Think my roomate has a drug problem - what should I do??

freeth

Basically I've been living with my roommate for about 2 months, she's a mate I met in work and I think she has a problem on hash/weed...

I've absoloutly no problem with people smoking weed or anything i do it myself sometimes but she smokes it pretty much every single day.. She always says she's 'heading out' but doesn't say where then comes back stoned off her face.

The problem I have is that she never wants to DO anything and i feel like conversations are totally one way with her, me asking questions and her responding. I'm getting really frustrated but don't know what to do! I own the apartment so I'm not gonna move out but I don't know if I could bear the incredible awkwardness of discussing it with her..

ANYONE got advice??
Thanks...

LegacyUser

I really think its you that has the problem..seriously she is respecting you by not smoking in the house, she pays her bills etc so what business is it of yours what she does on her walks? she doesnt pay the rent to have deep and meaningfulls with you. if you were to be so ridiculous as to say you either give up or move out then you will be down a room mate and a friend. your call but just leave it. hash cannot kill you. it makes you a bit dozy and lazy but thats it.

LegacyUser

The only advice I have OP is mind your own business. Smoking every day is not unusual. Is this the first time you've come accross it? Maybe you've led a sheltered life?
It's none of your business as a flatmate. Even if you were a friend it would still be none of your business. I'm not really sure why you think it's anything to do with you?

ElleEm

It's none of your business, OP.

It sounds like you're more put out by her not wanting to chat with you and do stuff with you than you are by the actual smoking.
She is entitled to do whatever she wants- if you are uncomfortable with it, then give her notice to move out, but don't be using her smoking hash as an excuse for her being antisocial. Maybe she just doesn't wanna chat/ spend time with you.

skooterblue

Move out!!! Drug addicts are a lost cause and will drag you down with them and they steal and lie.

Get out now

Milky Moo

skooterblue wrote: »

Move out!!! Drug addicts are a lost cause and will drag you down with them and they steal and lie.

Get out now

Reactionary much!? The girl is smoking some weed not shooting up heroin!

There is only a certain amount anyone can smoke in a day, it is not a drug that needs constant feeding.

Also I don't think there has been ever a reported case of ODing with it.

Where does it say in the post that she has been stealing from the girl? or that she is effecting her life negatively?

From what I see the only thing is the lack of conversation. For all we know the room mate might not even want to speak for lengthy periods of time with the OP regardless of whether she has been smoking or not.

OP it is your housemates life, maybe it isn't the healthiest thing to smoke it everyday, but it is her decisions, I suggest you keep out of her business. If she ever comes to you saying she thinks she needs to cut down, that is the only time you should get involved.

baby and crumble

To be fair, if you own the apartment then actually she's a lodger. I'm sure you could ask her to move out if it's bothering you that much, or if you think she's smoking it in the house. It's your house after all.

personally I think you might have more of an issue with the fact that she doesn't want to talk all that much, and tbh I sympathise with her. I live with a girl who won't shut up and I like my space a lot. So maybe it's just a case of the incompatibles.

Miss Fluff

She always says she's 'heading out' but doesn't say where then comes back stoned off her face.

:eek: You're not her mother or legal guardian. Why should she tell you where she's going. It's none of your bees wax!

The problem I have is that she never wants to DO anything

Sharing an apartment with someone means different things to different people. Maybe you had idealised visions of a Thelma & Louise bosom-buddies pyjama party chick-fest where as she sees it as a convenient arrangement.

and i feel like conversations are totally one way with her, me asking questions and her responding.

What kind of questions? Maybe if she is a bit stoned she could find this a bit of an ordeal every time she comes home you're there asking her questions.

I'm getting really frustrated but don't know what to do! I own the apartment so I'm not gonna move out but I don't know if I could bear the incredible awkwardness of discussing it with her..

It's not like she's using your kitchen as a crack den ffs. She has the odd spliff and what she does on her own time and on her own watch is entirely her own business. It only effects you if she's disrespecting your property or not paying bills on time.

ANYONE got advice??

Yes, mind your own business

Cianos

You say you work with her...is it effecting her performance in work do you think?

While it doesn't sound like she necessarily has a problem, it does sound like your lifestyles are quite different, you more upbeat and chatty and she more passive. If you're after a different type of roommate and it's making you unhappy then maybe it's time one of you left.

prinz

Try to discuss it with her as a friend if you think it is having a negative impact on her life. Or give her notice to move out.

freeth

i realise a lot of people are telling me to mind my business but the thing is she is my friend aswell as my roommate, we met through work but don't work together anymore.

I have lived with people before and never had a problem like this, nor did I envision girly sleepovers as one person suggested(!)

I have told myself countless times that it's nothing to do with me but unfortunately it is.. often I'm left asking for rent/bill money cos she hasn't got it, despite working full time. She's told me herself the amount she spends on it and its fair chunk of a weekly wage.

It's not like I sit at home and pounce on her with questions when she comes in, but just having normal back and forth conversations is a struggle...it's a shame cos shes great craic sometimes.

A lot of people getting very defensive about this..? It was only a question!

freeth

Cianos wrote: »

You say you work with her...is it effecting her performance in work do you think?

we don't work together anymore, we did for about a year though.

freeth

zoegh wrote: »

personally I think you might have more of an issue with the fact that she doesn't want to talk all that much, and tbh I sympathise with her. I live with a girl who won't shut up and I like my space a lot. So maybe it's just a case of the incompatibles.

yeah i agree that that probably is an issue, but im a fairly lax person myself and like to be on my own, but we're talking basic flow of conversation here, at any time!

Sorry for this multiple posting by the way, still figuring out the site...

ollie1

I can't believe how many of you are saying mind her own business. She should tell her to stop she is friend and if my friend was doing that everyday I know I would say something to them.

I am a friend

ollie1 wrote: »

I can't believe how many of you are saying mind her own business. She should tell her to stop she is friend and if my friend was doing that everyday I know I would say something to them.

I agree!

So many people just want to chug along, not face any hard realities or have any hard conversations - that's how people die from drugs!! The above attitudes of 'leAve her alone" turn my stomach.

Op, sit her down and ask her and keep asking her til she talks. It's very easy for her to move on to harder drugs and you might be able to help her in dome way before that happens.

HavingCrack

I am a friend wrote: »

I agree!

So many people just want to chug along, not face any hard realities or have any hard conversations - that's how people die from drugs!! The above attitudes of 'leAve her alone" turn my stomach.

Op, sit her down and ask her and keep asking her til she talks. It's very easy for her to move on to harder drugs and you might be able to help her in dome way before that happens.

Oh, ffs, this is hysteria at it's worst. I don't want a debate here but comparing cannabis to heroin and crack and other 'hard' drugs does no favours to anyone. Cannabis has been proven not be a gateway drug anyway. It's not as if the OP has found a meth lab in her front room.

Now, if as you say, OP she isn't paying her rent because she's spending all her money on weed it's a separate issue. If she isn't able to afford the rent it isn't really your concern as to why she can't, she either cuts down on her smoking or is out the door for non payment.

S23

I have to love this. The 'mind your own business' brigade. It's the OP's appartment and she's left waiting on rent because her roommate doesn't have it but 'mind your own business' OP. Of course it's her business if the person who lives in her house is constantly stoned off her head and late with rent/bill money. And even if she wasn't late with bill/rent money the OP still owns the place so has every right to decide that she doesn't want to put up with some fcuking stoner meandering around her home all day every day.

Get a grip. As for all the 'hash can't kill you' 'it's all harmless' that's all boll*cks anyway. Any addiction can be harmful. A lad I went to college with used to smoke hash all the time and was out of his box a lot. He walked out in front of a car because he wasn't paying attention and ended up in hospital for months. It didn't kill him but it fcuked him up pretty badly. It was the car that did the damage but it was being stoned off his fcuking head that led him to wander out in front of it. Having your moods or behaviour modified by any substance on a daily basis is dangerous

I wonder if the OP was saying 'my roommate goes out and gets pissed everyday and is completely incoherent everytime I try talk to her' would people be telling her to mind her own business?

For all any of us know, because the drug use doesn't take place in the appartment, she could be using less socially acceptable (because thats what hash is in some quarters) drugs.

Long story short OP. If the living arrangement is making you uncomfortable or leaving you short of rent/bill money, or both, in the home you own then tell her to shape up or fcuk off. A real friend wouldn't want their substance abuse to make you feel unhappy in your home and a real friend wouldn't stiff you for rent while they were off spending the money buying hash/beer/smokes/whatever

I am a friend

HavingCrack wrote: »

Oh, ffs, this is hysteria at it's worst. I don't want a debate here but comparing cannabis to heroin and crack and other 'hard' drugs does no favours to anyone. Cannabis has been proven not be a gateway drug anyway. It's not as if the OP has found a meth lab in her front room.

Now, if as you say, OP she isn't paying her rent because she's spending all her money on weed it's a separate issue. If she isn't able to afford the rent it isn't really your concern as to why she can't, she either cuts down on her smoking or is out the door for non payment.

Did you see the more 'easy for her to move on to hard drugs' bit?? Yours is the hysterical reaction.

HavingCrack

I am a friend wrote: »

Did you see the more 'easy for her to move on to hard drugs' bit?? Yours is the hysterical reaction.

I have no idea what that post means.

Chucky the tree

S23 wrote: »

I have to love this. The 'mind your own business' brigade. It's the OP's appartment and she's left waiting on rent because her roommate doesn't have it but 'mind your own business' OP. Of course it's her business if the person who lives in her house is constantly stoned off her head and late with rent/bill money. And even if she wasn't late with bill/rent money the OP still owns the place so has every right to decide that she doesn't want to put up with some fcuking stoner meandering around her home all day every day.

The OP never said anything about late with bills/rent in her first post. I can't see how her being late with bills/rent can be such a big deal if she compelte leaves it out of her first post. Her main gripe seems to be the fact she doesn't spend all the time inside having conversations with the OP.

S23 wrote: »

And even if she wasn't late with bill/rent money the OP still owns the place so has every right to decide that she doesn't want to put up with some fcuking stoner meandering around her home all day every day.

huh? The OP room mate works all day, then goes somewhere else at night to get stoned. How exactly is this considered "meandering around her home all day every day? :rolleyes:

S23 wrote: »

I wonder if the OP was saying 'my roommate goes out and gets pissed everyday and is completely incoherent everytime I try talk to her' would people be telling her to mind her own business?

Reading seems to be difficult for you. The OP never says her roommate is incoherent, she just doesn't engage in much conversation. If the friend got drunk, came home everyday and did nothing to annoy the OP except not talk to her then yes everyone would be saying the mind her own business.

S23 wrote: »

For all any of us know, because the drug use doesn't take place in the appartment, she could be using less socially acceptable (because thats what hash is in some quarters) drugs.

And so what if she is?

S23 wrote: »

Long story short OP. If the living arrangement is making you uncomfortable or leaving you short of rent/bill money, or both, in the home you own then tell her to shape up or fcuk off. A real friend wouldn't want their substance abuse to make you feel unhappy in your home and a real friend wouldn't stiff you for rent while they were off spending the money buying hash/beer/smokes/whatever

I agree, if the OP wants some to have deep meaning full conversations about everything and anything she should ask her to move out. But goodluck finding a new roommate who spend all her time in every night chatting for hours on end.

S23

It's irrelevant if you can't see how it can be a big deal for the OP if she didn't mention it in her opening post. Your opinion of how big a deal it is or isn't doesn't change the fact that the OP isn't getting paid money she is due. She attributes this to the roommate spending her money on drugs. That is, quite simply, unacceptable in my opinion.

I never said the roommate doesn't work. However she quite clearly spends time in the appartment and is stoned when she does so. So yeah what I posted originally isn't precisely whats happening but the OP has every right to not want someone under the influence of illegal substances in her home.

I never claimed the OP said her roommate was incoherent. I was merely making a comparison between a person under the influence of differning substances. You can claim people could tell her to mind her own business if

the friend got drunk, came home everyday and did nothing to annoy the OP except not talk to her

and maybe people would say that. They'd still be wrong though. It's the OP's home and she has every right to not want someone constantly under the influence of anything sharing her home with her.

So what if shes using other drugs? Are you trying to be obtuse. I don't know if she is or isn't but can you not understand that if the roommate was on heroin, coke or whatever else then she might not be the kind of person the OP wants to live with? Surely that can't be too hard for you to fathom.

To be honest I think the OP might be looking for a bit much in terms of a roommate who wants to sit around and banter all the time. It's a little bit too much like something off a tv show.

However shes perfectly entitled to not want to share her home with a person who is constantly under the influence of illegal substances. People can quote all the surveys they want about how good, bad or whatever else hash is for you but the bottom line is that they are illegal.

Chucky the tree

If she has a problem with the flat mate not paying her bills on time then kick her out, it doesn't matter if she is spending it on drugs, drink or shoes. However considering the title is about her room mate having a drug problem, and not about her room mate not paying rent then it seems that the fact she is using drugs is more of a bother to her. If the OP doesn't want someone under the influence in her home she should kick her ou. But in future the OP should compile at list of things that are acceptable to the OP when she is finding a new room mate, would save her a lot of hassle.

Dublinstiofán

Move out, Its not your problem, dont make it one!

freeth

Chucky the tree wrote: »

I agree, if the OP wants some to have deep meaning full conversations about everything and anything she should ask her to move out. But goodluck finding a new roommate who spend all her time in every night chatting for hours on end.

this is frustrating! i'm not saying that she wont sit down with me and have big long conversations,im talking about basic communication here! i like my space as much as the next person and having some one up in my face the whole time would kill me. i personally don't have the time to be sitting up all night chatting for hours, but its nice if you and your roomate [and might i add, friend!] can have some kind of basic rapport, laid back style i mean.

AdmiralRazor

Maybe you should confront her about it, if you're genuinely concerned?

If she doesn't ease off the stuff after, say, two months then you should consider a more extreme tactic, i.e. asking her to move out.

I've known several individuals who nurtured casual addictions to cannabis, one of whom I was unfortunate enough to share a living space with; it quickly becomes a frustrating and monotonous bad habit to witness.

prinz

S23 wrote: »

I wonder if the OP was saying 'my roommate goes out and gets pissed everyday and is completely incoherent everytime I try talk to her' would people be telling her to mind her own business?

+1, and not even pissed. If I was living with a mate and they would disappear for a few hours almost every single day and return smelling of booze acting a bit out of it as a friend it would be very difficult to "mind my own business". If it's a friend it IS your business.

If the OP had said 'I think my friend and roommate is suffering from depression' would the solution still be mind your own business? An eating disorder?

dearg lady

OP, just wondering, as you've been friends with this girl for a while, were you not aware of this before she moved in?

On the smoking hash thing, I'm with most other posters, mind your own business. But as regards paying rent/bills late, that's not fair. It's up to you really, speak to her about the bills and see if the situation improves, if not you may have to ask her to move out.

28064212

The reason for the room-mate's actions are totally irrelevant. Two alternative hypotheticals for you to consider OP:

• Your room-mate smokes all the time, but always pays the rent on time, and interacts with you
• Your room-mate doesn't smoke at all, but still has the same behaviour she's exhibiting now i.e. late with the rent, no interaction

Which would you have a problem with? The second one, correct? So your problem is not with her drug use, it's with her behaviour.

Lay down the law with the rent. Tell her she has to have it on time, you're sick of getting your money late. Changing her behaviour will be more difficult, because frankly, she doesn't owe you her time. Lots of people barely see their room-mates from one week to the next, accommodation is just somewhere to sleep. If you want a room-mate that you can be friends with, you have to be a lot more strict about your renting criteria

I am a friend

My take on this is that OP is more worried about her flatmate cos she sees things escalating (e.g. bills etc) following her flatmates suspected drugs use. I read it that she is worried about the girl cos her lifestyle, interactions and overall demeanour is changing.

She just happens to notice it more cos she is her flatmate..

freeth

My problem is with the drug use because it is causing the behaviour.
I knew prior to her moving in that she did smoke it and would have the odd spliff, or so she told me. But literally the day she moved in she was there rolling a joint in the living room and it's been the same every day since. The only times I can't vouch for are the times I was not here!

The money situation is linked to it but not my primary concern, as she usually pulls it together in the end.

I completly understand where people are coming from on the whole 'mind my own business' front and I have told myself this time and time again! She makes me feel guilty for not being in the apartment. For example when I had to go away for two weeks for work she referred to it as 'abandonment'... She always complains to me that she is not happy in work but she never has motivation to do anything about it and I don't think I'm being dramatic by saying it's at least partly to do with smoking weed every single day, several times a day.

She is my friend and I'm concerned about her but I'm also getting annoyed, not so much at her but the situation. I'm tired of her coming home and being so stoned you can't even talk to her, or having her fall asleep on the couch with the tv blaring every night.

I know a lot of people are telling me I'm being dramatic or to just tell her to move out but it's a little more complex than that I suppose. And by complex I mean uncomfortable and awkward!

28064212

freeth wrote: »

My problem is with the drug use

It's really not.

freeth wrote: »

because it is causing the behaviour.

If you could choose for her to either stop smoking or to change her behaviour (but not both), which would you choose?

freeth wrote: »

She makes me feel guilty for not being in the apartment. For example when I had to go away for two weeks for work she referred to it as 'abandonment'...

Do you think that she wouldn't talk like that if she wasn't smoking?

freeth wrote: »

She always complains to me that she is not happy in work but she never has motivation to do anything about it and I don't think I'm being dramatic by saying it's at least partly to do with smoking weed every single day, several times a day..

Again, this is not exactly uncommon behaviour, it's displayed by lots of people. If anything the weed smoking is as likely to be a symptom as a cause e.g. she smokes because shes unhappy, not the other way around.

Overheal

Your flatmate is likely being so evasive and secretive toward you because as I gather from your post you seem like the type who would be unsure how to react or even intolerant of marijuana use. Basically, she doesn't trust you. And how often do you engage in casual discussion with people you don't trust?

LegacyUser

Would all the people who are saying that the poster should mind her own business, and who are saying that it's no big deal have the same opinion if the poster said her housemate had drink taken every night?
I know that there are more dangers associated with alcohol, but say her housemate was within the rda of alcohol units, but is the type of person who is easily affected by alcohol.
Just say the housemate is not falling about the place drunk, but has still taken enough that their conversation ability is lessened, and is either behaving the same way as the posters friend is, or else just being annoying by being abit tipsy and stupid every single evening.
Being stoned or merry are both reactions to drugs that other people will start to find annoying if they have to witness and live with it every single day.
Spending too much on either cannabis or alcohol so that you are sometimes short or late on your rent is also a problem in both cases.
I think the poster would have gotten much different replies if the drug in question was alcohol, even if friend was within the rda limits.
There would no doubt be people saying that her friend might have a drink problem if she feels the need to drink every day, and that she should sit her down to talk about it.
There would also no doubt be people saying that they couldn't bear having to listen to a slightly intoxicated person every evening, and that it would be too annoying to live with.
Well the op finds living with a person who is stoned every single day annoying.
So just because some of you would be fine with someone who is stoned because they are just being quieter in conversations, or at worst being affected to the point of laziness, doesn't mean that plenty of other people wouldn't find this very annoying to live with.
I have to agree that some people definitely do get very defensive over cannabis smoking.
Some would find it very easy to criticize someone who drank every day, and would easily understand why someone who was slightly drunk every day would be very annoying, but as soon as the drug is cannabis, it's all like oh well she's not shooting up heroin, leave her alone, it's none of your business, there's no harm in being stoned, how could you find that annoying etc etc
Well living with someone who is constantly stoned every evening can be annoying to some people, and the poster has every right to feel annoyed about it if it bothers her, and she also has every right to feel concerned bout her friend if she feels that it is negatively affecting her friends life.

I am a friend

freeth wrote: »

My problem is with the drug use because it is causing the behaviour.
I knew prior to her moving in that she did smoke it and would have the odd spliff, or so she told me. But literally the day she moved in she was there rolling a joint in the living room and it's been the same every day since. The only times I can't vouch for are the times I was not here!

The money situation is linked to it but not my primary concern, as she usually pulls it together in the end.

I completly understand where people are coming from on the whole 'mind my own business' front and I have told myself this time and time again! She makes me feel guilty for not being in the apartment. For example when I had to go away for two weeks for work she referred to it as 'abandonment'... She always complains to me that she is not happy in work but she never has motivation to do anything about it and I don't think I'm being dramatic by saying it's at least partly to do with smoking weed every single day, several times a day.

She is my friend and I'm concerned about her but I'm also getting annoyed, not so much at her but the situation. I'm tired of her coming home and being so stoned you can't even talk to her, or having her fall asleep on the couch with the tv blaring every night.

I know a lot of people are telling me I'm being dramatic or to just tell her to move out but it's a little more complex than that I suppose. And by complex I mean uncomfortable and awkward!

Have you talked to her about it?

prinz

Overheal wrote: »

Your flatmate is likely being so evasive and secretive toward you because as I gather from your post you seem like the type who would be unsure how to react or even intolerant of marijuana use. Basically, she doesn't trust you. And how often do you engage in casual discussion with people you don't trust?

So secretive and evasive that on the day she moved in she was in the shared living room rolling a joint? The OP knew before the friend moved in that she engaged in marijuana use yet the OP still allowed her to move in, where has the intolerance been shown?

The OP has a friend who is engaging in daily drug use. Whether it's alcohol or anything else, it would be remiss IMO of any friend to look the other way if they were concerned about a friend's behaviour. Some friends.

Katgurl

I lived with a friend who I knew a few years, we both like our nights out and fond of the booze.

When we moved in together I became increasingly aware that those heavy-heavy nights were much more frequent for her than me and that there was never a break between them - I tend to go on detoxes or cut out booze for periods of time when Im training for an event. Add to this, drinking at home some evenings. Plus, drinking before a night out as walking into a party sober was impossible.

I was shocked. Yet, as i said, I am far from a teetotaller so I felt like a hypocrite. And her behaviour wasn't affecting me personally (apart from borrowing money which was irritating at the end of the month but she always paid me back).

But the more I saw her sleeping in for work / passed out on the couch still in her going-out clothes / watching unpaid debts pile up, the more distressing I found it.

She has a really wellpaid job and could never make ends meet from one month to the next. She was getting up some mornings and going in without showering in the clothes she slept in. There were a string of men she wasn't interested in coming out of her room.

Now she is sick and the specialists have told her to stop drinking and she is ignoring that, maintaining she can manage the pain.

I don't live with her anymore but we're still close and I regret never saying anythign to her. I am going to speak to her about it, just trying to find the right time / words. I intend to highlight my concern, not my judgement.

I do understand people saying mind your own business but it is hard to watch a friend get themselves into a state repeatedly.

I do think as a friend, you owe her the awkward conversation. Tell her that you care about her and you are concerned that she smokes every day. Unfortunately, if she doesnt' wanna hear it, there is not much you can do but at least you will have tried.