Humiliated!!! :(

poozers

i'll try make this short...im 25, a girl, and at the moment doing an evening creative writing class. i was describing a character idea i had researched and said he (the character) is "midly retarded" (which is the term i found to describe him, his mother was an alcaholic and drank during pregnancy and it affected him mentally) ... i hope i havent offended anyone so far!

anyway, i finished my description and went on to the next student. I dont know how old this woman is, but she is in around her mid thirties i'd say. She isn't a very nice woman and find her quite rude (answering phonecalls in the middle of the class and not even leaving the room, questioning the teacher on nearly everything she says, even the smallest little details, quite condescending etc etc!) Anyway, she stood up for her character description (the only one who did) and mentioned her character also had special needs, and she looked down at me and said "the word 'retarded' isn't actually used anymore" and I said "i looked it up..." and she interrupted saying "i have a child with special needs" and continued on with her story! I was absolutely mortified! it was infront of ten classmates, and our teacher!

I had NEVER meant to offend anyone, and didn't feel i got even the slightest chance to explain myself! It was what I found when I was looking up the condition i wanted my character to have! I feel that even though it is a dated term, it was a technical term first before it became an 'insult' i suppose you'd call it... and I would have MUCH more appretiated and be extemely apologetic if she said it to me in private after the class... I had absolutely no idea about her child. I know I didnt think about who i might of offended by saying it, but I didn't see it as an insulting term when i was doing my research!
My confidence has totally been knocked! after she said that I just wanted to run out of there and crawl into a hole! I am so afraid of what my classmates think of me now, I feel like I'm ignorant and thoughtless! but im not usually ever, im extremely open minded!!! I dont want to go back next week.. The main reason i started the class was so i could read personal stuff out loud to strangers (which was said we had to do in the course description) and it was an effort to overcome my shyness! I want to say something to her next week about it, but whether I have the courage or not is another story! Confrontation like that absolutely terrifies me!!
am i being too sensitive???
is SHE being too sensitive???
Please give me words of advice! and pleeease tell me I wasn't TOTALLY 100% in the wrong

(i know i said id try keep it short, apologies )

Morag

Creative writing classes are not the place to deal with personal issues, go see a therapist or a counsellor.

Yes it is an offensive term guess you didn't find this site in your research into foetal alcohol syndrome.

http://therword.org/

Would you have refereed to a gay person as a fagg0t in your piece?

I suggest you do go back, that you go early and have a word with the facilitator and that you try and talk to the lady and stop being so judgemental.

But really a writing course/class is not the place for airing your issues.

tenchi-fan

"Retarded" is a perfectly legitimate medical term. "Retard", as a noun should probably be avoided.

And of course, the line blurs (e.g. O.M.G This computer is *so* retarded)

If you are describing an actual person I'd avoid using either "retard" or "retarded".

You were describing a character with an actual condition, so that woman went out of her way to take offence.

For future reference, "learning difficulties" or the euphemism "a bit slow" would probably be better terms.

poozers

me go see a therapist? personal issues??? i used the term to describe my character who i want to turn out to be the hero in the end of my story! There are no personal issues of mine involved, except that I want to write a story! and quoted directly from that website you gave:

"Some people have mental retardation (intellectual disabilities). While mental retardation is not a bad word, when used to describe someone or something you think is bad or stupid it becomes another thoughtless hurtful word."
I was NOT describing him in bad light, this character ISNT "stupid" or "bad"! I would NEVER use that word in the insulting sense!!

poozers

Sharrow wrote: »

Would you have refereed to a gay person as a fagg0t in your piece?

I suggest you do go back, that you go early and have a word with the facilitator and that you try and talk to the lady and stop being so judgemental.

But really a writing course/class is not the place for airing your issues.

I would NEVER EVER refer to a gay person as a "fagg0t"!!! why would you even ask that?!?!?!

do you mean me being judgemental??? have you even read my original post???

minidazzler

I don't think she's being sensitive, I think she's being a self-righteous bitch. It's creative writing OP you don't have to be politically correct. You were referring to your character, not her child. That would be like someone who has a black friend getting offended if you used a racial slur in a story from the point of a bigoted character.

Don't pay her any heed and keep writing, no need to be mortified, i would bet that most people there won't remember what it anyway.

That all said, Mental retardation isn't used as a medical term mostly because of the sensitivities surrounding it, it's simply been subsumed by other terms that in years to come could become equally "offensive". So, basically just forget about it, you did nothing wrong and she's just being a twat.

iguana

Sharrow wrote: »

Yes it is an offensive term guess you didn't find this site in your research into foetal alcohol syndrome.

http://therword.org/

The very first message on that site is that when used in the correct context, as it appears the OP's use was, there is nothing wrong with the word. That site suggests doing exactly what the OP did.

"Some people have mental retardation (intellectual disabilities). While mental retardation is not a bad word, when used to describe someone or something you think is bad or stupid it becomes another thoughtless hurtful word."

OP, I think that you were correct in your usage of the word and shouldn't feel bad. However if the woman in your class has a special needs child she may be very sensitive about it. If I were you I'd just do my best to ignore the incident and move on.

tenchi-fan

Sharrow wrote: »

Would you have refereed to a gay person as a fagg0t in your piece?

Sharrow, If you read the site, it actually states "While mental retardation is not a bad word, when used to describe someone or something you think is bad or stupid it becomes another thoughtless hurtful word."

This refers to calling someone "retard" as an insult. The op clearly did not do this.

This would be the equivalent of calling someone "gay" as an insult, regardless of their sexual preferences.

The word "******" is an offensive word (a noun) which means homosexual but can be used to insult anyone. The comparison would be valid had the op used the term "window-licker"

poozers

should i just leave it really? if i was to say something to her id say it in private, and very nicely, like "im very sorry and i didnt mean to offend you by what i said, but I felt very embarrassed in front of the class and wish you would have said it in private!" and maybe add " i felt i was using it in the right context, and havent even seen it as an offensive term"... next week is our last class anyway, and i'll probably never see her again...but i never stand up for myself like this and if i let this one go, i feel i'll totally regret it!!! thanks for all your replies, and support

johnboysligo

words depend on context, taken out of context anything can be offensive to anyone.
You are in a creative writing class if she can not understand context than she probably shouldn't be there.

poozers wrote: »

should i just leave it really?

it might not be a bad idea. You used retard to describe a characteristic of a fictional person. You did not use retard as a derogatory term for anyone present.

oh and fyi use special needs in place of retarded does not fix the problem it just trades places when used in the wrong context.

minidazzler

poozers wrote: »

should i just leave it really? if i was to say something to her id say it in private, and very nicely, like "im very sorry and i didnt mean to offend you by what i said, but I felt very embarrassed in front of the class and wish you would have said it in private!" and maybe add " i felt i was using it in the right context, and havent even seen it as an offensive term"... next week is our last class anyway, and i'll probably never see her again...but i never stand up for myself like this and if i let this one go, i feel i'll totally regret it!!! thanks for all your replies, and support

Standing up for yourself is all well and good, but if she felt the need to say what she said in front of the class, she probably was intending for a reaction. (I hate to be cynical but some people are just asses) My advice is leave well enough alone as it could go worse than you think if you tell her you used it correctly. You already know she is rude and arrogant, do you really need to see if she is good old fashioned mean as well?

Let it lie and forget about her. You don't owe her any apology or explanation.

Blatter

Print off evidence from the internet proving that your terminology was correct.

Then confront her at the start of class, show her the evidence and let her know that you did nothing wrong and you were made to feel bad and confused about the whole situation.

What she did was a stupid, thoughtless and uneducated thing and she should be brought up on the issue rather than it be ignored. If she is ignored, you will be the bigot and she will be right, in her eyes at least. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want anyone thinking that of me.

Morag

poozers wrote: »

The main reason i started the class was so i could read personal stuff out loud to strangers (which was said we had to do in the course description) and it was an effort to overcome my shyness!

Yup you have no issues.

It is a loaded word, it is one which is used repeatedly as a pejorative term.
May you never have to comfort a child and dry their after it has been used about them.

It is a hateful term, it is no longer used by educational and medical professionals. You research was flawed, you did cause offence.

I get that you didn't mean to but you have to take into consideration the other person, who prolly has a hard enough time with her kid and has managed to find something to do for herself, which gives her a break from it all.

I think talking to her and reaching an understanding and explaining would be a good thing for you both.

KiLLeR CoUCh

Look OP, you didn't mean to cause offence, if she's going to get so worked up over it it's her problem. I'd be of the mind of who cares if you even write something offensive in a story? I've read plenty of offensive stories, blogs, and there are a ton of novels out there with offensive characters in them. I doubt authors loose sleep at night over whether somebody might take offence needlessly.

Don't bother confronting the woman, just leave it. You haven't described her as a nice person so why would you bother making amends? Shrug it off. You joined the class to learn how to read aloud to other people well this is just part of it. Not everybody will like what you right. Just remember it for the future if you're writing anything that might hit a nerve.

Don't feel bad OP, you didn't mean it in a bad way and that's what matters. I do find it odd that you weren't already familiar with the term you were using, and the woman who has a special needs child probably wouldn't even believe you didn't know. As far as she knew, you knew exactly what you were saying. I don't think it's worth it to confront her. Talk to her about it, explain you didn't know, that you had looked on the internet and that's the word it gave you. But don't confront her with proof that it can be used in a medical sense. That's being a bit too confrontational, and slightly aggressive. I know you're harbouring a bit of bitterness about being showed up and publicly having your meaning attacked, but just let it go. Trying to prove you're right is irrelevant really. She'll just feel offended and you'll just feel bad all over again.

It is most definitely not the same as calling someone a f****t. Not at all. It is similar however to the word spastic. Spasticity is a medical term describing the rapid uncontrollable contraction of muscle. It's seen in many conditions, including spastic diplegia, a form of cerebral palsy. However people often use is in an offensive way, sometimes shortening it to spa. Makes me cringe when people use these words, I think about how offensive someone affected by such syndromes would find it, how hurtful they are. Truth is, even the people who use in an offensive way don't realise how offensive it is. Often I hear friends say "ah you spa" or "that's so retarded", and even though it makes me cringe (and slightly angry) I know that they don't think about the fact that these are real things that real people have to deal with. To them it's just a word, and they'd never use it to a person actually affected by it. The fact that you used it meaning in a medical way is far more forgivable, as you had no idea it even could be offensive. Just know for future reference, and stay well clear of Ms Bitchy.

seamus

Sharrow wrote: »

I think talking to her and reaching an understanding and explaining would be a good thing for you both.

With all due respect I disagree. The woman is clearly an obnoxious and self-righteous cow who won't see reason. If anything the OP should take the woman aside at the start of the next class and tell the woman that what she did was very hurtful and disrespectful and ask for an apology.

If she was a reasonable person, she wouldn't have tried to make a scene in front of a class, especially in a class of amateurs where its understood that people are new to showing their own work to others and are understandably sensitive. Any respectful person would have spoken to the OP at the end of the class and explained what their issue was. That she has a special needs child is irrelevant, it's no excuse for rudeness and disrespect.

OP, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Your confidence is knocked but you can be sure that everyone else in the class feels the same about this woman. They would have felt sympathy for you when you were humiliated in public, not disgust. They will have even more respect for you if you stand up there next week with your self-respect intact and not let this woman get to you.

Creative writing isn't about being PC, otherwise you would be unable to be creative. It's also not about being perfect; everyone makes mistakes either in the words they use or the tone they use and nobody deserves to have someone else disrespect them and attempt to humiliate them in public for a simple and common misunderstanding.

reprazant

Sharrow wrote: »

Creative writing classes are not the place to deal with personal issues, go see a therapist or a counsellor.

Yes it is an offensive term guess you didn't find this site in your research into foetal alcohol syndrome.

http://therword.org/

Would you have refereed to a gay person as a fagg0t in your piece?

I suggest you do go back, that you go early and have a word with the facilitator and that you try and talk to the lady and stop being so judgemental.

But really a writing course/class is not the place for airing your issues.

Retarded is a medical term and used correctly, is a fine word to use.

I like how you tell the OP to stop being judgemental in, what seems to me anyway, a highly judgemental fashion.

elbee

OP, you didn't mean any offence and you seem to be sorry that you may have caused some unintentionally. I'd let it go.

This woman is a stranger to you. Her opinion of you doesn't matter, and since you never particularly liked her, it shouldn't hurt you. Easier said than done of course! I'd let it go.

From the sound of her, I bet if you apologised and explained and said 'I'd rather you had said it to me privately' she would probably construe that as you being ashamed of yourself.

Sometimes we all put our feet in our mouths (I did it yesterday and still feel bad about it!) but if your intentions were good the best thing you can do it let it go.

stiffler123

I wouldn't worry about it too much OP, it was an honest mistake and you meant no malice in saying it. Next writing class, I would take the lady aside at the end and apologize, explain to her that you are embarassed about what happened, you had no idea it was offensive and please accept your sincere apology. If she doesn't shake your hand after that, then you tried your best and that's all you can do.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

common sense brigade

writers should be able to use unpolitically correct words like retard ****** etc anything they want. that is the nature of writing. anything else is censorship. do you think charles bukowski and william burroughs would have minded what people thought about what they wrote. dont worry she is hyper sensitive.

spinandscribble

I worked with people with a range of problems and many were diagnosed as mentally retarded. It was the common word to be used and they were not offended by the word either as it was used when needed and correctly without malice. Now if someone was to go up and call them a retard, yes there would be problems but the term mentally retarded is NOT offensive and the only reason some may be offended is because the term has been shorted to a insult.

OP, you're gonna find people like this all the time, stand firm on using the correct terms if you so wish and you you might find yourself using actually offensive terms in your writing and thats ok. If that women can't handle that maybe the class isn't for her.

Do not apologies and do not edit your writing to suit her. If you continue that story and use the word mentally retarded as a side note clarify with the course teacher that yes it is the correct medical term and you'd be glad if you had his/her support in backing you up if this women gets ott again.

LegacyUser

OK, going against the grain with this one but you did ask were you being too sensitive and the answer is yes, you absolutely were, and it has to be asked: is this sort of incident really all it takes to leave a person mortified, wanting to crawl into a hole, terrified as you were?

Since when did people become so needy? You had an exchange of words with someone you obviously had a pre existing problem with, she got the better of you (in your mind) in the sense that you had no comeback to her final comment, and you are now obsessing over nothing with people looking up medical dictionaries and websites and quoting technical definitions for you to use next week if you do challenge this woman.

Do you really believe this is how issues are resolved between people in the real world? Something is said, one person broods for a week and dreams of triumphing on the next encounter with the use of unassailable logic, leaving the original wrongdoer humiliated and mortified – preferably all witnessed by the same people who witnessed the hero's original humiliation in the first incident. Plenty of soap opera storylines go this way alright but its more likely in the real world everybody – the bad guy in the scenario, the witnesses – will all have forgotten the incident within 10 minutes of it happening. Everyone will have forgotten it except the victim character sitting around brooding for a week plotting revenge.

You are wasting energy on this and need to forget it. And by the way, you need to prepare yourself for further exchanges with people of this sort in the future, so either develop the confidence to confront and challenge people on the spot or else recognise this fault in yourself (over sensitivity) and develop a thicker skin.

In point of fact, if you could develop your confidence to the point of being able to confront people who deserve to be confronted, then you probably wouldnt be so easily offended by them in the first place.

IrishEyes19

Sharrow wrote: »

Yup you have no issues.

It is a loaded word, it is one which is used repeatedly as a pejorative term.
May you never have to comfort a child and dry their after it has been used about them.

It is a hateful term, it is no longer used by educational and medical professionals. You research was flawed, you did cause offence.

I get that you didn't mean to but you have to take into consideration the other person, who prolly has a hard enough time with her kid and has managed to find something to do for herself, which gives her a break from it all.

I think talking to her and reaching an understanding and explaining would be a good thing for you both.

Wrong, Sharow, retardation is also still used in the physcriatric profession also, often alligned with the word social to describe if someone acts out of normal behavioural norms.

Op, what you said wasnt incorrect, unfortunately the mother in question just took it wrongly.

poozers

seamus wrote: »

Creative writing isn't about being PC, otherwise you would be unable to be creative..

EXACTLY!!! thank you!! It's all about developing your style and thats what we're mainly encouraged to do in the class!

I was VERY upset (obviously) last night about it, Thanks a mill for all the support! I'm kind of over it, but it's more the principle of it now! but it's not what she thinks of me, it's mainly what our teacher and my classmates think of me, because I really respect them all and they are all extremely talented people!! Even this woman is very very talented! The rest in the class are older than me besides 2 others! but they are a great bunch!
Im inspired to work harder at my writing now... not to prove that im good to anyone else, only to myself! I am a sensitive person, but there's nothing wrong with that!!

"snapoutofit"
- "since when did people become so needy?" ????? "obsessing over nothing"???? Getting people to look up medical websites for me??? this is a public board!! a "personal issues" board! are you saying that the way i felt last night isn't worthy of a few replies from people just giving their opinion and trying to be helpful??? i wasnt "obsessing over nothing" because the incident wasnt "nothing" to me...maybe to you it might be, but thats you!
Also, i want to correct the situation maturely, for myself, i'm not "plotting revenge"!!! If I had contact with this woman outside of the class, i wouldnt wait a week to get revenge" as you say! yeah, i'm sensitive but im not "over sensitive", i can take criticism when it is given to me in a respectful and mature way, but not when i'm put to shame like that in front of a class of people i respect!

thanks again everyone for replying!

OP you didn't do anything wrong. You referred to a character who, as you said, becomes the hero of the piece. As others have said, she just wanted to get a rise out of you. I genuinely hate people like that and have no time for them.

Don't approach her and discuss it with her - if you do then she'll only see that it did get to you. Just carry on as normal.

KittyeeTrix

OP, my son has dyspraxia and this affects his co-ordination. He walks with a awkward relaxed gait ( a little bit like Ozzy Osbourne) and although he is of a high IQ his movements make him look "slow" for want of a better word.......

I would not take offence at someone in a writing class if they described a character such as my son as being slow as I'm not a bloody drama queen who expects people to know excactly the politically correct word for every disorder under the sun...............:(

Forget this woman, enjoy the rest of your creative writing experience and do not for one second think that you did anything wrong.

dellas1979

I am going to say Poozers that the best course of action is to talk to the teacher.

Noone is right in this situation. As far as I am concerned, the teacher was in the wrong. As they say there is no problem only how you look at it. You are looking at it from your side (innocent to the expression you used) and her from her side (having a special needs child).

The teacher is there for a reason and by all means should have said something when it all started. It is the teacher who controls the order of the class, by keeping personal things out of the equation.

Do not go near her with your own personal vendetta. That is what we call "putting fuel on the fire".

Maybe your teacher could mildly remind everyone in the class that it is creative writing, and personal issues should be kept at side.

LegacyUser

poozers wrote: »

"snapoutofit"
- "since when did people become so needy?" ????? "obsessing over nothing"???? Getting people to look up medical websites for me??? this is a public board!! a "personal issues" board! are you saying that the way i felt last night isn't worthy of a few replies from people just giving their opinion and trying to be helpful??? i wasnt "obsessing over nothing" because the incident wasnt "nothing" to me...maybe to you it might be, but thats you!
Also, i want to correct the situation maturely, for myself, i'm not "plotting revenge"!!! If I had contact with this woman outside of the class, i wouldnt wait a week to get revenge" as you say! yeah, i'm sensitive but im not "over sensitive", i can take criticism when it is given to me in a respectful and mature way, but not when i'm put to shame like that in front of a class of people i respect!

People mollycoddling you and agreeing with you about the big bad woman who was so mean to you and egging you on and quoting to you from medical reference books on the precise meaning of the term "retarded" for you to repeat verbatim are not helping you in my opinion.

You say you can take criticism so long as its given to you in a respectful and mature way - but who decides that? You? And in any case, if you cant deal with more direct criticism then how are you going to deal with the daily grind of modern life where people have to eat sh*t all the time with a stiff upper lip? You are mid 20s now - do you really believe its possible to cruise through hopefully another 60 years + without having to deal with conflict?

Just get real, finish the final week of the course, forget the whole incident and work on developing a coping mechanism for the next time you have a public run in with someone.

Humria

Mental retardation is the technical term used in the US, in the UK and Ireland the term used (within psychology anyway) is usually learning disability. I think that's where the confusion may arise.

I wouldn't feel bad OP. I don't think there is much point in confronting her though as it would just cause more friction. The only reason to explain or apologise is if you care about her opinion.

LegacyUser

Wouldn't be too bothered by it, just leave it go and forget about it.

IMO, most adjectives can be be made insulting, it depends on the context and the tone you say it.

You could easily turn to a regular person and go "you are such a special needs child" and even though you are using the PC term for it, it is obviously meant to offend .

If you described the character as having a "mental retardation" I would say perfectly acceptable so long as you said it in an empathetic manner .

If you said the character is "a retard" , it's definitely a little un-pc.

LegacyUser

Also, I think Sharrow is completely wrong saying you shouldn't be there to resolve personal issues.

The personal issue you mentioned was overcoming shyness. What better way to overcome shyness is there than by performing / speaking in front of strangers.

An easier way is to just push yourself out there at parties, if you dont know someone make an effort to talk to them, plus you have a few drinks for courage! At parties the majority of people will be friendly and welcoming too.

I was in the same boat about 6 months, massive difference now after moving to a new city and not knowing anyone. Was forced to be more outgoing and it has paid off.

The Corinthian

poozers wrote: »

am i being too sensitive???
is SHE being too sensitive???

Yes and yes, TBH.

"Special needs" covers a lot of conditions that have nothing to do with mental retardation, for example, so really she didn't really know what she was talking about. Personally had she done that to me I would have suggested to her that the public speaking class is down the hall.

Given this you too are being too sensitive. Your classmates most likely thought she was a nutjob, rather than think ill of you.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd imagine the rest if the class are wise to her, and rather than thinking that you were somehow at fault, they were more likely to be thinking "I'm glad 'obnoxious-aul-wan' hasn't ever started on me!"

Forget it, you can be sure none of the others, including 'yer-wan', have given it any more thought.

Chuchoter

Don't worry about it OP, the woman was obviously out to cause a fight. You were using it as a technical term, to accurately describe your character. If I was anyone else in your class I wouldn't have taken offense.

pencilsharp

Ok whatever about the woman bringing it up in the middle of a class I agree that was wrong and if she had some gripe with you over it she should have spoken about it in private. I can understand why she was annoyed/upset/angry over it though.

'Retard' is a horrible, insulting and dated word and to be honest if you had any dignity, respect or general cop on you should have realised that it was the wrong word to use.

I would be disgusted if you used it in my presence (and I have nobody in my family or close to me with special needs), and would think, considering you're doing a creative writing classand must have some degree of intelligence you could have come up with a more politically correct term to use.

Blatter

pencilsharp wrote: »

'Retard' is a horrible, insulting and dated word and to be honest if you had any dignity, respect or general cop on you should have realised that it was the wrong word to use.

I would be disgusted if you used it in my presence (and I have nobody in my family or close to me with special needs), and would think, considering you're doing a creative writing classand must have some degree of intelligence you could have come up with a more politically correct term to use.

If you had any sort of attention span you would have read the rest of the thread which clearly states that "retard" is a perfectly correct terminology to use, as long as it's used in the correct context and not in a derogatory way.

You have the issue here if you don't have the intelligence to understand that not every little word that can be used in a derogatory way, can indeed be perfectly good terminology, once applied to it's correct context.

Ickle Magoo

SOCCER4LIFE, you can get your point across without resorting to petty personal insults.

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

Seraphina

If I were you OP, I would simply return next week, use the exact same term again (obviously in a non-insulting way) and turn around to the woman with a big smile and say "of course, this is a creative writing class, and not a politically correct class, and everyone knows that good writers challenge the status quo" perhaps throw in the anecdote about James Joyce, and then continue with your story.

But then, that's me...

iguana

username1986 wrote: »

You could easily turn to a regular person and go "you are such a special needs child" and even though you are using the PC term for it, it is obviously meant to offend .

The teenagers in an area I used to live used to use "special needs" as an insult. If one of them tripped or said something incorrectly the others would laugh and call him/her "special needs." The term used is irrelevant, it's the intent that implies insult or not. It's the same as up-thread when a poster asked if you would use ****** when referring to a gay person. But "gay" is used as an insult regularly, in place of "lame." And "lame" itself refers to something being pathetically subpar in that context rather than someone with a limp.

Retard just means slow or inhibit, when used correctly there is nothing at all wrong with it. Bear in mind, it's the same root word as fire retardant. There is nothing wrong with using a word correctly as any word can be an insult.

And as this was in a creative writing class, sometimes certain words will be used as an insult. Take a script like "This is England" about 80's skinheads. The writer had to use words like "******" and "wog" words that are really are just insults, because that was consistent with the characters and the story.

cantdecide

Another use is in motoring where you can complain that your classic car's ignition timing might be too advanced or retarded.

I do agree that this is an embarassing faux pas. Just get on with it, OP.

Big Bag of Chips

pencilsharp wrote: »

'Retard' is a horrible, insulting and dated word and to be honest if you had any dignity, respect or general cop on you should have realised that it was the wrong word to use.

The OP didn't use the word "retard".

dr gonzo

snapoutofit wrote: »

People mollycoddling you and agreeing with you about the big bad woman who was so mean to you and egging you on and quoting to you from medical reference books on the precise meaning of the term "retarded" for you to repeat verbatim are not helping you in my opinion.

You say you can take criticism so long as its given to you in a respectful and mature way - but who decides that? You? And in any case, if you cant deal with more direct criticism then how are you going to deal with the daily grind of modern life where people have to eat sh*t all the time with a stiff upper lip? You are mid 20s now - do you really believe its possible to cruise through hopefully another 60 years + without having to deal with conflict?

Just get real, finish the final week of the course, forget the whole incident and work on developing a coping mechanism for the next time you have a public run in with someone.

Having a bad day are we?

All the OP has asked is to what extent they may have legitimately caused offense with most on here concluding that they havent. The OP is perfectly entitled to ask his or her opinions on issues that have come about in daily life without being laid into by yourself over what you perceive to be oversensitivity.

Regardless of the scenario, there was something on the OP's mind which they wanted advice and/or clarification on. Is that not what this board is for?

OP, as already any word can be used in an insulting way when out of context so theres no getting away from it but more to the point these social rules about what is and is not correct go out the window in fiction. Dont give it another thought, enjoy the rest of your class and keep writing.

LegacyUser

It's creative writing! You can write whatever you want. That she takes offense by terms used in your text that are not even directed at her is ridiculous. You should be angry at her! A class like that is meant to allow exploration without such judgements on "terms" used. Critique on style, structure, yes! But not words! She has a chip on her shoulder.

Most of the best creative writing is inflammatory. It makes you think differently and pushes you into a zone where you might not be comfortable. But you remember it and are enriched by the experience. Anyway, if yoursubject area is from an era 50 years ago, 100 years ago, terms used would be offensive by todays standards. WTF - some terms used by people today are offensive but are still used and should be used if you are trying to ortray a realistic character. Do not worry - if that is her attitude, the most she can hope to achieve is dull mediocre script.

shellyboo

You used the word "retarded" in front of a woman whose child has special needs and is probably sensitive about it. She reacted badly and was rude about it.

This is life. Not everything is sunshine and lollipops. Forget about it, it's really not a big deal. Really.

poozers

seriously everyone, thanks so much for all the replies! I'm not goin to confront her, im goin to forget about it, be the bigger person, and not let it affect me as much as it did any more. the whole class probably dont remember and even if they do, im sure theyve seen and heard much worse things in their lives... because i have!

and ye're right, it's not that big a deal at all!!! I dont care about this woman or what she thinks of me, and never will, so why bother wasting so much of my energy stressing about her! life lesson learnt!
feck it i have my last class this week, and writing is definitely something im goin to continue! i have put my character on hold with his story for a while, as (obviously) i do need to do more extensive research into his condition, but its not stopping me do other work! thanks again every one ... really appreciate it!

Mighty_Mouse

The curse of political correctness strikes again!

Spastic, retard, handicap begin as perfectly acceptable descriptive terms until negative connotations are associated with them and society switches language and words to describe exactly the same condition. So handicap becomes "special needs",
Give it 5-10 years and special needs will become "gifted" or "super special people"! or whatever term is now used to dance around describing someone as disabled.

Personally, I live my life treating all people equally with dignity & would have little time for the woman in question.

The fact that she is pulling the PC moral,high-ground, bollix in a creative writing class is just ironic. You shouldn't of hesitated to immediately apologise whilst pointing that out to her.

Finally, your reaction to this slight confrontation is waaaaaay over the top. You've speak of humiliation, embarrassment, fear ...............etc.
Harden up.

deisemum

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

The curse of political correctness strikes again!

Spastic, retard, handicap begin as perfectly acceptable descriptive terms until negative connotations are associated with them and society switches language and words to describe exactly the same condition. So handicap becomes "special needs",
Give it 5-10 years and special needs will become "gifted" or "super special people"! or whatever term is now used to dance around describing someone as disabled.

Some people with special needs and those that work with them find the term "special needs" offensive and will tear strips out of anyone who dares mention that term, their reasoning being that all people are special.

Big Bag of Chips

deisemum wrote: »

Some people with special needs and those that work with them find the term "special needs" offensive and will tear strips out of anyone who dares mention that term, their reasoning being that all people are special.

"Additional Needs" is a term I've heard recently.

angelcakebaby

My son has Down syndrome and if anyone refered to him as retarded I would firstly tell them its extremely offensive and then if they used it again....well they would have to run fast. The term midly retarded is a bit offensive but you weren't to know for goodness sake.

However in saying that the medical community in this country still use the term mentally retarded much to the chargrin of anyone who actually has an intellectual disability or those who advocate for those who cannot self advocate. We are quite behind in many ways over here but in many ways we are way ahead in our treatment of people with non typical abilities.

She was taking the moral high ground and being a bitch if you ask me. Yes the word retard is as offensive as F*****t or N****r but we are about 30 years behind in educating society on this. If someone used the term "coloured" to describe a black guy 30 years ago it was seen to be a bit ignorant but not malicious. The person might be told that their words could be offensive and they'd never ever use the word again.

She should have simply written a small note at the bottom of the page saying "Perhaps you could use the term intellectually disabled instead as its a bit un-PC to say retarded". To bring up her personal family situation in class is grossly unprofessional and I have never experienced that in college myself.

I do a lot of work in the disability community especially concerning advocacy and I can tell you I have talked about this subject endlessly with parents of people with intellectual disability and also people with an intectual disability. We have all said a million times that when someone uses this terminology we just mention its hurtful and 99% of the time the person says "Sorry I didn't realise" and they dont do it again. It is a slow proccess and people will still have to be reminded 20 years from now but we'll get there.

Please don't beat yourself up about it. You sound like a really nice person and I guarantee you no-one with an intellectual disability would have taken offence like she did (yes they would be insulted or hurt a little but ould probably just say "dont say that" or even tease you about it). Maybe she had a bad day. Maybe she had been defending her child all week and just snapped. But maybe you had a really bad week too. She shouldn't have made you feel like that.

If you choose not to go back I would ask that you tell her why. She shouldn't be speaking to people like that and it really doesn't help the cause of people trying to teach tolerance. Maybe she felt like a bitch afterwards you never know. She might apologise...doubtful but maybe. I do advise you though that in future if you are going to write about stuff that can be controversial just look for a facebook group concerning the subject and post a question or two on there. Helps to talk to people as appose too googling. The internet can be full of crap.

Good luck^^

Redpunto

The term "retard" is offensive, ask anyone who has a child with special needs. Take it on the chin, you know now that there are more appropriate terms are used and move on. You know you didnt mean it in a offensive way so now you've learned something new.