Need a womans opinion.....

SomePerson

Hi,
new poster here. Need the opinions of females please. Firstly, I am a crossdresser. I have dressed on and off for most of my life - say since 5 years of age. More recently due to to circumstances, I am living away from my girlfriend and family and can dress as often as i please. I am totally in love with my girlfriend and worship the ground she walks upon. She is my soulmate and we have plans to marry. A few years back I confessed to her about my dressing and it went down ok-ish. We had some fun with it and it was generally accepted. I had previously confessed to another girlfriend who ended our relationship as a result, so this was a huge relief.

After some years we broke up for a short period but got back together. At this time, she decided that she wanted my dressing to end. This was something that I could not promise and as a result the subject has become very taboo. She knows that I dress when living alone but is in the dark as to the extent of my wardrobe, which is ever growing. I long for her acceptance and and involvement in my passion. She, however believes I can possibly be cured through counselling.

A few things I should point out I guess:

I am a heterosexual male and am not interested in males, however, I find find some transsexuals attractive (respect for them perhaps).
I'm unsure as to why I cannot stop dressing - it's most certainly a release and something that makes me very happy.
I'm very happy to remain anonymous and indoors, tranny clubs, meetings and such are not very important to me.
I am a regular guy, into run-of-the-mill guy stuff. I don't want to be a woman.

My questions to you is how would you react to the special person in your life being as I am?
Are there people out there that have dealt with a similar situation successfully or not?
Please remember we are very much in love and this is the only stumbling block we have to overcome. I look forward to any responses.....

spinandscribble

It would shock me for sure and i'd ask loads of question like, do you want to be a woman? do you feel sexier this way? do you want to have sex with me like this? Do you do it for sexual reasons or for comfort? thats only the first few i'd ask. I would probably find it a huge turn off if I'm honest.

Is it important that you can share your time dressed as a woman with your gf?

Then you have to think about raising children around this. If its for comfort fair enough but if its for sexual reasons maybe you'd have to worry about exposing your children to that side of you, the same way you would hid your sexual life from them anyway.

If it is for comfort will the children if you have any be told this is a secret?

Theres things to think about down the road like this.

My gut reaction is not to try and change someone like this but boundaries need to be set because while its your thing by no means does that mean its your gfs thing.

SomePerson

thanks for the reply,

yes I'm well aware that this is my issue. This is not something I want to rub in her face, just perhaps some acceptance an understanding I guess. I totally take on board your opinions regarding having a family etc and thank you for them, its an issue that we will deal with after this one. I understand that what I do is not everybody'd cup of tea. Although I've done this all my life (I'm in my early 30's now) I'm still confused as to why? I want to re-iterate it's not a transsexual thing or a desire to want to be a woman. Yes, admittedly I do get a kick form dressing but it's not the overwhelming reason - it just feels right. The last thing I want to do is lose my girlfriend but I find it hard to mask this side of me and refuse to be disrespectful of her feelings. Can you understand my predicament?

Thanks for your feedback too

I am a friend

I personally don't understand it and would appreciate, to help me understand and try to reply, if you could explain why you like to dress up. What do you get out of it? why is it so important to you that you can't stop?

Am not trying to be awkward here but most people will prob be needing to know the same before they can answer.

SomePerson

I understand if your not in my situation it's hard to identify. OK I'll try and explain: from a young age I was always fascinated by womens clothes, the shape, fabric and most likely everything a woman would take for granted. I like to dress because it really settles me, relaxes me and offers a release. Sorry but this is the best I can think of. My girlfriend often says how she loves to get in from a hard day and throw on some comfy trackies or similar. To me getting dressed up offers the same kind of feeling.I know how this sounds odd but it does - it's just me. Everyone is different after all.

Thanks for the feedback

liah

This is going to sound a bit condescending and I don't mean it to be-- what's your relationship like with your mother?

I'm no psychotherapist or anything but the fact that you so attach it to relaxation and de-stress is interesting and may give clues as to the origins of your transvestism.

SomePerson

Hi,

I have an excellent relationship with my mother, however, would feel ashamed to reveal such a secret to my family. Shame is a huge feeling throughout my dressing life. I was caught as a kid dressing but it was never mentioned again, also have been caught by housemates in the past. I understand your opinion and thanks for it.

spinandscribble

Did you ever consider a career in fashion when you were younger? It might be a passion thats resulted in this comfort. Do you feel you need to dress as a woman daily or could you handle it being a weekend thing?

Since its not a sexual release just a relaxing release then I wouldn't worry about children as much. Everyones got things their kids have to deal with, smoking, drink ect but at least this won't damage your health

edit: just want to make clear i'm not comparing alcohol problems with your situation above.

SomePerson

thanks for the reply,

No never considered fashion as a career to be honest, just always was attracted to womens clothing. Other than that I am a very creative artist and musician so perhaps theres a link in there? Sometimes I dress on a daily basis (purely because I can maybe for now) other times I don't feel the need at all. I aim to be discreet and private in all my endeavours and don't feel the need to broadcast my situation (although I realise the irony of posting to the public domain).
Thanks again for your reply

ynul31f47k6b59

Hi, I have never directly had experience with a cross-dressing partner but someone very, very close to me has. She pretended that she was fine with it, but was actually very freaked out - she had concerns that he was gay, that he was sexually attracted to other cross-dressers - and it eventually ate away at her so hard that they broke up. In her case, the man was also a straight man.

I'd have to recommend that you both go and see a counsellor, - this is obviously something that makes you very happy, and you're not harming anyone - but your woman has already told you that she is not comfortable with it, so you need to find some way that the two of you can come to some arrangement where you both know exactly where the other person stands and what to do to help each other cope. If you don't want to speak to someone directly, there are lots of support groups online with many members who will have much more experience with the issues you need advice on - I just googled "crossdressing support group in Ireland" and there are a few options there.

Best of Luck and hope it all works out for you

SomePerson

Thanks for you reply,

Am aware of many support group in Ireland and the UK too, thanks.Also I'm quite willing to go to counselling over this issue, however, my experience in reading about the issue is that it's just a part of me. It's not something that can be be fixed! I'm obviously very open-minded and am willing to see all sides of the story. As I say I want my partner to understand, not to say you'll be fine after a one on one with a professional and you won't feel the need to dress anymore.

Thanks for your input

liah

Is there a way to compromise with your girlfriend? I think the problem for me wouldn't be so much that they're women's clothes (as in, the gender assignment of the garment doesn't bother me), just that women's clothes don't typically suit men and that's the only reason I'd find it a decided turn-off.

My point is, fashion is pretty androgynous these days and I'm sure you can compromise in a way where, say, you wear women's trousers and/or undergarments and an androgynous top or something when you're around the house with her, so it's not really 'overt' but you'd still feel comfortable.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'women's clothes' though; do you mean decidedly feminine clothes (e.g. dresses or pink or lace or shaped or skirts or any combination of the above) or clothes in general that are marketed to women?

LegacyUser

i dont know if i can be of any help, i dont have a huge amount of experience with this. but if it was me i would need to be reassured you werent gay. after that i think i would try and support you in it, if i loved you. i think it is unfair of her to change you. it must be hard not to be accepted.

some joint counselling maybe, so you could both understand where you are coming from?

I am a friend

I may be over simplifying this by if there is something you (or any of us) are doing to help us relax, which could have very profound impacts on a healthy, loving relationship then, if we want the relationship to survive, we need to control it.

As an example, I would not like my partner to go to the pub every night on the way home from work to have a few pints to relax. Maybe someone who doesn't drink would not be happy with a partner having a glass of wine every night to relax. Someone else would not be happy with a partner playing tennis every evening to relax and a choice needs to bd made by the person whose actions is affecting the relationship whether of not to control his / her behaviour. Do you see where I am coming from? If you cross dress for the reasons you give above then it should be controllable if it's hurting your relationships.

LegacyUser

If this is really not sexual or identity related in any way and just something you do to relax then finding other things to do to relax to replace it shouldn't be that hard. What I find most relaxing is to lie on a beach in the sun but between the weather and the fact that my SO hates the beach/sun it rarely happens. ... so I do other things that relax me. Other people smoke pot to relax but when they get married, they stop and find other ways to relax. So if this is really just about liking the feel of fabric then it really shouldn't be too hard to replace as part of compromising as it is something that makes your SO uncomfortable.

If it is something you feel you need/have to do then I think you should get counseling. Not because it is wrong but because it signifies there is a lot more attached to it than just the feel of fabric and it helping you relax. In my opinion it isn't healthy to need to do any one thing in order to relax.

ynul31f47k6b59

SomePerson wrote: »

Thanks for you reply,

Am aware of many support group in Ireland and the UK too, thanks.Also I'm quite willing to go to counselling over this issue, however, my experience in reading about the issue is that it's just a part of me. It's not something that can be be fixed! I'm obviously very open-minded and am willing to see all sides of the story. As I say I want my partner to understand, not to say you'll be fine after a one on one with a professional and you won't feel the need to dress anymore.

Thanks for your input

Oh god no, that's not what I meant at all - I meant that maybe if you and your partner could go and see someone together that she may get a better understanding of the fact that it's NOT something you can change, that it's a part of you. That maybe you could both get some ideas on how to deal with it as a couple - because it's normal for you, but it's probably confusing for her, and she needs extra help to understand. I wasn't in any way suggesting that you never do it again - just maybe see how she REALLY feels about it and maybe not do it in front of her? Or whatever solution you come up with.

SomePerson

"I'm not sure what you mean by 'women's clothes' though; do you mean decidedly feminine clothes (e.g. dresses or pink or lace or shaped or skirts or any combination of the above) or clothes in general that are marketed to women?"


By womens clothes, yes I mean clothes marketed towards women. I buy clothes from shops selling clothing for women. I take on your point regarding androgynous clothing and maybe that would help, thanks.
I think there's always some kind of compromise to any situation so thats kind of the idea of wanting the feedback I guess. I've been with my girlfriend for 10 years now so we're making real plans for our future. I don't want this to be an hinderance but it's something I cannot surrender as it helps define me, albeit in private.

"Do you see where I am coming from? If you cross dress for the reasons you give above then it should be controllable if it's hurting your relationships."

Yes I see where you are coming from. It's not a switch though, it's not like I can turn it on or off, hence the seeking advice. Yes it's not a 24/7 deal but it is important to my general being I guess. It's so hard to explain the feeling it gives me, just utter contentment, peace, a feeling of normality. I have suffered from bad anxiety attacks from a young age to this day( an obvious link) and when I dress, the anxiety disappears. I understand that this is an unusual situation and one that is alien to most people.

Again thanks all for you your feedback, every comment opinion is duly noted and appreciated!

SomePerson

"Oh god no, that's not what I meant at all - I meant that maybe if you and your partner could go and see someone together that she may get a better understanding of the fact that it's NOT something you can change, that it's a part of you. That maybe you could both get some ideas on how to deal with it as a couple - because it's normal for you, but it's probably confusing for her, and she needs extra help to understand. I wasn't in any way suggesting that you never do it again - just maybe see how she REALLY feels about it and maybe not do it in front of her? Or whatever solution you come up with."

Sorry maybe I came across all wrong, I think we're on the same page here to be honest. I know you weren't suggesting stopping all together, just maybe she thinks it's a possibility is all. I want to open up to her completely about this and not have any secrets in our relationship. This is not as easy as it sounds as it's a hard awkward topic to raise. Thanks for your reply.

Oryx

To be fair, how other people would react to you isnt going to help you address how your oh deals with it. Personally I dont have any issue with crossdressing, I think its just part of lifes rich tapestry. I find line dancing more weird but thats just me.

I dont find cross dressing men attractive, I prefer men to be masculine, but that wouldnt cause me a problem knowing, liking or loving a cross dressing man, it would just mean it would never form part of any sexual aspect. The most important thing to me would be having a partner comfortable enough in his own skin, and with me, to do the things he likes to do without hang ups or embarrassment. So thats how I see it.

But this is about your girlfriend, not me. You need to find out what her problems are with it, why she would want you to stop. Perhaps if she discovers what your reasons are and what it does and doesnt mean about you (ie your sexual orientation and gender) then you may allay her fears. Or maybe not. But talking to her is key. Whether you can do this between the two of you or whether you need the intervention of a counsellor is up to you, and how well you can communicate about it.

SomePerson

" I prefer men to be masculine"


I think you hit the nail on the head, that's her desire too. I am masculine most of the time just need this other outlet.

Distorted

I'm another one who would find it a huge turn off. Firstly because its not a way I would like the man in my life to spend his time, just as I wouldn't be keen on a man who spent all his time in the pub or at football, secondly, because I don't find it masculine and thirdly because the cross-dressers I've heard of in the media seem to pick the most stereotypically old fashioned, fussy women's clothing possible that does not compliment them. I'd also be really concerned that this was just a step on a path to something else (theres an article in the paper today about a cross dressing man who lost two wives because of it and has now undergone a sex change and is living with a woman in a lesbian relationship).

I should say that I have no problem with gay and bi-sexual people, and would probably even go out with a bi-sexual man if there were no other issues, but I find cross dressing really off-putting.

What is it that the cross dressing actually does for you? Does it turn you on?

Its not generally a masculine trait to be interested in women's clothing. Most straight men are repelled by too much of an interest in clothing. Is this perhaps part of something bigger in your life that you have not yet discovered or admitted? You said you are also interested in music and dance?

SomePerson

Yes I'm into music and art, but thats hardly a reason to start jumping to ridiculous conclusions. I respect your opinions but they don't really relate to me me in any way. Remember not to tar everyone with the same brush. Oh, by the way, just because something is in the paper, that doesn't mean you should take it too literally or base your opinions on it. Apologies if this seems harsh, but I feel you missed the point.

Chinafoot

Hi OP,

I'm not going to claim to know anything about this subject so the advice I will offer is to attend/contact one of the support groups that deal with this area and maybe see if your girlfriend would be open to finding out more on the subject with you. Counselling together would definitely be the way to go.

Like any issue in a relationship, you shouldn't sweep this under the carpet or let it become the elephant in the room. It will eat away at your relationship. If your girlfriend could learn more about it, understand that it definitely does not make you gay (has nobody here heard of Eddie Izzard?!) and that you are still the same person you have always been then you could probably find a decent compromise that can make you both happy.

I don't mean to be offensive to anyone here but insinuating that the OP must be gay just reeks of complete ignorance on the issue. I don't claim to know much about it but I do know that its entirely possible to be into cross-dressing while being completely heterosexual. Quizzing the OP is hardly helpful. Hopefully someone who knows more about the area will post soon and offer some more advice to you but for now I reckon the support groups are your best bet in order to help your girlfriend understand more.

I hope it all works out for you.

miec

Hi Op

For me personally I wouldn't have a problem with a man that cross-dresses, except if he was very one dimensional about it (ie: that was all he talked about). I doubt I could have sex with him dressed as a woman, but I have some understanding of the need that some man have to wear women's clothes. I believe it is an intrinsic part of some men, they need this outlet, it does not make them gay or more feminine or any of that, they just feel a release to wear women's clothes. I also feel that it is not something you can wish away or pretend that it does not matter. In life I believe we have to be true to ourselves first and honour all the parts of ourselves. The fact is you enjoy wearing women's clothes, it does not make you less of man, but different. The issue lies with your girlfriend, can she accept it or live with it? If you deny this part of yourself, it will affect the relationship in the long term, and you need to tell her this but equally, and sadly for you, if she cannot accept this part of you, you will have to let her go. I really hope it does not come to that but each of you have to be true to yourselves. I wish you both the best of luck Op.

thefeatheredcat

I've met a few cross-dressers down through the years and have no problem with it at all.

have you explained the cross-dressing to your girlfriend in the same way as you have here? In that it makes you feel relaxed?

I get the impression from your posts she sees it as an unhealthy habit that needs to be dealt with or "cure" with the attachment of a negative variable to the act itself and not you. She can separate the person you are from the act, yet this is also something that is a part of you and makes you the person you are.

If you had to stop cross-dressing altogether, what would you do to help relax you instead? Maybe you can find a compromise in finding an addition/alternative to help you relax and be so that the need to cross-dress can be made minimal, but also can still be a part of you in doing it now and again.

Would she be interested to be more involved in the process, for example, picking out clothes for you, to help her understand? Maybe it's more like a lack of understanding and inability to relate to cross-dressing on her part?

ggrr1970

I can't offer any great advice but I do have a few questions.

Has your dressing always been the same? i.e. has it changed in intensity over the years or has it always been the same?
Have you any desire to take it to any kind of extreme level?
Have you ever gone outside dressed up?
Would you like to?
If your g/f was completely cool with it, would that change your answers to any of the above questions?

SomePerson

Hi all,

thanks for the amazing response to my post, I'm overwhelmed by your input. It's great to get such a wide scope of views.

@thefeatheredcat Not sure if my gf would be into shopping together. We often go shopping for her and I find myself holding back the urge just to take note of items that I like. As I said, we live apart for the moment and when we see each other, I want to make the most of our time, so raising the issue can add an immediate strain and perhaps be a bad buzz I guess. I think overall she's lacking knowledge in the subject but know that she's willing to learn more, however I'm reluctant to push it on her. Every time I decide to email her links, I kinda bottle out! Perhaps, I should send her a link to this forum?

@ggrr1970 Firstly, no I guess my dressing has not always been the same. Resources and adding to my wardrobe etc has developed it. The fact that I can dress now more than ever has added a new dimension. I'm not sure by what you mean by an "extreme level". Surgery perhaps?, a 24/7 lifestyle? The answers to these are no, It's a purely personal thing that I want to share with the love of my life. I have never ventured outdoors and don't have a burning desire to do so although have had many offers to do so (I regularly chat online with similar people who enjoy meetings and chats etc). Finally, I cannot answer your last question as, if I could then I would be very rich, being able to anticipate what the future holds! I can can only answer on my current state of mind.

Thanks again y'all

thefeatheredcat

SomePerson wrote: »

@thefeatheredcat Not sure if my gf would be into shopping together. We often go shopping for her and I find myself holding back the urge just to take note of items that I like. As I said, we live apart for the moment and when we see each other, I want to make the most of our time, so raising the issue can add an immediate strain and perhaps be a bad buzz I guess. I think overall she's lacking knowledge in the subject but know that she's willing to learn more, however I'm reluctant to push it on her. Every time I decide to email her links, I kinda bottle out! Perhaps, I should send her a link to this forum?

If she's willing to learn more about it, that indeed is a good sign as it suggests she wants to understand it better, which is a healthy outlook to have.

I'd be wary of linking this forum/thread directly for the simple reason that it could be taken out of context. Then again, it might not.

Has she approached you to find out more about cross-dressing? It may be the way it has to go, so maybe take the approach of offering the idea of learning more about it, rather than directly providing links, which she could ask for to gain perspective on it.

Elle Collins

Hi OP. I think from what you've said it is obvious that your partner does not want this to be part of your relationship. If, as you say, she's urging you to go to counselling in order to eradicate it then surely that's more than clear?

She is not comfortable with it at this time and I suspect she never was. It sounds to me like she was just playing along with the whole thing because she didn't want to lose you.

The facts are, some women will be okay with this and some wont. It doesnt really matter whether particiular posters here would or would not be able to have a good relationship with a cross-dressing man, the facts are the woman you are with cannot or will not incorporate this into her life. I think you need to face some facts here: You say that you want to share this with the love of your life, but she doesn't even want this behaviour to exist, never mind share it with you!

I don't think this relationship is a good match OP. Really, do you think you have any more right to pressure her into being ok with it than she has to stop you cross-dressing?

Danniboo

Op, you said you are with your girlfriend 10 years why are you only getting around to telling her this recently? Perhaps thats something that could be bothering her as I know that this would be one of the major issues if I was in her shoes.

kevin99

You say you are straight. You don't say if you 'get off' when wearing women's clothing. You say you are a xdresser. Do you mean transvestite?
In other words do you **** off when dressed as a women? Is that what you mean by being relaxed?

You have no right to say you want your gf to understand. Most girls would be freaked out.

There is a lot you are deliberately keeping from us here. You don't say where you get your clothes; how often you dress; whether you dress fully or partially?

And you don't explain the comfort you get.

A bit more honesty would be welcome...for starters

Distorted

SomePerson wrote: »

Yes I'm into music and art, but thats hardly a reason to start jumping to ridiculous conclusions. I respect your opinions but they don't really relate to me me in any way. Remember not to tar everyone with the same brush. Oh, by the way, just because something is in the paper, that doesn't mean you should take it too literally or base your opinions on it. Apologies if this seems harsh, but I feel you missed the point.

So sorry, I did not realise you only wanted the opinions of women who agreed with your version of how people should see this. If you cannot discuss these issues on such a forum then how are going to discuss them with your girlfriend? Does she know all the details, or is she going out with a person whom she doesn't really know?

And yes, this is perhaps a response she might have. She might question her committment to you long term because she might think there are other things you have not yet faced up to yourself. It seems to me that there is a lot more under the surface which you hint at but shy away from speaking about.

Ickle Magoo

I think you have to be realistic - after already having had a break up, your girlfriend now wants you to stop cross-dressing and thinks this is a behaviour so wrong that it requires a "cure" which evokes such strength of emotion that it's grown into a taboo....that's more than a stumbling block - that's well on it's way to being an insurmountable issue.

One of you has to give. You have to stop this being a taboo issue right now and lay all your cards on the table, emphasising how happy it makes you and it's a part of you she must accept at least in some capacity for your relationship to work - or you have to stop. There is no point in hiding in the 95% of the relationship you are both happy with if there is always going to be this enormous elephant in the room you are both pretending doesn't exist.

All the best

SomePerson

Thanks again for the feedback here,

@Elle Collins: "Really, do you think you have any more right to pressure her into being ok with it than she has to stop you cross-dressing?"

I've never pressured her into doing anything, nor have I claimed to. Her feelings are central to my every move.

@Danniboo: "Op, you said you are with your girlfriend 10 years why are you only getting around to telling her this recently? Perhaps thats something that could be bothering her as I know that this would be one of the major issues if I was in her shoes."

I failed to mention that I revealed this to her 7 years ago. Before that we were travelling together for some time and it wasn't until we moved in together here that I felt I had to tell her. We both trust each other very much, hence my ordeal/predicament.

@Kevin99 : "There is a lot you are deliberately keeping from us here. You don't say where you get your clothes; how often you dress; whether you dress fully or partially?"

How do you know I'm deliberately keeping something from ye all. That is but a sweeping statement. I buy all my own clothes, from shops and online. I dress fully and partially when I feel like it be that daily, weekly or sometimes not for a while. Yes it makes me feel relaxed. As mentioned I suffer from anxiety - which is a real pain in the ass to be honest. It helps to relieve this anxiety. If you've never had a panic/anxiety attack, I doubt you will understand the feeling. Please don't assume sex and masturbation is the root of everything.

@Distorted: "So sorry, I did not realise you only wanted the opinions of women who agreed with your version of how people should see this."

Should see what? You assume that people who appreciate art and music are either gay or a sissy of some sort. Your comment reflects your chosen username well.

Thanks all for the best wishes.

Distorted

SomePerson wrote: »

Should see what? You assume that people who appreciate art and music are either gay or a sissy of some sort. Your comment reflects your chosen username well.

No, I don't assume that. And I most certainly do not assume that gay people are cissies. How rude to gay people! Do you? In your case, I simply said that a woman (of which your girlfriend is one) might be worred that you might decide to become gay at some future stage. In your case, its the combination of being arty and musical and into dressing in women's clothes, all together. I'm not saying you are gay (how could I possibly know?), what I am saying is that someone in the position of your girlfriend, considering whether to stake her entire future with you, might wonder this. It is surely something you must have considered she might be concerned about. Fine, if its not an issue then thats great for you and her.

What I will say though is that you come across very angry and aggressive, and considering how long you have been cross dressing and how much of an issue it is in your life (i.e. in that it is having an effect on your long term relationship), you seem to have remarkably little insight as to why it gives you release. You also seem to have very little insight into the thoughts of others who have to cope with it who are in your life. Perhaps if you weren't so aggressive to opinions which diverge from your own, you might make some progress in understanding it yourself. Because how do you expect your girlfriend to understand it if you cannot make a reasonable attempt to explain it to others without becoming angry and aggressive?

What was the other thing? Social anxiety? Have you ever tried counselling, or would that diverge too much from your mantra, which appears to be to do what you want and to hell with everyone else?

onlyrocknroll

SomePerson wrote: »

@thefeatheredcat[/I I think overall she's lacking knowledge in the subject but know that she's willing to learn more, however I'm reluctant to push it on her. Every time I decide to email her links, I kinda bottle out! Perhaps, I should send her a link to this forum?

Hey someperson.

Sorry not a female's perspective but I hope that I can be of help.

I do think that showing her some literature or websites about crossdressing might be your best bet. I can understand your reluctance on this point but I think that it might be an answer for your problem. The more she learns about the subject the more likely she is to be able empathise with you and find it all a little less 'strange' or threatening. Especially as you've said that she's open to the idea of learning more.

Maybe not a link to this forum, but perhaps there are more appropriate links or books out there. I imagine that a lot of people have been in your position (probable a lot of people on boards) and that there is relevant information to be found.

Also you've said above that you think that her problem might be that she finds it unmanly and therefore unattractive. Have you talked to her about this? Do you know specifically what her problems with it are?

Perhaps you can reach some agreement whereby you can continue leading the lifestyle that is important to you under some compromises. ie. You only cross dress when she's not around etc. Obviously I don't know if that is suitable for you, but I think that if she's specific with you about her qualms than maybe you both can work something out.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

RedRoseMafia

Distorted wrote: »

What I will say though is that you come across very angry and aggressive, and considering how long you have been cross dressing and how much of an issue it is in your life (i.e. in that it is having an effect on your long term relationship), you seem to have remarkably little insight as to why it gives you release. You also seem to have very little insight into the thoughts of others who have to cope with it who are in your life. Perhaps if you weren't so aggressive to opinions which diverge from your own, you might make some progress in understanding it yourself. Because how do you expect your girlfriend to understand it if you cannot make a reasonable attempt to explain it to others without becoming angry and aggressive?

What was the other thing? Social anxiety? Have you ever tried counselling, or would that diverge too much from your mantra, which appears to be to do what you want and to hell with everyone else?

The only one who is aggressive around her is you. Re-read your post, where did all that anger come from??

IMO, the OP is doing his best to be honest and patient in a difficult situation, I think your view is a little 'distorted'.

Ickle Magoo

RedRoseMafia,

If you have an issue with a post or poster please use the report function rather than dragging the thread off-topic by responding to a poster who is not the OP.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter.

Many thanks.

SomePerson

Distorted wrote: »

No, I don't assume that. And I most certainly do not assume that gay people are cissies. How rude to gay people! Do you? In your case, I simply said that a woman (of which your girlfriend is one) might be worred that you might decide to become gay at some future stage.

I never stated that you assumed gay people are sissies, please read posts correctly before lashing out. It seems that you are the only angry on here. I also resent you comment about how perhaps I may decide to "become gay" in the future. How or why? Just for the hell of it? Just for kicks? Just cos I'm bored one day? I believe this is an offensive theory to people of any orientation and an ill-informed one at that.

Distorted wrote: »

What was the other thing? Social anxiety? Have you ever tried counselling, or would that diverge too much from your mantra, which appears to be to do what you want and to hell with everyone else?

"Social Anxiety" has been mentioned only once in this forum and that would be in your post. I am therefore clueless on how to respond. Again please read before jumping into a rant. and please look up the definition for anxiety before any further replies. It's not as cut and dry as you may imagine. You also seem to have overlooked that my girlfriends thoughts, emotions and feelings are being placed ahead of my own here. I am simply seeking some constructive advice.

Thanks again for all replies

Moomoo1

Distorted wrote: »

I'm another one who would find it a huge turn off. Firstly because its not a way I would like the man in my life to spend his time, just as I wouldn't be keen on a man who spent all his time in the pub or at football, secondly, because I don't find it masculine and thirdly because the cross-dressers I've heard of in the media seem to pick the most stereotypically old fashioned, fussy women's clothing possible that does not compliment them. I'd also be really concerned that this was just a step on a path to something else (theres an article in the paper today about a cross dressing man who lost two wives because of it and has now undergone a sex change and is living with a woman in a lesbian relationship).

I should say that I have no problem with gay and bi-sexual people, and would probably even go out with a bi-sexual man if there were no other issues, but I find cross dressing really off-putting.

What is it that the cross dressing actually does for you? Does it turn you on?

Its not generally a masculine trait to be interested in women's clothing. Most straight men are repelled by too much of an interest in clothing. Is this perhaps part of something bigger in your life that you have not yet discovered or admitted? You said you are also interested in music and dance?

that sort of attitude is somewhat hypocritical given that it's acceptable for a woman to be dressed in men's clothes

Ickle Magoo

Moomoo1 warned for off-topic and unhelpful posting.

The purpose of this forum is to offer advice on the issue put forward by the OP - if posters are unable to do that, kindly refrain from posting.

Moomoo1

<snip>

OP, about this short break up several years ago - did that have anything to do with cross-dressing? Why do you think she said that it had to stop after that?

I would stand firm on this one - you are a guy after all and you can't let a woman take away what is your main hobby in life.

why do you think she was ok with it and then suddenly changed? Have you tried asking what she is afraid of?

SomePerson

Hi,

no the crossdressing was not the issue when we broke up before. It was my fault in a different way unfortunately. I had to work long and hard to win her back. When we did get back she asked me to stop dressing or cut it down, that it did nothing for her at all (I can't blame her it's my thing after all). This request sounds easy but believe me its not! This is something that has been in me since I was 5/6 years of age - and still I don't know why me?
I have asked those questions, like what is he afraid of etc, following up with "its only clothes", but this is not a turn on for her. I'm not sure what to do really, I certainly won't offer her an ultimatum of any sort and I won't attempt to force this on her in any way. Some acceptance is what I'm after I guess.

Thanks again for the feedback.

Pilgrim Soul

Hi OP,
Not sure I can offer anything constructive to aid your dilemna. I am trying to put myself in both your positions. It does appear that your girlfriend is not for turning. I am very open minded and don't care what people want to do in the privacy of your home. But the word hobby has been mentioned and I am not sure if that fits.
You say you do it to relax and mention your anxiety problem and I get the impression that frequency has increased (or at least your desire). Is it possible it has become a crutch for you i.e an escape or at least an association has happened in your head that you can switch off from that fear when dressed up. For example like someone turning to drink to block nerves or emotional pain.
Maybe it is not about your girlfriend accepting you dressed as a woman but instead you accepting yourself and being as relaxed dressed as a man (or it at least being irrelevant).
Please feel free to ignore all this. It is not something I have experience of and I don't judge you at all OP! I would like any partner to accept me warts and all. But I would like to think that I was not attached to any of my private habits, in that I could take them or leave them if I wanted.
I am not addressing the issue of your girlfriend accepting or not. However I do beleive if you are 100% happy with yourself this might be less of any issue then you think.

Taltos

I don't know OP - at the end of the day they are just clothes.
I am just wondering if your girlfriend or indeed so many posters here would have such a hard time if you had posted that you like to sit around in the privacy of your own home naked to help you relax..???...

I think the reaction of others says alot more about them and their preconceptions than it does about you.
Ideally in your own home you should be safe to dress or not as you choose - it is meant to be your sanctuary after all.
If your girlfriend really has tried to accept this but cannot you have a few options still open to you.

1. Couples counselling - I know I am jumping on this again - but who knows maybe through talking about it she can come to see that dressing as a woman allows you to emotionally deal with stress in a way that you are otherwise unable to.
2. Agree on one room being yours - for your clothes etc. This is your safe room for want of a better word and while in that room - and only that room you can dress as you choose. The rest of the time it is kept securly locked so nobody can just wander in.
3. Agree on say a set day per month where instead of checking into a spa you check into an hotel and dress there as you choose.
4. If you really think that you need help then you seek advice.
5. You throw it all away and find a new way to cope with stress - risky, but who knows - am sure that denying who you are will have no lasting consequences...
6. You are both at an impasse and basically neither can accept the others viewpoint - in this case I think you are both better off apart - who knows time apart may help or indeed you both may meet someone else more intune with the inner you.

Best of luck OP - hope you find a way to work this out.