Is it ok to ask BF to take down FB pics of him and his ex?

LegacyUser

Hi, im jus wondering what is usual in these situations where your other half has old pics up on facebook of them and their ex that they're tagged in?

Recently my boyfriend was tagged in an old album of his ex-girlfriend and theres pictures of the two of them hugging etc nd on nites out, this was an old album that was just recently tagged, ok so since they're belonging to her i realise these photos cant come down but I kinda would like for him to untag himself and also on his own page take down the photos with him and her in them, would I be unreasonable to ask him to do this?

It really hurt me the other day to go online and see him tagged in a photo with his ex and since then all those pictures have just been bothering me but im wondering would i be making mountains out of molehills or is this something that would usually happen anyway?

I have already taken down any facebook pics of myself and my exboyfriend because i just dont see the point in having them up there when we're not together anymore, I dont like to live in the past, i like to look forward and seeing these photos on his page is really starting to get to me for some reason.

Yes it would be unreasonable to ask him to take them down (in my opinion). If she was in his profile picture or something then yeah, or if he was commenting under these photos in an inappropriate or hurtful way then yeah in that case too. But they're just photos, probably of memories he wants to remember.

It doesn't mean he loves you any less, and it doesn't mean he still has feelings for his ex, it just means he has a past and he doesn't regret it. Asking him to take them down could really backfire on you, I'd leave it.

metrovelvet

I know someone who had a stack of love letters from the big love of his life, with whom he had a child, and the child was given up for adoption.

His new wife found the letters and destroyed them without asking him or telling him she found them.

If someone did that to me, I would have serious questions about who this person was in doing something like that to my past and to my property.

However, he didnt care. He thought 'fair enough' if it bothered her that much.

It all depends on what the pictures mean to him and what you mean to him and no one here can answer that.

Lucyx

My question would be why did she even put those pix up? I wouldn't want any pix with an ex on my FB profile. I'd actually hate that. Whats in the past is in the past. Do you think she still has feelings for him? Don't want to wreck your head now. Also how does he feel about her doing this?

Sorry to answer your Q, I don't think its unreasonable at all. That should be nothing for him to do.

Chinafoot

OP, are they friends? More than "facebook friends" that is. If they are then I don't think you need to question her motives in tagging the pictures.

I'm kind of in two minds on this one. If they have a good relationship since their break-up then expecting him to remove the pictures would be unreasonable. Having nice memories and tokens from the past is perfectly normal. You don't just erase everything once you start seeing someone new.

Now, if this girl doesn't like you, causes trouble in your relationship and has been an issue, then I would be asking him to de-tag himself as she would appear to me trying to get at you with her sudden uploading of the old pictures.

From what you've said though, I think you're overreacting. You were happy to remove the photographs of your ex and thats fine but don't expect everyone to do exactly as you do. If your boyfriend is happy to be tagged in the pictures then you'll just have to accept that and maybe ask yourself why this bothers you so much?

grrrrrrrrrr

It is unreasonable for you to ask. It seems to me like its only your own insecurity. It shouldnt make any odds and it wouldnt upset me at all. It means nothing. The above posters have said it all.

LegacyUser

Ok I should point out firstly that i would never expect him to totally get rid of any photos, even photos of him and his ex kissing/cuddling etc, yes I took down those kinds of photos from facebook but I still have them, theyre on my computer because as you say theyre memories.

I also dont want him to say get rid of an entire album of holiday photos off facebook, that again would be unreasonable, i would just specifically like him to remove the ones of him and his ex kissing/cuddling, not get rid of them entirely, they would still be on his computer they would just not be on facebook anymore, all other pics in that album would still be there tho. Also I would like him to be untagged in these photos she's put up from over a year ago, I hate that anytime im on his page there they are looking at me.

Theyre not friends anymore, he tried to be friends with her after the break up because theyre involved in a group together and have a lot of the same friends but it was difficult and then once I was on the scene she became unreasonable with intrusive phonecalls etc so now he doesnt talk to her and actively avoids her whenever possible. We all live within 20 mins of each other so we do know a lot of the same people so yea I basically know she hates me because yes she was still in love with him and now she feels ive ruined her chance of a reunion.

I really do feel the past should be kept in the past and yes while everyone has a past why should i have to see it everytime im on facebook.

Im not in any way insecure about our relationship, weve known eachother since we were children and had a romantic relationship then and a few times over the years and at all other times we were friends, he was my first kiss and I his and we both believe that even tho we lost touch for a number of years we are the love of each others life and meant for each other.

Count Duckula

Whilst I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, my gut instinct is that, yes, it is unreasonable.

I have pictures on my FB of my ex-girlfriend and I together. It was a big part of my life, and there's lots of photos reminding me of great nights out that she and I are in because we were together at the time.

And I know my girlfriend has stacks and stacks of photos that have her ex-boyfriend in them. She went out with him for a long time and their lives were totally entwined until they broke up - asking her to get rid of those photos would be like asking her to cut out a whole chunk of her history.

Photos with your ex are not a bad thing. Everyone has history. You have to trust that your partner wants to be with you. I know my girlfriend can look at those pictures of her and her ex on holiday in the Med and smile, remembering how great those times were and how much fun they had. It doesn't mean she's thinking "I wish I could be there now". It just means she's enjoying the memory of something great in her life.

If your boyfriend wants those pictures because he wants a return to those days, then there's bigger issues at play that won't be cured by just making him delete them.

LegacyUser

But i dont want him to delete them or get rid of them, he has them on his laptop and im quite happy with that, it doesnt bother me at all, as ive said i have pictures of myself and my ex too on my computer, just not on facebook, it is only the fact that they are on facebook that bothers me.

Anyway my real problem is with his ex and her recent tagging of my boyfriend in old photos of the two of them.

And no I dont think he wants to go back to those days with his ex at all.

Distorted

I think its a bit unreasonable, as she is part of his history and people tend to have photos on FB from several years back. So expunging the photos does not mean the history is gone. And thats all it is - history. As long as you don't think they are continuing any relationship that would give you anything to worry about. Its a bit tactless of the friends to recently tag him, and that could be removed - at his behest, not yours.

Making someone remove photos of exs from FB is just a bit too controlling for my liking. He might make the decision himself one day, but really FB is not that important.

Neyite

isitok wrote: »

Theyre not friends anymore, he tried to be friends with her after the break up because theyre involved in a group together and have a lot of the same friends but it was difficult and then once I was on the scene she became unreasonable with intrusive phonecalls etc so now he doesnt talk to her and actively avoids her whenever possible. We all live within 20 mins of each other so we do know a lot of the same people so yea I basically know she hates me because yes she was still in love with him and now she feels ive ruined her chance of a reunion.

from what you said above, it sounds like she might be hoping to get a reaction out of your boyfriend and/or you by uploading them and tagging them. If he has to ask her to detag them or take them off, then she knows that she has got to you two. I wouldnt give an ex the satisfaction of knowing that, but thats just me.

missmelo

Do you think she just tagged him in the pictures recently to get at you maybe?

And you want him to untag himself to show her he dont care?

I dont think its an issue for you bringing this up with him, when your not asking him to delete them, your in a relationship with him, and if they make you feel uncomfortable why would he have a problem removing the tag.

LegacyUser

I'm kind of with you on this OP, but I don't think it's a case of having to ask him to remove photos. These are old photos which his ex has just randomly tagged out of the blue, and given that she doesn't like you and still has feeling for your bf, it would seem she's stirring trouble, however if your bf hasn't untagged himself of his own accord i'd be wondering why?

If an old flame suddenly tagged a load of pictures of me from years ago, i'd untag them straight away out of basic respect to my bf. I think its completely out of order to ask him to take down photos from ages ago however, even if they are of him and the ex kissing or whatever, it seems a bit insecure, but yes tagging old pictures of them is just s**t stirring tbh, why didn't she tag them the first time she put them up?

But i'd be more worried that your bf didn't even think to untag them of his own accord, surely he would out of basic respect to the woman he's now with? So yeah personally i'd be having a calm word with him an telling him how disrespectful if is of him to not untag these photos, if he decides not to untag them after that, well then personally i'd be seeing serious red flags.

LegacyUser

I'm not sure if you can tag someone else in your own photos if you are not facebook friends with them.

So, OP, my question is, is your bf facebook friends with his ex? You say that he "actively avoids her whenever possible", so it would seem strange to me if they were.

For the record, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to untag himself in these old, but recently posted, photos.

Chinafoot

isitok wrote: »

Theyre not friends anymore, he tried to be friends with her after the break up because theyre involved in a group together and have a lot of the same friends but it was difficult and then once I was on the scene she became unreasonable with intrusive phonecalls etc so now he doesnt talk to her and actively avoids her whenever possible. We all live within 20 mins of each other so we do know a lot of the same people so yea I basically know she hates me because yes she was still in love with him and now she feels ive ruined her chance of a reunion.

If he actively avoids her in real life why is he friends with her on facebook? If they weren't friends she wouldn't be able to tag him at all.

As for you having to see the pictures on his page. Do you mean the 5 or 6 pictures across the top? My understanding (and I could be wrong) was that they are recently tagged pictures so if anyone else tags a photo of him it will appear there and replace the ones she has tagged.

Personally I wouldn't advise making a big deal about this. If your relationship is solid then it shouldn't be an issue really. I would perhaps ask why they are still friends on facebook when they don't speak to each other.

magneticimpulse

isitok wrote: »

But i dont want him to delete them or get rid of them, he has them on his laptop and im quite happy with that, it doesnt bother me at all, as ive said i have pictures of myself and my ex too on my computer, just not on facebook, it is only the fact that they are on facebook that bothers me.

Anyway my real problem is with his ex and her recent tagging of my boyfriend in old photos of the two of them.

And no I dont think he wants to go back to those days with his ex at all.

IMO I think its unreasonable for anyone to have photos fullstop of their ex, even if it is on their computer! I personally remove photo's of ex's from my computer. If its a nice photo of me I will crop them out. Ive still 100s of photos of me on holidays etc, so its not like I am destroying memories. Who wants to remember an ex fullstop??

The reason I got into the habit of deleting ex's from facebook and especially laptop is that all by ex's by coinscience have searched my laptop and found photos of ex's on my laptop. They cried and cried and it upset them so much. For me it wasnt a big deal, i never looked at the photos, they meant nothing to me. For that reason since then, I believe its good practise to delete photos/emails/letters or anything from an ex. I mean whats the point in keeping that? Who really wants to have memories of an ex? It didnt work out, get over it and move on in life.

So yes, I think your right that he should untag himself from his ex's photos. But in doing that, I think you would have to compromise and delete all evidence of your previous ex's, whether its photos on your laptop/presents/emails or any token memories. If you think its wrong to have these photos on facebook, i think its equally wrong for them to be stored on personal laptops...besides whats the big deal in keeping them...its an ex!

Count Duckula

magneticimpulse wrote: »

IMO I think its unreasonable for anyone to have photos fullstop of their ex, even if it is on their computer! I personally remove photo's of ex's from my computer. If its a nice photo of me I will crop them out. Ive still 100s of photos of me on holidays etc, so its not like I am destroying memories. Who wants to remember an ex fullstop??

Who really wants to have memories of an ex? It didnt work out, get over it and move on in life.

delete all evidence of your previous ex's, whether its photos on your laptop/presents/emails or any token memories. besides whats the big deal in keeping them...its an ex!

I have to say that this strikes me as bad advice. There's plenty of relationships that end that don't do so acrimoniously. Whether you like it or not, your exes are part of your life and have helped shape who you are today. There's plenty of people who have broken up with those that they were in a relationship with for whatever reason, but that doesn't mean they can't look back fondly on the good times they had together.

Ms. X and Mr. Y might have had the most wonderful six months backpacking through India. They since realised they wanted different things in life and broke up, but now that Ms. X has got together with Mr. Z she's not going to simply forget that Mr. Y ever existed. She had some wonderful times with him; times she'll always remember fondly.

There's nothing unhealthy about fondly remembering a past relationship unless its shadow starts to negatively affect the present one.

magneticimpulse

Count Duckula wrote: »

I have to say that this strikes me as bad advice. There's plenty of relationships that end that don't do so acrimoniously. Whether you like it or not, your exes are part of your life and have helped shape who you are today. There's plenty of people who have broken up with those that they were in a relationship with for whatever reason, but that doesn't mean they can't look back fondly on the good times they had together.

Ms. X and Mr. Y might have had the most wonderful six months backpacking through India. They since realised they wanted different things in life and broke up, but now that Ms. X has got together with Mr. Z she's not going to simply forget that Mr. Y ever existed. She had some wonderful times with him; times she'll always remember fondly.

There's nothing unhealthy about fondly remembering a past relationship unless its shadow starts to negatively affect the present one.

We have to agree to disagree with that. I dont think it is healthy to think fondly of any memories of an ex. I understand people have different ways of dealing with things. Of course if a holiday was good you can remember the "holiday". But its very easy to blank out the ex. Especially if you have moved on in a new relationship. I see nothing healthy about looking back and dwelling on previous relationships. It was a failure, why would anybody want to keep onto something that failed? Surely the new person in your life is the only one you should be thinking about fondly. If people are thinking about ex's and past memories fondly, I would question have they really moved on from the previous relationship and are they really ready for a new one?

28064212

magneticimpulse wrote: »

We have to agree to disagree with that. I dont think it is healthy to think fondly of any memories of an ex. I understand people have different ways of dealing with things. Of course if a holiday was good you can remember the "holiday". But its very easy to blank out the ex. Especially if you have moved on in a new relationship. I see nothing healthy about looking back and dwelling on previous relationships. It was a failure, why would anybody want to keep onto something that failed? Surely the new person in your life is the only one you should be thinking about fondly. If people are thinking about ex's and past memories fondly, I would question have they really moved on from the previous relationship and are they really ready for a new one?

You deem any relationship that doesn't end in eternal love a "failure"? That's bizarre. I have exs that I'm still friends with, never mind exs that I have fond memories of. I have no intention of ever getting back with them, and I still remember why we broke up and weren't right for each other, but I certainly don't ever want to blank them out of my life just because it didn't work out

G86

magneticimpulse wrote: »

We have to agree to disagree with that. I dont think it is healthy to think fondly of any memories of an ex. I understand people have different ways of dealing with things. Of course if a holiday was good you can remember the "holiday". But its very easy to blank out the ex. Especially if you have moved on in a new relationship. I see nothing healthy about looking back and dwelling on previous relationships. It was a failure, why would anybody want to keep onto something that failed? Surely the new person in your life is the only one you should be thinking about fondly. If people are thinking about ex's and past memories fondly, I would question have they really moved on from the previous relationship and are they really ready for a new one?

I completely disagree with both of your posts also. Relationships don't work out for different reasons, but that doesn't change the fact that you were once happy with that person, and you have memories of happy times with them. Those memories don't just disappear because you've broken up! For example, I have pictures of my birthday last year up on facebook and there are a good few photos of my ex in them, and I've never even thought about taking them down! Sure it was a great night, and my ex was a part of that. It doesn't mean that I haven't moved on, in fact it's quite the opposite, it shows that I can look back fondly on the past and see it for what it is - the past. If anyone I was seeing had a problem with that then I'd be concerned as to their level of insecurity.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Yeah I think its fair to ask he detag them. Kind of diminshes the status of you as a couple to people looking at the photos.

I am still tagged in couple-y photos with my ex. Leaving it that way for now but will detag them if I ever get a new girlfriend lol.

Sleepy

metrovelvet wrote: »

I know someone who had a stack of love letters from the big love of his life, with whom he had a child, and the child was given up for adoption.

His new wife found the letters and destroyed them without asking him or telling him she found them.

If someone did that to me, I would have serious questions about who this person was in doing something like that to my past and to my property.

However, he didnt care. He thought 'fair enough' if it bothered her that much.

It all depends on what the pictures mean to him and what you mean to him and no one here can answer that.

Wow, she'd have been an ex-wife pretty quick for that if I was in his shoes.

OP, your boyfriend's past is his past. There's traces of it everywhere on-line and IRL. Would you feel right asking all his friends to forget he'd ever gone out with her?

magneticimpulse

sunflower27 wrote: »

Totally agree. This whole 'get rid of everything about them' screams insecurity and totally irrational beahviour to me. If I was with someone that demanded I delete everything I'd tell them to take a hike. No-one should ever have that much control over what a person does with memories from their past.

For God's sake, get a grip. They are flippin photos :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

Its not insecurity at all. Its about being at Zen with yourself. Its very refreshing experience to move on from a past relationship. It was a failure. If it didnt end up in Marriage, kids and happy ever after...it was a failure.

Being able to accept that is totally a person who moves on for a fresh start in life with a new beginning and a door wide open for new memories. Its complete opposite to insecurity. Its about being completely secure in yourself and not clinging onto the past.

Anyone who clings onto the past and memories/photos of ex's IMO has issues.

Count Duckula

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Its not insecurity at all. Its about being at Zen with yourself. Its very refreshing experience to move on from a past relationship. It was a failure. If it didnt end up in Marriage, kids and happy ever after...it was a failure.

Being able to accept that is totally a person who moves on for a fresh start in life with a new beginning and a door wide open for new memories. Its complete opposite to insecurity. Its about being completely secure in yourself and not clinging onto the past.

Anyone who clings onto the past and memories/photos of ex's IMO has issues.

Two points:

1. If a relationship doesn't end up with marriage and kids then it's a failure? Given that I don't want kids and would be willing to also remain unmarried if it mattered to the woman in my life, I guess I'm screwed. All my relationships will be failures until I die.

2. Anyone who holds on to memories of their exes has issues? Do you wipe your memory every time you break up? That's ridiculous, improbable and almost insulting. And to suggest that people who don't agree with you must therefore "have issues"... well, I won't even get started on that.

OP - I think it might be a good idea to ask him to detag himself, particularly if it's bothering you this much. If he protests, tell him that even though he thinks it might be unreasonable it bothers you and that should surely be enough reason for him. At the same time, however, I don't think you should ask him to get rid of all of his photos of them together (although I notice that you've said already you won't do that). Just don't take any of the advice demanding that you burn his past in a pit of fiery destruction to heart.

magneticimpulse

Count Duckula wrote: »

Two points:

1. If a relationship doesn't end up with marriage and kids then it's a failure? Given that I don't want kids and would be willing to also remain unmarried if it mattered to the woman in my life, I guess I'm screwed. All my relationships will be failures until I die.

2. Anyone who holds on to memories of their exes has issues? Do you wipe your memory every time you break up? That's ridiculous, improbable and almost insulting. And to suggest that people who don't agree with you must therefore "have issues"... well, I won't even get started on that.

OP - I think it might be a good idea to ask him to detag himself, particularly if it's bothering you this much. If he protests, tell him that even though he thinks it might be unreasonable it bothers you and that should surely be enough reason for him. At the same time, however, I don't think you should ask him to get rid of all of his photos of them together (although I notice that you've said already you won't do that). Just don't take any of the advice demanding that you burn his past in a pit of fiery destruction to heart.

Yeah of course relationships dont require marriage or kids, there are also same sex relationships. Im talking about it in a general terms as in if and when you split up and parted ways it has been a failure. It didnt work out! Of course if a relationship continues its not a failure, its a success.

Yeah it is totally possible to erase your mind after a relationship ends. Its very easy to put everything about it, into a compartment in the back of your mind and completely forget about that person! How is that even more possible? By deleting them from everything, photos, facebook, emails...anything that would remind you of them. People should try it...its just like on your laptop when you delete documents or whatever in the recycle bin, its a sense of achievement and frees up space for new "documents".

Thou I do agree with you that OP should ask him to untag himself from the photos. Thats just weird. Ive friends who had wedding photos on facebook and they got divorced, so of course the wedding photos were all deleted from facebook and now they have new photos of the new bloke in their life. I would find it very odd if anybody was in a new relationship and kept photos of holidays/events of their ex up on facebook. In fact its quite the social norm now to untag yourself and delete photos of ex's...i see many friends on facebook doing this day in and day out.

metrovelvet

I read you, erased you, rewrote you, and turned the page.

Elba101

OP I'm going through the exact same thing. What I found weird was that his ex had untaged herself?! But I decided i wouldn't ask him to take them down.

It's just his past and deleting pics ain't gonna do anything. However, if they were recently tagged, while your together, then i would say something about it. I wouldn't want photos of my bf all over someone else on show to everyone. It's a bit strange that she tagged him in them tbh...

28064212

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Yeah it is totally possible to erase your mind after a relationship ends. Its very easy to put everything about it, into a compartment in the back of your mind and completely forget about that person! How is that even more possible? By deleting them from everything, photos, facebook, emails...anything that would remind you of them. People should try it...its just like on your laptop when you delete documents or whatever in the recycle bin, its a sense of achievement and frees up space for new "documents".

And you had the nerve to call other people "not healthy"? What you're suggesting is pretty much an exact definition of repression, not something any psychiatrist would recommend. Do you erase jobs you got fired from out of your mind too?

Our experiences are what make us who we are. "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

magneticimpulse

^ hang on there and i'll just attend the shrine ive set up to all the dear ex's I ever dated. While uploading all their photos on facebook and dedicating an album to them in their memory.

Look having photos of ex's on Facebook is just weird especially if you are still tagged in them and they are wrapped around you while your current partner has to look at them everyday.

Count Duckula

I can only agree with Sunflower. It's only natural to want to remember good times, and obviously we all had good times with our exes because - as Sunflower said - we wouldn't have been with them otherwise. That the relationship ended doesn't mean you can't remember those good times.

If you keep finding yourself looking back at your past relationships and wishing you were still in them, then that's unhealthy. You're clearly not over the person you were with at the time, and it's to the detriment of your current relationship that you're pining for them back. But I'd say it was the mark of a healthy and honest person that they can be entirely loyal and in love with their current partner, but also have some very fond memories of their previous ones. They know that the other relationships weren't right for them - they ended! But that doesn't mean those relationships didn't have some incredible high points.

Hell, for some people there'll be points in previous relationships that were so romantic, lovely and brilliant that no matter how many relationships they have since they'll never get topped. That doesn't mean they won't be committed to those future relationships and it doesn't mean they want to be back in the first one; it just means that something exceptional happened, and it's a moment they want to treasure forever. You don't grow more in love with every subsequent relationship, and you can't expect a partner to only ever think about you.

metrovelvet

I think its human nature to re write your history. I also think its ok if you want to erase your own history, even if I find it a little self negating and somehow dishonest with yourself.

However, I find it totally abusive to try to negate, change or revise someone else's history whether that history is bad or good or most likely a mix of both.

Like I would say to a holocaust denyer, 'kick them in the balls and then tell them it never happenned."

What I suspect makes people nervous about reminders of an ex's past, is that once upon a time this person felt the same way about this abstract stranger that he or she does for you now, and its an unsettling reminder that you too could be in the dustbin of history and that love does not last forever.

Count Duckula

I think there's also an element not just that the current relationship could go the same way, but if your partner feels that way about you now what's to say they don't feel the same way about their previous partners? Especially if the breakup was amicable enough - that spark existed between them once, what's to stop it reigniting?

You just have to trust that it won't, I suppose. And if it's going to, your partner keeping photos and memories or destroying them is not going to make much difference. And frankly, even if it did, if someone stayed with me purely because they couldn't think about ir remember their exes as I'd made them destroy everything about them, I'd wonder if our relationship was strong enough in the first place. I'm quite happy to let my partner have memories and photos, because it shows that, despite those reminders of the good times, she'd rather be with me.