Should I leave him?

b743k

I've been with my boyfriend for over four years and I'm crazy about him. He's a wonderful boyfriend in so many ways, kind, caring, smart, funny. We have a fantastic relationship except for one big issue, kids.
I really want kids in the future but he never has. He recently moved slightly on the issue and said that I could have kids but they'd be my responsibility solely.
I don't think that that's a healthy situation for kids to have a father who lives with them but basically doesn't care or interact with them.
Should I leave him?

LegacyUser

Yes. You should leave him.
You can't be wasting your life waiting for him to change his mind, when he probably never will.
<snip>

seenitall

OP, if that's your idea of a kind and caring guy (not to mention SMART ), I'd hate to see your idea of an unkind and stupid guy.

You know that you and any kids you want in your future deserve much, much better than the half-baked idea he's come up with. Unfortunately, with having children, there can be no compromise between the two visions: you either want children or you don't. You do, and he doesn't, so it's crunch time, I guess. Sorry. (But you seem to know it, anyway.)

Best wishes for the future.

LegacyUser

My cousins' husband had the same spiel for years (incl barely allowing children into their house for fear they'd wreck the sofas), when he relented and had his own child, he became a changed man- light in the head about the baby. So your bf's attitude may change without him even realising it.
What's your bf's big hangup about kids? Had he a bad relationship with his own father, or could he just not be bothered with the effort of them?
Does he not think it a bit unfair, on both you and any potential children, that he bails out on any interaction/responsibility? It's a bit of a Catch22 for you, he's saying he's willing to make the comprimise of having kids, but basically that he intends on only being the sperm donor. Motherhood will change you, if not him. If he makes a conscious decision not to partake in the process, your relationship will gradually wither away. It's no fun being a lone parent, even more so when the father is in the same house as you.
Tread carefully, think about things, consider councelling.

Chucky the tree

What age is the guy?

b743k

Chucky the tree wrote: »

What age is the guy?

39

Chucky the tree

b743k wrote: »

39

Time to pack up and leave unless you'd be happy to go alone with his proposal.

b743k

I'm being told by his friends that he'll change his mind but he's adament that he won't.
He is geniunely kind to me and smart he just knows that kids aren't for him.
I don't think that this option of his would work in practice if I'm honest so I'm probably answering my own question here.
It's just that the thought of leaving him is heartbreaking.

b743k

aldgkajd wrote: »

My cousins' husband had the same spiel for years (incl barely allowing children into their house for fear they'd wreck the sofas), when he relented and had his own child, he became a changed man- light in the head about the baby. So your bf's attitude may change without him even realising it.
What's your bf's big hangup about kids? Had he a bad relationship with his own father, or could he just not be bothered with the effort of them?
Does he not think it a bit unfair, on both you and any potential children, that he bails out on any interaction/responsibility? It's a bit of a Catch22 for you, he's saying he's willing to make the comprimise of having kids, but basically that he intends on only being the sperm donor. Motherhood will change you, if not him. If he makes a conscious decision not to partake in the process, your relationship will gradually wither away. It's no fun being a lone parent, even more so when the father is in the same house as you.
Tread carefully, think about things, consider councelling.

His relationship with both parents seem fine. It's the effort of it all and changing his life that he doesn't want. If I'm honest I'd only continue in the hope that he'd change his mind but if he doesn't then that'd be a serious risk and selfish of me really to not let my kids have a father the way that I had.
My dad is a big part of my life which makes it harder to imagine this situation.

seenitall

b743k wrote: »

I'm being told by his friends that he'll change his mind but he's adament that he won't.
He is geniunely kind to me and smart he just knows that kids aren't for him.
I don't think that this option of his would work in practice if I'm honest so I'm probably answering my own question here.
It's just that the thought of leaving him is heartbreaking.

OP, sorry if I came across as a bit harsh in my earlier post; it's just my 2 cents.

I believe it would be a big, big risk for you to take him up on his "offer", perhaps secretly hoping that he will change his mind along the way and become a loving and involved father... It could happen I suppose, but I do think it is more likely, by the sound of him, that he would feel trapped in an untenable situation and resentful over it, and you would have every possibility of ending up a single mother down the line.

The bottom line is: you want more than he is offering, and you deserve more than he is offering. Gambling on someone's change of heart would be a reckless game. That's all.

b743k

seenitall wrote: »

OP, sorry if I came across as a bit harsh in my earlier post; it's just my 2 cents.

I believe it would be a big, big risk for you to take him up on his "offer", perhaps secretly hoping that he will change his mind along the way and become a loving and involved father... It could happen I suppose, but I do think it is more likely, by the sound of him, that he would feel trapped in an untenable situation and resentful over it, and you would have every possibility of ending up a single mother down the line.

The bottom line is: you want more than he is offering, and you deserve more than he is offering. Gambling on someone's change of heart would be a reckless game. That's all.

No, you weren't harsh. I would probably think the same thing if I saw my post as an outsider.

I think that keeping relationships/marriages together are hard enough with kids when both parties want them so you're probably right.

We started talking about marriage a few months ago and this is when the 'arrangement' came up but it's not enough for me if it doesn't change.

fghijkl

What's your bf's big hangup about kids? Had he a bad relationship with his own father, or could he just not be bothered with the effort of them?

ehh what? some people just aren't maternal/paternal and don't want kids end of.
That doesn't mean there's something wrong with them. It's not about analysing his past or implying he's lazy. Some people just don't want kids, they don't have that parental drive in them, that doesn't make them "wrong" or "broken".

If I'm honest I'd only continue in the hope that he'd change his mind but if he doesn't then that'd be a serious risk and selfish of me really to not let my kids have a father the way that I had.
My dad is a big part of my life which makes it harder to imagine this situation.

Op i'm sorry but he's told you he doesn't want kids. He's 39, it's not as if he's 25/26 and terrified of change/commitment. He's lived the majority of his life, he knows his mind.

We started talking about marriage a few months ago and this is when the 'arrangement' came up but it's not enough for me if it doesn't change.

But what is there to change? He really can't make it any clearer tbh. It's really not something you can compromise on. At the end of the day someone either wants kids or they don't. He doesn't. sorry if that sounds harsh.

b743k

But what is there to change? He really can't make it any clearer tbh. It's really not something you can compromise on. At the end of the day someone either wants kids or they don't. He doesn't. sorry if that sounds harsh.[/QUOTE]

I agree and it is simply that he doesn't want kids rather than some unresolved issue he has.

I tried to leave because of it last year. (I'm younger than him so it wasn't an issue before). He talked me out of leaving saying that he was crazy about me and that we were great together and could work something out.

He hadn't wanted marriage either but said that if it made me happy and kept us together he would and then suggested the me do the kids thing idea.

LegacyUser

Yes. wrote: »

Yes. You should leave him.
You can't be wasting your life waiting for him to change his mind, when he probably never will.
<snip>

Sorry Zaph for calling the Op's boyfriend a bad word, but that is what his "suggestion" made him sound like to me.
I probably should have explained why though, instead of just calling him a name.
His idea of a compromise is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read.
I don't want kids and neither does my boyfriend. I don't think we are as rock solid on the decision as her boyfriend though.
Her boyfriend IS rock solid on this decision at the minute, and is very likely to remain that way for life. There is nothing wrong with not wanting children.
What is wrong though is coming out with lines like okay I'll relent but "they'd be your responsibility only". That is a ****ty thing to say.
Imagine if my boyfriend suddenly changed his minds and wanted kids, and I turned around and said, "ok, I'll have a baby, but it will be solely your responsibility,I'm handing it over to you, and I won't want anything to do with it", it's just a bloody crazy thing to say!

If you don't want kids, and your partner does, there is no way of "fixing" that.
You leave each other free to find people who actually do want the same things in life, not start coming out with weird, unrealistic compromises like the one suggested.

Tbh OP I can't believe you are even contemplating this idea!
Also to quote you: "He hadn't wanted marriage either but said that if it made me happy and kept us together he would and then suggested the me do the kids thing idea."

So ok, not only does this man not want to have children (which is perfectly ok), he also doesn't want to get married (which is also ok),
but wait - he's willing to do it anyway just to "keep you happy?!"

OP, this is not enough. You shouldn't have to talk people into doing these things your way, or keep hoping that they change their mind.
If you want kids and marriage, then find somebody who actually WANTS these things too.
Why settle for someone, who has very openly told you that they do NOT want kids or marriage, and are basically only doing it to shut you up, so that you can both stay together.
Do you not think you would much happier with someone, who of their own free will actually choose to want to marry you, and someone who also wanted kids like you do?

If/when you choose to leave him over this, I can actually see him turning around and pretending that he has changed his mind, and will try his best to be a good father and make it work.
I wouldn't listen to it OP, he obviously only agrees to these things like marriage and children when he thinks he is going to lose you, so might say things he doesn't mean in order to keep you.
I mean ffs, he has already agreed to marriage and having kids just to please you, so the next step is that he will pretend he would try to be a good dad if it means keeping you.
It's obvious that he wants YOU, but you know yourself OP that he does not want children or marriage, because he basically told you already.
It would not be fair if you try to get him to agree with these things just because you want them, and it is also not fair for him to just keep doing things to please you like marriage, or telling you what you want to hear if he really doesn't mean them.
I can't see your present relationship working without at least one of you ending up feeling bitter and resentful.

Taltos

Op I am the same age (well close) as your partner and also do not want kids.
Having told you he doesn't want them or if you have them here is what could happen.
1. It all works out and his personality and feelings all change.
2. He does what he says and ignores them. You and they grow to hate him.
3. He leaves you for someone else as he hates them, the responsibility and maybe even the mother you become.

I am a friend

Why is the subject of marriage only coming up after 4 years? Anyway, you could leave this guy and maybe never meet anyone else or meet someone and fall in love and you / they can't have kids...

There are no certainties in life and I think the hardest thing is to find a good partner. You have him and your compromise may be that he is not as into your kids as you wish (I think that could change) but he is the man for you. It's better than having kids with a man who is not for you

LittleBook

b743k wrote: »

I tried to leave because of it last year. (I'm younger than him so it wasn't an issue before). He talked me out of leaving saying that he was crazy about me and that we were great together and could work something out

This is his idea of "working something out":

b743k wrote: »

He recently moved slightly on the issue and said that I could have kids but they'd be my responsibility solely ... a father who lives with them but basically doesn't care or interact with them.

I think you know what you have to do. So sorry OP.

Angeles

Hi Op,
Sorry to hear about your predicament, unfortunately these things tend to be deal breakers, i know most couples compromise by trying to work around a year or 2, The lets see how things go, maybe feelings will change, but in these cases they usually have the time.

4 years together is a long time, long enough to have these things out in the open, at 39 one would assume their priority's are in order, ie. prepared to be married or not, have a family, kids or not.
You can very likely assume none of these already made decisions in his head are going to change anytime soon.

As you OH is 39, would i be right in assuming you yourself are in your 30's?
Hate to point this out, but its you who's on the clock when it comes to this and not him. The longer you let this linger on, the less likely you yourself will be able to have children and the more likely you will end up resenting him for the rest of your life when your time comes to pass.

Time to bite the bullet on this one op, you need to make it clear to yourself and him that this is a deal breaker, if he's still unwilling, there are plenty out there who will be, best of luck.

I am a friend

Angeles wrote: »

, if he's still unwilling, there are plenty out there who will be

Not necessarily and especially if the OP is in her 30's. She may give up this guy, who she loves in order to get back out there and meet all these guys people keep saying are out there who want to have kids.. Its not that easy and she may never meet someone fullstop never mind someone who wants to have kids with her...

I thought the same, then met this guy who I was head over heels in love with and had the chat with him about kids early on. We were in agreement we both wanted kids but he was lying and he wasted 2 years of my time (now late 30's) cos he didnt want to lose me...

There are no guarantees she will meet someone so you should not be indicating that its as simple as just dumping her bf and picking up the next guy who comes along.

b743k

Thanks everyone for the input, I seriously appreciate it.

I'm in my 20s but 30 isn't that far off which is why it is make or break now. If I leave I want to have enough time to get back out there rather than staying to a point where I saw no option.

@I am a friend, I appreciate your comments and to be honest this is probably what I hoped to hear but I think that I'm edging towards the majority and realising that it's not fair on anyone involved to keep going.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I recently broke up with boyfriend regarding the same thing. For me it was the dealbreaker. I was prepared to try and work on it and was hoping he would come around. He on the other hand didnt want to waste my time so broke it off. I was obviously heartbroken, still am i suppose. As upset as I was and am, a weight has lifted from my shoulders. I felt that at 28 I should be with someone who was as excited about having kids as me and he never had that excitement. I know feel like a different person, didn't realise how much is was weighing on my shoulders. I'm looking forward to meeting someone who wants what I want now..:).This was only 3 weeks ago so it is still very fresh in my mind.

You deserve everything you want in life so dont compromise. Men come and go, heartbreak heals so dont be afraid. You know what you want so dont settle for anything less. I wish you all the best and remember your not on your own. x

k4899g

To see if he really would change his mind if it happens tell him that you're pregnant and judge his reaction. If he's totally against it tell he that it was a test and leave. If hes excited or happy then you know that he will be in the future. Risky but youve nothing to lose if you are planning on leaving now

b743k

foryou wrote: »

Hi OP,

I recently broke up with boyfriend regarding the same thing. For me it was the dealbreaker. I was prepared to try and work on it and was hoping he would come around. He on the other hand didnt want to waste my time so broke it off. I was obviously heartbroken, still am i suppose. As upset as I was and am, a weight has lifted from my shoulders. I felt that at 28 I should be with someone who was as excited about having kids as me and he never had that excitement. I know feel like a different person, didn't realise how much is was weighing on my shoulders. I'm looking forward to meeting someone who wants what I want now..:).This was only 3 weeks ago so it is still very fresh in my mind.

You deserve everything you want in life so dont compromise. Men come and go, heartbreak heals so dont be afraid. You know what you want so dont settle for anything less. I wish you all the best and remember your not on your own. x

Thanks, sorry for your breakup but very glad to hear that you're relieved by the situation at the same time. I'm about the same age and it's something that is really weighing on me now too. Career wise a baby can't really be on the cards for about 3/4 years but there's no point in prolonging the situation until then as if I leave him then it'll be a few years before I'm in the situation personally to have kids with someone if ever so I need to decide now, stay or leave.

He says that most guys don't really want kids and that he shouldn't be punished for being honest. I don't believe that that is the case as I know loads of guys who do.

b743k

k4899g wrote: »

To see if he really would change his mind if it happens tell him that you're pregnant and judge his reaction. If he's totally against it tell he that it was a test and leave. If hes excited or happy then you know that he will be in the future. Risky but youve nothing to lose if you are planning on leaving now

I don't think that I could do that tbh

Taltos

I know plenty of guys who are dying to have kids. FGS in my family - I am totally against it for many reasons, my younger brother has been dying to have a family since he was in his twenties - now in his late thirties and still waiting - no idea if he has had the chat with his OH but I hope he has...

You are spot on about not pulling a stunt like above. Look chances are if kids are this important to you - more important than a life with this guy it is already over and he knows it - just is hoping that you might change your mind... But can you - if there is a chance that in 20 or 30 yrs when he is close to retiring that you will resent him for the choice he made - I guess for being him - then why go there.

Have one last talk - let him know that as much as you love him kids are just too important to you and you have to move on... This he might change his mind bull - I guess some people do change their minds - I know I do all the time about what socks to wear - but children - never, not even in a moment of weakness would I want a kid.

LegacyUser

b743k wrote: »

Thanks, sorry for your breakup but very glad to hear that you're relieved by the situation at the same time. I'm about the same age and it's something that is really weighing on me now too. Career wise a baby can't really be on the cards for about 3/4 years but there's no point in prolonging the situation until then as if I leave him then it'll be a few years before I'm in the situation personally to have kids with someone if ever so I need to decide now, stay or leave.

He says that most guys don't really want kids and that he shouldn't be punished for being honest. I don't believe that that is the case as I know loads of guys who do.

As a guy, who is around an awful lot of other guys the majority of my time, I can honestly tell you that the overwhelming majority of men do not actually want children themselves and most see it as a concession. That, or their gf gets pregnant and they're afraid of looking bad by walking away from the situation.

It's rare that I meet a guy who genuinely wants to have kids, the only one's I've heard talk positively about the situation are men who already have had a kid or are shortly going to, either because their girlfriend is demanding one or they're already pregnant.

Personally I don't see much wrong with the proposal by your boyfriend. You're clearly in love with him, he's clearly in love with you. He'd rather you two spent the rest of your days enjoying life together, you'd rather you did so with children involved. However, he doesn't really want children so proposed a compromise in that you get what you want (children) without burdening him with something he doesn't particularly want (children) so much.

However, you've obviously known that he doesn't want kids for some time now, so I'm not entirely sure what you were expecting? For him to give in and just do what you want, like a lot of men end up doing, much to their own misery? He's a grown man and knows what he wants and to be honest, if you couldn't have accepted that then you should have left him much earlier in the relationship. Why are women so desperate to try to change men, that they'd jeopardize their own happiness in order to "win"?

I think you need to reflect on why you stayed with him despite knowing he didn't want children, which conflicted with your own hopes. You obviously had a good reason, unless you genuinely just thought he'd change for you, which again is pretty shady at best. However, if you did genuinely have a good reason, think of that reason and think about how your future will play out if you go against this reason and end the relationship.

You could try and get a better compromise in place I think, he might be willing to budge. You could offer that he doesn't have to be involved in disciplining the child, changing its dirty nappies or the like, feeding it etc unless he genuinely wants to, and in return all he has to do is be there for the kid, play with it, help it with its homework and whatever else. In short, you'll do all the "mothering" of the child and he'll retain the father/role model figure in the kids life so that they've a normal upbringing.

LittleBook

b743k wrote: »

He says that most guys don't really want kids and that he shouldn't be punished for being honest. I don't believe that that is the case as I know loads of guys who do.

I agree with you, there are plenty of men who DO want kids.

And he's not being "punished for being honest", he's not being punished at all. But he can't expect you to stay in a relationship where your visions of and hopes for the future are so different.

trio

In my experience, whether you're a man or a woman, by the age of 39 you pretty much know if you would like kids or not.

My husband is 39 and doesn't want any - never has. There's nothing wrong with his upbringing and he gets on fantastic with his folks - it's not some psychological issue.

It's just a preference. Luckily, I match him in that regard - I have zero interest also, and just like him, it's not because of some dark family upbringing. And we discussed it very early on.

We have had a ton of people over the years putting pressure on us to change our minds. A TON of people saying "Ah sure, if you had one you'd feel differently".

I feel like saying "Oh yeah? And what happens if we have a kid and DON'T?? And we resent it? Will YOU take it and raise it, oh so helpful and concerned friend of mine??! It's a damn risky experiment to make - just cos you don't think we know our own minds when we're hitting bloody forty years old!"

Basically what I'm saying is - it's a bloody dangerous game just waiting for someone to change their mind, or presuming that someone will turn into a devoted Dad just cos you ended up talking him into it.

Having kids is a crucial issue for people. It's crucial that you have them, and it's crucial for him that he doesn't. This is not something that you can compromise on. You can't have half a kid. And realistically, you cannot have a kid and be a single mother whilst still living with him. Your relationship will suffer terribly, with resentments on both sides.

He says that most guys don't really want kids and that he shouldn't be punished for being honest. I don't believe that that is the case as I know loads of guys who do.

I don't understand this bit - are you saying that since you know loads of guys who do want kids, that he's some wierd exception? What does it matter anyway? He's been very plain. What difference does it make whether he's an oddity or not, you know???

It doesn't matter if 99.9% of men want kids and he's so rare that scientists want to study him! He still doesn't want them. Ever. It's the end of the story. You have to find someone else who matches you, and that's it, I'm afraid.

Rufus the brave

OP, if I was you I wouldn't be listening to any of the above advice. Just go ahead and have the kids, you don't need to ask an internet forum for stuff like that. If he doesn't interact with them, then just ask him to move out and arrange the child support etc. He will soon change his tune.

Taltos

Rufus the brave wrote: »

OP, if I was you I wouldn't be listening to any of the above advice. Just go ahead and have the kids, you don't need to ask an internet forum for stuff like that. If he doesn't interact with them, then just ask him to move out and arrange the child support etc. He will soon change his tune.

Great suggestion. Go ahead and fall pregnant and then wonder why he left you. I would... (leave that is).

detoxkid

OP I was in the same situation as you with a guy for 6 years. We got on fantastic but we'd end up having the same argument about kids. He never changed. When I broke up with him it was so hard, it's so difficult to leave someone you are still in love with so I can understand your reluctance. He was all about the babies then, but for all the wrong reasons. Fast forward a few years and I am with someone who can't wait to have kids. I'd advise you to move on, however hard.

b743k

I don't understand this bit - are you saying that since you know loads of guys who do want kids, that he's some wierd exception? What does it matter anyway? He's been very plain. What difference does it make whether he's an oddity or not, you know???

It doesn't matter if 99.9% of men want kids and he's so rare that scientists want to study him! He still doesn't want them. Ever. It's the end of the story. You have to find someone else who matches you, and that's it, I'm afraid.[/QUOTE]

No, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with not wanting kids and just said that I don't think that nearly all guys don't want to as he thinks.

b743k

Thanks detox kid, good to hear from people who did it and it was right for them.

Daisy M

I respect your boyfriends choice not to want kids its not for everyone and it is not a "wrong" choice. However I do question how a kind caring smart guy can come up with the solution that ye have kids but he has nothing to do with them or their upbringing. The idea of that alone makes me feel sick. He has a good relationship with his parents which makes it even more ludicrous that he would suggest its ok to have children live in the same house as them and basically have no dealings with them. Can he not picture how soul destroying this would be for you and the children, daddy loves mummy but he doesnt love us? Tbh your bf sounds selfish to even suggest that and it really doesnt make him sound like a nice caracter. The compromise if you could call that is to suit him with no regard for you and any future children.
Parenting is tough, lone parenting even tougher, and I would safely say parenting with someone who has no interest, no interaction, and will not help out at all must be the toughest of them all. Its very possible that if ye had a baby the paternal instinct would kick in and your bf would make a great dad, but if it didnt life would be hell.
I think you have made the right decision and I hope you meet someone who will want kids as much as you do and when you become pregnant it will be a happy excitement filled time rather than one filled with doubt and uncertainty. Best of luck op.

b743k

I think you have made the right decision and I hope you meet someone who will want kids as much as you do and when you become pregnant it will be a happy excitement filled time rather than one filled with doubt and uncertainty. Best of luck op.[/QUOTE]


That's exactly what I want, I just wish that it could have been with him.

mood

I would leave if I were you. The alternative is never have kids or have kids with him that he doesn't want and will possibly never love or spent time with!!! Imagine how this could mess kids up! It would be very wrong to bring kids into such a situation.

Oryx

I think youve had some really good advice here, even though its probably hard advice. I just want to reiterate that his 'compromise' is not something that will work in practice, and Im sure he already knows that. Even without considering the feelings of the child involved, living with a man who wont help out and who will tell you, when you are under pressure with your child, that 'it was your decision to have it', will kill your relationship. It simply cannot work, at all.

You cant change him, and the compromise is unworkable, so you have two choices. Change yourself, or leave him. The first would be wrong, the second will be hard.

b743k

I suppose I have to think in terms of not if we'll end but when as this situation in reality would be unworkable. At least if I leave now it's just both of us getting hurt but if we split after starting a family then it will be a broken family, upset kid(s) and grandparents and everyone else. Too big a risk.

There's just a part of me saying to myself that he would be a good dad if it happened, he's good with his nieces and nephews but he doesn't see them often so small dosses isn't the same as full time I know.

I have to go with my head over my heart on this I think.

Stu

OP, how many kids do you want to have? Do you think he might compromise on having 1 kid and then then getting the snip. Its a really tough situation for you but if he won't entertain the idea of having any children then you will have to move on.

I as a 33 year old male definately don't want children for the foreseeable future and most of my mates could take it or leave it. Sure my own dad told me once that he only tolerated us (his 3 children) because they were his :eek: and from a young age i got a sense that we were a nuisance to him and he would rather my mother deal with us. It caused a lot of tension between my parents because my dad would never take us anywhere or play with us and he only ever showed us any affection when he had a few drinks on him. Trust me, you don't ever want to end up in that situation.

A child deserves to have 2 committed parents who both adore their child, god knows there are enough single parent families out there and without a good male role model to look up to, a lot of children grow up unhappy and disillusioned.

Even today, my dad still won't play with me. Sometimes when i visit him, i chase him around the room making whooping noises but he doesn't like it lol, only kidding but seriously, find a man who actually likes children, they are out there.

b743k

Ideally I'd like 3 but I think that with timing and costs and all I will go with 2. I wouldn't want to have just one, I come from a big family and I know that I'd hate to be an only child not just for the playing when younger but for the support and friendship and nieces and nephews when adults.

Sorry to hear about your dad. It's that type of situation that i want to avoid. My dad was opposite, always really involved and we always felt loved but I don't think that I'll get that from him.

bubblebrain

Hi there,

My boyfriend and I recently split over the same issue and it stings. It's not like I wanted kids for sure BUT I just didn't want anyone telling me that it was not going to be an option for me. He has a child from a previous relationship and I really admire him as he really stepped up to the mark with his child. However, it was a bit upsetting for me when he admitted that his reasons for never wanting another one was that they would ruin his retirement plans as he wants to retire early. He's in his early 30's! I'm actually in no rush to have children. I think idealistically if I were to have one, career-wise it couldn't happen for another 5 years or so for me. I'm in my late 20's.

So we broke up. Who knows, I may not even be able to have children but I felt that I could not live with that constriction and that we would end up resenting each other for wanting polar opposite lives. Other than the kids issue, we were actually well matched!?!

It can be so hard to walk away from someone you care about especially when you're walking into the abyss never knowing if you'll actually find what you're looking for. I guess if I had to give advice to you it would be to make sure you feel strong enough to walk if you decide to.

I guess I was lucky as my ex decided to turn into a class A pratt about the situation and decided to treat me as if I was something easily disposed of. I was the one who suggested breaking up first as I was beginning to see this relationship lasting the distance - I suppose with all his talk of our future together, I was getting sucked in!!!!! Of course, when I suggested breaking up, he was having none of it and then when he had a chance to assess the situation, he decided to dump me by text message! I tried calling to talk it out, but he basically shooed me out the door and treated me as if I was wasting his time. I can genuinely respect his decision not to want children, but I can't respect him for being a mannerless pratt.

Although, I miss the friendship part of the relationship terribly, I have to admit that I think we made the right decision as if I ever do get pregnant, like one of the above posts says, I want it to be with someone who is excited about it. My sister got pregnant last year and she was initially upset as it wasn't planned but her boyfriend was over the moon for them and he assured her things would be great and they are!

From looking at their situation and at my own upbringing, one lesson that I've learned is that at the end of the day family counts. Maybe I'm the selfish one but I think the thought of dying alone without a family sounds sad. I THINK I would like to have the opportunity to experience this life adventure, as that's what life is: an adventure!

I guess, I would like to thank you for initially posting as it's comforting to know that others are in the same position.

Best of luck!

b743k

Thanks for your post. I'd no idea that it was an issue for so many other people out there but it's good to hear that people have done it and gotten through it. However daunting it seems now I just have to keep the good times in mind.

I'm like you with seeing others being great dads; my cousins and their husbands, no friends yet but I've plenty looking forward to it. It's the kind of partner I want to be with I just hate that it's not him.

A crystal ball would be so helpful now but only time will tell if I find someone to start a family with.

mood

OP I think the sooner you end the relationship the better. The sooner it's over the sooner you can start to move on and hopefully meet someone you love who wants the same things as you do.

LegacyUser

My husband didn't want kids either but now is a great dad. You said that he's good with his nieces and nephews, don't write off a good relationship, they're hard to find.

b743k

bvuyklfvgkl wrote: »

My husband didn't want kids either but now is a great dad. You said that he's good with his nieces and nephews, don't write off a good relationship, they're hard to find.

But if this doesn't happen then it'd be my own fault for going ahead. Very risky.

Taltos

bvuyklfvgkl wrote: »

My husband didn't want kids either but now is a great dad. You said that he's good with his nieces and nephews, don't write off a good relationship, they're hard to find.

I am great with my nephews and nieces.
My whole family still tell me I would make a great dad.
I know 100% I would not.
Rather than inflict a child with me as a father I would leave my wife and while I would support her financially as dictated by the courts I know I could not be there as a father for the child.

OP - be very very careful. Accidents might work for some, but for someone like me it would be the ultimate betrayal and the end of the relationship.

I still suggest that if children are that important to you and your OH is adamant they are off the cards you would be better off leaving. There is nothing stopping you from having a child alone, just weigh up the consequences for the child growing up without a dad.

b743k

Taltos wrote: »

OP - be very very careful. Accidents might work for some, but for someone like me it would be the ultimate betrayal and the end of the relationship.

No, an 'accident' isn't on the cards.

LegacyUser

hey OP,

I think you should start planning leaving. If he has given you an ultimatum then you dont have much choice. I would call him out on it and say ok, if thats the case then i have to go and try with someone else who does want kids. I think its a selfish thing on his part, not because he doesnt want to be a father but because you want to be a mother. He is leaving you to deal with the whole problem as if its just your problem, he should be more sensitive to you and your needs in the relationship.

As hard as it would be i would start making plans to get out! See what happens then when you take control of your future, maybe he will change his mind at the thoughts of loosing you. It seems he has all the say in the relationship at the moment.

Bride2012

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Oryx

Bride2012 this is not your personal soap opera so don't ever ask for updates to threads here.