Total Write Off - 1.6 (Fire) - finished

pickarooney

COPPER and GREEN go up againsts one another in the sixth match of our first round and the theme this time is Fire. For more details on the competition, see here.

Voting is by poll, with invisible results and open for 5 days. As far as possible, please try and give some feedback for the story you vote for and the one you don't vote for.

Best of luck to COPPER and GREEN.

pickarooney

GREEN

‘Ouch, go easy,’ I snarl at the broad oaf as he pulls the rope as tight as humanly possible. I find myself smirking despite myself at those words – humanly possible. If I were given the opportunity to tighten the coils on him, ‘humanly possible’ wouldn’t come into the equation. Alas, I have never been given the opportunity to do any such thing, and even if I was, I would have abstained. These humans never learn to abstain from anything, least of all anything that harms another being.

The oaf returns my complaint with a grunt, gives one last pull for luck and shuffles away, and for an instant, I am utterly alone in the world. It’s only me, bound to a plinth of wood on a lonely, desolate hillside, awaiting my fate. An unlit pyre rests at my feet, silently warning me that fire will not hold its peace with me forever, and is ready to strike. Surely there could be no situation as dire and hopeless as this one.

Why yes, there could be a situation as dire and hopeless - being in the exact same position, but being innocent. Now that would be the standard definition of hell. Fortunately for me, I am as guilty as they come, and therefore have absolutely nothing to fear.

The procession is arriving, and I can smell anticipation in the air. The folk around these parts love nothing more than a good burning. They’re hoping, some silenty and some not so silently, that I endure the maximum suffering possible, and that my screams of pain will resonate in their memories forever. I suppose there’s nothing quite like watching someone slowly burn to death. They can chalk it down to experience, a story to tell their grandchildren: ‘well, you might be learning more of this fancy arithmetic clap-trap, but I saw a witch burn. Aye, I did, and that got me further in life than your times tables ever will.’

The crowd draws ever closer, but at a snail’s pace, as if they are determined to draw out this event as long as they can to ensure maximum satisfaction. I sigh, and click my tongue impatiently. Someone needs to tell them that I don’t have all day to die.

Finally, the front line of offense arrives. Instantly recognisable is the man who sentenced me to execution by burning. His face displays an expression of maliciousness, his mouth is agape and his eyes are glistening with his thirst for blood. There, standing in front of me, is a creature of pure evil, one that welcomes with the prospect of watching such a torturous event unfold, and moreover, knowing that he is the very cause of it. I make a mental note to deal with this creature as soon as possible, before more innocents are victimised by him and his barbaric methods.

The remainder of the crowd finally assemble and gather in a haphazard circle. Every eye in the vicinity is on me. There is a brief moment of deafening silence, until it is broken by the beast with the bloodthirsty eyes and his heavy footsteps drawing closer to the stake. I meet his eyes for the briefest of seconds. I see gloating and satisfaction contained in them, and my desire for revenge multiplies tenfold. I force myself to look upwards at the lightening sky and count to ten, so as not to ruin everything in one moment of fury, and when my eyes return to earth I see that dark orange flames have replaced a perfect patch of grass.

‘Let the flames cleanse your soul now, while there is still hope. Say goodbye to this world, but perhaps there is hope for the next, if you allow yourself to be cleansed.’ The beast has a voice too, a voice so cold and spiteful that at first it catches me by surprise, until I remember who I’m dealing with. I refrain from rolling my eyes at his words, and once again look skywards.

We really don’t give humans enough credit. The truth is, they are more stupid than we could ever have imagined. Do they really think that on the off-chance that they actually catch a real-live witch, that simply burning her would finish her eternally? The stupidity of it all is quite worrying. They are under the assumption that witches can do ‘magic’...in which case, why wouldn’t she be able to save herself from death? There is no answer to that question, because there is no reason why she wouldn’t. These humans need to think things through more carefully – especially their commonplace use of the word ‘death’ when referring to a witch. I’m a witch, and contrary to what seems to be popular belief, I’m not even able to die, or if I am, I have not come across a suitable method, nor have any of my ancestors and their friends.

The flames would appear to be increasing in viciousness, but I am perfectly content in the safe invisible bubble I have conjured for myself. I will wait until what I deem to be an appropriate time, all the while uttering screeches of torment (admittedly, my favourite part of the whole affair) , and then I will release my spirit from this body, and endeavour to find another shell in which to inhabit, until that too reaches its mortal end.

This really is such a waste of time. I could be doing far more useful things with my time, such as trying out my new brownie recipe. Unfortunately, human stupidity has other ideas. I utter another sigh of impatience, quickly disguise it with a howl of pain, and settle in for a long day.

pickarooney

GREEN

Thay say that when you're in danger of dying you're whole life flashes before your eyes. Seeing a big tanker covered in flames hurtling towards her,Marian found this was true. Gripping her seat she closed her eyes and remembered.

1961
One of her earliest memories. It was christmas morning and the whole family was in the front room gathered around the christmas tree. Her father handed her a package and when she opened it she saw the doll she had wanted for months,along with a beautiful set of clothes. Such a beautiful doll,long flaxen hair,rosy cheeks. She loved that toy and played with it for years afterwards,making clothes from old scraps her mother had lying around. It was eventually passed down to a young cousin but she never forgot her. It brought her into the career she had now.

1971
David Lynch. How she lusted after that boy. She followed him around the school but he never paid any attention to her,preferring the attentions of the older girls or Susan Smith to be precise. Susan was the most popular girl in school,she had everything,waist length hair,platform boots and was on the arm of the hottest guy around. There was a huge scandal when she suddenly left and the rumour started that she was pregnant. David disappeared too. Despite the rumours she still passed by his house every so often,even though it was out of her way..just to check. But he was never there.

1981
She went to work in a department store, there was no money for college and she had to make her way in life. It was great fun mostly,the other staff were nice and they were on one of their customary payday night outs on the town. Marian went up to the bar for the next round. 'Having a good night'? she heard from a man next to her. She turned to answer him but gasped instead, it was David Lynch. He didn't remember her but despite calls from her friends to join them she stayed chatting to him til closing time and as he turned and said, 'let's go to your place', she threw her customary caution to the wind and said yes. The next morning she woke to him throwing on his clothes. 'Are you not staying'? she asked, 'sorry love,the missus will be wondering where i am,catch you around though eh'? She was too shocked to say anything, do anything, just left him walk out the door without a word.

1991
'Mam hurry up we're going to be late'. Marian took one last look at her reflection and turned to face her son. 'Oh mam you look gorgeous' he said, 'but it's time to go, John will be waiting'. 'He'll wait for me son, it's a bride's perogative to be late on her wedding day' she answered with a smile. And she knew John would wait. That's why she loved him,he was a steady quiet man with a heart of gold and he treated her son like his own. She had such a hard struggle in the past, her parents were so disappointed when she came home to tell them that she was pregnant and what was worse she didn't know how to contact the father. Truth was she couldn't tell them who it was, she had asked around and David had indeed gotten Susan pregnant and whats more they had gotten married and had two more children. She felt so ashamed by what she had done that she swore she would never tell them. Instead she had her son and supported by her parents she had done a dressmaking course and was by now keeping afloat by selling her dresses to three different boutiques around the country and had two more interested in stocking them. She was already employing one girl and knew that she would have to take on more staff soon. Times were good. 'Mam, what's a pregogative'? Laughing, Marian ruffled her sons hair and together they walked out the door.

2001
With one son in college and twin girls just started school along with a flourishing business Marian felt her days just weren't long enough. She hardly saw John anymore and she could tell her was getting annoyed with it but by the time she got home at night she was so tired that she usually went straight to bed. She felt guilty too about missing out time with her girls. Just last week Noelle had fallen outside, it was a sunday so Marian was actually at home for once. She held out her arms but Noelle ran to her father instead. Tears pricked her eyes as she realised just how distant she had become from her family. John had rowed with her that night, etlling her she should pick between her family or her business. Didn't he realise that she was doing it for them? So there would be money for college and mortgages and wages for her staff. When she was working late one night the doorbell pinged on the shop door, signalling a customer. She looked up right into the eyes of David Lynch. 'Marian', he said, 'long time no see'. Holding up a bottle of wine he asked her to join him for a drink. Stunned she did as he asked, going to grab two glasses from the break room. 'So things are going well for you', he said, looking admiringly around the room, and then deep into her eyes. 'Yes' she stuttered, god why did he always have that effect on her? 'And the boy'? he smirked, 'what age is he now'?. 'I don't know what you mean', she answered,'what boy'?. 'Oh you know exactly who i mean' he replied, 'our son isn't he'? 'The missus and i split up recently so i though i'd look up a few old flames, rekindle some fires if you know what i mean'? 'I have a flat nearby, few drinks and a chat, what harm'? As he stood there waiting with anticipation lots of things clicked into place in Marians mind, he knew about their son, he had always known, and he also knew that she had told no one about him. 'So how about it'? he asked.

2011
And it had all led her here, to this moment. She cringed as the tanker came within inches but then sighed in relief as it seemed to stop in mid air. 'Oh that was so wicked Mum' shrieked Noelle, 'I could've sworn it was going to hit us'! As the ride came to a stop she saw her husband John, waiting for her as always. He had one arm around their other daughter Samantha and one around their son, David. David was working for a company in Florida but was taking some time off to show them around during their visit. Looking at David Lynch that day in her office she realised two things in particular. One,leopards never change their spots and two, David sr was finally looking like the man he really was. She hustled him out and drove him,first sitting down with her husband and telling him the truth and then a few days later did the same with her son. She offered to introduce him to his biological father but her son turned to her and not really surprising her said, 'but i already have a father, my real father has been with me all this time' and he smiled over at John. She also appointed a manager at work and started spending some quality time at home. Life was perfect and as for fire? Some things can burn brightly but they can always be quenched, in an instant sometimes.

pickarooney

GREEN

I liked Copper. There wasn't much in the way of a surprise in it, but not every story has to have a twist. It's well described and does throw out what I think is an original idea of witches being a separate species, so points for originality and humour there.

Green felt like it was conceived at five to midnight. There's the guts of an interesting story there but it's rather jumbled and imbalanced. This one could have done with more time and a thorough rewrite and maybe a twist.

Hrududu

GREEN

Copper was an interesting story and was well written. I never felt that the protaganist was in any danger though so maybe some tension could have sharpened it up.

I think Green strained to fit the theme. I don't really understand why her life would flash before her eyes on a theme park ride. If it had been a near miss in traffic then maybe.

diddlybit

GREEN

Thought the descriptions of the crowd in the Copper narrative were very strong and it was an interesting take on witchery (?).

Felt that Green's story lacked a little focus and was trying to build a pre-conceived narrative around the theme. Agree with Pickarooney that the tale needed a twist, especially when dealing with family narratives. Liked the format but felt that it was suited to a short story format.

Turtyturd

GREEN

I liked Copper, it gave a nice take on the Witches mythology, as said it may have lacked a bit of tension because there was no sense of danger but it was a nice read.

Green was a good read aswell but it was obvious where it was going from the start...but it's not just a problem for this story. I didn't really get the connection to the theme either other than a passing reference but it has the bones of a good story...and my interest peaked when I thought the David Lynch was appearing.

Blush_01

GREEN

Interesting to see fantasy -v- nostalgia again!

I think COPPER has an upper hand in this one.

Little things about GREEN niggled. Like Thay and etlling etc.

I liked the story COPPER told, though I would have liked to see what could have been done with a longer word count. I think that might have benefitted GREEN more too.

Still, two solid stories.

Oryx

GREEN

Copper was an interesting tale. A touch of humour and a twist on the usual misery of being burnt at the stake. In a few places it pushed home its points a little too hard, and to be picky, two minor points jarred, one where the mc quoted future generations, 'arithmetic and times tables'. I dont think a quote should go forward in time like that. The other was a mention of brownies, which felt too modern to me for the era portrayed.

Green didnt work the theme adequately, it was tacked on at the beginning but had little to do with the story. Otherwise a well told tale, if a little cliched for me. I prefer to have to work harder to figure stuff out.

Mr E

GREEN

Like one of the early battles, I think green's link to fire was pretty weak. It was a nice idea though. I think in this situation, copper was a stronger story and was more engaging.

Memnoch

GREEN

I like the idea that Green takes with the story. It was a novel and interesting way to tell it. But I think for this word count limit it's very difficult to execute an idea like that because each scene is very limited and that makes it hard to create an atmosphere and draw the reader in. It was interesting though.

Copper was fun. I liked the take on the witches and it was an interesting and original twist though I'm not really a fan of paranormal stuff generally.

Both good reads.

keane2097

Much preferred green.

Copper was a pointless story imo, there was no tension at all, nothing happens in it, it's just a description of a person killing time essentially. I don't think the descriptive passages are as strong as is being made out either tbh.

With Green you at least had a character arc, I also thought the structure of the piece was interesting and novel. I think suggestions that the piece doesn't relate to the theme enough are harsh and missing the point somewhat.

Also Starring LeVar Burton

Copper was well written and had the subject matter been different it probably would've trumped Green, for me however when it comes to tweaking the mythology of witches, vampires, werewolves etc. I'm an unbelieveably harsh critic.

I liked the idea Green had - it annoyed me slightly that it was precisely 10 year jumps between flashbacks, but that aside it kept my attention from start to finish, so I went with Green.

Antilles

GREEN

Green reads well but to be honest reads like it was written for something else and then wedged into this competition.

I disagree with the above poster who said its missing the point to find fault with this, too. The idea as I understood it was to write a story based on a set theme, not to wedge a story into two bookends which don't fit it in the slightest bit thematically.

I liked Copper well enough, though as the same person above me said it does just read like somebody "killing time". Where's the conflict?

pickarooney

GREEN

Copper the clear winner there and the sixth quarter finalists. Congratulations!