Living at home, started seeing someone, no overnight guests rule :-(

LegacyUser

I'm 28, a guy, and due to economic circumstances I had to move back in with my parents last year. I do not pay them rent but buy my own food, etc.

My parents have a policy that girlfriends cannot sleep in the same bed as me overnight. This was never a problem before, since I always had my own place. Until last year that is.

Anyway, I've just started seeing someone very nice. The problem is that she is 27, an au pair (so she can't have overnight guests herself), and she lives about an hour's drive from me (so meeting is awkward).

We've been on a few dates and it looks like a good relationship could develop from it. There's potential there.

Sooner rather than later it's going to become unviable to simply meet with this girl in her town or in my local town. We can't spend all our time in pubs, cafes and parks. It's expensive and not comfortable for two people who are starting to see/getting to know each other.

I would like to invite her to my house for a dvd and dinner some evening, and I would like it if she didn't have to drive home afterwards. I'd like it if she could stay the night, and, if things go well, I'd like for this to happen regularly.

I would be willing to tell my parents that I can sleep on a couch if this girl can have my bed. But I'd also like to hang out with her in my room, to watch a dvd there, etc., for comfort and privacy.

The only thing is, I'm not sure how to broach this with my parents. She's not my girlfriend yet, but how do I have this conversation with them? It's not like they are old or overly conservative, but they just have this one issue. I think it's mostly my mother (my father has never said anything about it before). I feel if I can't have adult privacy with this girl, a potentially good relationship will be over before it starts, and I've had a rough year and I see a relationship as part of the re-normalisation of my life.

There must be others in a similar position...

Thanks for reading.

greenprincess

Ya I know its not perfect but the whole couch thing seems like a good idea. If as you said your parents arent too bad it should be fine. At least you'll get more time with her

I am a friend

Well the way I live is ‘my house, my rules…’ The same goes for my parents’ house and I respect that. We are allowed have friends / partners sleep over but they sleep in separate rooms (in my parents house). I am fine with that because it’s their house and they pay the bills.

I respectfully suggest that you can make your own rules when you own your own house but until then, I think you need to live with theirs…

petethebrick

I think your only option is to move to your own place OP. I assume you are unemployed? Well there are plenty of rooms to rent in shared houses for fairly cheap these days and you'll get rent allowance so there's no reason for you to be living at home. I have plenty of unemployed friends managing fine on their own these days. If you have debts etc then it's a different story obviously.

In the short term, the couch idea could work I suppose. And there are loads of cheap hotel deals these days also. You can easily get a room for 50euro for the night. You could do that once or twice a month maybe and make a night of it.
There is always a way! Good luck

LegacyUser

I second Petethebrick, why not get your own place? Not meaning to sound like a total bitch but from a woman's point of view there is no bigger turn off than a grown man who is living with his folks. I've been there, and when you're in your late twenties and can't stay the night at your boyfriends gaff because of his parents it's hard not to start seeing him as a child that needs to grow up. My two cents.

wildlifeman

why not propose the couch thing and when your parents are out you can roger her to your hearts content in the bedroom or on the couch..or wait till they are fast asleep and do her on the couch downstairs descreetly. its fairly easy to work out if you use your imagination.

Korvanica

Couch idea sounds like the best option at the moment OP.

Ive been with my GF for 5 years and when I stay at her house Its the same deal, I sleep in the spare bed...

LegacyUser

daftanddirect wrote: »

Not meaning to sound like a total bitch but from a woman's point of view there is no bigger turn off than a grown man who is living with his folks. I've been there, and when you're in your late twenties and can't stay the night at your boyfriends

Not meaning to sound like a bitch, eh? You don't speak for all of womankind. It's not a turnoff for the girl I'm seeing, seen as how I told her on date #1 and she wanted date #2 to happen, which it did, and very well it went to, as has all the subsequent texting and calls. No one asked you what turns you on or off.

I live at home temporarily because of economic circumstances and she knows that. As soon as I can move out, I won't be seen for dust. There are many in my situation.

Why not get my own place?

1) unemployed
2) just completing an MA to improve my employment prospects
3) borrowed €11.5k from the bank to fund MA and repayments commence in September

I am applying for jobs daily and hope to have found something by early autumn.

ztoical

wildlifeman wrote: »

why not propose the couch thing and when your parents are out you can roger her to your hearts content in the bedroom or on the couch..or wait till they are fast asleep and do her on the couch downstairs descreetly. its fairly easy to work out if you use your imagination.

If the parents have requsted the OP not share a bed with his girlfriend/sort of girlfriend in their house then the OP should respect that and not try sneaking around behind their backs. I don't see why you can't just ask them if she can stay over as they're issue is with her sharing a bed and as long as your on the couch it shouldn't be an issue. It's your parents house and you should respect their wishes and if you can't then you need to look into moving out.

solovely

To be honest, if a guy I had just started seeing and wasn't properly going out with, at 28, asked me to sleep over, watch a DVD in his parents house, knowing it was their house, with all the parental family stuff around, and then said he had to sleep on the couch while I went upstairs to sleep in his childhood bedroom alone, I would feel incredibly weird!! Sorry OP, but it would be very very strange. Do I make small talk with the parents at breakfast the next morning? Do I have to thank them for letting me stay? Can we kiss on the couch or may they walk in? What happens if we want to take it a bit further?

Move out....you're 28, not 18. This whole post sounds like the issue of a teenager. Lots of unemployed people rent with rent allowance. Seriously, it may sound harsh, but if you want any sort of adult relationships to develop, they need to be in your own personal space, not under the watch of your parents.

Some couples do make it work with both living at home (my sister is 28 and her boyfriend is 30 and both live at home), but they didn't start out as such and both have set ups where they can make it work (i.e they are allowed to share bedrooms in both houses, can watch TV/ DVDs in bedroom/ other sitting room, etc.). And even then, it's still far from ideal.

wildlifeman

well some of us live in the real world. can you imagine after a few drinks with the parents out knowing your hot girlfriend was down on the couch, yeah i would totally respect my parents wishes and ignore the tingling in my groin because i must not disrespect ma and pa..c'mon get real. no man is his right mind could handle the temptation.

ztoical

wildlifeman wrote: »

well some of us live in the real world. can you imagine after a few drinks with the parents out knowing your hot girlfriend was down on the couch, yeah i would totally respect my parents wishes and ignore the tingling in my groin because i must not disrespect ma and pa..c'mon get real. no man is his right mind could handle the temptation.

The OP is 28 not 17 so frankly should be able to control themselves and if they can't then they should move out.

LegacyUser

Okay, thanks to those so far who have offered solutions within the specific context I mentioned in my OP.

I did not ask for advice about whether or not I should move out, or about rent allowance. Having lived for the past 10 years independently in three cities and three countries, I did NOT move home lightly, nor do I like living there. It was my only choice, so please don't judge me on the basis of your own unempathetic standards regarding where I should live.

I am not like "a child who doesn't want to grow up" or whatever that barbed comment said.

Like I said above, I'm in economic difficulties, with a thesis to finish and debts to repay from the bank. Moving to a new place in May, with a thesis due in August (hopefully finished by end of June actually), and with hefty debts to repay from August onwards, isn't as easy as it sounds, particularly as I don't know where my new job (when I get it) will be, except that it certainly won't be nearby, or near my university.

To be honest, if a guy I had just started seeing and wasn't properly going out with, at 28, asked me to sleep over, watch a DVD in his parents house, knowing it was their house, with all the parental family stuff around, and then said he had to sleep on the couch while I went upstairs to sleep in his childhood bedroom alone, I would feel incredibly weird!!

Thanks for this. I could have phrased it differently in the OP. I meant, since she lives an hour's drive away, it would be nice if she didn't feel obliged to drive home afterwards. She might be tired, she might like a drink, etc. In which case I'd like to give her the option of crashing at my place. It's not some plot whereby as ask her in advance to stay over. (and it's not my childhood bed btw).

Sorry OP, but it would be very very strange. Do I make small talk with the parents at breakfast the next morning? Do I have to thank them for letting me stay? Can we kiss on the couch or may they walk in? What happens if we want to take it a bit further?

These are the issues I'm seeking advice on in my OP.

I should say, that at 27, this girl is an au pair and that she feels exactly the same as me. She feels she, at 27, should be doing different things. When she lives in her own country, she also lives with her parents, so there is understanding there from her about my (temporary) circumstances. Her circumstances are very similar actually.

Distorted

I don't think you can have your cake and eat it OP. i.e. you are getting the benefits of living at home, mainly saving money and presumably bills etc.. You can't expect the benefits of living independently and inviting people back to stay, since its not your home. I can't believe you would seriously suggest the couch idea - any girl with a hint of respect and self confidence would find this insulting. And if she got the bed and you the couch its still really awkward for your parents. Its such a turn-off. Surely you would book a nice trip away and a stay in a hotel as an alternative to this? To "re-normalise" your life, don't you have to take control of it and give yourself a bit of self respect and independence back? (Not just say you want something and moan that you're not getting your own way).

Sit down and have a chat with them about it and see if any compromise can be reached. Failing that, time to move back out again.

Amtmann

daftanddirect wrote: »

Not meaning to sound like a total bitch but from a woman's point of view there is no bigger turn off than a grown man who is living with his folks.

Perhaps you need to learn how to evaluate an individual's circumstances on a case-by-case basis. I know for a fact that not all women share your views or are as dogmatic as you, particularly considering that (a) there's a major recession on and (b) the OP has clearly stated that he moved home for economic reasons after having lived independently beforehand. I'm sure many women in their 20s have had to move home for similar reasons, reluctantly.

m-a-i-

was in the same position as you but for different reasons.
I think what above posters are suggesting with you taking a sofa is good idea.
I know its hard but their rules need to be respected. Alternatively what you can do is book a night in a hotel, have a nice meal and then had the night to yourselves. I don't know how your parents feel about this but it might be a good compromise

seamus

For the short-term, I think booking nights or weekends away might be your best bet. I know you're not flush with cash, but you should be able to get a relatively good deal in a hotel or B & B. You're effectively both in the same situation, there's no reason why it should be the man's responsibility alone to supply somewhere to get intimate.
Once you're out of the house it's none of your parents' business who you're with or what you're doing, but I would always side with the "their house, their rules" brigade, regardless of how unreasonable your parents are.

As far as dates go, I'm presuming that you're talking about bundling your parents out of the house for that evening? This would make everything a whole lot simpler as you don't have to be hiding out in your bedroom for privacy. Just tell your parents that you want to have a quiet night in with her, takeaway and a DVD and would they mind heading off down the pub or something. If they bring up the "where is she going to stay" issue, then just say that you were thinking of letting her stay in your bed while you slept on the couch. Your parents might surprise you and tell you to stay with her.

It would probably also help immensely if your parents got to meet her early enough on, in the daytime, in their home, so that she's no longer just some girl that you're going out with. Bring her over for lunch or something and then head out for a walk or whatever. Cheap date, parents might relax, win-win.

ibarelycare

seamus wrote: »

For the short-term, I think booking nights or weekends away might be your best bet. I know you're not flush with cash, but you should be able to get a relatively good deal in a hotel or B & B. You're effectively both in the same situation, there's no reason why it should be the man's responsibility alone to supply somewhere to get intimate.
Once you're out of the house it's none of your parents' business who you're with or what you're doing, but I would always side with the "their house, their rules" brigade, regardless of how unreasonable your parents are.

As far as dates go, I'm presuming that you're talking about bundling your parents out of the house for that evening? This would make everything a whole lot simpler as you don't have to be hiding out in your bedroom for privacy. Just tell your parents that you want to have a quiet night in with her, takeaway and a DVD and would they mind heading off down the pub or something. If they bring up the "where is she going to stay" issue, then just say that you were thinking of letting her stay in your bed while you slept on the couch. Your parents might surprise you and tell you to stay with her.

It would probably also help immensely if your parents got to meet her early enough on, in the daytime, in their home, so that she's no longer just some girl that you're going out with. Bring her over for lunch or something and then head out for a walk or whatever. Cheap date, parents might relax, win-win.

+1 on this entire post.

OP, my bf and I both live with our parents. We're both hoping to move out over the next few months but obviously it's frustrating not being able to just stay with each other whenever we want. We're only together a few months and have spent a lot of time in hotels. My bf was unemployed for the first 6 weeks or so that we were together, so I was very conscious that he mightn't be able to afford things that I could, but we've always been able to find cheap hotels (decent enough ones for €70 a night), get a couple of bottles of cheap wine and just relax without worrying about parents!

If you'd like to impress her with your cooking skills, maybe invite her over for lunch one day instead of dinner. I had told my folks about my new bf but first brought him over to the house one day when they were out and made him lunch. Then when they came home, he was relaxed and the whole "meeting the parents" thing was very easy and comfortable.

After that, when there have been times that he's stayed in the house, there are no issues at all with us having one of the sitting rooms to ourselves for a few hours and then he'll sleep downstairs and I'll sleep upstairs.

It might seem difficult but it is very doable OP. I live near Dublin so there's a huge choices of cheap hotels so I'm not sure if you're in the same situation, but since she lives an hour away I'm sure there are plenty of places between where you both live that you could look for somewhere to stay!

Fentdog84

I think your folks are being a bit unreasonable. You are 28, maybe you should remind them of that. Maybe they are afraid you will be having this girl over every night, which might not be fair on them either, it is their home. Perhaps they could agree to a compromise of maybe one night a week? Introduce this girl to them. If she is a nice girl and they like her or like having her around, they might relax their attitude.

ibarelycare

Fentdog84 wrote: »

I think your folks are being a bit unreasonable. You are 28, maybe you should remind them of that. Maybe they are afraid you will be having this girl over every night, which might not be fair on them either, it is their home. Perhaps they could agree to a compromise of maybe one night a week? Introduce this girl to them. If she is a nice girl and they like her or like having her around, they might relax their attitude.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. I'm sure many of us have gone through the horror of hearing our parents having sex at some stage or another (:(:(:() and have felt absolutely sick...but it's their house!! They're going to feel just as uncomfortable at the thought of hearing one of their children having sex!

Also the OP didn't mention it, but his parents might be religious. My parents are a bit. They know I'm having sex with my bf when I'm away with him for nights or weekends, but they just don't want it happening under their roof because of their beliefs, and that should be respected.

KittyeeTrix

Fentdog84 wrote: »

I think your folks are being a bit unreasonable. You are 28, maybe you should remind them of that. Maybe they are afraid you will be having this girl over every night, which might not be fair on them either, it is their home. Perhaps they could agree to a compromise of maybe one night a week? Introduce this girl to them. If she is a nice girl and they like her or like having her around, they might relax their attitude.

I agrre wiith you on this Fentdog84. I would probably have the same attitude with my son if he were still living at home aged 28. I wouldn't like to think that he would be having his girl over every night of the week but certainly wouldn't mind one night at the weekend kinda thing.

I would advise the OP to do excactly as you suggested and see what comes of it!!

Ms.Odgeynist

ibarelycare wrote: »

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. I'm sure many of us have gone through the horror of hearing our parents having sex at some stage or another (:(:(:() and have felt absolutely sick...but it's their house!! They're going to feel just as uncomfortable at the thought of hearing one of their children having sex!

Also the OP didn't mention it, but his parents might be religious. My parents are a bit. They know I'm having sex with my bf when I'm away with him for nights or weekends, but they just don't want it happening under their roof because of their beliefs, and that should be respected.

By that rationale, when OP gets his own place, he would be within his rights to ask his parents to take off any religious paraphernalia like rosary beads upon entering his house.
Or perhaps he could convert to Islam and ask his Mum to wear a burkha when she visits.
I know there is an old guard who still think 'tis durty to be cavortin 'bove in the bedroom', but please, the man is 28.
Presumably if he marries this girl, the next night he can tie her up, put a ball gag in her mouth, and ravish her, safe in the knowledge that God is looking down and smiling.

ztoical

Ms.Odgeynist wrote: »

By that rationale, when OP gets his own place, he would be within his rights to ask his parents to take off any religious paraphernalia like rosary beads upon entering his house.
Or perhaps he could convert to Islam and ask his Mum to wear a burkha when she visits.
I know there is an old guard who still think 'tis durty to be cavortin 'bove in the bedroom', but please, the man is 28.
Presumably if he marries this girl, the next night he can tie her up, put a ball gag in her mouth, and ravish her, safe in the knowledge that God is looking down and smiling.

At the end of the day it's their house and they've a right to set ground rules regarding what goes on under their roof. It doesn't matter if the OP is 8, 28 or 58. It may have nothing to do with religion and sex before marraige or anything of the like. I know my mum wouldn't want me arriving home with some random guy I hadn't been seeing that long and asking for us to sleep in the same bed and I'm 30 and she's not religious. There are somethings a parent just doesn't want to think about. I had to move home for a few months about 5 years ago after living on my own for nearly 10 years and I only lasted 2 months as my mum smokes and I don't and while she cut down while I was there I had no right to tell her to go outside to smoke in her own house so I moved out.

The OP has never said his parents are overly religious, they also never said he couldn't invite people over or that people couldn't stay over, they simply aren't comfortable with him sharing a bed with a girl while he is living with them, their reasons for this don't matter, it's their house and he is living there rent free. It might be a different kettle of fish if he had moved home while in a long term relationship and they had met the girl but the facts are that he's not seeing this girl long enough to even call her his girlfriend.

Firetrap

Now that's ridiculous. I don't think any of us are prudes here but while I'm sure quite a few of us have heard other people going at it, it's a different matter entirely when it's your parents or siblings :eek: I can see this thread being derailed into an argument about whether it's ok to have sex under the roof of your parent's house and that's not going to get the OP anywhere. He has said that it's a non-runner and that's fair enough. He's not in his own place for the moment and he has to respect the house rules.

I think the sofa idea is the best you can work with to be honest. It's neutral territory. It'd be nice too to go halves and stay over in a hotel/b&b. Seeing as your girlfriend is in a similar boat, she'll understand.

up for anything

livinathome wrote: »

Moving to a new place in May

It's May already... can you not hang on for the couple of weeks or whatever it is.

Kevin Duffy

OP, do you have friends or siblings who have their own place, maybe even a spare room or are not there every night and might be sympathetic to your plight?

boarddotie

Instead of going off getting some 'cheap hotel rooms' and cheap wine and having weekends away (which never end up cheap might I add) like was suggested maybe that dosh could go towards weekly rent somewhere?

OP you seem to have a lot going on with your life. Masters study, thesis, looking for jobs, worrying about bedding arrangements. Would it be better to leave this relationship for the time being and focus on getting back on your feet financially and career-wise?

gossipgal08

Op is the no sleeping with girls rule from your teen years or has your mother stated this since you moved back in?

Could you arrange for your girlfriend to come over and give your parents a bit of cash for a night out so they would not be walking in?

LegacyUser

livinathome wrote: »

Not meaning to sound like a bitch, eh? You don't speak for all of womankind. It's not a turnoff for the girl I'm seeing, seen as how I told her on date #1 and she wanted date #2 to happen, which it did, and very well it went to, as has all the subsequent texting and calls. No one asked you what turns you on or off.

I live at home temporarily because of economic circumstances and she knows that. As soon as I can move out, I won't be seen for dust. There are many in my situation.

Why not get my own place?

1) unemployed
2) just completing an MA to improve my employment prospects
3) borrowed €11.5k from the bank to fund MA and repayments commence in September

I am applying for jobs daily and hope to have found something by early autumn.

Sorry OP, I definitely came across a little unsympathetic there. Don't think I can give any constructive advice regarding the sleeping situation but if it makes you feel any better I was in that much debt when I finished a masters and you'll find when you do get a job, which you will, you'll manage to clear it quickly enough with a bit of discipline, rent or no rent.

You would probably be entitled to more social welfare if you weren't livin at home though, aswell as rent allowance, have you looked into that option? It mightnt leave you in any worse a financial situation, particularly if you were to house share.

Boskowski

Seriously OP. I mean fair play for respecting your parents 'wishes' but you're not bloody 16. When they agreed to have you back for whatever reason was the consensus that you have to put your life on hold?
Everybody's circumstances and relationship with parents are different and I don't mean to ridicule but are you allowed to have a **** or put your finger up your nose?