Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Cannabis: How to help someone who won't give up?

  • 24-02-2011 10:31AM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 67 ✭✭weemammy


    I need some advise here.
    My partner of years smokes dope on a daily base and often lies about it.
    He sneaks around, meeting people to buy it off.
    Don't get me wrong, he's not your avarage layabout dopehead, he still works 6 days a week and is a good dad.
    He knows he can't bring it to our home, so he goes out to his mates or does it while he's driving home from work.
    He knows what I think of this, I've made that clear and we've had many rows about it.
    Him not giving up, regardless of all the resulting arguments, shows me that he's pretty hooked on it.

    I myself are orriginally from The Netherlands of all places, but have never come across someone who is so desperate for it.

    I've even tried to compromise by asking him to at least do it only at weekends, which he's agreed to, but he can't even keep that up one day!
    I'm driven mad with this and really want him to stop it now, I don't want our daughter to grow up thinking it's normal and acceptable.

    I've done it myself, I'm not a saint either, but I think there's a big difference between having a few drags at a festival or party every once in a blue moon, than every single day.

    I've talked to him, talked to his family, I even contemplated ringing the Gards on him to give him a fright, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

    What should I do? Is it ever going to change, or will I have to call quits on our relationship, as I don't want to just accept this?

    Thanks


«13

Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 220 ✭✭Jimmy the Wheel


    Trying to get him to stop smoking it with nicotine, assuming he does that, might go some way to cutting down on the amount of cannabis he uses.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,264 ✭✭✭✭jester77


    You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped!

    You could report his dealers and make it more difficult for him to get.


  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 35,946 Mod ✭✭✭✭dr.bollocko


    Moved from after hours.


  • Posts: 17,378 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Does it affect your relationship? I don't even smoke anymore but is it an actual issue or is it just in your head that it's an issue?

    I've met plenty of people who've grown up with their parents being regular smokers and they turned out fine. I wouldn't be worried about your daughter.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 220 ✭✭Jimmy the Wheel


    jester77 wrote: »

    You could report his dealers and make it more difficult for him to get.

    That might cause more conflict than any going anyway towards resolving what the OP feels is a problem.

    I wouldn't advise going down that route.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 67 ✭✭weemammy


    Does it affect your relationship? I don't even smoke anymore but is it an actual issue or is it just in your head that it's an issue?

    I've met plenty of people who've grown up with their parents being regular smokers and they turned out fine. I wouldn't be worried about your daughter.

    Thanks
    No it really is a problem, I'm not immagining him coming home stinking of weed all the time.
    I think that if you're not even prepared to cut down for someone you love, the stuff must be pretty important to you.


  • Posts: 17,378 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Sorry.. But you didn't answer the question. Is it directly affecting the relationship? Or is it indirectly affecting the relationship because of your views on it?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 67 ✭✭weemammy


    Sorry.. But you didn't answer the question. Is it directly affecting the relationship? Or is it indirectly affecting the relationship because of your views on it?

    Sorry, I get you now :D
    Yeah, you've got a point, I can definately say that I've started to resent him a bit because he won't give it up. In that way, it effects the relationship indirectly.

    It effects the relationship directly because he's out there doing what I hate, instead of spening some time with me.
    As for the whole country, finances are tight enough as it is, so it also angers me that he's prepared to spend OUR hardearned cash on that rubbish.

    So I think I can say it effects the relationship both direct and indirect.


  • Posts: 17,378 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Ok, well the only direct reason is the money... Everything else is indirect.

    This is going to be very difficult for you to make him smoke less if you can't take a logical view of the situation. The harder you push, the harder he will push back since you aren't giving him any actual reason that what he's doing is wrong..

    In his mind, he earns his money and has a habit he enjoys. It doesn't affect his ability to be a father or partner so why should he stop?
    In your mind, you have an illogical dislike of a harmless drug that is doing much more damage to the relationship than the drug itself.

    Either accept him for who is or end the relationship. You're not "helping" anybody who works 6 days a week by asking them to stop smoking cannabis.. You're just changing them into what you like and that's not really right.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭cock robin


    Leave the dude alone weemammy, a smoke never hurt anyone. Its a peacefull pastime and even husbands and fathers are entitled to some time to themselves without being told what to do. You say he works six days a week so he obviously earns his money is he not entitled to use some on himself.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 67 ✭✭weemammy


    I appreciate what you're saying, and it does make sense.
    The only thing I can't agree with is that the only direct effect is the money.
    Surely when someone chooses to spend those 50 quid on a bag of weed and sped those few hours smoking it, instead of spending that money on a film and few drinks with me, it makes me feel like he prefers the dope over me.
    You have to also know that because we both work a lot, we don't have a lot of time together, so the little spare time he has, he rather spends in a car smoking dope.
    I find that a big turnoff.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 67 ✭✭weemammy


    cock robin wrote: »
    Leave the dude alone weemammy, a smoke never hurt anyone. Its a peacefull pastime and even husbands and fathers are entitled to some time to themselves without being told what to do. You say he works six days a week so he obviously earns his money is he not entitled to use some on himself.

    I'm gonna make a promise here now.
    I will, as of from today, stop moaning at him about weed, I will not even mention it.
    When I'm pissed off about it, I'll just return to this thread, and moan at yous instead :D
    And hopefully, he won't feel hassled by me and things get a bit better.
    I know at least the arguments will stop that way.
    But if I find that this liberty makes him smoke even more...well I don't know what I'll do then, we'll see that when it gets to it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,726 ✭✭✭gerryk


    If this is the issue rather than the dope itself, would you consider loosening up the resitiction on having a smoke at home? If he was able to unwind with a spliff at home and curl up on the sofa beside you, this might go some way towards helping the situation.
    How old is your daughter? I understand the necessity of not 'normalising' smoking dope around her if only to avoid the potential awkward questions if she were to mention anything about 'funny cigarettes' at school or the like.
    Finally... I agree with a poster above that nicotine may also be an issue here. The fact that he wants to smoke every day points to this.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 67 ✭✭weemammy


    gerryk wrote: »
    If this is the issue rather than the dope itself, would you consider loosening up the resitiction on having a smoke at home? If he was able to unwind with a spliff at home and curl up on the sofa beside you, this might go some way towards helping the situation.
    How old is your daughter? I understand the necessity of not 'normalising' smoking dope around her if only to avoid the potential awkward questions if she were to mention anything about 'funny cigarettes' at school or the like.
    Finally... I agree with a poster above that nicotine may also be an issue here. The fact that he wants to smoke every day points to this.

    Our doughter is only a year and half, so she doesn't know yet, but I'm just thinking about how he's going to explain it when she's older.
    At the weekend he smokes out the back, that's what we agreed on, I have no problem with that, but instead of just sticking with that, he does it on workdays as well, only not at home, that's what I have a problem with.
    He has given up for a while and ended up chainsmoking sigarettes, and as soon as he went back on the dope, he hardly smokes the fags anymore.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I smoked dope every day for about 14 years. I'd have probably two/three joints a day after work, and all day at the weekends. Basically, if I wasn't in work, I'd be stoned. When I was coming to the end of my stuff, I'd start getting really panicky, constantly ringing suppliers to try to re-up. it worried the crap out of me, but I couldn't stop, or at least didn't think I could.
    I don't know what prompted me to stop to be honest, I used to smoke with three lads and they both had kids so decided to knock it on the head and so I didn't want to be the last one smoking.
    When I stopped, it was a LOT easier than I thought. The first day or so were quite tough, I was more bored than anything else, but once the first day was done, it was fairly easy.
    The conclusion I came to was that it was a vicious circle -the more I smoked, the more I wanted to smoke. I could go all day without wanting a joint, but as soon as I took the first drag of the first one, I was already thinking of rolling the next one. Once the cycle was broken, it wasn't too bad. I haven't had a joint in 18 months, and I can honestly say I haven't even thought of having a joint in about 12 months. The first six months I'd get the odd urge, but nothing major.
    I know this isn't really practical advice to the OP, it's more aimed at other smokers who want to stop. For the OP I'll just say, it's going to be difficult to force your OH to stop, he really will want to stop for himself. Sorry I can't give you any more practical advice than that, but my missus was really good about supporting me when I wanted to stop, and not nagging me to stop before that - dope makes you paranoid (I can only see that now I've stopped, I couldn't see it when I was smoking) and any attempts to take it away only pushes you further into it.

    Just want to finish with another point - I'm totally pro-cannabis. Don't have a problem with others doing it, don't want to stop anyone else doing it, love the buzz of it, wish I could just have the odd joint every now and again, but I can't, if I have any I have to smoke it all, all the time, so for me the only thing I can do is not buy any. It became a problem for me because I didn't want to be without it, thought I was dependent on it, but I wasn't. It was just the dope in me, telling me that I needed it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 68,190 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    weemammy wrote: »
    does it while he's driving home from work.
    Aside from everything else, this is highly dangerous (driving while under the influence) and if he's caught he will receive a hefty fine and a driving ban. Even if he continues to smoke dope, it would be worthwhile pointing out to him that you have to be a complete and utter fncking moron to smoke weed (or any drugs) and drive.

    You could make a point of this by refusing to get into the car with him after he's been smoking or confiscating his keys if he's trying to drive somewhere. Since your and your daughter's safety are at risk, I don't think this is unreasonable.
    cock robin wrote: »
    a smoke never hurt anyone.
    Oh really? :) Never caused cancer?

    I agree on principle that if it's not something which is not fundamentally affecting his relationships or his ability to function day-to-day, then he should be left at it. I consider hash to be about as offensive as alcohol.
    weemammy wrote: »
    The only thing I can't agree with is that the only direct effect is the money.
    Surely when someone chooses to spend those 50 quid on a bag of weed and sped those few hours smoking it, instead of spending that money on a film and few drinks with me, it makes me feel like he prefers the dope over me.
    You have to also know that because we both work a lot, we don't have a lot of time together, so the little spare time he has, he rather spends in a car smoking dope.
    I find that a big turnoff.
    Have you told him this?

    Try to think about this in terms of alcohol (and perhaps paint out a similar comparison to him). If his free time consisted of going to a friend's house or the pub and slamming €50 worth of beer instead of staying at home and spending time with his family, then any sane person would say that he has a serious problem.
    So it's no different if any other intoxicant is involved.

    I too would be of the opinion that nicotine is a major part of the problem, if that's what he's rolling the hash with. It's far more addictive than anything else so he may think he needs hash to get his "fix" when in reality he could have a normal cigarette outside the front door to calm his cravings.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 67 ✭✭weemammy


    ex-stoner wrote: »
    When I was coming to the end of my stuff, I'd start getting really panicky, constantly ringing suppliers to try to re-up. it worried the crap out of me, but I couldn't stop, or at least didn't think I could.

    Sounds very familiar!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 67 ✭✭weemammy


    seamus wrote: »
    You could make a point of this by refusing to get into the car with him after he's been smoking or confiscating his keys if he's trying to drive somewhere. Since your and your daughter's safety are at risk, I don't think this is unreasonable.

    Absolutely! I will not get into the car after he's had a smoke, and not in a milion years will he drive our child anywhere with that in his bloodstream.

    I have made the comparison that you made a lot of times, like, what if I went over to my friends house every night to have a few glasses of wine, while you're here holding the ship? He won't exept that that is the same thing really.

    I wouldn't deny anyone a guilty pleasure every now and again, but as soon as someone starts to kick off when you ask them to stay home instead, ther is a problem.

    As for the tobacco thing, it's been proven!
    Since beginning of 2009, in my hometown Amsterdam, all tobacco is banned from the coffeeshops, so you're allowed to buy and use the dope, but you'll have to smoke it pure, no tobacco allowed.
    And lo and behold, the amound of punters has taken a huge dip.
    They then did a pol among the people that visited the coffeeshops and asked them was this A: because it tastes bad
    B: because they miss the nicotine
    or C: because they can't smoke as many joints as when there was still tobacco inside.
    And a staggering 73% said that they simply missed the tobacco as they didn't usually smoke sigarettes and enjoyed having the nicotine while smoking a spliff.
    Many people have then given up on the weed and went on to have sigarettes instead.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭cock robin


    Oh really? smile.gif Never caused cancer?


    Your right smoking cannabis (which was being discussed) does not cause cancer. Smoking fags is a different issue and as we all know does cause cancer in about 30% of smokers predisposed to cancer anyway


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 67 ✭✭weemammy


    I would also like to add that I noticed a big difference in softdrug abuse here in Ireland compared to Holland.
    Back home, people don't tend to panic when there's no more stuff around, because it's legal, they know that they can just pop to the shop whenever they want to get some.
    There's no need to already start texting dodgy dealers to secretly meet and score some overpriced and heavily chemically enhanced dope.

    It's almost as if they think that while they have it, they must use it and before it runs out, they have to ensure there's more.

    Back home, me and my friends would roll one spliff and pass it round and maybe at some stage someone would produce a second one.
    Here I see my OH and his mates roll one EACH and smoke like there's no tomorrow and straight on to the next.

    I don't mean to generalise, and Im aware that not all Irish smokers work that way, but I noticed this when I first moved over.
    It's a bit like the early closingtimes of the pubs. People drink as fast and as much as they can before the doors shut.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭cock robin


    weemammy wrote: »
    I wouldn't deny anyone a guilty pleasure every now and again, but as soon as someone starts to kick off when you ask them to stay home instead, ther is a problem.

    .

    Then maybe weemammy and I dont want to appear to be rude, the problem is with you or the relationship. If you have made it impossible for him to have a smoke in the comfort of his own home you have managed to drive him away. A joint is a social thing best enjoyed in company and your nagging has made it impossible for him to enjoy your company while smoking. Smoking in public places has been banned in ireland for years and there has been no decline in either smokers of cannabis or cigarettes. The smokers who use coffe shops in Amsterdam may have just migrated to smoking at home.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,914 ✭✭✭✭tbh


    cock robin wrote: »
    Then maybe weemammy and I dont want to appear to be rude, the problem is with you or the relationship. If you have made it impossible for him to have a smoke in the comfort of his own home you have managed to drive him away. A joint is a social thing best enjoyed in company and your nagging has made it impossible for him to enjoy your company while smoking. Smoking in public places has been banned in ireland for years and there has been no decline in either smokers of cannabis or cigarettes. .

    that's not true mate. The numbers of people smoking is falling every year.
    http://www.otc.ie/research.asp

    you also said that smoking cannabis doesn't cause cancer - in fact, there as many studies that show it may cause cancer as those that indicate it doesn't seem to.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 67 ✭✭weemammy


    tbh wrote: »
    that's not true mate. The numbers of people smoking is falling every year.
    http://www.otc.ie/research.asp

    you also said that smoking cannabis doesn't cause cancer - in fact, there as many studies that show it may cause cancer as those that indicate it doesn't seem to.

    I was just looking up an article about that, but u beat me to it ;)
    That's the excuse I keep hearing from people that smoke canabis on a regular base, that it doesn't cause cancer and that it's known to clean your lungs, and it's just not true.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭cock robin


    tbh wrote: »
    that's not true mate. The numbers of people smoking is falling every year.
    http://www.otc.ie/research.asp

    you also said that smoking cannabis doesn't cause cancer - in fact, there as many studies that show it may cause cancer as those that indicate it doesn't seem to.

    An argument can be made that just about everything causes cancer. There has never been a reported incident according to the WHO of cancer caused directly from smoking cannabis only. The research to which you refer regarding falling levels of smokers is derived from retail sales of cigarettes and does not include duty free or indeed black market sales of cigarettes which have risen dramatically so does not give an acurate picture of actual levels of smokers, which as I already mentioned has not diminished at all.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 68,190 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    OK, this is not a debate on cancer or numbers of smokers. Please address the OP's issue in posts.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 67 ✭✭weemammy


    cock robin wrote: »
    An argument can be made that just about everything causes cancer. There has never been a reported incident according to the WHO of cancer caused directly from smoking cannabis only. The research to which you refer regarding falling levels of smokers is derived from retail sales of cigarettes and does not include duty free or indeed black market sales of cigarettes which have risen dramatically so does not give an acurate picture of actual levels of smokers, which as I already mentioned has not diminished at all.

    I'm sorry but that's really not true, since the smokingban, a lot of people that used to have a few fags with a drink in the pub, have quit all together, that's a known fact.
    And whether canabis causes cancer or not, (wich it does) is slightly off-topic.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭cock robin


    weemammy wrote: »
    I was just looking up an article about that, but u beat me to it ;)
    That's the excuse I keep hearing from people that smoke canabis on a regular base, that it doesn't cause cancer and that it's known to clean your lungs, and it's just not true.

    I have never heard anyone claim that smoking any substance can clean lungs and if I did ever hear it I would assume that the people quoting such nonsense are daft. Research can indicate anything you like, drinking water from PET plastic bottles can cause cancer, eating red meat causes cancer, food colouring E123 causes cancer, sunlight causes cancer I could go on forever. If you ask me cancer research causes cancer. The original debate had nothing whatsoever to do with the health issue of smoking but rather how your OH smoking cannabis was affecting your relationship and you nagging him was driving him away :confused:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭cock robin


    weemammy wrote: »
    I'm sorry but that's really not true, since the smokingban, a lot of people that used to have a few fags with a drink in the pub, have quit all together, that's a known fact.
    And whether canabis causes cancer or not, (wich it does) is slightly off-topic.

    Just becuase you say smoking cannabis causes cancer does not mean it does, there is no proof that it does. Check out the World Health Organisation web site. People that used to smoke in pubs also drank and off sales of alcohol have never been higher.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 67 ✭✭weemammy


    Ok, can we now go back to the orriginal topic?


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭cock robin


    weemammy wrote: »
    Ok, can we now go back to the orriginal topic?

    Jaysus weemammy I feel like smoking cannabis myself now. I'm beginning to understand how your OH feels.:D


Advertisement