Dating someone nice...strange text received

LegacyUser

Okay, so let me start by saying I'm not exactly anxious or baffled about what I'm about to tell you, but I'd like people's views.

So, I've been seeing this girl I met online for the past three weeks. We live a little apart from each other, and we've only met twice so far, with a third date arranged for Sunday.

We exchanged phone numbers prior to meeting, and texted each other occassionally and sporadically for a few days prior to meeting. I like the sporadic nature of the texting, because I don't really like it when girls you barely know bombard you with texts and expect rapid replies. So I like that this girl isn't demanding on the texting front.

Before we met in person, she told me she was a little shy. I suggested that we chat for a while on the phone prior to meeting if she liked. She said no, that she prefers to wait until she meets someone in person. Totally cool with me, not a problem.

Met up, had date, went very well. We both agreed we had a great conversation.

Mild, sporadic texting continued until our second date, for which she suggested she spend the afternoon and evening with me in my town. She came, we had a great time, excellent first kiss, and a great conversation until she reluctantly drove home at 11pm after more prolonged kissing.

More sporadic texting this week, very much mutual, very casual, no aggro or pressure to reply, etc.

I suggested I give her a call during the week for a chat, but she said she couldn't take it as she was busy. Absolutely fine by me, nothing to get remotely excited about. Today she texted and suggested a nice date for Sunday, to which I agreed.

Now for the strange part:

When I agreed to her date suggestion, I replied

sounds good to me. battery is lowish. will give you a call later on tonight if you're free

Why did I do this? Well, why not? It's just chat. I mean we exchanged saliva at length, and have seen each other twice. So the idea of a casual chat on the phone seems normal enough to me.

Her reply:

Can I ask why you are so keen on ringing me? because i don't like talking very much on the phone sorry

Bear in mind in three weeks I've only suggested a phone call three times, quite casually.

I replied:

Hmm. Genuinely I don't think I've ever met anyone who doesn't like taking the occasional phone call. Phoning is a pretty normal thing for me. Plus, I like your voice. I don't mind though. I can live with your aversion to it!

Her reply:

Well it's just that I don't like talking on the phone 1. to people I don't know thaaat well and 2. just for the sake of it. It's not that I don't like it in general. Anyway I'm out again tonight so it wouldn't have worked out

I haven't replied to this, because I'm unsure if it's a slap down for suggesting something pretty normal or if I'm just interpreting it wrongly. I mean, from my point of view, chatting on the phone would help us to get to know each other a little better in between seeing each other. So it's not "for the sake of it". I've a golden rule that I don't get into debates over texts because of the potential for misinterpretation. I'm just a little confused about her attitude. She's warm and affectionate during our dates, she suggested our third date, yet this text has a bit of a bite to it.

Am I imagining things?

Thanks

Kimia

I like your style OP. So many men these days are happy to skulk behind texts so I think it's great that you wanted to move on to actual phone calls. She sounds either painfully shy or a bit weird tbh! What's wrong with talking on the phone! I mean, what if you guys end up progressing and getting into an actual relationship - no phone calls ever?

It depends really on how much you like this girl. If you feel you can live with the weirdness, by all means go for it. It sounds like everything else is going well. Then when you know each other much better you can say 'What was up with that phone call thing?'.

Some people are just odd.

Hazys

Wow dude, let it go. You are making mountains out of mole hills and to be fair 99.9% of people wouldnt see it as even a mole hill.

She doesnt like talking on the phone especially when she doesnt really know the person, a lot of people don't, i dont.

Respect her wishes.


If you want to go on more dates and further in the relationship, she has to be comfortable with you. Telling her how to act normally and trying to put her in an awkward situation for her, will only drive her away.

I am a friend

I hate asking on the phone but would suck it up to arrange a date. In saying that maybe she is very shy and nervous about making a balls of it on the phone. Meet her and mention it to her. Don't forget texts can appear harsher then they are intended

She might view it as you making an issue if she already doesn't like it in the first place. As in, for people who generally chat on the phone it might seem fine, but to someone who doesn't like to talk on the phone, every single mention will be a big deal.
I suppose you had best leave it for now, stop trying to arrange calls, and bring it up again in the future.

Monkey61

Hmm..the tone of her text was a bit weird, but then text messages do tend to be very open to interpretation. Personally I am not a fan of phone calls. I can't be arsed with them except for arranging plans. And after 2 dates with someone I would probably still be quite nervous, especially if I liked them a lot. I might be worried about making a good impression which in turn would lead me to panic about awkward silences on the phone etc. This could be what she is thinking.

Also, seeing her and getting to know her on dates is enough. I don't think you need to be doing that on the phone. Why waste good "getting to know you" conversations by not having them in person.

Or, some people just really hate phone conversations. I have been with my girlfriend for over a year. I could count on one hand the amount of times that we have had a conversation on the phone that wasn't a brief "here are directions to the pub I'm in" or "the train is delayed so I'll be late" etc. In fact, I think the only phone conversation we have ever had that lasted over 1 minute was on Christmas day. She actually HATES talking on the phone and will do anything to avoid it. It is a bit weird, but it is just one of those things.

So don't stress about it. It sounds like she likes you and she has said that she doesn't want to have random calls, so leave her be. She asked you out on a date. Be happy about it. Enjoy looking forward to it and getting excited about talking to her in person.

Faith

I HATE talking on the phone. I have to prepare myself to answer it if I'm not used to talking to the person. My ex started phoning me a few weeks after we started going out, and for about a week I always just let it go to voicemail. A guy I was supposed to go on a date with another time phoned me and I let it go to voicemail.

Some people don't like it. Deal with it and stick to texting for now. Also, your reply would have really pissed me off. It was patronising and intimated that she's making it up or something. By her reply, you pissed her off too. Go back to texting and don't mention it again IMO.

LegacyUser

Hazys wrote: »

Wow dude, let it go. You are making mountains out of mole hills and to be fair 99.9% of people wouldnt see it as even a mole hill.

Did you even read my OP properly? It seems not. Check the very first sentence.

She doesnt like talking on the phone especially when she doesnt really know the person, a lot of people don't, i dont.

Right, well, clearly I only found that out today. It's not like I knew that all along and have been knowingly badgering her about it. I genuinely don't know anyone who dislikes phone calls. No girl I've ever dated before has had this attitude. Hence my curiosity and confusion, which is why I started this thread.

Respect her wishes.

What's with the imperative? Where did I say I would not respect her wishes?

If you want to go on more dates and further in the relationship, she has to be comfortable with you. Telling her how to act normally and trying to put her in an awkward situation for her, will only drive her away.

Again, did you actually read my OP? Where did I tell her what's normal? She asked me why I wanted to call her; I replied that for me, calling is a pretty normal thing. Am I supposed to defer and not answer a straight question with a straight answer.

Seriously man, read posts a little more carefully before issuing sharp replies.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

I HATE talking on the phone. I have to prepare myself to answer it if I'm not used to talking to the person. My ex started phoning me a few weeks after we started going out, and for about a week I always just let it go to voicemail. A guy I was supposed to go on a date with another time phoned me and I let it go to voicemail.

Some people don't like it. Deal with it and stick to texting for now. Also, your reply would have really pissed me off. It was patronising and intimated that she's making it up or something. By her reply, you pissed her off too. Go back to texting and don't mention it again IMO.

Cheers for this. Lesson learned. Like I said, I just never met anyone like that before. I'll bear it in mind. My reply wasn't supposed to be patronising at all - like I said to the other poster, it was intended as a straight answer to a straight question. Why do I want to call her? Because it's normal for me and because I like her. It wasn't supposed to be a put-down for her, just an answer to her question. Also, there was a compliment thrown in there too.

What do you think I should do right now in terms of a reply?

BTW: This is exactly why I prefer calls to texts. You interpreted my text in a way which I most certainly did not intend. That rarely happens when people chat I find. Texting is dangerous!!

LegacyUser

Monkey61 wrote: »

Hmm..the tone of her text was a bit weird, but then text messages do tend to be very open to interpretation. Personally I am not a fan of phone calls. I can't be arsed with them except for arranging plans. And after 2 dates with someone I would probably still be quite nervous, especially if I liked them a lot. I might be worried about making a good impression which in turn would lead me to panic about awkward silences on the phone etc. This could be what she is thinking.

Also, seeing her and getting to know her on dates is enough. I don't think you need to be doing that on the phone. Why waste good "getting to know you" conversations by not having them in person.

Or, some people just really hate phone conversations. I have been with my girlfriend for over a year. I could count on one hand the amount of times that we have had a conversation on the phone that wasn't a brief "here are directions to the pub I'm in" or "the train is delayed so I'll be late" etc. In fact, I think the only phone conversation we have ever had that lasted over 1 minute was on Christmas day. She actually HATES talking on the phone and will do anything to avoid it. It is a bit weird, but it is just one of those things.

So don't stress about it. It sounds like she likes you and she has said that she doesn't want to have random calls, so leave her be. She asked you out on a date. Be happy about it. Enjoy looking forward to it and getting excited about talking to her in person.

Again, thanks very much for this. My eyes are being opened here

Do you think I should apologise over text for any offence caused, or just let it be?

Hazys

2textornot2text wrote: »

Did you even read my OP properly? It seems not. Check the very first sentence.

The fact that you posted about it here and questioned her on it, signals to me that you are making more of it than you should if you dont care

Right, well, clearly I only found that out today. It's not like I knew that all along and have been knowingly badgering her about it. I genuinely don't know anyone who dislikes phone calls. No girl I've ever dated before has had this attitude. Hence my curiosity and confusion, which is why I started this thread.

All i'm saying is there are a lot of people who dont like talking on the phone, you dont believe that.

What's with the imperative? Where did I say I would not respect her wishes?

Really? She said she didnt like talking on the phone, then you sent a condesending msg back to her, belittling her wishes.

Again, did you actually read my OP? Where did I tell her what's normal?
She asked me why I wanted to call her; I replied that for me, calling is a pretty normal thing. Am I supposed to defer and not answer a straight question with a straight answer.

When you sent this "Genuinely I don't think I've ever met anyone who doesn't like taking the occasional phone call." See underlined also

Seriously man, read posts a little more carefully before issuing sharp replies.

.

LegacyUser

Hazys:

1. I posted this thread to satisfy my curiosity and get opinions. Clearly it was good that I did this, because I learned something. Not everyone who posts here has a bee in their bonnet. I just was confused about a relationship issue, hence I thought I'd use this resource to get an answer. It's not like I'm having palpitations here!

2. Having read your post and Faith's post and Monkey61's post, I do believe you all. And I believe that the girl I'm seeing is like you three. I'm just glad I found out here, because believe me it is not common. Now that I know about it, I can act accordingly and not bother her about the phone again.

3. My reply to her was NOT intended to be patronising or condescending in the least! It has been misinterpreted. She clearly asked me why I wanted to call her and the answer for me is that it's normal for me to call people. Clearly she is sensitive about this issue, but I genuinely did not know that some people actually dread or have a deep dislike for the phone. If I had known that, I would not even have raised the issue at all.

Also, like I said above, this is exactly why i prefer talking to texting. Texting is inferior because misinterpretations and misunderstandings become inevitable, as has happened here.

LegacyUser

With all due respect, OP, you posted looking for opinions and Hayzs simply gave their opinion...

I'd be inclined to be with them in this case... the girl said that she doesn't like talking on the phone. Some people just don't. It's not necessarily 'weird', it's just a thing. Like someone said above, she's probably afraid of the awkward silences and that it might get comfortable. She might not be very good at communicating over the phone. I know that I much prefer face to face contact (like most people) and feel a little uncomfortable on the phone to someone who I'm 'supposed' to be relaxed with, if that makes sense.

To be fair, your first reply to her was a BIT patronising... she told you she didn't want to talk on the phone, and you sort of backed her into a corner and made her feel that she wasn't 'normal' for not wanting to talk on the phone.

In any case, I'm sure it's totally rectifiable, so you've nowt to worry about once you meet up with her and explain where you were coming from.

Faith

2textornot2text wrote: »

Cheers for this. Lesson learned. Like I said, I just never met anyone like that before. I'll bear it in mind. My reply wasn't supposed to be patronising at all - like I said to the other poster, it was intended as a straight answer to a straight question. Why do I want to call her? Because it's normal for me and because I like her. It wasn't supposed to be a put-down for her, just an answer to her question. Also, there was a compliment thrown in there too.

What do you think I should do right now in terms of a reply?

BTW: This is exactly why I prefer calls to texts. You interpreted my text in a way which I most certainly did not intend. That rarely happens when people chat I find. Texting is dangerous!!

I'd reply with something like "I'm sorry, I was thrown because I've never known anyone who doesn't like the phone before! But of course I'm happy to stick to texting if that's what you'd like :-). I'm really looking forward to seeing you on Sunday. yadda yadda yadda".

Texting can be dangerous, yes. That's what smilies are for! They convey emotion when words can't.

LegacyUser

jhhhj wrote: »

With all due respect, OP, you posted looking for opinions and Hayzs simply gave their opinion...

I'd be inclined to be with them in this case... the girl said that she doesn't like talking on the phone. Some people just don't. It's not necessarily 'weird', it's just a thing. Like someone said above, she's probably afraid of the awkward silences and that it might get comfortable. She might not be very good at communicating over the phone. I know that I much prefer face to face contact (like most people) and feel a little uncomfortable on the phone to someone who I'm 'supposed' to be relaxed with, if that makes sense.

To be fair, your first reply to her was a BIT patronising... she told you she didn't want to talk on the phone, and you sort of backed her into a corner and made her feel that she wasn't 'normal' for not wanting to talk on the phone.

In any case, I'm sure it's totally rectifiable, so you've nowt to worry about once you meet up with her and explain where you were coming from.

Those are fair points. When I replied to Hayzs I was still unaware that my text could have been interpreted as condescending, that's why I was baffled by the tone of his/her reply and thought it was rather sharp.

I can see now that it could indeed be interpreted in a way I didn't intend, in which case Hayzs' post makes a lot more sense now than it did when I first read it.

I just sent her this text:

That's no problem ***, I didn't mean to put you under any pressure. And anyway, real-world conversations are better than phone chats. Hope you have a nice night

I really hope I haven't turned her off me. My intentions were really good: ask if I could call her to show her that I like her and am interested in her. To pay her some attention, but also to satisfy myself because I enjoy chatting to her.

I guess I've just become more assertive....and hence speak my mind more. In my last two relationships I caved in way too much and was walked on. I was waaay too accommodating about the little things (and the *big* things) and I was made to feel unreasonable for seeking mutual give and take. So I think now I'm just a little allergic to anything that has a whiff of being unreasonable or unequal.

ElleEm

For the first couple of months I was with my boyfriend I would constantly "miss" his calls. I would not answer them on purpose and text him instead.
I was so paranoid about whether I would have enough to chat about, whether he would think I was boring etc. that I physically could not answer the phone to him. Maybe your girl feels a bit like this?
Just go at her pace!

Maple

To be fair OP, I don't see anything wrong with what you've done. I prefer talking to texting, think so much can be misconstrued by texts as it's hard to convey tone.

It's not the crime of the century and personally I think her response was a tad rude and strange really. I'd have been seriously disconcerted if I said I'd call someone and they came back to ask why I was pushing on speaking to them on the phone.

I think her response put you off kilter and what you came back with upset her. I think there was a pair of you in it.

For the minute i'd just chalk it down and move on, try and forget about it, continue on in the vein of texting and then hanging out. It's early days so who knows but in a few weeks you guys could be nattering happily on the phone.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Maple wrote: »

It's not the crime of the century and personally I think her response was a tad rude and strange really. I'd have been seriously disconcerted if I said I'd call someone and they came back to ask why I was pushing on speaking to them on the phone.

I think her response put you off kilter and what you came back with upset her. I think there was a pair of you in it.

It really did put me off kilter. I read her reply and was like "is she serious?" It just seemed kind of cold or mind-gamey to me.

Maple

2textornot2text wrote: »

It really did put me off kilter. I read her reply and was like "is she serious?" It just seemed kind of cold or mind-gamey to me.

I can completely understand that. Honestly I'd be thinking "well what's the point in this really if we're never going to talk", I'd feel very shut down.

But that's because we see nothing wrong with talking on the phone and are comfortable doing it.

For the minute this girl isn't comfortable with talking to you on the phone, just accept it for the minute, it's such early days and it's not really a deal-breaker.

This is just a blip so I'd move past it and not give it any more head space.

Lorrrrraine

I had an ex like this, any time I suggested a phonecall I'd be ignored or given an excuse. Some people just don't like phonecalls but my ex was phobic about them.
Is she single for sure? This is bit of a stretch but if she's living with a boyfriend...
Or maybe she is defensive about it because she's worried she won't be able to keep a conversation on the phone?
Finally, maybe she was just in bad form!

[-0-]

My GF used to hate talking on the phone, even when we were at the "I Love You" stage. It's taken a while but she's finally OK with it and often calls me out of the blue now. She still doesn't like placing orders, etc on the phone. Let her be man, and just text away.

diverdad

2textornot2text wrote: »

So, I've been seeing this girl I met online for the past three weeks. We live a little apart from each other, and we've only met twice so far, with a third date arranged for Sunday.

You have seen this girl twice in 3 weeks and exchanged a few kisses. Thats all.
You didn't mention if it was a Dating Site or FB or whatever. Perhaps she is keeping her options open with the guys she has met online. She may actually be at a getting to know stage with somebody else - or not.

Phone calls from one potential suitor when in the company of another might be awkward.

I personally was never one to carry on phone chat and would always prefer the face to face; my woman on the other hand will talk on the phone until her ear falls off.

Miss Fluff

Faith wrote: »

I HATE talking on the phone. I have to prepare myself to answer it if I'm not used to talking to the person. My ex started phoning me a few weeks after we started going out, and for about a week I always just let it go to voicemail. A guy I was supposed to go on a date with another time phoned me and I let it go to voicemail.

Some people don't like it. Deal with it and stick to texting for now. Also, your reply would have really pissed me off. It was patronising and intimated that she's making it up or something. By her reply, you pissed her off too. Go back to texting and don't mention it again IMO.

I'm the exact same as you Faith. I really despise talking on the phone and even to some of my best mates and family I almost have to gear myself up. It's a funny one because I'm very sociable and have lots to talk about but I almost find calls a little intrusive and especially from someone I don't know/know well. Just take her at her word OP and don't even make reference to it again. Not a peep. Continue with the texting and tell her you look forward to seeing her again. If you labour this point she is going to feel cornered and under pressure so just leave it and accept her views on the subject.

G86

2textornot2text wrote: »

It really did put me off kilter. I read her reply and was like "is she serious?" It just seemed kind of cold or mind-gamey to me.

I'd agree to be honest, the tone of the text was a bit 'eh, why are you calling me', when in reality it's a perfectly natural thing to do with someone you're dating!

I personally don't understand the problem with talking on the phone, but obviously it's an issue for some people and that's cool. However, I still think her reply was a bit stand offish for my liking. She referred to you as someone she doesn't know well, but sure isn't the point of dating actually getting to know someone? And if there's a bit of distance involved then talking on the phone is a good way of doing that.

I don't know OP, I know people are saying she it's her prerogative etc., but it's just a bit fishy to me.

LegacyUser

G86 wrote: »

I don't know OP, I know people are saying she it's her prerogative etc., but it's just a bit fishy to me.

Yes, my instincts are telling me there's something not quite right about it alright. I'm kinda glad at last that a few people have posted who can kind of see things from my point of view. I'm a gentleman, and respectful, but this isn't *all* about her and her feelings.

diverdad wrote:

You have seen this girl twice in 3 weeks and exchanged a few kisses. Thats all.
You didn't mention if it was a Dating Site or FB or whatever. Perhaps she is keeping her options open with the guys she has met online. She may actually be at a getting to know stage with somebody else - or not.

Phone calls from one potential suitor when in the company of another might be awkward.

Hey. Thanks for that diverdad. You've got me thinking! It was a dating website. I did ask her casually on our second date if she had met anyone else on the website, and she said she hadn't even logged into it. I haven't checked mine. My own philosophy is that when I start dating someone, don't see other people at the same time. While I of course accept that many others don't share my views on this, if it was the case that she is actually dating other guys, I would be a little upset by that to be honest and I'd give her her marching orders.

Lorrrraine wrote:

Is she single for sure? This is bit of a stretch but if she's living with a boyfriend...

We had a pretty long conversation about past relationships on our second date. She said she has been single for four years (she's 27).

Or maybe she is defensive about it because she's worried she won't be able to keep a conversation on the phone?
Finally, maybe she was just in bad form!

All possibilities! She never replied to my conciliatory text last night. Given the sporadic nature of our previous texts, this isn't a cause for concern, but... hm. I thought things were going well. The last thing I need now is a relationship that is hard work. This seems, right now, like hard work.

G86

2textornot2text wrote: »

The last thing I need now is a relationship that is hard work. This seems, right now, like hard work.

If it was 'right' then it shouldn't be hard work after only 3 weeks.

gubbie

Monkey61 wrote: »

Personally I am not a fan of phone calls. I can't be arsed with them except for arranging plans. And after 2 dates with someone I would probably still be quite nervous, especially if I liked them a lot. I might be worried about making a good impression which in turn would lead me to panic about awkward silences on the phone etc. This could be what she is thinking.

Or, some people just really hate phone conversations. I have been with my girlfriend for over a year. I could count on one hand the amount of times that we have had a conversation on the phone that wasn't a brief "here are directions to the pub I'm in" or "the train is delayed so I'll be late" etc. In fact, I think the only phone conversation we have ever had that lasted over 1 minute was on Christmas day. She actually HATES talking on the phone and will do anything to avoid it. It is a bit weird, but it is just one of those things.

I completely agree with this. I've been with my boyfriend 6 months and have never had a conversation on the phone longer then 5 sentences.

I personally think that if ye guys met on the internet then she probably likes that form of communication, the not having to reply and come up with something witty straight away kind. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill or you'll end up having no one to text. Girls freak out really easily.

I've been really good friends with a girl for 3 years.
My phone very rarely lets me send texts, she knows this.
When she texts me, and I can't text back, I have to call her, as she's the type to worry if I don't reply.
But still, she never picks up if I call her, or anyone else does, unless we're supposed to meet and I'm late.
Some people are just really weird about it. That's life. I myself get a bit nervous if someone official-ish calls, like if I have to ring the county council about my student grant, or if I get an interview (rare!). I'd certainly never ignore a call, but if she's good enough to admit that she's weird about it, sure you might as well just go with it.

In your case, this girl likes you, so there's added pressure to have witty replies. Even the sporadic nature of your texts is probably well thought out and planned by her, in an effort to "stay cool". This takes time and thought and she probably doesn't want to say anything on the phone and then think "crap, why did I say that?!".

Maple

2textornot2text wrote: »

All possibilities! She never replied to my conciliatory text last night. Given the sporadic nature of our previous texts, this isn't a cause for concern, but... hm. I thought things were going well. The last thing I need now is a relationship that is hard work. This seems, right now, like hard work.

Ah here OP, calm down.

It's just a blip, don't go writing it off just yet. You're giving this way too much head space.

See how the next date goes, you guys could get on really well and this niggle will be all behind you.

IrishEyes19

I dont think theres anything fishy about it at all, thats riddiculous. I used to be very bad for phone calls too, that when I was seeing someone and they called me christmas day, at this stage we had only been together for a month, and I was pacing, :eek: before he rang me, because I was so nervous that there would be awkward silences, or nothing to talk about, or something. Of course, the call went fine, but I was nervous about it. So I was very much a texter in the past.

liah

Took me years to get over my fear of talking on the phone (or to strangers in general tbh).

She's just shy - it's not weird, or at least, I don't think it is; certainly, it shouldn't be held against her, anyway.

It's kind of hard to explain as it's more a way I felt than an actual thought process, so I apologize if this isn't hugely coherent, but it's just kind of this pit-in-your-stomach feeling when you think about the prospect of having to force a conversation. Silence from pauses on the phone can seem pretty overwhelming, because you're expected to fill those silences - as a shy person that idea can be very nervewracking if you're no good at it. Face to face is different, you can fill up the silences with actions that make silences seem less conspicuous.

And I completely get her "I don't like talking on the phone with people I don't know THAT well" reason - I could talk on the phone to my mom or whatever, but I hadn't a hope of talking to an acquaintance or new friend. Mainly because of the fear of silence/not knowing the person well enough to make conversation stuff. It changes the more you get to know someone, as you know their interests and they know more about yours, conversation becomes more fluid and then the phone becomes less scary and pressure-filled.

Just respect her wishes on it til she knows you better, going from what she's said it'll probably just take awhile longer than normal but she'll be able for it eventually.