OH not interested....

guns r cool

I've been married for over 10 years and have 2 amazing kids and in spite of that fact that we have obviously had sex in the past, my OH just isn't interested in it anymore. It's been a long dry spell since Christmas and this has been an issue off and on for as long as we've been together. In the beginning we were like any new couple - as long as I initiated it. She has never once said to me that she would like a bit of sex or even that she was feeling slightly in the mood. If I don't get the ball rolling nothing happens. Trying to discuss it doesn't help - I try to do it in a non-blaming way but she just says I'm putting pressure on her and it just turns into an argument. It has actually brought me to tears ( I know, I know I'm a big blouse.) but I'm sick to death of feeling frustrated all the time. I'm actually considering ending our marriage over it. Am I unreasonable to want sex once in a while?

Beruthiel

guns r cool wrote: »

Am I unreasonable to want sex once in a while?

No, you're not.
Before you up sticks and leave, tell her that this has now come to a head and that ye need to see a professional in order to get to the bottom of it. That you love her and want to save your marriage.

If she has never initiated sex in all the time you have known her, there maybe more to this then her just not being in the mood.

guns r cool

Beruthiel wrote: »

No, you're not.
Before you up sticks and leave, tell her that this has now come to a head and that ye need to see a professional in order to get to the bottom of it. That you love her and want to save your marriage.

If she has never initiated sex in all the time you have known her, there maybe more to this then her just not being in the mood.

Unfortunately we have done couples counselling twice in the time we've been together and both times the sex issue came up and agreements were made but nothing was followed up.
I do love her and want this to work out but I'm at the end of my rope with this. She doesn't admit that she might have a problem - in fact when I suggested talking to her gyn about it she got really pi$$ed off.
I just want to feel desired and be pursued now and then instead of doing all the work so I don't feel like I'm the only one that enjoys sex in this house!

ppink

do you know why she does not want it?

I know lots of women who are happy without sex or who have it once amonth just to keep OH happy but I am pretty sure it is because they dont orgasm.

guns r cool

She just says it's not important to her - she can take it or leave it, whereas for me it's 4th on my list of life's essentials - just below oxygen, water and food.
The few times a year we have sex are usually mutually satisfying - and I have told her that if she ever wants me to do something I'm not or stop something I am doing I will without getting thick about it but she just won't talk about it. It's like she has absolutely zero interest/need for sex. I'm not even looking for it every day - once a week or even a fortnight would be great.

Beruthiel

guns r cool wrote: »

Unfortunately we have done couples counselling twice in the time we've been together and both times the sex issue came up and agreements were made but nothing was followed up.
I do love her and want this to work out but I'm at the end of my rope with this. She doesn't admit that she might have a problem

Does she even get how utterly selfish she is?
I mean, if she is not willing to even meet you half way on this, what exactly is she expecting here?
That you become celebrate?

Mallei

OP, your wife is doing nothing wrong. If she has a low sex drive then she has a low sex drive. If you're so unbelievably desperate that you can't cope without sex then perhaps you need to evaluate your life and your health, and not just assume something is wrong with hers.

She's had two kids. Perhaps she's done on the sex front. Have you let yourself go in the past ten years? Maybe she doesn't find you as attractive anymore.

There seems to be a pervading feeling on Boards when these types of thread crop up that the woman is being selfish and unreasonable by not letting her husband use her whenever he wants, whether she's in the mood or not. She should somehow "get herself in the mood" for his benefit whenever he decides he'd like to use her body for his pleasure.

What would you have your wife do, OP? Open her legs for you whenever you demand it because you might otherwise have to - shock horror - actually go without? There's a phrase for that - it's called coercive rape. Which, funnily enough, is rape.

Also, I'd suggest that statements such as this:

whereas for me it's 4th on my list of life's essentials - just below oxygen, water and food.

suggest to me that it may be you with the problem. I'm going to assume you're at the least in your mid-thirties. Sex should not be your driving factor anymore. You are not eighteen. You consider sex more important than your wife's happiness? Or even than your children? By your own admission, even - I didn't see you mention your children in that list of life's essentials; surely they should come first?. And that you'd be willing to leave your marriage - to desert your children - over this smacks of irresponsibility. What do you say to your kids? "Sorry, but I'm leaving mammy because she won't put out on demand anymore."

OP, it sounds like you seriously need to grow up.

LegacyUser

Mallei wrote: »

OP, your wife is doing nothing wrong. If she has a low sex drive then she has a low sex drive.

She has no sex drive. Having a low sex drive means that you don't want to do it three or four times a week and quite happy with once a week or even once a fortnight.

Op hasn't had it since christmas. That's selfish of his wife. Then you have the neck to accuse him of rape if the wife decides to open her legs.

Then to suggest that the OP has the problem. You should take a look at a thing called maslow's hierarchy of needs. Breathing, sleeping, food, water and sex is on top of the list. Its basic needs.

Your whole post was unhelpful.

guns r cool

Mallei wrote: »

OP, your wife is doing nothing wrong. If she has a low sex drive then she has a low sex drive.
I agree with this. However there are legitimate medical reasons for having a low drive and if she had perhaps ruled them out I would then just have to accept the situation.
If you're so unbelievably desperate that you can't cope without sex then perhaps you need to evaluate your life and your health, and not just assume something is wrong with hers.
This is a very personal issue and will be different for everyone. As it stands my life is very rewarding - apart from the physical aspect between us.
She's had two kids. Perhaps she's done on the sex front. Have you let yourself go in the past ten years? Maybe she doesn't find you as attractive anymore.
In fact I am in better physical shape now than when I was 18. I'm no adonis but would consider myself somewhat attractive.
There seems to be a pervading feeling on Boards when these types of thread crop up that the woman is being selfish and unreasonable by not letting her husband use her whenever he wants, whether she's in the mood or not. She should somehow "get herself in the mood" for his benefit whenever he decides he'd like to use her body for his pleasure.
What would you have your wife do, OP? Open her legs for you whenever you demand it because you might otherwise have to - shock horror - actually go without? There's a phrase for that - it's called coercive rape. Which, funnily enough, is rape.
This sort of attack really smacks of radical feminism. Have you considered that maybe you have a problem? Any therapist will tell you that a healthy sex life is part and parcel of a healthy realtionship.
Also, I'd suggest that statements such as this:

suggest to me that it may be you with the problem. I'm going to assume you're at the least in your mid-thirties. Sex should not be your driving factor anymore. You are not eighteen. You consider sex more important than your wife's happiness? Or even than your children? By your own admission, even - I didn't see you mention your children in that list of life's essentials; surely they should come first?. And that you'd be willing to leave your marriage - to desert your children - over this smacks of irresponsibility. What do you say to your kids? "Sorry, but I'm leaving mammy because she won't put out on demand anymore."
OP, it sounds like you seriously need to grow up.

What I consider important within the bounds of MY marriage is MY business. Obviously for you a physical realtionship is not important, but how does that qualify you to tell me what should or should not be the drivning force in my life? It does not. Whether or not you have or enjoy a physical realtionship is your choice and my opinion on that does not matter. A marriage is all about considering your partner's needs in addition to your own and I don't feel that my needs are being considered on this front.
If you have any helpful insight I would be happy to hear it -otherwise keep your attacks off my thread.
I don't know what man pi$$ed you off in the past, but as the great Bob Dylan said :It ain't me babe.

ppink

Mallei wrote: »

OP, your wife is doing nothing wrong. If she has a low sex drive then she has a low sex drive. If you're so unbelievably desperate that you can't cope without sex then perhaps you need to evaluate your life and your health, and not just assume something is wrong with hers.

She's had two kids. Perhaps she's done on the sex front. Have you let yourself go in the past ten years? Maybe she doesn't find you as attractive anymore.

There seems to be a pervading feeling on Boards when these types of thread crop up that the woman is being selfish and unreasonable by not letting her husband use her whenever he wants, whether she's in the mood or not. She should somehow "get herself in the mood" for his benefit whenever he decides he'd like to use her body for his pleasure.

What would you have your wife do, OP? Open her legs for you whenever you demand it because you might otherwise have to - shock horror - actually go without? There's a phrase for that - it's called coercive rape. Which, funnily enough, is rape.

Also, I'd suggest that statements such as this:



suggest to me that it may be you with the problem. I'm going to assume you're at the least in your mid-thirties. Sex should not be your driving factor anymore. You are not eighteen. You consider sex more important than your wife's happiness? Or even than your children? By your own admission, even - I didn't see you mention your children in that list of life's essentials; surely they should come first?. And that you'd be willing to leave your marriage - to desert your children - over this smacks of irresponsibility. What do you say to your kids? "Sorry, but I'm leaving mammy because she won't put out on demand anymore."

OP, it sounds like you seriously need to grow up.

Ah I think this is a tad unfair.....he is still with her is he not and he has tried to sort it out too. you would swear he was looking for it 10 times a day by this post!
Physical attration is an issue in a relationship....its part of what makes your relationship different from the one you have with friends surely.

OP have you told her it is 4th on your list? Is she attracted to you and, if not, can you change that?

Joey the lips

I am following this thread and i knew it would not be long before the above post being critical of the man apeared.

I think its very natural for a man or women to expect sex. If it were not then so many marriages would not fail because of sexual affairs. Its obviously an important part.

I agree this happens and it only seems to happen to women(lack of interest) and the funny thing is the man is tared and feathered for saying it. What if it were reveresed. ie if the man was fed up with sex... Might womens advice be different.... Bear in mind men dont respond to toys like women and to satasfy yourself only helps so much.

op i dont know the answer but i know your not alone and i imagine there are loads of people curious how your going to deal with it because it is a big problem for men.

LegacyUser

Mallei wrote: »

What would you have your wife do, OP? Open her legs for you whenever you demand it because you might otherwise have to - shock horror - actually go without? There's a phrase for that - it's called coercive rape. Which, funnily enough, is rape.

Oh sweet jesus!!! Where in the OP's post did it say that he demanded sex from his wife??? I don't think it did so for you to insinuate rape is absolutely ludacris!!

OP, it seems that you have been pretty understanding up to this point and you a fully entitled to be in a happy satisfying relationship, a functional relationship is about considering each others needs and compromising on things that you might agree on and in this case your wife seems unwilling to compromise!! You really need to speak to her again and emphasise how much the lack of intimacy is effecting you, some people do have a low sex drive but 6 months is a long time to go without if you are in a relationship, how were thing in that dept before the kids arrived? Might she be depressed?

I wish you luck and hope you both can work things out and are able to salvage your relationship

ibarelycare

Mallei wrote: »

OP, your wife is doing nothing wrong. If she has a low sex drive then she has a low sex drive. If you're so unbelievably desperate that you can't cope without sex then perhaps you need to evaluate your life and your health, and not just assume something is wrong with hers.

She's had two kids. Perhaps she's done on the sex front. Have you let yourself go in the past ten years? Maybe she doesn't find you as attractive anymore.

There seems to be a pervading feeling on Boards when these types of thread crop up that the woman is being selfish and unreasonable by not letting her husband use her whenever he wants, whether she's in the mood or not. She should somehow "get herself in the mood" for his benefit whenever he decides he'd like to use her body for his pleasure.

What would you have your wife do, OP? Open her legs for you whenever you demand it because you might otherwise have to - shock horror - actually go without? There's a phrase for that - it's called coercive rape. Which, funnily enough, is rape.

Also, I'd suggest that statements such as this:



suggest to me that it may be you with the problem. I'm going to assume you're at the least in your mid-thirties. Sex should not be your driving factor anymore. You are not eighteen. You consider sex more important than your wife's happiness? Or even than your children? By your own admission, even - I didn't see you mention your children in that list of life's essentials; surely they should come first?. And that you'd be willing to leave your marriage - to desert your children - over this smacks of irresponsibility. What do you say to your kids? "Sorry, but I'm leaving mammy because she won't put out on demand anymore."

OP, it sounds like you seriously need to grow up.

This is probably the most ridiculous post I've ever read in PI.

Rape? Really? Get a grip.

A husband wants sex from his wife and you're saying there's something wrong with him? His wife is absolutely being selfish by not even cooperating or meeting him halfway. "Perhaps she's done on the sex front"...well what if the OP just decided he was "done on the faithful stuff" or "done on the loving stuff"... sex, for a lot of people, is one of the most important factors in a relationship and is up there with being faithful, loving, etc.

OP you need to give your wife an ultimatum. By going to counselling a couple of times, it shows that you really do want to save the marriage. Giving her an ultimatum will prove whether or not she wants to save it.

fatmammycat

Gosh OP, I feel for you. I would hate to be in a relationship without sex. Sex is part of the bond that keeps couples together, does you wife not see how miserable you are without that bond?
I would sit her down and tell her straight out that she's weakening the bond of your marriage. You love her, I totally understand that, she's the mother of your children, but she is also your partner, in marriage and in life. She doesn't get to dictate that YOU go through life sexless.

seamus

Mallei wrote: »

OP, your wife is doing nothing wrong.
....
There seems to be a pervading feeling on Boards when these types of thread crop up that the woman is being selfish and unreasonable by not letting her husband use her whenever he wants

"Perhaps she's done on the sex front"? W.T.F.

Look, libido reduces throughout life, that's a given, and all of us go through times when we have a very reduced desire for sex. But as animals, we have 3 primary aims that we are driven to by our body - Eat, Survive, Reproduce.

Sex isn't a teenage phase which wears off in your thirties. Speak to any couple in their fifties and sixties and they will tell you that they still have plenty of sexual desire, just probably not to the same degree as they did in their 30's.

To claim that someone can be "done with sex", is more than just a little bit bizarre. It's like claiming that someone is "done with eating". If someone only ate when they were asked to, then we would get them to a psychologist, pronto.

It is fair to say that women's libidos are somewhat more "seasonal" than men's and women can go through longer periods of not having any sexual desire than men, but for a woman to be continually without any sexual desire, points to something medically or psychologically wrong, perhaps an hormonal imbalance or a subconscious issue with it.

Often a man's emotional health is also ignored in these scenarios because men are expected to be emotional rocks. It's the reason why so many men are afraid to bring this issue up, lest they're just marked as sex-mad deviants. There's also an incorrect popular perception that men have no emotional investment in sex.

Sex can often mean something very different to men and women. The old adage of "Women need to feel loved to have sex, men need to have sex to feel loved", is true. A woman will feel loved by her man, so long as he gives her attention, takes interest in her desires and appreciates her.

With the situation reversed, the man appreciates the attention, but without sex in the long-term he will question whether or not the woman considers him to be her sexual partner or just a good friend.

And the loss of a sexual partner, be it to another man, or simply because she no longers considers him to be a sexual companion, can be devastating.

Any healthy relationship is one where the needs of both partners are recognised, and one side isn't written off as being "immature" because they have an unfulfilled emotional need.

If this was a women posting about how her husband is great with the kids, but never, ever hugged her or told she looked good or took her out for a nice dinner every now and again, then posters would rightly be saying that no, she's not being unreasonable to feel desired and appreciated by her husband.
This is no different, except it's from a male POV.

The fact that this has been an issue throughout their relationship suggests to me that she has an ongoing problem with sex which she refuses to acknowledge.

Mallei

seamus wrote: »

If this was a women posting about how her husband is great with the kids, but never, ever hugged her or told she looked good or took her out for a nice dinner every now and again, then posters would rightly be saying that no, she's not being unreasonable to feel desired and appreciated by her husband.
This is no different, except it's from a male POV.

Well, it is, isn't it? Asking for a few more hugs when they're not forthcoming may be a little unreasonable in a moral sense, but it's not violating someone's body when they don't want to simply because you're horny.

guns r cool wrote:

What I consider important within the bounds of MY marriage is MY business. Obviously for you a physical realtionship is not important, but how does that qualify you to tell me what should or should not be the drivning force in my life? It does not. Whether or not you have or enjoy a physical realtionship is your choice and my opinion on that does not matter. A marriage is all about considering your partner's needs in addition to your own and I don't feel that my needs are being considered on this front.
If you have any helpful insight I would be happy to hear it -otherwise keep your attacks off my thread.
I don't know what man pi$$ed you off in the past, but as the great Bob Dylan said :It ain't me babe.

So you're considering your partners needs by insisting she has sex with you even though she doesn't want to? Seems to me you created this thread just to have everyone sympathise with you and give you ways to bully your wife into sleeping with you. As soon as someone suggests you might be in the wrong - as I have - you fly off the handle.

May I also point out that using your logic what you wife considers (un)important is therefore HER business, and not yours.

guns r cool

If I knew how to do the "thanks"thing I would give just about all of you thanks for being so understanding. It's good to know I'm not nuts and also not alone in this situation.

fatmammycat

guns r cool wrote: »

If I knew how to do the "thanks"thing I would give just about all of you thanks for being so understanding. It's good to know I'm not nuts and also not alone in this situation.

You're definitely not nuts, when people enter a marriage they do so with the understanding that love and respect and yes sex are all part of the commitment being made. There is nothing loving or respectful about withdrawing love or physical affection.

seamus

Mallei wrote: »

Well, it is, isn't it? Asking for a few more hugs when they're not forthcoming may be a little unreasonable in a moral sense, but it's not violating someone's body when they don't want to simply because you're horny.

And there you go writing off a legitimate emotional need, "simply because you're horny". No, it's because he wants to feel close to, and loved by his wife. Clearly you consider sex to be unimportant in the grand scheme and unnecessary in a relationship. You couldn't be further from the truth.
The purpose of all loving relationships is sex. Otherwise you're just two good friends living under the same roof.

"Violating" someone's body? If she is willing to have sex with him, then she does recognise the importance of sex, but for whatever reason has no desire to do it. You're trying to paint the scenario here of him being the big, bad horny man pressuring the poor chaste woman into having sex, when it's perfectly clear from the OP that his wife is perfectly capable of resisting this imaginary "pressure" for as long as she wants.

ibarelycare

Mallei wrote: »

Well, it is, isn't it? Asking for a few more hugs when they're not forthcoming may be a little unreasonable in a moral sense, but it's not violating someone's body when they don't want to simply because you're horny.

He hasn't said he wants to "violate" his wife whenever he's horny. He obviously WANTS his wife to want him. He hasn't once suggested that he would want to have sex with her against her will. You're making things up now.

Mallei wrote: »

So you're considering your partners needs by insisting she has sex with you even though she doesn't want to? Seems to me you created this thread just to have everyone sympathise with you and give you ways to bully your wife into sleeping with you. As soon as someone suggests you might be in the wrong - as I have - you fly off the handle.

Again, where did he say he was going to "insist" his wife has sex with him? The main issue here is that the wife doesn't WANT sex, not that she WON'T. There's a difference. The OP has been a very patient and reasonable person from what I can see. He has tried to talk to his wife, he has gone to counselling. Having sex 4 times a year is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

Mallei wrote: »

May I also point out that using your logic what you wife considers (un)important is therefore HER business, and not yours.

Of course it's his business. It's detrimental to their marriage.

guns r cool wrote: »

If I knew how to do the "thanks"thing I would give just about all of you thanks for being so understanding. It's good to know I'm not nuts and also not alone in this situation.

You have to have a minimum amount of posts, I think 10

Mallei

seamus wrote: »

And there you go writing off a legitimate emotional need, "simply because you're horny". No, it's because he wants to feel close to, and loved by his wife. Clearly you consider sex to be unimportant in the grand scheme and unnecessary in a relationship. You couldn't be further from the truth.
The purpose of all loving relationships is sex. Otherwise you're just two good friends living under the same roof.

Seriously? The purpose of a relationship is sex? How... degrading. What about women with vaginismus? Or men with ED? Are they somehow not in a real loving relationship because they're not having sex?

seamus wrote: »

"Violating" someone's body? If she is willing to have sex with him, then she does recognise the importance of sex, but for whatever reason has no desire to do it. You're trying to paint the scenario here of him being the big, bad horny man pressuring the poor chaste woman into having sex, when it's perfectly clear from the OP that his wife is perfectly capable of resisting this imaginary "pressure" for as long as she wants.

Whether she's resisting that pressure or not, the fact is the pressure is there. The OP admits she has a low sex drive, and hence no desire for sex, and yet he still wants her to have sex with him more often. In other words, he wants her to have sex with him despite her lack of desire and interest in it, and the fact that she's clearly resisting. That's coercive rape at its most basic form!

fatmammycat

OP are you very serious that you are considering ending your marriage and does your wife realise this?

seamus

Mallei wrote: »

Seriously? The purpose of a relationship is sex? How... degrading. What about women with vaginismus? Or men with ED? Are they somehow not in a real loving relationship because they're not having sex?

How degrading that someone would be expected to have sex in a relationship? Are you for real?
Vaginismus, ED, these are temporary issues for which most people go and get help.
People who don't want to get help or who don't want sex, are basically friends. Seriously. If a long-term issue with sex appears, then yes, either partner would be very right to consider whether the marriage is worth continuing, or would they be happier unmarried and continuing as good friends.

If my wife decided that sex was no longer on the agenda, I would prefer that she turned around and told me, "Look, I love you, I think you're great, but I'm just not that into sex any more, I think we should end the marriage", rather than stringing me along for 20 years with the vague promise of sex every now and again. I'd be devastated, sure. But in the long run I think all parties are happier when the cards are on the table. Now, in reality I wouldn't leave her because I love her, but likewise I would give her the option of bailing if I came up against a long-term, unresolvable issue with sex.

That's coercive rape at its most basic form!

Co-ercive rape is "Have sex with me or I'll kill your mother". Coercison is the use of force or intimidation to achieve a result. The OP is using neither. You're insinuating that practically anyone who has ever suggested sex is guilty of coercive rape. It's pretty insulting to rape victims, to be frank, as it cheapens the seriousness of what they've had to endure.

Mallei

seamus wrote: »

How degrading that someone would be expected to have sex in a relationship?

You originally took it a lot further than that by explicitly saying that sex is the purpose of a relationship. That's slightly different to saying it's only a part of a relationship, as you are now.

seamus wrote: »

People who don't want to get help or who don't want sex, are basically friends. Seriously. If a long-term issue with sex appears, then yes, either partner would be very right to consider whether the marriage is worth continuing, or would they be happier unmarried and continuing as good friends.

I'd argue you have a very immature opinion of the importance of sex in a relationship.

seamus wrote: »

Co-ercive rape is "Have sex with me or I'll kill your mother". Coercison is the use of force or intimidation to achieve a result. The OP is using neither. You're insinuating that practically anyone who has ever suggested sex is guilty of coercive rape. It's pretty insulting to rape victims, to be frank, as it cheapens the seriousness of what they've had to endure.

No, it doesn't. What a pathetic, cheap tactic to suggest I'm insulting rape victims. Coercive rape is forcing through emotional blackmail someone to have sex with you when they don't want to. Suggesting sex is not coercive rape, as you so facetiously imply, but to carry on suggesting it when you've received a "no" to the point that your partner gives in is.

Johnny Favourite

Mallei you need to find a militant feminist forum or are you justifying short comings in your own personal sex life?

_blank_

Mallei wrote: »

Suggesting sex is not coercive rape, as you so facetiously imply, but to carry on suggesting it when you've received a "no" to the point that your partner gives in is.

So he should suggest sex tonight, get told "no" - when is it ok for him to ask again? An hour later? Tomorrow? Sunday morning? Next Thursday?


In a month, a year, or never?

LegacyUser

I was in a relationship for 6 years with a man that I absolutely adored but was not sexually attracted to. We were fantastic in every other way and leaving him was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make.

During my relationship with this man I began to feel bitterly about sex. I can remember thinking along the same lines as the previous poster Mallei. I was increasingly frustrated by the fact that this one issue was so important so I started to feel angry about it. Was I just an object to be used whenever he wanted? I felt like sex was something that was expected of me. Like it was some sort of duty. At that time I could happily have lived without it. In fact it would have been a relief.

Well in the end I couldn't lie to him or myself any longer. I had run out of excuses for rejecting his advances. Everytime I had to say no to him it would eat me up a little inside as I knew I was hurting him. I'd then feel angry with him for making me reject him yet again and so this all began to chip away at our relationship bit by bit.

A few years later and I'm now with a man that I love deeply in every way including sexually and this has changed my outlook completely. I can't imagine sex not being a part of our relationship. We both have busy lives working full time and raising a child but still we make that extra effort because it's so enjoyable and we also realise how important it is to keep that bond strong.

Because of this experience, I realise now that my past partner really was just a great friend.

OP I'm not saying that this is how your wife feels, there are a number of issues that may be causing her low libido but the key here is that she has to want to fix it. She has to understand that sex is of absolute importance to a 'romantic' partnership. If she's not willing to work on this, then I'm sorry to say but I'm not hopeful for your future together.

I do hope you both manage to work it out.

All the best

Oryx

This is not a debate about the points mallei has made. If you want to argue out those points take it to humanities. This is about the op and only the facts as the op has given them.

ppink

Mallei wrote: »

Well, it is, isn't it? Asking for a few more hugs when they're not forthcoming may be a little unreasonable in a moral sense, but it's not violating someone's body when they don't want to simply because you're horny.



So you're considering your partners needs by insisting she has sex with you even though she doesn't want to? Seems to me you created this thread just to have everyone sympathise with you and give you ways to bully your wife into sleeping with you. As soon as someone suggests you might be in the wrong - as I have - you fly off the handle.

May I also point out that using your logic what you wife considers (un)important is therefore HER business, and not yours.

Is she considering his needs?

edit: sorry Oryx just saw your post

Timmythedonkey

I was in a sexless marriage for over 4 years of our 15 year marriage & needless to say we seperated last year.

I am a Woman and looking back now I know our marriage was in a bad place & therefore 'switched' my sexual side off.

After being seperated for a year & back in the dating game I NOW realise that I do enjoy sex but just didn't want to do it with my ex!

I would suggest councelling for you & your wife but just to say a marriage without sex cannot survive.

Beruthiel

guns r cool wrote: »

If I knew how to do the "thanks"thing I would give just about all of you thanks for being so understanding. It's good to know I'm not nuts and also not alone in this situation.

You're not nuts.
Can I ask, what are you like around the house? Do you do your fair share?
For a woman, if a man isn't doing his bit elsewhere, it's difficult to get in the mood.
A bloke only needs to be turned on five seconds earlier, for a woman, it could be the breakfast you made for her this morning.
I suppose you've already covered this with the counsellor though, and if you've been to one twice, it's very difficult to know what your next step should be.
This will fester as time goes on though.
You need to at least tell her how this is affecting you and what you are thinking of doing next.
For your own sake though, you must at least come to a decision either way.

Jesus Mallei have you lost the plot entirely? A married couple having issues and he wants advice and you're screaming rape?!

OP as you've tried counselling a couple of times I don't know what advice to give really, it seems you're at an impasse. I just wanted to give you some support and let you know it's ok to have a problem with it!

guns r cool

Beruthiel wrote: »

You're not nuts.
Can I ask, what are you like around the house? Do you do your fair share?
For a woman, if a man isn't doing his bit elsewhere, it's difficult to get in the mood.
A bloke only needs to be turned on five seconds earlier, for a woman, it could be the breakfast you made for her this morning.
I suppose you've already covered this with the counsellor though, and if you've been to one twice, it's very difficult to know what your next step should be.
This will fester as time goes on though.
You need to at least tell her how this is affecting you and what you are thinking of doing next.
For your own sake though, you must at least come to a decision either way.

I definitely try to pull my weight around the house - I cook, clean, do laundry, mind the kids, wash dishes. I did all these things before we went to counselling - the counsellor did suggest that sort of thing might help get her fires lit but even if I make sure she doesn't have to lift a finger all day, cook her fave meal, wash up and then set the mood with some candles and her favourite music the spark just never catches. I'm very open-minded and would do absolutely anything she wanted if she thought it would help.
Thanks so much everyone for all your support and advice - I'm going to sit her down tonight and try once again to make her see how serious this is for me- I don't want to deliver an ultimatum but I don't know what else to do at this point. I'll let you all know how it goes - fingers crossed!!

guns r cool

bluewolf wrote: »

Jesus Mallei have you lost the plot entirely? A married couple having issues and he wants advice and you're screaming rape?!

OP as you've tried counselling a couple of times I don't know what advice to give really, it seems you're at an impasse. I just wanted to give you some support and let you know it's ok to have a problem with it!

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks that is ridiculous!! A bit OTT for our dear Mallei I think.
Thanks bluewolf for the kind words!

ibarelycare

Good luck OP, really hope it works out for you.

Bloody Nipples

Mallei wrote: »

I'd argue you have a very immature opinion of the importance of sex in a relationship.

It could also be argued that you are utterly clueless when it comes to relationships and are therefore poorly suited to be posting in this forum. Sexual attraction is the foundation of any relationship.

shellyboo

OP, it seems you've tried all the obvious methods of dealing with this... counselling, asking her to see a GP, talking to her about it and she's not receptive. Obviously there's some sort of issue on her part -- we don't know what it is -- that means sex is not important to her anymore.

Before you go breaking up your marriage and your family over this, would it be in any way worth broaching the subject of an open relationship with her? After all, if sex is *so* unimportant to her, if she really and truly only has romantic (non-sexual) feelings for you now, then you having ONLY sexual contact with another woman shouldn't be an issue for her.

It's like this. Sex is the ONLY thing two monogamous partners HAVE to do together. If one of you likes sailing and the other's not interested... you can go sailing with someone else. If one of you loves sushi and the other hates it, you can eat with someone else. We feel no claim over these activities because they're not integral to the idea of a romantic relationship. If your wife no longer feels that sex is part of your romantic relationship -- is there any chance she'd be ok with you doing that with someone else instead?

It's a long shot, I'm guessing, but worth the argument. If she's really unwilling to even attempt to consider (never mind accommodate) your needs, well... that's not much of a partnership.

PS: Anyone saying the OP is selfish... ever heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? He's not just being a horndog. Sex is a basic function of the human species.

The Princess Bride

Before you go breaking up your marriage and your family over this, would it be in any way worth broaching the subject of an open relationship with her? After all, if sex is *so* unimportant to her, if she really and truly only has romantic (non-sexual) feelings for you now, then you having ONLY sexual contact with another woman shouldn't be an issue for her.
It's like this. Sex is the ONLY thing two monogamous partners HAVE to do together. If one of you likes sailing and the other's not interested... you can go sailing with someone else. If one of you loves sushi and the other hates it, you can eat with someone else. We feel no claim over these activities because they're not integral to the idea of a romantic relationship. If your wife no longer feels that sex is part of your romantic relationship -- is there any chance she'd be ok with you doing that with someone else instead?

It's a long shot, I'm guessing, but worth the argument. If she's really unwilling to even attempt to consider (never mind accommodate) your needs, well... that's not much of a partnership.

PS: Anyone saying the OP is selfish... ever heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? He's not just being a horndog. Sex is a basic function of the human species.[/QUOTE]


I agree.
Has she had a medical check up by the way? (not counselling-medical)maybe she has decreased hormone levels- this could explain the loss of desire.
As for your relationship-you're only young,this isn't a trial run at life,it's the real deal-and if you aren't fully happy,then something's gotta give.
Best of luck.

MissFlitworth

shellyboo wrote: »

Before you go breaking up your marriage and your family over this, would it be in any way worth broaching the subject of an open relationship with her?

I think this is a great idea, once it sits well with the OP & he's ok to sleep with someone outside his marriage, but I would definitely say it's something they should agree about with a mediator or someone outside their relationship.
I could be being paranoid but I'd say that someone in his wife's situation could end up being a bit stung by the arrangement even if she doesn't want to have sex anymore & possibly conveniently forgetting she agreed to the whole thing. Last thing you'd want would be to be accused of having an affair and possibly kicked out of your home!

guns r cool

shellyboo wrote: »

OP, it seems you've tried all the obvious methods of dealing with this... counselling, asking her to see a GP, talking to her about it and she's not receptive. Obviously there's some sort of issue on her part -- we don't know what it is -- that means sex is not important to her anymore.

Before you go breaking up your marriage and your family over this, would it be in any way worth broaching the subject of an open relationship with her? After all, if sex is *so* unimportant to her, if she really and truly only has romantic (non-sexual) feelings for you now, then you having ONLY sexual contact with another woman shouldn't be an issue for her.

Your point is completely logical given my situation and believe it or not she actually suggested this at one point (though it was in the middle of a heated argument soI can't really take that seriously) but I just don't think it would work for me. I would be worried that I would develop a romantic connection with the other woman - in a purely scientific sense because I'm male and sperm is physiologically cheap to make I should be evolutionarily prediposed to wanting to spread it around - but it's not just about the physical act - the emotional experience is an enjoyable part of it as well (prob why I always had long term girlfriends instead of the strings of 1-nighters my mates were indulging in).
Anyway I'm off to stir the hornet's nest now...........:(

Silverfish

Okay people there's already been a mod warning in this thread.

Please keep replies on-topic and helpful to the OP.

Please read the charter and abide by it.

Thank you.

Sleepy

OP, the best option might be to ask your wife to be honest and admit she wants a divorce.

From some of the posts in this thread, and many similar to it on this forum, a recurring theme of women posting about having no sex drive in one relationship but going at it like rabbits with new partners seems to keep emerging.

Major generalisation time: since men are far more likely to be the main earner in Ireland, I'll assume you are in your relationship. Is it possible your wife's only interest in remaining married to you is in the financial stability of being in the relationship? In the fear of the social status of a divorcee? In the fear of giving up the comfort of having someone to keep her company in the evenings?

aidan24326

@Mallei

Your attitude stinks. Really stinks.


@Sleepy

You're being unfair in suggesting that his wife is only hanging around for stability. We have no evidence to back that up, and even though that may well be the case it's only speculation given the info available.

Silverfish

aidan24326, you really give me no option but to ban you, with two warnings on this thread asking people to keep replies helpful to the OP and not debate other poster's advice.

guns r cool

Well I'm sure you have all been waiting to see how it went - to be honest I'm still in shock myself and not exactly sure how to feel about it. We did sit down to discuss the issue rationally but it got out of hand pretty quickly. She wasn't giving an inch and I was getting more and more furious about it - there was just no rational explanation given. I wound up screaming at her "what is so awful about me that you can't stand to have sex with me?"
She said that she had been sexually abused by a family friend and couldn't stand anyone touching her and that she had only just been able to cope with us having a physical realtionship at all. I feel like such a bastard for pushing her so hard that she had to admit that. She looked like I had just torn out her heart.
I'm really not sure what to do next.

Stheno

guns r cool wrote: »

Well I'm sure you have all been waiting to see how it went - to be honest I'm still in shock myself and not exactly sure how to feel about it. We did sit down to discuss the issue rationally but it got out of hand pretty quickly. She wasn't giving an inch and I was getting more and more furious about it - there was just no rational explanation given. I wound up screaming at her "what is so awful about me that you can't stand to have sex with me?"
She said that she had been sexually abused by a family friend and couldn't stand anyone touching her and that she had only just been able to cope with us having a physical realtionship at all. I feel like such a bastard for pushing her so hard that she had to admit that. She looked like I had just torn out her heart.
I'm really not sure what to do next.

This probably sounds very blunt OP but at least you've now gotten somewhere and have a reason as to the problem which explains why it's been a problem for so long.

If you can I'd suggest maybe trying to get away together for a meal, or some time out somewhere quiet and maybe discuss what she said, and explore if she is willing to have counselling in relation to it?

guns r cool

She did mention starting therapy to try to deal with it - frankly that's enough for me right now. I'm absolutely gutted for her - I want so bad to make it better but I can't. I am wondering if maybe the Gardai should be involved but I think that will be her decision.

qwertytlk

wow!!this post has certianly ruffeld some feathers!!
on a serious note though, this is a big issue in many relationships-when peoples sex drives dont match.
Is your wife shy OP? Maybe she feels awkward instgating sex, thats why she doesnt do it? Does she orgasm when you have sex? I dont mean to sound mean but is there a possibility she fakes it or finds it hard to orgasm? I ask this because in a a previous relationship, my ex couldnt bring me to orgasm, it only happenend a couple of times in the 2 years we were together. I did try talkiing to him about it but he wasnt willing to discuss it openly and honestly Anyway the end result there was that i lost interest in sex-even though i have a reasonable sex drive i.e-i would like sex at least a couple of times a week if not more.

Obviously i would suggest trying to talk to her about it again, maybe plan a weekend away...get the ball rolling. Speak to her away from the bedroom and if possible house as then it may be easier for her to discuss and feel less confrontational.

Can i ask, for example, if you did initiate sex tonight would you end up having sex, or does she try and put you off?

qwertytlk

O god, only read the post above mine AFTER i posted. Im so sorry about your wife. That is awful. But at least its out iin the open now and she can start to get help to come to terms with what happened in her past. I hope it all works out. Dont blame yourself OP, you werent to know. Youu thought she didnt fancy you or whatever...obviously you never imagined the outcome to be as it was in a million years,otherwise you wouldnt have pushed the subject.
I really hope this being out in the open and you knowing about it will help for her to speak to someone and try and work through what happened to her with a professional, and with you as it clearly affects your relationshiop. Support her and be patient. I hope it all works out for you both.

Stheno

guns r cool wrote: »

She did mention starting therapy to try to deal with it - frankly that's enough for me right now. I'm absolutely gutted for her - I want so bad to make it better but I can't. I am wondering if maybe the Gardai should be involved but I think that will be her decision.

Fair play to you OP. If you can, then try to gently encourage her to think seriously about the counselling, but don't be pushy about it, it will take her time to adjust to the fact that she's told you this after you being together so long, and it might awaken a lot of bad memories for her.

If she does go for counselling then be patient and try to be as supportive as you can, though from your posts it appears that you will be.

I know you probably feel rotten for pushing her to the point that she finally told you the reason, but it may be a real turning point in your relationship.

In the meantime, try to give her all the support you can.

Best of luck!

DangerMouse27

I have to give you thanks Op..what an astonishignly(cant spell) honest post. You really love your wife and she you. I look back and see where you could have been if you followed others advice and dread where you could be now had you followed it...so kudos for being brave.
Had you not..you may not have pushed your wife into revealing that piece of herself which was so guarded as to not even exist.

A friend of mine(guy) was sexually abused when he was younger and even though he got married and all, he never said anything to his wife until he had some sort of re-awakening with a tragic event and realised that what happened to him was real and not some nasty set of images he had tried to block out.
He hated sex too until he finally had to come to terms with it all.

I guess my point is, that things with him and the missus are fine now,its been two years of lots of work but he says he wouldnt change a thing, he has his wife back and she has him, she protects him now in ways he couldnt have imagined..and oh yeah..he loves sex now! ha ha ha

The guy is a good friend and we only knew how bad things were with him when i found him on his steps after taking all sorts of pills and booze.
Things will be fine with your wife but give it time, hold her hand when she needs it and talk about anything else but sex when ever she wants.