Jealous Wife

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one, sorry about the essay and thanks to those who manage to read it all.

So I started a new job a few months back. Basically, it’s my dream job and I’m enjoying it far more than I thought I would. I had to go back to college to retrain (leaving us very short of money for a few years) and we have had to move closer to Dublin to ease the daily commute but now I have a job I will be doing (and more importantly be happy doing) until I retire! Everything as perfect... or so I thought.

Before I go on, just to point out that my wife is amazing. We have been together 5 years, have two young kids and are best friends. She is the love of my life and generally we have a great relationship.

We started to have a few problems just after I got the job though. I am the only guy working in the office (9 girls) and my other half isn’t taking it well. She knew it would be like this and before I started she used to joke about me being surrounded by women all day. It’s apparently not funny anymore now that it’s a reality. She has herself convinced that all the girls in the office have one thing on their mind... me. Nothing has happened to suggest anything like this is going on and I have tried to explain to her that even if it did, she is the only person I want to be with so there is nothing to worry about. She gets worked up whenever I mention any of the girls (and I only ever do in a work capacity... “such and such had a to email the admin after the system crashed” ) and we end up having blazing rows. All of a sudden she doesn’t trust me and I honestly have given her no reason not to.

At first I could understand, it’s only natural that she was weird about the situation, I’m sure I’d be the same if she was working with loads of guys. But we have since had countless conversations about the situation and regardless of what I say she is now convinced that I am the devil in work. It's actually getting worse as the weeks go by. I do get on well with all the staff and the odd time I would get a work related text from one of them which may end up turning into a social conversation (how was your weekend, etc) but my OH thinks that is out of order. That they have no reason to text me outside of work and clearly they have ulterior motives.

I thought it could just be stress from us moving county but she has settled really well and is actually closer to her family and friends now than we were before. So it's not that.

It’s now gotten to the stage where I hate talking about my day. When I don’t talk about work she wants to know why I won’t talk, but when I do, she ends up getting upset if I mention anyone which leads to a repeat row. I can’t win. My dream job is becoming less and less fun as the weeks go by for a stupid reason.

So has anyone ever experienced anything similar or have any advice. I’m going to show her this thread so we can discuss it again with outsider’s views.

Am I just being unreasonable to think that she should be supporting me more and not giving me the third degree?

Thanks lads.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I'd avoid the social text conversations with workmates. Sure its a bt annoying but its gotta be a bit traumatic for your wife for you to be surrounded by a harem of women you get on with for 8 hours a day.(and they're probably all gorgeous in her imagination)

Maybe ensure to make her feel special, like send little texts or call her during the workday if possible.

If she still doesn't stop the jealousy then she has to realise she has the problem and get off your back. this can't go on long term

Distorted

Does she have any reason to be jealous (e.g. past behaviour?).

I find the texts outside work a bit odd. It means your colleagues at work have your personal mobile number, and I can understand a partner getting a bit annoyed at extensive, as opposed to emergency, or one-off, texts with workmates outside work.

Motley Crue

I'm afraid it looks like your wife has the problem. As you said you've been given a good job, retrained to get it, and are working in a profession now different to one you did previously. I also take from your tone that you're not a teenager so this is a job for life and a job you want to do. But while you've taken all these choices you have given little explanation as to what she does, and how she has reacted to all this change, especially with two young children.

dreamjob wrote: »

I can’t win. My dream job is becoming less and less fun as the weeks go by for a stupid reason.

How long has it been since your wife gave birth to your last child? The reason I ask is because some women feel (and in some cases not without virtue), having given birth, that they are just left at home to raise the children and forgotten by their husbands. Perhaps finding the time to go to the cinema or dinner together, finding the time to have a night together at the weekend where it's just you and her, this could give her some reassurance of your feelings towards her - even if you're reading this thinking there might not be a problem, she obviously feels insecure about something

dreamjob wrote: »

Am I just being unreasonable to think that she should be supporting me more and not giving me the third degree?

Yes and No, she is a human being too, and her fear (that you'll run off with one of these women, as crazy as that might sound to you) while she changes nappies and you go to work every day and see women dressed could mean she needs a little more affection. Talk to her about her, ask her about going out and spending time with the two of you alone (she will need a break from the children just as much as you get every week in work)

You seem to be a hard worker, you've done a lot to achieve your goals, do you mind me asking if you've an active sex life with your wife or have time for any of that?

After a few weeks, try and arrange a social on a Friday with the girls from work, and introduce your wife to them in a relaxed environment. That way she will see their nice women, doing a job and they don't want to rob her husband. And by that stage it will probably be silly anyway that she ever felt that way.

diddlybit

She could be adjusting to the fact you have this new great job that makes you happy, whereas previously she and the kids were the main things that made you happy. Couple this, with the stress of moving, and the fact that now you work with a lot of women, and she might be projecting any stress or insecuriites onto your work situation.

As BoS said, make her feel special as to alleviate any isecurities, however, I can't help feel that this might be a symptom of something, rather than the problem. It seems to be quite irrational behavior, or has she always be prone to jealousy?

What is her own day to day life like? Is she happy with her situation? If not, perhaps this is out of frustration and possibly a little resentment that you have the great job.

Any chance that you could get her to accompany you to a work do or work social drinks so that she can see that these women aren't after you? Or is that unfeasible?

Count Duckula

Is colleagues having your personal phone number so weird? A few of my workmates have my personal phone number because I'd consider them friends. You spend eight hours a day with these people, why wouldn't you be friends with some of them?

omahaid

Count Duckula wrote: »

Is colleagues having your personal phone number so weird? A few of my workmates have my personal phone number because I'd consider them friends. You spend eight hours a day with these people, why wouldn't you be friends with some of them?

Yes, I second this. The suggestion that a persons co-workers should never send a social text is bizarre

It's unfortunate that's the way she feels. If you have tried to reassure her and it's not working then she should seek counselling as she may have some insecurity issues.

LegacyUser

Op here. Thanks for the replies everyone.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I'd avoid the social text conversations with workmates. Sure its a bt annoying but its gotta be a bit traumatic for your wife for you to be surrounded by a harem of women you get on with for 8 hours a day.(and they're probably all gorgeous in her imagination)

Maybe ensure to make her feel special, like send little texts or call her during the workday if possible.

If she still doesn't stop the jealousy then she has to realise she has the problem and get off your back. this can't go on long term

I try to call her everyday at lunch but I see what you mean, will try to send her the odd little text too Thanks for the reply BoS

Distorted wrote: »

Does she have any reason to be jealous (e.g. past behaviour?).

I find the texts outside work a bit odd. It means your colleagues at work have your personal mobile number, and I can understand a partner getting a bit annoyed at extensive, as opposed to emergency, or one-off, texts with workmates outside work.

No reason to be jealous. We've both been 100% committed since day one. This is a new thing altogether.

Regarding the phone, I'm out of the office a lot but have to be in touch at short notice, so everyone has everyones number.

The social text are few and far between, just general chit chat that may have been discussed at lunch. Nothing very personal mind but I see what you mean.

Thanks for the reply distorted

Motley Crue wrote: »

I'm afraid it looks like your wife has the problem. As you said you've been given a good job, retrained to get it, and are working in a profession now different to one you did previously. I also take from your tone that you're not a teenager so this is a job for life and a job you want to do. But while you've taken all these choices you have given little explanation as to what she does, and how she has reacted to all this change, especially with two young children.

How long has it been since your wife gave birth to your last child? The reason I ask is because some women feel (and in some cases not without virtue), having given birth, that they are just left at home to raise the children and forgotten by their husbands. Perhaps finding the time to go to the cinema or dinner together, finding the time to have a night together at the weekend where it's just you and her, this could give her some reassurance of your feelings towards her - even if you're reading this thinking there might not be a problem, she obviously feels insecure about something

We are both early 30s.

Our youngest just turned 3. She had a sticky post natal patch after our first but the second was a dream pregnancy. It's tough to juggle but we still managed to get out for a night every other weekend. Could do more though.

Motley Crue wrote: »

Yes and No, she is a human being too, and her fear (that you'll run off with one of these women, as crazy as that might sound to you) while she changes nappies and you go to work every day and see women dressed could mean she needs a little more affection. Talk to her about her, ask her about going out and spending time with the two of you alone (she will need a break from the children just as much as you get every week in work)

Generally we are really affectionate. Still cuddle on the couch watching tv, hold hands all the time but obviously kids add a different dimension to things.

Motley Crue wrote: »

You seem to be a hard worker, you've done a lot to achieve your goals, do you mind me asking if you've an active sex life with your wife or have time for any of that?

After a few weeks, try and arrange a social on a Friday with the girls from work, and introduce your wife to them in a relaxed environment. That way she will see their nice women, doing a job and they don't want to rob her husband. And by that stage it will probably be silly anyway that she ever felt that way.

Sex life is not what it was 5 years ago but we are both happy with it. We are both usually shattered during the week so it's more often than not confined to the weekend. Not ideal but we talk a lot to make sure we are both happy with the amount and what not.

Social with the work folks is a great idea. A few of the girls go out every friday, so I'll ask herself if she'd like to head out.

Thanks Motley.

diddlybit wrote: »

She could be adjusting to the fact you have this new great job that makes you happy, whereas previously she and the kids were the main things that made you happy. Couple this, with the stress of moving, and the fact that now you work with a lot of women, and she might be projecting any stress or insecuriites onto your work situation.

As BoS said, make her feel special as to alleviate any isecurities, however, I can't help feel that this might be a symptom of something, rather than the problem. It seems to be quite irrational behavior, or has she always be prone to jealousy?

What is her own day to day life like? Is she happy with her situation? If not, perhaps this is out of frustration and possibly a little resentment that you have the great job.

Any chance that you could get her to accompany you to a work do or work social drinks so that she can see that these women aren't after you? Or is that unfeasible?

She works from home part time and minds the kids (no easy task!!) It will be a lot easier from september (one of the little ones off to play school) but she loves her work and adores her time with the kids. This is our first real jealousy issue, which makes it all the harder if that makes sense.

Thanks diddlybit

LegacyUser

Op here

Count Duckula wrote: »

Is colleagues having your personal phone number so weird? A few of my workmates have my personal phone number because I'd consider them friends. You spend eight hours a day with these people, why wouldn't you be friends with some of them?

omahaid wrote: »

Yes, I second this. The suggestion that a persons co-workers should never send a social text is bizarre

It's unfortunate that's the way she feels. If you have tried to reassure her and it's not working then she should seek counselling as she may have some insecurity issues.

Thanks for the replies guys.

I wouldn't consider any of them friends yet, still early days in the job, I think thats why she has the issue of them socially texting.

She never had a problem with my old work pals texting me.

Wompa1

I'd agree with some of the others. I'd knock off the casual text messages, you have enough time at lunch or work outings or whatever to talk casual with them. It spilling into your home time or time with the wife is a bit much. If they have become your friends then maybe introduce them to your wife so she can gauge if she can trust them after she meets them.

Corkblowin

I agree with the suggestion that you're going to have to introduce her to them,and it may require you to arrange a few drinks or a dinner for it to happen. You wife is imagining all sorts of scenarios, and unfortunately these are always far worse than anything that could happen. She needs to see the reality and hopefully once shes met them things will calm down.

LegacyUser

i think it's important to get to the reason why she's feeling this way. it doesn't make sense to me that she'd be more jealous of you being around the same female co-workers all day than she would be of a rotating cast of college women.

i've been that woman although it seemed like i was being jealous for no reason, there was actually a reason, unrelated as it may have been. it is only after figuring that out that i managed to make any progress. so my advice to you would be to see if you both can turn the rows into discussions in which you only seek to reassure her and try to impress upon her the importance of her figuring out for herself what has changed. you could also encourage her to stop entertaining such destructive thoughts when she gets into that mindset. she needs to understand that what she is doing is hurting both of you, and the stress it is putting on the both of you may even be affecting your children. maybe that will get her to really think hard about what's going on in her head to cause her to act this way.

BraziliaNZ

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I'd avoid the social text conversations with workmates. Sure its a bt annoying but its gotta be a bit traumatic for your wife for you to be surrounded by a harem of women you get on with for 8 hours a day.(and they're probably all gorgeous in her imagination)

Maybe ensure to make her feel special, like send little texts or call her during the workday if possible.

If she still doesn't stop the jealousy then she has to realise she has the problem and get off your back. this can't go on long term

It's unfortunate that he may have to change his not unusual behaviour because of his wife's insecurities. He's doing nothing wrong. I work with mostly women at the moment and there's zero flirting or any of that going on, and I'm not even married.
I really think if this was the other way around, a guy saying his mrs works with a load of blokes and he's jealous, he'd be told to buck up and accept reality and stop being so pathetic. She's in the wrong here, OP you're doing nothing wrong buddy, just tell her a relationship without trust isn't really worth much.

gargleblaster

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

just tell her a relationship without trust isn't really worth much.

Telling her that your relationship with her isn't worth much is supposed to help somehow?

I understand that wasn't what you were trying to say, but that is how it could be interpreted by someone who is apparently already under the impression that he's unhappy with her.

R.D. aka MR.D

I had this problem with an ex- I was the jealous girlfriend!!

Therefore I would suggest that meeting up might not be the best thing to do. What happened with me was that there was flirting going on. One of the girls blatantly flirting with him right in front of me!!! We ended up having a huge argument because he said she wasn't flirting with him etc etc.

Another time one of the girls who he worked with was just plain rude to me and it made it all worse! I thought she was being rude because she like him blah blah blah.

So meetings can backfire when it comes to the mind of a jealous lover!

Honestly, I don't think he ever cheated on me with anyone who he worked with. I was jealous because I was afraid to lose him and we were weren't seeing each other as often as I would have liked. At the end of the day it was my own insecurities. It's terrible to admit this but the only time i felt better was when he would say bad things about them (she's annoying, shes got a big bum).
The worse thing he could do was say I was being silly and of course there was nothing going on.

It was all very irrational and I'm ashamed of how I behaved now.



Best of luck!

ppink

I kind of agree with the last poster and think the social is not a good idea right now.
I have seen several incidences where a woman will say/do/look in a certain way that will just make the probelm into a mountain

I know one where a secretary commented on how so and so was "such a really nice guy" to his wife......it led to a row on the spot, hubby and wife leaving early under a big cloud of misery and him never attending a work function again.

If I was you I would work on reassuring her first, sometimes we just need that reassurance.........and I would cut out the social texts for now too.

Fittle

Right so, I'll say it.

You both struggled, on little money (I assume she supported you) while you studied for this dream job.
This is your dream job. Not her dream job.
You moved away from her hometown (I assume) to be closer to your dream job.
You are together for 5 years, with two young children.
Which leads me to believe that she is home alone, all day everyday, with two children under 3, in an unfamiliar city with little, if any, support while you are at your dream job with 9 women in the office, and no other men.

And you can't even understand that your wife might be a tad insecure:rolleyes::rolleyes:

inexperienced

op, i think you are a very considerate husband trying to find ways to solve your wife's jealousy issue instead of blaming her.

i can see that it is very stressful to be blamed for something you have not done.

i hope you can keep on being that considerate to her and be gentle and loving and supporting. meanwhile, i do agree with one poster that you need really to sit her down and tell her that her unnecessary jealousy is stressing herself and yourself a lot and it's very destructive to the relationship. encourage her to look into why she is that insecure even you affirm her nothing has/will happen. apologise if you have ever been insensitive to her difficulties etc but also encourage her to control her own mind and stop when the destructive comes.

i hope you guys can go through this and that your relationship would be able to turn to a new page of deeper understanding between each other.

LegacyUser

Op here. Thanks for all the replies guys and girls. Given me loads to think about. Particularly about organising a night out. Will have to think that through properly.



Thanks for your reply fittle. Just to clarify a few things.

Fittle wrote: »

Right so, I'll say it.

You both struggled, on little money (I assume she supported you) while you studied for this dream job.

I worked all the way through college except for the last few months coming up to exams.

This is your dream job. Not her dream job.
You moved away from her hometown (I assume) to be closer to your dream job.

True, my dream job not hers.

You assume wrong about the other point though. If you reread the opening post, I said that we have actually moved far closer to her hometown (only 10 mins drive away from her parents / school friends etc). She originally moved down to my end of the country when we first met.

You are together for 5 years, with two young children.
Which leads me to believe that she is home alone, all day everyday, with two children under 3, in an unfamiliar city with little, if any, support while you are at your dream job with 9 women in the office, and no other men.

She is in a very familiar town, she works from home so her mum is down every day minding the kids for a few hours and her sister works 2 mins away so she pops in for lunch a lot of days too. She also walks most days with her best friend from school who has a little girl same age as our eldest.

And you can't even understand that your wife might be a tad insecure:rolleyes::rolleyes:

Yes I can, if you reread the first post you will see that I did understand, just not why it's still ongoing.

Sorry for picking your post out of the bunch but seems like you didn't really read my post properly and felt like ranting at me Honestly, we have a wonderful life, are blessed with two beautiful kids and two very supportive families. This is just a blip on the radar. I'm doing my best to sort it, thats why I'm on here. I'm trying really hard to reassure her but obviously I need to do more, I know that. So while I dont agree with your post, I appreciate the reply

LegacyUser

livinginfear wrote: »

i think it's important to get to the reason why she's feeling this way. it doesn't make sense to me that she'd be more jealous of you being around the same female co-workers all day than she would be of a rotating cast of college women.

i've been that woman although it seemed like i was being jealous for no reason, there was actually a reason, unrelated as it may have been. it is only after figuring that out that i managed to make any progress. so my advice to you would be to see if you both can turn the rows into discussions in which you only seek to reassure her and try to impress upon her the importance of her figuring out for herself what has changed. you could also encourage her to stop entertaining such destructive thoughts when she gets into that mindset. she needs to understand that what she is doing is hurting both of you, and the stress it is putting on the both of you may even be affecting your children. maybe that will get her to really think hard about what's going on in her head to cause her to act this way.

Thanks for the reply

Great to get a womans perspective who can understand the situation. I hope to show her this thread tomorrow so will make sure to point out your post Thanks

LegacyUser

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I had this problem with an ex- I was the jealous girlfriend!!

Therefore I would suggest that meeting up might not be the best thing to do. What happened with me was that there was flirting going on. One of the girls blatantly flirting with him right in front of me!!! We ended up having a huge argument because he said she wasn't flirting with him etc etc.

Another time one of the girls who he worked with was just plain rude to me and it made it all worse! I thought she was being rude because she like him blah blah blah.

So meetings can backfire when it comes to the mind of a jealous lover!

Honestly, I don't think he ever cheated on me with anyone who he worked with. I was jealous because I was afraid to lose him and we were weren't seeing each other as often as I would have liked. At the end of the day it was my own insecurities. It's terrible to admit this but the only time i felt better was when he would say bad things about them (she's annoying, shes got a big bum).
The worse thing he could do was say I was being silly and of course there was nothing going on.

It was all very irrational and I'm ashamed of how I behaved now.



Best of luck!

Thanks for the reply RD. Sorry to hear that your fears ended up being partly true

I can honestly say though that nothing resembling flirting is going on with my work mates. I'm one of those annoying guys who talks incessantly about his wife and kids during the day (wallet is jammed with photos too) I know how lucky I am and I wouldn't risk ruining it for anything or anyone!

LegacyUser

inexperienced wrote: »

op, i think you are a very considerate husband trying to find ways to solve your wife's jealousy issue instead of blaming her.

i can see that it is very stressful to be blamed for something you have not done.

i hope you can keep on being that considerate to her and be gentle and loving and supporting. meanwhile, i do agree with one poster that you need really to sit her down and tell her that her unnecessary jealousy is stressing herself and yourself a lot and it's very destructive to the relationship. encourage her to look into why she is that insecure even you affirm her nothing has/will happen. apologise if you have ever been insensitive to her difficulties etc but also encourage her to control her own mind and stop when the destructive comes.

i hope you guys can go through this and that your relationship would be able to turn to a new page of deeper understanding between each other.

Thanks inexperienced

At the start I was patience personified about the whole thing but yes I have blown my fuse lately. I bite my tongue as often as I can but maybe need to bite a bit harder. Normally I can read her like a book so I guess not knowing whats going on in her head properly is making me more frustrated. Thanks for your reply

Emme

Hi OP. Maybe your wife's imagination is working overtime but she's at home all day with the family and may have an idea, based on what she's heard about other working women, that the women in your office are predatory and out to get you. Particularly when you're the only man there. Are the 9 women single? If you told her that she might be feeling a bit insecure. Would her friends or family be fuelling her fears? Maybe somebody is jealous of her having a good hardworking husband and is saying hurtful things about you and the girls in the office.

It mightn't be a good idea to introduce her to your colleagues yet. You obviously see the good in them but women don't always see the best in each other and aren't always nice to each other.

Could you take your wife away for a romantic weekend where she'll get some pampering and you can have a really nice time together? She deserves it after being so patient with you over the last few years.

fungun

I think the post on understanding why she feels this way is the key one. If she has no reason to, why does she feel this way? What triggered it? She needs to analyse herself to figure this out.

Also agree with the comment that if the sexes were reversed in this topic, people would be saying cop on; if you cant trust your wife when she goes to work its your problem, not hers.

Depending on how well you can talk about this, I think the right tactic might be to have a chat about this with her, explaining that of course you want her to feel better about it, but also focussing on what can be done to make it better, and asking her to try to understand why she feels this way.

If your workmates are a bit flirty I would not suggest meeting up, but if they are not then it might be a good idea. Or how about bringing your wife in for lunch to meet them (saying she was in the locality) maybe so she can see the workplace and see how you work. Sometimes when its left to your imagination, you just imagine the worst.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

Hi OP. Maybe your wife's imagination is working overtime but she's at home all day with the family and may have an idea, based on what she's heard about other working women, that the women in your office are predatory and out to get you. Particularly when you're the only man there. Are the 9 women single? If you told her that she might be feeling a bit insecure. Would her friends or family be fuelling her fears? Maybe somebody is jealous of her having a good hardworking husband and is saying hurtful things about you and the girls in the office.

It mightn't be a good idea to introduce her to your colleagues yet. You obviously see the good in them but women don't always see the best in each other and aren't always nice to each other.

Could you take your wife away for a romantic weekend where she'll get some pampering and you can have a really nice time together? She deserves it after being so patient with you over the last few years.

Thanks for the reply Emme

Most of the girls in work are married and settled themselves, two are just out of college but have boyfriends as far as I know (dont talk to them that much). The one I socially text with mainly is in a very similar situation to us. She is married with 3 kids, so we have a good bit in common, hence chatting more (about the kids mainly).

I never really thought about someone else fueling the fire. She has one friend who is a total drama queen but I can see no reason why she'd say anything like that?

I've decided against bringing her out for a social night (for now anyway). I dont go out normally with them so it may look odd if I start organising something now.

And I have a weekend in London planned for the end of the month with her as it happens It's primarily a work thing for me but will have free time. I'll make sure to bring her for a few hours shopping and organise a few spa things for the hotel maybe!

Thanks Emme

LegacyUser

fungun wrote: »

I think the post on understanding why she feels this way is the key one. If she has no reason to, why does she feel this way? What triggered it? She needs to analyse herself to figure this out.

Also agree with the comment that if the sexes were reversed in this topic, people would be saying cop on; if you cant trust your wife when she goes to work its your problem, not hers.

Depending on how well you can talk about this, I think the right tactic might be to have a chat about this with her, explaining that of course you want her to feel better about it, but also focussing on what can be done to make it better, and asking her to try to understand why she feels this way.

If your workmates are a bit flirty I would not suggest meeting up, but if they are not then it might be a good idea. Or how about bringing your wife in for lunch to meet them (saying she was in the locality) maybe so she can see the workplace and see how you work. Sometimes when its left to your imagination, you just imagine the worst.

Thanks fungun

I'm going to have a sit down with her tonight and let her read this thread. We can talk about anything generally so it's time to sort this out before it becomes a proper issue.

Total agree that its easy to imagine the worst.

Emme

dreamjob wrote: »

I never really thought about someone else fueling the fire. She has one friend who is a total drama queen but I can see no reason why she'd say anything like that?

Drama queens can be odd. A lot of them are very insecure under the surface and sometimes they cause trouble for the sake of it. In other cases they have overactive imaginations and make mountains out of molehills. This woman could well be fuelling your wife's insecurity albeit unintentionally.

Wompa1

Emme wrote: »

Drama queens can be odd. A lot of them are very insecure under the surface and sometimes they cause trouble for the sake of it. In other cases they have overactive imaginations and make mountains out of molehills. This woman could well be fuelling your wife's insecurity albeit unintentionally.

That's a good point just like lads do lad type stuff because of what their friends might say or think of them. Women also sometimes let their friends be the puppet masters..depending on their personality I guess.

Have been on the end of so called 'friends' planting ideas in a partners head. Unfortunately that works on some people.

tinkerbell

Ok there should be no reason why your wife is jealous of you working with a load of women. You're in a professional environment, not a night club. Her insecurity needs to be addressed though. Don't do things that will make her upset, e.g. responding to social texts / calls from work colleagues out of office hours. If someone texts you regarding work, reply (obviously - it's work related). However, if it turns into a social conversation, don't reply. They'll eventually get the message. Also, if they ask the next day why you didn't reply - just say you were busy or whatever.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I'm a bit like your wife, except that I've always been a bit of the jealous type, its not a new thing for me. My husband is one of those people who's friends with an awful lot of girls, although he has male friends too. He is a real joker type too so is always joking around with them. He also went back to do a college course which had a 1:5 male to female ratio. What helped me get over it was thinking about it in a logical way. Of the maybe 100 girls in his course, he was obviously not going to be having an affair with all of them and I had no reason to suspect one girl over another - I knew he was friends with groups of people/girls, rather than spending a lot of time with any one girl in particular. That might sound like a cold/logical way of looking at the person you love and trust, but jealousy is irrational so it helped me to look at things like that.

Likewise, you could say to your wife - she obviously doesn't think that you are having an affair or doing something you shouldn't with each of the 8 women you work with, but yet she has no reason to suspect one woman over another. It might help to rationalise the situation. I'm sure you've already explained that they are work colleagues who you chat to socially at lunchtime etc, the same way you would if they were male.

I see what people are saying that having your wife meet these women might not work out and what you are saying, that arranging a night out might look a bit contrived.

For me, I found meeting the girls helped. Even meeting the good looking ones! I saw the way they interacted. I saw my husband laughing and joking with them and he was the exact same as he is with his male friends. There wasn't any girls openly flirting with him, but there was plenty of banter and joking. I think even if I saw a girl flirting with him, what I would be looking out for is his reaction - if he didnt flirt back, well I wouldn't like that girl too much but I'd know he wasn't flirting back. Also if a girl flirted with him in front of his wife, then I'd know there couldn't be anything in it.

Having said that, I've met them a few times now and being the jealous type, I dont really like going on nights out with my husband and these girls. I know theres nothing in it but I just dont want to be there, if that makes any sense. They talk about things I dont have anything in common with anyway, like college/work. So I do think it would help your wife to meet some of the women once or twice, but she doesn't have to become friends with them or anything. Maybe if she joined you for lunch with them one day or something?

In the meantime, I'd try and reassure her like you have been doing, explain that you're not interested in them romantically and they arent interested in you either, what with them being married/attached themselves! I think thats really sweet that you talk about your wife and kids all the time - tell her that! If she isn't getting the message, then you might have to get a bit stronger about it and say look, this is a problem you have with jealousy, I am not doing anything wrong. What can I do to help you with it - would meeting them help etc? There are lots of males working in predominantly female working environments e.g. nurses, teachers, your work etc, they are not rife with affairs either.

Sorry this is a bit long. I suppose what I am suggesting is try to rationalise the jealousy and suggest how can you alleviate her fears e.g. meeting them for lunch sometime. After that, it might be time for her to come up with a way of dealing with it. Thats what I had to do. I made the conscious decision to say to myself, look, he is always going to be surrounded by women, but I have no reason to suspect him of doing wrong and I am going to trust him like he has asked and because I believe him. But because I am putting up with this situation and have given him my trust, if anything does happen with another woman, then I am out of here.

Hope you and your wife get through this OP. I'm sure you can.

LegacyUser

tinkerbell wrote: »

Don't do things that will make her upset, e.g. responding to social texts / calls from work colleagues out of office hours. If someone texts you regarding work, reply (obviously - it's work related). However, if it turns into a social conversation, don't reply. They'll eventually get the message. Also, if they ask the next day why you didn't reply - just say you were busy or whatever.

I'd really disagree with this! Why would you pander to irrational jealousy by being rude to your co-workers?! Plus it seems to me to feed into the idea that it is ok that she gets upset by these things - it isn't!

I am a friend

No no! wrote: »

I'd really disagree with this! Why would you pander to irrational jealousy by being rude to your co-workers?! Plus it seems to me to feed into the idea that it is ok that she gets upset by these things - it isn't!

I absolutely agree with this!! Would hate to think what she would be like if you actually gave her something to worry about...

Ickle Magoo

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Many thanks.

tinkerbell

No no! wrote: »

I'd really disagree with this! Why would you pander to irrational jealousy by being rude to your co-workers?! Plus it seems to me to feed into the idea that it is ok that she gets upset by these things - it isn't!

At the end of the day, the OP's wife is his first concern, not the feelings of his co-workers. She is the one he spends all his time with and comes home to.

It is not being rude to ignore social texts from co-workers - he is not friends with them and really they shouldn't be texting him on a social level if he is not friends with them. If they are really good friends, then fine but he is not their friend. He has plenty of time to talk to his work colleagues at lunch, at tea breaks, etc. He doesn't need to be talking socially to these people by text after he leaves the office considering they are not actually friends of his. Out of the office is time he should be spending on his wife, his children, his friends, not again his co-workers. He already spends 40 hours (presumably) a week with them, does he really need to spend more time on them?

Regardless of whether the OP's wife is irrational or not, telling her to just suck it up while he continues to respond to social text messages, etc. is not going to help, it's going to make her worse.

If the OP's wife is already raging jealous, insecure and whatever over him being in a new job with tons of women and home alone minding the baby all day, then he should consider her feelings too (irrational or not) so that she does not feel that way.

LegacyUser

I'm in a similar situation where I work in an environment where there's about 20 lads but about 200 gorgeous looking women. My wife was NOT happy when I got the job, but it's so scarce these days you just can't turn it down. Personally, I just get on with my work and have no interaction with anyone whenever possible. I have nobody's number and nobody knows anything about me because I don't volunteer information. Basically...I don't give my wife anything to be concerned about. My life is about her, and I'll do whatever I can to make things easier for her. I reverse the situation and I KNOW I'd be a bag of nerves if she worked in a place where there was a LOT more lads than girls.

I've also told her she can call in anytime she wants and doesn't even have to forewarn me and that eased her mind a bit. I know that's not always feasible depending on the job you're in. But it's so important to put her mind at ease.

I am a friend

tinkerbell wrote: »

At the end of the day, the OP's wife is his first concern, not the feelings of his co-workers. She is the one he spends all his time with and comes home to.

it's not about him being rude or not.

why should anyone, who is not acting in any way unsppropriately, change their behaviour to pander to someone who is bring irrational.

What does it matter that she is at home with the kids? This gives her special dispensation for what?

LegacyUser

OP, I would think very very seriously before changing your behaviour. It is not your behaviour wherein the problem lies, so if you were to change your behaviour that would seem like a double wrong to me - and the first step on the slippery slope of having a controlling partner (hopefully not in your case, but I do remember changing 'little things' as they 'meant so much to him, and I didn't really mind' - all of those little things add up to a whole lot of control!). In my experience, irrational jealousy is often about control.

Yes, reassure your wife, do nice things together - but also please encourage her to address her issue; because it is her issue, and not yours to fix by changing your perfectly reasonable behaviour. I hope there are happier times ahead for you OP!

1939

hey, my ex worked with men, tons of them, I mean 7 or 8 immediately in her team and a floor full of them from different departments that she would talk to when getting tea or whatever. It always got to me cause she was the ONLY girl in her immediate team of 8 and only one of a small amount on her floor I presume. Women are totally outnumbered by men in that job. I would always be jealous of this but tried my best to keep it to myself. When I broke up with my ex over different reasons, she told me the truth of what it was like and it turns out that yes there was lots of flirting going on, sexual flirting with a member of her team, only banter she said.. she told me I would have not have been happy to hear how they talked to each other... so use your imagination on that one. Aswell as that, she admitted that "a good looking guy" from her floor asked her out... And yet another guy has a crush on her and followers her around when on work nights out etc... and yes on top of all that her boss, her damn boss made at least one sexual advance on her when on nights out...

This is the kind of fears that go through your wife’s mind. It may not be happening but can you understand it from her point of view? You need to try your best to reassure her, make time for her, do special, out of the ordinary nice things for your wife, make her feel loved. Maybe let me her meet your colleagues and get to know them a little? It will ease her mind a bit I would presume

Neyite

OP,
I work in a predominatly male environment and my partner works in a predominatly female environment. Its the unknown that we fear. While I didnt get worked up to the extent your wife does, the first 6 months of his work he worked with all women, in his age group, on the other side of the country and only came home at weekends. When he did he would be full of chat about the banter and craic that he had with these mostly single women. In my wilder imaginings, I envisioned hot women flinging themselves at my gorgeous man. Then I got a grip and laughed at myself.:o

About halfway through his placement, I went to visit him, and he proudly took me round the office and introduced me to these girls, and my fears really eased. I could see that he viewd them as colleagues, and that he spoke highly of me to them. But I could see that none of them had interest in him other than a colleague, and thats what really relaxed me.

You have a newfound happiness due to a new job - I could understand why she might think it has more to do with the 9 women you work with rather than your career. I would suggest that she comes in some day to meet you for lunch - bring her in and introduce her to the gang briefly before going to lunch. Once she is able to put (normal, not supermodel) faces on the names it might ease her fears.

Kingpin187

Im a guy, and Im also of the opinion that yeah, social interaction with workmates is a no-no. Thats just me though, Im the type that volunteers NO information about my personal life whatsoever, and I never ask about anyone elses either, I just really dont care lol

If my gf was getting social (ie non work related txts) from some guy she works with I wouldnt be pleased.

Im also one of those guys that has a lot of girl friends (notice the space), and I think this bothered my OH at the start, but after bringing her along to nights out etc any potential friction about that has fizzled out as she seen its all banter and laughs

So you dont have to change yourself or behaviour etc, just be considerate thats all. Your wife is obviously a little jealous, so what? its healthy in small doses so be considerate towards it. You are obviously a decent guy though so best of luck with everything mate

missgroovy21

To be honest, any woman whos man is the only man in the workplace will always feel threatened its an insecure thing!!!! She obviously thinks your attractive and in her mind everyone else will think you too....in an odd way that should be flattering.....An odd conversation about work every so often is fine but do not go on and on and on about work. You've obviously made new friends in work who happen to be female thats not a bad thing, you've never hidden anything from her which is great. Maybe if you were headin for drinks or dinner on a work night out invite your wife and if any of the women have husbands/boyfriends ask them to bring them along even if one or two are single it doesnt matter. Maybe if she sees you socializing with them she'll feel less threatened.

She needs to lighten up a bit though!!! Try the socializing thing..

Good Luck

ztoical

I am amazed at the amount of people who think the OP should alter his behaviour at work when he is doing nothing wrong. Serisouly how many people go to work and barely talk to other people? The OP isn't some student working a crap retail job, he has a career now that he's worked hard for and interacting with co-workers is part of a job. If there's only that many people in the office then it's very hard to come and ignore people or be very curt to them even more so if he starts doing it now when he's not been before - your co-workers may not want to work with you which could effect your career in the long term. The OP is just going to end up miserable both at home and work. He shouldn't have to go out of his way to appease his wife over her issues and this crap that he should put her first above everything else...they are married not genetically joined at the hip.

OP if you find you can't talk one and one like adults with your partner have you thought about having a third party to mediate. Seriously if you start altering your work habbits and your general personality to pacify her insecurities your going to find your home life a little bit better for a short period but back to sqaure one as you won't have really addressed the source of those insecurities and your work life going down the drain which is going to leave you stressed and unhappy on all sides.

missgroovy21

sorry to the person whos thread this is but i resent the last remark made about "crap retail job"......I work in retail....you try it!!! Its not as easy as it may look....also he doesnt need to change for her but he notices how shes feelin which alot of men would ignore and he wants everything to work out