Gay. Catholic. Celibate.

LegacyUser

Hi, shout if you can help I'm looking for advice, so I'm using this forum as an alternative to Personal Issues..

I was born in 1981. Strict upbringing, and by strict I mean wicked controlling father and neurotic mother. I didn't come out until I was 23 or so, and didn't tell my mother until I was 27. I was never "scene" but everyone knew I was gay because I was pretty open about it. I never had any sexual attraction for women. In fact, I have a low sex drive and rarely get turned on without physical touching or the thought of an anonymous sexual encounter (so perhaps some intimacy issues, that guys I like would not turn me on)

I suffered depression over the years, most recently about 2 years ago and then decided to get my life on track. I spent most of that time not looking for a bf, but looked at porn online. I devoted myself to getting something that resembled a career on track.

At the start of this year I decided I needed a break from home so I moved abroad and made a few friends, but I work a lot and spend a lot of time on my own. Oh, and my sister had a baby so I want to be a good role model. I cut down on alcohol. I started reading self-help books, and gradually veered towards Christian self-help books. I feel like I'm learning how to slow down and see what's important in life.

I have a female friend who I told I was gay. About 6 weeks ago she took it upon herself to set me up with one of her gay friends (by inviting me for drinks and taking him along). After drinking and smoking weed I told the guy nothing was going to happen, he said he'd be disappointed and I gave in.. the first guy I was with sexually in a year. Nothing. I couldn't care less if I never saw him again.

I went to confession for the first time in over 15 years about a month ago where I got the advice to not beat myself up, I'm only human. I started to attend mass and read the bible. I see guys who I know are attractive and just don't lust after them. I just can't see how companionship with a man is anything but a compromise. It's never what I wanted, even though during my 20s it's what I thought I needed so I wouldn't be alone.

Now, what's even more frustrating is being away from home, many people ask me do I have a girlfriend, or am I married, or are there any girls that I like. I thought I was through all this years ago and being abroad, rather than giving me time to escape, is bringing forward a lot of questions I just didn't have to consider before.

Is celibacy even an option for a gay guy? Will people treat me with with sceptism and make comments like "he likes his privacy" because they expect people to be openly gay, straight or bi, and to be happy with a husband, wife or partner?

Even now, if I shacked up with a guy for companionship, at this moment in time I couldn't imagine it being a sexual relationship. In fact, one or two of my best, straight friends were guys I had a crush on before, got to know, became really good friends with, and now it would be the strangest thing in the world to see them in a sexual way, or even to have an exclusive male-male relationship.

I'm actually nearly more afraid of being seen to be lonely than actually being alone. And of course, I fully expect a time when I will feel crushing loneliness, or apathy.

Has anyone else gone through anything like this and how did it end up?

Asry

hi There's been quite a lot of discussion about this lately here. I am in a similar situation. I can point you toward two threads - here and here.

As a Catholic, I commend your celibacy and think you're doing the right thing. As a human, I absolutely do not. And yes, the dual tug-of-war is messed up.

I hope that you can get this resolved and be able to move forward.

baby and crumble

For some folks, sex isn't that big a deal, and just is not high ontheir list of priorities. For others, a lack of sexual desire is a symptom of something else. The fact that you already said you don't really get aroused except for the thought of anonymous sex might possibly point, as you rightly said, to intimacy issues. However, as you're just out of a bout if depression, it simply might be your brains way o telling you you're not ready to have a partner right now. Nothing is 'wrong', as the first scenario is just your natural
State, and the second is a protection mechanism, which makes sense...

Don't know if that's helped, just my 2c...

sparkydub2012

gayconfused wrote: »

Hi, shout if you can help I'm looking for advice, so I'm using this forum as an alternative to Personal Issues..

I was born in 1981. Strict upbringing, and by strict I mean wicked controlling father and neurotic mother. I didn't come out until I was 23 or so, and didn't tell my mother until I was 27. I was never "scene" but everyone knew I was gay because I was pretty open about it. I never had any sexual attraction for women. In fact, I have a low sex drive and rarely get turned on without physical touching or the thought of an anonymous sexual encounter (so perhaps some intimacy issues, that guys I like would not turn me on)

I suffered depression over the years, most recently about 2 years ago and then decided to get my life on track. I spent most of that time not looking for a bf, but looked at porn online. I devoted myself to getting something that resembled a career on track.

At the start of this year I decided I needed a break from home so I moved abroad and made a few friends, but I work a lot and spend a lot of time on my own. Oh, and my sister had a baby so I want to be a good role model. I cut down on alcohol. I started reading self-help books, and gradually veered towards Christian self-help books. I feel like I'm learning how to slow down and see what's important in life.

I have a female friend who I told I was gay. About 6 weeks ago she took it upon herself to set me up with one of her gay friends (by inviting me for drinks and taking him along). After drinking and smoking weed I told the guy nothing was going to happen, he said he'd be disappointed and I gave in.. the first guy I was with sexually in a year. Nothing. I couldn't care less if I never saw him again.

I went to confession for the first time in over 15 years about a month ago where I got the advice to not beat myself up, I'm only human. I started to attend mass and read the bible. I see guys who I know are attractive and just don't lust after them. I just can't see how companionship with a man is anything but a compromise. It's never what I wanted, even though during my 20s it's what I thought I needed so I wouldn't be alone.

Now, what's even more frustrating is being away from home, many people ask me do I have a girlfriend, or am I married, or are there any girls that I like. I thought I was through all this years ago and being abroad, rather than giving me time to escape, is bringing forward a lot of questions I just didn't have to consider before.

Is celibacy even an option for a gay guy? Will people treat me with with sceptism and make comments like "he likes his privacy" because they expect people to be openly gay, straight or bi, and to be happy with a husband, wife or partner?

Even now, if I shacked up with a guy for companionship, at this moment in time I couldn't imagine it being a sexual relationship. In fact, one or two of my best, straight friends were guys I had a crush on before, got to know, became really good friends with, and now it would be the strangest thing in the world to see them in a sexual way, or even to have an exclusive male-male relationship.

I'm actually nearly more afraid of being seen to be lonely than actually being alone. And of course, I fully expect a time when I will feel crushing loneliness, or apathy.

Has anyone else gone through anything like this and how did it end up?

be free n happy. sex is not everything m8. i am celibate and i am doing ok. that is my choice. catholic church abuse people... control etc. they do not do or know love. nite :-)

hotmail.com

There isn't anything morally wrong with sex. So have lots, but just make sure to use protection.

I'm not sure religion is the answer to your problems. It may only worsen things, the more you read the bible.

azezil

There's nothing wrong with being celibate but I'd suggest talking to a psychologist or a psychiatrist about your depression and your possible intimacy issues, they can provide you with far more useful advise and help in the long run than reading a bible.

honeybunny.ie

Hello gayconfused,

Sounds to me like you are thinking waaaay to much about everything. If you don't feel like having sex, just don't, if you feel you want to, same thing. Don't worry too much about what people expect from you, or what should be the "right" thing to do, you'll just end up with a massive headache. I'm not a Catholic but I do believe God made us who we are and wants us to enjoy ourselves.
So chin up and just do your thing- as long as you are not hurting anybody you have absolutely nothing to be accountable for!

hotmail.com

honeybunny.ie wrote: »

Hello gayconfused,

Sounds to me like you are thinking waaaay to much about everything. If you don't feel like having sex, just don't, if you feel you want to, same thing. Don't worry too much about what people expect from you, or what should be the "right" thing to do, you'll just end up with a massive headache. I'm not a Catholic but I do believe God made us who we are and wants us to enjoy ourselves.
So chin up and just do your thing- as long as you are not hurting anybody you have absolutely nothing to be accountable for!

How could a god possibly make us who we are?

nobody3

Its whatever you feel comfortable with. Don't worry about it. You are who you are. If you don't feel sexually attracted to anyone at the moment, that's perfectly alright. We all go through many stages in our life.

There's pressure that if you're gay you're only interested in sex. A total lie, don't believe the media or organised religion.

When its right to be with someone you'll know. Take your time, and if you don't feel its right to sleep with someone, then that's fine.

You'll find someone that you'll have a connection with and perhaps that may lead to something more intimate, and hopefully a meaningful relationship. In the meantime have fun, don't worry about having sex, there's no rush.

Capannori78

Hi gayconfused,
I know this is an old post - but I saw a film this week that might shed some light on what you're feeling.
I can't post the link, so google 'The Third Way' on vimeo. The url is vimeo.com/93079367
It's a very american production, but if you can set aside the over-dramatic music and cheesy backgrounds, it has something very powerful and hopeful to say.

J_E

Just remember, between two guys it doesn't always have to be about having anal sex either, many don't. I get the impression there might be a tinge of shame/insecurity in that regard. It should be about creating a safe and comfortable space between two people first and foremost, and then you can figure out what feels best for you. The best times I've had have sometimes been just a kiss, cuddle and chat about life.

It sounds like you'd enjoy a more serious relationship to just sexual encounters anyway. If you feel celibacy is the way for you, then nobody can take that away from you. Just make sure it's for the right reasons rather than an internal conflict or worry. Your sexuality can be as open or closed as you want it to be.

daithi84

I would say your lack of sexual appetite is down to some form of depression. While nothing wrong with celibacy if its right for you i would first seek help as it sounds more of a symptom of something rather than a concious choice in your situation. Turning to religion is a bad idea as it is hate filled and basically a blanket used to cover up problems. Get some proper medical/physiological help rather than trying to self help with religion.

gayconfused

gayconfused wrote: »

Is celibacy even an option for a gay guy?

Celibacy is an option for _anyone_. Regardless of sexuality. But when making this choice one has to do so realising the unfortunate fact that we live in a society of relationships and people are going to keep asking you when you will meet someone.

The majority likely mean well in their ignorant and offensive questioning - but the questioning is a fact of life we simply can not erase - despite the number of threads I have read on forums like this ranting about it from people who just can not take the questioning and judgements any more.

Single people get asked all the time when they will meet someone - and what the hold up is. Childless couples get asked all the time when they intend to procreate - and what the hold up is.

There are many forums and discussion groups and support groups and social groups for asexual people too. Perhaps there is much to learn from them if you invest time there. But bear in mind asexuality is one thing - but lack of sexual interest and libido _can_ also be symtomatic of other underlying issues - medical or psychological. I would explore BOTH avenues in parallel if I were in your position.

You may also be interested in the writing of Andrew Sullivan who is an openly gay catholic writer and blogger from the US. Some of what he writes might resonat with you. As someone with no god belief or time for religion myself - I simply can not advise you on THAT side of your sexuality/issues.