Obsessed parents

I am a friend

Am just curious... I am expecting my first and while I am so excited and am looking forward to all parenthood brings, I am worried that I will become obsessed in an unhealthy way with the child, like some of my friends.

Within my peer group, some of the mothers seem to be willing to talk about nothing else and while I understand how important it is to care for your child, do they have to be your sole interest?

My bro and I were always central to my parents lives and we knew we were loved but they had their nights out and maintained their relationship up to the point that, before Xmas, at almost 40 years married my Mam told me she is still 'mad about' my Dad. I firmly believe that while they cared for us they had perspective and put their relationship first (not all of the time of course) and kept it alive and kicking so they now have a fab relationship to look forward to as they age..

I have had debates on other threads where I disagreed with people putting their kids before their own lives (on a long term basis and not just for example if a kid is sick etc) and got the response basically saying I didnt know what i was talking about as I was not a parent.... I dont agree with the line of thinking that your child (once healthy, stable etc) comes before evrything else including your relationship with your OH...

I am not interested in continuously talking about being pg and hope I will not turn into a baby bore after he/ she arrives. On top of that I think my relationship with my OH is super important and also important to the baby's happiness that it needs to be nourished and in particular when life changes upon the arrival of the baby, and while long-winded my question is

'are you a better parent if you put your child ahead of everything else, 100% of the time?'

Downlinz

As an outsider view its never healthy for anyone to shape their existence around anyone else. Its important to maintain your existing relationships with other people as well as your own personal interests.

Ayla

Kids become your priority, and a major conversation point b/c you're constantly thinking about them. That doesn't necessarily mean your adult relationships suffer, just that there is suddenly a little person who is 100% dependent on you. You may not be 100% dependent on them, but they are on you, and that carries with it a lot of unexpected weight.

It is true that some marriages/partnerships falter after children come along, but many don't. It's all down to the individuals involved & their committment to the relationship.

Whether or not you're expecting it now, you will care about you child more than you can possibly imagine. S/he will become your life, and you will find a way to fit them into your existing relationships.

deisemum

Unfortunately there are some parents that turn into baby bores and just drone on about their child/ren the whole time and turn every conversation back to their child/ren.

Most parents will talk about their children but most will eventually move on from the constant babychild discussions. Then again it's not just parents that go on about something ie their children, it can equally be boring to hear someone constantly going on about their social life the whole time or whatever thing they're into.

sillysocks

I think it depends a lot on your own attitude to it and what you "let" happen.
Another thing that probably helps is how much support you have around you for babysitting etc.

We have a four month old baby, my husbands family live nearby so we're lucky that way (don't think I'd leave her with a young babysitter at this age). We've been out one night of almost every weekend since she's been born. Now a night out might be an hour or two grabbing a pizza but it's lovely to get out and have a bit of the old normality. We love catching up with friends too and making the effort to meet them - I think s lot of our friends assumed they wouldn't see us for months so stopped inviting us out but that's changed now. We've also had two breaks of 2/3 nights away where my parents have minded the baby, again great for morale!

I think the earlier you get used to leaving the baby for a few hours, or even a night the better because it doesn't become an ordeal then.

The only other thing that might affect all of that though is how settled the baby is. Our little one has always been very calm so it's easy for people to mind her, and she's slept 12 hours a night since she was 10 weeks old so that means we have the energy for going out!

Good luck with your new arrival

Fittle

I hate to tell you this OP, but once you have that child, he/she consume your time, your thoughts, your energy and your love. You literally (particularly in those first few months) are the person who is keeping them alive, they are on your mind almost every waking moment. So don't be so quick to criticise friends who seem to talk about their children alot - wait to see what happens when your child is born. It is extremely difficult to have any interests outside of your child in that first year - with the best will in the world, sleep deprivation, nappy rash and teething will become your world. But you will embrace it and your child will become your world.

I hate when I hear or read about people talking about 'baby-bores'. There is absolutely nothing wrong with talking about our children, and yet, we get condemned for it. You may struggle with the fact that you have little else to talk about when your child is a baby - but don't condemn yourself - your child will be your life, enjoy it!

CathyMoran

Being a parent is a life changing experience and I agree that for the first year at least they do totally take over your life - there will still be time for your partner and friends but that will have to be balanced with that of your child. My husband and I went though a lot to have our son and we are hoping to have a little sister for him soon - we have done the holidays and have spent a long time together before he came into our lives though it is a huge change, you have to grab moments. The biggest thing is lack of sleep. We do not have any family support so it does make things a lot harder, ideally we would have arranged for some time without our son but that could not happen.

I am a friend

Fittle wrote: »

I hate when I hear or read about people talking about 'baby-bores'. There is absolutely nothing wrong with talking about our children, and yet, we get condemned for it. You may struggle with the fact that you have little else to talk about when your child is a baby - but don't condemn yourself - your child will be your life, enjoy it!

I hate when I go out with friends for a nights - couples, singles, parents and non-parents and the parents and, to be honest, always the mothers just go on and on ad nauseum about the kids, whatever age. There is no excuse for that and it is boring, no matter how much you adore their kids.

Sillysocks- thanks as you have given me hope

Cathy, I hope all goes well for you. I will have lots of support so am lucky in that regard.

Diesemum- I agree with you but I find you can't politely move people on from the kids chat and you are the wOrst in the wOrld (and as you can see here deemed to be inconsiderate and not able to understand if you are not a parent) if you dare suggest in a Frank manner that it's time to change the subject...

Das Kitty

I feel the same way as you OP.

I had my first child just over a year ago. All I will say is that you will talk about your child a lot for the first while. It is a very overwhelming change and you will feel the need to talk about it. Don't worry though, it will change. I'm just back from a weekend away with my husband and our friends and we barely talked about the little guy at all with them, it was great really.

I think a child's needs should come above their parents', but the wants should be on equal footing. I'd prefer my child to grow up with a stable parental relationship than to be always put first, so that means we put our relationship first.

I am a friend

Das Kitty wrote: »

I feel the same way as you OP.

I had my first child just over a year ago. All I will say is that you will talk about your child a lot for the first while. It is a very overwhelming change and you will feel the need to talk about it. Don't worry though, it will change. I'm just back from a weekend away with my husband and our friends and we barely talked about the little guy at all with them, it was great really.

I think a child's needs should come above their parents', but the wants should be on equal footing. I'd prefer my child to grow up with a stable parental relationship than to be always put first, so that means we put our relationship first.

Thanks - this makes total sense to me and this is the way I would like to be.

Ayla

'are you a better parent if you put your child ahead of everything else, 100% of the time?

This is your question, and I would imagine that most people would answer it simply with "no." Obviously, as in everything in life, a balance is necessary.

But I find it unfair that you're insinuating that parents who "can't talk about anything else" are obsessed with their kids. As other posters (and I) have said, kids are the priority and everyone deals with the pressure of raising them differently. Some people like to talk about what they're going through as a way of reassuring them that they're doing a good job, and other people like to have time away from the kids as a way to unwind. Neither way is wrong, per se, but I can understand why a non-parent wouldn't want to socialize with someone who's concerned about nappy rashes, tantrums & teething. But to say someone's obsessed...that's just not fair.

If you're concerned that your relationship with your partner will suffer from the impending birth of your child, then make sure you make an effort to keep it alive. It is very possible to have a strong adult relationship while raising a child - in fact, having a child can strengthen a bond. But you have to make an effort, it's not easy.

BostonB

I am a friend wrote: »

I hate when I go out with friends for a nights - couples, singles, parents and non-parents and the parents and, to be honest, always the mothers just go on and on ad nauseum about the kids, whatever age. There is no excuse for that and it is boring, no matter how much you adore their kids....

I think you'll find it because sometimes,, their kids consume 90% of their time, and thus their lives revolve around that, especially when kids are small or are babies. As the kids get older parents have time for other things.

I find shift workers, will always talk about what days they are working, and what shift they are on. I've never worked shift so it seems odd to me, but I've noticed they all do it, even if they work in widely different industries.

BostonB

If you go out to something that creates talk in itself, like tackling some event together, a run, cycle, a show a movie thats a way around it.

Fittle

I am a friend wrote: »

I hate when I go out with friends for a nights - couples, singles, parents and non-parents and the parents and, to be honest, always the mothers just go on and on ad nauseum about the kids, whatever age. There is no excuse for that and it is boring, no matter how much you adore their kids.

...

Go out with your friends just after you have had your child and come back here and tell us you didn't talk about your child!!! It's a life changing experience, you'll want to talk about the birth, how the baby is feeding/sleeping etc. You will be totally consumed by it. But as someone said, it's a balance - as the child gets a bit older, you'll strike a balance. You will also find that in certain groups of friends, you will actively talk about your child...the school gates for example. The main thing you will have in common with the parents you meet at the creche/school etc, will be your child and you will want to swop stories about your children.

I fail to see why you'd go out with your friends above anyway, if they bore you so much!

I am a friend

Fittle wrote: »

Go out with your friends just after you have had your child and come back here and tell us you didn't talk about your child!!! It's a life changing experience, you'll want to talk about the birth, how the baby is feeding/sleeping etc. You will be totally consumed by it. But as someone said, it's a balance - as the child gets a bit older, you'll strike a balance. You will also find that in certain groups of friends, you will actively talk about your child...the school gates for example. The main thing you will have in common with the parents you meet at the creche/school etc, will be your child and you will want to swop stories about your children.

I fail to see why you'd go out with your friends above anyway, if they bore you so much!

With some friends they talk about the kids and I ask about the kids but with some others - no matter what ages they are, talk about them 90% of the time and continuously bring the topic bavk to kids... Even the friends who talk about their own kids but move in from that topic have admitted they hate going out for a night with certain other mothers for the same reason. It's funny that fathers don't seem to do it.

You seem to think that I am in the wrong to think this is inappropriate when in mixed company. I assure you when baby arrives I will be talking about him or her but I will work darn hard to ensure it's not the only thing I talk about.

CK2010

i have one child, shes three. my friends who dont have kids dont understand how much of my life has revolved around her. not things like money, my relationship etc. or not going on nights out or anything like that, i mean my actual life. my every day activities and thoughts are purely based around her, regardless of whether i want them to or not.

getting up in the morning: when baby wants to, not you. even going asleep at night is based on how many hours til next feed.

having a shower: you'll have to make sure someone can watch baba or else bring her into bathroom with you.

drying hair: will the dryer wake her up. if it does, you wont have time to do make up or anything after.

getting dressed: what doesnt have baby sick down the front.



theres a million things i do during the day that have no relevance whatsoever to my child and yet she somehow infiltrates them.

something as simple as straightening my own hair; i cant set the ghd down even for a second on the table in case she goes near it.


is it any wonder that they talk about their kids. their life is based around them. its not obsession, its parenthood. its not like i wake up thinking 'i cant wait to make every decision today based on the hapiness, well being and safety of my child'. with so much of your life being dedicated to an amazing, energy draining little thing you cant help but have lots to say about them. i work, and i only recently graduated college but my most interesting, amazing and enjoyable experiences have been from being a mother.

when my friends are discussing make up which i never get a second to apply, or gigs that i can never afford to attend, or drinking sessions which i could never join in on because i had a baby to look after the next day
i get bored but i still listen. my life is different to theirs and it does include a baby so thats what i discuss with them.

i get that its a bore but alot of the 'normal' stuff i used to do i cant do now because i have a child. and for people without kids they dont realise how much of a hassle simple things can end up being when you have a child to look after. for some mothers its easy to still have 'a life' but for others their baby is their life- and by that i mean that they are literally always around their child with no 'me' time- and then its really hard to relate to those who get 'me' time all day every day.

sorry that ended up being a right ol' rant but you'll never know how unbelievably dependant they are on you to 'obsess' over them until they're there impacting on every move you make or dont make. influencing every decision you make.
they consume every aspect of your life but they also enhance it tenfold. and thats why we want to brag abut them!!

Downlinz

Fittle wrote: »

Go out with your friends just after you have had your child and come back here and tell us you didn't talk about your child!!! It's a life changing experience, you'll want to talk about the birth, how the baby is feeding/sleeping etc. You will be totally consumed by it. But as someone said, it's a balance - as the child gets a bit older, you'll strike a balance. You will also find that in certain groups of friends, you will actively talk about your child...the school gates for example. The main thing you will have in common with the parents you meet at the creche/school etc, will be your child and you will want to swop stories about your children.

I fail to see why you'd go out with your friends above anyway, if they bore you so much!

I've been in college or been on work projects that consume 90% of my time for a period and the last thing I'd do is want to constantly chat about them with friends, even if I enjoyed the particular projects.
The difference with the baby-bore parent and the regular parent is the baby-bore parent doesn't seem to understand that not everyone are as interested in their kids as they are. It's a sign of a selfish person if they assume you are.

LegacyUser

CK2010 wrote: »

i have one child, shes three. my friends who dont have kids dont understand how much of my life has revolved around her. not things like money, my relationship etc. or not going on nights out or anything like that, i mean my actual life. my every day activities and thoughts are purely based around her, regardless of whether i want them to or not.

getting up in the morning: when baby wants to, not you. even going asleep at night is based on how many hours til next feed.

having a shower: you'll have to make sure someone can watch baba or else bring her into bathroom with you.

drying hair: will the dryer wake her up. if it does, you wont have time to do make up or anything after.

getting dressed: what doesnt have baby sick down the front.



theres a million things i do during the day that have no relevance whatsoever to my child and yet she somehow infiltrates them.

something as simple as straightening my own hair; i cant set the ghd down even for a second on the table in case she goes near it.


is it any wonder that they talk about their kids. their life is based around them. its not obsession, its parenthood. its not like i wake up thinking 'i cant wait to make every decision today based on the hapiness, well being and safety of my child'. with so much of your life being dedicated to an amazing, energy draining little thing you cant help but have lots to say about them. i work, and i only recently graduated college but my most interesting, amazing and enjoyable experiences have been from being a mother.

when my friends are discussing make up which i never get a second to apply, or gigs that i can never afford to attend, or drinking sessions which i could never join in on because i had a baby to look after the next day
i get bored but i still listen. my life is different to theirs and it does include a baby so thats what i discuss with them.

i get that its a bore but alot of the 'normal' stuff i used to do i cant do now because i have a child. and for people without kids they dont realise how much of a hassle simple things can end up being when you have a child to look after. for some mothers its easy to still have 'a life' but for others their baby is their life- and by that i mean that they are literally always around their child with no 'me' time- and then its really hard to relate to those who get 'me' time all day every day.

sorry that ended up being a right ol' rant but you'll never know how unbelievably dependant they are on you to 'obsess' over them until they're there impacting on every move you make or dont make. influencing every decision you make.
they consume every aspect of your life but they also enhance it tenfold. and thats why we want to brag abut them!!

You make parenthood sound like a living nightmare

deisemum

Downlinz wrote: »

I've been in college or been on work projects that consume 90% of my time for a period and the last thing I'd do is want to constantly chat about them with friends, even if I enjoyed the particular projects.
The difference with the baby-bore parent and the regular parent is the baby-bore parent doesn't seem to understand that not everyone are as interested in their kids as they are. It's a sign of a selfish person if they assume you are.

I agree 100% with this.

When I meet up with my friends who also have children we will chat a bit about our children but we will also talk about a lot of other non-child related things. It's the baby bores that cannot or will not talk about anything else that melt my head and the ones I and others tend to avoid when we can.

I know one couple and their children are in school but all they can talk about are their children, they're not even interested in anyone elses children but most people try to avoid them.

BostonB

Downlinz wrote: »

I've been in college or been on work projects that consume 90% of my time for a period and the last thing I'd do is want to constantly chat about them with friends, even if I enjoyed the particular projects.

That because being a parent, is nothing like college, or project. That you think you can compare them, means you don't get it at all. I'm not being condecending, I expect thats the reality for most people. Its just not the same thing at all. Which is why so many get obssessed.

Downlinz wrote: »

The difference with the baby-bore parent and the regular parent is the baby-bore parent doesn't seem to understand that not everyone are as interested in their kids as they are. It's a sign of a selfish person if they assume you are.

There are bores/selfish people in all walks of life, college, work, sport, parents are no different. The same people probably bored people to death in college about their projects.

A mate in work asked me once why I don't talk that much as others about my kids. I said because most of the time, unless you had a similar experience, people either are not interested, or understand the significance of what you are talking about. Also after a while you realise, you are surrounded by people who may not be able to have kids, or who have lost a child or a baby. So its not very empathtic. Indeed that might be why people might be intense about the kids they do have.

Who knows. Its best to accept that some people with kids, go a little nuts. Its wise to take that into a account.

Ayla

ricenpsince wrote: »

You make parenthood sound like a living nightmare

Nope, it's called reality, and CK2010 described it very accurately.

CathyMoran

Ayla wrote: »

Nope, it's called reality, and CK2010 described it very accurately.

It is wonderful too, otherwise why would we willingly do it, they do little things...

We are baby centre at the moment, we have wanted this all our lives so are enjoying it.

CK2010

ricenpsince wrote: »

You make parenthood sound like a living nightmare

i could have written about how my daughter tells me she loves me every day, no matter how much i nag her or give out

how proud she makes me when she says thank you without being told to

how she can sing every verse of katy perrys firework

how every time i see her smile it makes me smile no matter how down im feeling

plus a million more things she does every day that makes being a mother the most amazing thing on earth but it sure as hell doesnt take away from the fact that its bloody hard at times! i love her but thats not to say i dont find it hard that my every single thought revolves around her, but its that way because i love her.

i may have made it sound like a living nightmare but at least im confident enough to not lie and say its a walk in the park and she'll still live her life the way she did before she had kids. cause she cant and she wont. thats not to say its not worth every minute.

Fittle

BostonB wrote: »

That because being a parent, is nothing like college, or project. That you think you can compare them, means you don't get it at all. I'm not being condecending, I expect thats the reality for most people. Its just not the same thing at all. Which is why so many get obssessed.

+1

There are bores in all walks of life - those who talk incessantly about their children, showing little interest in what others around them have to say, probably talked incessantly about their previous hobbies/interests, with little interest in what others around them had to say also.

I am conscious that I talk alot about my son. I'm a single mum, I work f/t in a a job that bores the hell out of me. There is little to talk about in my job, therefore - if I even tried to tell you about my job, you would all be asleep before I finished the first sentence:p So my life, for the moment, consists of me and my son - my friends (when I can find the time to see them) and my pretty dysfunctional family who I see little of. With the best will in the world, I have few if any other hobbies or interests - my interests at the moment are u8s soccer matches, cub scouts and Man Utd!! Yes, I know I need to get my own interests at some point, and I'm confident that will happen as he gets older and becomes more independent of me (can't wait for those days!), but until then, with me as his sole carer, I have little choice but to centre my life around him - and I wouldn't have it any other way:D

LegacyUser

I have five children.

I love them to pieces, but I don't really feel the urge to talk about them all the time. I also have a great career, a lovely husband and some wonderful hobbies.

After my third was born, I realised that I simply didn't have enough hands to do everything every one of them wanted at once. I also realised that this was okay, and that allowed me to claim my life back, in a way. For example, if they woke up wanting breakfast while I put got dressed and put my make up on, it was okay to finish what I was doing before fetching breakfast.

I think this was the point at which I ceased to be a baby bore!

I agree with the college analogy. Perhaps it is more relevant to what I do than most, but the early years of my career in particular were just as intense and far more stressful than parenting.

Some mention putting things out of reach and having to consider the children, but if you're the type to put things away anyway, it shouldn't be a problem. Babyproofing early makes maintenance easy.

I disagree with those who say every thought centres around your children. I have other people I need to consider too, and many other things to think about!

I am a friend

Downlinz wrote: »

The difference with the baby-bore parent and the regular parent is the baby-bore parent doesn't seem to understand that not everyone are as interested in their kids as they are. It's a sign of a selfish person if they assume you are.

I think this is the kernel... I know that I find all the details of other peoples kid interesting for only so long so I assume that other (outside of my OH, grandparents etc) will feel the same when mine comes along.

i also now think its a conscious decision as there are busy mothers here who dont want to talk about their kids all the time and have developed busy lives outside of the role of motherhood. This is the way I would like to be.

There is no right and no wrong, pro's and cons for both 'sides' but I know I would rather not be a baby-bore no matter how fab the child will be

CK2010

notlikethatforme wrote: »

I have five children.

I love them to pieces, but I don't really feel the urge to talk about them all the time. I also have a great career, a lovely husband and some wonderful hobbies.

After my third was born, I realised that I simply didn't have enough hands to do everything every one of them wanted at once. I also realised that this was okay, and that allowed me to claim my life back, in a way. For example, if they woke up wanting breakfast while I put got dressed and put my make up on, it was okay to finish what I was doing before fetching breakfast.

I think this was the point at which I ceased to be a baby bore!

I agree with the college analogy. Perhaps it is more relevant to what I do than most, but the early years of my career in particular were just as intense and far more stressful than parenting.

Some mention putting things out of reach and having to consider the children, but if you're the type to put things away anyway, it shouldn't be a problem. Babyproofing early makes maintenance easy.

I disagree with those who say every thought centres around your children. I have other people I need to consider too, and many other things to think about!

you see i have hobbies too but i dont think any of my friends would care about my woodturning or gym sessions either!

as for the putting things away, i wasnt referring to baby proofing, i meant if im straightening my hair and i need to brush it half way through, i have to be aware that i cant just lay the ghd on the table and brush, i have to put it out of reach, even if it is just for a second.

it was just an example of one of those things that you'd never even give a second thought to unless you have a child. something that has nothing to do with your child and yet you're still thinking of the child while you do it because thats what a mum does. how, even small every day meaningless things can become about your child. how your child does become something that you're always thinking of.

these things get easier as the child gets older and you can loosen the strings a little, and even more so if you've older kids to help out. but when you're a first time mum with little to no support these are huge overwhelming changes to your life. im not saying its a case of not thinking about anyone or anything else, im just saying that your kids are always in your mind and thats why so many people talk so much about them. they're a HUGE part of your life so of course you're gonna discuss them.

believe it or not, im actually not one of those baby bores (mainly cause i never get a chance to talk to adults! ) and i dont talk non stop about my child, my world didnt stop turning when she was born either- i have an honours degree which i got after she was born, and a job, i have a partner and i have my own hobbies.

i think some people are taking what i say in a literal sense, that every single thought is about my child. its hard to explain- when you become a mum even things that are for yourself involve some thoughts for your child.

e.g.
going out: make sure you've a sitter
buying clothes: will i have enough left for nappies



actually after all that explaining i think this quote says it best:

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice,once for herself and once for her child."
- Sophia Loren

Ayla

I am a friend wrote: »

...i also now think its a conscious decision as there are busy mothers here who dont want to talk about their kids all the time and have developed busy lives outside of the role of motherhood. This is the way I would like to be.

Great, do it.

I am a friend wrote: »

There is no right and no wrong, pro's and cons for both 'sides' but I know I would rather not be a baby-bore no matter how fab the child will be

Now, see, I could be the only one here who feels the smack of your hand, but this is unbelievably condescending. You claim you don't see "sides," and then you go right on & state you're not going to be one of those baby-bores who's obsessed with their kids...at what point is this not "sided?"

You want to maintain your life outside of mothering. That's fine. Whatever works for you & your family, fine. You dread socializing with "baby bores" and yet you continue to do so (no doubt complaining internally throughout it all).

I'm not sure exactly what you want out of this thread?

CK2010

just out of interest OP, what would you like to talk with the 'baby bores' about? genuine question

cynder

My life revolves around the kids (the kids dont revolve around me) i take them to school, pick them up, take the youngest to his therapists 2-3 times a week, take the eldest to horse riding and diabetic clinics, when we go anywhere i have to make sure i have all their medication (more important than clothes). when we go places as a family it has to offer good kids entertainment, if they are happy, we are happy . Our days out revolve around the kids zoos and parks.

I do get a bit of 'me' time here and there and my husband get 'his' time here and there and sometimes we have 'our' time, but the kids take up a good percentage of the day and i wouldnt have it any other way THATS WHAT WE HAD KIDS FOR, i didnt have my kids to be seen and not heard.....

Were happy, I have many friends that have kids and of course the topic of kids takes up a lot of the conversation, but not all of it.

I cant stand parents who always put themselves before the kids, a woman i baby sat for went drinking 4 nights a week and smoked hash on most nights she had 3 kids eldest 9 youngest 3 months. They didnt even have a cooker in house they had a 2 burner camping grill, she put herself before the kids most of the time and when she was out she never spoke about them. after 3 months of this i refused to babysit for her any longer, the money she was spending could have been used to provide better home for her kids.

Ayla

grindelwald wrote: »

..if they are happy, we are happy... I do get a bit of 'me' time here and there and my husband get 'his' time here and there and sometimes we have 'our' time, but the kids take up a good percentage of the day and i wouldnt have it any other way THATS WHAT WE HAD KIDS FOR, i didnt have my kids to be seen and not heard.....

Were happy, I have many friends that have kids and of course the topic of kids takes up a lot of the conversation, but not all of it.

+1

Acoshla

BostonB wrote: »

That because being a parent, is nothing like college, or project. That you think you can compare them, means you don't get it at all.

See, I totally understand that people with young kids will always talk about them a lot because most of their time and thoughts revolve around them, but the part I have quoted is the part us childless people find the most irritating about parents, the "You don't have any so you don't understand" line, it is incredibly condescending. I can listen to someone yap on about their kids for quite a while when they know where outsiders' interest stops and when they tell me in a manner that they would use with any other topic. But if someone starts doing the eye-rolls and "Until you have one you just won't "get" it" crap, that's when I start to hate it.

CK2010

i still remember the time i called my friends to tell them my girl took her first steps- they screamed so loud into the phone i swear id go deaf.
and then when she was sick in hospital they cried with me.
but if id have thought they were thinking 'what a bore' any time i talked about her id actually be really upset. even if i was talking about her 24/7 id never want to share any of those kind of moments with them again if i knew they felt that way.

Also, Spadina, that reminds me of one time i was in a shop with friends and my friend said something about a handbag being nice and i agreed. some woman said 'wait til ye young ones have kids and then yous wont be wasting ridiculous money on things you dont need', the look of shock on her face when i said ive a child at home! (i was 18, and very young looking at the time so i think that added to her shock!) but i love when things like that happen!

il admit that there are some things childless people cant comprehend until they have kids but for the most part they are human beings so they can at least understand even if they have never felt it or experienced it. i guess its kind of like grief, (very morbid!) you know its a painful process even if you've never gone through it, but when you do go through it you can comprehend it fully.

I am a friend

And people who don't have kids talk about plenty other than handbags, shoes etc

Why do I still see my friend (and talk to her every day)?? Cos I love the bones of her and we are best friends since we were 11. Cos when they got bad news about her first pregnancy I took time off work to clean her house and do her shopping so they could function and deal with the bad news.

I drove her to hospital and waited in the labour ward til her husband arrived on her next one. I cleaned her kids ass when she was rushed on with a false alarm (and I know she would do it for mine) so please dont patronise me by insinuating I am two faced. this girl will probably be my baby's godmother cos she is a fab mother but she does not know how to talk about anything other than kids and I love her girls but it's boring cos no one will ever be as interested in your kids as you are.

Acoshla

il admit that there are some things childless people cant comprehend until they have kids but for the most part they are human beings so they can at least understand even if they have never felt it or experienced it. i guess its kind of like grief, (very morbid!) you know its a painful process even if you've never gone through it, but when you do go through it you can comprehend it fully.

Yes exactly, people without kids don't understand completely but we have some comprehension, grief is a very good way of comparing it, you wouldn't roll your eyes at a friend and say "You don't understand losing a parent/partner/etc until you experience it", most people don't need to experience it to know it'd be awful, people without kids appreciate somewhat how tough/brilliant/tiring/exciting parenthood is without having to do it, we're not simpletons like some parents seem to think!

CK2010

I am a friend wrote: »

so please dont patronise me by insinuating I am two faced. this girl will probably be my baby's godmother cos she is a fab mother but she does not know how to talk about anything other than kids and I love her girls but it's boring cos no one will ever be as interested in your kids as you are.

tbh i dont think anyone was patronising you. its just a sensitive issue for some. and i dont think people are calling you a two faced person, i just know that i wouldnt like my friend thinking im a bore just for talking about my kids. it'd hurt. i have no interest in chemistry but i still listen to my friend talk about chemicals/experiments in her lab because shes passionate about it and it makes me happy that shes so happy.

and i know people without kids talk about more than handbags and shoes, i was childless once, although i was 16 then so it pretty much was all about shoes and bags! :rolleyes::)
im just wondering what you'd rather talk to her about?
most people discuss the important/good/exciting things in their life with friends, and for most parents that would be their kids. among other things, but mainly things involving their kids because thats their family and their life.

Ayla

I am a friend wrote: »

And people who don't have kids talk about plenty other than handbags, shoes etc

What? Where'd this come from?

I am a friend wrote: »

Why do I still see my friend (and talk to her every day)?? Cos I love the bones of her and we are best friends since we were 11. ...she does not know how to talk about anything other than kids and I love her girls but it's boring cos no one will ever be as interested in your kids as you are.

Ok, so going back to your original point, do it better. Be the better woman by managing to juggle the pressures of parenting against all of your other interests. Make a point of *not* talking about your kid all the time (and then you'll come up against people who wonder why you don't). And show your friend this thread, I'm sure she'd be interested to know what you really think.

I'm still wondering why you started this thread?...were you assuming that everyone would also jump in against the baby-bores, or were you looking for some form of support that you can balance parenting & the rest of your life?

Fittle

Why do women (particularly) seem to think it's a 'them vs us' attitude and feel like it's condescending when someone says 'you don't have kids, so you don't understand'?
It's not a competition. Mothers who have children don't feel any better than women who don't - we aren't trying to win medals for our parenting - in fact, there are few of us who probably would - most of us (if we're honest) would just admit that we're doing the best we can do for our children - my best may not be someones elses best, but it's still the best I can do!

When someone says 'You don't understand because you don't have children' - that's not an insult!! I have said before here that I have over 20 nephews and nieces, most of whom I half-reared, as some of my siblings lived in our parents when I was younger - some of my nephews and nieces are only a few years younger than me. I changed nappies for 20yrs, I babysat, I took some of them away on holidays with me as I got older - I spent aot of time in childrens company as a young woman in my 20s. And I thought I knew everything there was to know about children.
Until I had my own.

There are no words to explain how different it is when the child is your own - whether you are a birth mother or have adopted. When you have 100% responsibility or that child 24/7, it consumes you and until I had my own child, I never appreciated nor understood the difference in being able to hand a child back to its parents, and being the parent yourself.

So it's not condescending for one parent to say 'you don't understand'...and I can't explain why I also 'didn't understand' until I had my own, but I just didnt! I don't believe anyone should take offence at that statement, because no matter how you react to it, it's basically true!!!

BostonB

Spadina wrote: »

... but the part I have quoted is the part us childless people find the most irritating about parents, the "You don't have any so you don't understand" line, it is incredibly condescending...

...if someone starts doing the eye-rolls and "Until you have one you just won't "get" it" crap, that's when I start to hate it.

You haven't quoted anything I said. You've changed what I said, then edited it to look like a direct quote. Don't do that. I never mentioned a need to have kids at all. What I said does not imply that in anyway.

What I said if you think two entirely different things are the same. You don't understand the difference.

CK2010

Fittle wrote: »

There are no words to explain how different it is when the child is your own - whether you are a birth mother or have adopted. When you have 100% responsibility or that child 24/7, it consumes you and until I had my own child, I never appreciated nor understood the difference in being able to hand a child back to its parents, and being the parent yourself.

this!

but at the same time, a person cam sympathise without having their own children, they just cant 100% empathise.

having said that, a mother with more support than id have would not understand or empathise with me in the same way either. its all relative.

a mother with really good kids will never understand how a mother with really bold kids feels. because its not the same

LegacyUser

I also disagree with a lot of the 'you wouldn't understand' stuff. People kept telling me it would be different when I had my own.

But it wasn't. I mean, I love mine far, far more than I did others, but I'm never blinded by love in my reaction to their less savoury behaviours. I also never found the likes of sleeping patterns and learning to use a spoon particularly interesting. I am not the type to miss them whenever they go away for a day or so.

I think they're great, but I was amazed at the amount of stuff that's supposed to happen to parents that never happened to me. I actually felt guilty for this up to a point, but I, my husband and our five lovely children are happy.

As someone said, most aspects of understanding just require basic humanity.

BostonB

CK2010 wrote: »

this!

but at the same time, a person cam sympathise without having their own children, they just cant 100% empathise.

having said that, a mother with more support than id have would not understand or empathise with me in the same way either. its all relative.

a mother with really good kids will never understand how a mother with really bold kids feels. because its not the same

+1

Theres such a vast range of experience, that its unlikely most parents will even understand other parents completely.

Fittle

notlikethatforme wrote: »

I also disagree with a lot of the 'you wouldn't understand' stuff. People kept telling me it would be different when I had my own.

But it wasn't. I mean, I love mine far, far more than I did others, but I'm never blinded by love in my reaction to their less savoury behaviours. I also never found the likes of sleeping patterns and learning to use a spoon particularly interesting. I am not the type to miss them whenever they go away for a day or so.

None of us are blinded enough by love to ignore their bad behaviour. I also was bored rigid in the first year of his life. In fact, I was so bored for most of it, I was convinced I was clinically depressed!

What you describe is just parenting - I often get fed up, fed up of being the only person who cares enough for this child to encourage his good behaviour and chastise the bad stuff. I get fed up of being the one who's responsible for him 24/7 and there are many times when I wonder where the fcuk I have disappeared to!!

It's not plain sailing - none of us can pretend it is - but I think it's the parents who try to pretend it's all sweetness and light that are the ones who annoy others.

I've never been that type - I shout at him when I shouldn't, I chastise him purely because I have pmt and not because of his bad behaviour, I soften sometimes and apologise to him for going ott with the 'grounding' process and then I regret that I've apologised......and the list is endless.
But ultimately, I think we're all just doing our best..even if it's not good enough!

Acoshla

BostonB wrote: »

You haven't quoted anything I said. You've changed what I said, then edited it to look like a direct quote. Don't do that. I never mentioned a need to have kids at all. What I said does not imply that in anyway.

What I said if you think two entirely different things are the same. You don't understand the difference.

Excuse me but I pressed the quote button and just put a bit in bold font, I didn't change the wording at all! But your general kind of condescending tone ("Don't do that", tell your kids what to do not me) illustrates precisely what I find difficult to tolerate in some parents.

BostonB

Spadina wrote: »

Excuse me but I pressed the quote button and just put a bit in bold font, I didn't change the wording at all! But your general kind of condescending tone ("Don't do that", tell your kids what to do not me) illustrates precisely what I find difficult to tolerate in some parents.

Thats really odd then because when I quote it, I get this.

BostonB wrote: »

That because being a parent, is nothing like college, or project. That you think you can compare them, means you don't get it at all. I'm not being condecending, I expect thats the reality for most people. Its just not the same thing at all. Which is why so many get obssessed.



There are bores/selfish people in all walks of life, college, work, sport, parents are no different. The same people probably bored people to death in college about their projects.

A mate in work asked me once why I don't talk that much as others about my kids. I said because most of the time, unless you had a similar experience, people either are not interested, or understand the significance of what you are talking about. Also after a while you realise, you are surrounded by people who may not be able to have kids, or who have lost a child or a baby. So its not very empathtic. Indeed that might be why people might be intense about the kids they do have.

Who knows. Its best to accept that some people with kids, go a little nuts. Its wise to take that into a account.

...and also you said you just quoted part of it...

Spadina wrote: »

See, I totally understand that people with young kids will always talk about them a lot because most of their time and thoughts revolve around them, but the part I have quoted is the part us childless people find the most irritating about parents, the "You don't have any so you don't understand" line, it is incredibly condescending. I can listen to someone yap on about their kids for quite a while when they know where outsiders' interest stops and when they tell me in a manner that they would use with any other topic. But if someone starts doing the eye-rolls and "Until you have one you just won't "get" it" crap, that's when I start to hate it.

I didn't say, or imply "You don't have any so you don't understand" anywhere in what I posted, or indeed the "part" you mis quoted. It simply doesn't say that at all.

KittyeeTrix

notlikethatforme wrote: »

I also disagree with a lot of the 'you wouldn't understand' stuff. People kept telling me it would be different when I had my own.

But it wasn't. I mean, I love mine far, far more than I did others, but I'm never blinded by love in my reaction to their less savoury behaviours. I also never found the likes of sleeping patterns and learning to use a spoon particularly interesting. I am not the type to miss them whenever they go away for a day or so.

I think they're great, but I was amazed at the amount of stuff that's supposed to happen to parents that never happened to me. I actually felt guilty for this up to a point, but I, my husband and our five lovely children are happy.

As someone said, most aspects of understanding just require basic humanity.

I would be very similar to you in that I have 4 kids (aged 9-17) and I never went all Mammy overboard. I love the bones of them all but in relation to some of my friends I'd talk very little about them especially when they were babies.
It's only really now that they are older that I find myself talking a bit more about their achievements and the like.
I've had friends who never shut up about their kids talking about how much inches they've put on in the past 2 months, how fast their 6 month old is growing out of their clothes etc and to be honest I'd die inside of boredom a little more everytime I'd visit.......

I suppose all parents are different and some mothers can talk endlessly about their kids but it definitely wasn't for me, well not the stuff about bottles, nappies, teething etc:)

In fairness and considering I'm a parent since I was 19 I'm not surprised people who aren't parents would go mad listening to it!!! I've found it very difficult to listen to myself over the years....

But as I said, people are different!!

John Mason

i am finding this interesting - i dont have children, now i have no problem listening to my friends talk about their children for a reasonable amount of time but anything more then 30 solid minutes and i have zoned out.

was supposed to be going out for a 40th birthday dinner tonight until i heard who was going, i would be the only person going without children - absolutely no way in hell i could sit there for 3 hours listening to how great their kids are. so i have called in sick - heading out with my childless friends instead.

as much as parents talk about "you dont understand" or "it would be different if you had your own" - those comments work both ways "you dont understand that i have no interest in what the teacher said" and "it would be different if the shoe was on the other foot"

Fittle

irishbird wrote: »

as much as parents talk about "you dont understand" or "it would be different if you had your own" - those comments work both ways "you dont understand that i have no interest in what the teacher said" and "it would be different if the shoe was on the other foot"

You're wrong - we all had no children ourselves at one point you know - and none of us were interested in listening to people drone on about their kids for 30 minutes either, so we do understand. I said earlier, this isn't a 'them vs us' scenario.

It's the same no matter what life experiences we all have.

If I chose to talk about my parents deaths, someone who hasn't experienced a parents death can empathise yes, but they don't understand until their own parent dies.

If my friend chose to talk about the death of her sister, I can empathise, but I can't understand her pain because I haven't experienced the death of a sibling (thankfully).

It's just that we all have different life experiences and we all chose to talk about our own life experiences. I am a parent, and sometimes, I chose to talk about my child. That doesn't make me a baby-bore - it just makes me someone who talks about something she has experienced.

BostonB

Maybe I'm in the minority, or maybe its a guy thing, but I don't think any of my friends would spend more than about 5 mins, talking about kids. The exception to that would be close family, or if they were in the middle of some serious issue. TBH you could spend 20 mins talking about something else, before you'd remember to ask about some issue with their kids.

I think a lot of parents would often think about when they had no kids. Its bit like thinking back when you lived at home, or were at college or were single etc.

Fittle

BostonB wrote: »

Maybe I'm in the minority, or maybe its a guy thing, but I don't think any of my friends would spend more than about 5 mins, talking about kids. The exception to that would be close family, or if they were in the middle of some serious issue. TBH you could spend 20 mins talking about something else, before you'd remember to ask about some issue with their kids.

I think a lot of parents would often think about when they had no kids. Its bit like thinking back when you lived at home, or were at college or were single etc.

It's a guy thing;)

I had a house party yesterday - bouncy castle for the little fella, great fun. Most of the adults stayed, mainly the mothers. There were two dads who were here for about an hour, and I overheard both of them on their phones....Dad one told someone he 'couldn't get out to watch the match because I'm minding the children'...Dad two told someone else he was 'babysitting today coz herself is gone shopping'.

Not one woman I know would use the term 'minding' or 'babysitting' their OWN KIDS...

I think men and women are just different when it comes to their own kids - it's biology/nature so there's no real right or wrong in it. There are few men I know who obsess about their kids the way women do. Look at the baby gorilla born in Dublin zoo recently - the mother won't allow it out of her arms for at least two months and will then spend the next few years keeping it in her eye-shot. It's just nature and doesn't mean either sex is any more/less of a parent - it's just the way we're made.

KittyeeTrix

Fittle wrote: »

It's just that we all have different life experiences and we all chose to talk about our own life experiences. I am a parent, and sometimes, I chose to talk about my child. That doesn't make me a baby-bore - it just makes me someone who talks about something she has experienced.

I understand this Fittle and believe me I know where you are coming from but some mothers are baby-bores.....

I'm not saying the ones who meet up with friends and spend a few minutes of the converstion filling their friends in on the week *(you know, new teeth, the terrible restless night cos of it etc), I'm talking about the one who will speak of nothing else..............Those are the ones who annoy the daylights out of people (who have/haven't children)

Most reasonable people would have no problem when a mom mentions her kids when in conversation but not non-stop!!:)