Showing you care- Always a Good Thing?

MiniSquish

My friend and her boyfriend broke up the other day, (his choice), she met him today and is now very upset because he told her "I could really see us going somewhere" hinting that he had seen them getting married etc. This left her dumbfounded as he had never said this to her in the relationship and it would have made her feel more secure in the knowledge that he really cared about her as he wasn't always quick to show it in the relationship.

We got to talking then and we agreed that the person that shows that they care the most in the relationship always ends up getting walked over, underappreciated etc.

Was just wondering if any of you ladies agree with this statement and think that once you start to treat someone really well they start to take you for granted? Men can throw their views into the mix too!

Otis Driftwood

MiniSquish wrote: »

My friend and her boyfriend broke up the other day, (his choice), she met him today and is now very upset because he told her "I could really see us going somewhere" hinting that he had seen them getting married etc. This left her dumbfounded as he had never said this to her in the relationship and it would have made her feel more secure in the knowledge that he really cared about her as he wasn't always quick to show it in the relationship.

We got to talking then and we agreed that the person that shows that they care the most in the relationship always ends up getting walked over, underappreciated etc.

Was just wondering if any of you ladies agree with this statement and think that once you start to treat someone really well they start to take you for granted? Men can throw their views into the mix too!

Im not being smart but what kind of relationships have ye had?

It shouldnt be a case of holding your emotional cards close to your chest in case you get taken for granted.Stuff like that is childish,unhealthy and will more than likely end up being the undoing of the relationship.

Jerrica

It's going to be really hard for me to give my views on this without making sweeping generalisations but I'll try anyway

Generally at the start of any relationship there'll be a chaser and a chasee. Ironically enough I think the absence of this dynamic is part of what makes the really great relationships as brilliant as they are - when both people involved are starting off from the same place, both want the same thing and both go at the same pace.

But in the majority of relationships (and unfortunately the majority are a long ways from perfect) there'll be some sort of chasing dynamic going on. More often than not it's the guy chasing the girl but it can work the other way too.

In my personal experience it usually comes down to a simple dynamic: guy chases girl, girl is hesitant, guy chases girl harder, girl starts to drop defenses, girl starts to give more, guy (usually subconsciouly) goes "hmmm, not sure about this" and starts to back off, girl becomes chaser and the flipped dynamic just doesn't work.

In the case of your friend and what her ex said to her I'd unfortunately be quite cynical about what he said - once the break-up has happened a guy can revert back into chaser mode quite quickly and will say all sorts of things to establish his hunter status.

I have to emphasise though that this is just a generalisation based on my experience and I'm sure there's many stories that can prove me wrong!

johnr1

Jerrica wrote: »

It's going to be really hard for me to give my views on this without making sweeping generalisations but I'll try anyway

Generally at the start of any relationship there'll be a chaser and a chasee. Ironically enough I think the absence of this dynamic is part of what makes the really great relationships as brilliant as they are - when both people involved are starting off from the same place, both want the same thing and both go at the same pace.

But in the majority of relationships (and unfortunately the majority are a long ways from perfect) there'll be some sort of chasing dynamic going on. More often than not it's the guy chasing the girl but it can work the other way too.

In my personal experience it usually comes down to a simple dynamic: guy chases girl, girl is hesitant, guy chases girl harder, girl starts to drop defenses, girl starts to give more, guy (usually subconsciouly) goes "hmmm, not sure about this" and starts to back off, girl becomes chaser and the flipped dynamic just doesn't work.

In the case of your friend and what her ex said to her I'd unfortunately be quite cynical about what he said - once the break-up has happened a guy can revert back into chaser mode quite quickly and will say all sorts of things to establish his hunter status.

I have to emphasise though that this is just a generalisation based on my experience and I'm sure there's many stories that can prove me wrong!

This...exactly. But it can occasionally work in reverse - as in genders reversed.

Kanoe

no. I have no words of wisdom only that as soon as I do it always signifies the end.

MiniSquish

I don't hold my emotional cards close to my chest but I have noticed a pattern of being taking for granted when you do alot for the other person. This isn't something that I've noticed exclusive to men, my male friend is taken for granted by his girlfriend because he does a lot for her and now she expects it rather than appreciates it. It could be that I pick the same kind of guys all the time but it's just something I've noticed over the years. There are exceptions to it of course.

MiniSquish

Mods you can close this thread, it was over a few musings last night that I posted it and in retrospect I don't really think there's a point in it! Thanks