Funniest gettin your end story youve ever heard

cesc77

Reet,this was the funniest story Ive ever heard of someone getting action.I was bartending in the States at the time and had become good friends with a lad who was a regular in the bar.Lets call him John as that was his name.Now John is a horny wee git...like no other.

I was working a Sunday evening shift when he mooches through the door with his head bowed,avoiding eye contact.I set him up his usual Coors light(oh,the irony later on) and a shot of Jager.He eventually looks at me and says.."Ive been a bad man"Intrigued,I listen to my pals tale of the previous night.

He had arrived in my bar(I was off)and after a beer he was feeling said horniness when a lady came in.Now this lady was also a regular.She was about 6ft3 and about 25st of Goth/dominatrix with hair pulled tight back in a bun who wore the most pungent perfume Ive ever smelt and copious amounts of it too(He is 5ft 5 and hung like a nubbin,his words).So,the two of them chat and decide to head back to his within minutes of meeting.

They both take their respective cars and pull up to his place.He goes into his bathroom for a wazz and a look in the mirror to contemplate his future actions.Whilst he is there,she shuffles through to his bedroom ...err...to prepare.He exits the bathroom and enters the bedroom to be greeted by the lady spread on the bed in her undercrackers with candles around the room lit.

Hesitantly he disrobes and gets tore in..now little john isnt too impressed by the sight before him.He is trying to escape inside big Johns pelvis,so big John makes the call to furiously blow out the "romantic"candles.

So,after she lifts up her belly to aid him(heave)he attempts entry only with the darkness and the amount of flesh and little Johns reluctance he as may as well have been humping her armpit.Different approach required so doggy is next.Now due to size of his wee legs he actually had to climb onto her and his knees were not in contact with the bed...he was hovering with arms clasped around her middle(not touching)Frantic body movements backward and forwards were not successful so they decided to try a smaller oriface.

He hawked a loogy(boke) and gobbed on her starfish.Success!....Mission accomplished.So she leaves......The smell of her perfume has permeated his bedsheets and pillows so he spends the night on the couch not retching.(The smell lasted for weeks in his bedroom and he spent the next month on the couch as it had infiltrated everything in his room.He had to had the clothes in his wardrobe cleaned due to it)

I cannot do this story justice.He is one of the funniest feckers I have ever met and the story of that night left me in tears of laughter for over an hour with his physical reinactions.

Dirty boy,Dirty girl.Im sure he learned his lesson that night.

Has he fook! :V

stupidusername

Wtf are you on about?

fedor.2.

How long did it take you to make that up??? you wasted your time

Lavattack

fedor.2. wrote: »

How long did it take you to make that up??? you wasted your time

And ours

Praetorian Saighdiuir

tl:dr?


small cocked lad beds fat bird......."funniest gettin your end story youve ever heard"



I know a guy who has had sex with many a midget.

RachaelVO

Funniest ever getting your end story...

Well you OP getting your end for a start... but I'd say that's more fiction than anything else

mikemac

cesc77 wrote: »

He hawked a loogy(boke) and gobbed on her starfish.

It's like a whole new language

I must be getting old

RachaelVO

feelingstressed wrote: »

It's like a whole new language

I must be getting old

I know the feeling...

But if you're gonna bull**** a story, you may as well try to start a hole new language!

cesc77

How the hell could you make that up?Look at the level of detail you unappreciators.Im offending a lot of fatty feckers,it seems.Ask me for further details or nitpick if you will.Thought this wee gem would bring a smile but you guys are hard work to raise a chuckle

Oranage2

cesc77 wrote: »

How the hell could you make that up?Look at the level of detail you unappreciators.Im offending a lot of fatty feckers,it seems.Ask me for further details or nitpick if you will.Thought this wee gem would bring a smile but you guys are hard work to raise a chuckle

How did you know the level of detail if you didnt see it? - i'd say you seen this in a movie!

Praetorian Saighdiuir

cesc77 wrote: »

How the hell could you make that up?Look at the level of detail you unappreciators.Im offending a lot of fatty feckers,it seems.Ask me for further details or nitpick if you will.Thought this wee gem would bring a smile but you guys are hard work to raise a chuckle

You are competing for lulz in After Hours...


...this is where normal folk like me, like to be entertained by funny funny imaginary internets people for free.

Now you can either up your game or take it to Bebo.

120_Minutes

a swedish bird from that my mates nicknamed "drago" scraped up my back something fierce when i scored her at a death metal festival in slovenia years ago.

they took pictures of my back the next morning to show me.


it was worth it.

stupidusername

I might have found it funny if I could understand what it said. And i'm not fat

Screaminmidget

benwavner wrote: »

I know a guy who has had sex with many a midget.

Can i get his name?? theres a lot of stuff i dont remember, and some things he should know...

cesc77

Oranage2 wrote: »

How did you know the level of detail if you didnt see it? - i'd say you seen this in a movie!

Youd say?Fair enough.What movie?

He isnt a midget by the way 5ft5 ...poor lad.

Thew fact that you guys dont believe it is real just makes it all the funnier as I know the truth and make frequent jokes to him that he was like a wee monkey on rhino

celj

A friend of my cousins girlfriends stepsister was telling me he went to bed with his girlfriend and was getting ready to tickle the centipedes ozone layer with his tongue when......






he fell out of the bed and hit his knee off the locker!!!!!!!!!


The tears were literally rolling down my face as he was telling me about this funny,funny situation he managed to embroil himself in!!

Ahhhhhhhh...................

Oranage2

cesc77 wrote: »

Youd say?Fair enough.What movie?

He isnt a midget by the way 5ft5 ...poor lad.

Thew fact that you guys dont believe it is real just makes it all the funnier as I know the truth and make frequent jokes to him that he was like a wee monkey on rhino

So the guy was a regular in a bar in the states but you see him frequently now and make fun of him?

Do you do this by skype or what? are you sure you werent the Domantrix girl?

wandatowell

Whats a nubbin??

cesc77

Oranage2 wrote: »

So the guy was a regular in a bar in the states but you see him frequently now and make fun of him?

Do you do this by skype or what? are you sure you werent the Domantrix girl?

Lad,Im not sure why you have such an issue with everything I say.I could be almost flattered but you are like a simple kid who needs everything broken down for them.

I live in Ireland .He lives in the States(for all you know he may be here)

We converse over the phone.Not skype but Im guessing you realised the flaw in your feeble argument and added that on as an afterthought.

Im not the bigbird:)Cant emphasise that enough

cesc77

wandatowell wrote: »

Whats a nubbin??

less than a forefinger first knuckle...apparantly:eek:

Poor git.He isnt even Irish

Oranage2

cesc77 wrote: »

Lad,Im not sure why you have such an issue with everything I say.I could be almost flattered but you are like a simple kid who needs everything broken down for them.

I live in Ireland .He lives in the States(for all you know he may be here)

We converse over the phone.Not skype but Im guessing you realised the flaw in your feeble argument and added that on as an afterthought.

Im not the bigbird:)Cant emphasise that enough

So let me get this straight - you ring a guy in the States regularly that was just a regular in a bar you use to work in, by phone?

Interesting!

celj

cesc77 wrote: »

less than a forefinger first knuckle...apparantly:eek:

Poor git.He isnt even Irish

Not Irish eh?
Now where could he be from?Occipital cortex maybe???

stupidusername

This thread hurts my brain.

Teyla Emmagan

cesc77 wrote: »

How the hell could you make that up?Look at the level of detail you unappreciators.

Don't like the story much OP, but I enjoyed your delivery

loalae

I'm lost. Hoke, nubbin, ozone, centipede.....what?

Corkblowin

Unfunny boring story was.......well......unfunny & boring. Next!

cesc77

Oranage2 wrote: »

So let me get this straight - you ring a guy in the States regularly that was just a regular in a bar you use to work in, by phone?

Interesting!

Not just a regular.I mentioned that he was a good friend in my initial post.Im bored with you.You are quite a sad individual if you cannot recognise humour when it is honest.You are crap at breaking down and analysing info given and your questions are weak.I am guessing you enjoy being miserable...

Take a wee look at yourself lad

I wont be responding to you any more and if you feel that it is necessary to have a go everytime I post,perhaps you should look at where youre at in life.Or you could start a thread where I try and be pedantic.Or not.As we are different.

Have a good one

Kevin Duffy

When is the funny bit happening?

parker kent

Can you recognise dishonest humour? WTF does recognising honest humour even mean anyway?!

This is like reading the first draft of The Sound and the Fury by Faulkner.

Just with all the wit and talent removed.

Oranage2

cesc77 wrote: »

Not just a regular.I mentioned that he was a good friend in my initial post.Im bored with you.You are quite a sad individual if you cannot recognise humour when it is honest.You are crap at breaking down and analysing info given and your questions are weak.I am guessing you enjoy being miserable...

Take a wee look at yourself lad

I wont be responding to you any more and if you feel that it is necessary to have a go everytime I post,perhaps you should look at where youre at in life.Or you could start a thread where I try and be pedantic.Or not.As we are different.

Have a good one

Sorry i dont mean to be pedantic i'm just trying to find the humour in this obviously made up story.

Naos

F*ck sake lads.

Cesc77 came on to start what could be a funny thread. He submitted a detailed opening post & anecdote and people are rubbishing him for it?

As with any story, truths are exageratted slightly and this is probably happening here but still what's with the hate?

Cesc77, I believe your story and your "mate" John

cesc77

Had to have been there,I guess.

Jaysus,I thought I was sad sitting in over the weekend til I had tonights feedback.

So many cynics(I thought I was??!!)

It saddens me when people are sad.Contagious if you will.I tried to tell a funny story for the first time on the internet.

Would I use strange terms if it was made up?

Im new to this.Maybe Im in the wrong interweb:) area but this sure as hell feels like Lord of the Flies.Not as bad as last night though!

I may persist for a while but fear that this domain is a bully behind a keyboards wet dream.

celj

cesc77 wrote: »

Had to have been there,I guess.

Jaysus,I thought I was sad sitting in over the weekend til I had tonights feedback.

So many cynics(I thought I was??!!)

It saddens me when people are sad.Contagious if you will.I tried to tell a funny story for the first time on the internet.

Would I use strange terms if it was made up?

Im new to this.Maybe Im in the wrong interweb:) area but this sure as hell feels like Lord of the Flies.Not as bad as last night though!

I may persist for a while but fear that this domain is a bully behind a keyboards wet dream.

Ah you poor oul yolk!
This is "After Hours".
Don't post such things if you are feeling a bit sensitive.Feelings can get hurt around here.

Maybe give "John" a buzz and talk it over.
You might feel a bit better after it.

HeadPig

"Gettin' your end"

Disgusting, vulgar expression.

cesc77

celj wrote: »

Ah you poor oul yolk!
This is "After Hours".
Don't post such things if you are feeling a bit sensitive.Feelings can get hurt around here.

Maybe give "John" a buzz and talk it over.
You might feel a bit better after it.

I did and Im brand new now.

Thanks celj. (15 poster...I appreciate a seasoned(15 posts)campaigner sticking the head above the parapet for me...I look forward to your first thread)did I mention ...yeah,think I did ..

oh and a serious note..I may not be arsed going through writing something like that again.So,the clowns that were negative are only making their noses shorter...err..thats what they say isnt it?

Oranage2

cesc77 wrote: »

I did and Im brand new now.

Thanks celj. (15 poster...I appreciate a seasoned(15 posts)campaigner sticking the head above the parapet for me...I look forward to your first thread)did I mention ...yeah,think I did ..

oh and a serious note..I may not be arsed going through writing something like that again.So,the clowns that were negative are only making their noses shorter...err..thats what they say isnt it?

Thank you.

stupidusername

Still have no idea what the story was.thats my problem with it.

celj

cesc77 wrote: »

I did and Im brand new now.

Thanks celj. (15 poster...I appreciate a seasoned(15 posts)campaigner sticking the head above the parapet for me...I look forward to your first thread)did I mention ...yeah,think I did ..

oh and a serious note..I may not be arsed going through writing something like that again.So,the clowns that were negative are only making their noses shorter...err..thats what they say isnt it?

That's not a problem my friend.
I joined 8 years ago and don't waste posts,only really dispense my words of wisdom to those who obviously need it,which from reading your original post you were a prime candidate.

I'm glad to advice has helped you come to the decision not to write something like that again.

Any other advice you need my self and other forum members are always willing to help.

sherdydan

cool story bro

cesc77

7

celj wrote: »

That's not a problem my friend.
I joined 8 years ago and don't waste posts,only really dispense my words of wisdom to those who obviously need it,which from reading your original post you were a prime candidate.

I'm glad to advice has helped you come to the decision not to write something like that again.

Any other advice you need my self and other forum members are always willing to help.

JOINED 8 YEARS AGO?yet you have wasted 2 posts on little me?My self esteem is through the roof.

words of wisdom indeed to a sexual joke thread.At least you are not wasting them on crazy shizzles like why are we here and why is the moon so big yet sooooo small.

Goodnight Johnboy.

He wont waste his 17th post on me ,will he?im guessing yup

celj

cesc77 wrote: »

7


JOINED 8 YEARS AGO?yet you have wasted 2 posts on little me?My self esteem is through the roof.

words of wisdom indeed to a sexual joke thread.At least you are not wasting them on crazy shizzles like why are we here and why is the moon so big yet sooooo small.

Goodnight Johnboy.

He wont waste his 17th post on me ,will he?im guessing yup

I try and help where I can,I'll give you 1 more post,help the old esteem a little bit more.
Oh and try using capitals and stuff when you type.
So much more pleasing to the eye.

You wrote "Goodnight Johnboy" in the wrong place,he's in "America",remember???

Night!!!

Fart

I thought it was an intresting story. Worth the fap too!

mikemac

You're trying too hard OP

And nobody talks like this

hawked a loogy(boke) and gobbed on her starfish

The funniest and wittiest posts happen when you don't even try

Dudess

When two clowns shag.

cesc77

celj wrote: »

I try and help where I can,I'll give you 1 more post,help the old esteem a little bit more.
Oh and try using capitals and stuff when you type.
So much more pleasing to the eye.

You wrote "Goodnight Johnboy" in the wrong place,he's in "America",remember???

Night!!!

Too young for the Waltons?Who would have guessed.

err,thank you for whats pleasing to your eye.18th post in 8 years.Jeebus your average in the last 24hrs is positively 89 degrees.....

Im good for business:pac:

Irish Guitarist

The poor starfish. I hope he didn't feel any pain when the hawk ate him.

cesc77

feelingstressed wrote: »

You're trying too hard OP

And nobody talks like this


The funniest and wittiest posts happen when you don't even try

Americans do.Have you met one?They are quite elusive

cesc77

Irish Guitarist wrote: »

The poor starfish. I hope he didn't feel any pain when the hawk ate him.

He?

Probably didnt feel a thing

Irish Guitarist

cesc77 wrote: »

He?

Probably didnt feel a thing

Good. I was worried when I read that the hawk broke the starfish.

celj

cesc77 wrote: »

Too young for the Waltons?Who would have guessed.

err,thank you for whats pleasing to your eye.18th post in 8 years.Jeebus your average in the last 24hrs is positively 89 degrees.....

Im good for business:pac:

The Waltons?
That was a made up story based in America as well wasn't it????:rolleyes:

Bobjims

sherdydan wrote: »

cool story bro

The funniest part of this thread is that the OP has thanked this post.