What's with this condescending crap??!!

LegacyUser

I came out of an eight year relationship last summer and after all the hurt and the pain and the licking of wounds I can thankfully say I am over the worst of it now - Thank God!

Of course I bawled my head off (an eight year relationship is a lot to let go of) but I am happy and a little proud to say I took care of myself in the best way I could during the early weeks and months, joining curves, buying a small mountain of heels, practically living in an angel shop buying beautiful meditation cd's, incense & oils. Every woman will work through this her own way and that's what worked for me, relaxing myself deeply at times taking out my agression and pain by working out six days a week (albeit only for a half hour a day, lol)

Anyway, all that is getting somewhat off the point. What I'd like to start a discussion about is the response I've had from women since I've been single. In the early months I was too busy healing my hurt to pay much heed to peoples changing attitudes, but since I've started to look around me and rejoin the world in the last few months I've really noticed a difference in the way women seem to view me. It is like they have realigned their opinion of me and my situation in life through the new lens of my single status and decided that it, and I, are somehow dreadfully lacking.

The truth is, now that the dust has settled on the whole sorry business, I can see that he did not deserve me, at least not towards the end. I met him at 26 and broke up at 34; I gave him a big damn chunk of my life and I enjoyed most of the time we spent together. I loved him and do not regret the relationship, but I now clearly recognise that it was time to move on.

I'm having great fun now out speed-dating and dating generally (I've only felt ready to go in that direction since the new year came in - there's something very beneficial for those moving on in seeing the calander rolling around to a new year!) but since I have begun to make really positive forward steps I've noticed women make b!tchy sarky comments along the lines of: "Oh good God no, I'd never go speed-dating in a million years" (no one asked her to go anywhere, she was just throwing in her unsolicited opinion in front of a table full of colleagues) and the particularly condescending: "God love you, but there are so many single people thesedays! Ah, at least you're not the only one!" (delivered with a smile that never touched the eyes and a tone dripping with smug self-satisfaction)

I guess what I'm asking is, why do so many women define the worth of their own selves and of their lives generally by whether or not there's a man involved? And why do some of them make some sort of nasty sport of reminding single women of what They think those single women are missing out on?

For my own sake, I'm missing out on feckall. I'm mid thirties, already a mother (child nearly grown and gone, I got pregnant very young) I've no plans to have any more kids no matter who I may or may not meet (I've nearly got my freedom back for Gods sake! lol) I know all about what's involved in sharing your life with a man, having done it a couple of times already, and I am happy now to spend some time having fun on my own.

I'm moving on now, and moving towards a place of real contentment. Life is finally starting to feel good after a very hard time, so why do a disturbingly large minority of women in committed relationships enjoy needling me about what they percieve as the negative aspects of my single status? - All I want to say to them is a massive BOG-OFF!!! Lol, opinions?

(P.S. I'd just like to ask the mods to please not move this to PI as I do not consider it a problem I need assistance with - just something negative I've noticed that I'd be interested in discussing, thanks)

Penny Dreadful

Bog-off! wrote: »

I came out of an eight year relationship last summer and after all the hurt and the pain and the licking of wounds I can thankfully say I am over the worst of it now - Thank God!

Of course I bawled my head off (an eight year relationship is a lot to let go of) but I am happy and a little proud to say I took care of myself in the best way I could during the early weeks and months, joining curves, buying a small mountain of heels, practically living in an angel shop buying beautiful meditation cd's, incense & oils. Every woman will work through this her own way and that's what worked for me, relaxing myself deeply at times taking out my agression and pain by working out six days a week (albeit only for a half hour a day, lol)

Anyway, all that is getting somewhat off the point. What I'd like to start a discussion about is the response I've had from women since I've been single. In the early months I was too busy healing my hurt to pay much heed to peoples changing attitudes, but since I've started to look around me and rejoin the world in the last few months I've really noticed a difference in the way women seem to view me. It is like they have realigned their opinion of me and my situation in life through the new lens of my single status and decided that it, and I, are somehow dreadfully lacking.

The truth is, now that the dust has settled on the whole sorry business, I can see that he did not deserve me, at least not towards the end. I met him at 26 and broke up at 34; I gave him a big damn chunk of my life and I enjoyed most of the time we spent together. I loved him and do not regret the relationship, but I now clearly recognise that it was time to move on.

I'm having great fun now out speed-dating and dating generally (I've only felt ready to go in that direction since the new year came in - there's something very beneficial for those moving on in seeing the calander rolling around to a new year!) but since I have begun to make really positive forward steps I've noticed women make b!tchy sarky comments along the lines of: "Oh good God no, I'd never go speed-dating in a million years" (no one asked her to go anywhere, she was just throwing in her unsolicited opinion in front of a table full of colleagues) and the particularly condescending: "God love you, but there are so many single people thesedays! Ah, at least you're not the only one!" (delivered with a smile that never touched the eyes and a tone dripping with smug self-satisfaction)

I guess what I'm asking is, why do so many women define the worth of their own selves and of their lives generally by whether or not there's a man involved? And why do some of them make some sort of nasty sport of reminding single women of what They think those single women are missing out on?

For my own sake, I'm missing out on feckall. I'm mid thirties, already a mother (child nearly grown and gone, I got pregnant very young) I've no plans to have any more kids no matter who I may or may not meet (I've nearly got my freedom back for Gods sake! lol) I know all about what's involved in sharing your life with a man, having done it a couple of times already, and I am happy now to spend some time having fun on my own.

I'm moving on now, and moving towards a place of real contentment. Life is finally starting to feel good after a very hard time, so why do a disturbingly large minority of women in committed relationships enjoy needling me about what they percieve as the negative aspects of my single status? - All I want to say to them is a massive BOG-OFF!!! Lol, opinions?

(P.S. I'd just like to ask the mods to please not move this to PI as I do not consider it a problem I need assistance with - just something negative I've noticed that I'd be interested in discussing, thanks)

Ah yes I know where you're coming from. I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 years in Oct 08 and like you did what I had to do to put myself back on my feet but of all the things that bugged the hell out of me it was what I have named the Palliative Care Head Tilt along with the "ah God love you, sure aren't there pleanty more out there....little pause.....but you're not exactly young any more are you? I was 32 when we broke up.
I did A LOT of boxercise and boxfit classes and found that beating the living hell out of things helped me not hit them.
Anyhow now it is Feb 2011 and I have been going out with a great man for 7 almost 8 months and we're moving in together at the end of March and things are wonderful BUT STILL I get the odd PCHT in my direction for some unknown reason.

LegacyUser

The 'Palliative Care Head Tilt'! - Lol Penny Dreadful, thanks for the laugh!!!

Penny Dreadful

Bog-off! wrote: »

The 'Palliative Care Head Tilt'! - Lol Penny Dreadful, thanks for the laugh!!!

You're welcome:D More than happy for you to use the phrase too.

When I was post break up and in a place where I was ok with it I really didn't want to get involved with someone else and so many people thought I was nuts. I just wanted to be on my own in terms of being able to worry only about myself and have the tv on what station I wanted and generally be as self indulgent and selfish as I wanted. I'd spent YEARS sharing and the last few of those turning myself inside out to make a dead relationship work and there was no way I wanted to give up that freedom and independence for a while yet people though I "was being so brave God love her"...........arraggghhh. What on earth is wrong with being happy by yourself and all that business? Granted when Mr. Penny Dreadful came along it was right time right place and I've been very happy but that time on my own was great. In fact when we live together I'm going to find that inevitable compromise hard to get used to again.

Acoshla

Slightly different but the same general idea, I'm going out with my boyfriend for a few years, happy out, too young etc to consider getting married or anything yet but just having a good time and stuff, same with my best friend and her boyfriend.

Recently we (myself and my friend) were at a friend's house and another friend of the girl we were visiting was there. She is going through a NASTY divorce from a horrible man, vows never to get married again, she tilts the head, looks sadly at both of us and says "So no diamonds for either of ye this Christmas no?" and sighs. We just looked at her...wtf? This implication that poor us, waiting for our men to do something, so even if you have a boyfriend they don't stop!!

krudler

Even as a guy this annoys me, like women (and men) have failed at life if they're single by a certain age, not everyone has to have a relationship to feel fulfilled. I know plenty of married people and a good few of them are friggin miserable so its not all sunshine and rainbows once you take the vows.

seenitall

krudler wrote: »

I know plenty of married people and a good few of them are friggin miserable so its not all sunshine and rainbows once you take the vows.

This.

The thing is, people in miserable marriages are very probably about to explode in a fit of envy when they see a single person of similar age enjoying their freedom and not answerable to someone they have tied themselves for life to but who they now really don't like any more, etc, etc.

I mean, really, what other possible explanation could there be for pathetically trying to make themselves feel better about being miserable by running happier choices down with condenscension and "pity". That "pity" is in fact envy, pure and simple. Same as in Spadina's friend's case; wouldn't that be obvious enough?

If I hear the sympathetic clucking or the smug tone of voice, I know that I am in the presence of an unhappy person. A happy person doesn't seek to validate their own choices by invalidating and putting down the choices of others.

Walls

For a lot of women, being alone is scary. Being alone after a long relationship is terrifying. You did a great job, but they don't think they would, so much so that they lose all empathy and come out with rubbish like that.

For these women, being with a man means being part of society and being out there, included and having a life of variety and fun. Left to oneself means being left out, isolated, with loneliness and silence as your constant companion. These women don't know about friends, self-reliance, and the sheer joy of independence, and they wouldn't understand if you tried to explain to them. To them, you're a dog walking on your hind legs; you're doing great but surely you're not enjoying it? The world is full of small minded people, and has been since time began.

Little Acorn

Spadina wrote: »

Slightly different but the same general idea, I'm going out with my boyfriend for a few years, happy out, too young etc to consider getting married or anything yet but just having a good time and stuff, same with my best friend and her boyfriend.

Recently we (myself and my friend) were at a friend's house and another friend of the girl we were visiting was there. She is going through a NASTY divorce from a horrible man, vows never to get married again, she tilts the head, looks sadly at both of us and says "So no diamonds for either of ye this Christmas no?" and sighs. We just looked at her...wtf? This implication that poor us, waiting for our men to do something, so even if you have a boyfriend they don't stop!!

I get this a lot too. With my boyfriend 7 years in a few months time, and from when we were only 2 years together we've had people so "when are ye giving us the big day out?" "when should I go buy my hat?" and just last week right infront of me "and poor Little Acorn has no babies", a lot of people say this as though my boyfriend is being 'mean' by not giving me babies and a proposal!:pac: This is despite the fact that I have told them COUNTLESS times that's it's a mutual decision, I'm on contraception, and we have no desire for either marriage or babies at this present time. I'm only 23 and in first year in college ffs[due to leaving my first college place for a number of reasons, working for a few years and then going back last september], just because they wanted to do everything really young does not mean I have to aswell. Most of our close friends have just accepted us by now, but they definitely still see us abit 'odd'.:D

OP, the kind of women you are describing sound pretty sad tbh. You are living what appears to be a great life, and there is always the chance that you could be much happier than a few of these smug ones in relationships who are being condescending to you.
Most of them probably don't mean to be hurtful, and are just trying to comfort you after the break up, but to the ones who are being kinda catty, I would just laugh at them, and let them know of all the great interesting fun things you are getting up to whilst single. Seriously, don't even give them a second thought and just continue to enjoy doing your own thing.:)

candy-gal1

Exactly! What happened to just enjoying yourself and taking each day as it comes?!

WesternNight

I got this yesterday, for the first time in several months. Ran into someone I hadn't been talking to for ages and she asked how the boyfriend was so I told her we weren't together anymore. After the initial sympathies, she went on "well, sure there are plenty more fish in the sea, aren't there? my son got engaged there recently... oh but sure he's 30 now, you're only young yet, plenty time". All very sympathetic in tone. I think she must have thought it was me who was dumped. If we weren't in a confined public place I'd have assured her that that wasn't the case and that I'm happier now than I've been in a long time and that sympathy is not required thankyouverymuch.

Birdie086

During the summer a neighbour pulled me aside over drinks and said 'Birdie it really time you settled down, you should go meet a nice fella and have him move in and share the mortgage with you' I burst out laughing and then realised she was being serious. She said i was pushing on - by the way I was just about to turn 29!!!!! As it happens I did meet someone who been after me for a while.........hope the nieghbour doesnt think I took her advice literally!!!!!

LegacyUser

Oh no Little Acorn, there's no mistaking someone who's tried to comfort me with someone who's tried to comfort themselves at my expense! - but I do get what you're saying besides that and thanks for your nice post Also, people think it's weird that you haven't settled down at 23? What are they, nuts??

I think I should balance this a bit by also saying that far and away most of the genuine post-breakup comfort I got was from the women close to me in my life, but that of course was from women who were Genuinely close.

By the way Walls, that was some extraordinary clarity you put forward in your post. It really has given me a new depth of perspective on the situation, so thanks for that.

Walls

Birdie086 wrote: »

During the summer a neighbour pulled me aside over drinks and said 'Birdie it really time you settled down, you should go meet a nice fella and have him move in and share the mortgage with you' I burst out laughing and then realised she was being serious. She said i was pushing on - by the way I was just about to turn 29!!!!! As it happens I did meet someone who been after me for a while.........hope the nieghbour doesnt think I took her advice literally!!!!!

What do they think, that a relationship would never had occurred to you unless you hadn't been pulled aside and given a word? The mind boggles.

Aishae

ah holy jayney.. you get this crap no matter what your relationship status is - its like people feel the need to critisize you for whatever you are not. even though the focus seems to be on the marriage and babies thing.

im deaf so most people write things down for me - you wouldnt believe it but even the handwriting can look smug when they write 'so is there anyone on the scene?' theres one woman i know who said - after i went travelling early last year - its great to get that out of your system before you settle down with a man and have your babies.
1. not having babies by choice due to a genetic thing and 2. it most likely wouldnt be a man :P
i know some people think theyre being helpful but not everyone aspires to the same ideals they do.

im 27 soon and although itd be great to meet someone im grand on my tod - i think most people would drive me spare so it'd have to be someone very special - lol. i laugh, but its true.

Funfair

Bog-off! wrote: »

I came out of an eight year relationship last summer and after all the hurt and the pain and the licking of wounds I can thankfully say I am over the worst of it now - Thank God!

Of course I bawled my head off (an eight year relationship is a lot to let go of) but I am happy and a little proud to say I took care of myself in the best way I could during the early weeks and months, joining curves, buying a small mountain of heels, practically living in an angel shop buying beautiful meditation cd's, incense & oils. Every woman will work through this her own way and that's what worked for me, relaxing myself deeply at times taking out my agression and pain by working out six days a week (albeit only for a half hour a day, lol)

Anyway, all that is getting somewhat off the point. What I'd like to start a discussion about is the response I've had from women since I've been single. In the early months I was too busy healing my hurt to pay much heed to peoples changing attitudes, but since I've started to look around me and rejoin the world in the last few months I've really noticed a difference in the way women seem to view me. It is like they have realigned their opinion of me and my situation in life through the new lens of my single status and decided that it, and I, are somehow dreadfully lacking.

The truth is, now that the dust has settled on the whole sorry business, I can see that he did not deserve me, at least not towards the end. I met him at 26 and broke up at 34; I gave him a big damn chunk of my life and I enjoyed most of the time we spent together. I loved him and do not regret the relationship, but I now clearly recognise that it was time to move on.

I'm having great fun now out speed-dating and dating generally (I've only felt ready to go in that direction since the new year came in - there's something very beneficial for those moving on in seeing the calander rolling around to a new year!) but since I have begun to make really positive forward steps I've noticed women make b!tchy sarky comments along the lines of: "Oh good God no, I'd never go speed-dating in a million years" (no one asked her to go anywhere, she was just throwing in her unsolicited opinion in front of a table full of colleagues) and the particularly condescending: "God love you, but there are so many single people thesedays! Ah, at least you're not the only one!" (delivered with a smile that never touched the eyes and a tone dripping with smug self-satisfaction)

I guess what I'm asking is, why do so many women define the worth of their own selves and of their lives generally by whether or not there's a man involved? And why do some of them make some sort of nasty sport of reminding single women of what They think those single women are missing out on?

For my own sake, I'm missing out on feckall. I'm mid thirties, already a mother (child nearly grown and gone, I got pregnant very young) I've no plans to have any more kids no matter who I may or may not meet (I've nearly got my freedom back for Gods sake! lol) I know all about what's involved in sharing your life with a man, having done it a couple of times already, and I am happy now to spend some time having fun on my own.

I'm moving on now, and moving towards a place of real contentment. Life is finally starting to feel good after a very hard time, so why do a disturbingly large minority of women in committed relationships enjoy needling me about what they percieve as the negative aspects of my single status? - All I want to say to them is a massive BOG-OFF!!! Lol, opinions?

(P.S. I'd just like to ask the mods to please not move this to PI as I do not consider it a problem I need assistance with - just something negative I've noticed that I'd be interested in discussing, thanks)

After reading that all I can think of is your man got a lucky escape

Only joking sorry couldn't resist it..

mariaalice

I think you might be a little paranoid, that kind of thing is sometimes just harmless chatter, however defining yourself by being in a relationship with a man is a very annoying trait in some women.

I think it is a lot to do with the fact that Ireland is still a very family orientated society.

I have been married, then i was on my own and now i am getting married again:D when i was single i joined a dating site and yes i did get some of the ...i would never do that, its full of weirdo, you will look desperate type of reaction....but it didn't bother me everyone is entitled to their opinion i don't take everything personality plus i also got a lot of ..well fair play to you for trying form women as well.

Maple

FunFair, have a read of the charter before posting again. Post something constructive or don't post at all

Maple

Dudess

OP, be careful not to come across as protesting too much. That's not a dig whatsoever - I've no doubt you're happy single, as am I. Very much so actually - I didn't look into the future and see myself being single at this stage of my life, to be honest, but I realise now it's nothing to be scared of. But some people saying those things to you may not be looking down their noses at all, some of them may mean well - don't allow yourself to think it's all badness.
I've no doubt it's infuriating at times though, but remember: relationships can be nice too - and some people may simply be assuming that you'd like another one eventually.