Personal Hygiene

LegacyUser

Could someone help?

My wife has a personal hygiene prob. in that when we are together, I noticed she smells down there in her privates. This smell is of urine. She does shower weekly, but not every day. I don't know what to say to her?
This has been going on for ten years, and is a complete and utter- instant turn off. I hate saying this; but its disgusting.
Yesterday I just stopped, and got up, and walked away. And now I'm really angry about it. She is really great in every other way, but personal hygiene in general is poor. I have tried to give her the message, and I think she does get it, but she still does this. I don't want to make love to her again. but don't want to hurt her either.
What the hell do I do, or say?

LegacyUser

God this is an awkward one. You could always maybe "drag" her for some sexy shower time? Otherwise, really daily showering is a must especially in an intimate relationship. You can't expect someone to want to be with you if you're not sparkling clean. I think you're going to have to just tell her. It's not going to be a nice conversation, but it's a necessary one. If it was the other way around, wouldn't you rather know than have her stop halfway through and walk off without explanation. It will probably be mortifying for her to hear, but it's basic hygiene and she probably should have gotten to grips with that by now. Good luck!!

tinkerbell

She's your wife, not someone you've just started dating. I would expect in any long-term relationship that there is open and frank discussion about what bothers you, none of this trying to tell her gently in a roundabout way. Tell her she smells down there and needs to wash herself. It's a basic requirement. I don't see how she could get offended about it - clearly she knows she smells if it's that bad, she'll smell it when she goes to the bathroom.

StormWarrior

My ex boyfriend also showered only weekly and had foul-smelling genitals. I explicity asked him to improve his hygiene and wash daily but he still didn't! I think you should tell your wife very clearly (but in a nice, caring tone of voice) that you want her to shower daily, otherwise you won't be having sex with her any more as her lack of personal hygiene is a turn off. If she still doesn't wash, take action by refusing to sleep with her and see if that works. But I think the best thing is to tell her outright. Just trying to tempt her to have a sexy shower isn't enough. Does she change her clothes daily? Not washing can be a sign of depression.

ElleEm

You should compliment her when she smells good, and frequently "jump" her after she showers. Always tell her when she does smell good, or encourage her through saying "you should wear that perfume more often" etc. I know it's a particular "smell" you're complaining about but she might be more prone to showering so you can smell the nice smell!!
Even say things like, "God, you must have been running around the place all day, you seem like you were sweating" or something.

Maybe I'm too honest, but sometimes if my boyfriend is a bit smelly, I'd be quick about telling him, (he works in a physical job so sweats A LOT). Even if his breath is smelly, I'll say something like "did you have onions with your lunch?" or something. Sometimes I'll say "I'll get the dinner on while you shower", so not that I'm telling him to shower but he takes the hint!

Don't make it a big issue and embarrass her. Just say things in conversation. If you think she's feeling a bit frisky, say that you love when she smells all fresh after a shower and it would turn you on if she had one before sexy time. Or like the other poster said- shower WITH her. If you only have sex with her after she showers for a while, she may get the hint.

Miss Fluff

I actually heaved reading your post. How could anyone think it acceptable to wash once a week? And how could they then expect a partner to be intimate with them? There's no pussy-footing around this topic tbh, you simply have to tell her outright (without being cruel - stick to facts) that she smells badly and that it is a big turn-off. In my experience, dropping hints to someone who has personal hygiene issues simply doesn't work, you're going to have to leave her in no doubt.

Am curious as to why after ten long years of tolerating such poor personal hygiene are you only addressing this issue now?

Walls

Tell her. It might be worthwhile pointing out that if you are aware of it, other people are too.

She needs to have you reflect reality to her right now, not to encourage her blindness to this problem.

Edit; you may need to have her change her underwear as well, I suspect.

metrovelvet

You are just going to have to come out and say it.

That is truly disgusting. YUCK.

As tinkerbell said, I can't imagine how it could be that awkward to talk to your wife. If she's that weird about stuff like that, I guess you could dress it up as you not being a big fan of downstairs smell in general, and that if she could shower every day you'd personally really appreciate it.

I'm 20 and not married, so I'm not really qualified to judge, but it really seems like this isn't a contained problem. You've managed to get to the stage of marriage without ever broaching an issue that affects you as much as this. It seems quite strange.

In addition to washing, it is actually really important not to smother down there. Smell/hygiene/infection problems can also be caused by wearing tight underwear or underwear with non-breathable material. Maybe in addition to washing, attempts to get her to let things breathe down there would be helpful. Buy her cotton based sexy underwear, etc. You mentioned a smell of urine; it could be that she has slight (it's actually quite common) control issues with her bladder, causing an unnoticeable amount of urine to continuously dry into her underwear, which would then greatly contribute to the smell. I know this advice isn't particularly helpful, but it's certainly something to think about. Talk to her.

up for anything

Maybe it is a tactic she is using to put you off sex with her for whatever reason.

flowerchild

It must feel very difficult for you to notice this and not be quite sure how to address it. It can feel embarrassing, but at the same time, if you respond with anger or contempt it risks exacerbating/fracturing your core relationship with her.

I recommend waiting until you are in bed together, giving her a cuddle and having a talk about it. It lessens the chance that she will run away/storm off and the cuddle lets her know at a physical level that you still love her as you both talk through a tricky issue.

It would be rarely effective to simply tell her to wash. That is because there must be structural issues/barriers that need to be identified and addressed.

You do not mention whether she has kids, but some mothers get in the habit of putting themselves last. So if that is the issue, she might need to hear from you and think 'Put my own oxygen mask on first, then assist others'.

It is possible she is rushing in the morning and sees a shower as 'optional'. In that case the solution might be two-fold. First understanding that a shower is a 'must-have'. Secondly, maybe getting to bed earlier, getting a good night's sleep and getting up half an hour earlier to have plenty of time to shower.

The last possibility is that she is unhappy and manifesting it in her showering. In which case talk that through as well.

A useful series of questions/statements:

I notice.... How does that fit with what you experience?

How come?

How do you want to come across to others? Very gentle voice tone with this since the question is confronting.

What prevents you from giving yourself the gift of a daily shower? What else prevents you? what else?

What benefits will there be to you when you shower each day?

What benefits will there be to others when you shower each day?

When do you want to start showering each day?

Is there anything that might get in the way?


The questions are confronting because they herd her towards change. So talk it through with love and respect. Good luck.

Sibylla

I really feel for you OP. It is pretty disgusting surely for herself she would like to feel clean let alone expecting a sexual relationship. You're only option is to be open and frank I'm sure if the situation was reversed she would say it.

kevin99

She needs to be told to shower every morning and evening if needs be. I would not put up with that from her.
You need to be direct with her and tell her she stinks of piss.
And tell her to change her knickers every day and even twice a day if she leaks.
Don't tolerate her bad hygiene behaviour.

I would check her every day and if she smells of piss give her a sound spanking on her ass.

Cuddlesworth

fedupwiththis wrote: »

Could someone help?

My wife has a personal hygiene prob. in that when we are together, I noticed she smells down there in her privates. This smell is of urine. She does shower weekly, but not every day. I don't know what to say to her?
This has been going on for ten years, and is a complete and utter- instant turn off. I hate saying this; but its disgusting.
Yesterday I just stopped, and got up, and walked away. And now I'm really angry about it. She is really great in every other way, but personal hygiene in general is poor. I have tried to give her the message, and I think she does get it, but she still does this. I don't want to make love to her again. but don't want to hurt her either.
What the hell do I do, or say?

If she showers around once a week, then yes thats the problem. If she showers every second day then it might not be. Sweat neutralise's the odor of piss which should itself not be strong smelling outside of the morning time. Its possible that she is in a constant state of dehydration leading to the strong odor. You could only really find out by openly broaching this with her.

Cheap Thrills!

I am absolutely aghast at this story.

Was she always this way? Just showering once a week?

You need to have a very forthright discussion with her. I don't think gentle hints are going to work here.

Somewhere in her life things have broken down, for a woman to only wash once a week is very odd. I mean surely the smell would bother HER herself if no-one else!

Perhaps she has become immune to it. You need to tell her in no uncertain terms she smells of piss. If she has no shame about it or won't change then I don't see any future for the relationship.

Maybe somehow, as incomprehensible as it is to most people, she doesn't realise/understand that this is not acceptable. If she was always like this maybe it was a catastrophic parenting fail in her early life.

Somehow you have got to get the message through to her, if she can't comprehend it then seriously look at getting her to go to her GP to get her some help.

cantdecide

I also think you need to address the situation head-on. As above, the big question is whether it has always been this way. If something has changed in recent years, you need to figure out what.

I think the first thing to do is get a spiel together. I think a good way to begin is "I have something to say and you're not going to like it...". Don't mention p**s or urine. Just mention "smells" and as posted, refer to being a little averse to 'downstairs smells' at the best of times.

If you're on the casual side about washing too, you could propose to make a pact to begin washing every day for your mutual benefit. Personally, I need to shower every day just to wake up.

petethebrick

Oh come on OP! Just tell her for god's sake.
I'm honestly bemused. How can you have been married to someone for so long and not raised this issue?? More importantly, how can you have been married to someone so long and not feel comfortable to raise issues like this???

To the other posters who reply that 'oh this is a tricky one', 'touchy subject' etc - this is bollocks. It's related to simple, basic personal hygiene.
I've raised this exact issue with someone I had just started dating never mind someone I've been married to for 10 years!

No pussyfooting around it either - tell her she must shower daily and that's that

And be firm if she gets annoyed with you for bringing it up! No sleeping with her or sex until she changes full stop!!

ztoical

I honestly thought when I started reading that this was going to be a new relationship but together 10 years and married? Seriously OP just say to her. I've no issue telling my flatmate if they're being messy so how can it be so hard to tell your wife she needs to take a shower? I dated guy with bad breath a few years back and after going out a week I told him he needed to brush his teeth before he was getting a kiss or anything more. He moaned at me when I first said it but when he saw he wasn't getting sex you bet he got his ass into the bathroom and scrubed the life out of his teeth every time

Surely she must know you have an issue if you just got up and walked away in the middle of sex???

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

Thanks so much everyone for your advice, especially advice from women. To clear up a few things, we have been together ten years but married only 6 months. I haven't confronted her before because she is very insecure, and I dont want to make her less confident than she is already. I really do love her, she is a kind sweet person. Regards someone saying she is trying to stop having sex? you have a poor opinion of men if you think having sex with ones wife against her will is ok. Truth is she loves sex in a good way.
I have tried to gently tell her, and say things like you should wear pefume more etc. She was bullied when young, and so she is very stubborn. To some here it seems strange that we got to this stage without broaching the subject.

Thing is, the problem isn't there all the time. I try to gently nudge her to personal hygene, but then she showers, but goes back to not being clean, when I think she is improving. We don't have kids- she doesn't want any under any circumstances, and will not even discuss the matter.
Sorry guys, you probably think this is weird of me but my wife is very childlike, has been hurt, and I can't bare to be cruel. I just know she would take it personally, and feel ashamed, and feel ugly, and thats the prob. Looks like I should confront her, and tell her in a gentle way that she needs to be clean. I probably get silent treatment for a few days.

tinkerbell

OP, there is no excuse for her not being clean down there. None at all. And if she gives you the silent treatment for a few days - well it's her own fault. How can you be expected to make love to her if she stinks? Her having low self-esteem or being bullied when she was younger is no excuse. We live in 2011, not back in the stone-age where showering was probably not a major priority.

You've tried to go the roundabout / save her feelings way, it does not work. Tell her she smells and she has to keep a level of personal hygiene as it's making a barrier between you both.

cantdecide

+1, OP. You've had the patience of a saint so far.

Tell her you know she'll be upset but you've decided this can't wait any longer. You must have your way on this.

Ickle Magoo

Would you rather have the silent treatment and a wife that doesn't stink or leave it as is?

You aren't the bad guy here - as a grown adult with easy access to running water and soap, at no time should she need to be told by anyone else that her personal hygiene is deplorable and you should point that out if she even attempts to do anything bar apologise. It's her action, or inaction as the case may be, and nothing else that has placed you both in this awkward position. I think you need to tell her a few home truths because constantly having to tell your wife she needs to wash more frequently than once a week is ridiculous and is going to get more and more irritating every time she lapses - she needs to know she's in danger of ruining her marriage & turning her husband off her permanently out of sheer laziness.

All the best.

The Lovely Muffin

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, there is no excuse for her not being clean down there. None at all. And if she gives you the silent treatment for a few days - well it's her own fault. How can you be expected to make love to her if she stinks? Her having low self-esteem or being bullied when she was younger is no excuse. We live in 2011, not back in the stone-age where showering was probably not a major priority.

You've tried to go the roundabout / save her feelings way, it does not work. Tell her she smells and she has to keep a level of personal hygiene as it's making a barrier between you both.

I agree completely with tinkerbell.

I was bullied when I was young and I am not too confident either, but it doesn't mean I have bad personal hygiene. If I had any bad smell off me I'd certainly hope someone would let me know and be very clear with me rather than 'gentle hints/nudges'.

Bullying/insecurities/lack-of-confidence/being childlike are absolutely no reasons for bad personal hygiene.

As others have said, you need to be up front and tell her about this and hope she changes her ways.

I somehow don't think "gentle nudges" will give her the hint OP, you need to be 100% honest with her. Hurtful it may be, but it's your wife's fault, she has no one else to blame.

ztoical

Whats worse having a person who is meant to love you not able to be honest with you or that person telling you something that will improve your lives together?

I'm sorry OP but regardless of you saying she's child like she is not a child and you are her partner not her parent.

Morag

Buy her packets of vag wipes in boots and leave one by her side of the bed and in the bathroom.

Either that or have a grow up conversation with her about your sex life, as she doesn't seem to want to have sex with you and is using this to put you off.

Cheap Thrills!

fedupwiththis wrote: »

We don't have kids- she doesn't want any under any circumstances, and will not even discuss the matter.

That's a whole other thread OP. Very 'my way or the highway'

fedupwiththis wrote: »

Sorry guys, you probably think this is weird of me but my wife is very childlike, has been hurt, and I can't bare to be cruel.

Look, you have to be cruel to be kind. What's the alternative?
Leave her because she's too childish too wash herself and might take offence if this is pointed out to her?

OP, loads of people have been hurt/abused etc. That doesn't excuse being smelly, at all. If she starts playing her violin, let her. If she sulks, let her. If she cries or ignores you, let her.

Don't let her play the wounded victim just because she is being told she needs to wash.

fedupwiththis wrote: »

I just know she would take it personally, and feel ashamed, and feel ugly, and thats the prob.

She should take it personally and she should be ashamed. Somehow she has managed to convince herself that she doesn't need to wash and you are allowing her to think there is no problem. You are not doing her or yourself any favours.

fedupwiththis wrote: »

Looks like I should confront her, and tell her in a gentle way that she needs to be clean. I probably get silent treatment for a few days.

You probably will. But it's either that or endure it. You are actually doing her a favour, I'm not sure if she works etc but you can be sure that whoever has to spend the day with her will have noticed and people will be talking about her and ostracising her.

It's one thing people do not countenance excuses about!!

Miss Fluff

fedupwiththis wrote: »

I haven't confronted her before because she is very insecure, and I dont want to make her less confident than she is already.

Knowing you let her walk around smelling like an alley cat will make her doubly insecure. Because I can put money on it that other people have gotten the smell from her as well and I am sure you don't want your wife to be talked about in that fashion? Personally I would actually curl up and die if I thought I smelled awful - you're her husband, you have to tell her!

You sound like a nice chap but to me it sounds like she plays the victim card a little. It's a shame she was bullied and it's a shame that has had an effect on her. That's in no way a reasonable excuse for being dirty though. You need to have this conversation very soon and in no uncertain terms whatsoever. Being tactful evidently hasn't worked. If she cries and throws a strop and sulks then let her get on with it but you need to be clear.

And I am sorry but your reference to having children speaks volumes.


"she doesn't want any under any circumstances, and will not even discuss the matter"

This makes her sound totally spoilt, immature and unreasonable. Maybe its time for a couple more home truths as well OP....

LegacyUser

Hi OP here again,

To keep this in context, someone mentioned other people could notice- but as I said, it's only when we are together, in other words making love. Thats when I notice. Its not something other people would notice at all, its not as bad as that.

She doesn't wear make up, which is her choice, and I understand that, she doesn't even wear face cream, or lip balm. Only when I say it to her does she wear lip balm, as i said I'm totally fed up telling her, and suggesting etc.
Its not that I mind her not wearing makeup, its the fact she does not look after herself very well. She has nice clothes but rarely wears them. She only wore a dress at our wedding, and she has a fantastic figure. Thanks for all your advice, I'm beginning to see this is a bigger picture.

LegacyUser

Alot of judgement here against you wife OP, the fact is that you have been in a intimate relationship with this person for 10 years and have put up with this or accepted it, i am not sure which one, but i think its hardly your wives fault as far as she is concerned she has been good enough up until now and it is now you who is changing the rules, rightly or wrongly some perople are not so bothered about hygiene down there and view it as a natural thing and as an adult it is thery're right to choose how they live life, maybe she is hygenicaly and cosmetically challenged in your eyes and others here, but you knew this for ten years and said nothing to substantiate it as a problem that was a deal breaker and now all of a sudden its a huge problem and you need it changing asap. i think accept your wife for whoever she is or dont.

Wonkagirl

fedupwiththis wrote: »

Its not that I mind her not wearing makeup, its the fact she does not look after herself very well.

TBH, what i'd be worried about is what'll happen if you have kids. Will she treat them with the same lack of care? Will she only change their nappies once a day? Will they only wash / be washed once a week? In my teens i saw girls BULLIED in school due to lack of personal hygiene, this is a minefield waiting to explode like.

It's nearly more what it symbolises, rather than what it is. It symbolises someone who is lazy, doesnt take care of herself and ergo doesnt take care of you.

You need to be firm with her. Or maybe get Rentokil on the job (not to kill her obv, but to give her a regular hosing down). Seriously, I read this yesterday afternoon while feeling a little delicate, i struggled not to gawk to be honest.

Medusa22

I definitely think that showering once a week is far too infrequent but I wonder when it became essential to shower every day. I shower every second day, my sister showers every third day and so do my parents, my ex boyfriend showered every third day and I have a friend who does the same, and I'm sure there must be more of us!! I can imagine all of these people on the thread getting ready to take the disinfectant out on us, utterly ridiculous. If you don't smell and your hair is clean (I might add that it isn't good for your hair to wash it every day) then I don't see why a daily shower is essential and surely a woman that showers once a week is definitely not going to consider such frequent showering, you could at least try to ease her into it OP.

Miaireland

OP I'm just wondering if your wife has an issue with her bladder? I know there is an issue with the lack of showers but if she changes her underwear daily there should not be such a strong smell. I wonder is this condition part medical?

LegacyUser

I definitely think that showering once a week is far too infrequent but I wonder when it became essential to shower every day. I shower every second day, my sister showers every third day and so do my parents, my ex boyfriend showered every third day and I have a friend who does the same, and I'm sure there must be more of us!! I can imagine all of these people on the thread getting ready to take the disinfectant out on us, utterly ridiculous. If you don't smell and your hair is clean (I might add that it isn't good for your hair to wash it every day) then I don't see why a daily shower is essential and surely a woman that showers once a week is definitely not going to consider such frequent showering, you could at least try to ease her into it OP.

I think it depends on a persons activity level though, what they work at etc i go to the gym 5 times a week and sometimes i end up having 2 showers a day, there's no way personally i could only shower every 2nd day or i'd reek of sweat and BO, i used to work in an enviroment where i was rushing around all day again 2 days and i would just smell 'stale', also as a woman during my period i'd have to shower every day or again i'd smell. I think if she actually smells of urine though its more than just a washing issue, she may have a weak bladder or something, maybe she doesn't wipe properly when she pees, either way after 10 years together i think the time for the softly softly approach has long gone, OP you should just tell her straight out that you can get a strong smell of urine when you're being intimate with her and its a turn off, simple as.

Sorry guys, you probably think this is weird of me but my wife is very childlike, has been hurt, and I can't bare to be cruel

as has been said you are supposed to be her partner not her parent or her carer, she's a grown woman for gods sake, if it is a bladder problem, what will she be like when she gets older, she'll reek of p***, the longer you leave this OP the worse it will get. Yeah she may be upset/hurt for a while but she'll get over it, would you rather a few days of the silent treatment or a lifetime of an unhygenic partner?

lynsalot

I'll be honest. initially i was convinced this was a joke. I'm sorry.

Buts its clearly a real issue.

Ok it sounds like this is an emotional issue rather than a physical one. Could your wife benefit from speaking with someone about her insecurities and learn some self confidence building techniques. The thing is, if she doesn't feel good about herself she's not going to want to dress up / wear make up / take care of herself. She wonders whats the point. This manifests itself into hygiene sometimes also.

If the smell is just confined to the intimate area and only noticeable when you're very much up close i'd imagine its a case that she's washing herself adequately but obviously not down there. Which again, could be attributed to not feeling good about herself/ her body/ feeling sexy whatever the issue. For some reason being sexually appealing isn't a desire of hers and it seems more important to treat this issue than anything else.

I empathise with you that you don't want to upset her but bringing this up but you can broach the subject gently. Tell her you're worried about her, that you love her and you want her to be happy in herself and ask her why she doesn't want to feel nice and sexy and glam and ask her sincerely without raising your voice etc etc. It'll hopefully let her open up to what's bothering her.

Does she ever initiate sex? I'd imagine this issue is a little deeper than just personal hygiene.

Another tip that springs to mind is if she smells of urine it could be a case that her pubic hair is quite long and retaining fluid when she pees. It might be an easier topic to approach it from this angle if it's applicable.

Another poster mentioned a possible incontinence problem. it's worth investigating alright.

And are you really happy enough without the prospect of having children? Again I wonder why she won't discuss this. It sounds like there might have been a kind of sexual abuse or incident that happened in the past which has tainted her view on having an intimate relationship. But i'm not a shrink. It's a few possibilities. Hope it helped. Let us know how u get on.

ztoical

fedupwiththis wrote: »

To keep this in context, someone mentioned other people could notice- but as I said, it's only when we are together, in other words making love. Thats when I notice. Its not something other people would notice at all, its not as bad as that.

If it's only an issue when your having sex then just ask her to wash before that. I wouldn't see as any different from asking someone to brush their teeth. Washing doesn't mean having a big shower, good scrub will do the job.

It could also be medical as others have said related to bladder issues or could be related to diet.

fedupwiththis wrote: »

She doesn't wear make up, which is her choice, and I understand that, she doesn't even wear face cream, or lip balm. Only when I say it to her does she wear lip balm, as i said I'm totally fed up telling her, and suggesting etc.
Its not that I mind her not wearing makeup, its the fact she does not look after herself very well. She has nice clothes but rarely wears them. She only wore a dress at our wedding, and she has a fantastic figure. Thanks for all your advice, I'm beginning to see this is a bigger picture.

So what if she doesn't wear make-up or dresses. If this was something new that she only started doing recently then yes I'd be worried but if she's never been into make-up or dresses in the 10 years you've known her that I don't see how that is an issue at this stage for you. It's your view that she doesn't look after herself but your standard of what is looking after yourself and hers are clearly different. you say she doesn't shower often but does she do things like brush her teeth daily?

I don't own a single piece of make-up, face cream, lip balm nor a single dress. I've not interest in make-up or clothes and I don't work in an industry were I need to and I've never started wearing any of the above just because someone I'm seeing wants me to. I certainly feel I look after myself.

Walls

There is a woman in my immediate area with poor personal hygiene, on a par with your wife, OP. She's fine in the morning, but by the end of the day she has a strong scent off her, quite unpleasantly cloying. By Friday she is quite bad, her hair needs a wash and her office is filled with the scent of whatever it is has happened over the week.


You may feel that you are the only one smelling this but you can be assured that someone in the course of your wife's day is aware of this scent. Public transport, warm offices and routine reusage of equipment means that her odour is going to be noticeable. You should tell her, please, for her sake, so that she knows what she is doing and how she is perceived by those around her.

black & white

OP, just wondering if there is any chance she might have Depression or a related illness ? Lack of attention to personal hygiene can be one of the first signs that someone is experiencing mental heath issues. Would she go to her GP to get some professional advice ?

ztoical

The OP says she showers once a week not every day and the only issue they have is a smell during sex from her crotch which I assume he only gets when his face is near her crotch cus otherwise he should smell it at other times not just during sex. They don't say anything else regarding her hygiene level other then she doesn't wear make-up or 'dress up'. Before people go jumping on the she must stink something awful all the time or she must have depression there is more information needed....OP you say she doesn't shower but does she wash? Wash her hands before/after cooking for example, after using the bathroom etc etc Does she do her share of the cleaning in the house? Does she change her clothes every day? What about teeth does she clean them every day? Does she brush her hair? Do you smell BO from her arm pits or anywhere else during sex? I would find it strange if you smell urine but not BO as that would suggest it may not be as related to the lack of showers as something medical/physical in that region. The solution I'm afraid no matter what the reason is to talk to your wife like the adults you both are.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here again,

Thanks so much for all the help its quite touching (except for the poster ztoical). My wife doesn't have any problems with her bladder, as I have asked her. The thing is I don't want to be her boss, or her father. I am not, and do not want that kind of relationship. I want her to be her own person, and look after herself, not me telling her what to do. I will be confronting her but, I feel things will be good for a few months, and then revert back to hygiene issues again.

Back to same old, same old. How the hell do I help her, help herself, and take care of herself??? I was thinking of talking to her, and also showing her this thread, to show her the opinions of other people especially women. That way I am not being her boss, and telling her what to do.


Quote '''And are you really happy enough without the prospect of having children? Again I wonder why she won't discuss this.'''
Sorry, I have no idea. She says all she wants is herself, and myself together for the rest of our lives. Do I want kids? yeah when things are financially ok, and in a few years, when we are more sorted out.

Quote '''OP, just wondering if there is any chance she might have Depression or a related illness ?'''
No, def. not. She is happy at work, and at home. As I mentioned, she was bullied. Her Mother was not very clean at all. The parental house was in a terrible condition, I wont go into how bad it was, but bad. I feel she was brought up this way, that hygiene is not necessary. She is from the country. This forum has been a real tonic.

Cheap Thrills!

fedupwiththis wrote: »

Her Mother was not very clean at all. The parental house was in a terrible condition, I wont go into how bad it was, but bad. I feel she was brought up this way, that hygiene is not necessary. She is from the country. This forum has been a real tonic.

Ah, that explains a lot OP. I had a feeling it might be some sort of parenting failure alright. So, she possibly views showering once a week as 'normal' and because you've not said anything about it, she is none the wiser as to how odd it is.

I guarantee you though OP, regardless of what you might think. Others will have noticed, especially the other women at work. The vast majority of women shower at least once a day and are meticulously clean about their hair, clothes, nails and skin. They would be shower fresh in work every day.

Your wife's parents have neglected a basic part of her education. It would be kind and decent of you to talk to her. I know you don't want to be a parent figure to her. But I don't think she really gets it.

Sometimes dirty people make justifications about 'dry skin' 'the environment' etc etc -simply not realising how seriously offensive the issue is. She needs to open her eyes and change.

fedupwiththis wrote: »

I was thinking of talking to her, and also showing her this thread, to show her the opinions of other people especially women. That way I am not being her boss, and telling her what to do.

That's a very good idea OP. It might give her an insight into how most people think.

Miss Fluff

Being brought up in a dirty environment explains a lot. She is simply not educated in appropriate personal hygiene and while it's mad she has gotten this far in her life without being pulled up on it, it definitely does fall on you to educate her on how to wash a. regularly and b. properly.

Fluorescence

fedupwiththis wrote: »

Quote '''And are you really happy enough without the prospect of having children? Again I wonder why she won't discuss this.'''
Sorry, I have no idea. She says all she wants is herself, and myself together for the rest of our lives. Do I want kids? yeah when things are financially ok, and in a few years, when we are more sorted out.

Jesus OP, I think you have bigger problems then smelly nether regions.. She doesn't want children; you do. This isn't something you can compromise on, nor something you can talk her round to. Some people just don't want them, and it's not "childish" of her to refuse to consider it .

LegacyUser

You've been together 10 years yet only married 6 months. I presume that for many years before you got married you knew how adamant she was about not having kids. Did you perhaps think that now you are married that she might change her mind?
Could this be the reason that you are noticing more of these faults such as her being too childish. and the hygienic thing? I'm only asking because I don't understand why now after 10 years it is only now becoming a serious issue?
Also ztoical did ask a good question. If she was dirty she would have bad BO in her armpits and also just in general, and it would not just be isolated to the one area and only noticeable in close contact like sex.
She could have some type of infection, or as another person suggested just not wiping correctly. All you can do is talk to her about it. Hope it all works out well OP.

bubbaloo

fedupwiththis wrote: »

Hi OP here again,

To keep this in context, someone mentioned other people could notice- but as I said, it's only when we are together, in other words making love. Thats when I notice. Its not something other people would notice at all, its not as bad as that.

She doesn't wear make up, which is her choice, and I understand that, she doesn't even wear face cream, or lip balm. Only when I say it to her does she wear lip balm, as i said I'm totally fed up telling her, and suggesting etc.
Its not that I mind her not wearing makeup, its the fact she does not look after herself very well. She has nice clothes but rarely wears them. She only wore a dress at our wedding, and she has a fantastic figure. Thanks for all your advice, I'm beginning to see this is a bigger picture.

OP, I think you have hit the nail on the head here. It sounds to me as though your wife is completely lacking in self confidence because of a deeper issue at work here. There is a reason she is not looking after herself and perhaps a visit to a doctor/counsellor could help.
I know that sounds dramatic but judging by the way you have described her appearance and her complete refusal to talk about having children, I really believe there is something much more profound going on.
Good luck to you both.

Emme

bubbaloo wrote: »

OP, I think you have hit the nail on the head here. It sounds to me as though your wife is completely lacking in self confidence because of a deeper issue at work here. There is a reason she is not looking after herself and perhaps a visit to a doctor/counsellor could help.
I know that sounds dramatic but judging by the way you have described her appearance and her complete refusal to talk about having children, I really believe there is something much more profound going on.
Good luck to you both.

I think it's amazing in this day and age, when so many scrupulously clean, immaculately groomed women can't find partners despite their best efforts, that a woman who wilfully neglects herself can find a partner. She may appear to lack self-confidence, but if she thinks that her husband will be happy with her when she neglects herself so much then she obviously believes there's nothing wrong with her appearance or personal hygiene. Sometimes people who appear to lack self-confidence can be very manipulative. Maybe I'm being harsh and there are deeper issues at work here, but surely these would have raised themselves before now if the OP and his now wife have been together for 10 years.

OP, there is no excuse for your wife not taking care of herself. I know you said she was bullied, she's an innocent/childish person but she seems to be very definite about what she wants/doesn't want and won't take care of her appearance. This is selfish on her part. You sound like you're incredibly patient.

I can't believe that this issue hasn't raised itself in the time you've been together. Has she started to let herself go more since you got married?

You will have to be firm with her and tell her that she needs to shower every day, wash her bits and take care of herself. Once a week is NOT enough.

It sounds like she didn't have the best start in life, so it's up to you to help her make up for lost ground now.

Cheeky_gal

Can't believe some of the responses in this thread.

Who showers once a week? That's both shocking and digusting. :eek:

And whoever said "it depends on activity level", that's BS. Everyone is active to some extent during the day, getting dressed/brushing teeth/walking to the shops.

It's the norm to shower daily. Oh my god OP I can't believe you're with a woman that showers once a week. I'm sick at the thought!

Firetrap

I think the OP is going to have to try and tell his wife in as nice a way as possible that she needs to shower/bathe more often. There's no easy way to have this conversation unfortunately but perhaps if it becomes a general personal hygiene thing rather than just "down there", it might be easier? There are loads of articles on the internet explaining how to broach the general BO subject but there's no quick fix solution.

I find it hard to believe that other people who are around the OP's wife haven't also noticed the smell. If she is working, she could even run the risk of having someone take her aside for a little chat some day.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

Thank you all so much for your help. 'Cheap Thrills!' That was good advice.

Quote
'''Did you perhaps think that now you are married that she might change her mind?
Hope it all works out well OP. '''
Thanks vvvvvvvvvv I would never discuss this to anyone, but after ten years of gently nudging, and encouraging, and complimenting I am at the end of my tether.

Quote
'''You sound like you're incredibly patient.
I can't believe that this issue hasn't raised itself in the time you've been together. Has she started to let herself go more since you got married? '''
It has as I said constantly nudging etc etc ad infinitum, I thought she was changing and she has improved, but I just noticed this again recently, and that's why I am angry, and resorted to posting here in desperation.

Patient? I never thought about this, but now you say it, yes and as I said I am so completely fed up to my eye teeth with the whole thing. Its like playing tennis going forward then back then forward again.

Quote
'''I find it hard to believe that other people who are around the OP's wife haven't also noticed the smell.'''
Yes but there are people with really bad smell, and some with a minor problem. I could only notice this when we are intimate. So its not that I live with a person who never washes, its not as bad as that at all. I have said to her things like ah a nice clean wife, but she gets offended, and says 'i am clean'. But perhaps other women do notice. She doesn't change her clothes every day either, maybe every 3-4 days.

Someone mentioned counciling but that's a joke, and would be a complete waste of time. She only trusts her father, and myself. Even though she is 34, she is still 'Daddys Girl' which isn't a bad thing. Getting off the point here a little, but one thing that drives me scatty is she fibs, and will swear blind on anyones grave. So this does not help with the personal hygiene thing at all, as she is quite prepared to lie, and unless she is completely caught red handed, she will deny everything, even if she knows I know. but on the other hand she is very kind, and unique, and unaffected by life, and has some rare feminine qualities- she is a darling, and thats why I'm so exasperated. But this has really put me off being intimate, and maybe for a long time, as all I think about is the hygiene thing when we are together. I hope I forget about it soon.

Sibylla

OP It's obvious you love and care for your wife very deeply, I'm sure the last thing in the world you want is to hurt her but it really is necessary to be honest about this, For the sake of your relationship and for her own self esteem, How would she feel if a colleague remarked on this? She may not be completely aware of how bad it is. If you can notice I assure you other people can too. It's essential for everyone to shower daily with periods for women especially, She would feel better and more confident if she did. This could easily stem from her upbringing but it clearly needs to be sorted. Just sit down and tell her honestly, It's the only way.

Walls

fedupwiththis wrote: »

Quote
'''I find it hard to believe that other people who are around the OP's wife haven't also noticed the smell.'''
Yes but there are people with really bad smell, and some with a minor problem. I could only notice this when we are intimate. So its not that I live with a person who never washes, its not as bad as that at all. I have said to her things like ah a nice clean wife, but she gets offended, and says 'i am clean'. But perhaps other women do notice. She doesn't change her clothes every day either, maybe every 3-4 days.

Sorry, but if that is what happening, that she washes once a week and changes her clothes 3-4 days, then she stinks. Others notice, and they are used to it.

But she stinks, no doubt.

Showering once a week and clothes every 4 days?
Take it from me: people are noticing.
God, yuck