Need a womans opinion.....

SomePerson

Hi,
new poster here. Need the opinions of females please. Firstly, I am a crossdresser. I have dressed on and off for most of my life - say since 5 years of age. More recently due to to circumstances, I am living away from my girlfriend and family and can dress as often as i please. I am totally in love with my girlfriend and worship the ground she walks upon. She is my soulmate and we have plans to marry. A few years back I confessed to her about my dressing and it went down ok-ish. We had some fun with it and it was generally accepted. I had previously confessed to another girlfriend who ended our relationship as a result, so this was a huge relief.

After some years we broke up for a short period but got back together. At this time, she decided that she wanted my dressing to end. This was something that I could not promise and as a result the subject has become very taboo. She knows that I dress when living alone but is in the dark as to the extent of my wardrobe, which is ever growing. I long for her acceptance and and involvement in my passion. She, however believes I can possibly be cured through counselling.

A few things I should point out I guess:

I am a heterosexual male and am not interested in males, however, I find find some transsexuals attractive (respect for them perhaps).
I'm unsure as to why I cannot stop dressing - it's most certainly a release and something that makes me very happy.
I'm very happy to remain anonymous and indoors, tranny clubs, meetings and such are not very important to me.
I am a regular guy, into run-of-the-mill guy stuff. I don't want to be a woman.

My questions to you is how would you react to the special person in your life being as I am?
Are there people out there that have dealt with a similar situation successfully or not?
Please remember we are very much in love and this is the only stumbling block we have to overcome. I look forward to any responses.....

spinandscribble

It would shock me for sure and i'd ask loads of question like, do you want to be a woman? do you feel sexier this way? do you want to have sex with me like this? Do you do it for sexual reasons or for comfort? thats only the first few i'd ask. I would probably find it a huge turn off if I'm honest.

Is it important that you can share your time dressed as a woman with your gf?

Then you have to think about raising children around this. If its for comfort fair enough but if its for sexual reasons maybe you'd have to worry about exposing your children to that side of you, the same way you would hid your sexual life from them anyway.

If it is for comfort will the children if you have any be told this is a secret?

Theres things to think about down the road like this.

My gut reaction is not to try and change someone like this but boundaries need to be set because while its your thing by no means does that mean its your gfs thing.

SomePerson

thanks for the reply,

yes I'm well aware that this is my issue. This is not something I want to rub in her face, just perhaps some acceptance an understanding I guess. I totally take on board your opinions regarding having a family etc and thank you for them, its an issue that we will deal with after this one. I understand that what I do is not everybody'd cup of tea. Although I've done this all my life (I'm in my early 30's now) I'm still confused as to why? I want to re-iterate it's not a transsexual thing or a desire to want to be a woman. Yes, admittedly I do get a kick form dressing but it's not the overwhelming reason - it just feels right. The last thing I want to do is lose my girlfriend but I find it hard to mask this side of me and refuse to be disrespectful of her feelings. Can you understand my predicament?

Thanks for your feedback too

I am a friend

I personally don't understand it and would appreciate, to help me understand and try to reply, if you could explain why you like to dress up. What do you get out of it? why is it so important to you that you can't stop?

Am not trying to be awkward here but most people will prob be needing to know the same before they can answer.

SomePerson

I understand if your not in my situation it's hard to identify. OK I'll try and explain: from a young age I was always fascinated by womens clothes, the shape, fabric and most likely everything a woman would take for granted. I like to dress because it really settles me, relaxes me and offers a release. Sorry but this is the best I can think of. My girlfriend often says how she loves to get in from a hard day and throw on some comfy trackies or similar. To me getting dressed up offers the same kind of feeling.I know how this sounds odd but it does - it's just me. Everyone is different after all.

Thanks for the feedback

liah

This is going to sound a bit condescending and I don't mean it to be-- what's your relationship like with your mother?

I'm no psychotherapist or anything but the fact that you so attach it to relaxation and de-stress is interesting and may give clues as to the origins of your transvestism.

SomePerson

Hi,

I have an excellent relationship with my mother, however, would feel ashamed to reveal such a secret to my family. Shame is a huge feeling throughout my dressing life. I was caught as a kid dressing but it was never mentioned again, also have been caught by housemates in the past. I understand your opinion and thanks for it.

spinandscribble

Did you ever consider a career in fashion when you were younger? It might be a passion thats resulted in this comfort. Do you feel you need to dress as a woman daily or could you handle it being a weekend thing?

Since its not a sexual release just a relaxing release then I wouldn't worry about children as much. Everyones got things their kids have to deal with, smoking, drink ect but at least this won't damage your health

edit: just want to make clear i'm not comparing alcohol problems with your situation above.

SomePerson

thanks for the reply,

No never considered fashion as a career to be honest, just always was attracted to womens clothing. Other than that I am a very creative artist and musician so perhaps theres a link in there? Sometimes I dress on a daily basis (purely because I can maybe for now) other times I don't feel the need at all. I aim to be discreet and private in all my endeavours and don't feel the need to broadcast my situation (although I realise the irony of posting to the public domain).
Thanks again for your reply

ynul31f47k6b59

Hi, I have never directly had experience with a cross-dressing partner but someone very, very close to me has. She pretended that she was fine with it, but was actually very freaked out - she had concerns that he was gay, that he was sexually attracted to other cross-dressers - and it eventually ate away at her so hard that they broke up. In her case, the man was also a straight man.

I'd have to recommend that you both go and see a counsellor, - this is obviously something that makes you very happy, and you're not harming anyone - but your woman has already told you that she is not comfortable with it, so you need to find some way that the two of you can come to some arrangement where you both know exactly where the other person stands and what to do to help each other cope. If you don't want to speak to someone directly, there are lots of support groups online with many members who will have much more experience with the issues you need advice on - I just googled "crossdressing support group in Ireland" and there are a few options there.

Best of Luck and hope it all works out for you

SomePerson

Thanks for you reply,

Am aware of many support group in Ireland and the UK too, thanks.Also I'm quite willing to go to counselling over this issue, however, my experience in reading about the issue is that it's just a part of me. It's not something that can be be fixed! I'm obviously very open-minded and am willing to see all sides of the story. As I say I want my partner to understand, not to say you'll be fine after a one on one with a professional and you won't feel the need to dress anymore.

Thanks for your input

liah

Is there a way to compromise with your girlfriend? I think the problem for me wouldn't be so much that they're women's clothes (as in, the gender assignment of the garment doesn't bother me), just that women's clothes don't typically suit men and that's the only reason I'd find it a decided turn-off.

My point is, fashion is pretty androgynous these days and I'm sure you can compromise in a way where, say, you wear women's trousers and/or undergarments and an androgynous top or something when you're around the house with her, so it's not really 'overt' but you'd still feel comfortable.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'women's clothes' though; do you mean decidedly feminine clothes (e.g. dresses or pink or lace or shaped or skirts or any combination of the above) or clothes in general that are marketed to women?

LegacyUser

i dont know if i can be of any help, i dont have a huge amount of experience with this. but if it was me i would need to be reassured you werent gay. after that i think i would try and support you in it, if i loved you. i think it is unfair of her to change you. it must be hard not to be accepted.

some joint counselling maybe, so you could both understand where you are coming from?

I am a friend

I may be over simplifying this by if there is something you (or any of us) are doing to help us relax, which could have very profound impacts on a healthy, loving relationship then, if we want the relationship to survive, we need to control it.

As an example, I would not like my partner to go to the pub every night on the way home from work to have a few pints to relax. Maybe someone who doesn't drink would not be happy with a partner having a glass of wine every night to relax. Someone else would not be happy with a partner playing tennis every evening to relax and a choice needs to bd made by the person whose actions is affecting the relationship whether of not to control his / her behaviour. Do you see where I am coming from? If you cross dress for the reasons you give above then it should be controllable if it's hurting your relationships.

LegacyUser

If this is really not sexual or identity related in any way and just something you do to relax then finding other things to do to relax to replace it shouldn't be that hard. What I find most relaxing is to lie on a beach in the sun but between the weather and the fact that my SO hates the beach/sun it rarely happens. ... so I do other things that relax me. Other people smoke pot to relax but when they get married, they stop and find other ways to relax. So if this is really just about liking the feel of fabric then it really shouldn't be too hard to replace as part of compromising as it is something that makes your SO uncomfortable.

If it is something you feel you need/have to do then I think you should get counseling. Not because it is wrong but because it signifies there is a lot more attached to it than just the feel of fabric and it helping you relax. In my opinion it isn't healthy to need to do any one thing in order to relax.

ynul31f47k6b59

SomePerson wrote: »

Thanks for you reply,

Am aware of many support group in Ireland and the UK too, thanks.Also I'm quite willing to go to counselling over this issue, however, my experience in reading about the issue is that it's just a part of me. It's not something that can be be fixed! I'm obviously very open-minded and am willing to see all sides of the story. As I say I want my partner to understand, not to say you'll be fine after a one on one with a professional and you won't feel the need to dress anymore.

Thanks for your input

Oh god no, that's not what I meant at all - I meant that maybe if you and your partner could go and see someone together that she may get a better understanding of the fact that it's NOT something you can change, that it's a part of you. That maybe you could both get some ideas on how to deal with it as a couple - because it's normal for you, but it's probably confusing for her, and she needs extra help to understand. I wasn't in any way suggesting that you never do it again - just maybe see how she REALLY feels about it and maybe not do it in front of her? Or whatever solution you come up with.

SomePerson

"I'm not sure what you mean by 'women's clothes' though; do you mean decidedly feminine clothes (e.g. dresses or pink or lace or shaped or skirts or any combination of the above) or clothes in general that are marketed to women?"


By womens clothes, yes I mean clothes marketed towards women. I buy clothes from shops selling clothing for women. I take on your point regarding androgynous clothing and maybe that would help, thanks.
I think there's always some kind of compromise to any situation so thats kind of the idea of wanting the feedback I guess. I've been with my girlfriend for 10 years now so we're making real plans for our future. I don't want this to be an hinderance but it's something I cannot surrender as it helps define me, albeit in private.

"Do you see where I am coming from? If you cross dress for the reasons you give above then it should be controllable if it's hurting your relationships."

Yes I see where you are coming from. It's not a switch though, it's not like I can turn it on or off, hence the seeking advice. Yes it's not a 24/7 deal but it is important to my general being I guess. It's so hard to explain the feeling it gives me, just utter contentment, peace, a feeling of normality. I have suffered from bad anxiety attacks from a young age to this day( an obvious link) and when I dress, the anxiety disappears. I understand that this is an unusual situation and one that is alien to most people.

Again thanks all for you your feedback, every comment opinion is duly noted and appreciated!

SomePerson

"Oh god no, that's not what I meant at all - I meant that maybe if you and your partner could go and see someone together that she may get a better understanding of the fact that it's NOT something you can change, that it's a part of you. That maybe you could both get some ideas on how to deal with it as a couple - because it's normal for you, but it's probably confusing for her, and she needs extra help to understand. I wasn't in any way suggesting that you never do it again - just maybe see how she REALLY feels about it and maybe not do it in front of her? Or whatever solution you come up with."

Sorry maybe I came across all wrong, I think we're on the same page here to be honest. I know you weren't suggesting stopping all together, just maybe she thinks it's a possibility is all. I want to open up to her completely about this and not have any secrets in our relationship. This is not as easy as it sounds as it's a hard awkward topic to raise. Thanks for your reply.

Oryx

To be fair, how other people would react to you isnt going to help you address how your oh deals with it. Personally I dont have any issue with crossdressing, I think its just part of lifes rich tapestry. I find line dancing more weird but thats just me.

I dont find cross dressing men attractive, I prefer men to be masculine, but that wouldnt cause me a problem knowing, liking or loving a cross dressing man, it would just mean it would never form part of any sexual aspect. The most important thing to me would be having a partner comfortable enough in his own skin, and with me, to do the things he likes to do without hang ups or embarrassment. So thats how I see it.

But this is about your girlfriend, not me. You need to find out what her problems are with it, why she would want you to stop. Perhaps if she discovers what your reasons are and what it does and doesnt mean about you (ie your sexual orientation and gender) then you may allay her fears. Or maybe not. But talking to her is key. Whether you can do this between the two of you or whether you need the intervention of a counsellor is up to you, and how well you can communicate about it.

SomePerson

" I prefer men to be masculine"


I think you hit the nail on the head, that's her desire too. I am masculine most of the time just need this other outlet.

Distorted

I'm another one who would find it a huge turn off. Firstly because its not a way I would like the man in my life to spend his time, just as I wouldn't be keen on a man who spent all his time in the pub or at football, secondly, because I don't find it masculine and thirdly because the cross-dressers I've heard of in the media seem to pick the most stereotypically old fashioned, fussy women's clothing possible that does not compliment them. I'd also be really concerned that this was just a step on a path to something else (theres an article in the paper today about a cross dressing man who lost two wives because of it and has now undergone a sex change and is living with a woman in a lesbian relationship).

I should say that I have no problem with gay and bi-sexual people, and would probably even go out with a bi-sexual man if there were no other issues, but I find cross dressing really off-putting.

What is it that the cross dressing actually does for you? Does it turn you on?

Its not generally a masculine trait to be interested in women's clothing. Most straight men are repelled by too much of an interest in clothing. Is this perhaps part of something bigger in your life that you have not yet discovered or admitted? You said you are also interested in music and dance?

SomePerson

Yes I'm into music and art, but thats hardly a reason to start jumping to ridiculous conclusions. I respect your opinions but they don't really relate to me me in any way. Remember not to tar everyone with the same brush. Oh, by the way, just because something is in the paper, that doesn't mean you should take it too literally or base your opinions on it. Apologies if this seems harsh, but I feel you missed the point.

Chinafoot

Hi OP,

I'm not going to claim to know anything about this subject so the advice I will offer is to attend/contact one of the support groups that deal with this area and maybe see if your girlfriend would be open to finding out more on the subject with you. Counselling together would definitely be the way to go.

Like any issue in a relationship, you shouldn't sweep this under the carpet or let it become the elephant in the room. It will eat away at your relationship. If your girlfriend could learn more about it, understand that it definitely does not make you gay (has nobody here heard of Eddie Izzard?!) and that you are still the same person you have always been then you could probably find a decent compromise that can make you both happy.

I don't mean to be offensive to anyone here but insinuating that the OP must be gay just reeks of complete ignorance on the issue. I don't claim to know much about it but I do know that its entirely possible to be into cross-dressing while being completely heterosexual. Quizzing the OP is hardly helpful. Hopefully someone who knows more about the area will post soon and offer some more advice to you but for now I reckon the support groups are your best bet in order to help your girlfriend understand more.

I hope it all works out for you.

miec

Hi Op

For me personally I wouldn't have a problem with a man that cross-dresses, except if he was very one dimensional about it (ie: that was all he talked about). I doubt I could have sex with him dressed as a woman, but I have some understanding of the need that some man have to wear women's clothes. I believe it is an intrinsic part of some men, they need this outlet, it does not make them gay or more feminine or any of that, they just feel a release to wear women's clothes. I also feel that it is not something you can wish away or pretend that it does not matter. In life I believe we have to be true to ourselves first and honour all the parts of ourselves. The fact is you enjoy wearing women's clothes, it does not make you less of man, but different. The issue lies with your girlfriend, can she accept it or live with it? If you deny this part of yourself, it will affect the relationship in the long term, and you need to tell her this but equally, and sadly for you, if she cannot accept this part of you, you will have to let her go. I really hope it does not come to that but each of you have to be true to yourselves. I wish you both the best of luck Op.

thefeatheredcat

I've met a few cross-dressers down through the years and have no problem with it at all.

have you explained the cross-dressing to your girlfriend in the same way as you have here? In that it makes you feel relaxed?

I get the impression from your posts she sees it as an unhealthy habit that needs to be dealt with or "cure" with the attachment of a negative variable to the act itself and not you. She can separate the person you are from the act, yet this is also something that is a part of you and makes you the person you are.

If you had to stop cross-dressing altogether, what would you do to help relax you instead? Maybe you can find a compromise in finding an addition/alternative to help you relax and be so that the need to cross-dress can be made minimal, but also can still be a part of you in doing it now and again.

Would she be interested to be more involved in the process, for example, picking out clothes for you, to help her understand? Maybe it's more like a lack of understanding and inability to relate to cross-dressing on her part?

ggrr1970

I can't offer any great advice but I do have a few questions.

Has your dressing always been the same? i.e. has it changed in intensity over the years or has it always been the same?
Have you any desire to take it to any kind of extreme level?
Have you ever gone outside dressed up?
Would you like to?
If your g/f was completely cool with it, would that change your answers to any of the above questions?

SomePerson

Hi all,

thanks for the amazing response to my post, I'm overwhelmed by your input. It's great to get such a wide scope of views.

@thefeatheredcat Not sure if my gf would be into shopping together. We often go shopping for her and I find myself holding back the urge just to take note of items that I like. As I said, we live apart for the moment and when we see each other, I want to make the most of our time, so raising the issue can add an immediate strain and perhaps be a bad buzz I guess. I think overall she's lacking knowledge in the subject but know that she's willing to learn more, however I'm reluctant to push it on her. Every time I decide to email her links, I kinda bottle out! Perhaps, I should send her a link to this forum?

@ggrr1970 Firstly, no I guess my dressing has not always been the same. Resources and adding to my wardrobe etc has developed it. The fact that I can dress now more than ever has added a new dimension. I'm not sure by what you mean by an "extreme level". Surgery perhaps?, a 24/7 lifestyle? The answers to these are no, It's a purely personal thing that I want to share with the love of my life. I have never ventured outdoors and don't have a burning desire to do so although have had many offers to do so (I regularly chat online with similar people who enjoy meetings and chats etc). Finally, I cannot answer your last question as, if I could then I would be very rich, being able to anticipate what the future holds! I can can only answer on my current state of mind.

Thanks again y'all

thefeatheredcat

SomePerson wrote: »

@thefeatheredcat Not sure if my gf would be into shopping together. We often go shopping for her and I find myself holding back the urge just to take note of items that I like. As I said, we live apart for the moment and when we see each other, I want to make the most of our time, so raising the issue can add an immediate strain and perhaps be a bad buzz I guess. I think overall she's lacking knowledge in the subject but know that she's willing to learn more, however I'm reluctant to push it on her. Every time I decide to email her links, I kinda bottle out! Perhaps, I should send her a link to this forum?

If she's willing to learn more about it, that indeed is a good sign as it suggests she wants to understand it better, which is a healthy outlook to have.

I'd be wary of linking this forum/thread directly for the simple reason that it could be taken out of context. Then again, it might not.

Has she approached you to find out more about cross-dressing? It may be the way it has to go, so maybe take the approach of offering the idea of learning more about it, rather than directly providing links, which she could ask for to gain perspective on it.

Elle Collins

Hi OP. I think from what you've said it is obvious that your partner does not want this to be part of your relationship. If, as you say, she's urging you to go to counselling in order to eradicate it then surely that's more than clear?

She is not comfortable with it at this time and I suspect she never was. It sounds to me like she was just playing along with the whole thing because she didn't want to lose you.

The facts are, some women will be okay with this and some wont. It doesnt really matter whether particiular posters here would or would not be able to have a good relationship with a cross-dressing man, the facts are the woman you are with cannot or will not incorporate this into her life. I think you need to face some facts here: You say that you want to share this with the love of your life, but she doesn't even want this behaviour to exist, never mind share it with you!

I don't think this relationship is a good match OP. Really, do you think you have any more right to pressure her into being ok with it than she has to stop you cross-dressing?

Danniboo

Op, you said you are with your girlfriend 10 years why are you only getting around to telling her this recently? Perhaps thats something that could be bothering her as I know that this would be one of the major issues if I was in her shoes.

kevin99

You say you are straight. You don't say if you 'get off' when wearing women's clothing. You say you are a xdresser. Do you mean transvestite?
In other words do you **** off when dressed as a women? Is that what you mean by being relaxed?

You have no right to say you want your gf to understand. Most girls would be freaked out.

There is a lot you are deliberately keeping from us here. You don't say where you get your clothes; how often you dress; whether you dress fully or partially?

And you don't explain the comfort you get.

A bit more honesty would be welcome...for starters