Husband likes me wearing make-up

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Long-time poster going unreg.

I'm happily married to a man who loves me and is very kind, supportive & patient. We've been together nearly 20 years, he works hard to provide for me & the kids, ....nice house, cars, holidays (even in the current environment, though less frequently).

So my issue is a fairly trivial one: I don't like to wear any make-up, my husband says he likes it when I do.

Yes, it's that unimportant.

But at times he says he gets quite down if we go out somewhere and he thinks I've "made no effort" with my appearance.

He can be a bit critical of my clothes at times too, but only in the sense that he'll say "that colour really looks good on you" or "that outfit doesn't really suit you". I guess his judgement is not altogether wrong about things like that, but I find it annoying that he says anything at all about my appearance... good or bad!

He does try to be subtle about his comments/advice... he will say things like "that colour is really good on you, and you know a bit of lipstick / mascara would be a great addition". I know that he's pleased when I do wear even a bit of lipstick, which would be less than once a month at this stage, but I just find myself being annoyed every time he suggests it.

And.... in case it's relevant: We don't have sex as often as he'd like, but he never pressures or nags me, in fairness. We do have sex any time I suggest it! He's not the most stylish dresser himself, but always clean shaven, showered, and reasonably groomed.

Am I being unreasonable?

Faith

I think I kind of get where he's coming from. How would you feel if you went out for a fancy dinner and he wore the same tracksuit pants out that he'd been wearing all day? Of course it's entirely up to you whether you want to wear make-up or not, but I really don't understand why you don't when you know it pleases him so much. We all do things to please our partners that we wouldn't do if we were single. For instance, many of us women wear fancy, completely impractical underwear because our partners find it sexy. It's nice to make an effort once in a while. He probably doesn't enjoy shaving every day, but he still does it.

I think that there's a very, very easy solution here: Start wearing a bit of make-up. He'll be happy and you won't be getting annoyed. It's all about compromise here IMO.

fghijkl

If he only wants you to wear a bit of mascara or lipstick then yes you are being unreasonable. It takes 2 seconds to brush some mascara over your lashes or apply lipstick.

But at times he says he gets quite down if we go out somewhere and he thinks I've "made no effort" with my appearance.

Is this true? Do you actually bother dressing up in nice clothes when you go to dinner or whatever?
Could it be that you're letting yourself go, and he's subtly trying to tell you that?

I'm sure if he suddenly stopped shaving and grew a beard half way down his chest or pilled on 3 stone, you'd say something no?

I don't think the issue is about clothes or make up, it's about you not appearing bothered to make an effort to look nice for yourself or for him...that you're not making any effort to keep the spark alive in your marriage. Everyone wants to feel like their partner cares/loves/fancies them enough to still make an effort for them, that you're not just saying ah sure i have him now, i don't need to bother making an effort anymore.

missgroovy21

I agree!!! if u dont want to wear full make up and bit of lipstick and eye shadow would be sufficent......you dont have to wear foundation, mascara, eye liner the works if u dont want to but i find it makes me feel sexier when im dressed up hair and full make up on.....maybe try it once see what ya think?

Miss Fluff

I don't understand why making an effort for him is such an issue tbh, you should WANT to. Sounds like you're being pretty unreasonable....

Dudess

It's a turn-on when your partner is attracted to you - so making yourself look such a way that appeals to them is an ego boost for you too. My take on it anyway...

FortyPlusHubby

NoFoundation wrote: »

Yes, it's that unimportant.

But at times he says he gets quite down if we go out somewhere and he thinks I've "made no effort" with my appearance.

I understand where your husband is coming from with this. Indeed my own wife could have written your OP, if she was inclined to use a PC at all.

The issue may seem unimportant to you, but it clearly isn't unimportant to him. He sounds as though he's ticking all the boxes for "good husband" status, but it seems clear that you don't place much value on how he feels, or how much love / attention / comfort he has provided for you. I would hazard a guess (and this is very much based on my own experience) that he probably spends most of his life in a very male-oriented role (e.g. at work in a male-dominated profession) and he wants to experience the companionship of a feminine woman to balance what's missing in his life.

If you're nearly 20 years married then you're probably a woman in her forties, and that's a time in your life when your outwardly feminine appearance is changing... in effect becoming less "feminine" in the classical sense. With make-up, a woman can continue to look very feminine and attractive well into her later years, but without any make-up the face begins to show signs of ageing, possibly of hardness, etc.

Perhaps I'm not offering the advice you wanted to hear? Maybe I'm all wrong about this, but your post sounds as though you want to deny your femininity (as he sees it) and expect him to be silent about it? That does not seem like the behaviour of a wife who loves her husband. Even your description of his (providing house, cars, holidays) role in your life is quite mercenary. I expect he too feels this lack of love and it brings him down. An action speaks a thousand words,... so if you love him why not show him?

40pH

LegacyUser

Sorry but I'm shocked. You have a husband who still fancies you after 20yrs and you can't even be bothered to put on a bit of mascara when you go out for dinner? You should value what you have more.

And yes, he probably is dropping subtle hints. It's time for a makeover

liah

Does it bother you so much because you may feel that he likes you better with it than without on some level, and that makes you feel like he's not attracted to you, but 'you'?

If not, why do you think it annoys you?

LegacyUser

fghijkl wrote: »

If he only wants you to wear a bit of mascara or lipstick then yes you are being unreasonable. It takes 2 seconds to brush some mascara over your lashes or apply lipstick.

That's not true. Lipstick needs to be refreshed during the course of an evening, which I just find to be a pain in the ar*e.

I think a lot of the responses here are from younger women who lack the self-confidence to just be as they are, and like to dress up a bit tarty to get a man. I don't think at 42 that I should have to do that.

LegacyUser

liah wrote: »

Does it bother you so much because you may feel that he likes you better with it than without on some level, and that makes you feel like he's not attracted to you, but 'you'?

If not, why do you think it annoys you?

Yes Liah, that's part of it I guess. I think he should respect my wishes to not wear make-up.

When I do make the effort to wear lipstick when we go out to a restaurant he'll smile after the meal and say something like "thanks for dressing up tonight dear, and I'm sorry that the wine has caused your lipstick to wear off" ... as a hint that I need to refresh. It makes me feel under pressure to re-apply, and it makes me not want to bother at all even the once a month or so when I do.

Why can't he accept me the way I am?

LegacyUser

mascaraqueen wrote: »

Sorry but I'm shocked. You have a husband who still fancies you after 20yrs and you can't even be bothered to put on a bit of mascara when you go out for dinner? You should value what you have more.

But isn't that the point? Should he not value what he has, without wanting me to put on make-up?

Count Duckula

Surely to God I'm not the only person here who thinks that the OP should not have what she wears dictated by someone else? If her husband is complaining because she's not putting on makeup for him then he should cop on and realise it's because she doesn't want to. He's supposed to love this woman after all, and that includes respecting her wishes as to what she is and is not willing to do.

Alternatively, the OP should start demanding that the husband wear makeup too. Why should she do anything he won't?

I don't think he's dictating, I think he's carefully making suggestions.
It's nice to do things once in a while for the ones we love.
A little bit of effort for her appearance for a few hours in the evening once in a while wouldn't put her out too much and would be greatly appreciated I think

dublin daz

I don't know much about makeup apart from when I see someone wearing it.

I think its unreasonable, its up to you how you dress and what to wear.

When I go out I wouldn't care if my girlfriend had makeup on or not, because its her choice whether to wear it or not. Same way I am not told what clothes are to be worn.

The similarity between makeup and tracksuits is not relevant, one is a personal thing and the other is having no concept of your attire.

I think he should get a Barbie, that way he can dress it up with makeup and clothes that suits him.

dazberry

Count Duckula wrote: »

Surely to God I'm not the only person here who thinks that the OP should not have what she wears dictated by someone else?

I would agree except for the fact that I don't think the OP is being dictated to. It's one of those things about relationships... you're not wearing that t-shirt again, wear a nice shirt, not the black jacket it makes you look to pale... etc... it's the flotsam and jetsam.

D.

LegacyUser

Count Duckula wrote: »

Surely to God I'm not the only person here who thinks that the OP should not have what she wears dictated by someone else? If her husband is complaining because she's not putting on makeup for him then he should cop on and realise it's because she doesn't want to. He's supposed to love this woman after all, and that includes respecting her wishes as to what she is and is not willing to do.

Alternatively, the OP should start demanding that the husband wear makeup too. Why should she do anything he won't?

Marriage is hard work. This poor man just wants to fancy his wife. Is that asking too much? Everyone should try to look good for their partner. It sounds like you have a comfortable life OP so why look dowdy? There are couples who don't even get to go out for dinner in the current climate, myself included.

Never forget that husbands can leave. The most unlikely people pick up and walk. So take the hint: if he's gently suggesting that you wear make up, then he's not happy with what he's looking at. Harsh but true. He wants to be proud of the woman he's out for dinner with. I'm actually still shocked that you even needed to ask this. If my husband had to ask me to put make up on I'd be mortified.

Jeez.... you've got a comfortable life, regular sex and dinners out and you resent putting on a bit of make up. You should try my marriage for awhile (no holidays, Aldi food and him barely bothered having sex) - thats an idea! Want to husband swap? ;-)

seenitall

NoFoundation wrote: »

When I do make the effort to wear lipstick when we go out to a restaurant he'll smile after the meal and say something like "thanks for dressing up tonight dear, and I'm sorry that the wine has caused your lipstick to wear off" ... as a hint that I need to refresh.

Oh boy, OP, that sounds quite off-putting, tbh... yuck. Maybe that's just me, but I'd be turned off quicker than boo if a man told me anything like that. Too involved with appearances, too anal, too "metro"... too something, anyway.

I don't have a solution other than what people have already suggested, I just wanted to let you know I can see where YOU're coming from, OP.

Best wishes.

Kevin Duffy

Betcha somewhere there are lots of women saying "married 20 years. I've stopped wearing makeup or dressing up for nights out and the fúcker hasn't even noticed".

There are men saying "I couldn't care less what she wears or looks like". Those men are married to women who say "all these years together and no matter how hard I try, he doesn't notice me".

OS119

i'm a big fan of being the person you are in a relationship, rather than trying to keep up a pretence for 40 years, but i'm afraid OP that you obviously have no concept of how crushing it can be when your partner - through their determination not to make the slightest effort to improve their appearance - makes it obvious that they couldn't give the faintest **** whether you find them attractive or not.

if your husband decided he wanted to work a two day week, reduce his earning power by 80%, grow a straggley beard and put on 12 stone would you think that he was 'just being himself' and support his decision, regardless of the impact on your lifestyle or feelings towards him, or do you think that he was being frighteningly irresponsible with some of the fundamentals of your relationship?

him fancying you, and, more importantly, you making out that you care whether he fancies you, is a fundamental building block of your relationship. maintain your foundations, or otherwise you may find yourself in competition with a younger, slimmer version who cares, or at least makes the effort to plausably pretend to care, about whether he fancies them.

Firetrap

I don't think your husband is being horrible or making any unreasonable demands. I get the impression, reading between the lines, that you're not all that fussed about your appearance. I'm not one for caking my face in make-up by any means but I'd never dream of going to work or outside the house without making some sort of an effort. I'm wondering how your skin looks without make-up and if it's making you look older/less attractive. Or how you dress when you do go out.

Walls

It seems to me to be about control and the perception of who has it and who doesn't. If you do decide to wear makeup, for whatever reason, you will be the one deciding to wear it or not, no one else. Your husband loves you no matter what you look like. You decide yes, and you decide no. You aren't 'giving in' if you do wear makeup.

Food for thought.

jimmycrackcorm

Count Duckula wrote: »

Surely to God I'm not the only person here who thinks that the OP should not have what she wears dictated by someone else? If her husband is complaining because she's not putting on makeup for him then he should cop on and realise it's because she doesn't want to. He's supposed to love this woman after all, and that includes respecting her wishes as to what she is and is not willing to do.

Alternatively, the OP should start demanding that the husband wear makeup too. Why should she do anything he won't?

What are the odds that she used to wear makeup before they got married?

Marriage requires making at least some effort to make your partner happy. Of course a persons wishes should be respected but that should be equally balanced by making some compromises that aren't a big deal at all.

I don't think the op is being unreasonable but I think she's missing out on improving her marriage at minimal cost and probably beneficial to herself too.

irishdude11

NoFoundation wrote: »

Why can't he accept me the way I am?

Ah, the classic line from women who can't be bothered to make themselves look attractive for their partners. In this case it's to do with makeup although usually it's from women who have really let themselves go weight-wise and are just not bothered about their partners feelings...because they know the bf/husband is not going anywhere. And most of the time they are right but I have seen it on more than one occasion where the man has walked. When I think of the women I know of who have uttered that line in the past...you are not in good company there OP...I can say I can't blame any of the men that walked and I had sympathy for the men that stuck it out.

It's pure selfishness not to make an effort, it looks like he makes a great effort giving you a nice lifestyle. The importance for him of you making an effort to look attractive is up their with the importance you place on him providing for you and the kids. He shouldn't even have to ask you to do this, just like you don't have to ask him to provide the comfortable lifestyle...he just does it.

flowerchild

I suppose it is worth thinking through what it means for you and how come you are reacting the way you are. Do you not like someone influencing you though low key comments? Does make-up have a particular meaning? Do you want him to find you attractive despite make-up?

Once you know what lies behind your reservations then it is easier to work out what is 'reasonable'.

temply

Dudess wrote: »

It's a turn-on when your partner is attracted to you - so making yourself look such a way that appeals to them is an ego boost for you too. My take on it anyway...

I'd have to agree, its nice to look and feel good, for yourself alone even

Esoteric_

I have to be honest, I think you're being selfish.

It's not like your husband expects you to cake yourself in make up every day, but almost every woman wears even a little make up when going out for dinner. I'm not a big make-up wearer, but if I'm going out somewhere then I'll definitely make the effort to put some on.

It's not about dictating to you or telling you how to dress/look and it sure as hell isn't about him not finding you attractive. If he didn't find you attractive without make up, I doubt your relationship would last as long as it has.

It's about wanting you to make some effort when you go out on a "date." that's not unreasonable at all. If he makes effort, why shouldn't you?

I have to be honest, I get that you don't want to wear make up, but surely you WANT to look well dressed and well put together when you go out, for yourself? Yeah you don't need make up, but reading through the lines it sounds as though you've let yourself go a little with regards to your appearance and without being harsh, I'm surprised that you are so offended by this issue. It's not unreasonable to not want to wear make up, but it's not unreasonable for him to want you to take some pride in your appearance.

Make up is great when used to highlight your natural assets, not hide flaws. And I bet your husband wants you to use a little to highlight your natural beauty rather than hide how you look.

Monkey61

NoFoundation wrote: »

When I do make the effort to wear lipstick when we go out to a restaurant he'll smile after the meal and say something like "thanks for dressing up tonight dear, and I'm sorry that the wine has caused your lipstick to wear off" ... as a hint that I need to refresh.

Wow...sorry but that sounds like a horrible comment to make. I understand the "making an effort" for your partner thing obviously, but there would be nothing more unattractive, for me anyway, than someone making me feel like my appearance wasn't good enough, telling me what to wear etc and then reminding me about it over dinner. I'm not saying this is the case with your husband OP, but it would make me feel like he was embarressed to be seen with me - especially if after putting on lipstick for his benefit, he was then reminding me to fix it after dinner.

I couldn't care less if my girlfriend was wearing a refuse sack to dinner. She is beautiful and confident anyway, and that comes across whether she is wearing torn jeans or dressed up. I'm so happy to be out anywhere, with her as my girlfriend, that while I would notice what she was wearing, I would never be thinking any further about it in the way the OP's husband seems to, as I would be too busy having a great time with her.

And just to add as well, I think I'd be worried if someone only fancied their wife/girlfriend when they were wearing make-up...

CDfm

The OP is lovely and sweet in all kinds of ways.

One thing I love about my relationship is that we do dress well and look after ourselves and its a shared interest we have. We routinely scour the sales.

I am surprised someone hasn't said the make up is a gateway request and before long he will want you buying lingerie etc

Its lovely to see a post like this and someone thinking about their relationship and the romance in it. I have a friend in his mid 60's and he and his wife are so good together its cool.

So dont over analyse -you cant turn the clock back but you can have fun and look good for each other.

I once heard a definition of love is putting the other person first and your OP really does that.

Good on you.:)

LegacyUser

I'm with you on this one OP. Sounds like you have a pushy husband. Don't feel like you have to wear make-up for anyone. Loads of women never wear make-up, it's no big deal.

I don't understand how some people compare this to massive weight gain. Do what you are happy doing OP. It's your face, not his. He is trying and succeeding in making you feel bad about yourself, but doing it in a passive way.

Take care OP

Neyite

Since you do own makeup, then I presume that you do wear it on occasion, or have worn it in the past - that its not like you never wore the stuff and he is trying to make you into something you never were.

But I get the feeling that you are resentful of his suggestions - most couples like to wear somthing 'good' when going out to dinner, most women like it if they buy something to wear and their partner is complimentary about it, or when you make the effort he notices. You seem to hate it, and resent it if he comments/compliments you. Its as if you go out of your way to present yourself in such a way that he wont compliment you or find you attractive.

By the way, with lipstick - either you wear it, and commit to reapplying it after food or dont wear it at all and play up your eyemakup instead. If you have colour around the edges and its wiped away from eating in the middle of your lips it will look crap. I can see why he tried to subtly remind you to reapply - I would consider it similar to telling you that you have some food stuck in your teeth or something.