Should I keep going out with a genuinely nice guy that i'm unsure about?

girl27

Hi everyone,

I just need a bit of advice and figured this is as good a place as any. I've recently started going out with a new guy who is really sweet, romantic, pays me loads of compliments, and buys me thoughtful gifts etc He is doing everything that i thought i always wanted a guy to do but there just seems to be something missing for me and i do fancy him but he is just not my normal type and i don't know if that is the reason either??

Please help!! Am i just being too picky??

Any advice appreciated!!

Ickle Magoo

Moved from tLL...this is the advice forum for all things relationship. :cool:

seenitall

OP, if there is "something missing" for you with a guy you just started going out with, I would say from my own experience that it is very unlikely it's gonna get any better, no matter how romantic and sweet he is.

But then again, that is just my view, as for me the attraction is either there or it isn't - end of story.

Perhaps you are the type who actually can have a guy "grow" on her? Only you can know that, so use your previous experience to help you judge whether it's a no-goer or a slow-burner.

Just be careful not to string him along out of loneliness/need for attention (for example).

Best wishes.

Emme

Sit down, write down the things you like about him on one side of a piece of paper and the things you don't like on the other. If there are more things you don't like than you like move on. If the good outweighs the bad it's worth giving him more time.

Scanlas The 2nd

girl27 wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I just need a bit of advice and figured this is as good a place as any. I've recently started going out with a new guy who is really sweet, romantic, pays me loads of compliments, and buys me thoughtful gifts etc He is doing everything that i thought i always wanted a guy to do but there just seems to be something missing for me and i do fancy him but he is just not my normal type and i don't know if that is the reason either??

Please help!! Am i just being too picky??

Any advice appreciated!!

What is it that is missing?

Is it just a vague feeling of something not being right?

Esoteric_

I'd say give it a little more time. When I was introduced to my current partner, he was keen on me from the start, asking me on a date almost immediately. I had my eye on somebody else at the time and was completely unsure, so I turned him down until I got to know him as a friend first. I ended up going on a date with him a short time later and while I enjoyed it a lot and he was perfect to me, I still wasn't 100% sure, something felt not quite right. I gave it some more time, a few more dates, some time chilling in his house (more intimate than sitting in a bar) and now, I don't know what I'd do without him. I'm absolutely mad about him and it's the best, happiest relationship I've ever had.

girl27

Thanks for all the responses!!!

@ Emme - I tried the list idea n it was helpful and i found tat the only thing i had on the bad side was that maybe i dont fancy him that much n i know tat sounds awful but i think u have to be attracted to someone too but maybe tat will come in time cos he ticks all the other boxes for me!!

@ Scanlas The 2nd - I think its just a vague feeling of being unsure whether he is for me or not does this make any sense?

@ LyndaMcL - i'm really glad it worked out for u n it gives me a bit of hope tat it will work out.

I think i'm just confused and unsure whether i fancy him or not but if this is the only problem maybe i should over look it???

Thanks again for all ye're help!!

LegacyUser

LyndaMcL wrote: »

I'd say give it a little more time. When I was introduced to my current partner, he was keen on me from the start, asking me on a date almost immediately. I had my eye on somebody else at the time and was completely unsure, so I turned him down until I got to know him as a friend first. I ended up going on a date with him a short time later and while I enjoyed it a lot and he was perfect to me, I still wasn't 100% sure, something felt not quite right. I gave it some more time, a few more dates, some time chilling in his house (more intimate than sitting in a bar) and now, I don't know what I'd do without him. I'm absolutely mad about him and it's the best, happiest relationship I've ever had.

I agree with this. I was... not 'unsure' of my boyfriend when we started going out, but he definitely liked me more than I liked him at the start. But I knew I enjoyed his company, he was great to be around, I fancied him, and I looked forward to seeing him... so I didn't overthink anything. And over a couple of months, I've come to realise that I'm pretty much in love with him at this stage

Sometimes there doesn't need to be fireworks and butterflies at the very start. They'll happen in time, if it's right

I am a friend

Definitely give him a go and try to stop over analysing. Also think of it this way - he is not your 'usual type' but then your usual types up to now have not worked out....

Good luck

LegacyUser

i dunno sounds like you want a guy who is a cool cat and not too nice as that turns you on....he is just being too nice to you by the sounds of it...don't string him along if you ain't being turned on.....its not fair...if you are unsure whether you fancy him, well you probably don't fancy him enough

solovely

Personally if the connection/ spark/ chemistry is not there, I couldn't take it any further. But it's up to you. I'm still single, so maybe the advice of the girls in LTRs with guys they weren't at first mad about is the better advice to take.

Just depends on how badly you need/ want a boyfriend, and how much you are willing to sacrifice to get it. I'd wait for as long as it took to find that "connection", but as I said, maybe that's my issue and maybe as a result I'll always be single (I'd rather be single than settle though....not saying at all that that's what the other posters did, or what you would be doing either. Big difference between settling and making a proper go of things, which it sounds like these people did)....

Micky 32

IMO this will never work. If you're not physically attracted to him it won't last and you will feel you are "settling" for him.

Do the guy a favour and let him go so he can find someone who will be crazy about him;)

Emme

Micky, I know that physical attraction and chemistry is very important for men but sometimes women will go for a nicer, less exciting guy over one who's hotter but isn't as nice.

I would advise the OP to give this guy a chance, it might be a slow burner and if he's crazy about her and treats her well that's sometimes better than her being crazy about someone who treats her badly. She may come to be equally mad about him in time.

Micky 32

Emme wrote: »

Micky, I know that physical attraction and chemistry is very important for men but sometimes women will go for a nicer, less exciting guy over one who's hotter but isn't as nice.

Men will do this too because like the woman she/he may have no other choice to go for someone less hot because the hot guy/girl won't be interested in the average looking guy/girl..

The girl going for the personality over the looks is a myth. Girls are no different than men when it comes to looks. The OP's post is a pure example what i'm talking about. "He ticks all the boxes" but she doesn't really fancy him that much.... I bet if she updated this post in 6 months time she probably won't even remember his name :rolleyes:

Yes, when a woman is looking for a man she will be more inclined to think what's he like as a person more than a man will about a woman BUT only if she is physically attracted to him because if he isn't attractive to her it doesn't matter how nice he is it will never last. That's my experience anyway.

Emme

Micky 32 wrote: »

Yes, when a woman is looking for a man she will be more inclined to think what's he like as a person more than a man will about a woman BUT only if she is physically attracted to him because if he isn't attractive to her it doesn't matter how nice he is it will never last. That's my experience anyway.

How is it then that you see so many average looking guys with stunning looking women? You often see guys with faces only a mammy would love (I'm not being horrible, just stating a fact) with stunning girlfriends. Lots of women put looks near the bottom of their list of priorities and for them attraction grows from other qualities.

I personally think that the OP is being too picky.

Micky 32

Emme wrote: »

You often see guys with faces only a mammy would love

The fact you just made that statement proves what i'm saying about women and looks, bear in mind though there seems to be different tastes in looks, the girl and the guy with the face a mammy would only love might think he's good looking....

I don't get this thing about ugly guys being with hot women. I never see this. I did see it once in KFC when eating some chicken. This guy about 65, grey, balding and not very good looking and a woman around 40-45 that was very attractive and all over each other.. It had me puzzled. But it all became clear. They drove off in a brand new top of the range Merc so go figure....

When i look at couples all i see is ugly with ugly, average with average and hot with hot... Ugly with hot is the exception and not the rule.

Now be honest Emme. Have you ever gone a date and the guy was really really nice but not attractive, did you continue the relationship and it develop into something nice? Be honest....

solovely

I personally think that the OP is being too picky.

You sound exactly like my mother...I hear that on a weekly basis.

And my response is I'd rather be picky than to settle.

I've gone on plenty of dates with guys who "tick all the boxes", are perfect and nice in every way, and I know life with them could be very pleasant and easy, but for me anyway, I just couldn't do it. There is pressure on women once we get to a certain age to settle for nice and "perfect", and not just from our mothers, you can see that by the reaction of other posters to the OP here.

OP, go with your gut. As Micky32 said

I bet if she updated this post in 6 months time she probably won't even remember his name

Emme

Micky 32 wrote: »

Now be honest Emme. Have you ever gone a date and the guy was really really nice but not attractive, did you continue the relationship and it develop into something nice? Be honest....

Yes. My first boyfriend was a few years older than me and I didn't really fancy him physically but he had a nice personality and we dated for a year before he finished it. I've gone out with a few guys who wouldn't be typically good looking.

To me "unattractive" means somebody with poor personal hygiene who stinks of BO, fags or both!

solovely wrote: »

There is pressure on women once we get to a certain age to settle for nice and "perfect", and not just from our mothers, you can see that by the reaction of other posters to the OP here.

I thought that he WASN'T perfect for the OP (ie he had a nice personality but she didn't find him attractive) so he wasn't "perfect". I agree with settling for somebody nice you can find them, but there is nobody perfect out there. That's why I think the OP should give this guy a chance.

G86

There's more to chemistry than just looks to be honest, it's the whole package, and it's that little extra bit that you just can't explain!

It depends on the person I guess, but if I don't get hit with the butterflies from day one then it usually doesn't happen at all for me. I've dated guys before who were both attractive and sound, but there was just no connection there. I could have stayed with them, because I enjoyed spending time with him, but I want more than that, I want more than a friend I happen to be attracted to phsyically aswell. I want that 'click' - someone who sets my heart racing everytime I see them

OP, if I were you I'd move on.

dublingal80

my 2 cents op

I think, if it was someone you met on a night out, and not a friend or someone you have known before, id give him a go for a bit longer and see how you feel.

For me personally, yeah i can find someone attractive, or not my type, but when i get to know their personality more, that in itself can make them more attractive to me.. or the hottest guy ever could be a bit of a twat, and id have no interest in him

My recent ex, i was with him for 4 years. I met him through a friend. SO not my type at all, nice guy, bit younger and seemed lovely and i though to myself, ok, so my usual type of what i want doesnt work, i'll try something different, im not seeig anyone and doesnt mean im gonna marry him or anything. Just date him and see what happens.. and as the weeks went by his personality came through and i feel for him hook, line and sinker... 4 years later tho we broke up.

For me personality is SO important, nearly more important as looks.. of course there has to be some sort of attraction there but personality brings it to that next level.

If you like him and you fancy him and you arent interested or seeing anyone else at the moment, give it a shot. If you feel exactly the same as you do now in a week or two maybe its time to say its not working

Or do you have any probs with trust or committment? I just know myself through old ex's i have had the pleasure of meeting, they had screwed me up when it came to new guys id meet. The nicer the guy, the more i wouldnt trust them in fear of getting hurt, but the ones who i knew were players i was fine with cos i knew it wouldnt work out - if you get me

seenitall

Emme wrote: »

Yes. My first boyfriend was a few years older than me and I didn't really fancy him physically but he had a nice personality and we dated for a year before he finished it. I've gone out with a few guys who wouldn't be typically good looking.

To me "unattractive" means somebody with poor personal hygiene who stinks of BO, fags or both.

I thought that he WASN'T perfect for the OP (ie he had a nice personality but she didn't find him attractive) so he wasn't "perfect". I agree with settling for somebody nice you can find them, but there is nobody perfect out there. That's why I think the OP should give this guy a chance.

Oh no, he's "perfect" alright - he "ticks all the boxes". Pity attraction can be such an elusive "box", no?

Emme, your definition of unattractive really makes me wonder how come you are single? Because you must then be finding almost every man walking the street taking up a position somewhere on the "attractive" scale. Lucky them!

solovely

G86 wrote: »

There's more to chemistry than just looks to be honest, it's the whole package, and it's that little extra bit that you just can't explain!

It depends on the person I guess, but if I don't get hit with the butterflies from day one then it usually doesn't happen at all for me. I've dated guys before who were both attractive and sound, but there was just no connection there. I could have stayed with them, because I enjoyed spending time with him, but I want more than that, I want more than a friend I happen to be attracted to phsyically aswell. I want that 'click' - someone who sets my heart racing everytime I see them

OP, if I were you I'd move on.

+1 Exactly what I was trying to say (but you said it better).

dublingal80

that excitement is important, but with my ex of 4 years it took a while for me to get it... i remember after our 4th date or so when he dropped me home, i walked to my house BEAMING, thinkin wow, i really do like this guy

my current bf, when i see him i just get sooooo excited and run to him for the biggest hug and kiss ever

i dont think i could "allow" myself (if thats the right word) to feel that click straight away or listen to that chemistry spark with a guy. My 1st ex i did. Instant connection - even before i spoke to him, something was there, but he turned out to be SO strange, SO many issues and just made me build a 12 foot wall around myself when it came to other guys, so ive just been more cautious - but in saying that it was there with my current bf. our first date ended with us sitting on a wall for 3 hours, sober, having the most intense and best convo ever and kissing... loved it

op - what has you so hesitant.. what are you afraid of? are ou afraid of getting hurt? That he isnt the one? Do you possibly like someone else but you are afraid of letting them know incase they dont like you and then you are left single?? Do you think you arent deserving of a nice guy who treats you well? Do you think that someone nice will eventually just get boring?

girl27

Thanks for all the advice here its appreciated. A bit more background here may help....

I was with a guy for seven and a half years and basically he broke my heart we were due to buy a house but i caught him with another girl three days before we were due to sign contracts and pay deposit. Needless to say i was gutted but i eventually got over it and moved on (still think about him occasionally and cant help but compare all new boyfriends to him but was with him for so long and he was my first real love so its kinda hard not to even though i know i shouldn't but he did leave me wit a lot of hurt and with hindisght i realised that maybe he wasnt the person i thought he was when i was with him).

Then i went out with another guy for a few months . I had the whole butterflies in the stomach feelin and was really looking forward to seeing him etc etc but he didn have much interest and eventually i got fed up with him being basically an asshole to me so i ended it (and he wasnt exactly drop dead gorgeous either he was "average" lookin).

Now i met this new guy on a night out in a pub for singles (said i'd give it a go as i had nothin to lose) so don't know his background or anything about him (we werent friends as one of the posters queried). When i first met him i was attracted to him (also gave my number to two other guys that same night but he was the one that i really wanted to see again) and wished that he would ask me out which he did and i had a great first few dates and he is just a really genuine decent nice person who is doing evrything he can to please me and is really going out of his way. I do enjoy spending time with him but i dont know why i lost tat first initial attraction.

I'm a romantic at heart and had this notion in my head that i was going to meet someone who would sweep me off my feet who i would be totally mad about and that i would have the whole butterflies and excitement thing etc but maybe life and love isn't exactly what they make it out to be in the books and movies. Maybe i do need to give this guy a go and it could be a slow burner cos i cant really find any fault with him at all (the last guy mentioned above had loads of faults - by the way i'm far from perfect myself - but i was mad about him and as i said i had the whole butterlfy thing etc but maybe the whole treat em mean to keep em keen saying comes into play here).

One of the posters said taht they thought i was just being picky and they hit the nail on the head here!! Im an extremely picky person and not just with guys with everything from clothes, food, hair colour etc etc.

I'm still confused at the mo (and maybe searching for "perfect" taht does not necessarily exist) but am going to go out with him for another little while and see how i feel in a week or two.

P.S. Sorry for the long post and any other insight or advice would be apprecaited!!

Stu

As a man, i've always needed to be strongly physically attracted to a girl to even entertain the idea of a relationship and most men i know are the same. I never did understand the whole idea of a person growing on you but i guess men and women differ on this aspect of attraction.

Women seem to fall for men over a period when they may not have been initially attracted to the guy so maybe give it some more time OP, you might end up really falling for the guy if he has other good qualities and you are at least somewhat attracted to him.

LegacyUser

I met a really great man recently and in a way I understand where you're coming from. Compared to most others I've known he's treated me so well, I know where I stand, he doesnt mess me around, he's sorted and secure in himself. I guess because he's so good and sorted and I've been used to being messed around, the emotional rollercoaster that was there with some other men isnt there. So maybe its somewhat less exciting.

I really really enjoy his company and love sleeping with him though. I try not to analyse whats going on too much and just let it happen.

Previously, a few years ago I was involved with a friend whom I'd fancied and got on well with. Again he was a great guy, interesting and well sorted in himself, but I really didnt want to be with him physically so I had to end it. Thats what it came down to for me.

If the man is good, the sex is good, the company is good, just go with it and dont worry too much if its not the greatest love affair that ever was. If one of those elements is missing, maybe you're best thinking about moving on.

Wompa1

This is great advise for me on here. I've always been the guy that's treated women really well and I've been wrestling with my thoughts the last few months. I didn't want to change who I am in the hope that I'll find a girl that won't use me up and spit me out when the lack of drama makes them seek something more risky.

I think based on this and from what guy friends have told me I'm going to try playing the games I never expected or wanted to play and be a bit of a b@stard to women. At least that way when I get left I'll know well good for her I was being a d1ck anyway rather than I can't believe she'd end things the way she did after everything I've done for her and her family...which is how I feel now!

solovely

Wompa1 wrote: »

This is great advise for me on here. I've always been the guy that's treated women really well and I've been wrestling with my thoughts the last few months. I didn't want to change who I am in the hope that I'll find a girl that won't use me up and spit me out when the lack of drama makes them seek something more risky.

I think based on this and from what guy friends have told me I'm going to try playing the games I never expected or wanted to play and be a bit of a b@stard to women. At least that way when I get left I'll know well good for her I was being a d1ck anyway rather than I can't believe she'd end things the way she did after everything I've done for her and her family...which is how I feel now!

How on earth do the above posts justify what you have just said?? No logical flow whatsoever?!

So a girl is looking for some sort of connection or magnetism with a guy, and you read that as justification to be a bastard to all women??

Wompa1

solovely wrote: »

How on earth do the above posts justify what you have just said?? No logical flow whatsoever?!

So a girl is looking for some sort of connection or magnetism with a guy, and you read that as justification to be a bastard to all women??

I didn't really believe the treat em mean keep em keen thing but what some of the posts on here seems to suggest the guys treating them bad made for excitement which they then miss with the nice guy. So what's the benefit of being a nice guy? It's easier to be mean and costs less! :P

LegacyUser

Wompa1 wrote: »

I didn't really believe the treat em mean keep em keen thing but what some of the posts on here seems to suggest the guys treating them bad made for excitement which they then miss with the nice guy. So what's the benefit of being a nice guy? It's easier to be mean and costs less! :P

If you're referring to my post... I'm not with those guys who messed me around anymore. I dumped them.

I've no intention of ever doing that with new lovely guy.

Fluorescence

It's not being too picky if there's no physical attraction there. Other things may slowly grow over time, but I don't believe that attraction changes. There has to be something to work with. It's not shallow and it's not being too-picky. I've ended things with guys because while they were great people and ticked all the boxes, I didn't find them physically attractive and so it would never work.

Wompa1

astory wrote: »

If you're referring to my post... I'm not with those guys who messed me around anymore. I dumped them.

I've no intention of ever doing that with new lovely guy.

But then are you not just settling?

I am a friend

Wompa1 wrote: »

But then are you not just settling?

Where is that coming from?

Op, in my group of girlfriends, there are some who are adamant that, for them, unless the lightening strikes when they meet a guy it won't work for them. I am not like that as guys tend to grow on me and from experience those I have mEt where there was a huge initial lightening strike didn't seem to last.

Other posters she did say she fancies him but he is not her normal type... Op I have always gone for the same type so I know where you are coming from.

I guess you need to figure if you are the kind of person who thinks this guy can grow on you or not.... No one here can tell you that. Good luck

LegacyUser

Wompa1 wrote: »

But then are you not just settling?

My God no, its more than I ever could have hoped for.

My point was that its not as intense as some other relationships which were full of extreme highs and lows and burned out very quickly.
Its a slow burner and he's ten times the man any of the rest of them were.

It sounds like in your case, she just wasnt the right girl for you. simple as that.

Micky 32

solovely wrote: »

How on earth do the above posts justify what you have just said?? No logical flow whatsoever?!

So a girl is looking for some sort of connection or magnetism with a guy, and you read that as justification to be a bastard to all women??

I don't know, i think Wompa could be on to something. I know a guy who hit his girlfriend when they first got together, he won't work and sponges off the state. They got married. She got pregnant. 2 weeks before she gave birth she caught him sh***ing her mother in the next room. They are still together and she worships the ground he walks on :rolleyes:

I am a friend

Micky 32 wrote: »

I don't know, i think Wompa could be on to something. I know a guy who hit his girlfriend when they first got together, he won't work and sponges off the state. They got married. She got pregnant. 2 weeks before she gave birth she caught him sh***ing her mother in the next room. They are still together and she worships the ground he walks on :rolleyes:

Yeah of course sure all women love to share a man with their mothers. That girl has scary low self esteem so please dont put other women ( with a brain) in her bracket

HugoDrax

Sounds like this guy is just nervous and shy and he is trying to be too nice because like most guys he thinks that's how to keep a girl interested.

Girls want guys to just be themselves and you are no exception.
You need to tell him you think he is putting on an act and tell him to be himself.

If he is not able to be his ordinary self - he is complimenting you too much and giving you gifts perhaps to cling on to you? - then maybe you should tell him it's not working out?

Micky 32

I am a friend wrote: »

Yeah of course sure all women love to share a man with their mothers. That girl has scary low self esteem so please dont put other women ( with a brain) in her bracket

Well to me it would seem that not many women in this country have brains then. . They guy in question will always have more chance getting a girlfriend than a nice decent guy. I used to be friends with him and he had women at his feet with his false b*****t charm :rolleyes:

inexperienced

hiya, op, according to wht you wrote, i think you do like him romantically. as another poster said, you might just want him to be himself rather than pleasing u just to get u.

you can tell him that you appreciate how well he treat you, but would like him to be himself so you can know hime better.

give him n urself a chance, but if the fellings of 'missing something' is sitll there after you have known him more, maybe it's better to part. meanwhile, think less, enjoy.

I am a friend

Micky 32 wrote: »

Well to me it would seem that not many women in this country have brains then. . They guy in question will always have more chance getting a girlfriend than a nice decent guy. I used to be friends with him and he had women at his feet with his false b*****t charm :rolleyes:

Rubbish. He may have a girl hanging out of him but I would prefer to be single for life than have such a low quality relationship