Pregnant and going to be single mum

LegacyUser

Hi all.

Im 31 years old and had been having a fwb type relationship with a friend for a good few years now. He is almost 37. Anyhow found out last monday im pregnant and told him. He immediately went for the abortion tact straight off. Anyhow, i said no, as were not kids, both in good heath and i wasnt raped. Anyhow today he texts me telling me "ul be on your own for the rest of your days if ya keep it" and "i want ****ing nothing to do with you, u trapped me and i should have known better. Did you ever think we'd be together, not a ****ing change". he then took me off facebook immediately. I never planned any of this, but now that it has happened i am quite happy to have a baby. i dont feel a baby should suffer for our mistake. Im gutted at the tone of his text and the way he has treated me. This man had been a friend and part of my life for the past 8 years. I never expected a relationship, but i did expect him to play his part. your views would be helpful for anyone who was in a similar situation. Also i am not here to be lectured on the use of contraceptions. thanks.

Ickle Magoo

Hi there OP,

It must be a big shock for you - just to let you know we also have a pregnancy forum within the parenting forum here. Could be a good source of support/info for you in the coming months.

All the best.

maz99

sorry i'm not in a similar situation but just wanted to say well done to you for getting this far. and what a pr**k he turned out to be. i'm sure it must be very unsettling for you but by sounds of it you've great inner strength so keep the chin up hun and be proud about how you've acted about all this.

All the best to you and baby x

S23

He's reacted very, very, very badly. Shock or no shock if he's 37 he should be able to keep himself in check and cool his jets until he can behave like an adult.

I know you say you aren't here for a lecture on contraception, and I'm not looking to do that, but I have a relevant question to ask on the subject. Did you always use some or did this happen due to contraception not working?

Also, if you didn't use contraception at some stage was he aware of it? Did he think you were on the pil when you weren't etc.. etc..

You say yourself this was a 'friends with benefits' relationship. So he signed up for no strings sex. Not a kid.

However, if he willingly had sex with you without protection, then he hasn't got a leg to stand on with his talk of being 'trapped' and so on.

metrovelvet

Do yourself a favour and have NOTHING to do with this man for the duration of your pregnancy.

The last thing you need is a hostile father on top of the loneliness and fear of an unplanned pregnancy on your own.

If he cant be supportive, then the least he can do is not be a nuisance or abusive.

Do not expect him to step up to the plate. Do not listen to people who will tell you he will change his mind when the baby is born. This is a crock and all too often doesnt happen.

Im sorry if I am sounding brutal, it is a brutal situation to be in but you have a gift on the way and pregnancy is a magical time, so protect it.

dublin daz

Congratulation first of all, and best wishes for the pregnancy.

You're better off without someone like that in your life to be honest.

I can't believe how he spoke to you, regardless of your relationship status. You are the mother of his child to be and you do not deserve to be treated like that.

There is nothing wrong with being a single mother in this day and age.

You'll be grand, just exclude this idiot and even if he calms down eventually, I think you'd be better off without someone like that in your life.

Also, that's not true about being alone for the rest of your life.

Not everyone shares his idiotic ideas.

Best of luck, mind yourself and here's to a happy and healthy pregnancy!

Beruthiel

Single mother to be wrote: »

This man had been a friend and part of my life for the past 8 years.

This happened to my sister. She knew the lad since they were 14. Best friends all the way through their teenage years. Started a relationship when she was 20. When she got pregnant, we never say him again.
The way my sister looked at it, he's the one missing out. And he surely is. If only he knew what a fantastic daughter he produced.

16 years on, my sister in now married to a wonderful man and my 16 year old niece is a little gem who was adopted by her step Dad. A very happy outcome for my sis who had a difficult early 20's.

It will be tough for you OP, but my belief is if you look at this in a positive way, life is about to get better for you.
Best of luck in your pregnancy, the joy your new baby will bring will outshine any crap that life may throw your way.

ennis81

First off what a grade A git:mad:
I am a single mammy, for the last 5 yrs since me and the ex split, although he is a wonderful daddy and not some immature tit like this chap.
You will be FINE my dear, being a parent is tough but also the most fufilling wonderful experience in the world, my little girl is nearly 9 and my best little friend, she makes me happy EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Don't ever have anything to do with him again hun, he just isn't worth it, you and the babby will be better off without him.
Congratulations, stay strong and look forward to the future, all the best XX

Permabear

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LegacyUser

Congrats OP.

Though I'm sure this must be a really scary time. I'm glad that you are feeling strong about this and sure about what you want.

Your man is really being cruel and cowardly, and you do not deserve to be spoken to like that. But what I will say, is that between the ages of 30 & 35, in my circle, there have been half a dozen 'accidental' pregnancies to women who never had a problem with contraception before but who's partners were showing no signs of wanting to settle down. I know this is not the case with you - you would have no reason to be dishonest on an anonymous forum, and accidents can happen very easily - but men in this age group are really paranoid, and he's bound to be especially paranoid considering that you allowed a non-committal relationship go on for so long - having a long term FB is having a relationship - just not a quality one.
I presume he trusted you with contraception and now feels betrayed. As he's too paranoid to believe you, the decent thing to do would be to give you the benefit of the doubt. His reaction is unforgivable. But remember he's not going to feel the physical connection to your pregnancy that you do. He may be worried about money, or wondering if having a kid is going to stop him attracting a future partner. That doesn't excuse his reaction - at all. But it is possible that over time he may think differently. Don't have any contact with him. This is stuff for him to work out himself.
I know you must be feeling horribly rejected right now, but maybe just for the next few weeks, try to distance yourself from the feelings of rejection (easy for me to say, I know), because his anger has far more to do with his own fears and feeling his life planned has been derailed than it does with you.
And stick to your guns. You sound like a strong girl and you're making the right decision for you. You're the one living with the consequences, so it's your decision - no one else's. Just remember: no contact.

metrovelvet

Permabear-

It can be as simple as 'you are on your own for the rest of your days'. Maintenance is easy enough to get out of, enforcement is lax and is often more like a voluntary contribution. Its not like the US at all in that regard.

But maintenance is only a very small portion of what that means.

And the reaction of anger may not be short lived. It can stick around for a long time.

Kevin Duffy

Single mother to be wrote: »

"ul be on your own for the rest of your days if ya keep it" .

What a lot of fúcking nonsense. Best of luck to you and your baby for the life you'll have without such a nasty waste of space as this man cluttering it up.
Can I also say I admire the values you applied to your decision. Obviously that's very subjective, but admiration all the same.

common sense brigade

Congratulation first of all, and best wishes for the pregnancy.

You're better off without someone like that in your life to be honest.

This x 1!
Your baby will be worth ten of him. stay strong. ignore the fecker. he is expecting you to trap him into marriage now no doubt in his small puny mind. Forget him he will be the one missing out on everything. also if his parents are nice people and family etc dont let them suffer if they want a relationship with the child . but as for him until he apologises big time just ignore him. once he ralises your not after anything from him he will prob calm down. but still he is a disgusting person and at 37 is a joke of a man.

Permabear

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dublin daz

There is no excuse for his initial reaction.

We can't go around using a state of shock as an excuse for outrageous behaviour.

He knew the consequences, time to face up in a level headed manner.

common sense brigade

he is 37 not 7. even if he does come around he has put a new mum under untold stress and worry and already let his unborn child down. He is what is classically know as a Scumbag. He is the type of man that deserves social services to be knocking on his door for every penny.

ash23

Hi OP. A similar thing happened with me and my daughters dad. He said a similar amount of stuff, although I was 19 at the time and he was 23. He pushed for abortion but I decided that I couldn't do that. I told him and said I'd give him space to deal with it and contact him a few weeks later. When I tried he had disappeared, changed his phone number, left his job. I never saw him again. It's coming up on 9 years since I got pregnant. My daughter is 8 and is a star.
I won't say it's easy. it isn't. But she's worth it.
I found that once the first year passed I grew more accepting of the fact that he was gone and that I would probably never see him again. That brought some resentment but years later I have no bad feelings towards him. Mostly I'm just amazed someone could have a child and not care or want to know. But mostly (and it sounds like a clichee) but I pity him.

He is missing out on this wonderful little gal and all the joy she brings to everyone who knows her. He passed on the chance to be loved by this child, to be the sun moon and stars to her. He passed on the chance to feel the absolute bursting pride she caused me. I love her from her toes up with every fibre of my being. And he's never so much as gotten a cuddle from her.


Your ex may or may not change his mind. But prepare for the fact that he won't. At least if he does change, it'll be plus.
Rally family and friends and just know that you can do this. Believe you me, if someone as irresponsible and stupid and lazy as me when I was 19, can raise a child, anyone can

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

Hi OP. A similar thing happened with me and my daughters dad. He said a similar amount of stuff, although I was 19 at the time and he was 23. He pushed for abortion but I decided that I couldn't do that. I told him and said I'd give him space to deal with it and contact him a few weeks later. When I tried he had disappeared, changed his phone number, left his job. I never saw him again. It's coming up on 9 years since I got pregnant. My daughter is 8 and is a star.
I won't say it's easy. it isn't. But she's worth it.
I found that once the first year passed I grew more accepting of the fact that he was gone and that I would probably never see him again. That brought some resentment but years later I have no bad feelings towards him. Mostly I'm just amazed someone could have a child and not care or want to know. But mostly (and it sounds like a clichee) but I pity him.

He is missing out on this wonderful little gal and all the joy she brings to everyone who knows her. He passed on the chance to be loved by this child, to be the sun moon and stars to her. He passed on the chance to feel the absolute bursting pride she caused me. I love her from her toes up with every fibre of my being. And he's never so much as gotten a cuddle from her.


Your ex may or may not change his mind. But prepare for the fact that he won't. At least if he does change, it'll be plus.
Rally family and friends and just know that you can do this. Believe you me, if someone as irresponsible and stupid and lazy as me when I was 19, can raise a child, anyone can

That brought a tear to my eye and Im not even premenstrual.:p What a beautiful way of putting it and so true too.

It does deserve pity because they dont know what they deprive themselves of, this person who exists because of you, ready to love you with openness and availablity and you turn your back on such a treasure.

S23

S23 wrote: »

I know you say you aren't here for a lecture on contraception, and I'm not looking to do that, but I have a relevant question to ask on the subject. Did you always use some or did this happen due to contraception not working?
.

Considering it's not 100% effective in ideal circumstances I don't think going down this line would be at all helpful She is pregnant and that's that.

OP it may be an initial reaction and he may calm down, but if he doesn't he is the one missing out.
I just wanted to say good luck

ash23

Lol, sorry to have turned you all into blubbering wrecks

I suppose for anyone who has parental love, they can't fathom how someone would be able to live without their child, without driving themselves demented wondering. But there are people out there who have no problems doing so.
So many people told me that my daughters dad would change his mind, would be in touch etc. I just wanted the OP to know that sometimes they mean what they say and it's possible that her ex will never want to be involved. But that she'll be fine if that is the case.

IrishEyes19

great words of support here, I must say, and OP, as you can see you're not alone in this. Its too early to tell now what will happen with the father, he may or may not decide in the future to participate in your child's upbringing, but regardless of that, he was out of order the way he spoke to you, and whatever happens, I'm positive from your thread here, that you're going to make a wonderful mother to this little baby and thats what matters. Best of luck with everything. And as other posters have said here, follow up on the child support too, regardless of whether he wants involvement or not. He has a duty to that little baby.

I am a friend

OP, he is an absolute toe-rag to have spoken to you like that and I would not pay any attention to his statement that you will be alone for life.

I steer well clear of FWB situations for this exact reason. People are ‘bumping uglies’ with someone who they don’t consider good enough to have a romantic relationship with but are happy to use to satisfy an itch and that itch scratching always involves the risk that a pregnancy may result from the ‘bit of fun’. This is an extreme example of where the serious implications of having sex with someone comes home to roost… You lie down with dogs, so don’t expect them to act as anything other than a dog…..

Best of luck OP and as others have said there is nothing to be gained from trying to talk him round but I would be, on principal, be hunting him down for maintenance payments when the time comes. It’s a lesson to all…..

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

Lol, sorry to have turned you all into blubbering wrecks

I suppose for anyone who has parental love, they can't fathom how someone would be able to live without their child, without driving themselves demented wondering. But there are people out there who have no problems doing so.
So many people told me that my daughters dad would change his mind, would be in touch etc. I just wanted the OP to know that sometimes they mean what they say and it's possible that her ex will never want to be involved. But that she'll be fine if that is the case.

Some, a rare sociopathic few have no problems doing this, but my suspicion is other numb themselves, or they are too guilty to face that guilty and live in denial. People are complicated.... but its something I have tried to make imaginitve leaps into...having a child you created out there somewhere who exists because of you and you are prepared to die wondering what the child looks like, feels like, smells like...the sound of its giggle..and I seriously cannot make the leap. Maybe after a certain amount of years its too late, or they think it is and dont know how to broach a way back in...

But these things have snowball effects too and the choices he makes NOW will be the building blocks for the future and there are certain things that cannot be undone.

Kevin Duffy

ash23 wrote: »

Hi OP. A similar thing happened with me and my daughters dad. He said a similar amount of stuff, although I was 19 at the time and he was 23. He pushed for abortion but I decided that I couldn't do that. I told him and said I'd give him space to deal with it and contact him a few weeks later. When I tried he had disappeared, changed his phone number, left his job. I never saw him again. It's coming up on 9 years since I got pregnant. My daughter is 8 and is a star.
I won't say it's easy. it isn't. But she's worth it.
I found that once the first year passed I grew more accepting of the fact that he was gone and that I would probably never see him again. That brought some resentment but years later I have no bad feelings towards him. Mostly I'm just amazed someone could have a child and not care or want to know. But mostly (and it sounds like a clichee) but I pity him.

He is missing out on this wonderful little gal and all the joy she brings to everyone who knows her. He passed on the chance to be loved by this child, to be the sun moon and stars to her. He passed on the chance to feel the absolute bursting pride she caused me. I love her from her toes up with every fibre of my being. And he's never so much as gotten a cuddle from her.


Your ex may or may not change his mind. But prepare for the fact that he won't. At least if he does change, it'll be plus.
Rally family and friends and just know that you can do this. Believe you me, if someone as irresponsible and stupid and lazy as me when I was 19, can raise a child, anyone can

sniff....oh look at that, turns out I am a big softie after all...

HugoDrax

Single mother to be wrote: »

Hi all.

Im 31 years old and had been having a fwb type relationship with a friend for a good few years now. He is almost 37. Anyhow found out last monday im pregnant and told him. He immediately went for the abortion tact straight off. Anyhow, i said no, as were not kids, both in good heath and i wasnt raped. Anyhow today he texts me telling me "ul be on your own for the rest of your days if ya keep it" and "i want ****ing nothing to do with you, u trapped me and i should have known better. Did you ever think we'd be together, not a ****ing change". he then took me off facebook immediately. I never planned any of this, but now that it has happened i am quite happy to have a baby. i dont feel a baby should suffer for our mistake. Im gutted at the tone of his text and the way he has treated me. This man had been a friend and part of my life for the past 8 years. I never expected a relationship, but i did expect him to play his part. your views would be helpful for anyone who was in a similar situation. Also i am not here to be lectured on the use of contraceptions. thanks.

This piece of filth is not a human being. He is a coward and a scumbag and you should take him to court to make him provide for your child.

He's lucky he doesn't live in parts of Italy where male relatives of a pregnant woman would still 'make him an offer he can't refuse.'

At the end of the day it's his child and he has a debt of honor as a man to provide for his own flesh and blood. Not to mention a legal obligation.

He's scum so take him to the cleaners.

Moomoo1

the famous words of Julius Caesar about friends and enemies come to mind... I really feel for you OP.

ABajaninCork

I wish you lots of luck with your pregnancy and beyond. I hope the baby is born healthy and has a long and happy life.

And I hope the scumbag baby daddy never gets sick and has to ask your child to pass him a cup of water...

Partizan

ash23 wrote: »

Hi OP. A similar thing happened with me and my daughters dad. He said a similar amount of stuff, although I was 19 at the time and he was 23. He pushed for abortion but I decided that I couldn't do that. I told him and said I'd give him space to deal with it and contact him a few weeks later. When I tried he had disappeared, changed his phone number, left his job. I never saw him again. It's coming up on 9 years since I got pregnant. My daughter is 8 and is a star.
I won't say it's easy. it isn't. But she's worth it.
I found that once the first year passed I grew more accepting of the fact that he was gone and that I would probably never see him again. That brought some resentment but years later I have no bad feelings towards him. Mostly I'm just amazed someone could have a child and not care or want to know. But mostly (and it sounds like a clichee) but I pity him.

He is missing out on this wonderful little gal and all the joy she brings to everyone who knows her. He passed on the chance to be loved by this child, to be the sun moon and stars to her. He passed on the chance to feel the absolute bursting pride she caused me. I love her from her toes up with every fibre of my being. And he's never so much as gotten a cuddle from her.


Your ex may or may not change his mind. But prepare for the fact that he won't. At least if he does change, it'll be plus.
Rally family and friends and just know that you can do this. Believe you me, if someone as irresponsible and stupid and lazy as me when I was 19, can raise a child, anyone can

I'm as masculine and manly as they come....33, no wifey, no kids, out with the lads at the weekend but by Jaysus, that post really touched me. I'm welling up. :pac:

missgroovy21

hes a prick!!! and should not have said those things to you thats completely unfair and he obv has no respect for you....with saying that he could be freaking out whether you're together or not doesnt change the fact that hes still your baby's father and he'll never forget that.....

you sound like a strong well grounded woman....you'll be fine!!!!

LegacyUser

Christ, looks like the high horse brigade has ridden quite quickly here.

OP, you were a fúck buddy and nothing more. Both of you knew the story, there wasn't a relationship and there definitely wasn't an intention to have any children. It was never discussed, you never asked his feelings on the possibility etc.

Therefore, you cannot hate him when he walks away from the situation you are putting him into. He has expressed his wishes, he does not want the child, he would support an abortion and should you choose to not do so, he wants nothing to do with you or the child and that is absolutely fair, because you are the one making the decision here, so you may live alone with the consequences.

I'm astonished by this "he needs to grow up and face his responsibilities" hogwash. He was in this for casual sex and casual sex would lead one to believe that neither party is intending on having a relationship with the other, nevermind children. YOU CANNOT FORCE PEOPLE INTO PARENTHOOD and it's a damn pity more men don't just pack up and walk when women put them in these situations.

You have made your decision, now leave the man alone. Do not contact him again. He does not want you in his life, he does not want what may end up being a child in his life, leave him alone. You've made the call here, don't go looking for maintenance or emotional support here as even though you may legally have a right to (for the former), you certainly have no moral right.

Judging by your post, it's obvious you have feelings for the man that he never reciprocated and the fact that it came as such as surprise to him may indicate that you had lead him to believe there was sufficient contraception in place. Therefore, I wouldn't be surprised if this pregnancy wasn't as accidental as you're trying to make it out to be. I'd be more convinced that this is a case of you trying to trap this man into your life, having him react in a way that you hadn't planned for and are now panicking, than it being the result of two people being unemotionally attached fúck buddies.

As I said, leave him alone and do your own thing. You've no right to intrude in his life any further, he has made his stance on the matter clear.

ABajaninCork

OverReactionoftheyear:

You forget. Yes, they were **** buddies. So what?

If your man was so keen NOT to have children, then he should've ridden with a saddle. It's not entirely the OP's fault the saddle slipped off - it takes two after all. He should have taken care of business.

If you ride bareback, then you have to face the consequences. It's as simple as that.

It seems he doesn't want anything to do with the child. Fair enough, his loss. But he needs to man up and pay maintenance for the child.

Moomoo1

OverReactionsOfTheYear wrote: »

Christ, looks like the high horse brigade has ridden quite quickly here.

OP, you were a fúck buddy and nothing more. Both of you knew the story, there wasn't a relationship and there definitely wasn't an intention to have any children. It was never discussed, you never asked his feelings on the possibility etc.

Therefore, you cannot hate him when he walks away from the situation you are putting him into. He has expressed his wishes, he does not want the child, he would support an abortion and should you choose to not do so, he wants nothing to do with you or the child and that is absolutely fair, because you are the one making the decision here, so you may live alone with the consequences.

I'm astonished by this "he needs to grow up and face his responsibilities" hogwash. He was in this for casual sex and casual sex would lead one to believe that neither party is intending on having a relationship with the other, nevermind children. YOU CANNOT FORCE PEOPLE INTO PARENTHOOD and it's a damn pity more men don't just pack up and walk when women put them in these situations.

You have made your decision, now leave the man alone. Do not contact him again. He does not want you in his life, he does not want what may end up being a child in his life, leave him alone. You've made the call here, don't go looking for maintenance or emotional support here as even though you may legally have a right to (for the former), you certainly have no moral right.

Judging by your post, it's obvious you have feelings for the man that he never reciprocated and the fact that it came as such as surprise to him may indicate that you had lead him to believe there was sufficient contraception in place. Therefore, I wouldn't be surprised if this pregnancy wasn't as accidental as you're trying to make it out to be. I'd be more convinced that this is a case of you trying to trap this man into your life, having him react in a way that you hadn't planned for and are now panicking, than it being the result of two people being unemotionally attached fúck buddies.

As I said, leave him alone and do your own thing. You've no right to intrude in his life any further, he has made his stance on the matter clear.

you are making so many assumptions there it's unreal. You are not the OP's soulmate, so you can't possibly pretend to know her intentions as well as you say you do.

the child's father has every right to play no part in the child's life. What he doesn't have a right to do is to be a bitch about what happened. Which is what he is being.

OverReactionsOfTheYear

OverReactionsOfTheYear wrote: »

Judging by your post, it's obvious you have feelings for the man that he never reciprocated and the fact that it came as such as surprise to him may indicate that you had lead him to believe there was sufficient contraception in place. Therefore, I wouldn't be surprised if this pregnancy wasn't as accidental as you're trying to make it out to be. I'd be more convinced that this is a case of you trying to trap this man into your life, having him react in a way that you hadn't planned for and are now panicking, than it being the result of two people being unemotionally attached fúck buddies.

As I said, leave him alone and do your own thing. You've no right to intrude in his life any further, he has made his stance on the matter clear.

Holy sh!t, this post is insane.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, Have been very busy last fews day so only got logging on today. Thank you all so much for all your lovely comments and support. I have since broke the news to my family, and they are all as delighted as i am. I also had an early pregnancy scan yesterday only to reveal a wee 8 week old heartbeat :-)

I guess i should have clarified the contraception for those that doubt me. I was never on the pill and certainly never pretended to be. He has known from that from day one. I know thats silly, and more so on my part, i always left it up TO HIM to pull out and it worked for the best part of 7-8 years. But i have got caught out, and thankfully now that i have gotten over the shock, i now consider that to be a "good accident".

Ash 23, i was just balling crying reading your post and i really think that was the moment i really felt like i could do this by myself. You are a wonderful woman, mother and an inspiration to all. Your daughter is blessed with you.

Once again thank you for all your kind words and support.

OP

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Dudess

OverReactionsOfTheYear wrote: »

Christ, looks like the high horse brigade has ridden quite quickly here.

Could you explain how people who think the guy behaved like an ass are "the high horse brigade"? Shock from him, yes, that is completely understandable and acceptable, but being abusive and acting like a kid at 37 (even look at his text ffs) isn't. And your accusations are abysmal - based on what? You "thinking" they might be true? I could say I "think" you're the father of a child you've chosen to have nothing to do with, going by how defensive your post is. But I don't know from adam whether you are or not. No solid indication the OP has feelings for him either - don't know where you got the notion that was "obvious".

OP, same thing happened to my friend - when she told the dad, he was an absolute prick about it and that was nine and a half years ago, not a peep from him since. But she has made it through to the other side fantastically, and has a gorgeous son and a long-term partner with whom she went on to have another little boy. It was hard for her, but her fantastic support network made things infinitely easier. It turned out he was no loss at all, but no excuse for him being a dickhead about the pregnancy - his words stung for a long time after. She didn't expect him to be involved in his child's life, but he could have done her the courtesy of not being a pig to her - and he was 30-something too, a grown man.
I can't understand how men that feel there's a risk of being duped by a woman, who says she's on the pill but isn't, don't therefore insist on condoms

This "tricking" thing - I've no doubt it happens, but a lot of the time it's used as a get-out clause by those men (and some women who buy into it too) who aren't willing to accept that contraception isn't 100% effective.

IrishEyes19

OverReactionsOfTheYear wrote: »

Christ, looks like the high horse brigade has ridden quite quickly here.

OP, you were a fúck buddy and nothing more. Both of you knew the story, there wasn't a relationship and there definitely wasn't an intention to have any children. It was never discussed, you never asked his feelings on the possibility etc.

Therefore, you cannot hate him when he walks away from the situation you are putting him into. He has expressed his wishes, he does not want the child, he would support an abortion and should you choose to not do so, he wants nothing to do with you or the child and that is absolutely fair, because you are the one making the decision here, so you may live alone with the consequences.

I'm astonished by this "he needs to grow up and face his responsibilities" hogwash. He was in this for casual sex and casual sex would lead one to believe that neither party is intending on having a relationship with the other, nevermind children. YOU CANNOT FORCE PEOPLE INTO PARENTHOOD and it's a damn pity more men don't just pack up and walk when women put them in these situations.

You have made your decision, now leave the man alone. Do not contact him again. He does not want you in his life, he does not want what may end up being a child in his life, leave him alone. You've made the call here, don't go looking for maintenance or emotional support here as even though you may legally have a right to (for the former), you certainly have no moral right.

Judging by your post, it's obvious you have feelings for the man that he never reciprocated and the fact that it came as such as surprise to him may indicate that you had lead him to believe there was sufficient contraception in place. Therefore, I wouldn't be surprised if this pregnancy wasn't as accidental as you're trying to make it out to be. I'd be more convinced that this is a case of you trying to trap this man into your life, having him react in a way that you hadn't planned for and are now panicking, than it being the result of two people being unemotionally attached fúck buddies.

As I said, leave him alone and do your own thing. You've no right to intrude in his life any further, he has made his stance on the matter clear.

First off all, leave whatever happened between the OP and this man out of it. A child has been created, regardless. end off. furthermore, theres no high brigade here against men, if it were a mother abanding their child, it would be the absolute same story. Nobody here is looking for a who's the best gender arguement here.

Second, if it was a mere f.buddy situation which stated here in the thread, it wasnt. then the man should wear a condom, simple as. too many factors can mess up the pill. theres evidence of that.

so get of your "free man" horse there and try and write something more grown up. regardless of how irresponsible YOU think the OP was, a baby is in the equation here, and he/she deserves the best possible life. Even if idiots like yourself refuse to take reponsibility for situations like this. Well guess what, the DNA test will confirm he is that babys father, and nothing will ever change that. But to actually write here that the OP deserves no help and that the father is exempt from contributing is an absolute scandal. take responsibility for your own actions should the message here and it takes two to tango. So man up and stop stressing the OP out further. Goodness knows she has enough already.

@OP, Wishing you all the best and to take the other good advice here. You're not on your own in this.

IrishEyes19

Pregnant and going to be a single mum wrote: »

Hi everyone, Have been very busy last fews day so only got logging on today. Thank you all so much for all your lovely comments and support. I have since broke the news to my family, and they are all as delighted as i am. I also had an early pregnancy scan yesterday only to reveal a wee 8 week old heartbeat :-)

I guess i should have clarified the contraception for those that doubt me. I was never on the pill and certainly never pretended to be. He has known from that from day one. I know thats silly, and more so on my part, i always left it up TO HIM to pull out and it worked for the best part of 7-8 years. But i have got caught out, and thankfully now that i have gotten over the shock, i now consider that to be a "good accident".

Ash 23, i was just balling crying reading your post and i really think that was the moment i really felt like i could do this by myself. You are a wonderful woman, mother and an inspiration to all. Your daughter is blessed with you.

Once again thank you for all your kind words and support.

OP

Delighted for you, OP. As scary as this is, you're going to bring a bundle of joy into your family in nine months time and have a new little person who's going to love you and vica versa for eternity. A lot of scary scenarios often become blessings in disguises, OP. Wishing you all the best and take care

ash23

Hey OP. Glad to hear your family are happy for you and you are feeling happier about your decision.

Overreactionoftheyear...hmm, won't even go into detail about the post. Particularly the lovely ironic bit about the OP having no moral right to claim maintainance for the child. No mention of the fathers moral obligation?

The fact of the matter is there is a pregnancy. This is no longer about the OP and the "father" (using that term oh so loosely!). This pregnancy will result in a baby. That baby will grow up. That is what this is about. It's not "just" an unplanned pregnancy. It's a person.

And yes, while the father may feel it's unfair that he doesn't have a say NOW, he must also cop on and realise that the choices he did have, he made. he didn't have to have sex with OP. He chose to. He could have used a condom. He chose not to. He chose to have sex and not take proper precautions. Those were choices HE made and the result will be a child.
And every child deserves to know who s/he is and to have two parents there for support and love.
No, it's not always possible and those who don't have that do ok too. But where it is possible (and I'm not talking about people who are too selfish to be parents - thats not a good enough excuse) then that is the way it should be.

And any man who has sex with a woman who is of childbearing age and who doesn't put a condom on, is making the choice that a pregnancy may happen. If I had a son, THAT is what I would be teaching him. Not that it's ok to walk away from an innocent child because it doesn't suit him. Jeeze, what sort of lessons are young boys being taught?
:rolleyes:

Emme

OverReactionsOfTheYear wrote: »

Christ, looks like the high horse brigade has ridden quite quickly here.

OP, you were a fúck buddy and nothing more. Both of you knew the story, there wasn't a relationship and there definitely wasn't an intention to have any children. It was never discussed, you never asked his feelings on the possibility etc.

Therefore, you cannot hate him when he walks away from the situation you are putting him into. He has expressed his wishes, he does not want the child, he would support an abortion and should you choose to not do so, he wants nothing to do with you or the child and that is absolutely fair, because you are the one making the decision here, so you may live alone with the consequences.

I'm astonished by this "he needs to grow up and face his responsibilities" hogwash. He was in this for casual sex and casual sex would lead one to believe that neither party is intending on having a relationship with the other, nevermind children. YOU CANNOT FORCE PEOPLE INTO PARENTHOOD and it's a damn pity more men don't just pack up and walk when women put them in these situations.

You have made your decision, now leave the man alone. Do not contact him again. He does not want you in his life, he does not want what may end up being a child in his life, leave him alone. You've made the call here, don't go looking for maintenance or emotional support here as even though you may legally have a right to (for the former), you certainly have no moral right.

Judging by your post, it's obvious you have feelings for the man that he never reciprocated and the fact that it came as such as surprise to him may indicate that you had lead him to believe there was sufficient contraception in place. Therefore, I wouldn't be surprised if this pregnancy wasn't as accidental as you're trying to make it out to be. I'd be more convinced that this is a case of you trying to trap this man into your life, having him react in a way that you hadn't planned for and are now panicking, than it being the result of two people being unemotionally attached fúck buddies.

As I said, leave him alone and do your own thing. You've no right to intrude in his life any further, he has made his stance on the matter clear.

OverReactionsOfTheYear, did anybody tell you about the birds and the bees? When two people have sex it can lead to pregnancy! That's how the human race propagates itself! :rolleyes: Even when people use contraception it may not be foolproof. Both the Pill and condoms have a failure rate.

OP, congratulations on the pregnancy even though it wasn't planned. Sorry that your former friend wasn't supportive, but it's his loss. I hope that you can find lots of support from friends etc. and good luck with the little one.

I am a friend

OverReactionsOfTheYear wrote: »

you cannot hate him when he walks away from the situation you are putting him into. He has expressed his wishes, he does not want the child, he would support an abortion and should you choose to not do so, he wants nothing to do with you or the child and that is absolutely fair, because you are the one making the decision here, so you may live alone with the consequences.

And the tax payer (no offense OP) will be left to pay for his sex life....

ash23

I am a friend wrote: »

And the tax payer (no offense OP) will be left to pay for his sex life....

Single parents can work you know :rolleyes:

Over 50% of single parents do not claim welfare.

I am a friend

ash23 wrote: »

Single parents can work you know :rolleyes:

Over 50% of single parents do not claim welfare.

Ah I know well but he still should not be allowed off scot free... There some be some method of collecting child maintenance.

Emme

I am a friend wrote: »

And the tax payer (no offense OP) will be left to pay for his sex life....

That's really offensive to single parents. A good few of them work but some don't because of the hassle of arranging childcare and cost of same when there's nobody else around.

ennis81

Listen "Over Reactions of the year" If a man doesn't want to get a woman pregnant he should put something on the end of it as Jeremy Kyle would say.
I am sick to death of men coming out with this complete clap trap of women trapping them.
If a man is having casual sex HE SHOULD WEAR A CONDOM AND PROTECT HIMSELF, they were using the withdrawal method which is only about 80% effective, Its as much his RESPONSIBILITY as the OP's, and as for abortion......its the F*****g woman who has to go through with that and live with the consequences, I'd love to see a man go through it.

lorsric

OP - congratulations, I have had many friends in similar situations, and in some cases were unlucky enough to take the guys back.It never ended up working out, but they have their beautiful children.
Some men also will simply fall for you and love your child as if they were their own, know one guy in particular, raising the kids like his own.
I can imagine you are more hurt by the rejection, and wondering what next. Look forward, you are a brave and caring person,and stand to gain so much from your child.
Be conscious that people make decisions and say the most hurtful things in haste. Distance and time to focus on you and your family's (you and baby) future is important.
One day, your ex may show up and want involvement, and while you can say no, remember, you don't have to love your childs father, but your child deserves to know both parents.
Once again, best of luck with things.

I am a friend

Emme wrote: »

That's really offensive to single parents. A good few of them work but some don't because of the hassle of arranging childcare and cost of same when there's nobody else around.

Not really. The reality is and I could have phrased it more sensitively so apologies if people were offended. Kids cost €x to have and to raise. If the father doesn't pay up then this €x needed to be funded elsewhere by either the mother, the mothers family or the taxpayer. That's reality. He doesn't pay so other people, including the mother, families or you and me do... Hard fact of life no matter how unpleasant....

Salty

@Over Reactions of the year...it was people like you who put those poor girls in Magdalene Laundries all those years ago...


@OP...Congratulations! I hope everything goes well for you now and for years to come. Babies bring such joy with them and change your life for the better, all the best!!:)

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Hope you are doing ok.
I chose to go ahead with my pregnancy over 20years ago. The father was married to me but changed his mind about being a Dad. It was a long tough lonely road for me. I also think that there is no comparison to having a baby when the grandparents are young and can help you out (my parents were both too old and too unwell to help out much).
I love my child but nothing prepared me for the loneliness of single parenting or the poverty.
My Ex did not pay maintenance for 9 years. I lived hand to mouth on the breadline, suffered eviction and humiliation of the poverty trap..I had great qualifications but had no money after childcare, and was fired from one job for taking a week of with my child when he got a virus and was too unwell to go to the creche.
The lone parent allowance is a pittance and babies are very expensive. I lived like a pauper and so did my child. We have never owned a car and he never got to go to matches or outings with other kids.
As for dating..hard to do unless you have a regular free babysitter. To be honest I gave up dating for 15 years after the first couple of boyfriends ditched me to settle down and have babies with girls who had no kids...men who want to raise someone else's child are as rare as hen's teeth. I have recently been asked to model and the men I date now want to settle down with me now( I am past 40 and have reared my child).
I had a choice and so do you. Please think long and hard about what faces you. Whatever you choose I wish you well. Hugs x

Moomoo1

I am a friend wrote: »

Not really. The reality is and I could have phrased it more sensitively so apologies if people were offended. Kids cost €x to have and to raise. If the father doesn't pay up then this €x needed to be funded elsewhere by either the mother, the mothers family or the taxpayer. That's reality. He doesn't pay so other people, including the mother, families or you and me do... Hard fact of life no matter how unpleasant....

the state will pay. As they should. That's what we pay them our taxes for.