Don't Do What I've Done....

Balfie

COLOR=Red]Read this first[COLOR=Black[/COLOR][/COLOR]I posted this a few weeks ago in the Lock Inn.. Its a closed forum, and I felt safer posting it there. I didn't really want to make it "public", after about a month I thought I might aswell put it here, alot of the very nice folks in the Lock Inn suggested that I put it here as many people might be going through the same thing. Just putting it out there has helped me alot. So if you read all of this and get something from it don't be afraid to post something yourself, or to talk to someone about it. Cause trust me, It helps.

MODS: If you do not like this here please feel free to delete it. I have no problem with that.

You do not have to read this, its gonna be long.
Ok so it's taken me a long time to come to the realisation that I have came to, and hopefully by writing this it will stop, or help someone else not to fall into the same thing that I have fallen into, I'm not writing this looking for pity, or looking for "Awh that poor fella" kinda stuff, I'm writing this cause before I can admit it to myself I have to tell it to someone else, and I kinda just need to get this off my chest, and if I make spelling mistakes or something stupid like that then I'm sorry, I'm shaking like mad as I'm writing this, cause it's a hard thing to do.

I've been trying to distance myself from the whole internet thing, cause basically I have became addicted to the internet. Stupid you maybe thinking, how can you possibly become addicted to the internet.

Well its quite simple really, I've gotten so bad with the internet that I will sit online for hours on end gazing at a computer screen, refreshing pages every few mins, possibly seconds, it has become second nature to me that I don't even notice anymore. As silly as it sounds the internet has done something to me that I never thought could happen, I've become that person that I said I would never become. The couch Potato as such.

Days and nights would go by where I would sit online even not even talking to anyone, just looking at stupid things, not even doing simple things like getting up to make myself something to eat, even tho I know that I'm hungry, closing down the laptop screen I would walk away from it and within a minute I would be thinking what have I missed, so then find myself going online on my phone just to get my buzz of internet. Simple things like getting up to go to the bathroom, I would hold it for an hour even tho I know that I really need to go, and the bathroom is right beside my bedroom, I would be too lazy to even get up off my bed just to walk 5-6 steps to use the bathroom. It has gone as far as to make me cranky when I can't get online, I would be sitting talking to my sister, and I would go off on a daze, she would say something simple to me and I would snap, completly just lose the head at her, and for nothing absolutly nothing I would go mad, even going as far as to take it out on her 2 children if I was watching something on youtube I would make them sit in silence so I could hear what someone had to say, even though it wasn't even important to me what someone else's opinion on something was, I really didn't care, but I still had to hear it.

It has affected my life down to the point to where even walking to the shop is turning into a chore, I haven't been out to see friends in weeks. Maybe months, even the thought of contact with an actual human being is scaring me, without being able to do the "lol, lmao," stupid things, if I'm not online this way I am online on my playstation, not taking proper human contact, losing my mind when some little 12 year old gets the better of me.

Relationships have basically become non existant for me, even the thought of coming into contact with a woman in a sexual way frightens me cause I can't hide behind my computer screen and "have a laugh". I've become a man that I never wanted to be, in exactly 1 week I will be 23, and since my 22nd birthday I would guess I have spent 11 of those months online, without actual human contact. Even doing simple little things like going to the pub, to socialise, I have stopped doing it, cause I actually like sitting in having a beer on my own, with a computer screen in front of me.

Then it all hit the fan for me yesterday, my sister lost the head with me, told me that things couldn't go on like this, that I had to change, I lost the head at her in front of her kids at 8 in the morning cause I had been sitting up all night on the computer, and my mind was in over drive, I had 4 hours sleep, woke up to go to the bathroom, but instead of going back asleep like any normal person would, I picked up the computer and sat there reading crap on the internet. She brought her kids to school after I had told them I would bring them to school, and they got all excited an happy cause I am alot more easy going with them when it comes to walking to school,. Although all I think about when I'm bringing them to school is I have to hurry back to get back onto the internet and see what is happening, yet while I know that it is actually really hyopocritical of me to write this on the internet, maybe it will stop someone that reads this from falling into the same thing that I have fallen into.

Yesterday anyways, she came back from the school and came up to my room, with my face firmly implanted in the computer screen, told me that basically if I didn't stop I would have to find myself somewhere else to live, in more abrupt words as you can imagine.

While I realise that it is possibly very easy to get out of the habit that I have fallen into, I find it really hard to resist waking up in the morning, picking up the laptop straight away and not even having breakfast.

While I have kept you here possibly reading it and boring the life out of ya, I just want ya to realise, I let myself into this trap that I have fallen into, and I have fallen into a very severe depression, I'm not happy unless I'm in front of a computer screen, my sleep has been affected by it as to where the only time I can get a proper nights sleep is when I'm locked outta my bin..

As I said at the top, I'm not writing this for pity, I'm writing this in the hope that someone might read it and think to themselves I will never do that, and realise that it's easy to put the computer down and get out an do something with their life.. Just one thing that I will ask that if you feel the need to slag me off an think ohhh what a loser, please keep it to yourself, I have heard enough of it from my family slagging me off that I haven't left the house in weeks, and of course I would laugh an joke about it an make an excuse like "Its snowing out" or "Its raining out, or it's far too cold out to even think about crossing the door". While I realise that people are going to have a harsh opinion of what I have put myself into, I blame no one but myself, and it took for my sister to say something yesterday and for me to sit on my bed crying for 2 hours, yes a grown man crying cause I realised that she was right, I have put myself into a hole, and I was clinging on by a thread, and yesterday that thread snapped in half and I plumeted to the ground.

I know that none of you guys are counsellers, and maybe some of you are going to be thinking what the hell has he told us all this stuff for, its an internet forum, we come here to get a release from every day life, and have a bit of me time. All I can say is I'm sorry to have such a long and drawn out story of how I feel and how I am at the moment, like I said, I just hope that this will reach out to maybe just one person and they will hopefully not fall into the same rut that I am in right now.

I thank you for reading this, I just needed to vent really, get a few things off my chest and hopefully start to move on with a proper life, and check the internet every couple of days or something, cause for the 23rd year of my life I am not going to let myself spend another 11 months of it online, or thinking about being online.


Thanks for listening if ya have got this far.

Craig

Quazzie

Fair play for writing that out. It took courage.

Tallon

Fair play for posting it here Balfie, It hit me hard when I read it first time!

You have my number if you want me

Wibbs

Fair play +1. Though not as extreme, I nearly fell into a similar enough rut to you Balfie when modding PI a couple of years back. We were "short staffed" at the time and I was putting proper work into it during the day, actually missed a couple of real jobs over it. What eye swivellingly loony guff is that? The realisation hit me when I turned down going out for a beer one friday over a thread I thought might go a bit south. I lay in bed at something daft like 3 in the morning(after it had calmed down) thinking "eh wut?".

Like anything stimulating it's easy enough to get hooked. For a good whle now people have been hooked on TV, soaps and the rest, while ignoring good chunks of their lives. The interweb is far more addictive I reckon. It stimulates us all over the place, socially, intellectually, visually. All while being anonymous and instant. Sit there with a beer or a doob and all bases are covered, but living it ain't.

If it helps you keep to a normal amount of webbing, I know a chap in his late 30's, serious serious brainiac, indeed one of the most intelligent people I've ever met in my life. He's also got one of the biggest hearts and used to have one of the biggest social lives too. Now? through doob and the web, he's become more and more insular and socially isolated and his career has long gone. It breaks my fúcking heart TBH.

The internet is one of the most wonderful inventions of humanity, but it does have it's dark side like anything. Again fair play to you for acknowledging that in yourself. Kudos

I guarantee you're not alone in the readers of your post either. 100% sure of that and more extreme too.

stovelid

Fair play to you, fella. Let you RL friends see this too so they can help.

Cookie_Monster

I spend far too much time on the net also, both in work but also at home. Not to the extent that I would not sleep or go out but I think it may have been headed that way.

What I would say to you is get out and away from it every day for a set time. I go out on my bike (just me) no pressure to deal with people or anything. Great way to spend an hour or two nearly every day, takes your mind off everything except what you are doing and your surroundings. Or go walking or anything else you enjoy as long as its outdoors. Its a great first step IMO and easy to do as its only a short time each day.
The exercise also gives you a bit of a buzz and the feeling of getting out and doing something is great too

Hope this may help

pickarooney

Good on you for taking the first, important step Balfie. To be honest, in other circumstances I could easily see it happening to me.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Darragh

Thanks for sharing that. Fair play.

Good luck with getting the RL stuff sorted. As someone who spends a lot of time online as well, I know how easy it is to get burnt out and addicted all at once.

OutlawPete

Top bloke Balfie and a brave at that. See you are getting the same support here as you did in TLI. Wibbs post in particular shows you that none of us are immune to the addictiveness of being online and the negative effects that that can have on our RLs. Best of luck finding the balance between the two mate.

DeVore

Balance in all things I guess.... I've found myself facing down the same barrel, and it can be worse because I can tell myself "oh you are working". Which isnt often all that true.

I've forced myself to do offline things lately, learning piano, getting into acting, photography, to try and put "online" into its proper place.

Good luck mate and fair dues to you for being so honest with yourself (and to your sister, she must really care about you). Be well.

DeV.

looksee

It is very easy to slip into that attitude, and you have caught yourself and admitted to yourself what is happening. I am a couple of generations older than you and could easily see it happening to me, it almost did till I got a bit of sense and started weaning off.

Do you have a job, or a college course to distract you? You need to develop something in your life that will help you get away from the computer. If a job or a college course isn't possible, look for voluntary work, or exercise or an interest of some sort. Exercise is surprisingly good.

Limit yourself on the computer. Allow yourself half an hour while you have your breakfast or a cup of coffee or whatever, just to check emails and essentials. Then switch it off and do something else for a couple of hours. You can have another quick look with a cup of coffee mid morning.

Remind yourself that if anything interesting is going to happen, a couple of hours will give it a better chance. Then switch off. Dig your sister's garden and plant some veg. Redecorate a room for the kids, whatever. Tell your sister what you are doing so she can nag you if you slip.

Do it NOW. Read these replies then switch off. The rationing starts now.

MASTER...of the bra

How many hours (online) is to many do you guys think?

Steve

Fair play to ya Balfie.

I think there are a lot of us here that are in or have been in the same situation.

I should know, I actually was there (as regards boards anyway), online practically 24 /7, putting work second to keeping up with the gossip, pretty much most of what you said. If you search back through helpdesk, it used to be inundated with people asking for temporary sitebans for this very reason (they don't do em any more in case you were wondering).

From personal experience, I can tell you that it will pass - you'll eventually have too much of a good thing and it'll start to get boring / less interesting / less of a priority. At that point, you'll stop wanting it so much and start to appreciate it more in smaller quantities.

I really don't think you should worry too much mate, there's nothing really that unusual about what you're going through and for sure there's enough collective goodwill in the folks here to help you along.

starbelgrade

MASTER...of the bra wrote: »

How many hours (online) is to many do you guys think?

I don't think it's just down to how long you spend online, although that's obviously a part of it. Most people are guilty of spending a bit too much time on the web, but it all depends on whether you can take it or leave it.

If it begins to affect your relationships, your social life, your work or study, then most likely you have a problem. Basically, if it interferes with your normal life rather than being a normal part of your everyday life, it's an issue. How big of a problem that is, depends on the individual.

A lot of addictions - including internet addictions (there are various types of it - gaming, porn, surfing etc) - are usually a manifestation of underlying problems like depression, other addictions like problem drinking, social phobias, anxiety etc. and as with most addictions, you have to treat these underlying issues in order to treat the addiction itself.

Balfie

Thanks for all the feedback lads.. Its not "nice" to know that other people have been going through the same thing, but its a comfort to know that I ain't in it alone.. I've cut down big time since I posted that thread in The Lock Inn.. An just like here, everyone there was so supportive.. I really do appriciate it alot..

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read it, and if you read it an took something from it then it was definatly worth while posting.

Locked Messed Monster

Fair play to you for making that post. I like the internet to, possibly too much.

But you're still on the internet as far as I can see and that is not a good thing, given what you said?

I may be confused.

looksee

Locked Messed Monster wrote: »

Fair play to you for making that post. I like the internet to, possibly too much.

But you're still on the internet as far as I can see and that is not a good thing, given what you said?

I may be confused.

Its not a matter of not being on at all, just being reasonable about it.

Now I have stopped being reasonable as I have done everything I set out to do and really need to go to bed...

AckwelFoley

You have crossed the hardest hurdle to cross, and that admitting you have a problem.

It may soud trivial to some that reads of "internet addiction" - but a dependance on anything other than food and air is not good, granted, if one could do without food and air we would be better off too!

Good luck

--LOS--

That was pretty shocking to read Balfie and I must have missed it in TLI but fair play to you for posting that and I really hope you are doing better. I thought you were joking at first but I can completely understand how that would happen. We all joke about being addicted to the internet/boards but I guess it really can get out of hand. When I first started using boards regularly I was like some of your story, putting basic things off like eating and holding your pee as silly as it sounds coz you just cant tear yourself away from the screen. I asked someone to leave before coz I was itching to get back online :O It never turned out to be a problem for me, you can find great solace from the internet but i can certainly understand how it would, just hope it doesn't put you off coming back to us full stop!

I also spend a horrible amount of time on the internet but I will admit I'm not as severe as you have been; I don't put off eating or going to the toilet for example. I've never been great with real-life social interaction and have used the internet, especially Boards, as an outlet; it means I can hide away from the world while still having some form of interaction. It most likely comes down to depression as I've had to deal with it for the past 11 years.

There have been times where I thought "drop the laptop, go out and do something" but for me it's not as easy since I work in computer repairs so there's no avoiding them! You'd think that would put me off but it obviously doesn't.

Kudos for the post, I read every bit of it.

Splinter

Hey Craig,

fair play for reading that. takes a lot to admit what you just did. I went through it a few years back with the devil that is WoW (warcraft) and it SUCKED! only way i got through it was a wierd cold turkey, i moved out and moved into somewhere that had no internet connection. did me the world of good and while i still work in IT, it made a huge difference for me. if you ever fancy a real life pint sometime, feel free to get in touch.

fair play mate and go enjoy the summer, you picked the right time of year to enjoy real life

Mark

Wolfe Tone

Splinter wrote: »

Hey Craig,

fair play for reading that. takes a lot to admit what you just did. I went through it a few years back with the devil that is WoW (warcraft) and it SUCKED! only way i got through it was a wierd cold turkey, i moved out and moved into somewhere that had no internet connection. did me the world of good and while i still work in IT, it made a huge difference for me. if you ever fancy a real life pint sometime, feel free to get in touch.

fair play mate and go enjoy the summer, you picked the right time of year to enjoy real life

Mark

That monster had me in its claws before too, I just hadda delete it in the end and gt rid of the disks.

Tallon

Minecraft did that to me in the first few months. Thank god I'm so busy lately

Overheal

just as a sidenote for those fellow insomniacs you spend way too long up on the computter, there is a free application called f.lux that will actually account for the time of day and your location and change the color temperature of your computer screen to match. Defintely suggest trying it out:

http://stereopsis.com/flux/

Balfie

Just an update,

So its been nearly 2 months since I posted this thread first.. I was checking back for new replys an stuff every now and again, I still spend my time on the internet, I'm not trying too fool myself an say that I don't go on it at all, I know I do, but since writing that, I have seriously cut down on my internet usage.

I'm not gonna lie an say that I don't have days where I do nothing but sit on the internet, but thats on days when its horrible weather, an nothing else to do..

Also a big thank you to all of you, the support on this thread has been amazing, an I feel lucky to be apart of the Boards.ie community..

Thanks.

Craig.

AckwelFoley

Balfie wrote: »

Also a big thank you to all of you, the support on this thread has been amazing, an I feel lucky to be apart of the Boards.ie community..

Thanks.

Craig.

Its nice that the site and community gets some positive feedback.

You should post more often..

oh, erm.. nevermind

Hal Emmerich

Balfie wrote: »

closing down the laptop screen I would walk away from it and within a minute I would be thinking what have I missed,

What sites do you be on that would have you asking yourself that??

That bit stuck out to me the first time I read your post.

Overheal

Overheal wrote: »

just as a sidenote for those fellow insomniacs you spend way too long up on the computter, there is a free application called f.lux that will actually account for the time of day and your location and change the color temperature of your computer screen to match. Defintely suggest trying it out:

http://stereopsis.com/flux/

what i didnt explain in that post is the light normally given off by your screen makes your body think its daytime so it stays alert and awake; using f.lux youre able to convince your body more easily that its more like a lamp, etc. - the warmer light puts you to sleep easier than a plain LCD display would otherwise. Similar light/body theory applies to seasonal affective disorder - which incidentally means you probably shouldnt run f.lux during winter months if you are prone to SAD-like symptoms.

Tallon

Overheal wrote: »

just as a sidenote for those fellow insomniacs you spend way too long up on the computter, there is a free application called f.lux that will actually account for the time of day and your location and change the color temperature of your computer screen to match. Defintely suggest trying it out:

http://stereopsis.com/flux/

Holy crap dude, that is so good... Thank you

--LOS--

I wish I could get that app working on my laptop

Sprrratt

Major respect is owed to you Balfie. That was very touching. I feel for you. I actually went through the same thing around the time I was finishing up primary school.

I was just moving up the road to a new house and although it was only about half a mile away it felt like way way more. I lost all my friends because I used to play clan nights every night on games like Football Manager and such. It is a horrible addiction when you get to the stage when youre just sitting waiting for nothing all day long. I myself actually do spend most of my days on the computer doing the same thing however thankfully I do not have any troubles with eating or sleeping or whatever.

As you know now I am actually slipping off the edge of control with my drinking. Im 17, just about to do a PLC and head to university however since it has been made so easy for me to drink and to get it ive just forgotton that it really is meant to only be thought of as a treat. For the past year and a half I havent gone more than 2 days without a drink, and that said when I do its not just 1 or 2 bottles of beer. Its 4, 5, 6 or more. Every second night or even every night some weeks.

I have taken a step towards talking to friends but they just kind of laugh it off like ah yeah yer fúcked now, this and that. I definitely have to, sorry am going to sort myself out. Im not going to quit altogether but I vow to take control of my body again.