Total Write Off - 1.1 (The Hunt) - finished

pickarooney

The first round in our revamped writing contest starts today with this the first of the first round matches which pitches BLACK against GOLD on the theme of The Hunt. For more details on the competition, see here.

The rest of the head-to-heads in this round will be going up over the next couple of days and voting will be in the form of a poll for each entry. As far as possible, please try and give some feedback for the story you vote for and the one you don't vote for.

pickarooney

And so it happened that on this morning Art the Prince set out to the north from his fort. He had with him his prize spear, and he rode aloft on his best and trusted steed. Art departed early, for the hunt he undertook was to be different from any he had known before. He carried potions on his belt, the best he could procure from druids in the east. The potions had thus far been powerless. He bore them then as a a token with which to persuade the princess of her great folly in betraying him.

For her broken promise had brought great sadness on the prince, and for a year and a day thereafter the plains and hills had worn a gloomy shroud of darkness. The mists that fell upon the kingdom were piercing and frequent. It had been this way since the princess had broken the heart of the man who would have made her queen. Her spell was more powerful than any known before or since.

Such dark and painful days had not been known in the kingdom in over a score of years. Art's father, the king, had ruled the land poorly. He ruled the land from under a hooded cloak, and from behind a phalanx of men. His servants had fled, and memories of the final days of the king's rule were tainted with his drunkeness and foolishness. The prince and his young mother had fled, seeking refuge with his wise uncle Fionn, the warrior and hunter, and the druids.

It was a summer's day like any other in the city. A bus shifted on its suspension with a blast of hot air as commuters and pedestrians made their way to work, to school, to college, to shop. None paid attention to the young man on a black and silver moountain bike, and it seemed that he harldy saw them. The bus driver shielded his eyes from the glare of the sun on the wet, rush-hour city street. He pulled off from the stop, as a bike sped by along the lane...

With the coming of a dark noon, Art dismounted on the plain south of the river. He knew this place well. This was the place of his training, his learning. He thought back on the many days he'd run the trails. Visions came to him of forests and marshes, and Art could see himself hurdling and sprinting, twisting and dodging, making his way through the thickening growth without breaking a single twig. The years with his uncle had been brighter times. He came to know where to find fresh food, and grew very strong. He felt he could fell trees and toss great rocks with his bare hands.

Coming to maturity, he gained much knowledge from the druids. He felt he might have made a fine poet, if such a title were befitting of one who would be king. It was in this place that he had made the acquaintance of the young princess. He rued this meeting now with a falling of many tears. She had broken both her word and his heart. Donn, a rogue lord in these parts had stolen her hand, and bad times befell the kingdom.

A year and a day of harp-song, prayer and potions had done nought to re-ignite the great torches of the sky, and the once generous goddess of the land had been barren in the season. Sitting on the bank of the river, he thought of nothing but restoring happiness to the kingdom. It had fallen with the breaking of his heart, and Art knew that only the heart of his rival could resolve his sad station. He knew of the lord's fondness of riding in this territory, and prepared himself for a pursuit.

The lunchtime tram went swiftly along the canal. Some passengers chatted quietly, some read the free local rag, some children played music on their phones. As she stared out the window, one passenger spotted the man on the bridge. His visage was pale behind several days worth of stubble, and the way this man gazed into the water troubled the woman.She started towards the Emergency Stop button, but, seeing the man climb onto a bicycle and leave, stopped and sat down again in relief...

He had found them first in the store-houses in the afternoon. Art watched, his jaw rigid, as the princess surveying the treasures of the lord's store. He maintained his distance. Her spell would be broken at night. His stalking continued. Art watched, shaking then, as the terrible couple made their way towards their palace. Some time later they reappeared, this time in chariot, blown by the winds towards a great banquet hall on the other side of the forest. Art used all his speed and strength to follow them, taking every short-cut through the woods, though mists and darkness blinded him. He cried, thinking how cruel it was for them to celebrate while such torment racked the land.

And so night fell with a blakness and a bleakness to match the previous 366. Art crouched behind bushes, his targets in his sight. They stepped merrily to their carriage, each footstep taken together like a blow to the prince's face. Art shuddered as distant thunder and howling winds raged around him. For the final time he took flight, retracing the path towards the palace. His hunt was coming to its end. His prey, Donn's black beating heart, would soon be his treasure.

Art quickly made ground, and drew forth his great spear as he neared the palace boundaries. The final moments approached. The princess saw him first, and let out a great shriek of dismay at the sight of her foresaken lover. The sound did not deter him. Spear raised high, he charged for the Donn with a tortured cry.

Too late, he skidded as he tried in vain to halt his charge, as the princess threw herself before Donn. The spear struck them both, and Art saw for the first time in over a year her great beauty. All three fell, but Donn rose once more to his feet. A crimson stream bathed the ground at their feet as Art faced his foe. The princess lay on the ground. Art knew, suddenly and finally, that his cause was hopeless. As Donn staggered towards him, art failed to arm his spear. He held it to his chest as he fell, and the thunder grew louder.

Great flashes of lighting tore and shattered the sky. Art, clutching the wound in his breast, whimpered to the sky as a screaching raven took perch and tore at his shuddering shoulder.

The windows of the estate were suddenly illuminated, and sirens wailed as the first ambulance rounded the corner. A crowd gathered. Some cried, some were stunned to silence, and others ran to the three young students in the garden at the middle of the avenue.It was clear that two were dead,a knife plunged in the rib-cage of the bigger one. A girl who would have been beautiful wailed to the four corners of the land, and pills scattered the grass as she dragged the slain bear off the all that remained of her boyfriend.

pickarooney

‘After ten long years the hunt has finally come to an end, Osama Bin Laden has been shot dead in Pakistan’. Like the rest of the patrons in the bar I sat glued into the T.V, unlike most of them however I fail to share their sense of joy or optimism. To her credit the news anchor does her best to hold back the tears but it doesn’t last long, the inevitable stream gushes forth washing away any sense of professionalism. I couldn’t help but wonder what she was crying about, how many people had she lost to this so called war on terror? Had she had to kiss any of her kid’s goodbye, wondering if she was ever going to see them again? somehow I doubt it, it’s amazing what money can do in this country. It didn’t take long for a chant of ‘USA’ to break out amongst the small number of patrons, it made me cringe so I kept my focus on the TV, avoiding eye contact with any of the participants. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed I’m not the only one, a young woman does her best to blend into the small booth where she sits, eyes firmly locked on the screen of her cellphone, features illuminated by it’s glow. Images of what I am going to do to her race through my mind bringing a smile to my face and a sense of anticipation to my mind, tonight she’s the lucky one.

An hour passed and the bar had all but emptied out, the celebration would be continued at a party, no invite had come my way and I was glad. Tonight was looking like a waste of time, the unexpected wave of patriotism and celebrations caused by bin Laden’s death had messed up my plans. The young woman would have been perfect, an out of towner trying so hard to fit in amongst the trendy LA natives, like most she made a good attempt with her half shaved haircut, piercings and tattoos in all the right places but there was always something about them that gave away the fact that they were not from here. Maybe they tried too hard to blend in, or maybe it was the look of loneliness meets disappointment that they couldn’t hide no matter how hard they tried. My attention had been on the celebrations and TV screen that I didn’t even notice her leaving. She would have been my third victim, I hated that word it made me seem like some kind of animal who stalked these women. I was far from an animal, I was a hunter and they deserved to be victims. It had been weeks now since the last one and I was convinced I would be safe to go again, but they ruined it. Maybe I was being too hard on them, this was never a sure thing plenty of times I had tried picking one up only for it not to work out, although this place was different. This place was lucky, it had worked the last time I came here. There must have been hundreds of other bars in LA like this, dimly lit, and stank of the horrible combination of stale alcohol and cigarette smoke. But this had one difference, it was widely known for its slack ID policy which made it the perfect place for all of those that had come to LA with stars in their eyes to find comfort once they realised that they had been sold a lie. But tonight I was going home alone.

As I was about to leave the rain outside caught my attention. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of it against the window, it was calming. The anger and tension of tonights failed hunt slowly eased away, there would be other nights, other hunts. The calming sound was drowned out by heels clicking across the wooden floor of the bar, I closed my eyes and concentrated hoping I could tune into the sound of the rain against the window but it was no use, the heels got louder and louder. ‘I’ve been sitting over there all night waiting for you to come over a try chat me up but it looks like I am going to have to put the effort in?’. Startled I sat upright to be greeted by the young woman who had earlier disappeared into her booth obviously not eager to partake in the impromptu bout of patriotism. ‘I’m just shy’ I mumbled shuffling over in the alcove as she put her coat next to me and her drink on the table. Maybe all my thoughts of failure had been premature.

She pulled me by the collar of my jacket towards the door. ‘Lets get outta here’ ... ‘ A club?’...’No, a motel’. Her name was Kristen, we had been sitting talking for about two hours, she told me how she had been watching me since I came into the bar hoping that I would come talk to her, that I had something she wanted, something she needed. She had bought me drinks, which as she put it was a thank you for the company, I had listened to her life story but it was worth it, I was right, she was here hoping to make it big. This was going to be the easiest hunt so far. I hailed a cab as she stood under the shelter a canopy and lit a cigarette. ‘You mind if she smokes?’...’No, just get in’. I held the door as she slid across the seat, as I followed her she gave the driver an address. She leant into me as the cab pulled off, and I felt my eyes get heavy, my last thought was that I didn’t have that much to drink, within seconds darkness engulfed me. The memories that followed were hazy, being helped from the cab, falling onto a bed, her undoing my pants and throwing them up by my head, the faint sensation of pain, her talking on the phone, then darkness again. When I came to I instantly knew what had happened. My head pounded, even the thought of moving hurt. I reached my arm around feeling for my pants. I was so shocked to feel it in my pocket that the pounding in my head stopped for a split second. I pulled it out and a slip of paper fell from it onto my chest. I lifted it up and scrolled my eyes across the words scrawled on it ‘call 911 if you want to live’. I sat upright for a second before blinding pain from my side caused me to black out again...

Oryx

Im giving it to Gold this time. I thought the stories were pretty evenly matched, but Im not much into the overblown style of the first one, and I just preferred the plot of the second.

In story one, some of the descriptions didnt work from me (mists dont pierce, and ruling from behind a cloak AND a phalanx of men?). Plus the final description of a guy as a bear in the last paragraph belonged to the mythical part of the story, it was jarring to put it in the 'real' part. Other than that the story was well put together but I thought it would have worked better if it switched from one aspect to the other more.

Story two badly needs a rewrite, I did wonder if it was one of the more rushed ones. The tenses jump around a bit (something I fail at myself). Yes, you could see the ending coming a mile away, but the cliffhanger was a good touch. While it feels a little rough around the edges, I just prefer this type of story.

Memnoch

GOLD

I also felt both stories were fairly close and it wasn't easy picking one over the other. Both went for irony and did a decent job of it. The endings were also fairly predictable. I'm going for black as I enjoyed it a little more. I felt gold was a little more convenient in the hunter being hunted.

pickarooney

Much of a muchness here, with Gold edging it for me. A couple of stylistic niggles aside (the tenses are really all over the shop in Gold's story and in a few instances in Black's there are ill-fitting words or overly fanciful ajdectives) these are strong entries.

Regarding the endings, I was wondering where Black was going all the way to the end and was still kind of WTFish when it was over. Gold's was very predictable I felt.

Gold could do with a bit of a polish but I'd actually be more interested in seeing what Black could do with either a rewrite or an extended wordcount.

azzeretti

GOLD

I agree with the comments above. GOLD reads like it was rushed and feels like a first draft. The ending was very predictable but had a kind of "SAW" feeling about it - which was good.

The BLACK story was strange for me. I like the fantasy element but the switching back and forth didn't really work for me. Would someone really jump to an emergency stop chord just because they saw someone who looked sad out of the window? The last 3 lines didn't sit right with me, the whole bear thing confused me to be honest!

Edited to remove who I voted for.

smcgiff

Agree with a lot of the comments above. I'm not going to reveal who I voted for. I think the poll being anonymous is a good idea, and we should not reveal in the comments who we vote for to keep it completely unbiased.

Enjoyed both stories, but was disappointed with the finish in each.

Either, for different reasons, would be a worthy opponent in the next round.

D'Agger

GOLD

Enjoyed reading the stories tbh - I was mainly looking to see how the stories are structured here as I'm hoping to go back and dabble in some creative writing - haven't done anything since the Leaving Cert.

I'm also not trying to be critical but thought this line was a bit confusing:

She would have been my third victim, I hated that word it made me seem like some kind of animal who stalked these women. I was far from an animal, I was a hunter and they deserved to be victims

A hunter stalks its prey I would've thought and also the character saying they hated the word 'victim' yet using it twice in quick succession - was a bit miffed by it tbh

No disrespect to the author intended btw just found it a bit curious

Hrududu

I thought they were pretty evenly matched. Both did some things well and both had pitfalls. But nothing a polish couldn't sort out.

I kind of liked the jumping from myth like part to real life part in Black's story. But I have to admit I got confused at the end. I'm not sure what the bear thing was about. It also reminded me a little of that case where the ex boyfriend stabbed the new boyfriend and then himself, so that made me a little uncomfortable.

I thought Gold's story was more predictable but I liked the writing style. It was clean, if you know what I mean. The tenses did jumble up a bit but I'm guilty of that myself. Another draft and that would have been sorted out. I did like the hunter being the hunted but I was a little disappointed that it went for the cliche ending.

But I enjoyed reading both.

Mr E

I liked them both too. It was close, but I went for Gold in the end. The story flowed better for me (the jumping periods in Black were a bit jarring).

Good start though! Looking forward to reading more.

Nice idea making the poll results hidden... it helps to reduce bias on the voting.

pickarooney

You'll also have to comment on your own stories or some super sleuthy type will work out who wrote what.

smcgiff

pickarooney wrote: »

You'll also have to comment on your own stories or some super sleuthy type will work out who wrote what.

Also keep an eye out for...

Story X was marvellous, only a cretin could not see its genius, never has such promise been show with so few words.

Story Y lacked all imagination but will appeal to the proletariat

:D:D

Insect Overlord

GOLD

pickarooney wrote: »

You'll also have to comment on your own stories or some super sleuthy type will work out who wrote what.

I remember in a previous competition that only voters who posted were counted. Will that be the same here?

I'm going to have to read both of these stories again to fully make my mind up.

I'd agree with a lot of what's been said already though. They're both fairly dark. One seems to be written in an experimental style. The other clearly wasn't proof-read. Black jumps from one era to another, but Gold is very much in the here and now. Gold seems to work well, in that it's based on a formula that's been winning for the last decade (the Saw series, CSI/SVU/NCIS-type drama, Charlie the Unicorn :pac:) but, again, is fairly predictable. Black is more fairy-tale, but also has a predictable enough tragic end. I think Black stayed closer to the theme of "The Hunt".

It's a great first head-to-head to open the competition anyway.

pickarooney

Insect Overlord wrote: »

I remember in a previous competition that only voters who posted were counted. Will that be the same here?

Not this time. With the number of individual threads it just wouldn't be workable. Only registered users can vote now though, which was a glitch in the early days. Not that I reckon anyone ever would have cheated.

Turtyturd

As with the other stories it is hard to come up with anything that has not already been said, both did stuff well and both had clichéd moments.

I really enjoyed the experimental style to Black's story, although I wanted was left wanting more story from the real world. I also think it would have worked better if the events of both the myth and real world ran parallel to each other and mirrored each other a bit more.

As for Gold, the ending is predictable and seems slightly rushed after so long being devoted to building it up. And as has been pointed out the tense's are all over the place. The cliffhanger was a nice touch though.

Again two strong entries.

Slow Show

GOLD

I wasn't even going to post because everything on my mind has already been said, but I suppose I better help maintain the secrecy of it all.

In my opinion, Black was well-written (minus a few problems with tenses and it was a little confusing) and I liked the language whereas I quite liked the plot of Gold and it felt a lot more accessible as a short story, although admittedly it did feel a bit rushed.

Indeed, echoing the sentiments of everyone ever.

Killer_banana

GOLD

Okay so most of this has been said before but I'll say it again anyway.

I liked the mixing of the two styles by Black although I think more real world would have worked a bit better. That said I originally thought it was going to be a clichéd route for the theme 'hunt' so the twist on it was very nice.

I liked Gold as well although it did seem quite rushed. I know a lot of people saw the end coming a mile away but I didn't. Then again the words the POV character was using such as victim and stalking e.t.c had me thinking it was going to turn out to be a killer picking up victims rather than the obvious guy picking up a date (too much Criminal Minds ) so I guess that distracted me from it.

Overall two very evenly matched stories which, with some polish, could be very very good.

diddlybit

GOLD

Enjoyed them both though I was surprsied that I liked Black's one. I'm not usually a fan of fairytale motifs, but enjoyed the slicing between myth and reality. It made the themes of lost love and jealousy seem quite timeless, destoying the idealism of chivalrous narratives and diminishing the significance of all-consuming love in the modern world.

Enjoyed Gold's too as I'm a sucker for a urban myth, and enjoyed the twist at the end.

Tough choice.

Also Starring LeVar Burton

GOLD

As everyone else has already pointed out both stories are very evenly matched and it's far too hard to see a clear winner...

I based my vote purely on the story I liked best (structural and gramatical errors aside, as to be fair with a couple or rewrites that stuff can be fixed in both stories)...
I liked both stories, but thought GOLD was the type of story that has been done over and over again (Dexter and Saw immediately spring to mind), so I went with BLACK for the unique approach of the same tale happening in two era's at once...

Blush_01

GOLD

I'm genuinely at a bit of a loss as to which I should vote for. I enjoyed many elements of both, and they're both pretty evenly matched.

I suppose I'll have to look to which one I can remember best, having gone away and come back. Although I disliked the intermingling of "fact" and "fiction", I remember BLACK better. I felt a bit of a disconnect between the beginning and end of GOLD which makes me think there might have been much more to the story given more time or a greater word count.

Well done to both GOLD and BLACK for an impressive start to the festivities!

Aoibheann

GOLD

Bump! Seeing as this is about to drop off the front page, and the poll closes tomorrow.

I actually really liked the idea of intersplicing fantasy and reality in BLACK (it's something I wish I'd used in something I've written in the past, and I'd feel bad about robbing the idea now >_>). There's a couple of adjectives that I don't quite think work, but I liked the story itself, and I have to agree with pickarooney that I'd love to see it after a rewrite, or with an extended word-count. I also agree with Blush that I found it that bit more memorable.

As regards GOLD, I quite enjoyed it, though I feel the ending was a tad rushed, and again it would probably benefit from an extended word-count. I thought it flowed nicely excluding a few issues with tenses and grammar, but these are again things that could be easily fixed.

Great start to the competition, I think either entry would be deserving of a chance in the second round, and good luck to both entrants!

Antilles

GOLD

Both stories had a lot of potential but to be honest I don't think either of them lived up to what they could have been.

Things I didn't like:

Black:
I felt the story was fairly predictable from early on. The language in the "mythic" parts was a bit strained as well; I think it was trying to highlight the fantastical elements of the story but it didn't quite work. Sometimes as well the "mythic" language seems to bleed into the "real" parts; e.g. "four corners of the land," "his visage was pale." Also; a mist can't pierce anything, and if you pull the emergency stop button on a tram it be an emergency or you better leg it - there's no just sitting back down again at that point!

Gold:
The sentence about victims doesn't work. If he hates the word then when does he talk about how they deserve it just sentences away? Also, the ending came from nowhere. It could have worked really well if you'd worked something about the urban legend in earlier on, but without that it felt cheap.

I'm going to go with story over writing here and give my vote to Black.

pickarooney

Congratulations to BLACK, our first quarter finalist!

Mr E

Wow! Very tight! Well done black!

diddlybit

GOLD

That was really, really close. Fair play to both contributors.