Trying to understand a bragger.

Pingusdead

I'm not sure if bragger is even the right word. I have a friend who, everytime I meet her, talks about guys who fancy her. I've never experienced anything like it. Either it's someone new or a rehashing of a story she has already told. Is it an insecurity thing maybe? I would hate to think that she is doing it maliciously, even though once in a while she speaks about guys that have shown an interest in me. It's so strange. I hate to admit that in my more sensitive moments it has gotten to me but for the most part I just think it's loopers!

Has anyone had dealings with someone similiar?

Poor Craythur

Yes I have.

I had a former friend who was rather full of herself and used to be going on about all the men who fancied her. One night we were in the pub and she was like "That guy keeps checking me out". He was over my shoulder so I couldn't say that he wasn't any more than he was. Later on in the evening we got chatting to him. Turns out he was gay!

I think insecurity could be a big part of it for your friend, if she KEEPS bringing things up, like she needs to remember those ego boosts (or perceived ego boosts).

baby and crumble

yeah, most likely it's someone who's very insecure.

flowerchild

Or she is accurate in her analysis of other people's reactions, and it is you who is insecure?

By the way, gay men can still check out other people. Often do.

Wibbs

flowerchild wrote: »

Or she is accurate in her analysis of other people's reactions, and it is you who is insecure?

Possibility alright, but it's been my experience that the type of behaviour the OP describes is vastly more likely to be insecurity on the part of the person so described. The accuracy of her perceptions got feck all to do with it really FC. Sure sign of insecurity is even if she is accurate in her analysis, she needs to tell everyone(knew a guy like the OP descirbes and same thing with him).

Count Duckula

Aye, it's one thing to notice people being attracted to you and let that give you an ego boost, but it's quite another to then boast about that to all and sundry.

flowerchild

Count Duckula wrote: »

Aye, it's one thing to notice people being attracted to you and let that give you an ego boost, but it's quite another to then boast about that to all and sundry.

Very true.

Poor Craythur

flowerchild wrote: »

By the way, gay men can still check out other people. Often do.

Probably.

Logical Fallacy

flowerchild wrote: »

By the way, gay men can still check out other people. Often do.

True, but the term "checking me out" is normally used to imply someone is looking at you because they find you attractive.

Someone looking at your means you might have a piece of crud stuck to your face.

Worlds apart.

Pingusdead

flowerchild wrote: »

Or she is accurate in her analysis of other people's reactions, and it is you who is insecure?

I would say she is accurate most of the time to which I say good for her! I have no problem with people being fancied. I think that the fact it's a constant conversation starter is the issue. She is in a serious relationship, so maybe that's why it feels weird sometimes.

beks101

I have a friend who does this too. She's in a serious relationship and has a child with her partner, who she had very young. She also lives in a small town and works in a job she hates, surrounded by people she can't stand, whereas the rest of us are globe trotting or living the single life and all that comes with it in Dublin.

It gets irritating as hell and it's nearly an in-joke in my circle of friends...'oh guess who fancies X now...:rolleyes:' but the way I see it, she's bored, stuck for gossip and well beyond the honeymoon stage in her relationship (truth be told her boyf isn't all that attentive) so it's easier to just let her have it. Way I see it, many of us use something external to validate ourselves...for me it's work, for others it's social life, friends, family...for my friend it's her sexual attractiveness to men.

I just don't humour her. I never give a reaction or a response. She's sent me countless emails (as I'm abroad) where it varies from exes from years back to her colleagues at work to her boyfriend's brothers who 'can't take their eyes off her' or were totally coming on to her...I never even address what she says. Hoping that some day she'll get the point!!

panda100

beks101 wrote: »

. Way I see it, many of us use something external to validate ourselves...for me it's work, for others it's social life, friends, family...for my friend it's her sexual attractiveness to men.

Exactly. I have a friend who has a lot of qualifications, and is never short of job offers, and she doesn't stop drawing attention to this fact at every available opportunity. It's pretty obvious its an ego boosting mechanism to make up for being pretty unhappy in the profession she's in.

Tbh bragging is pretty harmless and benign. It can get a bit annoying but I would never call my friend on it, as its pretty obvious she doing it for an ego boost.

Poor Craythur

I have no problems with people who are a little insecure, maybe a few little insecurities. Many of my friends have then, as I'm sure I do. Most are still overall quite content.

But hugely insecure people are absolutely exhausting to be around. I've cut two friends out of my life for this reason because I just could not hack it anymore. It's very draining.

Up-n-atom!

Poor Craythur wrote: »

I have no problems with people who are a little insecure, maybe a few little insecurities. Many of my friends have then, as I'm sure I do. Most are still overall quite content.

But hugely insecure people are absolutely exhausting to be around. I've cut two friends out of my life for this reason because I just could not hack it anymore. It's very draining.

I'd agree with this - it's exhausting AND very boring listening to friends harping on about the same things all the time, especially when it's all 'me-me-me-me-me'. There's a few variations on this theme, like the one-upmanship when everytime you talk about something, the friend brings up their version of the story, except it's clear they think theirs is better/more extreme. I've had a few energy-sapping people in my life over the years but thankfully they've never lasted long as friends, it's no fun.

gigawatt

I can't stand being around people like this tho in some way i do feel sorry for them as it is such a red flag for someone who has major insecurity issues. I find a lot of people are like this and it varies from person to person, for some its i'm sooooo fanciable/gorgeous/skinny for others its bragging about their car/house/designer clothes/area/financal status anything really. The thing that irritates me about it is I feel like in some way they are trying to put the people around them down. its like they are trying to feel better about themselves by putting those around them down. Its really draining!!

Up-n-atom!

^^^ Yup, you put your finger on it there, whatever about them being insecure, it's the fact that they're trying to make themselves feel better by putting YOU down and making you feel that your life/figure/choices aren't as good as theirs. And there's no excuse for that. Plenty of my friends have been in a place where they need a bit of ego boost, and I'm happy to give it to them as they are nice people with good qualities (of course, or they wouldn't be my friends!) so usually I just point these out. It crosses the line if this "big me up" comes at your expense.

Dudess

Sometimes I think people who say those who are vain are insecure do so as a kind of "comfort" - as in "Nobody could love themselves that much". But some people could - and are very secure indeed. I'd agree plenty of vain people are insecure though, and requiring validation constantly.

Poor Craythur

Dudess wrote: »

Sometimes I think people who say those who are vain are insecure do so as a kind of "comfort" - as in "Nobody could love themselves that much". But some people could - and are very secure indeed. I'd agree plenty of vain people are insecure though, and requiring validation constantly.

The person the OP describes most certainly falls into the insecure category.

sugarplumkin

Dudess wrote: »

Sometimes I think people who say those who are vain are insecure do so as a kind of "comfort" - as in "Nobody could love themselves that much". But some people could - and are very secure indeed. I'd agree plenty of vain people are insecure though, and requiring validation constantly.

I agree with you there, I think there are narcissistic people out there who are so self obsessed they don't even realize that they're probably the only person who sees them in that way.

However in saying that pretty much every vain, cocky, arrogant person I know seems to have a deeper underlying issues and use this false sense of self worth to hide their insecurities.

Eve_Dublin

I don't know any people like that because I wouldn't give that kind of person the time of day. I'd never befriend someone lacking such self-awareness to the degree that they don't realise that nobody cares who fancies them and can't pick up on the disinterest/disgust/shock on the face of others. It's very odd behaviour.

Poor Craythur

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I don't know any people like that because I wouldn't give that kind of person the time of day. I'd never befriend someone lacking such self-awareness to the degree that they don't realise that nobody cares who fancies them and can't pick up on the disinterest/disgust/shock on the face of others. It's very odd behaviour.

Well, my friend who I mention in the second post did have some great qualities, but yeah, completely lacked self-awareness to a shocking degree.

chillywilly

Everyone is insecure in one way or another, it's just we all show it differently IMO.

Pretty_Pistol

I really can't stand when people do this. Modesty is a good trait to have.

A guy I knew went around telling people I liked him. When in fact he had overheard me talking to my friend about some other guy. Eejit.
.

Maple

My "favourite" is when a person self proclaims themselves to be a sensitive person, and according to their definition of the word gives them licence to slate the other person's look/life/whatever but you can't retaliate because they're just soooooo sensitive.

Back on topic, one of my dearest friends is quite insecure and, while she is the best in the world and to be honest I nearly feel disloyal typing this, there are times when it drives me absolutely mental. She can be quite competitive, but really only when it comes to relationships with other people. She likes to be highly thought of and the "favourite" with other folks. So much so that she'll talk across you in a social situation or if another person bigs me up in a way that she finds threatening she'll come back with something like "ah not really tho".

I understand why she's like this, and I try not to let it bother me because I'm fairly secure in myself that I don't feel the need to be competitive but I'm really at the stage now where I'm like sort your issues out woman, you're big and ugly enough now to take responsibility for your emotions.

Sin1981

I have a friend who is very good looking and is around 5' 2' in height and a size 8. She's 29 now. Over the years I have known her she was constantly said stuff about herself eg. "Oh my arse is massive", "I'm so ugly...", "I'll never meet anyone looking like this..", "I look disgusting..", "I'm look obese in this...". Also she once said in front of friends of friends "...I wish I was good looking", to which she got a sudden stream of compliments from (to her)strangers about how good looking she is. she also won't go outside without make-up. We went to a spa once, and she had to get out early to re-apply make up. the rest of us went around with steamed red heads on us!
Then, on the other hand there are times when I get the impression she is quite proud of how she looks. She might make a mean comments about strangers eg. "... that girl is a big girl". Once we were in a bar and she commented to me about a man's "massive belly", I just casually said "oh well I have a bit of a belly myself", to which she replied "..oh yours isn't as big as his"!! I was a bit annoyed at her little insult. She also once proudly announced that her new pair of jeans were a size 6. she also has pretty high standards in men (which makes sense to me, i.e. good look girls who out with good looking men)

I know I'm going off the OP's original point (and hijacking a bit), sorry! but to this day my friend puzzles me, I sometimes think she's pure vain and proud, then other times I think she is pure insecure and is constantly looking for compliments. I can never figure her out. I find is extremely difficult to get my head around the fact that a very good looking person can be so insecure and down on their looks.

Any ideas?

Poor Craythur

Sin1981 wrote: »

I have a friend who is very good looking and is around 5' 2' in height and a size 8. She's 29 now. Over the years I have known her she was constantly said stuff about herself eg. "Oh my arse is massive", "I'm so ugly...", "I'll never meet anyone looking like this..", "I look disgusting..", "I'm look obese in this...". Also she once said in front of friends of friends "...I wish I was good looking", to which she got a sudden stream of compliments from (to her)strangers about how good looking she is.

Then, on the other hand there are times when I get the impression she is quite proud of how she looks.

She is proud of how she looks, she knows well she's good-looking. All that stuff in the first paragraph is pure and blatant compliment-fishing. TBH, whilst some people might have fallen for that, plenty more wouldn't and would be just inwardly rolling their eyes at her. And many would wryly give her compliments, ya know? Like "You're gorgeous" *inward eye-roll*, that kinda thing.

Now there's nothing wrong with knowing you're good-looking but needing constant compliments about it is a whole other thing, like that's the only place you think your worth lies.

She's going to have a hard time when her looks begin to fade...

beks101

Sin1981 wrote: »

I have a friend who is very good looking and is around 5' 2' in height and a size 8. She's 29 now. Over the years I have known her she was constantly said stuff about herself eg. "Oh my arse is massive", "I'm so ugly...", "I'll never meet anyone looking like this..", "I look disgusting..", "I'm look obese in this...". Also she once said in front of friends of friends "...I wish I was good looking", to which she got a sudden stream of compliments from (to her)strangers about how good looking she is. she also won't go outside without make-up. We went to a spa once, and she had to get out early to re-apply make up. the rest of us went around with steamed red heads on us!
Then, on the other hand there are times when I get the impression she is quite proud of how she looks. She might make a mean comments about strangers eg. "... that girl is a big girl". Once we were in a bar and she commented to me about a man's "massive belly", I just casually said "oh well I have a bit of a belly myself", to which she replied "..oh yours isn't as big as his"!! I was a bit annoyed at her little insult. She also once proudly announced that her new pair of jeans were a size 6. she also has pretty high standards in men (which makes sense to me, i.e. good look girls who out with good looking men)

Any ideas?

Yeah she's using her looks as a way of validating herself. The insecurity one minute, vanity the next is a classic symptom. She needs constant reassurance because she's placing so much value on her looks that she can't live without the knowledge that she's stunning, gorgeous, the best looking girl in the room. Every compliment reinforces her self-worth.

It's sad that she's reached 29 years of age without growing out of this. I wonder about women like this...were their mothers the same? Were they bullied over their looks as children? How did they come to place this sort of exaggerated value on their appearance to the point where everything else is secondary?

I know there's a real thrill in knowing that you're being watched / admired/ getting attention because someone fancies you or even the very fact of being desirable to other people...I guess to some people it's like a drug. As Poor Craytur said though, it's a dangerous addiction that's going to make you more miserable and depressed as you age and the attention diminishes. By way of maturity and life experience the importance you place on this interest should diminish too, but for so many women it doesn't, as they've constructed their entire self-image around their looks.

Anyway rambling OT. Back to work!