to your future children as well. Some people do have the mental strength to compartmentalise and not let issues from one sphere overshadow others. If you both think you have this gift, it's worth giving it a go.

LegacyUser

I'm so surprised at the responses on this thread. Until Wibbs posted, I thought I was just crazy.

I'm going anon purely to protect the other party in this. I'm in a similar-ish situation. There is a man that I can see myself marrying. I'm very much in love with him. We were in a relationship but broke up a while back, due to circumstances that aren't important now. But we've gravitated back to each other. However, things just aren't that straight-forward. Let's say he's trapped in a financial situation for at least the next year where he basically won't have an income. He's already done everything he can to cut back - moved back into his parents house, is driving an ancient car and spends the absolute bare minimum. At the moment he's surviving, but in a few months things will really go to hell for him. Meanwhile, I'm also in a poor financial situation and my only option is to move away soon to get work. As much as we love each other, we both acknowledge that a relationship simply won't work for the moment. When I move, he won't be able to afford to come see me and I will only be able to see him rarely.

I know there's couples who go months and months without seeing each other in an LDR, but we've done an LDR in the past and it was awful. Love simply doesn't conquer all. Money is extremely important. In time, I will have a lucrative career but he has no guarantees of same. I know he hates that he can't pay for things, that he can't bring me places etc. We struggle just to afford a bottle of wine and a DVD at the moment. We could struggle through the next year or two, but he's against that idea and I agree with him. We might survive it, but at what cost? I'd much rather we set each other free and come back to each other at a point in our lives when we're ready for it. When we can afford to think about living together, marriage, all of that.

I am afraid that he'll meet someone else, but I trust that if it's meant to be, we'll come back to each other. We already have once; who's to say it won't happen again? So while I can't offer any real advice, OP, I just wanted to say that I get where you're coming from. It's not easy, for either of you. It took me a long time to come to terms with our situation but I accept it now. I know it's for the best. Just make sure she understands that it's not about her; that you want her back when you're in a position to give her what she needs. I hope it all works out for you, I really do.

Emme

I gather the OP is in his late 30s or early 40s and his GF is maybe in her early 30s. That puts a completely different spin on things if they want children. She might feel that time is running out, he feels unable to support children right now so it's tough for them both.

I don't know what advice to give, it depends on how much they want children and how much they want to be together. They might be forced to make a choice between the two.

Wompa1

Wibbs wrote: »

Right, next time you're out with a bunch of women mates and one of them has just mentioned a new boyfriend, wait and see how quickly "what he does for a living" will be asked or mentioned. Do the equivalent with men mates. Spot the diff. For all the equality stuff men are well aware of this as background noise. I didn't say it's right. It's currently killing husbands/partners out there through suicide over financial difficulties. It's not right, but it's out there.

Very interesting analogy and something I never picked up on but you're right!!

miec

Wibbs is incredibly correct about women saying 'what does he do for a living' as a woman who hears this gross question all the time I can confirm it. For me it is an ugly question because it is placing value on what a man does not who he is. The other thing I hear women say to me is his prospects.

Op I really feel for your situation, and whilst I am pretty romantic I know where you are coming from. When money is incredibly tight or in your situation facing bankruptcy it can affect / kill off the best of relationships. It is incredibly stressful.

Before I would completely end it with your girlfriend are there any avenues you can go down to sort out your financial difficulties? MABS / other organisations that can assist?

It may be that your situation is impossible and you may have to part. Bringing up a child in poverty is to put it bluntly pretty **** and painful. I have a 13 year old, raising him alone since he was six months old with no maintenance, working jobs that paid okayish, being crippled financially with childcare costs and sometimes worried about not having enough food to last the full week. That is **** so I can understand where you are coming from. Thankfully my situation now is vastly improved but I had that experience.

I hope something works out for you both but it may be you are doing the right thing.

miec

miec wrote: »

Wibbs is incredibly correct about women saying 'what does he do for a living' as a woman who hears this gross question all the time I can confirm it. For me it is an ugly question because it is placing value on what a man does not who he is. The other thing I hear women say to me is his prospects.

While I understand the point being made, I don't think the question itself is necessarily that gross or money-oriented as is being claimed - we spend up to a third of our lives in work, it's a big part. I would ask purely from curiosity.
Now it could be your experience is that women do only ask for the status point of view, it just makes me wince to see it condemned that way.
I've also heard (a lot around here) of women having varying success on a night out when they lied about their occupations as well.

Wibbs

bluewolf wrote: »

I've also heard (a lot around here) of women having varying success on a night out when they lied about their occupations as well.

Oh I do take your point about curiosity B and of course it's not always that. Not at all, but like I said see how curious an equivalent bunch of men are about a woman's career prospects. They can be curious about other mens jobs as some willy waving exercise*, but women's jobs set against attractiveness is much lower on the list. Unless... OK B ask yourself why a woman may have varying success depending on what job she says she has. IMHO unless the woman says she's a hooker or stripper, the main reason her occupation would give varying success is if the men involved saw her as above them in career status. It's just the other(and daft) side of the same coin.

Like I say this stuff is background level, most of the time people don't even notice themselves saying or thinking it, but it has been my consistent experience that in general women think far more about "prospects" in a man, than the other way around. The "man is provider and women is provided for" while changing is still a very strong meme and each gender will tend to look at it from their respective point of view and I think some of the advice is coming from a similar place. I'm just trying to put across how some men at least would feel considering this.

I know I'd be similar to the OP if I was in his position. Never mind being the provider, if I can't provide an equal input into the relationship I'd back right off. I'd be thinking of her and the added pressure on her and on me. Potential kids? Good god no. Bad enough if accidents happen, but planning for it? No way. Like I said I've seen money worries tear apart families way more often than infidelity.

The OP should be lookin forward practically(and I've no doubt he has and is) and when he's more on an even keel, sharing his life will be a lot easier.


*because for men more than women it's how they judge themselves.

metrovelvet

bluewolf wrote: »

While I understand the point being made, I don't think the question itself is necessarily that gross or money-oriented as is being claimed - we spend up to a third of our lives in work, it's a big part. I would ask purely from curiosity.
Now it could be your experience is that women do only ask for the status point of view, it just makes me wince to see it condemned that way.
I've also heard (a lot around here) of women having varying success on a night out when they lied about their occupations as well.

Read the thread in bits and pieces. The thing is when your self worth is on the floor trying to climb back up to something trying to resemble even the feintest line of self worth, you just dont feel like you can bring anything to the table so you will back out.

I dont think it has much to do with status or being worried about what the woman will think of your status, but how the OP perceives himself right now, which is probably like a failure. OP dont meant to refer to you in third person, will shift gears now. Discussion sort of became a little more abstracted along the way.

Its my guess when men get fired or their careers go topsy turvy a whole emasculation project gets underway and their sense of personal worth is revolutionised. It takes self esteem to be with someone and if you are a mess in this regard it can be tougher than it has to be.

Op I hope things get better for you, maybe now is the time to focus on you and your life and sometimes you have to chalk things up to bad timing.

metrovelvet

metrovelvet wrote: »

Read the thread in bits and pieces. The thing is when your self worth is on the floor trying to climb back up to something trying to resemble even the feintest line of self worth, you just dont feel like you can bring anything to the table so you will back out.

I dont think it has much to do with status or being worried about what the woman will think of your status, but how the OP perceives himself right now, which is probably like a failure. OP dont meant to refer to you in third person, will shift gears now. Discussion sort of became a little more abstracted along the way.

Yes... I was responding a bit off-topic on general principles and not in relation to OP's issue. I probably shouldn't have. I could understand his problem all right, don't get me wrong.

LegacyUser

Hey guys, OP back again,

Wibbs has explained my thoughts and motivations better than I could, - I dont have his elequence or clarity of thought, but he's got it in one.-Exactly.
Taltos and Picarooney also seem to understand perfectly.
At some point in the future I would like to think that I could be a good partner to someone, maybe even this woman. At some point, all this financial sh*t will be over. At some point I will be happy again. Currently I have no idea when any of these things will come to pass.
I've been oscillating between thinking like some of the posters here- 'Im mad to be doing this' and thinking 'Yes I've done the right thing here' over the past couple of days.
Today was a better day than some recently, but I'm missing that woman dreadfully.

Im more confused now than when I started !

On the other point, I think career/prospects arehugely important to a lot of women in the 28-35 age bracket, who haven't ended up with one of the 'lads' they spent their mid twenties with and are now looking for a "serious" relationship and feel they should look for a guy with serious "prospects".
Some guys would be on the lookout for the "state job" woman too but it's not as common.

Anyway, thank to everyone who posted, if there are developments in the near future I'l update, - say a month or so, but if not "Dammit !" will be retired, and I'l get back the use of the "thanks" button.
Dammit!

LegacyUser

Today was'nt a good one,

I'm missing her so badly.

I feel very alone in a world of sh*t.

I nearly text her but what good would come of that ? None, except some concerned reply I could have written myself or worse, she'd say she's missing me too but we made a decision, and circumstances haven't changed meantime.

This is awful.

I am a friend

I dont agree for your rational for breaking up - this isnt the 1940's but you need to stick it out for a while and not mess her round but going back to her so soon and then maybe finishing it again...

Jack B. Badd

Dammit ! wrote: »

I nearly text her but what good would come of that ? None, except some concerned reply I could have written myself or worse, she'd say she's missing me too but we made a decision, and circumstances haven't changed meantime.

Your situation sounds really sh*tty but imo this is a good attitude to have - you won't help either of you by being in contact, unless you have realistic plans to get back together or have put the relationship behind you. Otherwise, you're just picking a scab and you won't heal.

Am I right in thinking that you're time rich / cash poor at the moment, OP? If that's the case (or maybe I'm reading it wrong), you might be dwelling due to having too much time on your hands. Are there any hobbies or social activities in your area that you can take up that won't require cash? Or volunteering, maybe?

I know the old "get a hobby" line gets trotted out a lot when it comes to the period post-breakup but it doesn't help you if you dwell and occupying yourself with an activity or routine is a good way to stave it off.

Good luck - you really do sound like you have your head screwed on!

LegacyUser

Dammit ! wrote: »

On the other point, I think career/prospects arehugely important to a lot of women in the 28-35 age bracket,

Hi OP, as a woman in that age bracket I might be able to give you some insight. I'm with a guy who hasn't got a whole lot of spare cash. I have some due to inheritance, so I'm always keen to pay for us. He doesn't like me paying for things if he can't contribute, but it's just the way things are at the moment. I love my boyfriend dearly, and I could never see us parting.
Before I met my boyfriend ('the one'!), I went out with another guy who had little spare cash. Didn't like him so much. The reason? He had no aspirations. He was in a dead end job, had never even learned to drive. He bored me to tears.
My boyfriend is the complete opposite. He has great drive and determination, very intelligent, has a great love for life. These are the reasons I'm with him (despite him not having money, shock horror!! : )
I understand that I do have a buffer of my inheritance if I do have children, and this is a bit of security for me (I can understand any woman checking a man's financial credentials, because they're often an indicator of a man's drive and determination, as well as being a bit of security when you're carrying and rearing children). But if I didn't have my inheritance, I really couldn't see myself turning down a man who treats me with the respect my boyfriend does. My own parents really, really struggled to bring up seven of us, and yet the relationship they had was amazing.
Search within yourself. Are you putting the kibosh on the relationship because you feel emasculated? If this is the reason the relationship is ending, you're making a big mistake. A man with money is all well and good, but what is far, far more important is a man with drive and determination. Money WILL NOT solve the biggest problems you face in life, strength courage and determination will.

Taltos

OP

I know you might not be around right now.
And hopefully things are getting better for you - I am just hoping - don't know why - that you have reconsidered.

I know you have your reasons to end this - but there are always reasons.
If you love this woman - and I think you do - then feck it - I mean - she could get hit by a bus tomorrow - do you really want to go through your life with this regret?

There are a hundred and one reasons to end any relationship - but you only need one to stay. I know you think you are protecting her - but have you considered that in doing this - you are in fact hurting her more than anyone else can?
Maybe it is too late - but maybe just maybe it's not.

Sorry - it's late, been one of those days - and your thread has stuck with me. Seeing someone who has love throw it away in an effort to protect the other person, well I am still at a loss.

Oh crap - am going to head off now - best of luck OP. Either way - I really do hope that you and she find happiness.

I am a friend

Taltos wrote: »

Seeing someone who has love throw it away in an effort to protect the other person, well I am still at a loss.

Same here.....

Jack B. Badd

Taltos wrote: »

There are a hundred and one reasons to end any relationship - but you only need one to stay. I know you think you are protecting her - but have you considered that in doing this - you are in fact hurting her more than anyone else can?
Maybe it is too late - but maybe just maybe it's not.

Would you give this advice if the OP was citing personal issues of an non-financial nature as the reason for not being able to stay in the relationship? If the issues were emotional or mental or if they were dealing with the grief of losing a family member or friend, if they needed time to deal with their issues before committing to a relationship. Because from the sounds of it, any financial issues don't exist in a vacuum - the OP is under the strain of losing his business & home of many years and while this isn't exactly losing a person in your life I'm sure he's grieving over the loss. The financial issue is adding extra emotional strain.

Imo it's a bit simplistic to say you only need one reason to stay in a relationship when, for your own sake, you may need time alone to sort out a multitude of issues. Romantic love is fantastic but it isn't the be all and end all.

Virgil°

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Romantic love is fantastic but it isn't the be all and end all.

I disagree. Might sound like something from a bad movie, but there you have it.

Taltos

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Would you give this advice if the OP was ...

Yes - absolutely - 100%.
Without my OH I don't really know how I would have gotten through some of the bad times in my life. And maybe I am idealistic - I hope that I am there just as much if not more for her.

Sacrificing everything to "protect" the person who loves you - well - all you do is actually hurt them...
When so much is going on and you are under so much pressure - that is the one time you should never make decisions like this about a relationship. Life and romance is not all about roses and chocolates, oftentimes it is hard - and cruel and tough. I mean lets face it life really does suck sometimes. However - having someone to share the bad times as well as the good times is what gets most of us through it, and in actuality I have found my relationship with my OH is so much stronger as a result of sticking with it when the "sensible" thing to do was walk away...

LegacyUser

Hi again,

Thanks for the replies,

To answer some questions & update,

We have not been in contact since a few days after this thread was begun. This was on her request, as she knows we will get over each other quicker that way. I was doing the contacting, in a way I suppose because I didn't want her to get over me. If you read earlier posts, you'll remember it was I who ultimately said the words, but we had been discussing breaking up before that. This was because my lack of resources, money and time, but particularly money were causing arguments and causing her to doubt my long term prospects as a provider to potential children and an equal contributer to the family.
I agree to a point, I know I'll rise out of this crap, but I don't know how long that will take.

Jack B Badd, I am both time and cash poor, I still work 70+ hours a week, I still employ people, my business is very close to the wall but I may be able to salvage something from it, - if I dont, everything else falls. It doesent currently provide a wage for me, but it may again if it can be saved.

I have missed her horribly since the breakup, I still do - every day. Sundays are just God Awful, thinking where is she this weekend, wondering if she's with someone, if she misses me. It's rotten to be going through this crap alone, but it's worse bringing someone else along for the ride.

Bottom line;
She's 30 with everything going for her, and she wants to settle down. She's an amazing girl and will have no shortage of suitors.
I'm 38, married before, and in a world of crap, - not exactly an ideal catch.
She was doing the maths even though she had fallen badly for me, and I made the decision, even though I love her, and would love to settle with her.
Practicality, real politic, call it what you will, but none of that is on the cards for me at the moment, so why deny another, particularly one you care for, the opportunity to chase the dream.

Dammit !

Taltos

Sorry OP - did not mean to rake this up on you.
Really hope that everything works out for you in the long run though.

Sorry again
T