I have strong feelings for a very promiscuous girl?

LegacyUser

I meet this girl at a house party before and we really hit it off, so much in common and seemed like a genuine girl. We ended up kissing and I thought something might happen, like a relationship. We had a good laugh and really hit it off. This happened ages ago. But as it turns out she is just a very promiscuous and hits it off with loads of guys when she goes out. I have feelings for her but feel angry that she is this way, if you know what I mean. I don't know why I feel angry? I feel ashamed that I feel this way towards her but I just can't help it. I feel she deserves better than to be this way.

I bump into her on a daily bussiness and enjoy our breif company, but if the chance came up for a possible relationship I would decline because I don't think I could trust a woman like that.

It isn't a majour issue but my feelings are all over the place: 1. I have feelings for her, 2. I feel angry towards her, 3. Feel ashamed at myself, 4. If I ever did make a move on her I don't think I'd want a relationship and hence just be a hypocrite.

But it's absolutly none of my bussiness to be so morally judgemental. What can I do to stop feeling like this? Should I just try and avoid her?

Boskowski

keepingasecret wrote: »

Should I just try and avoid her?

As presented by you, then 'Yes'.

Emme

If you feel so judgemental towards her, then avoid her. If she were a guy people probably wouldn't bat an eyelid at the promiscuous behaviour.

Maybe she's insecure and unhappy deep down and would be faithful to a guy who valued her and treated her well? It sounds like she doesn't meet too many guys like that. Maybe she has never met a guy who valued her and treated her well which is a strong possibility in this society. And it sounds that you don't value her much either even though you say you have feelings for her.

If you really liked her (and didn't judge her) you could ask her out and tell her you wanted an exclusive relationship with somebody who would be faithful. Who knows, you might be the first guy to say that to her?

But because you think she's a slut, you'll probably avoid her and she'll continue to behave in a way that offends you.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LittleBook

keepingasecret wrote: »

she is just very promiscuous and hits it off with loads of guys when she goes out.

What do you mean by this? Purely as a matter of interest, what do you consider to be promiscuous?

keepingasecret wrote: »

I have feelings for her but feel angry that she is this way

keepingasecret wrote: »

if the chance came up for a possible relationship I would decline because I don't think I could trust a woman like that
...
1. I have feelings for her, 2. I feel angry towards her, 3. Feel ashamed at myself, 4. If I ever did make a move on her I don't think I'd want a relationship and hence just be a hypocrite.

I find your language and your overall attitude unsettling. If you ever made a move on her you don't think you'd want a relationship? So why would you ever make a move on her? Why are you even considering "making a move on" someone who seems to be diametrically opposed to your own morality?

Are you considering getting some of what you think other lads are getting even though you have feelings for her? Hypocrite is not a strong enough word for that.

Your post is full of anger and shame. I advise you to stay away from her.

If she's young, free and single and enjoying her sex-life, she's not for you.

And if, as Emme wonders, she is acting upon insecurities, you are not the person to "save" (for want of a better word) her.

ted1

dude if you like her go for it.

she may be looking for the right person to be in a relationship with. yo may find she is extrmly loyal and faith full when in a relationship. when your with er you may find you enjoy her promiscous ways

ash23

She's single yes? So she has every right to go and be with who she wants to be with. It doesn't mean she's not to be trusted in a relationship at all.

If you don't respect her or her values are at odds with yours then yes, avoid her as it won't work out. But this isn't her fault.

LegacyUser

At a college class party she hit it off with 8 guys from our class on that night, and she has a repution for cheating with people she went out with. That is the main reason why I won't ask her out. Why would I ask her out, well she is very nice and friendly and I get on very well with her and we have a lot of similar interests.

But genuinely how can anyone trust women like this? Do women like this change?

This is not her fault, its me with the problem. Angry is probably too strong of a word, its more of a feeling of awkardness and feeling sorry for her. Is there anything I can do to stop having

ManOfMystery

keepingasecret wrote: »

But genuinely how can anyone trust women like this? Do women like this change?

What exactly is 'this'? Why should she change herself? Because the number of guys she happens to meet and get along with exceeds some limit you have in your head? It's her life, she can do what she likes.

What does 'hitting it off' mean anyway, she speaks to them? Big deal.

Emme

I think that the OP is spending too much time focusing on this girl's behaviour and not on his own life.

tinkerbell

keepingasecret wrote: »

At a college class party she hit it off with 8 guys from our class on that night, and she has a repution for cheating with people she went out with. That is the main reason why I won't ask her out. Why would I ask her out, well she is very nice and friendly and I get on very well with her and we have a lot of similar interests.

But genuinely how can anyone trust women like this? Do women like this change?

This is not her fault, its me with the problem. Angry is probably too strong of a word, its more of a feeling of awkardness and feeling sorry for her. Is there anything I can do to stop having

Do you mean she KISSED 8 guys or SLEPT WITH 8 guys?

liah

keepingasecret wrote: »

At a college class party she hit it off with 8 guys from our class on that night,

Please clarify exactly what you mean by 'hitting it off.' Do you mean 'getting along really well with,' 'made out with,' or 'had sex with'?

and she has a repution for cheating with people she went out with.

Lots of people have entirely undeserved reputations for a lot of things. People are close-minded, and rumours spread easily-- all it would take is for one person to not take a liking to this girl and start telling everyone she's a slut for the entire town to eventually believe it, when the exact opposite could be true ("Easy A" is a new movie about this very thing, except the main character takes control of the situation; worth a watch).

Now, are you saying this because other people (besides her) have told you that and you see her talking to a lot of guys, and because of this, believe the rumours?

Or have you actually seen her physically cheat on someone while in a relationship (that is literally the only way to know whether what's being said is true or not)?

But genuinely how can anyone trust women like this? Do women like this change?

Would you say the same thing about a man, out of curiousity?

If so, well, fair enough. But just because a girl has fun while she's single (if she even is sleeping around, this has not been made clear by you yet because as far as I can tell, it's pure speculation and hearsay on your part) doesn't mean she's bound to cheat, at all, whatsoever. Plenty of people (male and female) I know had a lot of fun while they were single, but were absolutely 100% faithful when they found a partner.

its more of a feeling of awkardness and feeling sorry for her.

Why would you feel sorry for someone who may be having a great time, simply because you personally think it's too much (again, if you have it confirmed)?

Pyr0

tinkerbell wrote: »

Do you mean she KISSED 8 guys or SLEPT WITH 8 guys?

Tbh, kissing 8 guys from the same class on the same night is a bit iffy like..

LegacyUser

keepingasecret wrote: »

At a college class party she hit it off with 8 guys from our class on that night, and she has a repution for cheating with people she went out with. That is the main reason why I won't ask her out. Why would I ask her out, well she is very nice and friendly and I get on very well with her and we have a lot of similar interests.

But genuinely how can anyone trust women like this? Do women like this change?

This is not her fault, its me with the problem. Angry is probably too strong of a word, its more of a feeling of awkardness and feeling sorry for her. Is there anything I can do to stop having

OP, you two aren't compatible. For both her sake and your own, I'd suggest you leave it be.

Morag

She is young and playing the field if a guy was doing the same bugger all would be said.
Yes a person can play the field and then be in a relationship and not cheat.
You seem more concern about her susposed 'rep' and how that would reflect on you.

Cheeky_gal

keepingasecret wrote: »

At a college class party she hit it off with 8 guys from our class on that night

OP, what exactly do you mean by this?

From a girl's perspective, and in this girl's defense, if you mean she just got talking to 8 different guys and appeared to get on really well with them then maybe she's just a "lad's girl".

From my own personal experience I would have to say that I tend to get on a lot better with guys than I do girls. This is from having been in an all girl's school all my life and having been bullied by girls. Maybe I have a mental block against girl's, I don't know. But I know a few guys who have spoken about me behind my back saying that I'm playing them all when in fact I'm only been friendly/sociable! The girl in question sounds very like me (Not the promiscuous part!)

So maybe you should judge her for yourself and not listen to what you've "heard about her". Get to know her. Chances are she's just been deeply hurt and "been promiscuous" is her way of getting back at the world, it's self destruction on her part imo, but her behaviour might be totally diffferent in a relationship!

It's worth a shot but definately don't judge the book by it's cover, you should find out for yourself, good luck

Is "hitting it off with" talking, kissing or sleeping with? If it is the latter and the middle, then yes, she could be seen as promiscuous, if not borderline "slutty" with the latter. However, if you mean just talking/flirting, she is likely to be that way naturally. If you are getting mad at her talking to other guys, then you should examine your own self-esteem and your own actions, as this kind of thing wouldn't be healthy in a relationship and may also lead to you becoming controlling/domineering.

LegacyUser

No no not talking flirting. When I say hitting it off I mean snogging them/kissing them and it was at least eight, I'm not sure but the guys from the class were talking about it the next day and laughing about it. Sometimes people might make a smart remark about if someone was out and they'd say this girl was with everyone. Its not doing her reputaion any good, even though she is a lovely person.

If it was a fella doing it, or my friend, yeah it would bother me. most of my friends are in relationships. There's nothing worse than going out to a night club with a mutual lady friend and a load of guys desperatly trying it on with her even though she's not having any of it. Thats just me, I sort of hate the whole nightclub scene tbh.

fungun

sounds like she is a bit of a lads girl and probably has a past you wont like.

and you dont sound like the forgiving and look to the future type.

So Id leave it

Up-n-atom!

It seems simple enough: if you like her, ask her out, see how you go from there. But then I don't think it sounds like you could handle her past, and there's plenty of guys who don't like to think of their girlfriends being with other guys before, even if it hasn't been that many. I'd say even if you did get together the amount of lads she has or hasn't been with would bother you, so it's probabaly best to leave it.

trio

One night when we were out celebrating a friend's birthday, we jokingly dared her to snog 10 guys in the nightclub.

She did! She fancied some kissing for her birthday and decided to just go mad. She was a total virgin at the time and for some time after. Not a slut, in other words.

So I don't think this girl is a slut for kissing several guys in one night.

It's clear however that you think she is, even though she's got a lovely personality. So no, please don't ask her out. If she's that nice, then she deserves someone who is of the same relaxed mindset as herself.

effluent

If it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck it is a duck.

This girl is not the type to be going out with, at least in this stage of her life. when she grows up maybe. But if you ask her out and get serious she will more than likley fool you around.

xzanti

Do the girl a huge favour, and give her a wide berth.. Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me..

You're not even in a relationship with her and you're already feeling "anger" over her past

Move on..

Firetrap

It all boils down to whether you'd trust her if she was your girlfriend I think. In truth, nobody knows. Perhaps she would be a disaster as a girlfriend and would cheat on you with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Or perhaps she just hasn't met the right guy yet or lost the run of herself a bit once she'd gotten away from home and started discovering sex and snogging. Some people can go a bit wild when they start at college and make some bad judgements.

Little Acorn

xzanti wrote: »

Do the girl a huge favour, and give her a wide berth.. Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me..

You're not even in a relationship with her and you're already feeling "anger" over her past

Move on..

Exactly this ^^^ OP.
Everyone is entitled to have their own preferences or morals regarding choosing their partners. For some their partner's past isn't a big deal, and for others it is a very important consideration.
It obviously is a big deal to you about what kind of rep a girl has, so if you feel her behavior is so bad [that's subjective btw, it wouldn't be seen as bad by everyone], then you are not suited.
There's the possibility that you would be very jealous, untrusting, and possibly even become controlling and possessive in a relationship with her(even if she was being faithful).
Now, I'm sure you wouldn't want something like that to happen, but her actions are already pissing you off, and causing you to have poor judgement on her,you already think she is a cheater, and you're not even seeing her yet!
A relationship with her would be destined to end badly I think.
Let her do her own thing, and find someone who you feel would be more suited to you.

greengiant09

give her a wide berth...no good can come of this.

you are not compatible with each other....you have completely different values regarding what is appropriate behaviour. and you'd be a fool to take it upon yourself to try and change her...

Logical Fallacy

keepingasecret wrote: »

I feel she deserves better than to be this way.

She is how she wants to be and is probably enjoying it. There is no surer way to **** up a friendship, a relationship or a possible relationship than by projecting YOUR virtues onto someone else and assuming they would be happier living like you do.

greengiant09

trio wrote: »

One night when we were out celebrating a friend's birthday, we jokingly dared her to snog 10 guys in the nightclub.

She did! She fancied some kissing for her birthday and decided to just go mad. She was a total virgin at the time and for some time after. Not a slut, in other words.

So I don't think this girl is a slut for kissing several guys in one night.

It's clear however that you think she is, even though she's got a lovely personality. So no, please don't ask her out. If she's that nice, then she deserves someone who is of the same relaxed mindset as herself.

one persons definition of a slut can differ widely from anothers. it's all subjective at the end of the day. i'm sure you have used the term in the past to descibe someone who did not meet your own personal standards. so i don't think it's fair to criticise the op for his opinion.

as a person who is looking for a potential partner, you've every right to judge people on how they behave....and whether it is compatible with your own values. trying to alter their behaviour is another thing altogether.....

flowerchild

You don't sound as though you would be a relaxed funny and appreciative partner for her so it's probably not a good choice.

You sound a bit caught up implicitly in what others might think, and that's a pity. Better to just say i really like her as a person and always use a condom. Which is the way to go anyway.

Unless the fear is that she won't be 'exclusive' with you, and how you might react to that and in turn how others might view you as a man who was spurned by a woman.

Which is all a bit insecure, to be honest.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

iguana

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

To be fair to the OP I don't think he was just casually kissing her. I think he had hoped it was the start of a possible relationship.

LegacyUser

[QUOTE=It's clear however that you think she is, even though she's got a lovely personality. So no, please don't ask her out. If she's that nice, then she deserves someone who is of the same relaxed mindset as herself.[/QUOTE]

There is no need to rant at me over the internet, I am just looking for advice. Are you trying to imply that I am over strung or over bearing based on an anonymous post on the internet, when you know absolutly nothing about me? Cheers.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I don't think its real anger you feel for her, just pissed off she didn't turn out to be what you intially expected.

You get chatting, think she's really cool, manage to get a kiss, think its unique then BAM no sorry she does this with every guy she meets.

So you go from feeling special and excited to being taken for a fool and excitement of someone you actually liked taken away. That sucks.

Best forget about her.

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I don't think its real anger you feel for her, just pissed off she didn't turn out to be what you intially expected.

You get chatting, think she's really cool, manage to get a kiss, think its unique then BAM no sorry she does this with every guy she meets.

So you go from feeling special and excited to being taken for a fool and excitement of someone you actually liked taken away. That sucks.

Best forget about her.

Word for word that is exactly how I feel, thank you. I just find it so hard to meet a girl who I get on with and have much in common. And when it did happen, it wasn't anything special to her but it was to me.

I guess the proof is in the pudding in that I have never asked her out since and never will really.

greengiant09

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

whilst it may not be a valid conclusion to draw, with the evidence he has, i'd be very wary of her behaviour....especially when the op goes on to say:

"she has a repution for cheating with people she went out with."

the alarm bells should be ringing loud and clear after hearing that. i really don't know how you can't see the danger signs.

Wagon

keepingasecret wrote: »

There is no need to rant at me over the internet, I am just looking for advice. Are you trying to imply that I am over strung or over bearing based on an anonymous post on the internet, when you know absolutly nothing about me? Cheers.

Ignore them man. The internet has given people the ability to act like self rightous arseholes for years now. Boards is no exception.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I don't think its real anger you feel for her, just pissed off she didn't turn out to be what you intially expected.

You get chatting, think she's really cool, manage to get a kiss, think its unique then BAM no sorry she does this with every guy she meets.

So you go from feeling special and excited to being taken for a fool and excitement of someone you actually liked taken away. That sucks.

Best forget about her.

Completely agree with this.

I've been down this road before. It isn't a nice feeling when you meet someone and think that something could be brewing, then find out that she just used you for an ego boost. When you take off the rose tinted glasses, she might not seem like such a lovely person.

I reckon that's another reason why you're a little pissed off about it actually. She isn't the person she painted herself out to be. Someone who leads people on and cheats...not really the actions of a "lovely person".

Chalk it up to experience mate. You are entitled to your opinions on people (and from what I can see, they aren't without reason). So just avoid her. Problem solved

PK2008

I dont think this is a the old double standard (promiscuous man= hero, promiscuous woman =slut) argument.

I think your problem OP is jealousy of a person who is in control of their sexuality. Not only is this woman able to have sex with the people she wants but she is also comfortable enough with herself not to feel any shame/guilt about it.

Ive seen this in both men and women though more so in women. I think your resentment stems from the fact that you believe sticking to a certain moral code regarding sex should reap happiness and those who dont have some kind of 'problem' so this womans lifestyle conflicts with your own sense of whats 'right and wrong'.

The reason you hit if off with her is because she is a confident person in control of her sexuality, free from the constraints of others judgement - all of the things maybe you are not?

eternal

Considering she has made no effort to want to be in a relationship with you ,Id forget about it .She sounds like she makes a fool out of men anyway

flowerchild

She sounds just fine. Maybe just be aware that you care what others think, and that is a potential vulnerability in choosing who to see/go out with/marry.

The best life partner may not be the tight-kneed virgin. She may turn out to be a bundle of self-centredness. And this girl may turn out to be loyal and lovely.

Things are not always as they first seem.

tan11ie

Ok so she dosen't fit the bill of what you wanted her to be...well let me tell you that no one ever is!! If her behavior bothers you that much I'd encourage you so stay away as you might feel the need to throw it back at her at some stage.

Remember she is young and enjoying her life, so what if she is playing the field a little...she has her whole life ahead of her for all that settled down and faithful carry on. She may well be a totally different person within a few years time....remember that we are not all what everyone else wants us to be;)

effluent

Hmmm...

It would be very interesting to see how different some of the responses would be if the op was a woman.:rolleyes:

If she has a repution, and if these are reliable, that she cheats with partners than it is likely that this will repeat very often again. That is obvious, and this is why you haven't made a move since your last incounter perhaps?

You say you have strong feelings for her and that you meet her very often? Chances are she has picked up on these subtle signals and has no interest in having a relationship with you perhabs?

Plenty more fish in the sea, there is need no to get so hung up over one girl...

Vicxas

I suggest you back away, this girl is only gonna caus you trouble. even if you two get together, you'd probably be paranoid that she was seeing other people behind your back. Is that a healthy relationship?

flowerchild

Vicxas wrote: »

I suggest you back away, this girl is only gonna caus you trouble. even if you two get together, you'd probably be paranoid that she was seeing other people behind your back. Is that a healthy relationship?

She might teach you new tricks. Now wouldn't that be fun...

HugoDrax

There is a terrible double standard here.
I have often kissed a dozen women on a night out and I have often slept with scores of women during a month.
Why should a girl feel guilty about doing the same thing?
She is a healthy young woman who loves men and she can do what she likes.
The people knocking her perhaps should learn a thing or two from her.

OP if you like this girl tell her how you feel and if you want an exclusive relationship tell her. If she's not interested - big deal - just go and meet some other girl.

greengiant09

HugoDrax wrote: »

There is a terrible double standard here.
I have often kissed a dozen women on a night out and I have often slept with scores of women during a month.
Why should a girl feel guilty about doing the same thing?
She is a healthy young woman who loves men and she can do what she likes.
The people knocking her perhaps should learn a thing or two from her.

OP if you like this girl tell her how you feel and if you want an exclusive relationship tell her. If she's not interested - big deal - just go and meet some other girl.

what exactly is the double standard here?? as a bloke i never kissed a dozen women on a nite out and i would find it odd that any bloke would find the need to. but you're entitled to do whatever you want.....and i'm fully entitled to judge you for it....as long as i keep my opinions to myself.

no one is trying to make the girl feel guilty....she can do what she wants. i really don't understand how some people can't see it's prefectly normal and understandable to judge someone on their behaviour. especially a potential partner. we actually do it everyday...you do as well...probably in different ways but nonetheless you make judgements on people all the time.

it would be a double standard if the op was doing exacty what the girl in question is doing and then making moral judgements...but from what he's said, that isn't the case.

lynsalot

Hi OP,

I think you're surprised that you kinda fell for this girl. Because perhaps her reputation clouds her real personality. You have a stereotype built up in your mind that she's a slut and couldn't possibly value a relationship.

The thing is though that in relationships we have to be open and accomodating. No one is perfect and we all have pasts. Another poster said ask her out if she says no then leave it. Why don't u see how the friendship develops. Perhaps then you'll have some insight into how she apparently acts.

If you get to know her better you'll make a more informed decision. You could find that there's plenty reason for her behaviour, or that your opinions on it change.

You might surprise yourself

Amy_1

I am quite shocked by the responses posted, so of course I had to post a comment. In my opinion, there are two kind of women. Mature women ( character-wise not necessarily age-wise) that take responsibility for their actions, exhibit financial and emotional independence, and take confidence and pride in themselves and their values . These women don’t hide behind the excuse of depression, drunkenness, etc., but rather they take responsibility for their own actions. On the other hand, immature females act on their impulses unable or unwilling to take account of any long-term consequences. Deep down they are insecure and lack confidence, hence they seek the attention of others to fill the void. See mature women don’t need the attention because they realize and value themselves; thus, they don’t require validation from others. Unfortunately, the female you have described is the latter.
You are right the female you have described probably does not have any girlfriend or wife potential based on the behavior she has exhibited. Respect, trust, and love are not simply given, they must be earned. Be very skeptical of those who tell you otherwise. We are the direct product of our actions.
It sounds like she has lots of growing up to do, while you are years ahead of her in the maturity department. It is not that she is too good for you, frankly it sounds like you are too good for her. It may be hard to grasp with all of the negativity in the posts below ,but guys like you are hard to find. This is why all of them want you to give her a chance. From personal experience, a guy with your level of maturity would definitely catch my eye. However, it will be pretty hard for her to find a guy like you, while doing what she is doing. More girls than you might think practice self-restrained and instead channel their energy on academics or career. Most of my friends are still girls- have not been active sexually, naturally beautiful (7 to 9), nice and sweet, and have full scholarships to undergrad-grad schools and most don't get asked by guys or have boyfriends. Most of them will tell you it is not because they are looking for Mr. Charming, but Mr. Personality. They want to date a mature guy, who sees them as a person and not simply as a sex object. Yes, some girls are able to tell the difference early on-they don't need to sleep with the guy to know.
BTW all of my male friends who exhibit respect, maturity, and self-restraint get taken the fastest (mostly long term relationships). So, there is definitely hope for you. Believe in yourself and stand up for your values. If you do, I bet you won't just find a pretty face, but also an intellect and loyalty to match.
Good luck,
Amy

Ickle Magoo

As OP hasn't posted in this thread since March and we're now nearly in June - I think it's safe to say they got what they wanted from it and it should be left to die a natural death.

I see you are new to Boards Amy_1, could I ask that you take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter, if you haven't already.

Many thanks.