His ex sends naked pics

LegacyUser

I'm broken hearted.

My partner of 2 years got an iphone before christmas. It previews text msgs and picture msgs on the main screen.

Last nite it was left on the kitchen table, he was in the shower, i was sitting at table and a picture came thru from his ex - a naked picture. It feels like my world has collapsed. I just dont know how to handle this.

I havent talked to him about this yet. I said i was feeling sick and went to bed. We live together, planned to marry have kids. It feels like all that has now been torn away from me.

He was with his ex until about 6 months before he got with me. shes been texting him all the way through or relationship but in general he never replied to her and was always really open with me about it. He referred to her as the psycho or 'the nutjob'. She was always texting asking him to meet for a drink.

I was secure in myself so never got too upset about it but once around valentines a year ago we were out for romantic meal and she just kept texting him and i asked him to please tell her to stop hassling him, that i'd appreciate if she wasnt always a part of our lives but he reminded me that its one way communication, that he rarely if ever replies, she'll run up to him on a nite out and completely ignore me and he's blind to her intentions.

He thinks its possible she probably still has feelings for him but says he doesnt care what she thinks or wants, that he loves me and wouldn't go near her. She's overweight and he ended it because he wasnt attracted to her. Hes reassured me and convinced me every time but now i feel like everything was a lie.

I know he hasnt been replying to her. Ive seen the texts come through on the iphone, always "Any craic?" and he'll ignore it and she'll send another two asking did he get her text, that her phone is playing up.

I think her behaviour is nuts but he's never told her to go away, he just ignores. If she asks something specific like he's an electrician so she'll text saying she has a faulty kettle or something and he'll reply to those texts giving her specific advice on how to check it but he never gives her any lead ons. he's replied to some of her "any craic" texts saying "none thanks" and pointed out to me that he never asks her anything or leads her on.

He hasnt seen her recently because he and i have just been away together for 10 days so i cant get my head around why she'd text naked pics. I wanted to post that pic of her all over the internet and the longer i have to think about this i probably will do something stupid like that. I want to call her and scream but that will just show her that I'm worried/insecure. But how could i not be insecure? I know deep down that her naked body is absolutely awful and that she has none of what he likes but he liked it some time in the past if they were together for several years.

Why would she do this?

He knows something is up with me. he texted me twice today while I'm at work to see if I'm ok. He'll want to talk to me this evening.

What do I do? I will tell him the truth. But I'm ready to just end it now. What's the point? Why would an ex text a naked photo without being led on? I never saw him near his phone all evening so don't think he texted her first.

Please someone tell me what i should do before i act totally illogically.

thanks

seamus

29292929 wrote: »

What do I do? I will tell him the truth.

Yes, tell him what you saw and why your are upset.

Why would an ex text a naked photo without being led on?

Because she's a psycho nutjob, to use his words.

I never saw him near his phone all evening so don't think he texted her first.

Keep reading that aloud, to yourself. He didn't text her. He didn't ask her anything. She has texted him a naked picture out of the blue. Read it again.

Please someone tell me what i should do before i act totally illogically.

At least give him the slightest chance to talk to you?

Everything you paint in your post points to your boyfriend having done nothing wrong, except maybe for making the mistake of entertaining her texts at all. He doesn't get into text conversations with her, he largely ignores her. He left his phone unattended on the table while he had a shower. He tells you that it's her texting him when she does. Someone who is cheating generally keeps their phone massively secret and lies about who is texting them.

You are jumping to one conclusion when all of your own evidence points to the opposite.

She texted him constantly last Valentine's Day. This is the act of a jealous ex, attempting to interrupt the mood of a lovers' day.

I really think you'd be making a big mistake to break up with the guy when he appears to have done nothing wrong. In fact, that could even have been her intention - hoping that you'd see the picture on the phone and dump him.

However, it would be time to have a proper talk with him about communications with his ex. He needs to tell her to stop texting and leave him alone. She could be psycho, she might go postal on him, but then it's time to call the Gardai. He knows she's crazy so he probably thinks that being polite is the easiest way to keep the peace.

LegacyUser

HI sunflower thanks for your reply.

i know. ive been thinking about it all day. this jsut doesnt make sense. why would it jump like this but i honestly didnt see him near his phone all evening. surely if he expected a pic to come through he wouldnt just leave his phone on the table where i was sitting.

and before people say i was spying on his phone - I WASNT. This stuff gets previewed on the iphone. I saw it come in. I couldnt exactly miss it.

Ive never been so feeling sick in all my life. I thought he was the one.

We'll talk later but i dont know how im going to hold up for this chat. I cant tell any of my friends because well for starters, hes really my only true trustworthy friend and other friends i have would just tell me to chuck him now, dont even bother asking.

but we have a rent to buy house together. We planned to marry next year. We were discussing weddings loads. I love his family and he loves mine. I just cant believe he could do this.

seamus

sunflower27 wrote: »

If she is a 'psycho nutjob' why hasnt she been blocked?

Unfortunately it's generally not possible to block a number from contacting you (esp. via text) unless a complaint has been made to Gardai.

Edit: Actually it appears that it is possible with O2 to easily block someone from texting you (but not from calling). This is an option if he's with O2. None of the other operators have any such service set up.

Mayeston

he hasnt actually done ANYTHING yet. This girl is just sending him unwanted texts and photos.

He might be thinking that by even getting into a text conversation will encourage her so perhaps ignoring her is best.

However, her sending these kind of photos is beyond the joke. Say it to him. Say you're not comfortable and you want it to stop...IMMEDIATELY. So he'll need to take whatever steps he needs to take to get it to stop...even if it involves calling the police!

Cheap Thrills!

29292929 wrote: »

He was with his ex until about 6 months before he got with me. shes been texting him all the way through or relationship but in general he never replied to her and was always really open with me about it. He referred to her as the psycho or 'the nutjob'. She was always texting asking him to meet for a drink.

A stop should have been put to this crap way before now. Yoiu should have had a very clear cut conversation with him stating that this was not acceptable to you.

By him not b0ll0cking her out of it, he is tacitly accepting her behaviour and that is totally inappropriate.

I'm not saying it's defininitely the case here. But some people love an ego boost of an ex chasing them and will not put a stop to it as they on some level enjoy it.

He's obviously still engaging with her on some level if she feels comfortable to carry on with this supposed unwanted contact.

29292929 wrote: »

I was secure in myself so never got too upset about it but once around valentines a year ago we were out for romantic meal and she just kept texting him and i asked him to please tell her to stop hassling him, that i'd appreciate if she wasnt always a part of our lives but he reminded me that its one way communication, that he rarely if ever replies, she'll run up to him on a nite out and completely ignore me and he's blind to her intentions.

My arse is he blind to her intentions, I am getting the distinct impression that he enjoys it. One way communication? No he replies, that's two way communication. It doesn't matter if it's 'rarely'. Anyway, do you believe that?

29292929 wrote: »

He thinks its possible she probably still has feelings for him but says he doesnt care what she thinks or wants, that he loves me and wouldn't go near her.

Then he should spell that out very clearly to her and impress upon her that her contact is unwanted and warn her if it continues he will do her for stalking.
He's been way to wishy-washy so far. To the extent that I'm finding it difficult to believe him that he's not encouraging her.

29292929 wrote: »

She's overweight and he ended it because he wasnt attracted to her. Hes reassured me and convinced me every time but now i feel like everything was a lie.

Look at what people do, not what they say OP. I also think he is lying. I think he is stringing her along for an ego boost.

29292929 wrote: »

I know he hasnt been replying to her.

How do you know?
How do you know what he does when you aren't around?

29292929 wrote: »

Ive seen the texts come through on the iphone, always "Any craic?" and he'll ignore it and she'll send another two asking did he get her text, that her phone is playing up.

So that's what he does in front of you. What else would a liar do.

29292929 wrote: »

I think her behaviour is nuts but he's never told her to go away, he just ignores.

Why the hell not?

29292929 wrote: »

If she asks something specific like he's an electrician so she'll text saying she has a faulty kettle or something and he'll reply to those texts giving her specific advice on how to check it

Ah OP, wake up. He shouldn't be replying to ANY of her texts.

29292929 wrote: »

but he never gives her any lead ons. he's replied to some of her "any craic" texts saying "none thanks" and pointed out to me that he never asks her anything or leads her on.

I'm willing to bet he does give her lead ons, just not when you are around.

29292929 wrote: »

He hasnt seen her recently because he and i have just been away together for 10 days so i cant get my head around why she'd text naked pics. I wanted to post that pic of her all over the internet and the longer i have to think about this i probably will do something stupid like that. I want to call her and scream but that will just show her that I'm worried/insecure. But how could i not be insecure? I know deep down that her naked body is absolutely awful and that she has none of what he likes but he liked it some time in the past if they were together for several years.

Glad to see you are connecting with you anger at last. But direct it at the right person. Your BF. He is not giving you the whole truth. Don't be gullible OP.

29292929 wrote: »

Why would she do this?

Exactly, something doesn't add up.

29292929 wrote: »

He knows something is up with me. he texted me twice today while I'm at work to see if I'm ok. He'll want to talk to me this evening.

What do I do? I will tell him the truth. But I'm ready to just end it now. What's the point? Why would an ex text a naked photo without being led on? I never saw him near his phone all evening so don't think he texted her first.

Please someone tell me what i should do before i act totally illogically.

thanks

Calmly state that you want him to ring and tell her to F.O. in front of you. Tell him he needs to change his number.

Even if he does all of that I still wouldn't have it. In fact I would have snooped a long time before this. Never let someone take you for a mug.

Trust is EARNED not given. You've trusted him in the face of evidence to the contrary. 'The psycho stalking ex' is one of the oldest stories in the book.

I think you know in your gut somethings rotton here OP.

seamus

It's usually a phone-specific thing, as there's no such thing as "folders" as far as the operator is concerned.
On the iPhone there's no way of categorising SMS/MMS messages into folders or blocking phone numbers from calling you.

This is relevant as it does explain why this ex has been getting away with this crap - blocking her from doing so isn't that easy.

IrishEyes19

sunflower27 wrote: »

I'm with vodafone and you can screen messages. They dont go into your usual message folder. I actually put an ex on it once and forgot about it and found messages months later when messing around on my phone.

Am a bit clueless with all the fancy phones nowadays...

Same here, and my current phone has a feature which blocks certain numbers texting me, and its a block of a phone, so I presume the Iphone would be a lot more modern in that respect. So I dont understand why he didnt just block her or report her. It can be done.

Wurly

If he doesn't tell her that her behaviour isn't on, then she thinks it's okay to do this. That's not on at all. He is in effect on her side, not yours.

People don't communicate with each other like this unless encouraged or told to stop. So there is probably more to the story.

My advice? Life is far too short for that kind of bullsh1t. Leave them to it and find a nice bloke who wont entertain this crap. I know it sounds simplistic but trust me, staying in situations like that are much harder than getting out.

foodaholic

sunflower27 wrote: »

I'm with vodafone and you can screen messages. They dont go into your usual message folder. I actually put an ex on it once and forgot about it and found messages months later when messing around on my phone.

Am a bit clueless with all the fancy phones nowadays...

how did you do this??

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

MissFlitworth

Hey OP,

That sounds like a horrible thing to see pop up on your boyfriends phone He quite possibly has done nothing at all wrong though - all your mentions of his ex pretty much stalking him round the place reminds me of this thread

<snip>

It might be worth having a look at to see things from his point of view (with someone you no longer have any interest in really not taking no for an answer). Definitely talk to him and push home that you can't cope with any of this anymore and it's effecting your relationship to the point where you aren't sure you can continue with it, he should be willing to work with you to find a way to stop this happening. I wouldn't agree with the 'if he doesn't want the texts why hasn't he stopped/blocked them' people here, a lot of people wouldn't have a clue how to do this (if it's even possibly with their network or phone) or would feel petty cutting someone off like that. Now's definitely the time to look into it though! Hope it works out well for both of you. If he isn't encouraging this or interacting with her then it seems like an awful thing to end a relationship over

LegacyUser

seamus wrote: »

Unfortunately it's generally not possible to block a number from contacting you (esp. via text) unless a complaint has been made to Gardai.

Edit: Actually it appears that it is possible with O2 to easily block someone from texting you (but not from calling). This is an option if he's with O2. None of the other operators have any such service set up.

Actually Meteor do offer this service also. I had a nusience texter/caller last year and Meteor easily blocked his texts and calls. The only thing they couldn't block were calls from a private number.

Was such a relief.

Taltos

I thought of the exact same thread....

OP - don't do anything rash - by all accounts this girl is DESPERATE to split you up.
In terms of not posting this photo yourself - am unsure of the legal ramifications - but maybe if you took out her head and simply asked folk why someone would degrade themselves this much...

Just wondering if your bf would consider seeking legal advice for stalking/harrassment - maybe he is just being naive and trying to be a good bloke - and instead of really dealing with this has unwittingly allowed it to continue.
Though - you do have to ask - how do you really stop a nutter - if she is so unbalanced to think there is something there then him saying no is still communication. Ignoring is best - well that and a restraining order...

(Wonder how her parents / someone else would be to receive a text from your BF with a query - why is your daughter acting mental? Does she need help as a caption to the charming shot she sent him...)

Little Acorn

Why didn't he tell you about the naked picture? As far as you know he tells you about all the texts he receives from her, he thinks you are unaware of this particular text, so why didn't he bother to tell you about her sending a naked picture of herself!?
Some might say it's so as not to upset you, but seeing as he shows every other text of hers, why not this one? That is what would make me most suspicious, the fact that he hid it from me, when he hadn't hidden the rest.[it would make me think, what other txts does he hide?]
See if he tells you tonight without you asking him about it.
Start a conversation that would give him the perfect opportunity to tell you about the text, and see if he actually will tell you.
I think he will, because it sounds like he's copped on from how you acted that something's up, and he may have copped that you have seen something.
Find out why he didn't tell you about it. I know you went to bed, but he could easily still have told you about it.
I would not be happy at all with this situation. He might be telling the truth, innocent until proven guilty and all that jazz, but you definitely are due some good explanations, and a complete and final end put to this contact with the ex.

metrovelvet

Does his ex know he is seeing someone? If not than she cant be accused of trying to cause a break up. And if she doesn't why hasn't he told her?

Unless he has it in writing somewhere that he has asked her to stop he wont have much of a harrassment case.

ppink

OP your partner has been receiving texts for two and a half years from a "nutjob". Gimme a break! if he was not responding to her then would she really be still texting and if so after 6 months most people would do one simple thing.....change their number!

Gunslinger92

OP, do not end it with him. I'm in a very similar situation.

My boyfriend's ex from 5+ years ago, she's not even an ex really, they just shifted once, randomly text him one night asking him to sleep with her. She knows all about me, she even said in the text that " a certain someone doesn't have to know".

A couple of weeks ago she invited him to her birthday party, and said he could bring me if he wanted.

She is gone in the head, just like your boyfriend's ex. I wouldn't be surprised if she randomly text a naked picture to my boyfriend at all. It doesn't mean he was leading her on!

I'm positive you have nothing to worry about Just talk with him, and maybe ask him to block her number?

Corkblowin

This really sucks OP, but the thing that keeps nagging at me is the fact he leaves his phone unattended and in plain view - to me that means he doesn't expect embarrassing or incriminating texts to come through. It also shows that he doesn't care if you look through it - so I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt.

I can totally understand why he wouldn't tell you - how the hell could he bring that up with you!!? 'hey honey - look at the text I just got'

At the same time - you must discuss it, and he'll have to accept you're going to be very skeptical of any answer he gives - & rightly so. It sounds like you've been quite reasonable to date - time to kick up a fuss & insist that he ring her in front of you & tell her to FO, that she be blocked from his phone & that if ye see her on a night out he's to tell her to leave ye alone. Be calm but firm - try not to get in any way shrill or hysterical.

I really hope it's all above board. Good luck

spinandscribble

I think he should just change his number or block her, whichever ones easier.

I find it interesting she has in the past texted on mass on valentines and as we approach valentines shes upping her game with naked pictures. seems she's desparate around this time of year.

Its natural that you saw the message flash up and if I had been in your shoes I would have confronted the situation there and considering the situation ask to see the last few texts between the pair of them.

By now he could have put two and two together and realised why you're cold towards him so its too late for that. The only thing you can do is ask him to block her in some way. If he says no or tries to play it down and refuse I'd have to be out of there. He'd be putting his ego before you if that was the case.

Whether he'll admit it or not he gets off on the attention otherwise he'd have completely stopped texting her ages ago or blocked her.

Neyite

By leaving his phone around and showing you various texts, he is not being secretive or paranoid the way some would be if they have something to hide, so I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt here. However, this is your perfect oppertunity to ask him to cut her out of his life once and for all she really has gone too far, and if the continued contact with her was an ego boost for him, its time for that to come to an end.

Simply put, he can prove very easily that these messages are unwanted, and unrequested - by changing his number. If he is not willing, or tries to talk his way out of not cutting her out then you have a bit more thinking about your future together.

dub_3

Tell him you saw the text and the circumstances. i.e. you weren't snooping

Also perhaps you should use his phone to reply to her,
send her a nice picture or maybe a not so nice picture

Or send her a naked pic of yourself, telling her this is what your BF has now,
so he's not interested in her fat ass.

Wurly

spinandscribble wrote: »

The only thing you can do is ask him to block her in some way. If he says no or tries to play it down and refuse I'd have to be out of there. He'd be putting his ego before you if that was the case.

Whether he'll admit it or not he gets off on the attention otherwise he'd have completely stopped texting her ages ago or blocked her.

+1 million. If he insists on keeping any form of contact with this girl then you need to get out of there in all honesty. He needs to tell her that this is not acceptable. If he doesn't do that, then he doesn't deserve you.

Don't resort to texting her or any of that. Don't give someone that sad the satisfaction.

spinandscribble

dub_3 wrote: »

Tell him you saw the text and the circumstances. i.e. you weren't snooping

Also perhaps you should use his phone to reply to her,
send her a nice picture or maybe a not so nice picture

Or send her a naked pic of yourself, telling her this is what your BF has now,
so he's not interested in her fat ass.

While it might get a moment of satisfaction, in the long run sending naked pictures of yourself to someone who might be a bit unhinged is unlikely to end well. think of the people she could send it on to...

Little Acorn

sunflower27 wrote: »

OMG... I am usually quite PC when it comes to these things, but THAT is fantastic.

It could be funny I agree, but there's also the chance that the ex would do what the OP here was considering, and post her naked pic all over the internet! Probably not what she wants. Maybe a pic of the two of them cuddling, or giving a peck on each other's lips, whilst both giving her the middle finger to the camera could send her a clear msg to just fcuk off, it's not very grown up though!:pac:

Although, I'm still not sure if this guy sounds entirely innocent. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I would have plenty of suspicions. People presume he's innocent because he left his phone out on the table when he was in the shower. The OP did not say that he always left his phone unattended, that could have been a one off. He could just be telling her about some of the texts he receives from his ex, but not about others that she or he sends back to her.

He might be entirely innocent, he might be using the ex for an ego boost, there's a few possibilities. One thing is sure though, that a definite stop has to be put to all this carry on, because it is clearly upsetting the OP very much.

messymess

ppink wrote: »

OP your partner has been receiving texts for two and a half years from a "nutjob". Gimme a break! if he was not responding to her then would she really be still texting and if so after 6 months most people would do one simple thing.....change their number!

Nail, hammer, head!

This is complete supposition but he has this girl at arms length and in the palm of his hand and he knows it, whilst enjoying his relationship with the OP. Girls just don't send naked pictures of themselfs unless there's a solid rapport there. She obviously trusts him enough not to send these pictures around to other people.

I'm not saying throw your relationship away OP but you know this situation best. It's definitely ultimatum time though. Get this other girl out of the relationship. Mandate your OH to get a new SIM on pure principle. It's the height of disrespect and your OH is taking the complete piss in my opinion.

thebigleap

dub_3 wrote: »

Or send her a naked pic of yourself, telling her this is what your BF has now, so he's not interested in her fat ass.

Sending a naked pic of yourself to anyone is a huge risk, let alone a nutjob who might use it against you. Don't go there!

At best your bf is enabling her actions, at worst he is encouraging her behavior (and is more involved than you know). You've known him for a long time, what's your gut telling you?

Wurly

sunflower27 wrote: »

God, I'm not advocating the OP send a totally naked pic of herself, no way. I meant I nice pose, classy, all bits covered... I was just thinking out loud.

I am struggling to believe this is as one-sided as the guy is making out. And for that OP I am really sorry. This should have been nipped in the bud a long time ago and I also dont think the ex would have resorted to sending him a pic of herself naked with no encouragement. I'm not saying he asked her to, just that there has more than likely been some level of contact that made the ex think he still fancied her.

I think she is an ego boost and I think he has been in contact with her. Showing you the 'why aren't you replying?' texts is a ploy, imo, to make the OP think he never replies. Total b*llsh!t.

He's been a total fool

I agree with Sunflower. There has been some form of contact. She obviously for some reason thinks he fancies her. Now whether he has told her that explicitly or she has reason to believe it from his behaviour.

People don't put themselves out there like this without some form of backing from the other person. To be honest they sounds as bad as each other and you'll have a much happier life without the two of them in it.

Your boyfriend should know better than this. If he doesn't, he's not worth your tears.

Neyite

Trí wrote: »

People don't put themselves out there like this without some form of backing from the other person.

While I agree that lots of times there is no smoke without a fire, I do know of a few guys who had seriously nutty exes, who just would not FO no matter what. It literally took garda warnings in 2 cases I know of to finally get rid of them, and even then it was years after they should have moved on with their lives.

If he does not sever all contact with the Ex based on that pic though, then I'm changing my mind and agreeing with Trí and Sunflower on this.

discus

I'm utterly shocked by the "guilty before proved innocent" posts, which are all from users with very feminine usernames... why?

As some level headed users have pointed out, the girl sending the pictures might be out to cause trouble. There are some loathsome creatures out there - male and female - who can't stand nice people to have a nice life. They get their kicks by turning happy and successful couples against each other. You could probably bet that if this lad was single after he dumped her, that she would have zero interest in him. She's not out to get him, she's out to get at you, 292929292.

I could tell you of similar girls who have done things like this to friends over the years. One girl in particular was texting a mate a long long time after they broke up, claiming she had a kid by him. It screwed him up for a long time.

Wurly

discus wrote: »

I'm utterly shocked by the "guilty before proved innocent" posts, which are all from users with very feminine usernames... why?

As some level headed users have pointed out, the girl sending the pictures might be out to cause trouble. There are some loathsome creatures out there - male and female - who can't stand nice people to have a nice life. They get their kicks by turning happy and successful couples against each other. You could probably bet that if this lad was single after he dumped her, that she would have zero interest in him. She's not out to get him, she's out to get at you, 292929292.

I could tell you of similar girls who have done things like this to friends over the years. One girl in particular was texting a mate a long long time after they broke up, claiming she had a kid by him. It screwed him up for a long time.

Yes, indeed. I have been on the receiving end of one of these delightful bitches for over a year. If your boyfriend is enabling it, you must get out, OP. I'm sorry.

discus

If they are in a happy relationship, and all he is doing is 'enabling' it - which isn't even proven yet might I add - then why not suggest that she bollicks him out of it... rather than suggesting she jump ship? He might be making a mistake by encouraging this nutter, but once that is sorted they could surely be on the right track?

Let's not set it in the OPs head that he's actually enabling it - no matter how good some of you posters rate your spider-sense.

Wurly

discus wrote: »

If they are in a happy relationship, and all he is doing is 'enabling' it - which isn't even proven yet might I add - then why not suggest that she bollicks him out of it... rather than suggesting she jump ship? He might be making a mistake by encouraging this nutter, but once that is sorted they could surely be on the right track?

Let's not set it in the OPs head that he's actually enabling it - no matter how good some of you posters rate your spider-sense.

And you think enabling this behaviour is reasonable? Are you serious? This isn't just some randomer. This is someone he had a sexual relationship with before. And now she's sending him naked pics. Em sorry. but that's unacceptable. Its up to him to put a stop to this crazy behaviour.

discus

What constitutes enabling?

If he's dealing with a nutjob ex, it's hard to tell them outright to "**** off". You have to be careful with the nutters - on one hand, if you go too easy on them, they try to walk over you... on the otherhand if you push too hard for them to stay away from you, they can get aggressive. As in make sexual assault claims, assault claims, claims of infidelity etc. And you know how that ends when a claim is made against a guy.

So the delicate balancing act is hard, you see. If he's managed to get her to a stage where the worst she is doing is sending nude pics, it's probably the best he can manage.

discus

It's quite possible that the OPs boyfriend is placating this nutter in order to stop her doing something worse.

Wurly

discus wrote: »

What constitutes enabling?

If he's dealing with a nutjob ex, it's hard to tell them outright to "**** off". You have to be careful with the nutters - on one hand, if you go too easy on them, they try to walk over you... on the otherhand if you push too hard for them to stay away from you, they can get aggressive. As in make sexual assault claims, assault claims, claims of infidelity etc. And you know how that ends when a claim is made against a guy.

So the delicate balancing act is hard, you see. If he's managed to get her to a stage where the worst she is doing is sending nude pics, it's probably the best he can manage.

Okay, well the OP needs to clarify this part... Because we don't know if the boyfriend has made any effort to stop it.

Sorry but I have been on the receiving end of an ex acting the d1ckhead to me and over stepping the mark with the person I was with. If your partner doesn't stand up for you, it's incredibly hurtful. You are either a team or you aren't. This girl needs to be told that she cant do that. Do you have any idea the damage this does to trust? Its not so much about the girl as she is clearly a loser... But if the boyfriend chooses not to stop it - THIS is the issue.

aidan24326

discus wrote: »

It's quite possible that the OPs boyfriend is placating this nutter in order to stop her doing something worse.

Possible but not overly likely.

More likely that he has been replying more often than he claims, as she wouldn't still be texting him after all this time if he wasn't.

OP, you are over-reacting and jumping to wild conclusions by saying you'll just dump him straight off. For all you know she sent that picture just fcuking with him, he may not have done anything to encourage something like that. If he's being honest and she's really a 'nutjob' then insist that he cut contact with her, to the extent of even changing his number if necessary.

booboo88

discus wrote: »

I'm utterly shocked by the "guilty before proved innocent" posts, which are all from users with very feminine usernames... why?

As some level headed users have pointed out, the girl sending the pictures might be out to cause trouble. There are some loathsome creatures out there - male and female - who can't stand nice people to have a nice life. They get their kicks by turning happy and successful couples against each other. You could probably bet that if this lad was single after he dumped her, that she would have zero interest in him. She's not out to get him, she's out to get at you, 292929292.

I could tell you of similar girls who have done things like this to friends over the years. One girl in particular was texting a mate a long long time after they broke up, claiming she had a kid by him. It screwed him up for a long time.

been on the recieving end, not a nice place to be

discus wrote: »

It's quite possible that the OPs boyfriend is placating this nutter in order to stop her doing something worse.

very true, as she does sound a bit touched, in my experience you really cant tell what they'll do next

Lady von Purple

This is all just guesswork until the OP talks to her OH. But I'm inclined to believe that the ex is a little nuts. If the guy broke up with her because he wasn't attracted to her (and the OP is planning to marry this man, so I'm going to assume this is true. Maybe I'm just too nice.) then why on earth would he want a naked picture of what completely failed to turn him on before? Yes, 2 and a half years is a long time to keep up this sort of nutjobbery, but maybe this woman gets lonely when she's single (and if she's a bit on the unattractive side and also a psycho) then she may well just be texting her ex when she's lonely and nostalgic. And mistakenly thinks she can seduce him because hey, they have a history. Hell, maybe she was drunk and thought the text would get some reaction. The 'i texted you before, did you get it?' sounds more like crazy to me than anything else. Again, all speculation. But OP, I wish you the very best in talking to your OH and I hope there's a very innocent and crazy explanation for it. At which point, boundaries discussion!

Debthree

Talk to your bf and tell him you want this to end once and for all.

Suggest to him that you send a joint text to her from his phone from both of you.

In that text say something like "We have no interest in receiving any further photos (naked or otherwise) from you. We are in a happy relationship and there is no place in that relationship for inappropriate texts and/or photos. Please have some dignity and refrain from further communication. We wish you the best of luck in the future. From xx and xx."

The terms 'we' and 'us' are the vital parts of that message. You are uniting together (as a couple should) and you are showing her that there are no cracks in your relationship that she can slip through. She will be embarrassed, ashamed and taken aback hopefully. If that doesn't end it, have him change his number.

If he doesn't agree to doing the above then you have serious reason to worry.

LegacyUser

Woah, some of the comments here are quite shocking! I see a lot of people here are very trigger happy with the *DUMP HIM* advice.

As a male who has been on the receiving end of an extremely similar situation with a woman who would just not FO no matter how unsubtle the hint, I can see this very much from the OP's partner's side.

In my case, my ex had held onto some embarrassing naked photos from the time we were together and continually threatened sending them to my employment, etc.

I work in an extremely sensitive job and was rapidly climbing through the ranks and this would have come to an abrupt halt there and then if these pictures went public.

I was with my ex for 4 years so I certainly didn't expect it to end rather suddenly or to learn that she was an absolute nut job after that length of time. Sure, you can ask why I posed for pictures but I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who's done it while young and dumb and in a LTR with someone they thought was the one.

My ex ended the relationship claiming she was not ready for marriage/a life with me and initially kept safe normal boundaries. The pictures were done years earlier and they were actually something that never crossed my mind. As a normal decent person, I delete evidence of my ex from my life including photos and phone number.

It was only when I moved on and fell for someone else that my ex's interest in me was reignited. And it took about 18 months before these pictures resurfaced in my ex's mind.

What followed was a living hell for me. And there's no point running to tell the Gardai when that's the area you actually work in! The one place you don't want these pictures to come up..

It was only thanks to a wonderful then-girlfriend and now wife that stood by me and believed me when I told her that I was not leading this woman on, that I'm still here.

I felt the need to write here when reading over comments this morning as I've been watching a pattern where people are dishing out truly life-altering advice to people whose situations they DO NOT KNOW and never will fully know.

I know all of you are giving advice based on your own life situations and from the best of your heart but telling someone with strong doubts to go ahead and dump a man before talking to him about it, insinuating that he's HAD to have been leading this woman on (I know I certainly wasn't replying to my ex's texts but that didn't stop her) while having no idea of the situation; this woman seems to have had a very good relationship with her partner up to now. If this poor man is going through something similar to what I went through, I can only be thankful that my wife never knew about this forum. I'd hate to think that people on the internet who only knew the icing on the cake, from my wife's perspective rather than mine, would have helped her in her decision of how to deal with what was going on.

Some people are not so good at making their own decisions in a situation like this. Some people really need input from others and are less strong in making their own minds up in such an upsetting and stressful scenario. I'm not saying the OP is like this, but for people who are that way inclined, responses like some of those given here will be TRULY LIFE CHANGING, and not necessarily for the best.

Realise that parts of the story will inevitably be left out. What's familiar and minor to you could be the detail that swings everyones' opinion on the situation.

I can only hope the OP has TALKED to her other half rather than just walking out based on unqualified forum advice.

Good luck, OP. Hope this plays out okay for you.

gimme5minutes

What would really be best in this situation is for the boyfriend to burn his bridges with this header once and for all and put her off contacting him again.

Get him to text back something like 'Saw your naked photo, jesus christ, the state or ye, havent you realised yet im not into big fat whores? Dont contact me again thanks very much'.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Some guys can be really weak about hurting someone's feelings which might explain why he hasn't told her to straight out get lost.

I'd suggest he changes his number but she sounds like the type of nut whop'd ask one of his friends for the new one.

Its 2.5 years. He should be sick of this and tell her its not on for her to be harrassing him.

So can't help but think this is 50/50 on not wantiong to hurt her feelings/like the attention.

sbsquarepants

In reality it's probably not his fault if some "nut job" is sending pictures to his phone, but 2 and a half years of unwanted texts? Speaking personaly, i'd have changed my number by now!
Just say to him and see how he reacts, maybe suggest forwarding the picture on to her father for example with a quick text saying please ask your daughter to stop sending me unwanted pictures like this. That should put her in her place!
Some people are just nasty and try to cause trouble between couples, i had a very similar problem with a friend of my girlfriends, no naked pictures that i know of but plenty of rumours and inuendos designed to break us up. Some people are just assholes!

ppink

discus wrote: »

I'm utterly shocked by the "guilty before proved innocent" posts, which are all from users with very feminine usernames... why?

As some level headed users have pointed out, the girl sending the pictures might be out to cause trouble. There are some loathsome creatures out there - male and female - who can't stand nice people to have a nice life. They get their kicks by turning happy and successful couples against each other. You could probably bet that if this lad was single after he dumped her, that she would have zero interest in him. She's not out to get him, she's out to get at you, 292929292.

I could tell you of similar girls who have done things like this to friends over the years. One girl in particular was texting a mate a long long time after they broke up, claiming she had a kid by him. It screwed him up for a long time.

well I suppose those who think that the ex is a crazy person are also making the same judgement - guilty before innocent?! Who knows if it is all her or part him but he is definately enabling by not cutting her off, for whatever reason.

The facts are that these texts have been coming through for 2.5 years......not 2 months. Now if someone I was not happy with was texting me I would change my number pronto.
As for the naked pics proving her being loopy.....have you not heard of all the sexting that goes on these days? It is very common where I live among teenagers anyway.

LegacyUser

kyle94949 wrote: »

Woah, some of the comments here are quite shocking! I see a lot of people here are very trigger happy with the *DUMP HIM* advice.

As a male who has been on the receiving end of an extremely similar situation with a woman who would just not FO no matter how unsubtle the hint, I can see this very much from the OP's partner's side.

In my case, my ex had held onto some embarrassing naked photos from the time we were together and continually threatened sending them to my employment, etc.

I work in an extremely sensitive job and was rapidly climbing through the ranks and this would have come to an abrupt halt there and then if these pictures went public.

I was with my ex for 4 years so I certainly didn't expect it to end rather suddenly or to learn that she was an absolute nut job after that length of time. Sure, you can ask why I posed for pictures but I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who's done it while young and dumb and in a LTR with someone they thought was the one.

My ex ended the relationship claiming she was not ready for marriage/a life with me and initially kept safe normal boundaries. The pictures were done years earlier and they were actually something that never crossed my mind. As a normal decent person, I delete evidence of my ex from my life including photos and phone number.

It was only when I moved on and fell for someone else that my ex's interest in me was reignited. And it took about 18 months before these pictures resurfaced in my ex's mind.

What followed was a living hell for me. And there's no point running to tell the Gardai when that's the area you actually work in! The one place you don't want these pictures to come up..

It was only thanks to a wonderful then-girlfriend and now wife that stood by me and believed me when I told her that I was not leading this woman on, that I'm still here.

I felt the need to write here when reading over comments this morning as I've been watching a pattern where people are dishing out truly life-altering advice to people whose situations they DO NOT KNOW and never will fully know.

I know all of you are giving advice based on your own life situations and from the best of your heart but telling someone with strong doubts to go ahead and dump a man before talking to him about it, insinuating that he's HAD to have been leading this woman on (I know I certainly wasn't replying to my ex's texts but that didn't stop her) while having no idea of the situation; this woman seems to have had a very good relationship with her partner up to now. If this poor man is going through something similar to what I went through, I can only be thankful that my wife never knew about this forum. I'd hate to think that people on the internet who only knew the icing on the cake, from my wife's perspective rather than mine, would have helped her in her decision of how to deal with what was going on.

Some people are not so good at making their own decisions in a situation like this. Some people really need input from others and are less strong in making their own minds up in such an upsetting and stressful scenario. I'm not saying the OP is like this, but for people who are that way inclined, responses like some of those given here will be TRULY LIFE CHANGING, and not necessarily for the best.

Realise that parts of the story will inevitably be left out. What's familiar and minor to you could be the detail that swings everyones' opinion on the situation.

I can only hope the OP has TALKED to her other half rather than just walking out based on unqualified forum advice.

Good luck, OP. Hope this plays out okay for you.

Your situation with you ex sounds terrible. Is there any way that you could serve her with some type of court order that if she did ever release the photos that she could face jail time, or an extremely hefty fine? I don't know how these things work, just wondering.
The difference is though that you were open with your wife and told her all about these pictures. People here are only going on what the OP has said, that he has showed her a few innocent enough but annoying texts such as "any craic?", but he did not tell her about receiving the naked picture text.
The OP herself had presumed the worst case scenario before anybody gave her any reply. It is a natural assumption to make, because even though cases of crazy nutjob exes do happen, more often than not there is some type of interaction there that keeps them making contact. Because it is often the case that the most common/simplest reason, is the most likely explanation, I can see why people have the same initial feelings about it as the OP.
However, the majority of people on this thread though have not told her to outright dump him. Most of the people have empathized with the OP's own suspicions, and said that they can understand why she has them, but they have also said to give the man a chance to explain himself as there IS the possibility that he is innocent and that the ex is crazy.
What a lot of people have said, is that he may not be cheating, but simply be remaining in contact with the ex for an ego boost, and if after talking to him this is the case that the OP demands a stop to be put to it, and ONLY IF he refuses to then that maybe dumping him is an option.
Hopefully it will turn out that he is neither cheating, or texting the ex, but just as it may be wrong for some people to just say "dump him straight away", it is equally wrong to say "OP he is definitely innocent and you should just believe him".
The people who have asked her to question and to get answers to all of her already there suspicions, in the hope that she can then get this issue sorted are giving good advice.
They are basically saying "you are right to have suspicions it is normal to have them in such a situation, BUT give him a chance to explain himself"
This advice is better than just saying he's 100% guilty of something, or 100% innocent.

IrishEyes19

gimme5minutes wrote: »

What would really be best in this situation is for the boyfriend to burn his bridges with this header once and for all and put her off contacting him again.

Get him to text back something like 'Saw your naked photo, jesus christ, the state or ye, havent you realised yet im not into big fat whores? Dont contact me again thanks very much'.[/QUOTE


OP, I wouldnt do this at all. Get the full story first and regardless of the outcome, dont stoop to such a level that you would have your bf or you send another female a text calling her a fat whore. Its disgusting and secondly on a another level, its nothing something you'd want that girl to save on her phone as harassment either. But personally dont stoop to her level if she is entirely in the wrong.

discus

kyle94949 wrote:

If this poor man is going through something similar to what I went through, I can only be thankful that my wife never knew about this forum. I'd hate to think that people on the internet who only knew the icing on the cake, from my wife's perspective rather than mine, would have helped her in her decision of how to deal with what was going on.

Exactly!

sam34

i'm with discus and kyle on this

its quite clear that the "he should have stopped this or blocked her or changed his number by now" brigade have little or no concept of this kind of prolonged harassment

not all phone providers and/or phones allow you to block someone

changing a number- seems an obvious solution. but it may be problematic... in my case, because of my job situation, it would have been foolish for me to change my no. its also possible that the ex could get it form someone again anyway.

lastly, the kind of person who hassles someone like this for this length of time does not respond to reason.

my story - had been with my ex for almost a year. it was an acrimonious split, initiated by me, unwelcome by him.

he hassled me for months and months, over a year actually. phone calls, texts, (threatening suicide in them too), letters to me at home and in my place of work.

it was never ending.

i met him and told him to stop. i texted him telling him to stop. i left voice messages telling him to stop. i wrote to him telling him to stop. i made it clear that i considered any and all contact to be harassment.

he still didnt stop.

i began to ignore every contact attempt.

he still didnt stop.

eventually, it took a phonecall from the gardai and a threat of prosecution before he stopped.

and you know what?

he still texts occasionally, 3 years later. maybe on my birthday, or christmas, innocuous texts, knowing that i'm unlikely to ring the guards saying "x texted to say happy birthday, please prosecute him".

when on the receiving end of this, its not all that easy stop it.

Neyite

Yep, there are some ex's that just wont bloody give up.

I have an ex from - get this - 1994, who I bumped into in 2003, had a coffee, and swapped numbers. The texts quickly became flirty from him - unwelcome as he was married, so I texted him to stop, that I had zero interest in either him or married men. He still sends the odd text, but I have never replied. But he is more of a tosser chancing his arm every once in a while to see if he will get a bit on the side, nothing like this guys ex here.

Thats why he does deserve the benefit of the doubt here.

hi op, dont know why you ae so quick to think he has been doing something wrong!
do you have past experience with him that he has lied/been dishonest in the past?
you just appear very quick to lay some of the blame on him. why would you even think of ending it without talking to him first? is there a communication problem between you often?
there was a thread here a couple of weeks ago by a crazy ex, she was still hassling her ex after 3 years!! she couldnt see she was wrong!!

maybe your boyfriend is just a really nice guy, doesnt see the need to be mean to her before now, maybe he thought she would eventually give up?
maybe he tried to be polite? not to cause her any more hurt? i think that is a good quality!

a naked pic is a step too far though and if he has been polite to her for last year or two then it is time now to stop her!
he has to be hard, ignore her everytime she texts!
i would demand this now. it has gone on too long and too far now!

if he is honest with you, and only you know this, then be on his side, dont doubt him. there are crazy psycho ex's out there, and they can make life a living hell for others without totally understanding what they are doing.

you have to be together totally on this.