Total Write Off - 1.8 (Healing) - finished

pickarooney

A little later than expected, here is the final first round match, with BLUE taking on PURPLE on the theme of Healing.

For more details on the competition, see here.

Voting is by poll, with invisible results and open for 5 days. As far as possible, please try and give some feedback for the story you vote for and the one you don't vote for.

Best of luck to BLUE and PURPLE

pickarooney

PURPLE

Fred Coetze leaned back in his chair and gnawed the end of his pencil. "A 90% success ratio, Dr. Massey," he said. "That's an impressive figure. What's the secret of your success?"

The man sitting opposite him; fat, bald and aging would have looked more at home in a fairytale swamp than behind a huge oak desk in an institution like this. He reminded Fred of his editor back at the Bugle, only sweatier.

Massey gave an uncomfortable, thin lipped smile and spread his sausage-like fingers across his desk. "Yes, it's something we're proud of," he said. "No other institution in the country... in the world, can boast such a high success rate. You'll forgive my immodesty if I say it is almost entirely down to my methods. I developed the serum , the treatment method, myself."

Fred nodded and scratched the word 'ego' down onto the yellow pad he held in his lap. "Your method, tell me about that," he said. "How does what you do differ from other institutes for the..." He trailed off, searching for a term which would not alarm the other man.

"The Criminally Insane?" Massey proffered with a nervous laugh.

Fred pursed his lips and nodded. "I was looking for something more politically correct, but that will do."

"Mr. Coetze, political correctness is for the benefit of those who still suffer. Here, our patients get better. They can put their pasts, however... unsettling... they may be, behind them."

"At least, that's the case for those who ever see the outside world again."

Massey's eyes widened. He shook his head to profess a lack of understanding. Fred continued.

"You claim that only 10% of your patients don't see a reversal of their condition. What happens to those people, Doctor? I haven't been able to find records for any visitors; friends, family..."

The other man's eyes froze. His face drained of all colour but for two red blotches on his cheeks. He pushed back from his desk, coughing. "I wasn't expecting this to be an inquisition."

"Answer the question, Doctor," Fred pressed.

"The other patients, we take care of them, we..." Massey replied, shaking his head. "No, I'm sorry." His breathing had become rapid and shallow. "I can't go into specific cases with you. Perhaps, a tour of the facility?"

Massey stabbed at the button on his desk and stood up, patting his coat pockets. The intercom buzzed. "Jonathan, come in here please," he almost shouted.

Fred stood as the doctor's assistant entered the room, but turned back to face the doctor. A good journalist knows to ask questions - even... especially... when he already knows the answers. "What happens to people who don't take to the serum, Doctor?" he said. "What happens to people like your son?"

Massey let out an audible groan and collapsed back into his seat. He shook his head, staring at Fred.

On the other side of the room, the door opened and his stocky blonde assistant stepped into the room. "You wanted to see me, doctor?"

Massey gave no response so his assistant closed the door behind him and stood a waiting further instruction.

"I know everything," Fred said. He tapped his notepad even though what his sources had told him remained locked in his office safe. "At this point I'm just looking for comment."

The awkward pause lasted almost a full minute.

"Alright," the doctor said at last. "Alright then, you bastard. The serum... its almost perfect. In fact, I've been working on it for
almost twenty years."

"Twenty years? That would be since your son...."

"Yes, since my son's incarceration. He's a murderer. A mass murderer, but its not is fault. Don't you understand, he's sick!"

Massey wrung his hands and stood up. He began to pace the room behind his desk, his fingers raised to his temples in frustration.

"Then why not use your serum on him, doctor? Why not make him better?"

There was another pause as Massey considered his response. He stopped pacing and stared into the middle distance.

"Because nine-in-ten isn't enough, Mr. Coetze," he said. "Because my serum is a mixed blessing. Those who take it are either cured of their insanity and made fit to return to society, or reduced forever to a catatonic state. I could never do that to my son."

Fred balked. He had known about Massey's son but never guessed the doctor was essentially wiping the mind's of his patients.

"You're mad," he said. "They're calling you a genius, saying you've revolutionised mental healthcare but you're no better than your son -- murdering a tenth of the people you try your serum on!"

Massey shook his head. "The ratio was once far worse, Mr. Coetze. I've been working on it, improving it for two decades. Eventually, I
will perfect it, and I can save not only the patients of this hospital, but my son as well."

Fred shook his head and turned towards the door. "I'm sorry, Dr. Massey. I have to go. This is insane."

"No!" the doctor roared. He jumped across his desk and grabbed Fred by the lapels. "Jonathan, stop him!"

At the doctor's command, his assistant strode forward and grabbed Fred, his muscular arms holding the journalist in place. "Hold still, Mr. Coetze," he said, speaking in a deep authoritative voice. "You're not going anywhere for now."

Massey walked around the desk and reached inside a drawer. "My serum is a poison, Mr. Coetze," he said. "Just the right amount can cure most cases. But the rest, it exesserbates. An overdose will place even the strongest man in a coma from which he will not escape." He pulled a syringe from the drawer and walked towards Fred. "You should have kept your research to yourself, Mr. Coetze," he said and leaned forward.

"You would have had a much happier life."

pickarooney

PURPLE

The Crow’s Nest is a hidden village, mostly shut off from the rest of the world and surrounded by forest. Its inhabitants have their own rituals and customs, one of which was on show today. It was a special day for one of the village girls. She had been paralysed from the waist down for as long as she could remember. Her family has long prayed to their God, and pleaded to their village healer to help fix her. The healer told them some time ago that when the girl reached the age of sixteen that he would on that day perform a healing that would allow her to walk again. They put their faith in him.

That day had finally come. The whole town’s inhabitants gathered on the edge of the forest to watch the ceremony. It was a day of celebration. There were food, games and festivities planned that would last long into the night. The belief in the town was so strong that there was no one amongst them doubting the faith healers promise. The young girl, in her white ceremonial dress, and her parents took their place in the middle of the circle.
A horn sounded announcing the coming of the healer. From the highest point of the village, he left his dwelling and led a procession toward the people. The procession behind him included a number of women carrying an assortment of items needed for the ceremony. They too wore masks and their bodies were painted with tribal markings. They were followed by the villages leading two males who brought with them the sacrificial goat. The healer himself was clothed in a long, coloured cloak and a black mask to represent the crow. As he descended he boomed incantation as the procession hummed along to his words. His hands were outstretched and his gaze fixed on the sky. His gaze did not leave the sky until he was standing next to the girl and her parents. He lowered his hands onto her head and his eyes locked onto hers. The ritual was to begin.

At first she could not see, as a blinding light shone on her. But as it dimmed she took in her surroundings. The woods were a beautiful place in this sunlight. It was fresh, green and it seemed like everything in the woods were blossoming with life. She felt the odd feeling of grass in between her toes and she loved it. She ran. Running for the first time was an exhilarating feeling, as the wind whipped her hair and took her breath away. The birds seemed to chime along with every stride she took. But with every dance and indulgence of her new gift, the sky and the woods seemed to darken. Dusk swiftly began to take over and diffuse the sun light that once lingered amongst the bark's leafy spire, now it enclosed the woods in hollow darkness as daylight took on a swarthy complexion. The visitor’s unsure hands wandered to help familiarize with their surroundings, as vision became overcast with darkness. The night was now active in full force. Trembling slightly, she looked up to the sky where she found the moon to be a source of comfort. Silvery in sheen, the luminous light it created has caused the blackness of the night sky to acquire a subtle, navy tinge. Seeing the stars gaze down upon her, she had found their familiarity momentarily consoling. Then from where far away she thought she heard the cries of a goat and somewhere much closer she heard the snap of a twig. She whirled around and screamed, as darkness submerged her.



Her eyes opened to a sea of images. The first thing she was greeted with was the gaze of the masked healer, the insane look in his eyes. She heard the godly muttering of the man and the shrieks of the people. Over his shoulder she could see the motionless body of the goat, covered in blood.
“Now stand alone child for God has healed you and you shall WALK!!” roared the faith healer as he removed his hands from her head.
She was urged on by the crowd. She could feel the reassuring presence of her parents at her side. She looked at them and nodded. They let their grip of her arms and go and she was standing their alone. The crowd watched in awe at the power of the faith healing. They watched as she stood there with nobody around her, the ecstasy in her eyes. They watched as it was clouded with uncertainty. The whole town witnessed in shock as she stumbled and fell.

Oryx

PURPLE

Blue handled a lot of dialogue very well. I liked the story line, at first I thought it might go along the lines of Shutter Island, but it had a nicely nasty ending (if a little implausible). Im in a really picky mood today, so please, author, never use 'sausage-like' to describe fingers again. Its such an overused cliché.

Purple was well put together, but unfortunately it's subject is something that just doesnt grab me. I didnt quite understand the reason for the section in italics either, I didnt get how it fit with the rest of the story.

diddlybit

Blue's piece flowed very well and the subject matter was interesting, the dialogue between the two men was had a good rhythm and conveyed the narrative well. Would possibly liked a little more detail on the workings of the institution.

I enjoyed Purple's approach to the theme though I found that the ending was a little abrupt.

pickarooney

PURPLE

I liked BLUE. It moved along nicely and had a great OTT, Igor-it's-alliiiiiiive atmosphere. We could all tell where it was going from the outset but that didn't detract too much from my enjoyment of it.

I liked the theme of PURPLE and feel it could be something special with a rewrite and restructuring.

azzeretti

I liked BLUE. Someone already mentioned Shutter Island and as I read it that was the image I had in my head. Very predictable but well written and an enjoyable read.

I thought PURPLE was strange. It felt to me as if there was 2 different people writing this. The first paragraph, before the italics, I found poor. Then, suddenly, the italics part arrived and I have to say the description of the forest and the darkness was excellent. It continued to the end too.

It's another tough one for me. Almost all of the stories submitted were evenly matched!

Turtyturd

PURPLE

I liked blue and it kept me captivated through til the end. I agree with the whole Shutter Island vibe, although being a Batman fan Arkham Asylum was going through my mind ...predictable buy enjoyable.

Purple was enjoyable also and a good read but the ending left me a little flat. I think an unrealistic upbeat ending may have actually benefitted the story in this case.

Another good two reads, which are evenly matched. And once again two vastly different stories from the same theme. For me that has been one of the highlights of the competition.

Congrats to everyone who entered and to those who progress.

Antilles

PURPLE

Turtyturd wrote: »

Another good two reads, which are evenly matched. And once again two vastly different stories from the same theme. For me that has been one of the highlights of the competition.

Yeah I was just thinking that the standard in this competition has been quite a bit higher than in the usual Variations on a Theme (not that those aren't usually great!). I'd like more of this format in future.

Blush_01

PURPLE

Reading BLUE, I thought "oh WOW". I really liked the writing style, and although there were a few little errors that jarred (is rather than his, for example) it was well crafted in my opinion.

I have a feeling PURPLE might have been the last minute entrant who made the round happen - forgive me if I'm wrong! The story felt a little rushed. I liked the idea of the part in italics describing the experience the girl goes through, and the idea of her falling at the end so we still don't know if she can walk or not.

Really well done to both competitors.

Mr E

PURPLE

Two completely different stories. Well done to both writers.
I thought blue was a better read for me (great dialogue), so I went for that.

Also Starring LeVar Burton

Wasn't really sure which way to vote on this one, as I thought they were equally matched, so I based my vote on which story I'd like to read more of and get more background to the scene that was set, so I went with Purple as it reminded me of the Village...

fona

PURPLE

I voted for blue. I liked the atmosphere and it had me thinking of various movies and books I'd read in the past. Loved the ending. Definitely one that would be interesting to see done with more space for plot to be slowly revealed.

I thought purple was well written too, and I liked the ending... up to that point though it just didn't appeal to me as much as blue.

pickarooney

PURPLE

Congratulations to BLUE who completes the line up for the quarter finals!