Total Write Off - 1.5 (Wisdom) - finished

pickarooney

Next up, ORANGE and BROWN will regale us with tales of Wisdom.

For more details on the competition, see here.

Voting is by poll, with invisible results and open for 5 days. As far as possible, please try and give some feedback for the story you vote for and the one you don't vote for.

Best of luck to ORANGE and BROWN.

pickarooney

BROWN

Mercer was waiting in my office when I got there. He was sitting in one of the high-backed leather chairs, which made him look tiny. His feet were dangling a couple of inches from the ground. I've been teaching for almost 40 years and I can always spot a good boy from a bad one. From the moment I saw him I knew Mercer would cause me trouble. He had kept his head down for a long time, but I had my eye on him all the same. I was pretty sure he had been involved in a couple of incidents, nothing major but still things to be concerned about. Some books in the library had been damaged in his first year with us. Some obscene words were written on Mr Addler's blackboard. The fire alarm had been pulled a number of times. Of course I couldn't prove that he had done any of these things. But I knew it all the same.

He was a master of the innocent look. Whenever he caught me watching him he would wheel it out. He was a canny one alright. But this time was different. This time it was more than just fire alarms and damaged books. This time it was theft.

I sat down behind my desk and studied the boy. He looked as if butter wouldn't melt. I let him stew for a few moments. "Do you know why you're here?" he shook his head. "You mean to tell me that you haven't heard about Hadley's watch?" "I know about Hadley's watch." he said. "But I don't know what that has to do with me." I shuffled some papers in front of me and began to read from them.

"At 11:35 yesterday morning you asked to be excused from Mr Jenkins English class." I looked up, he seemed confused. I returned to my paper. "You returned five minutes later. At the end of the class Hadley returned to his room to find his watch was missing." His face was a picture, he was rumbled. "But," he said "I just went to the toilet." I stared at him, saying nothing. My years with boys like this have taught me that silence can be your best weapon. Say nothing and they feel the need to fill the gap. More often than not they end up getting tangled in their own story. The silence continued. "I went to the toilet." he said. "Are you accusing me of taking his watch?"

I sat back and folded my hands across my stomach. "Mercer I am not accusing you of anything. I am merely presenting the facts to you as I see them. When Hadley left his room yesterday morning his watch was in his drawer. When he returned at lunch it was gone." "And I'm the only one to go to the toilet all morning?" I hadn't been keeping tabs on any of the other boys but I could see he was trying to get one over on me. "Yes, you were the only boy to be excused all morning." "That can't be right," he said. "I'm sure others went out. Anyway it might not have been one of us."

The sly little pup. "Are you suggesting that one of my staff would steal from a pupil?" I asked. "I don't know." he said "I don't know who took it, but it wasn't me." When a boy is as brazen as that I find that you need to use more powerful tools to get through to them. Guilt is a particularly effective one. "I want you to tell me what Hadley's watch looks like." I said. He thought for a moment. "Well," he said. "It's a pocket watch, I think it's gold. Its pretty heavy."

"Oh so you've held it?"

"Yeah, Hadley showed it to me."

"A pocket watch is a strange item for a boy to own no?"

"Not really," he said "I think he got it when his Grandfather died."

"That's right. His Grandfather left him the watch. Did you know he was in the war?" Mercer nodded. "A good man, a fine man, its a sad state of affairs when a man like that can't leave his watch to his Grandson without it being stolen." He nodded again, the devil. I drummed my fingers on the desk.

"I'll tell you what I think." I said. "I think whoever took that watch was jealous. Not just of the watch but of Hadley. Who wouldn't be? He has it all. It must be hard seeing that when you don't come from as auspicious beginnings." I could see him tense, it gave me immense joy to have him caught, to have him within my reach. "You can't blame a boy for wanting things he can never have."

He stood up, the cheeky thing, stood up in my office looking affronted. "I didn't take the watch." he said. His hands were curled up into fists and he shook his head as if he was trying to shake away the tears I could see beginning to appear. "I didn't do anything, and you have no right to accuse me." The tears were flowing now, but he still wiped his hand across his face to stop them. I pushed a box of tissues towards him. "Now now Mercer, I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this unpleasantness." He didn't take a tissue, he just stood there trying to stop himself gulping in air.

"Why don't you go back to class for now." I said. He didn't look back. The thing about a boy as bad as that is that you have to be methodical. They don't get broken in one session. You have to come at it a number of different ways. But he knew I was onto him, he knew I had his card marked. And that was the important thing.

pickarooney

BROWN

'You can't put a wise head on young shoulders.'
'What's wise mean, Gran?' I was five and sitting cross legged on the rug in front of the fire. Staring up at my Grandmother sitting in her easy chair, dressed all in black and stinking slightly of cigarette smoke. I found her both awe inspiring and terrifying. She chuckled.
'That's a very good question, love. A very good question'

But I love him! He's special, she just doesn't understand that.'
'Now, now dear, I'm sure your mother understands perfectly. She's had her fair share of loves.' It was ten years on now and the interior of my Grandmothers house hadn't changed much. The same rug, the same magnolia walls. A few new pictures over the mantle maybe, an updated TV set but that was all. I sat on the arm of her chair now rather than the rug.
'This isn't any old love though! He's the one, Gran!'
'Dear there is no such thing as any old love! Love is special and amazing and breathtaking and the first time really is wonderful. And he very well could be the one. But he's the one for who you are right now and you won't always be the same person. It's not fair of your mother to try and stop you seeing him, to say this isn't love because she's not you, she doesn't know how or what you feel but she's just looking out for you, she doens't mean to upset you.' I opened my mouth to protest when the phone rang. 'That'll be your mum, seeing if you’re here. If you start back now I can actually say you're already on your way home without it being a lie.' I sighed. I didn't want to go home and I knew if I protested that she wouldn’t make me but she seemed to know what do or say to make things okay, no matter what the situation. I kissed her on the cheek and and grabbed my coat.
'You can't put a wise head on young shoulders,' I heard her say as I closed the door behind me. I rolled my eyes. She may understand me more than Mum but she still didn't understand that I was smart enough to make decisions for myself.

'His...his...his' I struggled to get the words out through my sobs. 'His secretary.' A fresh wave of tears ran down my face. 'I just don't know what to do. I love him, I really do but I don’t know what to do. How do I deal with this? How can I stay with someone who could dare cheat on me?'
'Don't.' The telephone line was fine, at least it sounded clear but I must have hear her wrong. Surely she wasn’t saying-'Leave the bastard. Stay with me while you sort everything out. I've still got the spare room made up from when you were little.' Suddenly it all seemed so simple. I didn't have to stay with him, I had other options. Somehow that hadn’t occurred to me.

I settled into the easy chair and closed my eyes. Her smell still lingered on it slightly; a mix of cigarettes and perfume. Se had smoked right until the end, refusing to give up no matter what. She hadn't quit when they found the tumour initially, hadn't quit when they told her the cancer had spread, hadn't quit when she found out the treatment wasn't working and that she only had months to live. No matter what anyone said or did she kept puffing away ,refusing to listen. I had expected her to come out with some excuse, some reason that would make it all make sense; some wise words that would explain why she was risking her life, shortening the little time she had left with her friends and family. When she didn't I couldn't believe it; there was no explanation. Essentially she was being stupid,making a mistake. I had never exactly though of my grandmother as superhuman but there had been something about her that made her seem invincible really. She had just seemed so...wise.
I exhaled and a tear rolled down my cheek. I realised now that Gran wasn't that different to anyone else. She had lived a long life and had a lot of worldly knowledge but she wasn't all knowing, she didn't have all the answers. She made mistakes like everyone else, did the wrong thing, put her foot in her mouth. Gran, like me, like the rest of the world, didn't have some secret wisdom that meant she got through everything. She had gone through life like everyone else just doing her best and hoping everything would turn out okay.

Oryx

BROWN

Orange is a tale that gets under your skin, you want to slap the teacher. Its strong and perfectly pitched. I cant fault it at all.

Brown starts off so well but seems to run out of steam at the end, as if it wasnt quite sure how to finish off. The not-so-wise gran lacked the punch it needed to end the story well.

Wow, the standard of this competition has me stumped. Its not an easy thing to choose in these head to heads!

D'Agger

I always think the making of a good story is one that you can see perfectly in your head while you read it - thought both of these stories did that and really enjoyed both

azzeretti

BROWN

I liked Orange. The formatting was bit off putting and sometimes a little difficult to read but it worked quite well. I would have liked it wrapped up at the end but maybe I'm being too critical.

To be honest the Brown's story lost me. I had to reread a few times and I am still unsure if I got it correct or not. It moves from being five and looking up and talking to Gran to modern day where she is asking Gran advise? It is written well but it just confused me a little!

Coin toss really for my vote. I shall re-read both a few times before I cast it!

diddlybit

BROWN

Orange gave me a great sense of unease, the schoolmaster was just so sadistic. Saying that, it didn't really read as a short story, more like an excerpt from a longer piece.

Enjoyed Brown a lot as it brought back many memories for me, my grandmother was a chain smoking also. I would have preferred if the recollection of moments had included a piece that didn't focus around teh woman's relationships. Perhaps a childhood piece in which the grandmother assures her and advicses her on some childhood drama, that is all consuming when we are children, but completely arbitrary to an adult.

Both really strong and well written.

Turtyturd

Orange did a really good job of laying out the scene and the determination of the headmaster to find the boy guilty. I like the fact that we are left wondering if the boy was guilty or not, yet my main criticism is that it ends so suddenly. Not a flaw of the writers though.

For whats worth I think he is innocent.

Brown's for me was really simple and effective. I thought the transitions between time periods just flowed into each other and worked really well. Like how the grandmother was so apt at dishing out wisdom to others but not so quick to follow it herself.

Another tough one.

Killer_banana

BROWN

Orange is very well written, can't find a fault with the writing itself. Like other have saidit seems more like an excerpt but other than that I rally like it. I like that it's never clearly stated whether the boy is innocent or not. That you get to make your mind up. Also the narrator had a very clear voice, you got a sense of the type of person she was instantly.

Brown was a good idea and written fairly well. I think it needs a bit more work though.

Blush_01

BROWN

The pairs all seem relatively evenly matched so far.

ORANGE affected me more, because the teacher was such an ass. I didn't necessarily like it more, but I think it pipped BROWN to the post.

BROWN was a little more predictable. Predictable isn't necessarily bad, but it didn't really stay with me in the same way that ORANGE did.

Two great entries though.

pickarooney

BROWN

Orange blew me away. This was without a doubt the standout piece of the round for me so far. The two characters were wonderfully crafted and the whole scene felt so real. I loved the way it let us look into the mind of a bully with no obvious sense of self-awareness and all the questions it raised. Very polished and tightly written.

Brown didn't really grab me as a story. It's a nice reflection on a lost grandparent but beyond that I didn't care a lot for it. It was not helped by the tough draw.

Mr E

BROWN

I think Wisdom was one of the tougher themes. It's a difficult theme to craft into a story.

Both were pretty strong. Orange was really well written, but I think the wisdom link was tenuous. I think Brown fit the brief better, but could have done with some fine tuning - some grammar/spelling issues jumped out at me.

Also Starring LeVar Burton

BROWN

Both very well written pieces, but gotta agree with Pickarooney - Orange is the best so far. I'm currently reading Skippy Dies and I find it very similar to that, even the style in which it is written, which is definitely a good thing, as Skippy Dies is extremely well written... I'd be interested to find out once the competition is over if the person who wrote this piece has read that novel...

Antilles

BROWN

I'm voting for orange; it was just really well written. Probably the best of the stories I've read so far in this competition, and the quality overall has been very high.

What does it say about me that I'd side with the teacher over the kid? Hmmm

pickarooney

BROWN

Congratulations to ORANGE, who becomes our fifth quarter-finalist!