Is physical/sexual attraction necessary in a relationship?

belle2011

Hi I was just wondering if i could get some advice.

I am going out with a guy now for two months and he is lovely in every way. I cannot fault the way he treats me at all but the one and only problem i have is that i do not find him physically attractive. And as this is the only problem i'm wondering should i keep going out with him and would i be a fool to let him go because nice guys are very hard to find!! And i'm wondering will this develop if i give him a bit more time?

Thanks in advance for any replies.

Eve_Dublin

Simple answer OP: what distinguishes a friendship from a relationship is mainly physical attraction. I've load of lovely male friends who I don't fancy and I class them as just friends.

I don't understand why you'd want to go out with and sleep with (etc.) someone you don't fancy? Would you not be better off keeping him as a friend?

Emme

OP, it all depends. Do you really want to be in a relationship? You rightly mention that nice guys are hard to find. If I were you I would persist, sometimes attraction can grow even if it's not there at the start. He may not make you swoon but if you don't find him utterly repulsive then don't give up yet.

If you were in your teens or early twenties I'd advise you to let him go and keep him as a friend, but if you're older than 30 and really want a relationship I'd stick with it.

I know that physical attraction is a prerequisite for almost all men and some women, but attraction for women is more complex and a number of factors come into play other than physical attraction. So, if he ticks all your other boxes hang in there, a good man is hard to find and the attraction might grow.

Good luck

seamus

From a male perspective, us men do have an emotional/egocentric side, and most men would be devastated if they found out that they were in a serious relationship with someone who did not find them physically attractive.

Think about it yourself - if he turned around to you tomorrow and said, "I think you're great craic and I like having you around, but you just don't turn me on at all", would you be happy to continue on in a relationship with him?

That's not to say that attraction can't grow, and certainly the relationship is very young, but I wouldn't wait a whole lot longer. If you're not attracted to the guy, then the relationship is built on false pretences and for everyone's sake you're better off cutting him loose.

belle2011

Thanks for the replies guys.

To be honest i really would like to be in a relationship but i thought that i should at least be mad about him at this stage? I do look forward to spending time with him and we get on great and there is no awkwardness or anything like tat.

I dont want to fall into that trap tat sunflower27 refers to as in being too fixated on looks and i'm afraid tat if i do break it off will i regret it cos he is a great guy and these are extremely hard to find!! (Trust me i have tried!!:o)

"When you say you don't find him attractive, OP, is it because he is not your usual type, eg: tall, well built or whatever??"

To answer your question he is not my normal type as in tall and well built which is what i usually go for but i dunno if i am just being a fool and i'm confused cos i think i should i have developed some feelings for him at this stage??

CathyMoran

belle2011 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys.

To be honest i really would like to be in a relationship but i thought that i should at least be mad about him at this stage? I do look forward to spending time with him and we get on great and there is no awkwardness or anything like tat.

I dont want to fall into that trap tat sunflower27 refers to as in being too fixated on looks and i'm afraid tat if i do break it off will i regret it cos he is a great guy and these are extremely hard to find!! (Trust me i have tried!!:o)

"When you say you don't find him attractive, OP, is it because he is not your usual type, eg: tall, well built or whatever??"

To answer your question he is not my normal type as in tall and well built which is what i usually go for but i dunno if i am just being a fool and i'm confused cos i think i should i have developed some feelings for him at this stage??

Does he feel like "home", if he does then you are on to a winner.

baby and crumble

I don't know about anyone else, but the thoughts of being in a relationship with someone who just wanted to be with me because I was 'nice', and didn't at least feel something akin to sexytimes when they looked at me is abhorrent. You're basically settling for someone who doesn't tick all your boxes because you're scared of being alone...

Forever Hopeful

belle2011 wrote: »

Hi I was just wondering if i could get some advice.

I am going out with a guy now for two months and he is lovely in every way. I cannot fault the way he treats me at all but the one and only problem i have is that i do not find him physically attractive. And as this is the only problem i'm wondering should i keep going out with him and would i be a fool to let him go because nice guys are very hard to find!! And i'm wondering will this develop if i give him a bit more time?

Thanks in advance for any replies.

OP, if this guy turned around to you tomorrow and said he wanted to end it, how would you feel? Sometimes we don't know what we have until its gone.
I am also in my late 30s and single. I don't have a defined type but I have to say I want the chemistry, I want the passion and I want to feel desired and to desire. Thing is, the guys from my past were never super model material but they were to me. An earlier poster asked does he feel like 'home'. I can ccompletely relate to that. I have had that and I want that again and won't settle for anything less.
OP, its up to you, you know yourself best. What is it that you really want (take the guy out of the equation). Forever is a long time when you are not quite sure.
Best of luck!

seenitall

A recipe for disaster, IMO - for your boyfriend, OP, not you.

Why? Because when you are in a long-termer with someone who you don't even fancy, the probability of, somewhere along the line, you falling for "the real deal" who will come along and rock your world at a glance, goes through the roof. Ergo, the probability of your current bf ending up heartbroken also rises exponentially.

Put it this way: I wouldn't like to be in your bf's shoes.

Best wishes.

Attraction grows, but it doesn't appear out of nowhere. Physical attraction is necessary in a relationship, but it can evolve over time from something else. If you find him horrible looking then I'd break it off, whereas if you're just not crazy about his looks give it some time. When I got with my current boyfriend, neither of us was all over each other, there was no instant chemistry, but these days we can't get enough of each other! It's true, nice guys are hard to find, but if you think your eyes will be wandering, it's not fair on him.

Wagon

This kind of stuff pisses me off. Personally, I'd break up with him now. Just me completely honest with him and say that you aren't attracted to him.

I'm a bloke. I can't think of many more things being too depressing to hear than a girlfriend telling me that she isn't attracted to me. You're keeping him around because he's such a "nice guy" and they're tough to find, that's very admirable. But it's been two months now and the attraction should have grown now.

You are looking for emotional support more than a relationship. It doesn't work like that. You need to have a physical side in a relationship otherwise you are just friends with not many benefits. To be completely honest, it's a pretty ****ty move to just keep him around just because eventually you will start to want the physical side a lot more and who ends up getting hurt? It's him. Not you, not "both of you", just him. Because he's going to be the one who has the watch the woman he could well love by then just head off with a tall and well built man.

So I can see where you are coming from in one way but seeing as how he is such a nice bloke, why not treat him with respect and let him go and find a woman who will love him completely?

If you want companionship, get a dog. But don't lead this guy on. It's because of **** like this which makes nice blokes so hard to find.

Dudess

Emme wrote: »

If you were in your teens or early twenties I'd advise you to let him go and keep him as a friend, but if you're older than 30 and really want a relationship I'd stick with it.

Not all women over 30 are that needy - I think it's pretty grim that you'd make such a recommendation. Nothing wrong with wanting to meet someone, and it's true that it becomes more difficult as you get older (although not impossible) but the notion that you MUST be in a relationship to the point that settling for someone you're not that into will do, needs to be put to rest. It's 2011 ffs.

OP, yes of course physical attraction is important - and physical attraction isn't just finding someone hot-looking, so stuff about good looks is moot. The point is: it should be there, simple as. Yeah, it can grow, but as someone else said, it's not going to grow out of nowhere.
Staying with someone whom you're not into physically, even if you get on brilliantly with them, is only going to cause untold misery - for both parties.

solerina

Its a difficult thing to end a relationship that is working in every way except physical attraction but sometimes it works out for the best. I have done it twice in the past. Two lovely guys, who were great fun to be with and treated me really well. It was a hard decision in both cases and one I took ages to decide on. However I did break it off both times (ok it took me 6-12 months to be sure I was doing the right thing). I have now met a guy who is great fun to be with, treats me really well and who I totally fancy. Dont let your age force you into thinking Id better hang onto this one because there may not be someone better out there....There probably will be someone who has everything you are looking for.............Good Luck

Emme

Dudess wrote: »

Not all women over 30 are that needy - I think it's pretty grim that you'd make such a recommendation. Nothing wrong with wanting to meet someone, and it's true that it becomes more difficult as you get older (although not impossible) but the notion that you MUST be in a relationship to the point that settling for someone you're not that into will do, needs to be put to rest. It's 2011 ffs.

It's not about being needy and over 30, it's about hitting your 30s and growing up. Like women, men are often "hotter" in their 20s so you're more likely to meet guys you fancy rotten when you're younger and that's a big part of the attraction. As you get older you start to appreciate other qualities in a man and looks go down the list (well they did with me).

I said that if the OP finds her bf unattractive to the point of repulsion she should let him go. If he's not her type physically but floats her boat in other ways (sense of humour, personality or something she can't put a finger on) she should stick with him and the physical attraction may grow.

Tall, well-built guys are rare in Ireland so if that's the issue and everything else is ok I'd advise the OP to stick with him, particularly if she's ready for a ltr.

tinkerbell

I don't understand why you'd want to be in a relationship with someone who you weren't physically attracted to, it's just baffling. Sounds like he's just a friend that you hang out rather than a boyfriend.

seamus

Emme wrote: »

It's not about being needy and over 30, it's about hitting your 30s and growing up. Like women, men are often "hotter" in their 20s so you're more likely to meet guys you fancy rotten when you're younger and that's a big part of the attraction. As you get older you start to appreciate other qualities in a man and looks go down the list (well they did with me).

Yes, but I don't think that's what the OP is referring to. It's possible to have friends who are of your preferred sex, and while you acknowledge that they are attractive or not unattractive, you have absolutely no sexual desire towards them.

That's different to ranking looks down the list, where they're not that important, but you still find the person sexually desireable.

I gather from OP's post that it's not that the guy is necessarily unattractive, but that she has no sexual feelings towards him.

I have no problem with two pensioners shacking up together because they enjoy eachother's company but have no desire for a sexual relationship. But anyone under 60 shouldn't be looking at a partner and thinking, "I'm not into shagging him, but he's a nice guy and I don't want to be alone".

fghijkl

To be honest i really would like to be in a relationship but i thought that i should at least be mad about him at this stage? I do look forward to spending time with him and we get on great and there is no awkwardness or anything like tat.

I dont want to fall into that trap tat sunflower27 refers to as in being too fixated on looks and i'm afraid tat if i do break it off will i regret it cos he is a great guy and these are extremely hard to find!! (Trust me i have tried!!)

IMHO sexual attraction is the most important thing in a relationship.
It's what separates a friend from a lover and partner.

But OP i think a lot of people are equating sexual attraction with good looks. Personally i don't think this is true. You are either attracted to someone sexually or you are not. I've gone out with very good looking guys and felt no sexual attraction towards them at all and on the flip side i've dated guys who were considered not good looking and i couldn't keep my hands off them. I think after 2 months you know whether you want to sleep with someone, you know if they float your boat, regardless of what they look like.

Originally Posted by Emme
If you were in your teens or early twenties I'd advise you to let him go and keep him as a friend, but if you're older than 30 and really want a relationship I'd stick with it.

wow just wow. How horrendously selfish.

OP the next bit is going to probably sound harsh but:
I've seen the damage settling does.
Now while you may be willing to settle for 2nd best and decide that you're willing to accept a half relationship with someone you're not attracted to, well, you're a grown woman and that's your choice.
But stop and think about him for a minute.
It's not fair to trap him in a relationship under false pretenses. You don't have the right to decide this guys future by lying to him, you may feel that settling is good enough for you, but it's disgustingly selfish to make that decision for him. He deserves the right to be happy with a woman who both loves him and finds him sexually attractive, who are you to deny him that right by lying to him.

All i ask is that if you do decide to give it a bit more time to decide if the attraction will grow and it doesn't, then either dump him or tell him you're not attracted to him. Nobody has the right to trap somebody in a half hearted faux relationship and deny them true happiness because of their own fear of being alone, or for the sake of being in a relationship. You seem to be looking at this in an entirely selfish light, What about him? Do you honestly think he'd want to stay with a woman who didn't find him attractive?

IrishEyes19

seamus wrote: »

From a male perspective, us men do have an emotional/egocentric side, and most men would be devastated if they found out that they were in a serious relationship with someone who did not find them physically attractive.

Think about it yourself - if he turned around to you tomorrow and said, "I think you're great craic and I like having you around, but you just don't turn me on at all", would you be happy to continue on in a relationship with him?

That's not to say that attraction can't grow, and certainly the relationship is very young, but I wouldn't wait a whole lot longer. If you're not attracted to the guy, then the relationship is built on false pretences and for everyone's sake you're better off cutting him loose.

Totally agree with this. Dont want to put so much emphasis on looks. But it's sexual attraction that defines the difference between friendship and relationships. I've often found in my relationships, the sexual and intellectual attraction go hand in hand. Like Seamus said here, its possible for it to grow, but it shouldn't take too long for that to happen.

Steamer

There are a lot of factors to sexual attractiveness but it boils down to one thing:

Does he turn you on?

Emme

fghijkl wrote: »

I've seen the damage settling does.
Now while you may be willing to settle for 2nd best and decide that you're willing to accept a half relationship with someone you're not attracted to, well, you're a grown woman and that's your choice.
But stop and think about him for a minute.
It's not fair to trap him in a relationship under false pretenses. You don't have the right to decide this guys future by lying to him, you may feel that settling is good enough for you, but it's disgustingly selfish to make that decision for him. He deserves the right to be happy with a woman who both loves him and finds him sexually attractive, who are you to deny him that right by lying to him.

All i ask is that if you do decide to give it a bit more time to decide if the attraction will grow and it doesn't, then either dump him or tell him you're not attracted to him. Nobody has the right to trap somebody in a half hearted faux relationship and deny them true happiness because of their own fear of being alone, or for the sake of being in a relationship. You seem to be looking at this in an entirely selfish light, What about him? Do you honestly think he'd want to stay with a woman who didn't find him attractive?

Not all relationships start with the people concerned wanting to jump on each other. Love can grow, and sexual attraction can develop as people get to know each other. I'm not suggesting that the OP continue indefinitely with this guy if she continues not to fancy him, but to give it one or two more months and see if physical attraction develops on her side. The guy sounds like he's anything BUT second best, he's decent and he treats her well. That's why he deserves a chance. If he knocked her socks off sexually but was a cad in other respects THEN he'd be second best.

Anyway, what's the guarantee that they're exclusive at this stage? :rolleyes: They're only together two months and these days people don't seem to get exclusive for ages. He could well be seeing other people and may decide HIMSELF that he doesn't want to continue with the OP.

Permabear

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Emme

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

Women can earn their own living now so thankfully don't have to enter a relationship for security. That's no reason for waiting for George Clooney or a member of the Irish rugby team to come along and the short tubby guy with the sexy eyes from next door could well be "the one" given a chance.

I will say from experience that there is pressure on "women of a certain age" to settle down and to take anything that approaches. There's a rake of books on the subject as if women age 30 up don't feel bad enough about ourselves already. In the days of Jane Austen people of a certain class married for money/status/security and had their fun elsewhere. Up until recently (as late as the 1950s) people in rural Ireland married for land and security and it was expected that love would develop later, if at all. Some of those marriages were surprisingly happy as people went into them with realistic expectations.

Nowadays we expect our partner to fulfill ALL our expectations and I think that this may be a little unrealistic. We're not perfect ourselves, so why should we expect perfection in others?

fghijkl

Nowadays we expect our partner to fulfill ALL our expectations and I think that this may be a little unrealistic. We're not perfect ourselves, so why should we expect perfection in others?

There's a HUGE difference between having unrealistic expectations and settling for someone you are not attracted to.

Yes looks are subjective, and as we get more mature most people realise that looks aren't everything. But good looks do not = sexual attraction.

Sexual attraction (reguardless of what your partner looks like) is the basic fundamental building block of a healthy romantic relationship.

If you don't have that you don't have a relationship end of.

Permabear

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ibarelycare

CathyMoran wrote: »

Does he feel like "home", if he does then you are on to a winner.

What does that even mean?



OP are you and your partner having sex? Or have you reached that stage yet?

If you haven't yet, then maybe things will change when you do. I dated a guy before who I wasn't very attracted to and wasn't sure about, but once we ended up sleeping together it was a different story. There was suddenly so much chemistry and I was seeing him in a whole new way.

If you have had sex, and you still don't find yourself attracted to him, then I don't see any hope. He's a friend, and it sounds like you're settling, just because you want a relationship. Staying with him just because he's "nice" is very patronising.

fghijkl

Just saw this....

I think i'll have to agree to disagree with you emme, we obviously have polar opposite priorities when it comes to relationships...

The guy sounds like he's anything BUT second best, he's decent and he treats her well. That's why he deserves a chance. If he knocked her socks off sexually but was a cad in other respects THEN he'd be second best.

Sorry but that's absolute crap, He fulfils one need but not another but because that need is "only" sexual attraction, it somehow becomes less important?!
Yes of course he should be decent and treat her well, but its incredibly nieve to think that that is more important or at the very least not as equally important as basic sexual attraction.

If he only fulfils half of what the OP wants from a relationship then he is 2nd best. The OP obviously wants to be sexually attracted to him and she isn't.

Dudess

Yeah I can't see how there are two ways about it. Of course we can't expect every box to be ticked but there are two boxes that HAVE to be ticked when it comes to a relationship: you both really like each other (as in, care about, want to be in each other's company all the time, can't stop thinking about); you both really like each other to the point of wanting to have sex with each other.
As said, this does not mean they have to be gorgeous-looking with a body to die for.
You can really like someone - care about them etc, but not enough to want to have sex with someone. You can want to have sex with someone, but not care about them. Neither alone is sufficient for a relationship - you have to have both.
It's pretty cut and dry.

as if women age 30 up don't feel bad enough about ourselves already.

Speak for yourself? If you want to cave in to and perpetuate a certain notion held in relation to women over 30 (I personally don't see people reading into it as much as you say tbh) your choice, but not all women define themselves by their age. Yes, there are certain realities that have to be faced up to from about 35 on, but seeing as 35 is not 65, they're only the early stages of them (having children aside) and I'd prefer to go with the facing up to them when they're relevant approach rather than latching on to them even when they're not an issue.

Emme

Dudess wrote: »

You can really like someone - care about them etc, but not enough to want to have sex with someone.
You can want to have sex with someone, but not care about them.
Neither alone is sufficient for a relationship - you have to have both.

It's pretty cut and dry.

It isn't as cut and dry as you'd like to think. It's hard trying to find both of the above in the same person. In my experience you either get one or the other so I think it's best to be with the person you care for even if you don't necessarily want to have sex with them as you might want to do so in time. If you do find both attributes straight away in the one person then you're onto a winner and very very lucky indeed.

ibarelycare

Emme wrote: »

It isn't as cut and dry as you'd like to think. It's hard trying to find both of the above in the same person. In my experience you either get one or the other so I think it's best to with the person you care for even if you don't necessarily want to have sex with them. If you do find both attributes in the one person then you're onto a winner and very very lucky indeed.

People aren't "very very lucky" to find someone you both care deeply about and are sexually attracted to I'm sorry, but you're just very very unlucky NOT to have found someone like that.

For someone to stay with someone just because they EITHER care a lot about them OR are very attracted to them, then they're just settling. In a healthy and happy relationship you can and should have both!

Faith

Oh my god, this thread is depressing. It's appalling to me that there's women out there who are so desperate not to be alone that they'd settle for someone they're not even attracted to. I could have gotten married at 16 if that was how I thought.

OP, attraction is very important. Others have covered this, but attraction cannot grow from nothing. I'll admit that when I met my ex, over the first 6 months or I went from thinking "Yeah, he's attractive" to "That man is absolutely beautiful and I can't believe he's mine". But if you're not attracted to him from the get-go, you probably never will be. By staying with him, you're missing out on chances to meet a guy who'll be lovely AND sexually attractive.

Micky 32

seamus wrote: »

From a male perspective, us men do have an emotional/egocentric side, and most men would be devastated if they found out that they were in a serious relationship with someone who did not find them physically attractive.

Think about it yourself - if he turned around to you tomorrow and said, "I think you're great craic and I like having you around, but you just don't turn me on at all", would you be happy to continue on in a relationship with him?

That's not to say that attraction can't grow, and certainly the relationship is very young, but I wouldn't wait a whole lot longer. If you're not attracted to the guy, then the relationship is built on false pretences and for everyone's sake you're better off cutting him loose.

Well said. OP i would really do the guy a big favour and let him go. That way he might have a chance to meet someone who likes him in everyway he should be liked. If it were me and i found you weren't attracted to me i'd run. Could you imagine the reaction a woman would have if she found out he didn't fancy her??:rolleyes:

I think after 2 months if attraction hasn't developed i doubt it ever will.

aidan24326

Yeah OP that whole chemistry thing is usually either there or it isn't, you can't force it, and it sounds that in this case however 'nice' the guy may be you just don't really feel that spark, and if you don't feel it after 2 months it's probably not going to happen.

Fentdog84

If he's not doing it for you, dont be with him. Simple as. Its not fair on him either.

inexperienced

op, was it just the look that you are not attracted to or something?

i went out with a guy that was tall and well-built and is very nice to me and all that... but then i did not find him very attractive to me. i did like him more and more though.

i told him my feelings, indeed, i did not mind dating him for a longer time and see how things go, but i would prefer to be honest with him.

and he ended it.

i look back now, i think it's not about the look. although i prefer an average height guy more because i am short. i think we have not too many in common and what made things worse was that he was trying a bit hard to please me and hid himself. i did not feel a real connection there.

so, think about what's really missing, is it the look you really cant accept? or his personality or what?

and be honest with him.

i do believe though, attraction can grow. he might or might not be the one. but talk with him and let him know, see whether he's willing to spend more time or he would wanna just go.

and op, no worries about not meeting nice men, you will eventually. just learn from each relationships and you will meet a nice man who is attractive to you. maybe it's that you grow up and change your taste, maybe it's that you are more mature and be able to handle yourself in front of those guys who catch your eyes when you first meet them, maybe....

all the best.

Kevin Duffy

If you have a look around at the amount of people whose relationships are suffering because sexual attraction has died after some time, it doesn't suggest you'll have great success if the attraction is not there to begin with.

Have some respect for him, let him go and find someone who wants him as he'd like and deserves to be wanted. Have some faith that you'll find the right man for you, who has all you want.

CathyMoran

At two months dating I used to be at the kissing all the time stage, cetainly there should be something there - I mentioned before about someone feeling like home - it is possible to fall in love with someone who is nice and treats you well but who also has something. I met a man a long time ago, thought that he was physically my type almost exactly and then was fortunate enough to keep on meeting him and fell head over heals in love - I still am. If there is nothing there then you really should not be together, sorry.

HugoDrax

Sex is a prerequisite for a healthy relationship. Otherwise forget about it.

starlit

Most definitely, at least one or the other or both. If something isn't there it could spell issues. You can be physically attracted to someone but not have sexual attraction or you can have sexual attraction but not have physical attraction. Depends on who you are with. Pheromones have a lot to contribute! Sometimes just to fancy someone or like someone is not enough sometimes it is. I think if you have both great, if one you need to work on the other to see if the relationship is likely to last. Its a factor but there are other things that will contribute more so to a longer lasting relationship, physical element is just one aspect! If ye are compatible, on the same level physically, emotionally and spiritually and intellectually you have a great basis for a relationship! If one is missing could be a deciding factor how the relationship will go.

Trust, communication, honesty and loyality and friendship are other factors too. Physical is just part of it and starts the thing going sometimes other times it be a chat could blow the person away if ye click and get on well together everything else would fall into place maybe...

tan11ie

seenitall wrote: »

A recipe for disaster, IMO - for your boyfriend, OP, not you.

Why? Because when you are in a long-termer with someone who you don't even fancy, the probability of, somewhere along the line, you falling for "the real deal" who will come along and rock your world at a glance, goes through the roof. Ergo, the probability of your current bf ending up heartbroken also rises exponentially.

Put it this way: I wouldn't like to be in your bf's shoes.

Best wishes.

+ 1 Exactly what i was going to write.

BraziliaNZ

Emme wrote: »

Like women, men are often "hotter" in their 20s

That is hands down the most ridiculous thing I've ever read on this forum.

BraziliaNZ

Dudess wrote: »

Speak for yourself? If you want to cave in to and perpetuate a certain notion held in relation to women over 30 (I personally don't see people reading into it as much as you say tbh) your choice, but not all women define themselves by their age. Yes, there are certain realities that have to be faced up to from about 35 on, but seeing as 35 is not 65, they're only the early stages of them (having children aside) and I'd prefer to go with the facing up to them when they're relevant approach rather than latching on to them even when they're not an issue.

You're speaking some sense here. I know some very confident, good looking single women in their 30s that are certainly not rushing into anything or under any pressure.
By the sounds of some of the posters here there are a lot of weak women out there that don't have the guts to be on their own after the age of 30 because of some kind of social pressure. It's time for women to errr man up!

Dudess

Often the obstacles faced by women in their 30s are put there by themselves rather than society, despite what they claim. That's not to say women in their 30s should delude themselves, but defining oneself by one's age... why would you punish yourself like that?

Sunflower, I care more about personality now then looks too (and have done since my early to mid 20s) but that's different to making do with a guy who's a nice person but you don't want to have sex with him. Physical attraction is intangible and isn't always about looks anyway.

A friend of mine had a similar issue to the OP recently - met a guy who was really good-looking and a lovely person, yet she still wasn't physically attracted to him. And she tried to make it work as she knew he was a great catch, but it just wasn't happening so she ended it. She was right - if that element that makes your heart jump, your tummy flip and your knees weak isn't there... then it's not physical attraction. And really, I personally think the aspect of a person, above all else, that will do all those things to another... is their personality.

Ickle Magoo

This thread is for offering the OP advice, if anyone wants a discussion on how relationship expectations differ or not for women over 30's, please take it to Humanities.

belle2011

Thanks for all the replies!!

I just thought i'd clarify that i'm actually 28 as a lot of people are assuming that i'm in my 30s and desperate to settle down and tats not the case at all. I know i said earlier that i wanted to be in a relationship and i dont think tat there is anything wrong with tat but i meant only if it felt right and i'm not sur my current one does feel right and i dont know why cos i could not say a bad word about the guy at all.

I also dont want a Brad Pitt look alike on my arm the guy i'm with actually is not bad looking at all its just i'm not sur i find him sexually attractive.

I'm really confused over whether to give it a bit more time to see how things go or just call it quits now cos i really dont wanna hurt this guy at all cos i'm not that type of person and i wouldnt like to be hurt myself (have been there before and it sucks big time!!)

Thanks again for all the replies!!

CathyMoran

Chemistry is great but it is not and should not be everything in a relationship - you have to live day to day as well and actually love the person as well. If someone makes you feel safe and warm, loved and wanting to return that love (and be a better person) it means a lot as well. Sometimes some of the best relatioships can be slow burners at first. OP, only you can know in your heart how you feel - best wishes.

bridal

i think you need to take a long look at the relationship, see if you really feel in your heart for this guy. ASk yourself if you could see him in a diff relationship with someone else, would u mind seeing him with other women etc, could you bear that. As OP said some true loves are slow burners at first, it takes a while to get to know a person so its a hard one, only you can decide what road u take. best of luck

boarddotie

I am so so glad I read this post and the rplies when I did. I am new to his city and he is local and into all the local passtimes (ladies love country boys kinda thing). He is dead cool, funny, nice and the craic is 90 and while I think he is cute I dont fancy the pants off of him!
Like we had our 3th date today, unreal day of adventures. But I was DREADING him moving in for the kiss. Because I would have (if I did kiss him back) just been going through the motions There were a few hot guys on the tour we were on and all I could think about was those hotties. That shouldnt happen in a proper relationship and defo not at this early stage (a few weeks). I feel terrible because he is so great and he has made it clear he likes me...

..but the advice I am giving myself now after reading all this, and OP you maybe could too, is that if the idea of full on kissing and hopping into bed together for some smooshing doesnt make you excited in some tiny way then give it up. You will only resent him and end up looking for the passion somewhere else.

Good luck!

Bottleofwater

Face it, the only reason you're not attracted to him is because he is too nice to you. I have a feeling that if he was the kind of guy that would come along and call ya hunny, bit of a slap on the arse then he'd get your motor running? You'll probably disagree, don't. How about this...talk to him, tell him to turn on the bad boy thing for a bit...roleplay and see if it does anything for you. He might want to too, because it's natural really but he is probably too scared of hurting your feelings and scaring you away....just give it a go and let me know what happens, it's relationship over otherwise. Bit of an experiment too, you'll be doing the dating world a great service with your results

Otherwise you'll lose the genuine nice guy who could also have been the bad boy when you need and you'll end up with the real bad guy, who'll steal your heart and break it

7Sins

I don't understand the mechanics of this at all. How did you start going out with him in the first place? If you didn't find him attractive and he asked you out, I'd persume you would have said no? If you met in a club and the beer goggles were on, grand but surely he would've got a text within the next few days to let him down?

Like I assume you two have had sex? this is strange to say the least. He's an alright looking guy you say but it's the sexual thing, hmmm. More detail needed for me to understand this one.

belle2011

Hi OP here again.

7Sins - to answer your question i met him on a night out (i didn know him before at all) and for the first few dates i fancied this guy. If i could write a list of how i wanted my "perfect" guy to act and the things i wanted him to say then he would tick every single box. Yes we have slept together but it didnt go so well on his part and since then i lost all attraction towards him even though i really like him as a person.

I broke it off with him on Friday night and since then my head is all over the place. I cant think straight and he is constantly on my mind. I lie awake at night thinking about him and what happened. I have thoughts going through my mind like maybe i should have given it more time to see what happened and maybe i would have been attracted to him again but i dont know maybe it is a gulity conscious cos he is such a genuinely lovely guy. We have not been in contact since then but i still cant stop thinking about him.

I was kinda thinkin of contacting him and saying something like should we give it another go for another month or so to see how we get on or should i just leave him be. I still dont think i'm attracted to him at the moment though. I also dont want him to end up getting hurt if i still feel the same in a few weeks time.

Any advice apprecaited cos i am feeling totally confused and miserable!!

belle2011

belle2011 wrote: »

I was kinda thinkin of contacting him and saying something like should we give it another go for another month or so to see how we get on or should i just leave him be. I still dont think i'm attracted to him at the moment though. I also dont want him to end up getting hurt if i still feel the same in a few weeks time.

Any advice apprecaited cos i am feeling totally confused and miserable!!

You're not attracted, going back for more on/off would wreck his head.
Leave him alone and move on.