Husband likes me wearing make-up

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Long-time poster going unreg.

I'm happily married to a man who loves me and is very kind, supportive & patient. We've been together nearly 20 years, he works hard to provide for me & the kids, ....nice house, cars, holidays (even in the current environment, though less frequently).

So my issue is a fairly trivial one: I don't like to wear any make-up, my husband says he likes it when I do.

Yes, it's that unimportant.

But at times he says he gets quite down if we go out somewhere and he thinks I've "made no effort" with my appearance.

He can be a bit critical of my clothes at times too, but only in the sense that he'll say "that colour really looks good on you" or "that outfit doesn't really suit you". I guess his judgement is not altogether wrong about things like that, but I find it annoying that he says anything at all about my appearance... good or bad!

He does try to be subtle about his comments/advice... he will say things like "that colour is really good on you, and you know a bit of lipstick / mascara would be a great addition". I know that he's pleased when I do wear even a bit of lipstick, which would be less than once a month at this stage, but I just find myself being annoyed every time he suggests it.

And.... in case it's relevant: We don't have sex as often as he'd like, but he never pressures or nags me, in fairness. We do have sex any time I suggest it! He's not the most stylish dresser himself, but always clean shaven, showered, and reasonably groomed.

Am I being unreasonable?

Faith

I think I kind of get where he's coming from. How would you feel if you went out for a fancy dinner and he wore the same tracksuit pants out that he'd been wearing all day? Of course it's entirely up to you whether you want to wear make-up or not, but I really don't understand why you don't when you know it pleases him so much. We all do things to please our partners that we wouldn't do if we were single. For instance, many of us women wear fancy, completely impractical underwear because our partners find it sexy. It's nice to make an effort once in a while. He probably doesn't enjoy shaving every day, but he still does it.

I think that there's a very, very easy solution here: Start wearing a bit of make-up. He'll be happy and you won't be getting annoyed. It's all about compromise here IMO.

fghijkl

If he only wants you to wear a bit of mascara or lipstick then yes you are being unreasonable. It takes 2 seconds to brush some mascara over your lashes or apply lipstick.

But at times he says he gets quite down if we go out somewhere and he thinks I've "made no effort" with my appearance.

Is this true? Do you actually bother dressing up in nice clothes when you go to dinner or whatever?
Could it be that you're letting yourself go, and he's subtly trying to tell you that?

I'm sure if he suddenly stopped shaving and grew a beard half way down his chest or pilled on 3 stone, you'd say something no?

I don't think the issue is about clothes or make up, it's about you not appearing bothered to make an effort to look nice for yourself or for him...that you're not making any effort to keep the spark alive in your marriage. Everyone wants to feel like their partner cares/loves/fancies them enough to still make an effort for them, that you're not just saying ah sure i have him now, i don't need to bother making an effort anymore.

missgroovy21

I agree!!! if u dont want to wear full make up and bit of lipstick and eye shadow would be sufficent......you dont have to wear foundation, mascara, eye liner the works if u dont want to but i find it makes me feel sexier when im dressed up hair and full make up on.....maybe try it once see what ya think?

Miss Fluff

I don't understand why making an effort for him is such an issue tbh, you should WANT to. Sounds like you're being pretty unreasonable....

Dudess

It's a turn-on when your partner is attracted to you - so making yourself look such a way that appeals to them is an ego boost for you too. My take on it anyway...

FortyPlusHubby

NoFoundation wrote: »

Yes, it's that unimportant.

But at times he says he gets quite down if we go out somewhere and he thinks I've "made no effort" with my appearance.

I understand where your husband is coming from with this. Indeed my own wife could have written your OP, if she was inclined to use a PC at all.

The issue may seem unimportant to you, but it clearly isn't unimportant to him. He sounds as though he's ticking all the boxes for "good husband" status, but it seems clear that you don't place much value on how he feels, or how much love / attention / comfort he has provided for you. I would hazard a guess (and this is very much based on my own experience) that he probably spends most of his life in a very male-oriented role (e.g. at work in a male-dominated profession) and he wants to experience the companionship of a feminine woman to balance what's missing in his life.

If you're nearly 20 years married then you're probably a woman in her forties, and that's a time in your life when your outwardly feminine appearance is changing... in effect becoming less "feminine" in the classical sense. With make-up, a woman can continue to look very feminine and attractive well into her later years, but without any make-up the face begins to show signs of ageing, possibly of hardness, etc.

Perhaps I'm not offering the advice you wanted to hear? Maybe I'm all wrong about this, but your post sounds as though you want to deny your femininity (as he sees it) and expect him to be silent about it? That does not seem like the behaviour of a wife who loves her husband. Even your description of his (providing house, cars, holidays) role in your life is quite mercenary. I expect he too feels this lack of love and it brings him down. An action speaks a thousand words,... so if you love him why not show him?

40pH

LegacyUser

Sorry but I'm shocked. You have a husband who still fancies you after 20yrs and you can't even be bothered to put on a bit of mascara when you go out for dinner? You should value what you have more.

And yes, he probably is dropping subtle hints. It's time for a makeover

liah

Does it bother you so much because you may feel that he likes you better with it than without on some level, and that makes you feel like he's not attracted to you, but 'you'?

If not, why do you think it annoys you?

LegacyUser

fghijkl wrote: »

If he only wants you to wear a bit of mascara or lipstick then yes you are being unreasonable. It takes 2 seconds to brush some mascara over your lashes or apply lipstick.

That's not true. Lipstick needs to be refreshed during the course of an evening, which I just find to be a pain in the ar*e.

I think a lot of the responses here are from younger women who lack the self-confidence to just be as they are, and like to dress up a bit tarty to get a man. I don't think at 42 that I should have to do that.

LegacyUser

liah wrote: »

Does it bother you so much because you may feel that he likes you better with it than without on some level, and that makes you feel like he's not attracted to you, but 'you'?

If not, why do you think it annoys you?

Yes Liah, that's part of it I guess. I think he should respect my wishes to not wear make-up.

When I do make the effort to wear lipstick when we go out to a restaurant he'll smile after the meal and say something like "thanks for dressing up tonight dear, and I'm sorry that the wine has caused your lipstick to wear off" ... as a hint that I need to refresh. It makes me feel under pressure to re-apply, and it makes me not want to bother at all even the once a month or so when I do.

Why can't he accept me the way I am?

LegacyUser

mascaraqueen wrote: »

Sorry but I'm shocked. You have a husband who still fancies you after 20yrs and you can't even be bothered to put on a bit of mascara when you go out for dinner? You should value what you have more.

But isn't that the point? Should he not value what he has, without wanting me to put on make-up?

Count Duckula

Surely to God I'm not the only person here who thinks that the OP should not have what she wears dictated by someone else? If her husband is complaining because she's not putting on makeup for him then he should cop on and realise it's because she doesn't want to. He's supposed to love this woman after all, and that includes respecting her wishes as to what she is and is not willing to do.

Alternatively, the OP should start demanding that the husband wear makeup too. Why should she do anything he won't?

I don't think he's dictating, I think he's carefully making suggestions.
It's nice to do things once in a while for the ones we love.
A little bit of effort for her appearance for a few hours in the evening once in a while wouldn't put her out too much and would be greatly appreciated I think

dublin daz

I don't know much about makeup apart from when I see someone wearing it.

I think its unreasonable, its up to you how you dress and what to wear.

When I go out I wouldn't care if my girlfriend had makeup on or not, because its her choice whether to wear it or not. Same way I am not told what clothes are to be worn.

The similarity between makeup and tracksuits is not relevant, one is a personal thing and the other is having no concept of your attire.

I think he should get a Barbie, that way he can dress it up with makeup and clothes that suits him.

dazberry

Count Duckula wrote: »

Surely to God I'm not the only person here who thinks that the OP should not have what she wears dictated by someone else?

I would agree except for the fact that I don't think the OP is being dictated to. It's one of those things about relationships... you're not wearing that t-shirt again, wear a nice shirt, not the black jacket it makes you look to pale... etc... it's the flotsam and jetsam.

D.

LegacyUser

Count Duckula wrote: »

Surely to God I'm not the only person here who thinks that the OP should not have what she wears dictated by someone else? If her husband is complaining because she's not putting on makeup for him then he should cop on and realise it's because she doesn't want to. He's supposed to love this woman after all, and that includes respecting her wishes as to what she is and is not willing to do.

Alternatively, the OP should start demanding that the husband wear makeup too. Why should she do anything he won't?

Marriage is hard work. This poor man just wants to fancy his wife. Is that asking too much? Everyone should try to look good for their partner. It sounds like you have a comfortable life OP so why look dowdy? There are couples who don't even get to go out for dinner in the current climate, myself included.

Never forget that husbands can leave. The most unlikely people pick up and walk. So take the hint: if he's gently suggesting that you wear make up, then he's not happy with what he's looking at. Harsh but true. He wants to be proud of the woman he's out for dinner with. I'm actually still shocked that you even needed to ask this. If my husband had to ask me to put make up on I'd be mortified.

Jeez.... you've got a comfortable life, regular sex and dinners out and you resent putting on a bit of make up. You should try my marriage for awhile (no holidays, Aldi food and him barely bothered having sex) - thats an idea! Want to husband swap? ;-)

seenitall

NoFoundation wrote: »

When I do make the effort to wear lipstick when we go out to a restaurant he'll smile after the meal and say something like "thanks for dressing up tonight dear, and I'm sorry that the wine has caused your lipstick to wear off" ... as a hint that I need to refresh.

Oh boy, OP, that sounds quite off-putting, tbh... yuck. Maybe that's just me, but I'd be turned off quicker than boo if a man told me anything like that. Too involved with appearances, too anal, too "metro"... too something, anyway.

I don't have a solution other than what people have already suggested, I just wanted to let you know I can see where YOU're coming from, OP.

Best wishes.

Kevin Duffy

Betcha somewhere there are lots of women saying "married 20 years. I've stopped wearing makeup or dressing up for nights out and the fúcker hasn't even noticed".

There are men saying "I couldn't care less what she wears or looks like". Those men are married to women who say "all these years together and no matter how hard I try, he doesn't notice me".

OS119

i'm a big fan of being the person you are in a relationship, rather than trying to keep up a pretence for 40 years, but i'm afraid OP that you obviously have no concept of how crushing it can be when your partner - through their determination not to make the slightest effort to improve their appearance - makes it obvious that they couldn't give the faintest **** whether you find them attractive or not.

if your husband decided he wanted to work a two day week, reduce his earning power by 80%, grow a straggley beard and put on 12 stone would you think that he was 'just being himself' and support his decision, regardless of the impact on your lifestyle or feelings towards him, or do you think that he was being frighteningly irresponsible with some of the fundamentals of your relationship?

him fancying you, and, more importantly, you making out that you care whether he fancies you, is a fundamental building block of your relationship. maintain your foundations, or otherwise you may find yourself in competition with a younger, slimmer version who cares, or at least makes the effort to plausably pretend to care, about whether he fancies them.

Firetrap

I don't think your husband is being horrible or making any unreasonable demands. I get the impression, reading between the lines, that you're not all that fussed about your appearance. I'm not one for caking my face in make-up by any means but I'd never dream of going to work or outside the house without making some sort of an effort. I'm wondering how your skin looks without make-up and if it's making you look older/less attractive. Or how you dress when you do go out.

Walls

It seems to me to be about control and the perception of who has it and who doesn't. If you do decide to wear makeup, for whatever reason, you will be the one deciding to wear it or not, no one else. Your husband loves you no matter what you look like. You decide yes, and you decide no. You aren't 'giving in' if you do wear makeup.

Food for thought.

jimmycrackcorm

Count Duckula wrote: »

Surely to God I'm not the only person here who thinks that the OP should not have what she wears dictated by someone else? If her husband is complaining because she's not putting on makeup for him then he should cop on and realise it's because she doesn't want to. He's supposed to love this woman after all, and that includes respecting her wishes as to what she is and is not willing to do.

Alternatively, the OP should start demanding that the husband wear makeup too. Why should she do anything he won't?

What are the odds that she used to wear makeup before they got married?

Marriage requires making at least some effort to make your partner happy. Of course a persons wishes should be respected but that should be equally balanced by making some compromises that aren't a big deal at all.

I don't think the op is being unreasonable but I think she's missing out on improving her marriage at minimal cost and probably beneficial to herself too.

irishdude11

NoFoundation wrote: »

Why can't he accept me the way I am?

Ah, the classic line from women who can't be bothered to make themselves look attractive for their partners. In this case it's to do with makeup although usually it's from women who have really let themselves go weight-wise and are just not bothered about their partners feelings...because they know the bf/husband is not going anywhere. And most of the time they are right but I have seen it on more than one occasion where the man has walked. When I think of the women I know of who have uttered that line in the past...you are not in good company there OP...I can say I can't blame any of the men that walked and I had sympathy for the men that stuck it out.

It's pure selfishness not to make an effort, it looks like he makes a great effort giving you a nice lifestyle. The importance for him of you making an effort to look attractive is up their with the importance you place on him providing for you and the kids. He shouldn't even have to ask you to do this, just like you don't have to ask him to provide the comfortable lifestyle...he just does it.

flowerchild

I suppose it is worth thinking through what it means for you and how come you are reacting the way you are. Do you not like someone influencing you though low key comments? Does make-up have a particular meaning? Do you want him to find you attractive despite make-up?

Once you know what lies behind your reservations then it is easier to work out what is 'reasonable'.

temply

Dudess wrote: »

It's a turn-on when your partner is attracted to you - so making yourself look such a way that appeals to them is an ego boost for you too. My take on it anyway...

I'd have to agree, its nice to look and feel good, for yourself alone even

Esoteric_

I have to be honest, I think you're being selfish.

It's not like your husband expects you to cake yourself in make up every day, but almost every woman wears even a little make up when going out for dinner. I'm not a big make-up wearer, but if I'm going out somewhere then I'll definitely make the effort to put some on.

It's not about dictating to you or telling you how to dress/look and it sure as hell isn't about him not finding you attractive. If he didn't find you attractive without make up, I doubt your relationship would last as long as it has.

It's about wanting you to make some effort when you go out on a "date." that's not unreasonable at all. If he makes effort, why shouldn't you?

I have to be honest, I get that you don't want to wear make up, but surely you WANT to look well dressed and well put together when you go out, for yourself? Yeah you don't need make up, but reading through the lines it sounds as though you've let yourself go a little with regards to your appearance and without being harsh, I'm surprised that you are so offended by this issue. It's not unreasonable to not want to wear make up, but it's not unreasonable for him to want you to take some pride in your appearance.

Make up is great when used to highlight your natural assets, not hide flaws. And I bet your husband wants you to use a little to highlight your natural beauty rather than hide how you look.

Monkey61

NoFoundation wrote: »

When I do make the effort to wear lipstick when we go out to a restaurant he'll smile after the meal and say something like "thanks for dressing up tonight dear, and I'm sorry that the wine has caused your lipstick to wear off" ... as a hint that I need to refresh.

Wow...sorry but that sounds like a horrible comment to make. I understand the "making an effort" for your partner thing obviously, but there would be nothing more unattractive, for me anyway, than someone making me feel like my appearance wasn't good enough, telling me what to wear etc and then reminding me about it over dinner. I'm not saying this is the case with your husband OP, but it would make me feel like he was embarressed to be seen with me - especially if after putting on lipstick for his benefit, he was then reminding me to fix it after dinner.

I couldn't care less if my girlfriend was wearing a refuse sack to dinner. She is beautiful and confident anyway, and that comes across whether she is wearing torn jeans or dressed up. I'm so happy to be out anywhere, with her as my girlfriend, that while I would notice what she was wearing, I would never be thinking any further about it in the way the OP's husband seems to, as I would be too busy having a great time with her.

And just to add as well, I think I'd be worried if someone only fancied their wife/girlfriend when they were wearing make-up...

CDfm

The OP is lovely and sweet in all kinds of ways.

One thing I love about my relationship is that we do dress well and look after ourselves and its a shared interest we have. We routinely scour the sales.

I am surprised someone hasn't said the make up is a gateway request and before long he will want you buying lingerie etc

Its lovely to see a post like this and someone thinking about their relationship and the romance in it. I have a friend in his mid 60's and he and his wife are so good together its cool.

So dont over analyse -you cant turn the clock back but you can have fun and look good for each other.

I once heard a definition of love is putting the other person first and your OP really does that.

Good on you.:)

LegacyUser

I'm with you on this one OP. Sounds like you have a pushy husband. Don't feel like you have to wear make-up for anyone. Loads of women never wear make-up, it's no big deal.

I don't understand how some people compare this to massive weight gain. Do what you are happy doing OP. It's your face, not his. He is trying and succeeding in making you feel bad about yourself, but doing it in a passive way.

Take care OP

Neyite

Since you do own makeup, then I presume that you do wear it on occasion, or have worn it in the past - that its not like you never wore the stuff and he is trying to make you into something you never were.

But I get the feeling that you are resentful of his suggestions - most couples like to wear somthing 'good' when going out to dinner, most women like it if they buy something to wear and their partner is complimentary about it, or when you make the effort he notices. You seem to hate it, and resent it if he comments/compliments you. Its as if you go out of your way to present yourself in such a way that he wont compliment you or find you attractive.

By the way, with lipstick - either you wear it, and commit to reapplying it after food or dont wear it at all and play up your eyemakup instead. If you have colour around the edges and its wiped away from eating in the middle of your lips it will look crap. I can see why he tried to subtly remind you to reapply - I would consider it similar to telling you that you have some food stuck in your teeth or something.

Dudess

Talk of the OP's husband being demanding - and a suggestion that he wear make-up himself - is not just disingenuous, it's nuts!
This isn't coercion into doing something horrific, it's make-up! He compromises all the time, it's only fair you reciprocate. All he's saying is: it makes you look your best, and that's something he enjoys seeing - to me, that's flattering!

Zen65

Count Duckula wrote: »

Surely to God I'm not the only person here who thinks that the OP should not have what she wears dictated by someone else? If her husband is complaining because she's not putting on makeup for him then he should cop on and realise it's because she doesn't want to. He's supposed to love this woman after all, and that includes respecting her wishes as to what she is and is not willing to do.

There could be some truth in this, except that

1. OP never suggested that her OH has tried to dictate what she wears
2. OP didn't use the term "complaining" about her husband's language
3. I think the concept of "respecting wishes" cuts both ways in this case

I do find it strange that the OH has expressed his preference about his wife wearing make-up for 20 years (OP didn't say explicitly for how long her OH has been saying this), and yet OP clearly finds this to be too much trouble. Her description of her husband as "very kind, supportive & patient" is very much at odds with her behaviour towards him. I get the impression also from OP's language that she sees him primarily as a provider for her and their children, rather than as a man in his own right. Perhaps he feels this too? Perhaps he feels the absence of any acknowledgement of his preferences is the proof that OP has lost interest in him (coupled by the fact that OP says they don't have sex when he wants, but whenever she wants it). I think that this is why he uses the term "low" to describe how he feels about her behaviour.

OP, I don't know exactly how to offer advice to you. You asked if you are being unreasonable, and I suspect that the fairest answer is "yes - you do seem to be acting out of laziness more than out of love for your OH".

Be at peace,

Z

Count Duckula

Dudess wrote: »

Talk of the OP's husband being demanding - and a suggestion that he wear make-up himself - is not just disingenuous, it's nuts!
This isn't coercion into doing something horrific, it's make-up! He compromises all the time, it's only fair you reciprocate. All he's saying is: it makes you look your best, and that's something he enjoys seeing - to me, that's flattering!

Maybe it's just my attitude towards make-up in general. By all means if a woman wants to wear it then she should, but when someone else suggests that she wear it what they're essentially saying is "you're not really attractive enough for me at the moment, can you please slather your face in make-up so I can actually bear to look at you?"

No one seems to be asking why the husband wants his wife to constantly be putting on make-up for his benefit. Does he not find her attractive otherwise? He wants her to artificially alter how she looks to please him.

I can certainly understand the OP's pain. Her husband appears to be implying he only finds her attractive when she's not actually herself.

S23

Count Duckula wrote: »

but when someone else suggests that she wear it what they're essentially saying is "you're not really attractive enough for me at the moment, can you please slather your face in make-up so I can actually bear to look at you?"

Absolute nonsense. Projecting that kind of rubbish onto a husbands request for his wife to make a minor effort in her apperance once in a while isn't helping anyone.

To be honest OP I'm not sure what you should do. It seems to me like you have a serious chip on your shoulder about this. It comes off as if you see his requests as an attempt to control you. From where I'm standing that's not the case but you seem deteremined to project that onto the situation.

I don't think he's being unreasonable asking that you make an effort once in a while when you go for an evening out. Then again I'm all for compromise.

I don't start with the 'you can't control me/tell me what to do' business because my relationship is a two way street and I'm able to communicate with my OH and take her feelings into account. I certainly wouldn't make a big deal out of something as minor as you are if I was put in the same position.

You know he likes it when you make an effort. So whats the big deal with doing it once in a while? You're going out of your way to make some kind of point that doesn't need making.

If you really find putting on makeup that traumatic/disturbing/abhorrent an experience that you never want to do it ever, ever again then sit down and have a conversation with your husband about it explaining the situation.

Count Duckula

Count Duckula wrote: »

Maybe it's just my attitude towards make-up in general. By all means if a woman wants to wear it then she should, but when someone else suggests that she wear it what they're essentially saying is "you're not really attractive enough for me at the moment, can you please slather your face in make-up so I can actually bear to look at you?"

No one seems to be asking why the husband wants his wife to constantly be putting on make-up for his benefit. Does he not find her attractive otherwise? He wants her to artificially alter how she looks to please him.

I can certainly understand the OP's pain. Her husband appears to be implying he only finds her attractive when she's not actually herself.

I think you're exaggerating/being a bit dramatic here duck, it was clear from the OP that it's when they're out for dinner, not "constantly". And there's no denying that makeup can enhance looks for lots of women.
We all alter how we look from day to day and the differences can be striking!
No, I think putting on some makeup for going out is reasonable enough.
There is no indication that he doesn't like looking at her or that he never finds her attractive - in fact:

We don't have sex as often as he'd like

Count Duckula

Yeh, I have pretty strong feelings on the subject of make-up, so I'm probably not the best one to be giving advice!

/bowing out

Dudess

Count Duckula wrote: »

Maybe it's just my attitude towards make-up in general. By all means if a woman wants to wear it then she should, but when someone else suggests that she wear it what they're essentially saying is "you're not really attractive enough for me at the moment, can you please slather your face in make-up so I can actually bear to look at you?"

No one seems to be asking why the husband wants his wife to constantly be putting on make-up for his benefit. Does he not find her attractive otherwise? He wants her to artificially alter how she looks to please him.

I can certainly understand the OP's pain. Her husband appears to be implying he only finds her attractive when she's not actually herself.

I'd see it more as a case of him finding her attractive anyway (he clearly loves her) but getting a kick out of her making herself look even more attractive. If a guy says to his partner he'd love to see her in sexy underwear, that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't think she's sexy anyway, it usually means he just loves the idea of her being even sexier. It's a huge turn-on when your partner finds you highly desirable.

kylith

I'm with the OP. I don't wear makeup either, because I don't what to. I can think of much better ways to spend my time and money on than smearing myself with grease. I cannot believe the amount of people lambasting her for not wanting to wear makeup. Would you be the same if her husband wanted her to wear an item of clothing she was uncomfortable in?

And don't listen to any of this rubbish about 'not making an effort'. Making an effort is more about grooming and deportment than make up.

Think about why you don't wear makeup, if you don't wear it but you want to then do. If you don't want to that is perfectly valid too.

Talk to your husband and give him your reasons for not wearing makeup, remind him that it's your choice to make, and tell him that if he has a problem with it that's his problems.

Zen65

Count Duckula wrote: »

He wants her to artificially alter how she looks to please him.

Hmm, but that's what men do when they shave, isn't it?

The very act of wearing clothes is artificially altering how we look, yet in most societies it is a criminal offence to walk around naked.

I think that OP's husband is guilty only of being upfront about what turns him on, which any relationship therapist will tell you is a good thing to do.


Be at peace,

Z

Dudess

This wouldn't require going the whole hog either - a few coats of mascara can make a huge difference.

Speaking as someone who would only very rarely wear makeup, I sympathise with you OP. You are NOT being unreasonable.

You are however being stubborn. This subject is clearly the source of a lot of tension in your marriage, tension can lead to unhappiness and unhappiness can lead to marital break down. Even a subject as seemingly trivial as wearing make up can contribute to a cascade of issues, frustration and discord within the marriage. So clearly it's not going to be helpful to stick to your current tactic of refusal.

I think if I was in your position, the thing that would bother me the most when wearing make up would be feeling like he had won, like I was conceding that he could make me look how he wanted. That I was accepting that I wasn't good enough as I am. Maybe you could compromise by sitting down with him, explaining that the makeup thing bothers you, and that you're willing to make an effort in your own time, your own way, and he must not say anything about your appearance. Set a time, maybe 2 months or so, and over that time make a small effort (bit of foundation or mascara, some coloured lip balm rather than lipstick). Tell him he must promise not to mention your appearance and you'll try to keep it up (as much as your comfortable with). After a while sit down with him again and let him know how you've felt about the set time period, what you've thought of having to make more effort.

There's a definite difference between doing things for your partner (dressing up etc.) and being told by your partner to do something for them. I wouldn't be happy with it either, but I think that for the sake of 20 years of marriage you might as well humour him.

LegacyUser

Count Duckula wrote: »

By all means if a woman wants to wear it then she should, but when someone else suggests that she wear it what they're essentially saying is "you're not really attractive enough for me at the moment, can you please slather your face in make-up so I can actually bear to look at you?"

Wow Count Duckula, I think that's a bit of an extreme interpretation.

In fairness to my husband, he is never cruel or demanding about my appearance. My point is simply that he has a preference for seeing me in make-up, and I prefer not to wear it except for very occasionally, which is probably only a few times a year.

I think that us both being 42 may have something to do with why my husband mentions it. I think I've aged gracefully, though I have of course put on some weight and I have a few more wrinkles.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

You seem to hate it, and resent it if he comments/compliments you. Its as if you go out of your way to present yourself in such a way that he wont compliment you or find you attractive.

Yes, I want him to be happy with me as I am and not to comment or compliment me when I wear a bit of make-up.

CDfm

OP - my OH chopped up some underwear of mine she didn't like. We talk about clothes and shop together.

42 is too young for either of you guys to be dowdy.

I am fairly shameless and not a bit vain but when she got a free Origans facial in Boots and was not going to use it - I perched on the seat and got the works.

Anyway, as people get older we take entrenched positions and you may need to be a bit more open minded. He may need to be too.

mood

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

What are the odds that she used to wear makeup before they got married?

Marriage requires making at least some effort to make your partner happy. Of course a persons wishes should be respected but that should be equally balanced by making some compromises that aren't a big deal at all.

I don't think the op is being unreasonable but I think she's missing out on improving her marriage at minimal cost and probably beneficial to herself too.

+1

Ickle Magoo

mood, could you post with constructive advice or not at all please. The thanks function is there to prevent posts that add nothing bar a +1.

Many thanks

mood

Ok. I don't think it is unreasonable for the OP to make an effort with her appearance for her husband just like I wouldn't think it unreasonable for him to make an effort for her. They are both still young and to keep the relationship alive does take some effort.

Stheno

NoFoundation wrote: »

That's not true. Lipstick needs to be refreshed during the course of an evening, which I just find to be a pain in the ar*e.

I think a lot of the responses here are from younger women who lack the self-confidence to just be as they are, and like to dress up a bit tarty to get a man. I don't think at 42 that I should have to do that.

I'm 37, my OH is 48.

I work in a role which requires me to present myself well, and I use makeup everyday in work to enhance my appearance, and my OH compliments me pretty much every morning when I head off to work on my appearance which I enjoy

In evenings after work I clean off my makeup and we often head out to somewhere casual to eat.

At the weekends I almost never wear makeup, we head out and do our thing and if we meet people he knows and I am sans makeup that's fine.

However if we are going out for any sort of a special occasion I will do my utmost to ensure that I look good with clothes, shoes, accessories and makeup, I want to look my best and have my oh feel proud that I look well. He tells me I am gorgeous with messy hair and no makeup first thing in the morning, but I want to look well for me and him when we go out.

I don't go overboard on makeup, I wear foundation, put on eyeshadow, mascara and lipstick, and that's it, but I enjoy how I look with it, and how my OH feels I look with it, it's fun.

I won't be stopping doing it when I hit forty either

I'd an ex I was with for 11 years who used pressurise me to wear makeup and I'd refuse out of sheer pigheadedness, and I sense you are doing the same.

I don't see anything wrong in wanting your partner to be someone whose appearance you are proud of and encouraging that. Just today we were doing some wardrobe pruning and both of us were honest about what we did and did not like in the others wardrobe, not especially nice to hear that your taste is not 100% spot on, but great to have a relationship where you can have that honesty without chaos.

tldr: wear the makeup

LegacyUser

Ah here OP, it's not like he is suggesting fundamental changes; I mean it sounds as though he is giving some fairly gentle hints - not asking you to get a boob job, or botox!! It doesn't sound as though he is trying to push you into trophy wife category either. Sometimes it is nice to make an effort - for yourself, but also out of respect for him. Sure, in an ideal world, everyone would be loved and valued just the way they are, but we're all human! And for you two to have got together in the first place it had to be down to physical attraction on some level!

Do you never just glance at him sometimes, and feel that tingle of being attracted to someone you love just looking really well? And be honest now, if he was scruffy and unshaven in his old DIY clothes, would you love him any less - I doubt it. But would you get that tingle - I doubt that too. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but if he went to lots of effort arranging dinner and got all scrubbed up for it, would you not be appreciative of that? Maybe he's just looking at it from that point of view, and wondering why you just don't seem interested enough to make a bit more of an effort.

I think you might be cutting off your nose to spite your face, in order to stick to some princple you have about this (unless I've mis-read the severity of what he says to you). I really think this one is very much worth compromising on.

fghijkl

That's not true. Lipstick needs to be refreshed during the course of an evening, which I just find to be a pain in the ar*e.

That really wasn't my point. If you don't want to wear lipstick then don't. You don't have to wear a full face of make up. But there are things you can do to accentuate your features, things that don't require refreshing i.e mascara or longlasting eyeliner, or blusher, or bronser, whatever.

I think a lot of the responses here are from younger women who lack the self-confidence to just be as they are, and like to dress up a bit tarty to get a man. I don't think at 42 that I should have to do that.

hmm i missed this...

OP with all due respect if you really believe that then why did you even start this thead? And i actually think that says a lot about your attitude to this, it sounds almost jealous tbh, you seem to think that your husband asking you to wear makeup is demeaning to you....That the only reason women wear makeup or dress nicely is for men?!

I'm 27, i don't dress 'tarty', in fact men do not even enter the equation when i'm picking clothes, i dress for me , i never wear foundation, i don't wear lipstick, all i wear day to day is mascara and eyeliner.
Going out i wear the above and some blush and eyeshadow. It takes me literally 3 mins in the morning, 5 mins if i'm going out. I'm not lacking self confidence because i wear makeup, the opposite in fact, i make an effort on my appearance because i have confidence and like to make an effort for me .

Equally it could be said that the reason some people don't like wearing makeup is because they lack self confidence and they don't want to draw attention to themselves, that they don't feel they're worth the effort of spending time on themselves and their appearance...Generalisations work both ways....

I don't think at 42 that I should have to do that

And that's your choice, but imho and it's just an opinion, it's a little selfish to not even want to compromise about something as trivial as wearing a tiny bit of make up, something that could literally take 3mins a few times a month, i'm sure your husband does things for you he doesn't particularly enjoy, but surely that's what being in a relationship is all about? compromise?

I want him to be happy with me as I am and not to comment or compliment me when I wear a bit of make-up.

Op you're married 20 years and happy and have a husband who sounds like he does everything he can for your family, you're a very lucky lady, there are a lot of women out there who would love to be in your position, myself included, he is happy with you as you are!!! Trust me if he wasn't you wouldn't have lasted 20 years. But i think you are making the issue into something it's not, you obviously have hangups about wearing makeup for whatever reason. It's not about makeup. It's about showing your partner that you care enough about them to still make an effort for them. I really don't understand why you're taking such offence at your husband on this, it seems like there are deeper issues at play here....