Telling boyfriend I'm bi

LegacyUser

Going unregistered here.

Basically I've recently come to terms with the fact I am bisexual. Cant change it and I've accepted it. Been with my boyfriend now a few months but recently he said his friends new girlfriend was bi and he thought it was weird.

Its killing me not telling him but should I tell him? More afraid of how he'll react tbh. Like there is no question about it that I'm crazy about my boyfriend but just unsure what to do with telling him.

Anyone got any advice?

LegacyUser

Why do you have to tell him? Would that not just unnecessarily complicate things and unnecessarily confuse him?

You say you're happy with him - telling him something like 'I'm bi' screams 'I'm happy with you now, but just in case we break up in the future, I might be with a girl'.

No need to share this information whatsoever.

ztoical

Are you planning on sleeping with women while with your BF or bringing a another woman into your relationship? Not trying to be smart but if your in a relationship what difference does it make?

Pebbles68

ztoical wrote: »

Are you planning on sleeping with women while with your BF or bringing a another woman into your relationship? No trying to smart but if your in a relationship what difference does it make?

Exactly what I was thinking but you beat me to it. Are you asking for permission to be unfaithful?

Morag

Yes cos the only reason a bisexual person tells their partner is so they can cop off with someone else and have their cakes and eat it.

Whats wrong with wanting to be honest with your partner and have them know this about you and to be to be able to notice an attractive woman and not have to hide it from you partner?

Liam Byrne

While you're with him then you've - temporarily at least - decided to choose the "straight" part of your preferences.

I don't see the point in saying anything.

If he came out (no pun intended) and said "I often go for much older women, but I'm choosing you this time around", how would it make you feel, OP ?

Morag

/facepalm

A person who is bisexual, is bisexual no matter the gender of the person they are in relationship with. Seriously bisexual erasure is not cool.


Undecidedwhattodo! seems you missed an opportunity when he said it was weird you could have talked about it then. I've found the best way was to get 'caught' noticing a hot woman and then say that I noticed she was stunning and admit I found her attractive.

Just because a person is in a relationship that doesn't mean they stop finding other people attractive but we choose not to do anything about it.

If he has issues with it, and doesn't understand try and not take it personally and if you end up breaking up cos he finds it weird then he wasn't the right guy for you.
Hope things work out for the best.

Wompa1

I'm going to come at this from a completely different angle because I got cheated on by a girl who went bi. So, if you've come to terms with it I think you owe it to yourself and this guy to decide right now if you feel the need to experience being with a woman. If you do amicably break up now. If he falls in love with you or you cheat or so many other things, it will hurt.

ztoical

Sharrow wrote: »

Yes cos the only reason a bisexual person tells their partner is so they can cop off with someone else and have their cakes and eat it.

Whats wrong with wanting to be honest with your partner and have them know this about you and to be to be able to notice an attractive woman and not have to hide it from you partner?

You don't need to come out as bi to do that. I know plenty of straight women who tell their partners they think another woman is attractive. You don't need to be sexual attracted to a gender to see someone of that gender is attractive.

I'm up front about being bi to new partners because I have been in long term relationships in the past with men and women [not at the same time ] From the OPs post it sounds like they've acepted they are attracted to both genders but doesn't sounds like they've actually had relationships with both genders so I'm wondering what impact it actually has on their current relationship?

Morag

And I once got cheated on by a herto guy, doesn't all hetro men cheat.

Wompa1

Sharrow wrote: »

And I once got cheated on by a herto guy, doesn't all hetro men cheat.

No but if she's just realized that she is bi, maybe like my ex felt as though she had to explore her sexuality....Although my ex had some pretty bad character flaws and wasn't the most honest of people!

diddlybit

There's a lot of bisexual sterotyping in this thread. The OP never said that she wished to cheat, bring a girl into the realtionship or experience a romantic relationship with a woman. Perhaps, she is just doing what most people do in the beginnings of a realtionship, tell her partner more about herself, so they can have a open and honest dialogue with one another.

The notion of not telling him, I find is frankly ridiculous regardless of what happens in the future. If the OP is insecure about her attraction to women, it is his problem. Her sexuality has no bearing on the state of their relationship.

OP, he may find it "weird" but perhaps he doesn't know many bisexual people himself and this was reactionary rather than an opinion that he's thought through. Best thing you could do is just sit him down and have a conversation with him to alleviate any misconceptions he may have of bisexuality.

diddlybit

Wompa1 wrote: »

No but if she's just realized that she is bi, maybe like my ex (who was full of sh!t anyways) felt as though she had to explore her sexuality. (by having cheap meaningless sex with women, the kind a wh0re usually has for money)...sorry, I still hate her f'kin guts

That's not helpful to the OP. Just because your ex did so, does not mean that that is the OP's intention. People cheat, gay, straight, bi, sexuality has no influence on this.

Wompa1

diddlybit wrote: »

That's not helpful to the OP. Just because your ex did so, does not mean that that is the OP's intention. People cheat, gay, straight, bi, sexuality has no influence on this.

Come on!?! When did I say she was going to cheat? You are reading into things...I'm saying she should think about what it is this decision means to her. Is it important to pursue a relationship with a woman?..that is all. I'd think if someone was bi they would at least want to experience being with someone of the same sex at least once.

ztoical

Wompa1 wrote: »

I'd think if someone was bi they would at least want to experience being with someone of the same sex at least once.

Not necessarily, someone can identify as gay, straight or bisexual without having a sexual experience.

OP I was a bit negative in earlier posts so to try and clear it up I ask what exactly you want to tell your boyfriend? Just telling him your bi stands a big chance of confusing him as like many on here he will assume your telling him this for a reason. It doesn't sound like from your posts that you have had a relationship with a woman before so your not telling him to be honest about your past so he might assume your looking to experience something in the future...so I ask what exactly are you telling him? I can understand maybe feeling it's dishonest in some way not to be tell him but what impact does this have on your relationship with him or your feelings toward him? Are you looking to get involved/more involved with the local LGBT scene and want him to be aware of this?

Liam Byrne

diddlybit wrote: »

Her sexuality has no bearing on the state of their relationship.

Then why bring it up ?

It's the equivalent of the "how many previous sexual partners" question......yes, it's part of the person, who they are and were, etc, but since its - well - practical implementation (for want of a better phrase) is in the past, will have "no bearing on the state of their relationship", and won't even come into the equation ever again if all goes well in the relationship, why tell them ?

If sexuality is "just a part of who we are" then it's a bit like telling a curvy person that you occasionally prefer slim partners........it'll just rattle them for no reason whatsoever.

Wompa1

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Then why bring it up ?

It's the equivalent of the "how many previous sexual partners" question......yes, it's part of the person, who they are and were, etc, but since its - well - practical implementation (for want of a better phrase) is in the past, will have "no bearing on the state of their relationship", and won't even come into the equation ever again if all goes well in the relationship, why tell them ?

If sexuality is "just a part of who we are" then it's a bit like telling a curvy person that you occasionally prefer slim partners........it'll just rattle them for no reason whatsoever.

Great point. Don't tell him unless you are telling him because you want to explore it.

Kimia

I don't understand the replies on this thread. If my boyfriend hid something so important like his sexuality from me I would be horrified. Tell him OP. I can't honestly believe that people think it's unimportant.

ztoical

Kimia wrote: »

I don't understand the replies on this thread. If my boyfriend hid something so important like his sexuality from me I would be horrified. Tell him OP. I can't honestly believe that people think it's unimportant.

The OP isn't hiding anything as they've said so themselves it's something they've only accepted about themselves recently. The impression from the first post is the OP has not had any previous relationships with women so what exactly is she telling her OH? What impact does that really have on their relationship? She's attracted to men and women but is in a relationship so unless she's looking to have an open relationship it doesn't really have any impact TBH, unless she's planning to get involved with a local LBGT group and wants the OH to know why. As this is something the OP has only really come to terms with recently [I assume from reading their first post while dating their current BF] the OP needs to ask if this changes them as a person and if yes then that does impact on their relationship and should be discussed with the OH.

globemaster1986

Go for it OP, tell him and let him deal with it! Its his problem!

I assume i can speak for most guys, myself and most i know anyway, when i say that i for one would not mind at all! Just yesterday i was chatting with a female friend when another girl walked past, friend asks "who is she? She's gorgeous." so i said jokingly "would you?" and she says "Ya", i looked at her a bit dubiously and she said "no, i'm serious" (and it was obvious she was!). I wanted her then lol:D

diddlybit

Liam Byrne wrote: »

It's the equivalent of the "how many previous sexual partners" question......yes, it's part of the person, who they are and were, etc, but since its - well - practical implementation (for want of a better phrase) is in the past, will have "no bearing on the state of their relationship", and won't even come into the equation ever again if all goes well in the relationship, why tell them ?

If sexuality is "just a part of who we are" then it's a bit like telling a curvy person that you occasionally prefer slim partners........it'll just rattle them for no reason whatsoever.

Because she wants to? She wouldn't be posting her otherwise. When you say "occassionally prefer slim partners", this is a sexual orientation, that is a preference. And that sentence is a contardiction I find. It's "part of who we are", so don't bother telling them?!?

Not all individuals feel that they need to hide desires, sexual histories or their sexuality from their partners. Strangely enough not all people are insecure enough about bisexuality to feel rattled. For many it simply a shrug of their shoulders and then move on.

Liam Byrne

diddlybit wrote: »

Because she wants to? She wouldn't be posting her otherwise. When you say "occassionally prefer slim partners", this is a sexual orientation, that is a preference. And that sentence is a contardiction I find. It's "part of who we are", so don't bother telling them?!?

The "bi-ness" is the sexual orientation, however if you're in a relationship you have chosen (preferred) one over the other! In addition, if someone is simply not turned on by a skinny/tall/cuddly person, then it isn't just a "preference" - it's a part of their "sexual orientation"!

If I'm "absolutely and utterly not turned on by guys", then that's my "sexual orientation".....but if I'm "absolutely and utterly not turned on by stick-thin models", then that's somehow different ? How come ? And I'm asking as someone who can see the difference, but it's usually LGBT people who say that the genitals we're born with make no difference.

So it's "part of who we are", but it's a part that we won't be acting on unless the relationship is wound up. That is my point. The OP has made a choice/preference to be with her partner and not with the opposite sex (or anyone else, for that matter).

diddlybit wrote: »

Not all individuals feel that they need to hide desires, sexual histories or their sexuality from their partners. Strangely enough not all people are insecure enough about bisexuality to feel rattled. For many it simply a shrug of their shoulders and then move on.

It's not a question of being insecure about bisexuality; if we are to view bisexuality as being as "normal" as the LGBT community would like us to have us do, then highlighting it is simply saying to a current partner "I have other options available", which should be as disrespectful to that partner as if it were a straight person indicating that they prefer slimmer/older.

I agree that that indicates a certain level of "insecurity", for want of a better word, but the general consensus re past partners is "why bother asking/telling, since there are no benefits and it's no longer relevant", and if being "bi" is in the past (as in giving the current relationship a proper shot) then that advice applies just as equally, particularly if the partner cannot offer / be the "alternative".

All I'm saying is that there is nothing to be gained by telling, and the potential to lose.

Wompa1

Liam Byrne wrote: »

The "bi-ness" is the sexual orientation, however if you're in a relationship you have chosen (preferred) one over the other! In addition, if someone is simply not turned on by a skinny/tall/cuddly person, then it isn't just a "preference" - it's a part of their "sexual orientation"!

If I'm "absolutely and utterly not turned on by guys", then that's my "sexual orientation".....but if I'm "absolutely and utterly not turned on by stick-thin models", then that's somehow different ? How come ? And I'm asking as someone who can see the difference, but it's usually LGBT people who say that the genitals we're born with make no difference.

So it's "part of who we are", but it's a part that we won't be acting on unless the relationship is wound up. That is my point. The OP has made a choice/preference to be with her partner and not with the opposite sex (or anyone else, for that matter).



It's not a question of being insecure about bisexuality; if we are to view bisexuality as being as "normal" as the LGBT community would like us to have us do, then highlighting it is simply saying to a current partner "I have other options available", which should be as disrespectful to that partner as if it were a straight person indicating that they prefer slimmer/older.

I agree that that indicates a certain level of "insecurity", for want of a better word, but the general consensus re past partners is "why bother asking/telling, since there are no benefits and it's no longer relevant", and if being "bi" is in the past (as in giving the current relationship a proper shot) then that advice applies just as equally, particularly if the partner cannot offer / be the "alternative".

All I'm saying is that there is nothing to be gained by telling, and the potential to lose.

Again, I'm going to be blasted for not everyone being like my ex and all that jazz but in the context of what Liam is saying in that if you were to say it, it's nearly just to highlight that you have an interest in other people which is no good.

My ex told me a few months before she cheated on me that she was unsure of her sexuality. She then did the dirt and said she needed to explore her sexuality. Now, I'm not trying to say every bi person will cheat but at the time when she told me she was unsure it did make me extra insecure because it was her highlighting her desire for other people..it's funny my initial reaction was, so basically if you did want to cheat or was that way inclined you now have twice as many options.

She reassured me she wanted to be with me and couldn't imagine her life without me. Then a month later she was with a woman. She wasn't saying it to be honest to me, she was saying it to instill in herself that she wanted to be with a woman...bring on the flak from LGBT peeps

Ickle Magoo

Wompa1, calling women/a woman a whore is not acceptable discourse on this forum.

Can posters please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

seenitall

Liam Byrne wrote: »

All I'm saying is that there is nothing to be gained by telling, and the potential to lose.

Gaining and losing rather depends on the perspective being taken here, and of course, it shouldn't. That's the thing about secrecy/dishonesty.

How do you rate the OP's b/f's right to know something as basic about his OP as is her sexual orientation, and his corrolary right to the choice whether to continue in a relationship with a bisexual person?

If I were you, OP, I would tell him. As ever, it's because I would want to know if I were in his shoes; so I think it is a fair thing to do (not even going into YOUR right to be honest with the person who is supposed to be closest to you! )

Wompa1

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Wompa1, calling women/a woman a whore is not acceptable discourse on this forum.

Can posters please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

Sorry, shouldn't have put that in. This post kind of touched a nerve. Will refrain in future

diddlybit

Sorry IM.

OP if I could make a suggestion, perhaps it would be could to talk to other young people in similar situations. You're not the first young bisexual person to go through of this, and it could be good to get their perspective on not only your relationship, but also advice on being unsure of your sexuality.

Belong To are a youth group for people between 14 and 25, and they have groups all over the country. There could be one near you if that would help to talk about it with people.

http://www.belongto.org/

baby and crumble

can I just step in here from a different perspective. I'm a lesbian and my partner is bisexual. It's something I've known since before we started going out, and while at first it did rattle me, because of my own insecurities, it's a fundamental thing about my partner that I need to know. If I thought she was a lesbian, well that would only be half of her that I knew.

To all those people who are saying "it's just signalling you find other people attractive, that's not right", I'd just like to say - what??!!?? If you're in a relationship, you're in a relationship, you're not dead for goodness sake! Everyone finds other people attractive... I quite enjoy comparing notes on hot girls with my partner, but equally it amuses me when she point out a guy she thinks is hot, and I just do not see it!! Doesn't mean she's going to go off with them, it certainly doesn't mean I think she fancies ME less because she fancies someone different to me... It's not a one in one out system!!! I actually kind of like that most of the girls she points out are quite different to me. It makes me feel like I have something extra that made her even more attracted to me! :cool:

In short, OP, I think you should tell your bf. He might freak out, he might think all the things mentioned in this thread about you wanting the 'best of both worlds' or whatever, but so long as you keep the lines of communication fully open and be honest, he will most likely come to understand what your bisexuality means.

Best of luck.

Liam Byrne

seenitall wrote: »

How do you rate the OP's b/f's right to know something as basic about his OP as is her sexual orientation, and his corrolary right to the choice whether to continue in a relationship with a bisexual person?

The only relevant fact in the OP's orientation is that they've chosen to be with their boyfriend.

Being in a relationship involves ruling out - even suppressing on occasion - any other urges.

Bisexual people have more choices/options, but if they're not going to act on them, why bother telling ?

Any since the converse is also true, he shouldn't have an issue about continuing in a relationship with the OP, so that's a red herring.

Since you raised the issue, would you consider him homophobic (or whatever the equivalent is) if he ruled out a relationship with the OP because of something that she's never going to act on ?

LegacyUser

Can I just say to the people here saying I'm going to cheat... ah no I'm not. I'm not a cheater.

Yea, I'm curious but I love my boyfriend. Thats not gonna change. I just want him to know fully who I am. I've been hurt a bomb load in the past and him and I have this no secrets policy. Its a part of who I am and I want him to know who I am so he call fall in love with the girl that I am. I just want to be honest with him. I hate keeping things from people.

To answer questions, no I have not been with a woman. No, I have no intentions of being with one while my boyfriend and I are still together. To reiterate the point...I love my boyfriend a crazy amount. He means the world to me. I just want him to know the truth.

Keeping a big secret isnt a healthy thing in a relationship is it?

seenitall

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Bisexual people have more choices/options, but if they're not going to act on them, why bother telling ?

Because sexuality and sexual orientation is one of a few fundamental parts of personality - you now, like something that one has every right to share with their partner, just as the partner has every right to know it about their OH? (Yes, in other words, a total red herring and completely irrelevant for having an honest relationship! :rolleyes:)

since you asked the question, I would consider him at the very least insecure in the case you mention. However, even insecure/homophobic people deserve to be treated with respect and honesty in their relationships, not least because bringing it out in the open that one partner is bi while the other is homophobic means that a very bad fit (whatever way you look at it) will come to light and is thus best shown up sooner rather than later.

MitchKoobski

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Being in a relationship involves ruling out - even suppressing on occasion - any other urges.

Bisexual people have more choices/options, but if they're not going to act on them, why bother telling ?

Whaaaaaaat!?

So I'm in a relationship and I still think the girl across the room is attractive. But I can't say "Hey, that girl is attractive", because I need to suppress my urge and if I'm not going to act on it, why bother telling?

The OP is bisexual. Big whoop! It doesn't affect the relationship at all! And to quote your other post above, she hasn't "chosen one over the other". She chose her boyfriend. She chose THE PERSON not the gender! A bisexual person doesn't sit there and think "Hmm will I go for a guy or a girl?". They go for whoever they are atrracted to and like.

OP, it's completely up to you. My best friend is Bi and she makes it a point to tell anyone she gets close to. If they ever have a problem with it, they're not right for her. To date no one has ever had a problem with it, because she's chosen them over anyone else she could go for, boy or girl, it doesnt matter.

GoldCobra

If my GF told me she was BI, while I wouldn't have a problem with people being BI, I'd be taken back as to why she'd just come out with it and I'd be insecure about it or something. Is she telling me this because she wants to break up and be with a girl? I guess it depends on the couple and the relationship though.

LighterGuy

Dare I be the blunt one to say it.

Most blokes would like if their girlfriend were bi. Because of the threesome possbilites with another woman. Hey lets be honest here :pac:

And despite him saying how its weird how his friends girlfriend is bi ... most likely he'd be singing a different tune if you wanted a 3some with another girl.

LighterGuy

sunflower27 wrote: »

:rolleyes:

Most people I know in relationships don't go around thinking about threesome opportunities.

1, people would rarely tell friends that they and their partner had a 3some.
2, trust me, most guys want a 3some with 2 women if it could come about. its just a guy thing. dont ask me why. Sure, some guys wouldnt. But 'majority rules' as they say ... and most guys would if their gf was bi and wanted one.

LighterGuy

Dont twist things sunflower.
The issue the op raised was that she is afraid to tell her boyfriend she is bi because of a statement he said about his friends girlfriend.

Look at my first post above. I mention how just because he said it was weird the way she (friends gf) is bi .. doesnt mean he'd feel the same about his gf (op) being bi.

Kimia

The reason I would want to know is because your sexuality is part of who you are, it's not something you do, or think about something - it's an essential part of your being. Not sharing that with someone you're supposed to love is fúcked up and imo a whopping big secret to keep.

LegacyUser

For a smart bunch you lot are coming out with some crazy theories 0.0

Threesomes?! Cheating?! You guys seem to have low opinions of a lot of people that come here asking for advice. Last time I checked this wasnt After Hours like :rollseyes:

Call me selfish or call me whatever you want. All I wanted to know was if I should tell him? I dont know how guys react to this sort of thing. I dont plan on hiding it, I dont plan on dumping him, I dont plan cheating on him. I plan on being his girlfriend who hopefully one day he'll be in love with.

I'm a strong person and can hold off on the desires. Give me some bit of credit like. I'm not the evil twisted witch like most women are deemed to be

If I want crazy theories I'll hit AH. For now I just wanted simple normal answers that can help me decide to tell my boyfriend and if it'll react badly with him.

Honesty really is the best policy though

spinandscribble

to all the people saying she needs to be able to point out hot women to her bf, do you think its typically to point out hot guys to your bf? Seems a bit strange to me... I mean sure everyone notices someone they could be sexually attracted to but why feel the need to dwell on it by making it into a conversation with your OH?

If it was me and a bf was bi but didn't tell me I'd feel sad he felt he needed to hide it or I didn't need to know. I would want to know who he really is. So I think the op should tell her bf.

Monkey61

Hmm...personally, I don't know if you should. Obviously if you have a burning desire to mention it then go ahead, if you absolutely feel that you have to. But if I were him, I would probably question why you were mentioning it.

I know it has been mentioned that it is a part of you etc, but for me, I think it is kind of irrelevant once you are in a relationship with him. For instance, if you have decided that you love your boyfriend and want to be with him and be faithful to him forever, then you are never going to be doing anything with women. Ever. And in that case, does it really matter whether you also fancy women as well as men? Really?

Different strokes for different relationships and all, but it doesn't matter to me who I might find attractive etc, I would never be having that conversation with my girlfriend. Everyone might look, but it is not something that we would talk about. Is talking about women you fancy with him that important?

I may be underestimating your boyfriend, but knowing what a destructive thing sexual jealousy can be, I just have a feeling that once you say this to him it will wreck his head and worry him a lot. What if all he can focus on is the fact that you are into something sexually that he can never do for you? Especially since you haven't been with a woman before, he will always wonder if it is something that you may someday want to try.

If you love him, think about the effect it will have on him, not just on you.

mixed up

Tell the lucky ****er he'll be begging you for a threesome

Morag

Undecidedwhattodo! There is a LGBT forum here which also as unreg posting,
you might get more helpful less biphobic answers there.

Ickle Magoo

mixed up warned for unhelpful posting.

Please note, this is PI - not After Hours - could posters please refrain from the juvenile three-some responses and read the OP's posts and give advice based on that rather than just making assumptions.

Please take the time to read the [URL="http http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter and abide by them.

LegacyUser

Can I ask for this thread to be closed and locked?

If you lot wanna craic smart ass jokes at me then pull it somewhere else. Its unfair of ye to even suggest this crap. As I said earlier...if I want smart ass replies I'll hit After Hours. Judging by the way most of you replied here ye shouldnt be posting here anyway. Problems are not to be made fun of.

Try being in my position. Then ye might gather a bit of sympathy. A bit of advice isnt too much to ask for here is it?

I'm leaving this thread more confused now. Thanks lads!