Do you regret having children?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm a very happily married 30 year old female, and am reaching that point in my life when we really need to think about starting a family (and whether I want to start a family more to the point!). My husband is very kean - it's just me holding back at this point.

Many of my friends are having babies and it's so easy to get wrapped up in it all and go along with what everyone else is doing but I'm just not convinced it's the right thing for me just yet. I'm scared of the isolation and the neverending-ness of it all, and the intensity of it, and the fear of something going wrong (though I'm sure that's just a natural reaction). Above all, I'm just not sure what type of parent I'd make, and I'd hate to bring up a person who has issues in adulthood as a result of this .... it just doesn't feel like a natural progression for me (at least just yet).

Can anyone here please tell me if you regret having children? Parenting sounds like such hard work, and despite the love you have for your child and the rewards you get from it, I'd be really curious to know if anyone regrets having them, and if you would do things differently if you had the chance?

I know this could be a difficult question, but I'd really appreciate your honesty.

Thanks

Fran79

Hi
I don't regret having my son (just turned 3), but I do get frustrated at times!
I don't get to go out (usually too tired in the evening / night).
No holidays, no real time off - nap time is golden rest time in our house!

I hate the early mornings, no lie ins (only just got him to sleep till 7am most days was5am for 2 years).

I think that these things are made worse by the fact that I have been unemployed for 2 years.

BUT...

I love watching him learn new things, his laugh and watching him play or work something out.

It is hard work but it is enjoyable and difficult and frustrating and tiring and fun all in one day.

HTH

Fittle

While I regret the responsibilities that go with being a parent, I don't regret having my child. I have one son, he's 9. I don't remember my life without him (I'm single), and yet, if I never had him, I imagine my life would have been much different.

So while I resent the crap that goes with being a parent - I will never regret the child himself.

It's hard, there's no doubt. And if you were to believe all you read, you would never have children.

You MAY regret not having children, but I doubt you will regret actually having children.

So my answer is that you won't regret having children. But you just get on with it, and it has its rewards, which human nature makes us believe, far exceed the regrets.

Having said all of the above, I have never felt a love like the love I feel for my son - and just feeling that in itself, outweighs any of the negatives.

bulmersgal

I regret the fact that i'm a single parent but never for one moment have i regretted my daughter. She's makes every day a happy day. She's only one but the bond that has developed between us is amazing she loves running over giving me hug and running away. Or even today she was in stitches cause i shaked my bum at her.

I dont think you'll ever regret having kids but you'd regret not having them. Your still young if you were to wait a few years you'd have loads of time left.

I wasn't sure what sort of parent i would be and to be honest i'm still not sure what i am, i can be so laid back at times and so happy at other times and then strict when needed. You dont no till you are a parent

Greystoner

Hey, you are only 30! Still loads of time, so don't stress about it. Live your life, do all the things that you want to do; travel etc.Then once you are ready, you may well be surprised if you choose the baby path.

Having children has been the best thing I ever did. Yes, you have to make alot of sacrifices and it is tiring and hard work etc, but the cliche applies that it is so worth it!

A friend of mine was the least maternal of our group of friends and she swore blind that she hated kids and said 'give me a dog anyday!' she now has 4 girls age 5 and under (nutter!) but she is as happy as a pig in muck.

Just make sure you fulfill some dreams before you have a baby and then you shouldn't have any resentment towards them. Think also about how you might feel when you are old and would you feel ok about not having had kids, or would you have regrets? (You are totally allowed to change your mind though!)

Life does not stop when you have a baby. Once they are a bit older, you can go out and do things, you do not have to stay at home all the time!

Plus if all your friends are having babies at the moment, think of the money you will save by accepting any equipment etc when it is outgrown in a few years!

30 is still young by todays standards, so you really do have loads of time.

stovelid

I'd love to have some of the freedom back again and on days like today, I could nearly have killed them with my bare hands but do I regret having them?

Not for a second.

gsxr1

i had my kid when I was 28. 7 years ago I have done my traveling and was ready. Even though it was not planned.

Perfect time to grow up with him. And keep up with him


I see lots of people leave it later and later. I would hate to be an old grey man when my kid is a teenager.

Go for it. You will never love another human like you will love your child.


I dont regret it . although it has been a roller coaster and will continue to be so im sure

stovelid

gsxr1 wrote: »

I see lots of people leave it later and later. I would hate to be an old grey man when my kid is a teenager.

Had mine at 37 and 39.

To be honest, I agree with you as I'd love to be younger now - not because of my age as I'm fit and healthy but just because I'd like to be around (in a meaningful way) for as long as possible when/if my kids have their own kids.

That said, I just didn't want kids ten years ago and I wouldn't have been ready. Had so many things to do - career, social and travel - as did my partner.

polly78

There is nothing on earth that ever makes me so happy as seeing my wee boy smile. I totally get where you are coming from because I was (and still am) so selfish with regard MY needs in life, but no, when you hold that child in your arms your whole world changes. You can still be your fun loving selfish self if you have a good family/friend support. I found that Mother Nature kicked in big time as soon as he was born, i wouldn't of thanked you for a night out, but could have, as I had babysitting on tap (which is prob important) Please if you think you do want kids eventually don't waste any more time sweating over it. It is trying at times but god there is no better feeling in the world than a wee person saying "I love you, mummy/daddy".......and meaning it!

Moonbeam

I think it depends how much you want them and what your life is like before them.
I had mine at 26 and 28.
I am often tired,work days are awful,my clean clothes never remain clean for long,doing the shopping during day light hours is a chore but the fun and love of a 2 year old and watching my new baby grow are things I would never change and want to experience again.
Pregnancy was hard for me and I love having a bump but generally hate being pregnant,not a fan of childbirth either.
Do I regret it ? never and hope I get to have a few more.

What I do think is important is having an education,career,house and travelled first.

Morag

Once a woman turns 28 her fertility starts to decline and every year after 30 it gets more difficult,
so frankly a woman who is 30 has a limited amount of time to start a family.

Yes parenting is hard work and a lot of responsibility and at times I do regret that my life is not different.
Everyone has regrets, you have to figure out what you can live with.

Kids are kids and people have been having and rearing kids for years and years.
All you can do is do your best by them and try not to screw them up in the same way our parents screwed us over. Modern parents have a wealth of information about kids and thier needs and development literally at our finger tips which previous generations never had so we have more advantages.

Also more and more new Dads share more of the burden of the hands on work of the first new years.

The person you need to talk to about all this if your partner.
If you are worried about regrets when you have worries, concerns and fears.
You need to figure out what those are exactly and see if there is a way to put plans in place and talk about it all. And if you can't get to a place where that helps and the pros and cons balance then you need to be honest with him, even if it may means that he leaves you.

End of the day, I think if I didn't have kids I would have regretted it more then any regrets I have from time to time about having had them.

babygirlz

I had my first at 29 after having a relatively carefree existence, holidays and nights out at the drop of a hat and all that.

If I was to be brutally honest, I found the first year impossible and I mourned my previous life, we never go out now.
My daughter was a hard baby initially so it was a major shock to the system. She cried constantly and there was no one to hand her over to when my husband went out the door to work, I dreaded him going to work and there were days that I would be practically waiting at the front door for the car to pull into the drive when he came home.

Six years on and 2 more babies later I can say with my hand on my heart that after all that I have never regretted for 1 minute having them. There are bad days alright when they drive me up the walls but when they are not around I miss them.

As another poster said you still have a while yet and tbh I would leave it until you are ready. I think you would regret not having them. You would never know what you are missing.
Best of luck with your decision.

polly78

babygirlz wrote: »

I had my first at 29 after having a relatively carefree existence, holidays and nights out at the drop of a hat and all that.

If I was to be brutally honest, I found the first year impossible and I mourned my previous life, we never go out now.
My daughter was a hard baby initially so it was a major shock to the system. She cried constantly and there was no one to hand her over to when my husband went out the door to work, I dreaded him going to work and there were days that I would be practically waiting at the front door for the car to pull into the drive when he came home.

Six years on and 2 more babies later I can say with my hand on my heart that after all that I have never regretted for 1 minute having them. There are bad days alright when they drive me up the walls but when they are not around I miss them.

As another poster said you still have a while yet and tbh I would leave it until you are ready. I think you would regret not having them. You would never know what you are missing.
Best of luck with your decision.

I think this all depends on who you have nearby, I take from your post you are in your town/city more or less alone? I did have my family nearby who were fighting over him which made my situ easier, but as i said earlier mother nature kicked in for me immediately. I did eventually want to go out which is why babysitters/friends who will are neccessary. My sister is in Dublin alone now but for her partner, 14mth old baby, she's back at work, babys in creche, she is happy but I know she would dearly love family around her for..support (more than phone calls and monthly visits), babysitting. Her and her BF rarely go out together which would be ok but he does like to go out so sometimes does alone (he's also hands on dad).

When my sis was on maternity leave, home alone all day every day she knew it would be destructive in the long term, they are now paying extortionate childcare fees but, she's got a sense of self, he recognises that she has and they love their wee baby and have fine life all in all. Life was never supposed to be easy.

I have found that mothers by their nature are naturally happy to be with baby, getting out once a month maybe but guys tend to still want to keep the old social life. It's all a price worth paying in my opinion.

My sis is 34 her boyfriend 36, they are madly in love, have their own house and have both travelled the world! can still pose probs. Funny thing is neither of them are overly ambitious. Depends on, i think how much you want to give up your free spirit existence. And is very much what you really want to do, but trust me on the "I love u Mummy"

Noffles

All Bollox.. if you're having doubts don't do it... all this **** about loving it when it happens... is crap... if you want to live a full enjoyable life... don't have.... kids.

Moonbeam

Noffles wrote: »

All Bollox.. if you're having doubts don't do it... all this **** about loving it when it happens... is crap... if you want to live a full enjoyable life... don't have.... kids.

Do you have kids?

It depends what you define as a full enjoyable life.

newwifey

I think from reading your post you are definately not ready to have kids.

When a biological clocks starts to tick its deafening!

How long have you been with your hubby?

I had my first at 20 and it devestated all my hopes and dreams.
I loved him absolutely but I forever mourned my lost youth. All the holidays I missed, nites out, working abroad...
I raised him alone for 6 years till I moved in with my now husband and we went on to have 3 more together. I cant describe the burning desire I had to have kids with my hubby.
I can't remember my life without having someone to look after. I have been a mother for 16 years - almost as long as I haven't! My body is in sh1te, Im not overweight, just 4 pregnancies takes a toll. My clothes are always stained at the end of the day, my roots are always overdue a top up, and I have absolutely no life........ but I wouldn't swap it for anything.

There is a big difference having kids at 20 and having them at 30. At 20 I had buckets of energy but little patience. At 30 I have buckets of patience but very little energy :rolleyes:

I always thought that people who didn't want kids were self centered and unable to love outside themselves. Now I see that there is a whole other life that goes with not having kids. Oh to be able to take off on a Friday evening for the weekend and not have to organise baby sitters. Oh to be carefree and independent. We haven't had a nite away from the kids since december 2009.

Now thats the negative

I don't have enough time or space to write the positive. I absolutely love my kids and wouldnt change my life or them for anything. I think being a mother is all about sacrifice and its just a natural thing.

But if you are not ready, you're not ready. You can't be rushed. However I do think its something you will have to discuss with your hubby.

I will probably be shot for this, but it is my general experience that men are eager to be fathers but are dire at actually doing the day to day mundane stuff that will consume your life once you become a mother.

She cried constantly and there was no one to hand her over to when my husband went out the door to work, I dreaded him going to work and there were days that I would be practically waiting at the front door for the car to pull into the drive when he came home

As babygirlz says it lonely, its thankless and its tiresome.
But, in saying all this, I guarantee you that there won't be one mother here who regretted having their kids.
Perhaps you need a little more time to just live before you give up your life to give birth to another. You are only 30 after all, just a baby yourself

polly78

Noffles wrote: »

All Bollox.. if you're having doubts don't do it... all this **** about loving it when it happens... is crap... if you want to live a full enjoyable life... don't have.... kids.

I planned my baby but had doubts about what that would really be like, for me I thought what was I so worried about, it has brought a richness to my life that now I can see no other true and real point to life. If you have had children and it was a bad experience you could share it with OP for what its worth.

strandroad

This is a very relevant thread for me too.

But if there are people who regret having children you won't hear from them, or at least not in the correct numbers. It's taboo after all.

Morag

Yes it is taboo to a point but this is the parenting forum where most parents come to share and get support and parents who tend to completely regret having kids would not be interested in doing that.
Women who really regret having kids do walk away and leave them with the father for him to raise,
it happens I know of 3 women who did so.

Noffles

Moonbeam wrote: »

Do you have kids?

It depends what you define as a full enjoyable life.

Yes, I do.

And yes, you're right... it does.

polly78

newwifey wrote: »

I will probably be shot for this, but it is my general experience that men are eager to be fathers but are dire at actually doing the day to day mundane stuff that will consume your life once you become a mother.



As babygirlz says it lonely, its thankless and its tiresome

I completely agree on the men thing and will be shot after you, all talk, no action. I'm not generalising I have seen this over and over whereby men profess to adore their son/daughter but when the boys are up for night out he's in there, wild horses wouldn't stop him. On the otherhand I have seen more girlfriends miss out on nights because of their children (and don't mind)

For the OP, you will probably never know which way he will go and at the end of the day it is your call, "do you want to be a mother to a newborn person?"

strandroad

Sharrow wrote: »

Yes it is taboo to a point but this is the parenting forum where most parents come to share and get support and parents who tend to completely regret having kids would not be interested in doing that.

Not necessarily, regretting having children doesn't automatically mean that you neglect them. You may still want the best for them and you might be looking for advice on parenting. But if you could turn back time...

Sharrow wrote: »

Women who really regret having kids do walk away and leave them with the father for him to raise, it happens I know of 3 women who did so.

I knew two women like that, one of them left her family (three children, she did wait until they were young adults though) and the other one neglected her child for years, although they made amends later. Both in my own family

mlumley

Never had regrets about having children, but plenty about marrying their mother.

Rockery Woman

Im 36 years old and decided 10 years ago not to have children, I still havent changed my mind.

My husband was never in the dark about this, he married me knowing I would probably never have any children and accepted this.

Dont get me wrong - I dont hate kids, I actually think they are cute, sweet etc, I have a niece who is 15 months old and I really love her. I just dont have a maternal instinct I guess.

Its becoming more normal for women to decide against having children, I know several women who feel the same as me. My biological clock obviously doesnt exist cos at age 36 it should have struck midnight by now....!

I could decide at age 40 I want children though - thats the other side, but right now Im happy as I am and so is my husband!

CK2010

i reckon how a parent responds depends on what day you ask them! :pac:

i had my daughter at 17 so i went from being a child to bringing up a child, no in between, no growing up, no experience of a 'free' life.

some days i wonder what it would have been like but i never have regrets. you've had your 'free' life so you'll have less 'what ifs' but its only human nature to have them thoughts. i sometimes wonder what could have been but i never wish for that. i never wish i could experience it, i just wonder about it, if that makes sense. but you wont have to wonder!

i couldnt live without my child, shes the best thing in my life. i dont regret her for a second.

Rockery Woman

CK2010 wrote: »

i reckon how a parent responds depends on what day you ask them! :pac:

i had my daughter at 17 so i went from being a child to bringing up a child, no in between, no growing up, no experience of a 'free' life.

some days i wonder what it would have been like but i never have regrets. you've had your 'free' life so you'll have less 'what ifs' but its only human nature to have them thoughts. i sometimes wonder what could have been but i never wish for that. i never wish i could experience it, i just wonder about it, if that makes sense. but you wont have to wonder!

i couldnt live without my child, shes the best thing in my life. i dont regret her for a second.

But when your daughter grows up you will still be young enough to do all the things you missed out on. My mam had me when she was 16, she married at 16, now she is 52, works full-time, goes for holidays twice a year, drives a beautiful new car, wears great clothes, no money stresses and she looks fantastic.

kippy

CK2010 wrote: »

i reckon how a parent responds depends on what day you ask them! :pac:

i had my daughter at 17 so i went from being a child to bringing up a child, no in between, no growing up, no experience of a 'free' life.

some days i wonder what it would have been like but i never have regrets. you've had your 'free' life so you'll have less 'what ifs' but its only human nature to have them thoughts. i sometimes wonder what could have been but i never wish for that. i never wish i could experience it, i just wonder about it, if that makes sense. but you wont have to wonder!

i couldnt live without my child, shes the best thing in my life. i dont regret her for a second.

To the OP.
Myself and my wife are due our first in July of this year. We're 30 and 31 and married for almost two years , going out for the previous decade almost. We've done a lot of "growing up" and travelling, going out on a whim etc in our 20's and knew what we both wanted from early on. Kids were always on the agenda and now, thankfully, we are going to have one. No doubt it will be a life changer, but we are getting into it with our eyes as wide open as they can be, knowing as much about it as we can and we look forward to those sleepless nights and those clothes that are never clean.
In one way we go in with a lot more knowledge and (on paper) better prepared than earlier generations while on the other hand will probably be under more (different) stresses than they were.
Its obviously not for everyone but I dont intend regretting what we are doing down the line - the opposite in fact - we hope to have a couple more.
CK2010, I can imagine things have been a lot different for you and you summed it up brilliantly in your post - you went from being a child to bringing up a child and "missed" that bit in the middle. But you know what, you do what life throws at you and manage as best you can with what you can, always trying to provide for the little ones, no matter what age you are. BTW you havent missed a whole lot - people make this travelling lark out to be way better than it actually is, it is well overrated. Think about the other side of it, your child/children will probably be well reared by the time you hit your mid/late thirties, and age when a lot of people are only starting rearing their kids.
Plenty time to see the world then!

OP,
You'll know when the time comes and if it doesn't, it doesn't. Many people don't want kids for many reasons.

There are lots of people out there for whatever reason find it hard or cannot conceive at all - if you leave things too late you may find that you are in the former and don't have time on your side.
If only everyone could be happy!

stovelid

Noffles wrote: »

Yes, I do.

And yes, you're right... it does.

Put them up for adoption then.

At least that way, somebody might appreciate them.

CK2010

Rockery Woman wrote: »

But when your daughter grows up you will still be young enough to do all the things you missed out on. My mam had me when she was 16, she married at 16, now she is 52, works full-time, goes for holidays twice a year, drives a beautiful new car, wears great clothes, no money stresses and she looks fantastic.

thats what myself and the OH have planned! we'll be out clubbing with her! we can enjoy our 'missed years' with the maturity not to make the silly mistakes we would have at that age! win win!

Moonbeam

stovelid wrote: »

Put them up for adoption then.

At least that way, somebody might appreciate them.

*mod warning*
Please can you refrain from posting what may be interpreted as a personal attack on another poster.

Thanks
Rach

polly78

I love the whole "we'll still have our fun life" attitude, which is why I wouldn't put it off, if I was OP. Having kids early allows you, while your still fit for it, to have a fun life of your own in older years. Thinking you want kids in your forties wouldn't be a good thing. I had my wee boy when I was 21 and now at 33 really appreciate the "still young enough to get what he's on about" knowing and liking mtv chart show!.

I think, only my opinion, if you want children you will always have to sacrifice some time in your life, be it your twenties, fun times, or in your fifties, fun times too it would seem.

I repeat there is no greater love on earth than that which comes from a child to a parent, even if it is in later years, but I personally wouldn't chance it, in case you didn't get it and regretted it.

Life is sometimes not all that.

dalia-like

dalia-like wrote: »

Hi all,

I'm a very happily married 30 year old female, and am reaching that point in my life when we really need to think about starting a family (and whether I want to start a family more to the point!). My husband is very kean - it's just me holding back at this point.

Many of my friends are having babies and it's so easy to get wrapped up in it all and go along with what everyone else is doing but I'm just not convinced it's the right thing for me just yet. I'm scared of the isolation and the neverending-ness of it all, and the intensity of it, and the fear of something going wrong (though I'm sure that's just a natural reaction). Above all, I'm just not sure what type of parent I'd make, and I'd hate to bring up a person who has issues in adulthood as a result of this .... it just doesn't feel like a natural progression for me (at least just yet).

Can anyone here please tell me if you regret having children? Parenting sounds like such hard work, and despite the love you have for your child and the rewards you get from it, I'd be really curious to know if anyone regrets having them, and if you would do things differently if you had the chance?

I know this could be a difficult question, but I'd really appreciate your honesty.

Thanks

When you're ready, you're ready, and only you can know when that is.

It's a rollercoaster, but for most of us it's the best rollercoaster we'll ever get to ride.

It is not easy, no matter what anyone says, but it is worth it. The early days are the toughest. You won't regret it, although there will be days when you get fed up. But there will be great moments and great days as well.

It is almost certain that you will not be a world champion parent, or a lousy parent. After 14 years at this gig, I reckon that most of us are just OK at being parents - and just OK is all we need to be.

You will fear things going wrong, and sometimes they will. You will get things wrong from time to time, but not as often as you'll get them right.

Whatever you do, your child or children will turn out to be their own people and not yours - and they will have issues of one kind or another when they reach adulthood, because very few of us make it to adulthood without issues of some sort.

The world will turn and turn, and the years will fly by, far faster than you can possibly imagine, and one day your children will leave home - and you will wonder how you will ever cope without having them around.

When you're ready, you're ready, and only you can know when that is.

polly78

newwifey wrote: »

As babygirlz says it lonely, its thankless and its tiresome.

I would never say that my mummys job was thankless, tiresome maybe. As an adult me and my siblings continue to thank our parents for the life they could have had but didn't because they had four children to think of and did.

I do not like (was tempted to use the word abhor) how people now think nothing of "picking and choosing" when they will have kids.

Lets not forget your children are the future and if you do your best with them you will most likely have in 20, 30 yrs time something which a lot of parents are getting now, ie christmases(sp) with all the family there, new year, easter, a summer holiday and various fun times inbetween.

Picture just you and your partner at christmas twenty years from now with no children or grandchildren.....

CK2010

Deleted User wrote: »

When you're ready, you're ready, and only you can know when that is.

for some people its obvious but others dont know if they're ready or think they're not (i know i did when i became pregnant at 16!) until they actually become pregnant and get roughly 9 months to prepare and come round to it and then once you hold the baby something just clicks. you go from being unsure to knowing for a fact that you're gonna do everything you can for this little person. theres nothing like it! but i dont think anyone can be truely ready for parenthood, the good and the bad, you just adapt as you go along and hope for the best!
you'll never really know til you have them but once they're there you wont be able to survive without them!

metrovelvet

I know someone who said she wished she had abortions on her three kids and spent most of her life in TEsco.

Who knows, she could have been having a bad day that day... people say stuff

Irish_Elect_Eng

I do not regret having my three sons.

But.....For everything worth having in this life there is a price that must be paid to achieve it and must be paid to maintain it.

It is up to each individual to decide if the price for any achievement is worth the investment.

CathyMoran

No, I do not regret our son who is over 13 months and am heavily pregnant (on watch) with our daugher, I wanted them all my life but in my early 30's when we wanted them I became very ill so had my son at 36 and am now 37. We have trememdous fun with him (even though it is very tiring) and are loving being parents, every day he does little things that add up. I still get a thrill from seeing this little person that I wanted all my life asleep and try to imagine what he is dreaming about - I love him!

KittyeeTrix

Had my ist child relatively young when I just turned 20. It was really difficult watching my friends/sisters heading on nights out, holidays, carefree trips to town/beach etc

I clearly remember when he was only a month old sitting in the bathroom with tears streaming down my face after a phone call from my best friend asking if I was going out with them that night whilst hearing him crying for yet another feed in the next room, I thought at the time that "life well and truly sucked":(

Fast forward 17 years and 4 kids later, I'm now in the position where my sisters and friends have young kids and they now are tied up immensely with them whereas I've gotten "my life" back, so to speak. I'm headed into 4th year of a science degree and am ready to embark on the next chapter of life.

Hopefully I will live to a grand age (80's) and will have the opportunity to see my grandkids reach their 30's and possibly even have the opportunity to meet my great grandchildren.

While it was tough when they and I were younger I don't regret a single thing:)

The future is unknown and likely full of exciting times because of the children I've had!!

LegacyUser

Hi again,

This is the OP here, thanks so much for all the replies, it has been very interesting reading and a lot of food for thought

My OH and I have been together 10 years and I know without a doubt that he'll be an amazing father, very hands on and doting so that's a huge plus for me to know I'll have his support 100%.

We've done all the travelling we wanted, have good careers, lived abroad and take a couple of foreign holidays a year so I'm hoping when the time comes to have a baby, there won't be any resentment there as we've lived our lives to the fullest up to now. I definitely can't see myself in my 50's with no family there, and I guess if I'm honest, I already know that we will have a family, but I'm just scared Once you take the plunge, there is absolutely NO going back, and that for me is terrifying because you don't know what you're going to start .... Funny though that the baby part doesn't scare me (I LOVE newborns) but the toddler (exhaustion 24/7) and early teen years freak the bejasus out of me. I just don't know how to relate!!!

I'd hate also the idea of leaving it too late and finding out maybe that I LOVE kids at the age of 36/37 and not being able to have more .. that would be awful.

I suppose there never is a right time, but I don't think I'm the type of person who will ever be 100% ready either. It's a tough one!!!

lolli

I had my daughter 16 months ago at the age of 25. She has had lots of health issues which is hard, but everytime I see those bright blue eyes and that big smile I know that she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Sometimes I feel my heart will burst with love for her. I always stated that I would NEVER have children and that I never had a maternal bone in my body. It has shocked me at how much I love this little person and how much I want to protect her.

Noffles

What a stupid comment?

I said I regretted it, I never said I never loved them.

Luckily I'm still young enough and they are old enough for me and them to no longer rely on each other so much and all feel we're able to do our own thing.

So please, don't presume so much.

stovelid wrote: »

Put them up for adoption then.

At least that way, somebody might appreciate them.

bubbaloo

I always wanted children. Then when the time came, it took us 7 years and 2 m/c and a lot of miracles before our little man came along - he's now 2.
I must admit I found it very difficult. I had spent 7 years building the dream of what motherhood would be but when it happened I didn't bond with him and felt nothing for him. I had a lot of external issues in my life and I ended up with post-natal depression, on happy pills and going to counselling. I certainly spent the first year regretting having him - I wanted to give him away. I spent some of the second year feeling the same.
It is only in recent months that I have thought about the reality of what life would be like without him and I think it would be lonely and quiet.
I love him now but I still don't feel the enormity of love that others talk about. I live now in the hope that my love for him will continue to increase as it has done over the past year - that's all I can hope for now. I missed out on so much at the beginning because I was so wrapped up in my own feelings and how he affected my life. I mourned my previous life and I was so messed up I thought I could give him away and go back to a "normal" relationship with my husband and a "normal" life with my friends. It is only in hindsight that I realise how crazy I was to think I could do that.
My regrets now are that I let my own selfishness dictate my first 18 months of motherhood - having fought so long and hard to have him.
Some people (some of my friends) never get to experience parenthood and I feel guilty towards them.
I'm sorry if I've come across as a big heap of negativity but it's been very difficult to admit my feelings - as someone else said, it's taboo - but it happens and ignoring it doesn't prevent it happening to other people.
I think I would regret it in the future if I had given up without ever having him. All you can do is think about how your life will be if you don't have children and, although it sounds like you have already decided you do want children, which life would you prefer?
Best of luck.

Cat Melodeon

I always had it in my head that I would have kids but could never picture myself actually being pregnant and having them. Had a few serious relationships in my teens and twenties, could have had kids then but it didn't feel right - because of partner, timing, mostly because of me. I met my now husband in my late twenties and knew he was 'the one'. The timing still wasn't right though - we were living abroad, working, partying, studying etc and having a pretty good time of it. Eventually we got to a more settled phase where partying was fairly limited because of work commitments and friends having families and just hitting that stage in life where there are better things to be doing, like getting up early to take the dogs for a long walk in the countryside or just enjoying life without a hangover. At that point, there wasn't really any major change in lifestyle to be made, so aged 35 we had our first.

It was a pretty major change, but I certainly wouldn't call it a sacrifice of any sort. We still have a social life, although it's not the kind of messy drunken crap that we got up to years ago. We still have plenty of crack with our friends, even if it's more likely to be in a park or at a bbq than in a pub or club. We tend to be in bed earlier than I ever imagined, but the flipside is that we do more with our weekends than we ever did before - meeting friends, going off for drives & hikes, exploring the countryside, visiting family in far-off places etc. People who are only into clubbing etc might imagine that to be terminally dull and there are times when I miss being footloose and fancy free, but I wouldn't swap for the world. Our wee man is an absolute howl and we just love spending time with him and watching him develop and grow. Our second is on the way and we're looking forward to growing our family a bit more. We have a good family and a good babysitter so we haven't given up everything that we did before, we just do it a bit less often.

If you have a good solid relationship, make time for your partner in your life, make sure to leave space for yourself as an individual, and provided there are no unforeseen disasters (like financial messes, divorce, evil spawn children) you will not regret having kids. Just make sure you are ready first. If you are thinking about it now, at 30, you still have a few years before you have to take the plunge. Don't leave it too long though, early mornings get harder as you get older!

cynder

Don't regret having mine at all, I will be 37 when my eldest is 18, still young enough, and when my youngest is 18 i will be 44. They do say life begins at 40 and that's why all the kids are grown up and independent and able to look after themselves.

Ive got a few tough years ahead with my eldest being diabetic and the youngest having issues, but we will get through it. Married to my guy nearly 3 years even though we have been together for 13 years. Life does revolve around the kids in the early years and i wouldn't want it any other way.

Give it another 15-20 years and i will welcome the grandkids........

Fittle

I remember being pregnant, and people telling me constantly 'the first year is the hardest'. But that's just not true.

The first 4/5 years are the hardest. Until your child is old enough to understand rationalising (if you do this, you don't get that etc), parenting is very challenging (well, for me it was anyway). I found when my son was about 5, that I really started to enjoy being a parent. And now he's 9, and hand on heart, I love every minute of being his mum...but it was a long road to get here:rolleyes:

babygirlz

CK2010 wrote: »

thats what myself and the OH have planned! we'll be out clubbing with her! we can enjoy our 'missed years' with the maturity not to make the silly mistakes we would have at that age! win win!

Hopefully she won't be like me then, hiding in the toilets when I saw my mam in the club as I was SO embarrassed to see her there, she had me at 18 so by the time I was 18/19 she was reliving the youth she lost out on

furiousox

stovelid wrote: »

Put them up for adoption then.
At least that way, somebody might appreciate them.

That's a nasty comment....

OP despite what you read here I don't think anyone is ever "ready" to have children despite what they may think.
I also think you should listen more to how you feel, not how others do.
If you have any doubts at all, if you enjoy the sense of freedom you have I would think long and hard about proceeding with children.
Do you truly cherish being able to do what you want when you want to?
Could you sacrifice that for maybe 10 years or more?
With children, the child comes first and your needs a looong way back in second place.
If you feel you are willing to make that sacrifice, maybe even embrace that sacrifice then ok but if you are unsure....

PS The theory for succesful parenting is quite simple, all you need is endless love and endless patience.
Theory is one thing of course and practice is another!
Good luck whatever you choose.

Rob113

For me the best thing that ever happened to me was having my 2 girls. The first was born after I had just turned 20. Yes my life changed forever and I missed out on travelling, nights out, carefree living etc..... But to have one of my daughters look me in the eye and tell me they love me and know that they mean it more than anything else in the world makes it more than worthwhile. I don't intend having anymore kids and I only get to see them at the weekends now, meaning I have zero chance of a social life until they are older but still I don't regret them one bit. They are my life and as long as they need me to be there for them then I will be. Do I feel like I'm missing out on anything, no absolutely not. I'll be early 40's by the time the youngest is 18. Plenty of time for me to do all the things I've missed out on then. Do it op before its too late, you won't regret it one bit.

reitseal

polly78 wrote: »

I Thinking you want kids in your forties wouldn't be a good thing. I had my wee boy when I was 21 and now at 33 really appreciate the "still young enough to get what he's on about" knowing and liking mtv chart show!.

Please don't judge mothers on the basis of their age because believe me, that has nothing to do with the quality of mother you are. I know many great (first time) mums in their forties and some (imo) pretty crap much younger mothers. Also vice versa by the way. You don't have to be 20 to have a good handle on popular culture y'know :rolleyes:

Nobody will ever say they regret having kids but tbh that doesn't = that they're doing a great job of parenting so it's kind of a moot point. Whatever your age or circs, you're either ready/a good candidate to have kids or not and lots of people aren't, which is why there are so many kids in bad setups.

Anyway back on topic OP, have kids whenever you decide to ... or not. Just try and get any of those things you wanted to do with your life out of the way first. Kids tie you down, but in a good way when you're ready...

giftgrub

We have a two year old boy who has what you might call and "independent streak".

He's torn the house asunder...he doesn't do anything we ask, he has the dog terrorised and if it isnt nailed down or covered in duct tape he'll get into it.

We're from small families so there isnt a lot of support in terms of babysitting etc, we have to rely on friends. A night out has to be planned a month in advance.

We still don't get an uninterrupted night's sleep, generally he'll mooch in to our room at around 4am.

Some days we want to kill him, he can be a total p***k.

But then he'll climb up on the couch beside you and watch a cartoon sitting on your lap, or he'll give you a hug...

He's our first and we've decided we wont be having another one, I think we're at the toughest stage right now but I'm hoping it'll all be worth it.

Oh the thing that really suprised me about becoming a dad was the worry...not only do i worry about him sticking his hand in the toaster, but i worry about what kind of man he'll be.

Anyway, if you go for it its all ahead of you...and the best piece of advice we were given was by our GP, who said Do whatever works for you and don't mind anyone else.

Sleepy

There are days when I mourn the life I had planned out for myself (search my past posts on boards.ie long enough and you'll find grand notions of driving a jeep around the world!). I never got to travel the world as I'd dreamed of, nor take the job in Sydney I was in the middle of interviewing for when I found out my partner was pregnant.

I regret not having had my own life more sorted out professionally, financially and geographically before having had my daughter. I'd prefer to raise children at home in Galway than here in Dublin for reasons of safety, culture and support network but family circumstances prevent that.

Changing any of those things though, would change who my daughter is and since she's without doubt the best thing in my life I wouldn't change having had her for a euromillions win.