How do you fall OUT of love?

Kiva.D

Falling IN is easy, untying the heartstrings is another story.
How do you convince your heart to follow a logical path?
How do you get over someone... THE one?
How do you fall out of love?

krudler

I'm not sure tbh, but its a bitch when it happens. Do you mean deliberately as in convincing yourself its right to break up with someone, or getting over them after a breakup?

Ickle Magoo

I find the best way is to force yourself to take off the rose-tinted specs...

I had to de-tangle my heart from a man my head knew wasn't a wholly healthy relationship and first of all I wrote a list of all things he'd done to annoy me, all the times I'd felt sad or angry and why, everything I didn't like about him, everything I didn't like about our relationship and then I wrote a list of what my perfect man and relationship would consist of and pinned them both to the front of the fridge and whenever I felt down I'd go and read it and remind myself why it wasn't right.

Throw in plenty of friends, family, holidays, nights out and the odd crush and bob's your uncle. Mind you, I'm pretty fickle, I don't take much persuading.

Kiva.D

krudler wrote: »

I'm not sure tbh, but its a bitch when it happens. Do you mean deliberately as in convincing yourself its right to break up with someone, or getting over them after a breakup?

Good question, guess I should clarify... How do you get over someone?

Wibbs

Ickle magoo's advice + Time = getting over someone.

PS no such thing as the ONE. No really. There isn't. There's no fate, it's meant to be or any of that. If they were the one you'd still be together. Your life is entirely on your hands and so is your emotional health

Wibbs

MOd hat on. This sounds like a relationship issue for you personally. There's a better forum for that. We usually move such threads there. If it's just a general thing then fine.

metrovelvet

Wibbs wrote: »

Ickle magoo's advice + Time = getting over someone.

PS no such thing as the ONE. No really. There isn't. There's no fate, it's meant to be or any of that. If they were the one you'd still be together. Your life is entirely on your hands and so is your emotional health

But that's the element that makes it hard. It points out how disposable you are.

Fall in love. Hit bottom. Climb back out.

He was rehearsal for the next rehearsal.

TheVoodoo

It's one of those situation were you see / hear the cliche sayings like "Time is a healer " or " Plenty more fish in the sea " and think and presume that it does not apply in your own case. But they do, and it may be hard to see it initially, but time really is the best healer. Take it from me, and the millions of other people who have been in that situation before.

Just take some 'you' time, distract yourself from thinking about it initially, but that does not mean bottling up emotions, and not talking about it. Catch up with old friends, go for coffee etc. Take away any reminders of the past, but most importantly, be positive!

Poor Craythur

Wibbs wrote: »

Ickle magoo's advice + Time = getting over someone.

It's a cliché, no-one likes hearing it when they are going through a break-up, but it's the truth. Time heals!

Wibbs

metrovelvet wrote: »

But that's the element that makes it hard. It points out how disposable you are.

Fall in love. Hit bottom. Climb back out.

He was rehearsal for the next rehearsal.

Yep. I'd say IMHO anyway 2 thirds of all relationships are like that. A game of emotional and sexual musical chairs that when the music stops that's who you're with and likely marry(and that music tends to stop by the hand of social convention). And where divorce is easy 50% of those break up. In Sweden it's closer to 70% in some demographics. These are couples who got revved up enough to settle down and make a public declaration and all that. Now it does mean 50% stay together, but how many of them might jump if they could? It's been my experience anyway that maybe 2 outa 10 really long termers are on balance healthy and places of growth for both. I'm a bit of a happy enough deconstructive neoNihilist though so your mileage might vary

metrovelvet

A happy deconstructionist neonihilist, now there is a new one.

Giselle

metrovelvet wrote: »

He was rehearsal for the next rehearsal.

A succint, and depressing appraisal.:(

metrovelvet

Giselle wrote: »

A succint, and depressing appraisal.:(

I know. I hate it too.

Kiva.D

Thanks for the great advice, everyone! Really, thanks!
I needed your wisdom and strength this day...

Wibbs wrote: »

MOd hat on. This sounds like a relationship issue for you personally. There's a better forum for that. We usually move such threads there. If it's just a general thing then fine.

Oh geez, I'm sorry Wibbs, I'm still new at this posting stuff...
The Ladies Lounge-rs are so intelligent and relate-able, I just assumed - I wanted their wise advice. Again, sorry for posting in the wrong place...

Kiva.D

Wibbs wrote: »

... It's been my experience anyway that maybe 2 outa 10 really long termers are on balance healthy and places of growth for both...

2 out of 10 you say? Not good odds in loves favor...
Good to know...

metrovelvet

Love fades. No one wants to admit it. Its a consipiracy of denial.

Either that or they get bored and dress it up on all sorts of sophisticated bull****.

My great uncle and his late wife is the only marriage/ltr I can think of that I admire and would actually want.

Ickle Magoo

There are a couple of marriages that look pretty miserable and at least one I would have filed for divorce from years ago - but that still leaves a hatfull of very long term relationships that I look on at and hope we are still enjoying each others company like that in 20 or 30 years from now...it's not all bad, not sure if painting an overly gloomy picture and making generalised claims about everyone and every relationship is entirely fair or representative of the whole story either...

Sibylla

Kiva.D wrote: »

Falling IN is easy, untying the heartstrings is another story.
How do you convince your heart to follow a logical path?
How do you get over someone... THE one?
How do you fall out of love?

In my experience falling in love isn't that easy, There is so much to consider, Initially you are seeing this person through rose tinted glasses. As time moves on the romantic element fades a little and you really get to know the person. Often this leads to the conclusion that they are not for you, Most people have to go through this before meeting the right person. I'm a believer in saying that people who fall in love/out of love that easily never truly loved the person in the first place. Couples who are genuinely in love and one falls out of love can be due to a number of reasons, People change and constantly grow which often means growing apart as opposed to together as a couple.

Wibbs

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

There are a couple of marriages that look pretty miserable and at least one I would have filed for divorce from years ago - but that still leaves a hatfull of very long term relationships that I look on at and hope we are still enjoying each others company like that in 20 or 30 years from now...it's not all bad, not sure if painting an overly gloomy picture and making generalised claims about everyone and every relationship is entirely fair or representative of the whole story either...

+1 even with my more *ahem* stark stat 2 outa 10 are pretty damn good. That's still a far chunk of people out there.

merlie

It is a hard task and one that takes time but above all patience.

I still love the guy whom I thought was 'the one' and he did get away! It's been 2 years now since he broke from me. We were friends before, we remained friends after, things have changed and it is not the same any more, but I found that keeping busy and finding new hobbies and going places and meeting new people has helped some.

starlit

Loose interest and things just not working out.

cards

I like to buy books on any subject that i feel that I'm stuck on.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Fall-out-Love-Hurts/dp/0446314080/ref=pd_sim_b_1

Morag

It's a death of a thousand cuts until you find yourself looking at them one day and think if they asked you out today you'd say no. If you find yourself less forgiving of their faults and flaws it's certainly a sign that something is wrong.

Adrian009

Move away, start a new job, be so busy said person hardly crosses your thoughts anymore. Then one day you wake up and wonder what you ever saw in said person.

Didn't work for me though!:D

opinion guy

Kiva.D wrote: »

Falling IN is easy, untying the heartstrings is another story.
How do you convince your heart to follow a logical path?
How do you get over someone... THE one?
How do you fall out of love?

Step 1: Realise there is no ONE

Step 2: See Step 1. All else will follow

beano345

relationships can end with a few harsh words or a thoughtless action its just their nature.time is the only healer and accepting when the dance is over,its over.....well until the next dancer comes along:D

ArtSmart

Kiva.D wrote: »

Falling IN is easy, untying the heartstrings is another story.
How do you convince your heart to follow a logical path?
How do you get over someone... THE one?
How do you fall out of love?

sorry K

'aint no cure for love' - and Lenny knows what he's talkin bout

blogga

Kiva.D wrote: »

Falling IN is easy, untying the heartstrings is another story.
How do you convince your heart to follow a logical path?
How do you get over someone... THE one?
How do you fall out of love?

It can't be the one.
If it was the one it would be reciprocal. Clearly it's not. Stop fooling yourself.

candy-gal1

Some great quotes and advice on here, thank you!
Very good for me going through my very first real breakup from my very first real relationship, tbh it just fcuking hurts!

Ride it out, pun unintended lol, and just remember that what you had together no-one can ever take it away from you or have those exact experiences no matter what. To me that works, kinda.

jennife

candy-gal1 wrote: »

Some great quotes and advice on here, thank you!
Very good for me going through my very first real breakup from my very first real relationship, tbh it just fcuking hurts!

Ride it out, pun unintended lol, and just remember that what you had together no-one can ever take it away from you or have those exact experiences no matter what. To me that works, kinda.

yep candy gal, i totally agree with you. losing someone you love is always gonna hurt but knowing that nothing lasts forever and nobody can take what you had with the person away from you is reassurring. its a nice way to think. you'll always have your memories with your love and its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. good luck OP

Laisurg

probably not a great way but in my previous experience i ended up just twisting it around to hatred and basically getting angry with them which sort of covered it up until time took its toll, that and a lot of cannabis.

Pardner

"If love was a choice, who would ever choose such exquisite pain?"

Scarlet 27

The only way I can get over a broken heart is to not see the person in question, which can be really difficult when you are used to seeing them all the time but if you are constantly seeing them, following them on facebook, texting each other etc you will only prolong the pain. I am a big believer in out of sight out of mind. I am on pretty good terms with most of my exs but I definitely need a period of time directly after breaking up with them when I cannot be around them.

Doing this combined with going out, going on holidays, spending time with friends and family, taking up a new hobbies, getting to know knew people and generally revelling in the good things about being single (of which there are many) and in time the pain will go.

gypsy_rose

blogga wrote: »

It can't be the one.
If it was the one it would be reciprocal. Clearly it's not. Stop fooling yourself.

This

Cat Melodeon

To get over someone you need to fill your time with other people and other things that make you feel good about yourself. You need to keep yourself busy so you don't really have time to mope. When you catch yourself thinking about him, think of a couple of things he did that annoyed you or things he said/did that hurt you and then stop thinking about him. I usually made myself hate the person - maybe not healthy but it worked.

I don't think there is a ONE either. There are greater and lesser matches, it all depends on where you are at in life too. I met a guy in my 20s who could have been the one but I wasn't ready to settle down. Thank christ, because I met my wonderful gorgeous sexy husband 4 years later - we've been together 10 years this year, married for 4 and although some might say it's early days yet he still leaves me breathless. You have to nurture longterm love, and it has to be based on more than the passion of the first raw panting months of attraction. The attraction can last, but you can't let yourself get mired down in the trivialities of everyday life, you have to find each other interesting, have shared new experiences, make each other laugh, be friend and family to each other as well as lovers.

Of course some people just can't be arsed with all that and have much more fun with the 8/10 wrong ones than the 2/10 suitable ones. There is a sweetness to the pain of love gone wrong too, otherwise poets and lyricists would have nothing to write about.

bluecatmorgana

For the first one it was falling in love with someone else. For the second one it was cutting him out of my life. Not really a good way to get over someone, but to be honest I think the reason I fell so hard was because my life was so **** so if I had made sure my life was wonderful it wouldnt have hurt so much because I would have this other wonderful thing in my life other than him. I think thats when you know you have a good happy life is when if your significant other broke up with you you would be sad but be alright.

Acacia

I think I fell out of love with my ex when we still together, and I think this made the break-up easier, in a way. It was really flogging a dead horse by the end of it. So while I was upset at the time, it only took a few monthes of going out with my friends, keeping busy and meeting a nice new guy that helped me get over it.

I can see how it's a totally different story if you actually were deeply in love and broke up with your partner. That's how I feel about my boyfriend at the moment and I don't know how I would fall out of love with him. If ever. So I'm afraid i don't have much advice to give other than to almost treat it as a bereavement and give yourself time to heal and space to meet new people (not just new lovers, but friends, perhaps even mor important.)

Jesus, that was very soppy. *returns to cynical persona*:D