Photo on boyfriend's laptop

LegacyUser

I live with my boyfriend and yesterday afternoon I walked into our bedroom and he was on his laptop. He had his ex's facebook page open on his laptop and when I opened the door he turned around his chair, tried to block my view of the laptop and with his back to the laptop was clicking away mad with the mouse trying to close the page. My boyfriend isn't actually "on" facebook. At the time I was a bit distracted so didn't think anything of it.

Then today I needed to get something off his laptop, asked him, he said it was grand so I went into his documents folder on his laptop to get what I was looking for and there was the profile picture from his ex's facebook page saved into this documents folder. I put the pointer over it and it showed up that the date created was yesterday so he obviously only saved this picture onto his laptop yesterday. I use his laptop often and have never seen this picture before, not because I'm nosey but because I have been using his laptop quite a bit over the last few weeks for job applications and my cv so would have spotted this photo saved in his documents folder by now.

My mind has gone into overdrive wondering all sorts about why he would be looking at his ex's facebook profile when he's not even on facebook and why he would then feel the need to save a picture of her onto his laptop.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? Something inside me died when I saw the photo and I now can't get it out of my head.

PK2008

Speak to him about it.

Ickle Magoo

Moved from tLL....

/mod

Hi there,

The only think you can do is speak to him about it and get his side of things...just point it out next time you are on the laptop and ask for an explanation.

All the best.

WhatWillBee

You cant view any facebook profile (friends or not) without logging in, so your boyfriend IS 'on' facebook I'm afraid.

Although if he only has this girls profile pic Id say he just set up a random a/c so he can view other people without being facebook friends with them.

If I was you, Id be pissed, but it depends on the nature of their break up, who broke up with who and why etc etc.

Talk to him.

Sibylla

As the above posters have said, Discuss it with him, Personally I think it's very unfair of him. Once he realises he has upset you he will surely stop. Perhaps you could discuss with him if he has fully moved on, It's possible it's just general curiosity.

spinandscribble

lol Part of me wants to suggest setting it as the desktop just to see his reaction/start the conversation but i'm in a weird mood so feel free to ignore that suggestion.

Lots of people look at exs facebooks but that doesn't mean they save or download pictures of their ex...

talk to him.

LegacyUser

Sorry, when I said he was looking at this person's profile I meant that he had that public info page displayed. You know the way some people have certain information open to public but all you can see is their name and photo and maybe sometimes their friends or a list of their interests and stuff like that. That's what he had up on his laptop.

Their break up (if you can really call it that, they were only seeing each other for a few weeks) was mutual. My boyfriend couldn't handle the distance, she has kids by 3 different fathers (none by my boyfriend btw) and doesn't want anymore but my boyfriend wants kids of his own and she has a very complicated past with her family and her exes.

She is a bit of a touchy subject with him though. I brought her up a few months ago because they were texting a lot and their texts crossed the line for me. He was obviously in the middle of texting back and forth and put his phone down on the coffee table with a message from her open on it so when a new message came through and lit up the screen the open message caught my eye and I asked him about it. The message said "aw thanks hun, you're such a sweetheart, really lucky to have you" (funny how those words are burned into my memory). When I asked him about that he accepted that it was an inappropriate way to be speaking to her and he didn't think anything of it but because I was uncomfortable with it he would stop speaking to her like that. When i brought it up a few days later because it was still on my mind and he asked me what was wrong he got a little bit pissed off with me and said he didn't want to talk about her. So now I am reluctant to bring it up because I don't want to be made to feel guilty just because I'm not comfortable with this.

Spinandscribble, that's not a bad idea!

Zonua

WhatWillBee wrote: »

You cant view any facebook profile (friends or not) without logging in,

This is not true.

mood

It is odd that he is like this about her when they only were seeing each other a few weeks. How long ago was that? And how long are you with him? I assume you are with him a long time considering you are living with him.

You have to talk to him about it.

LegacyUser

Hi mood, yeah it is odd, he seems to hold her in a different place to his ex that he was with for over 4 years. He doesn't give his ex he was with for 4 years a second thought, they weren't very happy together and in the end just fought all the time.

The "relationship" with the facebook girl ended 3 years ago. I have been with him for 2 years.

I haven't spoken to him yet, still trying to work out what I'm going to say so that it doesn't turn into a "I don't want to talk about her, don't bring her up again" conversation.

LegacyUser

I'd say he accidentally saved it while trying to get rid of the page off the screen when you walked in, if he was doing it intentionally he would have saved it elsewhere, somewhere not so obvious.

If he is in regular contact, texting or whatever, I don't think the "I don't want to talk about her, don't bring her up again" response is acceptable at all. Especially considering that she is an ex.

WhatWillBee

Zonua wrote: »

This is not true.

My mistake about the facebook thing, you can see profiles pics when you arent logged in.


Sounds like you are dealing with the 'one that got away'.

He doesn't treat his ex of 4 years the same way because that relationship ran its course, this one didnt. He was only with this girl a short period of time and it ended because of distance. That leaves the possibility of unfinished business and a bunch of 'what ifs' that probably ran through is head ever since they broke up.

Doesn't mean he loves you any less or that he would be better with her, everyone has that person that got away and its natural to be curious about them.

Your situation is a bit dodgy though and given your history (with the inappropriate texting) this picture on this comp looks really bad and you need to talk to him asap.

Ask him the hard questions, he shouldnt be defensive if theres nothing to hide and you are entitled to ask given his behaviour so dont let him get away with "I don't want to talk about her, don't bring her up again". Thats a complete cop out since its his behaviour that brings her up. He should be doing everything to reassure you not turning it around on you. Stand your ground!

LegacyUser

I really think I am Whatwillbee.

You have summed up perfectly exactly what I have thought about her ever since I first heard about his past with her. They didn't get a proper chance and it has probably always been a "what if" situation for him.

The way you worded "its his behaviour that brings her up" has really hit me. That's what I couldn't put into words properly to speak to him.

I haven't spoken to him yet, dreading it.

WhatWillBee

I've been in a somewhat similar situation and by far the biggest mistakes I made at the time was not to ask him out straight the obvious questions. I didn't want to 'rock the boat' and I probably wanted to believe what he said so I didnt push it. I got similar brush offs too, i.e. told I was causing fights etc etc. All a load of rubbish, if its nothing, he will be going out of his way to make sure you know theres nothing going on.

If you were just jealous of a random ex for no reason then I would say he is right in saying don't bring it up, but by the sounds of it, this wouldnt be an issue if he wasnt being inappropriate multiple times in the first place so dont let him fob you off!

If he starts telling you that you are being jealous/psycho/controlling etc etc these would all be major red flags for me because at the very least he should recognise that this is a real issue for you so he should want to address it.

Hes had his fun and his ego boost maybe with this ex, but its now causing trouble for you both so at this point, unless shes a really good friend/friend of family etc he really should be cutting contact. I would in his shoes rather than risk my relationship for a minor ex.

Remember that he hasnt cheated or anything (as far as I know) but he is being massively inconsiderate so let him know that you won't put up with it. He needs to cop on and move on from the ex and stop disrespecting you. Guys sometimes need it laid out for them, so actually tell him what you want him to do to fix it (e.g. cut contact, tell the girl x y z etc whatever you want) It's not gonna take much to fix this on his part so he should have no reason not to want to.

Best of luck with the talk OP, its not going to be fun for either of you but make sure you get all your answers otherwise this will only continue to be an issue for you. I hope it all works out for you both!

LegacyUser

Whatwillbee, that advice is really helpful, thanks.

I wouldn't say I'm a jealous person at all. He has a good few female friends, one of which he has breakfast with in college nearly every morning and he would talk to them all fairly frequently and that is absolutely not even a point of conversation for us.

At this stage I would be more comfortable if he just said to this ex that he would prefer to cut contact just for my sake because it is hard to deal with. He never sees her, she never became a part of his circle of friends or family because they were only seeing each other for such a short period of time.

Thanks again for the advice.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

So I confronted my boyfriend about the photo on his laptop tonight. We had a pretty busy week and I wanted a no distractions moment to speak to him about it.

I actually had to use his laptop again so when I was on his laptop I just turned the screen around to him and said "hey, what's that picture doing on there?" I could actually see his face change from normal to panic right in front of me. "Hmmmm, i don't know". I just said "I've never seen it there before". He said "Well, I don't know how it got there".

I said "That's the same picture from your ex's facebook profile that you were on the other day when I came into the room". He said "I wasn't on any facebook profile". I said "So my eyes are playing tricks on me are they?" He spent a couple of seconds in silence and then turned away from me and then said "Sure let me have a look and see what other stuff is on there?" He tried to take the laptop off me but I wanted to keep it on the bed because I was still working on it and I wanted to see what he wanted to do.

So he went through the documents folder that the picture was in (not his normal pictures folder) as if trying to convince me there might be other stuff in there that had just magically appeared also. He then turned the laptop back to me and continued on with what he was doing before I started the conversation. I said "Erm, you haven't really explained how that photo got on there." He just said "Sure delete it out of there anyway because it shouldn't be in there". I said "No, it shouldn't be in there, it shouldn't be anywhere on your computer". He is denying he saved the photo on his laptop eventhough (if you read the OP) I saw him with my own eyes on the facebook page and then discovered the photo the following day and the information attached to the photo says it was saved the day I saw him on facebook. He is now sitting there as quiet as a church mouse and I feel sick.

I don't really know what to do or say now.

mood

why didn't you bring up the fact that you are not happy with them texting etc and sort it all out for once and for all. I certain wouldn't have slept in the same bed as him after that. I don't know what you should do but don't let it go. He is obviously lying to you so must have something to hide.

ziedth

Ya,

Up till the guy lied I was saying that maybe it was a moment of madness as I'm sure allot of people check their ex's facebook while in a happy relationship (even just the profile photo). Saving the photo in such a situation is yes not what I would consider the norm and you were right to confront him over it.

Now, him treating you like an idiot is another matter. I guess calmly explain that you know he has lied and you would like the real story. It must be kinda bad for him to have such a stupid excuse so prepare yourself for that.

Good luck.

mood

Unfortunately he'll have thought of some other crap to spin now he knows she is on to him.

But files (photos or otherwise) don't just magically save into the documents folder!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

We spoke about it again last night and not only was he adamant that he didn't save the picture on his laptop (which I don't believe) but he also insisted that the picture wasn't of his ex. I said I knew it was her because I saw him on her facebook page a couple of days ago (when he saved the picture) and I recognised her. He then admitted that it was his ex but he still had no idea how the picture got on his laptop.

I'm not stupid, I know the picture didn't just magically save itself. And also, given that I use his laptop so often I would've seen a picture like that before if it was an old picture. If it was an old picture I'd have no problem with it, it's completely reasonable to have old pictures on your laptop or among your belongings but that's not what this is. I feel like I've been treated like an absolute fool. Does he not realise how easy it would be for me to just go on facebook and look up his ex and see that the profile picture she uses is exactly the same as the picture saved on his laptop?? But I couldn't be bothered doing that because I already know this!

I said to him that this isn't the first time, or even the second time that his ex has been a problem between us and I was no longer happy about her being a part, however small, of his life. I asked him why she was so important when he very rarely speaks to her and he never sees her nor is she involved in his life in any way. He couldn't give me an answer. He literally just sat there shrugged his shoulders and continued watching the tv.

I just want to know the truth about this ex. Why is she such a secret? He has told me anything I wanted to know about his other exes, you know, why did you break up, did you ever live with any of them, the usual stuff you ask in a new relationship but if I so much as mention this woman's name he flips out and shuts down. I do accept what Whatwillbee said about the ex being his one that got away, that makes sense.

If I was a crazy girlfriend I probably would've already contacted the ex myself but I'm not, I'm reasonable and rational and I've given him ample opportunity to explain the situation himself. If I was a crazy girlfriend I probably would've went snooping through his e-mail or his phone after finding that picture but I'm not and I didn't and I wouldn't but right now I'm really starting to understand why there are so many men and women out there who do snoop.

Fittle

Firstly, the facebook thing.

Your boyfriend has signed up for facebook, because you cannot view anything on it unless you give your email and password. You have to register for it, even to view someone elses page - otherwise, when you are not logged in yourself, you just get that page that asks you to log-in. Im not saying that he actively uses it and I get that he's not this particular girls 'friend' on fb (as he was only viewing her photo), but he has had to sign-up for fb to even get that far.

Secondly, he's lying.

If he was just having a nosey at the ex, that's fair enough, we all do that.

But he coudln't possibly have 'saved' her photo accidently! I've just tried to save a fb photo there - onto my desktop - you have to press a few correct buttons to save it. You can't just mess around and hey presto, it's saved.

I don't know what to say to you OP, I doubt you will get the truth out of him. I can think of one reason he wants his ex gf's photo on his laptop I'm afraid...and the fact that he's already lied to you about it being there does not bode well.

How is your relationship otherwise?

mood

Fittle wrote: »

Firstly, the facebook thing.

Your boyfriend has signed up for facebook, because you cannot view anything on it unless you give your email and password. You have to register for it, even to view someone elses page - otherwise, when you are not logged in yourself, you just get that page that asks you to log-in. Im not saying that he actively uses it and I get that he's not this particular girls 'friend' on fb (as he was only viewing her photo), but he has had to sign-up for fb to even get that far.

Not true. I've even just checked to be sure I'm 100% correct. Open a new browser window, type in some random name and facebook, and depending on their settings you may or may not see a photo and some general info, friends list etc. I personally don't have my photo or any info visible but to do that I have to customise my settings. Some people have a surprising amount of info public (ie you don't need to be 'friends'). Just type in a few random, common names and you will see for your self.

OakeyDokey

Have a talk with him and make it clear. It sounds like he might have some feelings still left for her but you never know it could just have been curiosity! As you said he might have just saved the picture by accident trying to get off her page.

The worst thing you can do is worry yourself when it mightn't be anything.

Fittle

mood wrote: »

Not true. I've even just checked to be sure I'm 100% correct. Open a new browser window, type in some random name and facebook, and depending on their settings you may or may not see a photo and some general info, friends list etc. I personally don't have my photo or any info visible but to do that I have to customise my settings. Some people have a surprising amount of info public (ie you don't need to be 'friends'). Just type in a few random, common names and you will see for your self.

Whoops - I stand corrected sorry!

I seldom would go to FB through google...now I see how you can just get to someones page depending on their setting. Ignore my previous section about fb so OP, sorry.

I still believe he's lying though and that it didn't just appear in his folder as 'saved'.

mood

Fittle wrote: »

Whoops - I stand corrected sorry!

I seldom would go to FB through google...now I see how you can just get to someones page depending on their setting. Ignore my previous section about fb so OP, sorry.

I still believe he's lying though and that it didn't just appear in his folder as 'saved'.

He would need to right click the photo, a save box thing opens and he would have to choose where to save it on the computer and would have an option of changing the file name.

kjl

OK few things,

You could accidental drag the image to my documents, give it a go there people, just click on a picture you want to save and drag it to where ever you want to save it too. So it could have happened by accident.

Secondly, you can see profile pictures without being logged in. Again easy to test, log off and go to an open profile and you can see everything.

I am a guy, and I am very happy with my Gf, but sometimes I check out ex's on FB, it doesn't mean I am going to dump my current Gf to be with the ex's. It's more like checking up on them, seeing what they look like. Pure curiosity. You need to take off the detective hat and just accept that your boyfriend is curious about his ex's, it's not a crime, nor is it cheating.

No offence there OP, but if you are going to be this insecure about such a small thing maybe you should reconsider if YOU are ready to be in a relationship.

ziedth

That's a good point but dragging the photo directly into my documents is a bit of a stretch. Had it just been there on the desktop I'd almost agree with you plus the BF denied looking at the page at all.

spinandscribble

kjl wrote: »

No offence there OP, but if you are going to be this insecure about such a small thing maybe you should reconsider if YOU are ready to be in a relationship.

He pretended it wasn't even his ex's picture.... He's lying left right and centre. Innocent people don't do that.

LegacyUser

Our relationship otherwise is amazing. I know that probably sounds silly given what this thread is about but it honestly is. Nothing is lacking if you know what I mean. We're both very affectionate with each other. And eventhough we live together we don't spend every waking moment together. At least 2 nights a week, sometimes more, my boyfriend heads off with his friends to do whatever they want, normally an xbox night. We have a lot of similar interests but we also have separate interests as well so we both agree there is a good balance there. We have spoken about maybe getting engaged one day and we jokingly talk about having twins (twins run in my family), my boyfriend would be the one who brings up these topics more often than not because I'm still getting used to the fact that I want these things. Until I met him settling down was not something that interested me and I had never even thought about it with any of my exes.

There is no "power struggle" in the relationship, by this I mean, neither one of our personalities outshines the other. We talk about things rather than fight, we've never shouted at each other or anything like that.

This ex of his is literally the only thing that is an issue for us.

kjl

He is lying because he was confronted about it and he is afraid to tell the truth. I reckon if most guys were honest they would also admit to looking at ex's on fb

Secondly if it was windows XP, my documents is an icon on the desktop, or he might have had my documents open and maximised.

You know half the time when I read the advice that is posted here it sounds like it's from amateur detectives stirring sh*t. Lets face it here, they guy has done nothing wrong. If a girl came on here and said that she was caught looking at her ex on fb, every single girl on here would be telling her it isn't a big deal and that she didn't do anything wrong.

spinandscribble

He's done wrong by lying.

If i was "caught" doing something similar I just admit it. I think more people would than you give credit for. If my bf found a ex's pic on my lappy i'd expect he'd be able to ask me about it.

Anyway op, I need to ask, would you have been ok if he had just accidently downloaded it? I know it might be hard to believe but maybe he did it by mistake. Would you be ok with him having looked at her profile? I think a lot of people might do this, just out of curiosity no intent ect.

Fittle

He did nothing wrong in looking at her FB profile. And he did nothing wrong in saving her picture to his documents.

No one is really saying it is wrong.

But it's definitely not something I'd be comfortable with if I was his girlfriend.

Azureus

To me the issue isnt the picture anymore. I wouldn't even care how it got there anymore, its the fact that he blatantly lied about even looking at the page. Judging by the OPs posts, she seems rational and logical. The fact that she waited a few days to think about how she was going to approach it/waiting for no distractions etc shows this even more. Then the bf repays her by taking her for a ride and making up stories? Putting on an act saying he doesnt have a clue, when clearly he knows what he was at?

The OP doesnt sound like the type of girl to fly off the handle, and even if she was, lying just to avoid a confrontation is immature and not helpful to a relationship. Im trusting and very laid back but if my boyfriend had a picture of an ex on his laptop and then lied to me about it I would be seriously concerned about our relationship. Not because of the photo, but because of the lies. If he cant be honest with me about a little curiosity about an ex (if thats all it is) then what else is he gonna hide?

Definately need to talk this one out OP, explain things from your point of view (including the inappropriate contact and the fact the you KNOW he was lying becasue you saw him) and see how it goes from there. Stay calm and dont jump to conclusions; it could all be innocent and he just didnt want to upset you but fact is you need to get to the bottom fof it because its clearly bothered you.

LegacyUser

spinandscribble wrote: »

He's done wrong by lying.

If i was "caught" doing something similar I just admit it. I think more people would than you give credit for. If my bf found a ex's pic on my lappy i'd expect he'd be able to ask me about it.

Anyway op, I need to ask, would you have been ok if he had just accidently downloaded it? I know it might be hard to believe but maybe he did it by mistake. Would you be ok with him having looked at her profile? I think a lot of people might do this, just out of curiosity no intent ect.

If he had told me truthfully straight away that yes, he was on his ex's facebook page and somehow the picture got saved onto his laptop (i accept what KLJ has said about dragging the picture to my docs and I know this is possible) and he hadn't meant it to then fair enough, easy mistake and the end of the matter for me. Yes, it might have niggled at me just because it was this particular ex that has been an issue in the past but I trust my boyfriend to tell me the truth and if he had explained it in this way I would've accepted that as the truth and put it to bed.

I'm sure he has looked at her profile and possibly his other ex's profiles at some point or other. That's completely understandable, curiosity is completely understandable and I have no problem with that. I have myself done it. An ex actually popped into my head a few weeks ago because there was something on that he had always talked about going to and I saw it advertised and just thought hmmm, i wonder if he went to that. So i looked him up on facebook, couldn't get into his profile as we're not friends and just closed the page and didn't think anything else of him.

It is the fact that he has lied about this that has upset me. First of all lying about who it was in the picture eventhough he knows I know what his ex looks like. Then he admitted it was his ex but said he had no idea how it got on his laptop eventhough I told him I saw him on her facebook page. If he had done it by accident it would in my opinion have been very easy to admit this straight away.

moco

I think he just panicked as he had no feasible explanation, other than nosiness, so he denied all. My boyfriend has been known to do this on occassion, even though it's glaringly obvious he's lying, and actually impossible that he's not lying lol.

I don't know why they do it! Even some half-assed excuse is better than total denial which leaves you feeling a bit

I think you have to just let it drop now. I'd say he'll curb his looking at her page in future. You know yourself he was probably just being nosey, but if this ex has caused hassle between you in the past he's afraid of admitting to anything.

kjl

Well Confusedbyhisactions you have to just accept that guys lie. If it's any consolation he did it because he was a) trying to protect your feelings and b) because he was hoping to get away with it without an argument.

You should trust your bf not to cheat on you, but come on a little white lie to try to prevent an argument, I understand his motives.

Did you tell him that you looked at your ex's profile page? Are you not lying by omission if you didn't? Relationships are complex, in a perfect world everyone would tell the truth all the time, but that just isn't the case.

spinandscribble

kjl wrote: »

Well Confusedbyhisactions you have to just accept that guys lie.

please don't generalise men, I know plenty that wouldn't dream of lying, even little white lies to spare every day feelings.

If we accept lies, where does one draw the line? Slippery slope.

OP I think the only thing you can do is draw a line under this if he aplogises for lying to you in the first place (incase it was a case of fluster) but let him know what's your limitation with lies.

LegacyUser

I do trust my boyfriend not to cheat, sorry but that's not actually the issue here. Not once have I mentioned suspecting him of cheating nor have I thought that of him. Aside from knowing he wouldn't cheat (I won't go into the reasons here), it would also be impossible due to his personal circumstances (his home life) for him to cheat, he wouldn't have the time and I don't mean that flippantly, it's impossible to be in two places at once.

My boyfriend knows me well enough to know I do not start arguments. I don't make him feel like he has automatically done something wrong if I want to discuss something like this. It's hard to explain through a post but I don't put my boyfriend in a situation whereby he feels he has to lie to avoid an argument. We don't argue.

LegacyUser

spinandscribble wrote: »

please don't generalise men, I know plenty that wouldn't dream of lying, even little white lies to spare every day feelings.

If we accept lies, where does one draw the line? Slippery slope.

OP I think the only thing you can do is draw a line under this if he aplogises for lying to you in the first place (incase it was a case of fluster) but let him know what's your limitation with lies.

I would be very happy to draw a line under this if he apologised for lying. I have no intention of having this out with him now and then it being constantly on my mind and it being a topic of conversation further down the line because it hasn't been resolved properly. I'm not that type of person, as I said before, I trust my boyfriend not to lie to me and if he tells me something I believe him and that is that.

The thing is though he hasn't apologised and appears to have no intention of apologising. He hasn't admitted that he was looking at his ex's profile and the photo either got saved on his laptop by accident or that he saved it there intentionally.

LegacyUser

It's hard for strangers to give their opinions on situations like this without knowing either of you, but one thing stood out as strange for me.

If he did want to look at a picture of his ex for whatever reason, why the hell would he save a Facebook photo of her to his computer? Especially when he knows there's a chance that you use his laptop occasionally? If he wants to look at a picture of her, he can just go to her Facebook page. No saving involved, and no risk of you 'finding out'.

To me, it sounds like he's been backed into a corner a little bit. You confronted him, he thought '**** - this is completely innocent/a mistake, but I realise this looks really really bad. I'm going to deny it because I don't want it to escalate/don't want you to be upset over nothing'. Denying he knew it was her was a bad idea, definitely - but I can sort of see why he'd want to diffuse the situation straight away by telling a little white lie.

He'd want to come absolutely clean and talk it out, though, cos otherwise this sort of thing will fester and continue to be brought up between you, no matter how well the relationship is going otherwise.

mood

If there were problems in the past because of this ex that's even more reason he shouldn't be looking her up via facebook or be in contact with her via text. To be still in contact with someone you were seeing for one month three years later while you are in a serious relationship is odd!

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

If there were problems in the past because of this ex that's even more reason he shouldn't be looking her up via facebook or be in contact with her via text. To be still in contact with someone you were seeing for one month three years later while you are in a serious relationship is odd!

When she was an issue before I thought I was very reasonable. I didn't demand he stop speaking to her and tell her to f off out of his life. I asked that he just change the way he was speaking to her and he agreed to this and as far as I'm aware - just going by his word as I don't check up on him to make sure he isn't still speaking to her inappropriately - he doesn't speak to her like that anymore. Yes, it's unfortunate that it's this ex in particular that has cropped up again but when we spoke about her before I didn't ask him or expect him to kick her out of his life so I would have no problem with him looking her up on facebook or whatever but to lie about this is strange considering he knows how laidback I am about this kind of thing.

It is strange that he is still in contact (albeit very irregular contact) with someone he was only with for a few weeks 3 years ago when he's no longer in contact with his exes who live in the same town as us but as mentioned earlier I think it's fair to say she is his one that got away.

metrovelvet

There are two issues here.

1. Is the girlfriends picture

2. The lying about it

I dont know what to say about the picture. I know people who keep pictures of their exs and I know some exs who have pictures of me too. God knows why. I certainly dont get it, but I just chalk it up to being like having a picture of a holiday you were on or something along those lines.

The lying about it is another thing and while he should be honest about it the dynamic you created may have instigated a paradigm [game] which can be hard to get out of. In other words, if your approach around the subject was maternal or authoritarian, then he will react like a child who got caught with his hands in the cookie jar, rather than own up because he fears punishment of one sort or another. The thing is he is an adult and keep any damn pictures he likes on his computer. THey are his pictures and it is his computer. All you can do is tell him the affect that has on you and maybe he can talk about it a bit more until you both come to a solution where you are both happy, whether that means you accepting the picture for what it means, whether that is if it holds dense or diluted power in what it transmits to him, or if it means he hides it or deletes it altogether in order to keep your jealousy at bay.

LegacyUser

If he was keeping a picture of his ex or any ex on his laptop or phone or whatever this would not be a problem. I completely agree with you, he is entitled to have whatever he wants on his own computer but he has lied about how this particular picture got on his laptop.

My approach was neither maternal nor authoritarian. I didn't explode the minute I saw the picture on his laptop. I gave myself a few days to think about it rationally and see what I could come up with but in the end I had to speak to him about it because I couldn't figure out why the picture would be there. I waited until a day when he wasn't in work and there were no other distractions so that what we discussed wouldn't have a negative impact on anything else like his job or whatever else. My boyfriend has no reason to fear or expect punishment, he is my equal not my subordinate.

There is no jealousy on my part.

metrovelvet

He just said "Sure delete it out of there anyway because it shouldn't be in there". I said "No, it shouldn't be in there, it shouldn't be anywhere on your computer".

You would talk to an equal like that? I talk to my three year old like that, who in his infinite wisdom after I said to him about his drawing 'Wow what a beautiful caterpillar!' said back to me 'That's not a caterpillar mommy, that is a PICTURE of a caterpillar."

Your tone sounds quite mommyish.

If you are not jealous, why do you care?

LegacyUser

I said that in the context of how the picture got on his laptop in the first place.

I care because my boyfriend is lying to me.

metrovelvet

Confusedbyhisactions wrote: »

I said that in the context of how the picture got on his laptop in the first place.

I care because my boyfriend is lying to me.

Why shouldnt it be on his computer if you agree that he can have whatever he wants on his computer? The way you talked to him would suggest that you dont think its ok for him to have a picture of her on his computer and then you wanted to go through the rest of his computer to look for other things that shouldnt be on his computer.

So he lied about because he could tell from your reaction you wouldnt take it well. If it were me Id get it blown up to 6'4' dimensions and glue it to the ceiling.

LegacyUser

I'm not going to repeat myself over and over again, the situation has been explained in full in my previous posts.

I'm out of here, thanks to those who bothered to provide helpful advice, much appreciated.

Mods close thread if you wish.

LegacyUser

hi,

I read all your thread, and I think I would have reacted the same as you, well I would like to think I would. I would probably have confronted him there and then. It is a pity you did not. You were right to give it a few days though, and I think you were right to ask him.
I suspect that the most annoying part is the lying, there is nothing worse. I hate silly little lies that escalate and then you are made out to be the jealous silly person.

What gets me is that he knows you use his laptop, why would he save it there!!! very innocent or very stupid, you would know better.
You are going to go around in circles here, and only he can answer your questions. It would be a shame to let this effect your relationship, as like you said everything else is great. And you know he isnt cheating. So you need an honest answer from him, why did he save the photo, and why he lied. Tell him you dont mind him checking her facebook etc...that we all do it. But say to him you do mind if he is pining for what could have been with her etc...

let us know how you get on. chin up.

Confusedbyhisactions wrote: »

If he was keeping a picture of his ex or any ex on his laptop or phone or whatever this would not be a problem. I completely agree with you, he is entitled to have whatever he wants on his own computer but he has lied about how this particular picture got on his laptop.

My approach was neither maternal nor authoritarian. I didn't explode the minute I saw the picture on his laptop. I gave myself a few days to think about it rationally and see what I could come up with but in the end I had to speak to him about it because I couldn't figure out why the picture would be there. I waited until a day when he wasn't in work and there were no other distractions so that what we discussed wouldn't have a negative impact on anything else like his job or whatever else. My boyfriend has no reason to fear or expect punishment, he is my equal not my subordinate.

There is no jealousy on my part.

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

Why shouldnt it be on his computer if you agree that he can have whatever he wants on his computer? The way you talked to him would suggest that you dont think its ok for him to have a picture of her on his computer and then you wanted to go through the rest of his computer to look for other things that shouldnt be on his computer.

So he lied about because he could tell from your reaction you wouldnt take it well. If it were me Id get it blown up to 6'4' dimensions and glue it to the ceiling.

What are you talking about?

Surely if you can't offer constructive, non-argumentative advice in a thread you really ought to stop posting there?

The op isn't looking for an in-thread argument, I would imagine.

She's looking for advice on how to deal with her boyfriend.

Op, best you can do is ignore replies like the quoted one. You don't have to explain your actions. You were posting here to try and make sense of your boyfriend's actions.

Some people haven't lived through enough real life situations to comment on what you're going through but they continue to offer advice, often picking arguments at the expense of the OP.

Best to overlook such responses rather than trying to explain yourself over and over.

You have dealt with your boyfriend's actions far better than most women would. Well done.

WhatWillBee

metrovelvet wrote: »

So he lied about because he could tell from your reaction you wouldnt take it well. If it were me Id get it blown up to 6'4' dimensions and glue it to the ceiling.

oh for gods sakes, you are being ridiculous. Its ok for him to lie about it if he thought she wouldnt take it well? Its no wonder you are calling the OP 'mommyish' when you think this kind of childish behaviour is reasonable.

OP, I agree with some of the other posters that he most likely lied because he was embarrassed and caught a bit and just panicked. (I could swear you are going out with my ex! ) While this is certainly not a good trait to have I honestly I don't think hes anywhere near cheating, thinking of cheating etc etc.

I think you are going to have to talk to him again, hes not going to want to talk about it (who would!) so just and start off by explaining the following....

1. that you dont mind if hes curious about an ex.
2. you dont think hes cheating or anything but you just want to chat honestly about it
3. you're not mad but you do need to address a few things as a couple.

hopefully he wont be on the defensive after youve explained these.

3. you dont mind if he has pics of his ex's etc on his comp but downloading pics of her while you two are in a relationship and lying about it is a problem.
4. you are extra sensitive about any perceived inappropriateness with this particular girl because of his past behaviour.
5. lying about something fairly innocent only makes it seem like something IS going on.

Basically just try to set it up so that he doesnt think hes being accused of anything (not that I think you did this before) and then ask him to be honest and if theres anything you need to know about or he wants to chat about.

He'll probably explain that they are barely friends etc Great, then I would calmly just ask again what he feels about possibly not having anymore contact with this minor ex so that neither of you have to deal with this same kind of misunderstanding in the future. Try to explain to him that it would make life easier for the pair of yez and go from there.

Its a difficult situation you are in OP and I dont think anyone envies you, but I think you are doing all you can and I commend you for not going into major snoop mode like a ton of girls I know would!

You seem to trust your boyfriend but just have some questions. Thats all perfectly reasonable and I think if your boyf is willing to sit down and have a frank discussion about this with you it could all me solved in minutes and you two will be fine!