Cannabis: How to help someone who won't give up?

weemammy

I need some advise here.
My partner of years smokes dope on a daily base and often lies about it.
He sneaks around, meeting people to buy it off.
Don't get me wrong, he's not your avarage layabout dopehead, he still works 6 days a week and is a good dad.
He knows he can't bring it to our home, so he goes out to his mates or does it while he's driving home from work.
He knows what I think of this, I've made that clear and we've had many rows about it.
Him not giving up, regardless of all the resulting arguments, shows me that he's pretty hooked on it.

I myself are orriginally from The Netherlands of all places, but have never come across someone who is so desperate for it.

I've even tried to compromise by asking him to at least do it only at weekends, which he's agreed to, but he can't even keep that up one day!
I'm driven mad with this and really want him to stop it now, I don't want our daughter to grow up thinking it's normal and acceptable.

I've done it myself, I'm not a saint either, but I think there's a big difference between having a few drags at a festival or party every once in a blue moon, than every single day.

I've talked to him, talked to his family, I even contemplated ringing the Gards on him to give him a fright, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

What should I do? Is it ever going to change, or will I have to call quits on our relationship, as I don't want to just accept this?

Thanks

Jimmy the Wheel

Trying to get him to stop smoking it with nicotine, assuming he does that, might go some way to cutting down on the amount of cannabis he uses.

jester77

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped!

You could report his dealers and make it more difficult for him to get.

dr.bollocko

Moved from after hours.

Does it affect your relationship? I don't even smoke anymore but is it an actual issue or is it just in your head that it's an issue?

I've met plenty of people who've grown up with their parents being regular smokers and they turned out fine. I wouldn't be worried about your daughter.

Jimmy the Wheel

jester77 wrote: »

You could report his dealers and make it more difficult for him to get.

That might cause more conflict than any going anyway towards resolving what the OP feels is a problem.

I wouldn't advise going down that route.

weemammy

Deleted User wrote: »

Does it affect your relationship? I don't even smoke anymore but is it an actual issue or is it just in your head that it's an issue?

I've met plenty of people who've grown up with their parents being regular smokers and they turned out fine. I wouldn't be worried about your daughter.

Thanks
No it really is a problem, I'm not immagining him coming home stinking of weed all the time.
I think that if you're not even prepared to cut down for someone you love, the stuff must be pretty important to you.

Sorry.. But you didn't answer the question. Is it directly affecting the relationship? Or is it indirectly affecting the relationship because of your views on it?

weemammy

Deleted User wrote: »

Sorry.. But you didn't answer the question. Is it directly affecting the relationship? Or is it indirectly affecting the relationship because of your views on it?

Sorry, I get you now
Yeah, you've got a point, I can definately say that I've started to resent him a bit because he won't give it up. In that way, it effects the relationship indirectly.

It effects the relationship directly because he's out there doing what I hate, instead of spening some time with me.
As for the whole country, finances are tight enough as it is, so it also angers me that he's prepared to spend OUR hardearned cash on that rubbish.

So I think I can say it effects the relationship both direct and indirect.

Ok, well the only direct reason is the money... Everything else is indirect.

This is going to be very difficult for you to make him smoke less if you can't take a logical view of the situation. The harder you push, the harder he will push back since you aren't giving him any actual reason that what he's doing is wrong..

In his mind, he earns his money and has a habit he enjoys. It doesn't affect his ability to be a father or partner so why should he stop?
In your mind, you have an illogical dislike of a harmless drug that is doing much more damage to the relationship than the drug itself.

Either accept him for who is or end the relationship. You're not "helping" anybody who works 6 days a week by asking them to stop smoking cannabis.. You're just changing them into what you like and that's not really right.

cock robin

Leave the dude alone weemammy, a smoke never hurt anyone. Its a peacefull pastime and even husbands and fathers are entitled to some time to themselves without being told what to do. You say he works six days a week so he obviously earns his money is he not entitled to use some on himself.

weemammy

I appreciate what you're saying, and it does make sense.
The only thing I can't agree with is that the only direct effect is the money.
Surely when someone chooses to spend those 50 quid on a bag of weed and sped those few hours smoking it, instead of spending that money on a film and few drinks with me, it makes me feel like he prefers the dope over me.
You have to also know that because we both work a lot, we don't have a lot of time together, so the little spare time he has, he rather spends in a car smoking dope.
I find that a big turnoff.

weemammy

cock robin wrote: »

Leave the dude alone weemammy, a smoke never hurt anyone. Its a peacefull pastime and even husbands and fathers are entitled to some time to themselves without being told what to do. You say he works six days a week so he obviously earns his money is he not entitled to use some on himself.

I'm gonna make a promise here now.
I will, as of from today, stop moaning at him about weed, I will not even mention it.
When I'm pissed off about it, I'll just return to this thread, and moan at yous instead
And hopefully, he won't feel hassled by me and things get a bit better.
I know at least the arguments will stop that way.
But if I find that this liberty makes him smoke even more...well I don't know what I'll do then, we'll see that when it gets to it.

gerryk

If this is the issue rather than the dope itself, would you consider loosening up the resitiction on having a smoke at home? If he was able to unwind with a spliff at home and curl up on the sofa beside you, this might go some way towards helping the situation.
How old is your daughter? I understand the necessity of not 'normalising' smoking dope around her if only to avoid the potential awkward questions if she were to mention anything about 'funny cigarettes' at school or the like.
Finally... I agree with a poster above that nicotine may also be an issue here. The fact that he wants to smoke every day points to this.

weemammy

gerryk wrote: »

If this is the issue rather than the dope itself, would you consider loosening up the resitiction on having a smoke at home? If he was able to unwind with a spliff at home and curl up on the sofa beside you, this might go some way towards helping the situation.
How old is your daughter? I understand the necessity of not 'normalising' smoking dope around her if only to avoid the potential awkward questions if she were to mention anything about 'funny cigarettes' at school or the like.
Finally... I agree with a poster above that nicotine may also be an issue here. The fact that he wants to smoke every day points to this.

Our doughter is only a year and half, so she doesn't know yet, but I'm just thinking about how he's going to explain it when she's older.
At the weekend he smokes out the back, that's what we agreed on, I have no problem with that, but instead of just sticking with that, he does it on workdays as well, only not at home, that's what I have a problem with.
He has given up for a while and ended up chainsmoking sigarettes, and as soon as he went back on the dope, he hardly smokes the fags anymore.

LegacyUser

I smoked dope every day for about 14 years. I'd have probably two/three joints a day after work, and all day at the weekends. Basically, if I wasn't in work, I'd be stoned. When I was coming to the end of my stuff, I'd start getting really panicky, constantly ringing suppliers to try to re-up. it worried the crap out of me, but I couldn't stop, or at least didn't think I could.
I don't know what prompted me to stop to be honest, I used to smoke with three lads and they both had kids so decided to knock it on the head and so I didn't want to be the last one smoking.
When I stopped, it was a LOT easier than I thought. The first day or so were quite tough, I was more bored than anything else, but once the first day was done, it was fairly easy.
The conclusion I came to was that it was a vicious circle -the more I smoked, the more I wanted to smoke. I could go all day without wanting a joint, but as soon as I took the first drag of the first one, I was already thinking of rolling the next one. Once the cycle was broken, it wasn't too bad. I haven't had a joint in 18 months, and I can honestly say I haven't even thought of having a joint in about 12 months. The first six months I'd get the odd urge, but nothing major.
I know this isn't really practical advice to the OP, it's more aimed at other smokers who want to stop. For the OP I'll just say, it's going to be difficult to force your OH to stop, he really will want to stop for himself. Sorry I can't give you any more practical advice than that, but my missus was really good about supporting me when I wanted to stop, and not nagging me to stop before that - dope makes you paranoid (I can only see that now I've stopped, I couldn't see it when I was smoking) and any attempts to take it away only pushes you further into it.

Just want to finish with another point - I'm totally pro-cannabis. Don't have a problem with others doing it, don't want to stop anyone else doing it, love the buzz of it, wish I could just have the odd joint every now and again, but I can't, if I have any I have to smoke it all, all the time, so for me the only thing I can do is not buy any. It became a problem for me because I didn't want to be without it, thought I was dependent on it, but I wasn't. It was just the dope in me, telling me that I needed it.

seamus

weemammy wrote: »

does it while he's driving home from work.

Aside from everything else, this is highly dangerous (driving while under the influence) and if he's caught he will receive a hefty fine and a driving ban. Even if he continues to smoke dope, it would be worthwhile pointing out to him that you have to be a complete and utter fncking moron to smoke weed (or any drugs) and drive.

You could make a point of this by refusing to get into the car with him after he's been smoking or confiscating his keys if he's trying to drive somewhere. Since your and your daughter's safety are at risk, I don't think this is unreasonable.

cock robin wrote: »

a smoke never hurt anyone.

Oh really? Never caused cancer?

I agree on principle that if it's not something which is not fundamentally affecting his relationships or his ability to function day-to-day, then he should be left at it. I consider hash to be about as offensive as alcohol.

weemammy wrote: »

The only thing I can't agree with is that the only direct effect is the money.
Surely when someone chooses to spend those 50 quid on a bag of weed and sped those few hours smoking it, instead of spending that money on a film and few drinks with me, it makes me feel like he prefers the dope over me.
You have to also know that because we both work a lot, we don't have a lot of time together, so the little spare time he has, he rather spends in a car smoking dope.
I find that a big turnoff.

Have you told him this?

Try to think about this in terms of alcohol (and perhaps paint out a similar comparison to him). If his free time consisted of going to a friend's house or the pub and slamming €50 worth of beer instead of staying at home and spending time with his family, then any sane person would say that he has a serious problem.
So it's no different if any other intoxicant is involved.

I too would be of the opinion that nicotine is a major part of the problem, if that's what he's rolling the hash with. It's far more addictive than anything else so he may think he needs hash to get his "fix" when in reality he could have a normal cigarette outside the front door to calm his cravings.

weemammy

ex-stoner wrote: »

When I was coming to the end of my stuff, I'd start getting really panicky, constantly ringing suppliers to try to re-up. it worried the crap out of me, but I couldn't stop, or at least didn't think I could.

Sounds very familiar!

weemammy

seamus wrote: »

You could make a point of this by refusing to get into the car with him after he's been smoking or confiscating his keys if he's trying to drive somewhere. Since your and your daughter's safety are at risk, I don't think this is unreasonable.

Absolutely! I will not get into the car after he's had a smoke, and not in a milion years will he drive our child anywhere with that in his bloodstream.

I have made the comparison that you made a lot of times, like, what if I went over to my friends house every night to have a few glasses of wine, while you're here holding the ship? He won't exept that that is the same thing really.

I wouldn't deny anyone a guilty pleasure every now and again, but as soon as someone starts to kick off when you ask them to stay home instead, ther is a problem.

As for the tobacco thing, it's been proven!
Since beginning of 2009, in my hometown Amsterdam, all tobacco is banned from the coffeeshops, so you're allowed to buy and use the dope, but you'll have to smoke it pure, no tobacco allowed.
And lo and behold, the amound of punters has taken a huge dip.
They then did a pol among the people that visited the coffeeshops and asked them was this A: because it tastes bad
B: because they miss the nicotine
or C: because they can't smoke as many joints as when there was still tobacco inside.
And a staggering 73% said that they simply missed the tobacco as they didn't usually smoke sigarettes and enjoyed having the nicotine while smoking a spliff.
Many people have then given up on the weed and went on to have sigarettes instead.

cock robin

Oh really? Never caused cancer?


Your right smoking cannabis (which was being discussed) does not cause cancer. Smoking fags is a different issue and as we all know does cause cancer in about 30% of smokers predisposed to cancer anyway

weemammy

I would also like to add that I noticed a big difference in softdrug abuse here in Ireland compared to Holland.
Back home, people don't tend to panic when there's no more stuff around, because it's legal, they know that they can just pop to the shop whenever they want to get some.
There's no need to already start texting dodgy dealers to secretly meet and score some overpriced and heavily chemically enhanced dope.

It's almost as if they think that while they have it, they must use it and before it runs out, they have to ensure there's more.

Back home, me and my friends would roll one spliff and pass it round and maybe at some stage someone would produce a second one.
Here I see my OH and his mates roll one EACH and smoke like there's no tomorrow and straight on to the next.

I don't mean to generalise, and Im aware that not all Irish smokers work that way, but I noticed this when I first moved over.
It's a bit like the early closingtimes of the pubs. People drink as fast and as much as they can before the doors shut.

cock robin

weemammy wrote: »

I wouldn't deny anyone a guilty pleasure every now and again, but as soon as someone starts to kick off when you ask them to stay home instead, ther is a problem.

.

Then maybe weemammy and I dont want to appear to be rude, the problem is with you or the relationship. If you have made it impossible for him to have a smoke in the comfort of his own home you have managed to drive him away. A joint is a social thing best enjoyed in company and your nagging has made it impossible for him to enjoy your company while smoking. Smoking in public places has been banned in ireland for years and there has been no decline in either smokers of cannabis or cigarettes. The smokers who use coffe shops in Amsterdam may have just migrated to smoking at home.

tbh

cock robin wrote: »

Then maybe weemammy and I dont want to appear to be rude, the problem is with you or the relationship. If you have made it impossible for him to have a smoke in the comfort of his own home you have managed to drive him away. A joint is a social thing best enjoyed in company and your nagging has made it impossible for him to enjoy your company while smoking. Smoking in public places has been banned in ireland for years and there has been no decline in either smokers of cannabis or cigarettes. .

that's not true mate. The numbers of people smoking is falling every year.
http://www.otc.ie/research.asp

you also said that smoking cannabis doesn't cause cancer - in fact, there as many studies that show it may cause cancer as those that indicate it doesn't seem to.

weemammy

tbh wrote: »

that's not true mate. The numbers of people smoking is falling every year.
http://www.otc.ie/research.asp

you also said that smoking cannabis doesn't cause cancer - in fact, there as many studies that show it may cause cancer as those that indicate it doesn't seem to.

I was just looking up an article about that, but u beat me to it
That's the excuse I keep hearing from people that smoke canabis on a regular base, that it doesn't cause cancer and that it's known to clean your lungs, and it's just not true.

cock robin

tbh wrote: »

that's not true mate. The numbers of people smoking is falling every year.
http://www.otc.ie/research.asp

you also said that smoking cannabis doesn't cause cancer - in fact, there as many studies that show it may cause cancer as those that indicate it doesn't seem to.

An argument can be made that just about everything causes cancer. There has never been a reported incident according to the WHO of cancer caused directly from smoking cannabis only. The research to which you refer regarding falling levels of smokers is derived from retail sales of cigarettes and does not include duty free or indeed black market sales of cigarettes which have risen dramatically so does not give an acurate picture of actual levels of smokers, which as I already mentioned has not diminished at all.

seamus

OK, this is not a debate on cancer or numbers of smokers. Please address the OP's issue in posts.

weemammy

cock robin wrote: »

An argument can be made that just about everything causes cancer. There has never been a reported incident according to the WHO of cancer caused directly from smoking cannabis only. The research to which you refer regarding falling levels of smokers is derived from retail sales of cigarettes and does not include duty free or indeed black market sales of cigarettes which have risen dramatically so does not give an acurate picture of actual levels of smokers, which as I already mentioned has not diminished at all.

I'm sorry but that's really not true, since the smokingban, a lot of people that used to have a few fags with a drink in the pub, have quit all together, that's a known fact.
And whether canabis causes cancer or not, (wich it does) is slightly off-topic.

cock robin

weemammy wrote: »

I was just looking up an article about that, but u beat me to it
That's the excuse I keep hearing from people that smoke canabis on a regular base, that it doesn't cause cancer and that it's known to clean your lungs, and it's just not true.

I have never heard anyone claim that smoking any substance can clean lungs and if I did ever hear it I would assume that the people quoting such nonsense are daft. Research can indicate anything you like, drinking water from PET plastic bottles can cause cancer, eating red meat causes cancer, food colouring E123 causes cancer, sunlight causes cancer I could go on forever. If you ask me cancer research causes cancer. The original debate had nothing whatsoever to do with the health issue of smoking but rather how your OH smoking cannabis was affecting your relationship and you nagging him was driving him away

cock robin

weemammy wrote: »

I'm sorry but that's really not true, since the smokingban, a lot of people that used to have a few fags with a drink in the pub, have quit all together, that's a known fact.
And whether canabis causes cancer or not, (wich it does) is slightly off-topic.

Just becuase you say smoking cannabis causes cancer does not mean it does, there is no proof that it does. Check out the World Health Organisation web site. People that used to smoke in pubs also drank and off sales of alcohol have never been higher.

weemammy

Ok, can we now go back to the orriginal topic?

cock robin

weemammy wrote: »

Ok, can we now go back to the orriginal topic?

Jaysus weemammy I feel like smoking cannabis myself now. I'm beginning to understand how your OH feels.:D

weemammy

cock robin wrote: »

Jaysus weemammy I feel like smoking cannabis myself now. I'm beginning to understand how your OH feels.:D

LOL

jelly&icecream

The smoking it while driving thing is pretty worrying.

Can you broach it with him in anyway? Maybe try and outline possible consequences of driving under the influence? He could loose his licence and the possible effects this could have on his job and general freedom. He could cause an accident and injure/kill someone else and be guilt ridden for the rest of his life. He could kill/injure himself and leave you and your child alone or him needing round the clock care for the rest of his life.

Does he really appreciate the dangers of this? Maybe if this got through to him he might start to re-evaluate the entire situation.

weemammy

jelly&icecream wrote: »

The smoking it while driving thing is pretty worrying.

My thoughts Exactly.

I have tried to talk to him about that many times, and usually that result in a big argument.
I think the reason he gets mad when I say these things, is because he knows I'm right, and that he's being stupid.

I could stop mentioning it all together and let him smoke where he wants, when he wants, but I'm afraid it will get way out of hand then.

And yeah, you're right, I have no sympathy for anyone crashing their car under the influence, it's the lives you could wreck by taking that chance.

Usually the responce is 'I'm not off my face, am I?'

tbh

cock robin wrote: »

The research to which you refer regarding falling levels of smokers is derived from retail sales of cigarettes and does not include duty free or indeed black market sales of cigarettes which have risen dramatically so does not give an acurate picture of actual levels of smokers, which as I already mentioned has not diminished at all.

if I could beg the mods indulgence just to correct something: the statistics aren't based on retails sales at all. From that link I posted:

The sample population is now drawn from a combination of both landline and mobile phone numbers. While the questionnaire and quota controls are unchanged, some population subgroups that may previously have been difficult to contact are now better represented in the sample.

Not the biggest deal in the world or anything, but I just thought that should be clarified.

jelly&icecream

Maybe write it out in a letter? Outline your fears for his safety and wellbeing as honestly as possible and leave it for him in his car or somewhere to read in his own time. Maybe if he can read it with out you there and mull it over for a while it would be less likely to lead to a big fight.

Of course it may just lead to the same fight if he's determined to keep at it...

liah

Okay, if it were me and my partner told me I couldn't smoke in my own house, I'd be pretty pissed off too tbh. Not only because I should feel comfortable enough to do whatever I want in my own house, but because my partner is effectively controlling what I put into my body.

Let's get some stuff out of the way (if you want credible sources for anything I say here, PM me and I will get them to you):

1) Marijuana contains anti-carcinogens. Smoking marijuana on its own has never been found to cause cancer, and has even been found in some cases to cancel out the carcinogens in cigs or tobacco if mixed lowering the rate of cancer in mixed smokers; marijuana smokers who mix also have a lower rate of COPD than straight tobacco smokers.

2) Marijuana is not physically addictive (though can be if you have very unusual body chemistry).

3) If your partner is mixing tobacco with weed, it's probably the tobacco that's causing the addiction moreso than the weed itself. If not, he is psychologically addicted either to the ritual, feeling or the culture.

Now that that's out of the way:

He probably feels alienated from you. Smoking pot is such a social thing (not to say it's not lovely sometimes when you're on your own) that has a really great, chilled out, warm, creative and friendly culture that can be pretty hard to let go of, particularly if you're feeling alienated from home.

There's also the ritual-- I don't know about anyone else, but there's something really relaxing and pleasant about the preparation and rolling of the joint. Oddly, I sometimes enjoy this more than smoking itself; often I'll roll a joint just for the sake of it and not even smoke it til a few hours later.

I mean, let's put this into perspective: other than the driving (I'll address that in a sec), is his marijuana habit negatively affecting how he interacts with you or your child?

If not, do you really think you have the right to demand what is going into his body and to dictate to him where and when he can do it?

Can you ask him to agree to not smoking when your child is around, or smoking in a designated room?

As for the driving thing. Sit him down and explain to him that you need to put the safety of the family ahead of his safety in this situation and that he is risking your child growing up without him, potentially you, or not growing up at all. Tell him you can't force him to stop smoking it while driving when he's on his own and you realize that, but that you hope he'll think about your future together as a family before he does the next time.

That said, he may retort with something like 'marijuana makes me drive safer.' This one's pretty common, potheads really do drive like grannies when they're stoned, but it's still no excuse; his reactions are impaired and if something were to run in front of the car, that could be it.

If you simply be rational, understanding and willing to make compromises instead of trying to dictate to him what he can and can't do in his own home with his own body, he may be more receptive.

Oh, and as for the smell, I don't get why that matters around your daughter. She doesn't know what it is and it's not like she'll get high from it.

tbh

There's a child in the house liah.

liah

tbh wrote: »

There's a child in the house liah.

Yes, and? I addressed the child multiple times in my post and asked the OP if, outside of the driving (which again, I addressed), his relationship with her or the child has been negative.

I've known parents who can smoke in a designated room of the house (with a window open, of course, and the door closed to the child) or a back yard and the child never knows the difference except for a funny smell on their clothes that the child can't identify.

weemammy

liah wrote: »

Okay, if it were me and my partner told me I couldn't smoke in my own house, I'd be pretty pissed off too tbh. Not only because I should feel comfortable enough to do whatever I want in my own house, but because my partner is effectively controlling what I put into my body.

It's not only his house, I live there too, so I think I have a right to not breathe in something I choose NOT to put in MY body.

liah wrote: »

He probably feels alienated from you. Smoking pot is such a social thing (not to say it's not lovely sometimes when you're on your own) that has a really great, chilled out, warm, creative and friendly culture that can be pretty hard to let go of, particularly if you're feeling alienated from home.

That may be so, but I enjoy a nice glass of wine, though if did that every night, I wouldn't only be called an alcoholic, but also a lousy parent. It's not fair that I have to hold the ship every night because my OH wishes to be under the influence.

liah wrote: »

Can you ask him to agree to not smoking when your child is around, or smoking in a designated room?

There is no chance he will EVER be allowed to smoke in the house, I don't want the house stinking of weed, and I don't want our doughter to inhale that stuff. When I smoke the odd sigarette,(wich he does too) I stand outside in the garden, so if he wants to smoke dope, he can do it outside there too.

Oryx

Lets get some other stuff out of the way:

The op has a fundamental objection to the habit. It wouldnt matter if the habit happened to be drinking, adventure sports, or devout fasting. The issue here is the op doesnt agree with it. Therefore there is a difference of opinion within the relationship. We can argue the plusses and minuses of cannabis till the cows come home, it wont change the fact of the ops problem with it.

(But, added to that, is the fact that it is an illegal substance. There are consequences that can arise from its use. The op has a right to object to it on those grounds alone.)

The issue we are asked to help with here, is not to solve the riddle of whether its a good or bad thing, but how the op can resolve this crucial problem in her relationship. How does she find middle ground?

tbh

Sorry, you knew, that's cool. For me, smoking in a house with a child would be a major no-no, we'll have to agree to disagree on that one

weemammy

Oryx wrote: »

Lets get some other stuff out of the way:

The op has a fundamental objection to the habit. It wouldnt matter if the habit happened to be drinking, adventure sports, or devout fasting. The issue here is the op doesnt agree with it. Therefore there is a difference of opinion within the relationship. We can argue the plusses and minuses of cannabis till the cows come home, it wont change the fact of the ops problem with it.

(But, added to that, is the fact that it is an illegal substance. There are consequences that can arise from its use. The op has a right to object to it on those grounds alone.)

The issue we are asked to help with here, is not to solve the riddle of whether its a good or bad thing, but how the op can resolve this crucial problem in her relationship. How does she find middle ground?

Exactly! thank you Oryx

liah

Oryx wrote: »

Lets get some other stuff out of the way:

The op has a fundamental objection to the habit. It wouldnt matter if the habit happened to be drinking, adventure sports, or devout fasting. The issue here is the op doesnt agree with it. Therefore there is a difference of opinion within the relationship. We can argue the plusses and minuses of cannabis till the cows come home, it wont change the fact of the ops problem with it.

(But, added to that, is the fact that it is an illegal substance. There are consequences that can arise from its use. The op has a right to object to it on those grounds alone.)

The issue we are asked to help with here, is not to solve the riddle of whether its a good or bad thing, but how the op can resolve this crucial problem in her relationship. How does she find middle ground?

I don't understand why she expects him to make all the sacrifice though. It's a partnership, not a dictatorship.

tbh wrote: »

Sorry, you knew, that's cool. For me, smoking in a house with a child would be a major no-no, we'll have to agree to disagree on that one

My mom smoked cigs in her room with the window open for years when I went to bed at night without me ever knowing (sure I only found out by the time I was 16 and she'd always done it), and she was right across the hall. Certainly never impacted my relationship with her or my health.

I'm not exactly saying he should be smoking in front of the kid here, in fairness.

liah

weemammy wrote: »

It's not only his house, I live there too, so I think I have a right to not breathe in something I choose NOT to put in MY body.

So you're unwilling to compromise. Why do you feel he has to make all the sacrifices?

That may be so, but I enjoy a nice glass of wine, though if did that every night, I wouldn't only be called an alcoholic, but also a lousy parent. It's not fair that I have to hold the ship every night because my OH wishes to be under the influence.

Is he a lousy parent when he's around? Have you asked him why he doesn't want to spend more time at home?

There is no chance he will EVER be allowed to smoke in the house, I don't want the house stinking of weed, and I don't want our doughter to inhale that stuff. When I smoke the odd sigarette,(wich he does too) I stand outside in the garden, so if he wants to smoke dope, he can do it outside there too.

Why not set up some chairs and an overhang to at least make it sociable and more comfortable?

tbh

No but you said the smell would be on the kids clothes. If it's on her clothes she's exposed to the smoke. If she's exposed to it, she's inhaling it, however small the amount. that can be avoided by him just stepping outside. Hardly an unreasonable expectation.

liah

liah wrote: »

So you're unwilling to compromise. Why do you feel he has to make all the sacrifices?

Shes the only one making the sacrifice at the moment by putting up with something she is very unhappy with and he has refused to compromise or tone it down. So now it's his turn
It's illegal anyway, being asked to give it up/weekends only isnt a giant sacrifice

weemammy

liah wrote: »

I don't understand why she expects him to make all the sacrifice though. It's a partnership, not a dictatorship.

This line actually made my blood boil! HE makes all the sacrifices??? He is out smoking with his pals while I'm at home by myself minding a one year old and looking after the place and cooking his dinner!
I left all my friends and family behind to be with him in the first place.
You not think I wouldn't like to go out socialising after a days work? It's ME who makes all the sacrifices, he still hangs on to the life he had before our little one came along.
The only thing I ask is for him to cut down, that's hardly dictatorship.

liah wrote: »

My mom smoked cigs in her room with the window open for years when I went to bed at night without me ever knowing (sure I only found out by the time I was 16 and she'd always done it), and she was right across the hall. Certainly never impacted my relationship with her or my health.

Compairing spliffs to fags is like compairing cider to lemonade

liah

tbh wrote: »

No but you said the smell would be on the kids clothes. If it's on her clothes she's exposed to the smoke. If she's exposed to it, she's inhaling it, however small the amount. that can be avoided by him just stepping outside. Hardly an unreasonable expectation.

Er, when on earth did I say it would be on the kid's clothes? I said, she could smell it on his clothes (as in residually), but it's not like she could identify the smell of what it is, so I'm not sure why the smell is an issue.

bluewolf wrote: »

Shes the only one making the sacrifice at the moment by putting up with something she is very unhappy with and he has refused to compromise or tone it down. So now it's his turn
It's illegal anyway, being asked to give it up/weekends only isnt a giant sacrifice

She's telling him he can't be in his house and she's telling him he can't consume something he enjoys anymore, she's trying to tell him when he can and can't leave the house, when he can and can't smoke, what he can and can't put into his body.

He likes it, she doesn't, he has to change for her but she doesn't have to change for him. Either they BOTH reach a compromise where they BOTH make a sacrifice or two, or they split because it's something they're not going to see eye to eye on.

But trying to dictate the circumstances of a relationship won't end well.

liah

weemammy wrote: »

This line actually made my blood boil! HE makes all the sacrifices??? He is out smoking with his pals while I'm at home by myself minding a one year old and looking after the place and cooking his dinner!
I left all my friends and family behind to be with him in the first place.
You not think I wouldn't like to go out socialising after a days work? It's ME who makes all the sacrifices, he still hangs on to the life he had before our little one came along.
The only thing I ask is for him to cut down, that's hardly dictatorship.

Did you read my first post? Have you asked him WHY he needs to be away all the time, why he feels he doesn't want to spend time at home?

Compairing spliffs to fags is like compairing cider to lemonade

How so? It was done when I was in bed in my room asleep. What difference does it make what kind of smoke it is? The point is, I never even knew about it, for 16 years, never had any health problems, etc. It's possible to hide something like that.

tbh

We're both wrong

You said:

the child never knows the difference except for a funny smell on their clothes that the child can't identify

I thought the "their" meant the child.